- Aw, come on, make a sh*t,
you moron.
- Dad, come on.
The kids...
- Ray, bernie and linda
just pulled in.
- Hey, you stupid,
stinkin' hump!
You're a hump!
Hump!
- Dad, bernie and linda
are here for dinner,
So it's time to go home
and yell at your own tv.
- Dinner?
What are you having?
- We're having a big bowl
of get out of my house, old man.
- All right.
I find you very rude.
[Doorbell rings]
- Hey!
- Hey-ya, ray, what's up?
Hey, mr. B!
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm goin' already.
- Hi, marie.
- What's the matter, ma?
- Guess who d*ed.
- Ohh...
- Ohh...
- Oh, marie. Who?
- Guess.
- Ma, nobody wants
to play this game.
- Celebrity
or real person?
- A real person.
- Male or female?
- Female.
- Give me a second here.
I'm usually pretty good at this.
- Marie, this is sick.
Who is it?
- Rose caputo.
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
- Damn it, marie,
I was gonna say her!
- Ah, that's too bad.
She's a very nice lady
who lives in the neighborhood.
- She was the older lady
at the end of the block, right?
Oh, she was nice.
- She made good pies too.
I like pie.
- She was a nice lady.
- All right, let's eat.
- Shame on you!
This lady dies,
and this is all she gets?
- Hey, marie, you two
weren't that close.
What are you taking it
so hard for?
- Because she was
the one, frank.
She was the one
I picked for you.
- What?
- I wanted you to be
with rose caputo.
- Kinky neighborhood.
- Years ago I decided
to pick someone to replace me
If I d*ed before you.
- What do you mean?
To marry me?
- Yes. Someone to make you happy
after I was gone.
- Oh, that's nice, marie,
But, uh, I think
I'd be happy enough.
- [Singing]
jungle love
It's drivin' me mad
It's making me crazy crazy
Jungle love
It's driving me mad
It's making me crazy crazy
Jungle love
It's driving me mad
It's making me crazy crazy
Jungle love
It's driving me mad
It's making me crazy.
- I don't understand, marie.
You actually thought about
Who frank should be with
after you're gone?
- Of course.
He needs a wife.
He can't even
boil an egg.
I mean, if I go,
how's he gonna...
Boil an egg?
- Did mrs. Caputo know
You picked her
to be with frank?
- If she did, it would've
k*lled her sooner.
- It's too bad.
She was perfect.
Oh, by the way,
The viewing hours
are the next three nights
At cannizaro's funeral home.
- Ohh...
Is it gonna be
an open casket?
- For rose caputo?
I hope not.
- Have some respect, frank.
- How about some respect
for the truth?
She wasn't exactly
a looker.
- Ma, look. How could
this happen, anyway?
What about her husband?
Isn't george still alive?
- Yes, but the man
is supposed to go first.
- Look, I don't care
who you picked for me.
I would never shack up
with rose caputo.
There's a big sea out there
with much better-lookin' fish.
- Oh, really, frank?
And who are you fishing for?
- Never mind.
- Who, frank?
Harriet lichtmann?
- All right, then,
harriet lichtmann.
- I would never pick
harriet lichtmann for you.
- Why, because that might
make me happy?
- You disgust me!
- I don't disgust
harriet lichtmann.
- Don't you talk to me
anymore!
- Ohhh, harriet, harriet.
Oh!
Hey!
- Get harriet
to make you dinner!
- Hey, I'm only kidding, marie!
Make me dinner!
- And that,
ladies and gentlemen,
Answers the question,
"why do we drink?"
- Hello.
- Hello.
- So who would you pick for me
if you d*ed first?
- Ohh.
And you say I'm bad
at foreplay.
- Come on, ray.
I'm just curious.
If you d*ed,
who would I get?
- Come on, now you're
thinkin' like my mother?
- No. But, you know,
you got to admit,
In her own weird way,
It was kind of a loving,
caretaking thought.
- Or...
Is it a way to control my father
from the grave?
- Come on, ray.
Who would you pick for me?
- No. Why? Why do we
have to do this?
- It's just
an interesting game.
It will show
how well you know me,
How much you understand me.
Just play.
Just play.
Who would you pick
to replace you?
- I consider myself
irreplaceable.
- I picked someone
to replace me.
- Yeah? Who?
- Margaret stevens.
- Who?
- The kids' preschool teacher.
I think she's perfect for you.
- Perfect?
She's got to be 65 years old!
She's old enough
to be my mother!
- I thought
you would like that.
- Ahh!
Ho ho.
Yeah. How about I replace you
with somebody nice?
Relax, relax.
I was kidding
about margaret.
I picked a good person
for you, really.
- Yeah, well, you know what?
Don't tell me, okay?
I've had enough fun.
- Linda.
- Linda?
Hmm.
Linda.
- See? Didn't I make
a good choice?
