07x09 - She's the One

[bunniefuu]

- So what's her name?

- Angela.
- Oh, uh-huh.

And where did you meet her?

- Well, I went to get a trim
over at the hair barn.

And they have this guy
who's working there,

Armando, you know,

And I like the way
he does my sideburns.

Anyway, he double booked.

I had a 3:15
and angela had a 3:15.

[Breathes deeply]

Okay.

And then you know what happened?

- You got a bad haircut
and now you're dating?

- Yes, we're dating,
and angela likes my hair.

- So how many dates
have you been on?

- Well, tonight
was the third one,

And I know it's kind of early,
but I'm getting this feeling.

I don't know--
I think she might be...

- What do you mean?
"The one"?

Are you saying that you think
angela might be the one?

- All right, whoa.

Let's not jump the g*n, okay?

I mean, don't forget,

He married one
that wasn't the one.

- So when are we gonna meet her?

- Well, listen,
I would love that,

But I'm a little afraid
about bringin' her over here

'Cause, you know,
mom and dad will pop by,

And I kinda don't want her
to meet them until...ever.

- No, no, no!
You bring her over

To meet mom and dad
right away!

You gotta
get it over with quick.

It's like rippin' off
a band-aid.

Yeah, you let her know
what she's in for,

And if she doesn't
run away screamin',

Then you know
you got a keeper.

Hah?

Am I right, squeezioli?

- Go away.

So anyway,
what about saturday night?

'Cause your parents
are going to atlantic city

With lee and stan.

- Really? You sure?
- Yes, it would be perfect.

Saturday night,
I'll make dinner.

- That's another band-aid.

- So, angela, what kind of law
do you practice?

- Well, actually, I deal mostly
with international trade.

- Angela speaks
four languages.

- Whoa!
- Wow!

- Well, it's nothing,
really.

I studied spanish and french,

And I speak italian
because my parents are italian.

- Oh. Hey, our parents
are italian.

You should
meet them sometime.

- Debra, I have to tell you,

Your lemon chicken
is delicious.

- Oh, thanks.

I like you.

- I like you too.
- Oh, you're so sweet.

- Should I get
some dessert for us?

- Yeah, dessert time.
- All right.

- Oh, great.

Hey, someone else
likes your cookin'.

We got a fly in here.

- Oh, ugh, angela, I'm sorry.

Hey, ray, could you clear off
the rest of the plates, please?

- Oh, I'll do it.
- No, no, I'm doing it.

I like to help out
around the house

As much as I can.

It's just my nature.

- Yeah,
I'd better help out too,

Or I'll hear about that later.

That's her nature.

Oh. Oh--

Hey, you got him!

- Yeah, I guess I did.

- Oh, wow, good hands.
All right, um--

- Oh, it's okay; I got it.

- Okay, I'll put this down.

- How great is she?
She's pretty great, right?

- Yeah, not bad,
big top.

- Robert, I am so happy for you.

She is terrific.
- Oh, thank you.

- You see I made her laugh
a couple times?

- Yeah, you're hilarious.
Go.

- I got the plates.

- Okay, can you just grab
those forks there, robert?

- Sure.

- Come on, ray.

Be careful where
you set that coffee down.

- I don't want
to hear it anymore.

- What do you mean?

- Hello.

- Hello, dear.

- Hey, what are you two
doin' back so soon?

- Your father made a scene,

And we were escorted
out of the casino.

- Two buckets of nickels
and not one pay-out.

- That's no reason
to throw a roast beef sandwich

At the machine!

Hello.
- Hi.

- Hi. I'm marie.

Are you...
A single friend of robert's?

- Yes, yes.

Angela, these are
ray and debra's neighbors...

Mom and dad.

- How nice to meet you.
- You too.

- Oh, I see you're having
a little get-together.

If I had known, I would have
never gone to atlantic city.

Why didn't you
tell me, raymond?

- You know, mom, it was just
kind of a last-minute thing.

- Who cares?

The point is, we're here now,
and I see cake.

- Be quiet, frank.

Come over here
and sit down, honey,

And tell me
all about yourself.

