07x11 -The Thought That Counts

Episode transcripts for TV show, "Everybody Loves Raymond". Aired: September 13, 1996 – May 16, 2005.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
Post Reply

07x11 -The Thought That Counts

Post by bunniefuu »

- Okay, ma,
here you go.

Happy birthday.

- Oh!

- This one's from me,
robert, and dad.

- Oh, a present
from my sweet, sweet boys.

And frank.

[Gasps]

Oh!

My mother had
figurines like these,

And I used
to stare at them,

Hoping that maybe,
when I grew up,

They could be mine.

But one day, they all broke.

My mother fell into them

When I told her
I was marrying frank.

But now I have
my very own set.

Oh, thank you so much.

- Ah, you're welcome.
- Oh, honey.

Come here, frank.

- Let's not ruin
the moment.

- Oh, my...

You spent so much.

- Ma, don't worry
about that, all right?

- But $240?

- Those things cost $240?

- It's fine, robert.

- No, no, no.
Well, wait a minute.

How come
you told me and dad

That we only had
to pay $30 each,

While you paid one--
one hundred--

While you paid the rest?

- Robert,

Your mother doesn't care
who paid what.

Sit down.

- Frank, you only paid $30...

And raymond paid $180?

- $180, Yes!

- I just paid
what ray told me to.

- Skimping on your wife's
birthday present.

My mother was right
to fall down.

- So you had to pay more
than us, huh?

You had to hog
all the glory?

Glory hog!

- No, it just--

I can afford it, okay?

I'm doing good; that's all.
It's no big deal.

- "I'm doing good; that's all.
It's no big deal."

You just had
to show me up, right?

- Thanks a lot, ray.

- I'm paying 1/3, okay?

So I owe...

- $80.
- $80. Yes, $80.

- All right,
just calm down.

- No. I already paid $30,
so I owe...

- $50.
- I know, $50!

- Fine, pay me whatever.
Just stop being a jerk.

- Maybe you should
take these figurines back.

They should be
in a happy home.

- No, what are you
talking about?

- 'Cause every time
I look at them now,

I'll think of
you boys fighting.

Take them back.

- Come on, ma,
I'm not taking them back.

- Take them back.
They're tainted.

- I'm not taking them back!

You're keeping 'em,
and you're gonna cherish 'em!

I spent weeks trying to figure
out what to get you, weeks!

And then I remembered you
talking about your mom

And her figurines.

You think
it's a coincidence

That I got
the same exact ones?

I remembered!

Then I went to every
antique shop in the city

Until I found
the little bastards.

I didn't care
how much it costs

Because it's
what you wanted.

And now you're telling me
to take 'em back?

I won't.

I just won't do it.

- So you two didn't even help
pick them out?

- No, no,
i--i helped.

I wrapped it.

- Don't lie, robbie.

Everybody knows you can't
work a tape dispenser

With your giant fingers.

- Nice job, ray.

Letting her know
you paid more wasn't enough?

- It was all
part of his plan--

To find the glory
and then hog it.

- You know what?

I'm sorry I bought
the damn things.

- Well, I'm sorry my birthday
was an inconvenience.

- No, ma,
I didn't mean--

- You take them back.

I can't look at them!

- Well, raymond,

Nice going.

You ruined that
old crow's birthday.

- It's unbelievable.

You know, I try to do something
nice and thoughtful,

And it's like I k*lled
my mother's birthday.

- Yep.

Very, very thoughtful.

- What?

- Hmm?

Nothing.

No, I guess I was
just surprised

At how thoughtful
your mom's gift was.

But I shouldn't
be surprised

Because you always
put a lot of effort

Into the things
that you buy...

For her.

- Good night.

- No, no, ray, listen,
I think it's great

That you got your mom
something nice.

I do.

I just sometimes
wonder why you don't

Put the same thought
into the things you get for me,

But it's okay.

I don't care.
It's not a big deal or anything.

I'm not mad.

Ray?

Ray?

- [Snores]
- ray!

- Ow! What?

I thought you said
you weren't mad.

- I'm not!

- I've gotten you
plenty of thoughtful stuff.

Huh? You're not
making any sense.

Maybe you're delirious
from lack of sex.

- You mostly get me
gift certificates

And back rub ious

Or stuff that I've had
to hint that I wanted,

Like--like these pajamas,
for instance.

- You never hinted
about those pajamas.

- I gave you the color,

The size,
directions to the store,

Directions from
the front of the store

To the pajama department.

I still had to return them

'Cause you got
the wrong ones!

- See, if you sleep naked,
we don't have this problem.

Come on, look.

I didn't know
you were, like, dying

For something
super thoughtful.

- You're supposed to want
to get me thoughtful things.

Come on!

- I have to return these.

[Scoffs and chuckles]

- What?

- Nothing. It's...

I can't win.

I can't believe we're
arguing about this

When I happen to have

A pretty good christmas gift
for you this year.

- Huh.

- Okay, you know what?

I don't blame you
if you don't believe me,

But I do;
I really do.