Aren't I thoughtful?
- Yes. Yes, you are.
- Yeah.
She's the same age as me.
She's smart, she's funny.
Good values--
- excellent values.
- Yeah, I just...
You know, I just thought
that she--
What are you
grinning about?
- What?
- What's with the big smile?
What are you thinking about?
- What? I'm...
I--i guess I'm thinking
about the kids
And how happy
they'll be with linda.
- You're picturing her naked,
aren't you?
- No, no, no!
No.
- I know she has
a good body.
- She does?
I never noticed.
- Oh, you are so,
so full of it!
I'm not even dead yet.
You're already fantasizing
about having sex with linda.
- I am not! Come on,
how can you say that?
- 'Cause I know that dorky face.
You're so typical!
All you care about
are boobs and butts.
- I couldn't care less
about butts!
- Look at you.
You know,
we're supposed to go
To the movies with them
tomorrow night.
Is that the face
you're gonna have?
- I'm not gonna make that face.
I'm gonna make this face.
- Ugh!
How long have you been
thinking about linda like this?
- I haven't been
thinking about her!
You're the one
who brought her up!
Come on!
Leave me alone!
- All right, you're right.
I guess I'm being
a little silly.
- All right, it's okay.
- So who would you
pick for me?
- Ohh.
Are you even
gonna need somebody?
I mean, couldn't you
just get a cat?
- Look, I made a thoughtful,
unselfish pick for you.
Now you have to pick
for me.
- All right.
Uhhh...
Okay, well, how 'bout,
If I get linda,
then you get bernie?
- Bernie?
- Yeah. What?
It's perfect.
- Bernie?
- Wait a minute.
I know what this is about.
- What?
- He's fat.
- That is not the reason.
- Yes, it is.
There's no reason you shouldn't
be attracted to bernie
Except for all the extra bernie.
- I don't even think
he's that fat.
- Oh, yes, he is.
He knows it.
We make fun of him
all the time.
We call him "blimpy,"
"hindenbernie"...
"Fat boy."
He doesn't care.
He's our friend,
Our fatty-fat friend.
- Is that why
you picked him for me,
So I wouldn't be
attracted to him?
- You see? You admit it.
You are shallow.
- You're shallow!
I mention linda's name.
Two seconds later,
you're having sex with her.
- You're the one who made up
the stupid game!
- It's not a stupid game!
- It is a stupid game!
- Oh, you're stupid!
- You're stupid!
- Stupid!
- Stupid stupid!
I'll show you.
I'll die first!
- Deal.
Kids: bye, mom!
- Have a good day.
Love you.
- Come on.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, what,
you got to glue it on tight,
Huh, milk people, huh?
"Oh, look at me.
"I work for
the milk company.
I glue things on tight."
Yeah.
- Here.
- Thanks. Sorry.
- Here. Here.
Let me.
- Thank you.
How about robert?
- What?
- Well...
I was thinking about it,
and if I d*ed,
I pick robert
to replace me.
What's the matter?
Too tall?
- No!
He's your brother,
And he's marrying
my best friend.
- Well, you didn't like it
when I said bernie,
So I gave it
some real thought,
And knowing you as a person
or whatever,
I-i...
You know, I think I came up
with a good choice, robert. No?
- No. It's--i don't even
want to think about it.
It's too creepy.
- It's not creepy.
Here's how it would happen.
The four of us
are in robert's car.
We get in an accident,
and amy and I die.
- That's not creepy?
- No.
The beauty of it is,
The way I figure it,
Robert feels so guilty
about his driving,
He's rendered impotent.
Yeah. Otherwise,
it would be weird.
- Look, I'm sorry
I brought the whole thing up.
I shouldn't have
put you on the spot like that,
And I overreacted
about you with linda,
'Cause she's a great person,
And I totally understand why
anyone would be happy with her.
- Yeah, I mean,
that's all that was.
- Yeah. I know.
- All right.
- All right.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Linda called this morning.
She had to cancel
our date tonight.
Bernie was up all night
with a terrible stomach flu.
He slept
on the bathroom floor.
- Stomach flu?
That's a lot of flu
with that stomach.
All right.
Well, you know what?
Maybe tonight's the night
We should go
to mrs. Caputo's viewing--
You know,
just get it out of the way.
- Okay, that'd be great.
- All right.
I'll see you.
- Okay.
- So we're good now, right?
- Yeah, we're good.
Have a good day.
- All right.
- [Clears throat]
Linda. It's deb.
Hi.
Yeah, we did too.
But, listen, I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to cancel tonight.
Well, ray was up all night
with this terrible stomach flu.
He slept
on the bathroom floor.
- We're so sorry
for your loss, mr. Caputo.
- Mrs. Caputo will always have
a special place in my heart.
When we were kids,
She would always
call us over
For her home-baked
apple pie.
