07x23 - The Blaming of the Shrew

[bunniefuu]

All rightie. My husband
and I will see you then.

You ever done
something like this?

You and Dan ever been
to a couples therapist?

No, but we did get in a fight
at a hockey game one time.

The guy had to separate us.

I really think
this is the best way
to fix my marriage.

Well,
I really wouldn't know,

because in this family
we fix our own problems.

We use no psychiatrists,
no therapists,

no educated people
of any kind.

How's D.J.
doing up there?

For a boy going
to his first school dance,

pretty good.

I'm letting him use
that fancy hair goo

that I save for
special occasions.

That's called shampoo, Dan.

Oh, D.J.'s first date.

I can't believe it.

I remember
my first date.

I was a freshman
in high school.

Marshall Gordon.

That wasn't
his first name.

That was his job.

He got kicked off the force
'cause of you.

Well, well, well,
lookie here!

That suit looks great!

The organ grinder was right.

How you feel, son?

I'm kinda scared.

Talk to him, Dan.

There's an extra pork chop
in it for you.

I don't know
what to tell him.

Well, just tell him
the same thing

your dad told you
on your first date.

Hmm.

Son, if you think of it,

bring back
a pack of Camels.

[knock on door]

Well, it's pretty much
what I expected.

Hi. I'm D.J.'s mom.

I'm Lisa.
Nice to meet you.

Hey, doofus.

Hey.

We have lots of
little funny nicknames
for each other.

What do you call her?

Uh...

Lisa.

Oh. Here.
It's a flower.

Look at my dress.

Are there any colors
that come close

to going
with a blue flower?

Sorry.

Sorry doesn't cut it.

You get your money
back for it,

and give that to me.

All right, well, let me
take a picture of you two

in case D.J.
don't make it back.

Wait.

I'm your date, D.J.

I'm not just some kid
you're hanging out with.

Put your arm around me.

Okay. Go ahead, Mrs. Conner.

Okay, smile real big,
D.J.

I want to see
them teeth.

After all, this is
the first picture
I've taken of you

since they came in.

Okay.
Now, who's driving us?

David is.

You David?

No, ma'am.

I mean no.

David!

Well, Lisa,
while we're waiting

for David to come in,

sit down,
tell us a little
about yourself.

Well, I'm in all
the honor classes,

and I'm President
of the Student Council.

I also play the clarinet,

and I was
just elected to be
in the all-county band.

Well,
that is very impressive.

Uh, D.J. can make a spoon
stick to his forehead.

Hey, you guys ready?

Nice
meeting everybody.

Man,

who gets drunk and cuts
this family's hair?

Don't just stand there.

Open the door for me
like a gentleman.

Can you sit up
in the front seat
with me?

Dad, I'm still
kind of scared.

[Lisa] Train's pulling out,
doofus!

Coming.

What was that?

I don't know.

But the Dark Prince
takes many forms.

I like her.

** [theme]

What are you doing?

Eating my asparagus.

No, you're not. You're just
biting their heads off.

Well, I don't like
the bottom part.

I don't remember asking.

[chuckling]

D.J., you eat
whatever you want.

Hey, stay out of it, Dan.
I agree with her.

Why do you have a plate
of half-eaten asparagus?

'Cause we don't have
a dog?

Vegetables are very important,
Dan. If they weren't,

we wouldn't be havin' 'em
once a week.

Yes'm.

Hey. This is cool. I never
played doubles before.

So did you ask
your folks yet?

Uh, no.
Yes, he may marry you.

My family's goin' camping
at the lake this weekend,

and I want D.J.
to come with us.

My mom said it was okay.

Well, then it's okay
with us.

Roseanne. Isn't there someone
else you should be asking
about this?

Oh. Yeah. So,
you wanna go, right?
Yeah!

Cool. Hey, if you start
sittin' around the campfire
and tellin' scary stories,

change our names.

Roseanne, I'm serious
about this.

Oh! Yeah, all right.
Yeah, we'll talk.

Uh, see, you don't wanna
take all the fight out
of your guy.