Look at that
cute little figure you have.

- Can you believe this?

Mom can sense
when I'm having a good time,

And she's here to k*ll it.

- Listen, robert,
just relax; it'll be fine.

Look, if angela
really is the one,

She's gonna have to meet
your parents at some point.

You might as well
get it over with.

Right, ray?

- She's not the one.

- What?

- C'mere. Listen. Listen.

I saw something
that I have to tell you,

Because you have to know,
because I saw it.

- What are you talking about?
- What did you see, ray?

- Angela ate the fly.

- What?

- What do you mean?

- The fly
that was flying around--

Angela k*lled it,

It fell on the table,

She put it in a napkin,

And then she ate it!

- What the hell
are you doing, ray?

- Yeah, man,
what is your problem?

- I'm telling you,
I saw that woman eat a fly!

- Oh, she did not.

You must have seen
something else.

- Wh-what then?
What did I see?

- I don't know; maybe it was
a crouton or something.

- A flying crouton?

- Are you drunk?

- Look, I'm trying
to help him.

- How is this supposed
to help me, raymond?

- I'm doing what
any brother would do.

If you see debra eat a fly,

I want you
to tell me right away!

- She did not eat a fly.

- Yes, she--
- no, she--

- Yeeeeeees!

- Now, just a second, raymond,

Because what I think
you're really saying is,

"Uh-oh, robert
found someone special,

"Someone who's so great

That she actually
may be the one."

But because you're such
a sniveling little insecure man,

You'll do anything

To keep me from having
what you have.

- She ate a fly.

- Good-bye, raymond.

- Robert!

What is wrong with you?

- Oh, robbie.
Sit down.

We're having such fun
with your single friend here.

- I'd love to, ma,

But I must have
left my pager somewhere,

And if the captain
tries to get ahold of me,

I could be in trouble.

So, uh, I'm sorry, angela,
but we have to go.

- Oh, sure.
Of course.

- We were just getting
to know each other.

- Yeah, robert,
please stay.

- I'm sorry, deb.
Really, thanks very much.

Everything was great--
that you did.

- You guys, this was great.
Thank you so much.

- Oh, sure.
My pleasure.

- Thanks, ray.

- Yeah, it was nice.

Very nice to meet you.

Yeah.

It was really good.

- Thanks.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Talk to you soon.

Well, they did say
it was gonna rain.

I think we made it
just in time.

Here, let me
take your coat.

- Oh, thank you.
- Sure.

Would you, uh,
like a drink?

- No, thanks.
I'm fine now.

It's a nice place
you got here.

- Oh, thanks.

Well, come here.
Sit down.

Was, um, something
bothering you tonight, robert?

- Nah, it's nothin',
just my brother.

- Your brother?
He seemed so sweet.

- I don't want
to talk about it.

My brother has
a lot of issues.

Let's just
leave it at that.

- Did he...do something?

- Nah, he's just crazy.

- You know what I think?

I think that
your brother

May be a little
jealous of you.

- What?

- Well, it's obvious.

I mean, you're the tall,
funny, heroic,

Good-looking one.

- Actually, he's always been
a little jealous of me.

- Who wouldn't be?

- And it's always bothered him
that our mother prefers me.

- Who wouldn't prefer you?

- I really like you.

- I really
like you.

- You know, he once
sold my bicycle

To another kid.

- Robert?
- Yes?

- Could we kiss now?

You okay?

- Oh, I'm very okay.

- Want to be more okay?

- Okay.

- Want to go in there?

- Okay.

- I'll be in in a minute.

- And I'll be in there...

Being very okay.

[Thunder crashes]

[Croaks]

- I'll be right in.

[Crickets chirp,
frogs croak]

[Thunder crashes]

Robert?

- Oh! Hello!

- What are you doing?

- I'm...

Seeing if
it's still raining.

- You're going out the window.

- Yes, yes, I am...

Because my car
has my poncho in it.

So I'm gonna go get
my trusty poncho...

And then I'm gonna go
get some ice cream for us.

You like ice cream?

I do.

I like it
with chocolate chips

Or nuts

And sprinkles...