- Yeah, right.

- No.

You and I were
doing something a few weeks ago,

And it got me to thinking--

Whatever.
Just forget about it.

- What?

What were we doing?

- We were in the city,

And we were walking,
and you saw something,

And you said, "oh, my god."

- Yeah?

- Yeah...

And maybe I bought you
something.

- What is it?

- You'll see it;
you'll see it at christmas,

And...let's hope
you find it thoughtful.

Good night.

- I'm sorry, ray.

- It's okay.

- [Laughing]

[Doorbell rings]

- Ray, hi.

- Hey!
Hi, amy.

- What are you doing here?

- I was just
in the neighborhood,

Thought I'd pop in and say,
"howdy-doodle."

- "Howdy-doodle"?

What are you,
hitting the eggnog?

- Stop, robert.
Come on in, ray.

- Okay.
Thank you.

So...boy.

'Tis the season, huh?

Only two shopping days
left till christmas.

Everybody's all holly and jolly
and buying stuff.

You buying any gifts
this season, amy?

- Oh, yeah, I love shopping.

I've got one more thing
to get my uncle jeff,

And since he just retired--

- That's great.
Listen, listen, listen...

I wanted to get something

Really special for debra
this year, you know?

'Cause she's
just so great.

- Oh, I know.

Debra loves pajamas.

- No, nah.

No pajamas.

- Hey, you know what?

Get out!

- I just--i just want to get her
something thoughtful.

You know,
something that says,

"Debra, you mean
so much to me,

And this gift makes me
think of you."

So what do ya got?

- All right, all right,
wait a minute.

I know what this is.

A few weeks ago,

He got my mom something
thoughtful for her birthday.

Now I bet he has
to get debra

A gift of equal
or greater thought.

- You're very thoughtful, ray.

You should trust
your own instincts.

- Yeah? 'Cause I did
think of something.

You know how debra's
always saying

She's always cold?

So I thought, "what if
I get her this really great,

"Top-of-the-line,
primo...

Space heater?"

Top of the line.

Four settings:

Low, medium, high...

Off.

- Raymond, have you ever
even met your wife?

Do you know anything
about her?

- I know she gets chilly.

- How 'bout something like--

She spent all
her summers as a kid

Up at lake, uh...
Saugatuck, right?

Up in connecticut?

- Lake who?

- Lake saugatuck.

So you get her
a painting

Or a nice photograph
of lake saugatuck,

Or she likes
craftsman furniture,

Or she's always
mentioning how she wished

She had more time
to spend in the garden,

So you get her
the things with--

Wait, wait, no, no.
I got it. I got it.

Okay, this is it.
This is it.

A first edition
of "to k*ll a mockingbird."

All right, she did her
college thesis on it.

It's her favorite book.

I'm telling you,
she's gonna love it.

- So not a space heater?

- No.

"To k*ll a mockingbird,"
first edition.

- She would
love that, ray.

It's very nice,
robert.

- Okay, yeah, I was thinking

Of something like that too,
you know, yeah.

I mean,
that or the space heater,

Whatever's better.

- You're a wonderful person.
Get out.

- Okay, all right, thanks.
- Bye, ray.

- All right, bye.

"One flew over
the cuckoo's nest?"

- "To k*ll a mockingbird!"

Take a class!

- Right, right.
"Cuckoo's nest."

I knew it was a bird book.

- Now, where were we
before the monkey came in?

[Kids shouting]

- Calm down, hey!

- Oh, quiet, frank.

They just
opened their presents.

They're excited.

- Well, they need to learn
the true meaning of christmas:

Grandpa wants quiet.

- Okay, deb.

Here you go.

Hope you like it.

- "To k*ll a mockingbird."

- Yeah, it's one of those
first editions.

- Yeah, I know.

This is...

This is so great.

Oh...

I love this.
Thank you so much.

How did you...

Oh, I love you.

- I'm glad you like it.

- I k*lled a bird once.

- I have to tell you, ray,

When you told me you bought
something thoughtful for me,

I didn't
totally believe you.

I'm so sorry.

- It's okay.

Seeing your face now,
that's like your gift to me.

- Oh!


- [Clears throat]
so, um...

Harper lee won
the pulitzer prize for that,

Didn't she, deb?

- Yeah.

Oh, god, this is
so wonderful, ray.

- Frank,

Why can't you put
a little more thought

Into what you got me?

- Slippers are very thoughtful.

Every day, I see your feet
when you get out of bed,

So I thought,
and I thought...

And I thought,

"What can I get
to cover up those things?"

- You know, ray...

What was it
that we were

Doing in the city
that reminded you

Of "to k*ll a mockingbird?"

- What?

- Remember?

Remember, you said
we were in the city,

And I said, "oh, my god!"
What was that?

- Right. Right.
Well...

We were in the city,
and you said, "oh, my god,"

Because...
Of all the pigeons...

That there were that day
in the city,

And I thought,
"pigeons...birds...

"Of a feather
flock together...

Flock, mock-ing bird."

Merry christmas!