And she would always
cut me a slice
Just a little bit bigger
than raymond's.
She was a beautiful person.
- Come on, frank.
- Look at her.
That's who
you picked for me?
- Sit down here.
- Is that picture
before or after?
- Well, it's good to see you,
mr. Caputo,
Considering
the circumstances.
- Thank you, robert.
Nice to meet you, amy.
- You too.
- All right,
that's enough.
- No, I'll tell you
when it's enough.
- Oh, hello, robert.
- Ah, mrs. Lichtmann.
- There she is, marie.
Ah, harriet.
- Unbelievable.
Look what she's wearing
to a funeral home.
Stop looking.
- And I'll never forget
how mrs. Caputo
Used to cut me and robert slices
of her homemade apple pie.
But she always used to
take me aside
And slip me an extra slice
to take home.
- What?
- George.
Oh, george,
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.
- Thank you for coming,
marie.
- How old was she?
- 82.
- 82?
So young. So young.
- I know, marie.
And I'll tell you something.
You two should enjoy
Every moment you have
with each other.
- That shut 'em up.
- Hey, hi.
Hi.
- [Giggles]
We came on the same night.
How about that?
- Hey.
Oh, ray.
I'm sorry--lipstick.
[Giggles]
- [Sarcastically]
are you okay?
- Tickles.
- How are you feeling, ray?
- What? Oh, I'm okay.
You know, I hadn't seen her
in a long time.
- Oh, no, I meant--
- Oh, mrs. Caputo.
Such a shame, right?
Such a nice lady.
Right, bernie?
- Yeah, I'll miss her.
I'll miss her pies.
- Hey, what about you?
You look good, though.
You must've got over it
pretty quick.
- She was
such a sweet lady,
Such a wonderful lady,
and now--
Phttt!
You two should
pay your respects.
George is
right over there.
- Can I tell you something,
george?
My boys loved rose's
apple pie so much,
I used to tell her
It's okay to give raymond
an extra piece.
- Hello, george.
- Harriet.
- Well, hello, harriet.
- Oh, hello, frank.
- Oh. George is free now.
- Hey, bernie,
I thought you were sick.
- Me? I'm healthy as a horse.
You're the sick one.
- I'm not sick.
- You spent the whole night
on the bathroom floor.
- I thought you spent
the whole night
On the bathroom floor.
- Who told you that?
- Hey, a wonderful lady
is in a box over there.
- So you tell people I sleep
on the bathroom floor?
If you didn't want to see us,
you could've just said so.
- Did we do something
to offend you?
- No, no, not at all.
- Then why?
- I think
I can explain it.
- I think you shouldn't, ray.
- Debra's jealous.
- Jealous of what?
- Of linda.
- Ray.
- And me.
- What?
- No, it's not like that.
- Remember the other night
When my parents were
talking about future spouses?
Well, debra and I
got into it,
And she picked linda for me,
And I said "fine."
She couldn't take it.
- Because he wouldn't wipe
that stupid look off his face.
- You were picturing her naked,
weren't you?
- Bernie!
- No, come on.
That's all guys do.
They see a woman,
they picture her naked.
- Oh, yeah?
You picture debra naked?
- Huh?
No! No more than
you'd picture ray naked.
- Eww!
- "Eww?"
- Yeah, that's right.
I would never picture
bernie naked.
- It's because I'm heavy,
isn't it?
I know I have trouble
with weight.
I happen to have
a glandular problem.
- I picked you for her,
but she didn't want you.
- Ray, would you
stop saying that?
- Hey, what's with
all the noise?
- Just never mind, okay?
Mind your business.
We're talking
about something here.
- Hi, everybody.
Isn't this lovely?
- Debra decided
that if she dies,
Ray should be with me.
- Yeah, and ray
picked me for debra,
But apparently, I'm too fat!
- That's not true, bernie!
- Did debra even
consider me?
- Hey, I'm right here!
- Don't worry about it, amy.
Robert wasn't good enough
for her either.
- What's wrong
with robert?
- Excuse me; you're gonna
have to lower your voices.
- I'm not gonna
tell you again.
You stay away
from my husband.
- Marie, we were
just talking.
- No, you weren't
just talking.
You were picturing her naked.
- Get outta my head, woman!
- Let me tell you
something, frank.
I don't care
what your dreams are,
You are never
gonna find yourself
In the arms
of harriet lichtmann!
- And let me
tell you something, marie!
I don't care
how many plans you make,
I wouldn't be caught dead
with rose caputo!
- Thanks.
We had a good time.
- So who would you
pick for me?
- Robert,
I don't want to do this.
- Come on.
Just for fun.
- We're not even married yet,
And you want to know
who can replace me?
- I picked somebody
to replace me.
- Oh, yeah? Who?
- Well, what about...
Raymond?
- Ray?
- That's my girl!
07x20 - Who's Next?
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.