And actually,

Someone told me you might prefer
a different topping.

- You know, robert,

We all come from frogs.

- Ahh.

Interesting.

Good night.

- Oh, robbie!

- Hello.

- Look at you.

- What, is it raining?

- No, raymond.
I'm a pearl diver.

- Robert, what happened?

- Well...

Raymond was right.

- Huh! Ha!

- What?

- Right about what?
- The girl.

- If he said she had
a nice upstairs

And an ample downstairs,
then I agree.

- What about angela, robbie?

She seemed so genuine
and so refined.

We have so much in common.

- Forget it, ma.
It's not gonna happen.

- Ohh, no.

What did you do?

- What happened, robert?
She eat another one?

- What?
Eat another what?

- You don't want to know, ma.

- You tell me right this minute,
young man.

- All right, ma, fine.

She eats bugs.

- Come again?

- Come on, robert,
she does not.

- Oh, what is it about you

That you don't
believe me when I tell you?

She sat right there
at your dinner table

And ate a fly!

- I could believe that.

- No, mom,
it wasn't in the food.

- Oh. I don't believe that.

- Well, you can believe it, ma.

It's the story of my life.

I finally meet a girl

Who has absolutely
everything I ever wanted.

She's the frog woman
of massapequa.

- I thought you said
it was flies.

- She keeps frogs,

Thousands of frogs
all over her apartment,

And she feeds them flies,
I guess, I don't know.

She's a freakin' side show.
What do you want from me?

- I don't believe
a word of that, robbie.

She had such nice shoes.

- I had to go out the window.

- Did she try to stop you
with her tongue?

- It's not funny, raymond.

- Heh heh heh heh!

Thhhp!

- Yeah, yeah, you know what?

Laugh all you want,
'cause I'm done.

- What do you mean,
you're done?

- I'm done.

I'm done dating.

I'm done trying
to meet someone.

I'm done with humiliation;
I can't anymore.

- There's nothing humiliatin'
about going out the window.

If your mother's apartment
had been one floor lower,

We wouldn't be having
this conversation.

- Just stop it, frank.

All right, robert.
Now, look,

I know that
it's tough out there,

But you will find someone.

You have so much
going for you.

You're kind, you're sensitive,
you're honest--

- Blah blah blah blah

Blah blah blah blah.

- Good luck
with the frog lady.

- Robbie, honey,

I know what
you're going through,

And I can help you.

I just want you, once
and for all, to say it to me.

- What are you talking about?
Say what to you?

- That you're h*m*.
- Ma!

- Just say it!
- No, don't say it!

- I'm not saying it!
This again?

- A woman ate a fly?

Nobody believes
your stories, robbie.

Just say it.
- No!

- "I'm a gay."
- What?

- You'll feel better.

"Hello, I'm q*eer,
and now I'm here!"

- Who says that?

- That's the slogan.

Just admit it, already!

- No! Would you stop?

- Well, then,
what is it?

Because I can't
take it anymore.

You're torturing me.
Do you know that?

You are into your 40s,
and still you can't settle down.

I stay up nights
tossing and turning in my bed

Because I'm so sick about it.

I just want you to be
with someone, anyone.

I don't care who it is.

I mean, for god's sakes,
do you want to die alone?

- Yes!

Oh, him.

- Ma, I saw that girl
eat a fly!

- Stop it, raymond!

Why can't you just accept
that your brother is different?

I accept you, robbie.

- Listen, ma,

I would love nothing more
than to tell you I'm gay.

- Marie, look what
you're doing!

- But I'm not, dad, all right?

So you can unclench
your intestines.

I wish I had a good reason
why I'm always striking out.

But I don't.

It's me...

It's me.

Most people
find their other half.

And I just have to
wake up and accept already

That maybe there is
no other half...

For this.

- Oh, robbie!

- See ya later.

- Robert, please.
- Come on, man.

- Hey, son--

[Patrons talking]

- Hey, rick.
Scotch rocks.

- Comin' up.

Lot of fresh faces
here tonight, big man.

I'll just take the drink.

- I'm sorry; you okay?