- Oh, wow!

- [Whispers] wow.

- I know, right?

It's funny how the mind
works, isn't it?

- So, uh, you did your thesis
on "to k*ll a mockingbird,"

Didn't you, deb?

- Need some more coffee,
sweetie?

- Deb?

- Okay, sure, two sugars,
sugar.

No, you know what?
I'll get it.

- I'll come with you.

- Did your thesis--
of the mock--

- Hey.
You know what?

I can't wait to put
the kids to bed tonight

So I can start reading.

- So did you
start your book last night?

- Nope,
didn't get a chance to.

- You're damn right
you didn't.

- Merry christmas!
- Merry christmas.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Merry christmas.

- Merry christmas.
Hi.

We just came from
across the street.

It's not the holidays
until you've seen frank

In his santa face
underwear.

- Did you see what
my handsome husband gave me?

First edition
"to k*ll a mockingbird."

My absolute favorite book!

- Hey, great gift.

- I know.
I love this.

Oh, it was so nice.

- Look, I'm your husband.
That's what I do.

- Don't be modest.
You gave me the perfect present.

- You know, I almost went with
another idea,

Something from
lake saugatuck.

- Lake saugatuck?

I don't think I've even
mentioned that in ten years.

- You know,
I guess I remembered it

'Cause I knew how important
it was to you.

- Oh!

Isn't he too much, huh?

- It was me!

- What?

- You should be happy
with me!

I told him
to get you that book!

It was my idea,
not raymond's!

Me, mine, all me!

- Robert--

- Oh, you never even heard of
"to k*ll a mockingbird!"

- Oh, yes, I did!

- You did not.
You never read the book.

You never saw the movie!

I bet you didn't even know
there was a movie about it!

Huh, who's the star
of the movie, raymond?

- What is the diff--

- Gregory peck!

Gregory peck!

He played atticus finch,
gregory peck!

[Imitating]
"all right, scout,

Step aside while I sh**t
this rabid dog."

He won the oscar in 1962!

You moron!

- What's this guy
talking about?

- So you took credit
for robert's idea?

You made up
that whole city thing?

You lied to me?

- Yes, yes,
and yes.

- Robert,
what are you doing?

- What do you mean?

- Why is it so important
debra knows

That the book
was your idea?

- Because it's the truth.

Raymond's a glory hog.

He did it to ma,
and now he's doing it to debra.

He's got to be stopped!

- You know, robert...

I gotta say, that book seems
a little more thoughtful

Than what you got me.

- What did he get you?

- Tickets to the ice capades.

- What's wrong with that?

The ice capades
is 2 1/2 hours of frozen fun.

- Ice capades?

That's what mom said
I should get debra.

- That was
your mother's idea?

For me, you had to go
to your mother?

- Man, that is lame.

I mean, right?

- Don't even, ray.

All you care about is,

"What should I get
for my mom?"

"You think my mom
will like this?"

"Why don't
we ask my mom?"

Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.

- How do we
get out of here?

- Come on, debra.
You got your book.

I gave it to you.
You should be happy.

Isn't it the thought
that counts?

- Yeah, but it wasn't
your thought; it was his.

- Yeah, and why do you care
so much about her gift?

- I don't care about her gift.

I was just trying
to make him look bad.

Sorry, man.
- It's okay; I understand.

- You know, ray,

I don't want you to ever get me
another gift again,

Because every time
you do,

It just makes me realize
how little you care.

Merry christmas, ray.

- Come on, now you're becoming
my mother.

- What?

- Let me finish!

Look...

The only reason
I ever put any thought

Into my mother's gift
is because she's, uh--

- Materialistic.
- No.

- Yes.
- Yes!

Gifts and stuff,
that's all she cares about.

I don't think of you
that way.

You always used to say,

"I don't care about anything

As long as we're all happy
and healthy."

And look at us.
We're all happy and healthy.

We're all healthy.

For now.

Isn't that the only thing
that matters?

I mean, come on,
it's christmas.

What about jesus,
huh?

You think he cared about
getting a bunch of gifts

On his birthday?

Rum-pum-pum-pum,
that's all he wanted.

- That's true.
Rum-pum-pum-pum.

- Look, I'm sorry I lied.

I--i lied that night about
having a great gift for you,

And I lied about coming up
with the cuckoo bird book,

And--and--

I know. I know.

I took all the credit for it.

But at least you're not going
to the ice capades.

I'm sorry.

I stink at this.

But that doesn't mean
I don't care about you.

In fact, I wouldn't lie
half as much if I didn't.

- Hi, everybody.

- Hey!
- Hi, marie.

- It's december 26th.

It's time to return
a few of the gifts I got

That weren't quite right.

Does anybody have anything
they'd like brought back?

- No. We're fine,
marie.

- Yeah. We're very happy.

Hey, marie, isn't that
the bowl I gave you?

- Okay, then.
Merry christmas.

[Christmas music playing]

["Jingle bells" playing]

- You like this?

- Shh.
Here comes snoopy.

[Kids cheering]
Post Reply