You want him to still
be able to bark at strangers.

Gotcha. Come on, D.
Let's go for a walk.

Okay, L.
Don't do that.

There is no way I'm lettin'
my son go to the lake with
that girl.

Why not?

Because she pushes him around.
She's a bully.

Oh. What, so now
pushing people around
makes you a bully?

Roseanne, if this was
one of our girls,

and some boy was treatin'
her this bad, you'd tear
that guy apart.

This is completely
different, Dan.

A boy starts life way
up here on a throne,
and a girl is down here.

So if a boy's pushin'
a girl around, he's
tryin' to keep her down.

But if a girl's pushin'
a boy around, she's tryin'
to elevate herself.

Can't ya see that?

Boys bullyin' girls
is a step backwards,

but girls bullyin' boys?
Now that's the future.
[door closes]

Hey, did you guys decide
about the lake thing?

'Cause Lisa wants
to know now.

Well, I'm against it.
Your mom's for it--

Oh, boy! I'm gonna go
get my sleeping bag!

Hm. So that's what
a wombat looks like.

I really don't see why
we have to be here.

Because you need help
with your anger, Fred.

Anyone who's had as much
therapy as I have knows that.

What anger?
The anger that you take
and mash down

and mash down until it's
all buried deep down
inside you, just all...

mashed!

I don't have any
mashed anger.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, okay!

[sniffling]
[Woman] Well, I'm sure
sorry about that.

But hey, there are plenty
of fish in the sea, huh?

Buh-bye!

Uh, Jackie and Fred?

That's us!
All right. Come on in.
I'm Dr. Whitman.

[Fred] Hi.
Well, that's silly.
Obviously, I'm Dr. Whitman.

I'm the only one here,
and the sign says Dr. Whitman,
so...that's me!

[both laughing]

Okay, come on.
All right.

Sit down.
Okay.

Can I get you something
to drink? You thirsty?
Um, no.

Are you cold? Are you warm?
I could open a window.

But-- that's right. I can't
open a window. In my old
office, I could open a window.

But this office, I can't
open the window. The window
doesn't open at all. It's just--

[banging]
I used to-- I just moved.
This is new. So, uh--

that's why I'm still saying
"I could open a window".
But I can't, so--

listen to me, babbling
on and on and on.

Oh, I guess if you get warm,
I could break a window!

Oh, I'm just kiddin'
about breakin' a window.
Anyhoo, um--

if it's okay with you,
I would like to record
the session.

Oh, yeah.
That's fine.
Okay. Great.

Kinda like to play
the tapes for my friends.

Just kidding.
Kidding again.

Okey-dokey. Why don't
we get started with, uh,

each of you stating what
you think the problems
with the marriage are.

Um...Fred?
[nervous laugh]

I don't know what to say.
Uh-huh. Well, see.
That's a--

Think I-- discussed that
with you over the phone.

Put down your
shield, Fred.

We are your friends.

Did that sound
hostile at all?

No, I thought that
was very well said.
Good. Okay.

'Cause sometimes I can
get started, and then I
"Woo!" [laughs]

All right.
Back to you, Fred.

Well, I guess-- apparently,
Jackie and I could have

some kind of
communication problem.

Okay. All right.
Anything else?

Nope.

Uh-- [clears throat,
chokes back laugh]

Uh-huh. Well, um--
not gonna need two tapes
on you, am I, slugger?

Okay, Jackie. What do you
think the problems are?

Uh, not much. I would
have to say, I guess,

that, um, it does bother me
a little bit that Fred

always likes things
to be the same.

Good! Good. Okay,
Fred, would you like--

But it's all things.
All the time.
Always the same. Always.

You know. Everything
we do. Everything we eat.
Every TV show that we watch.

Has to be the same.
No change! No.
Can't be variety. No.

Has to be same same
same same same same--

Till you just wanna--
strap him on the back
of the car,

and drag him around
for a little bit.
Ya know?

Because at least that
would be different. That
would be something new.

But what really bothers me
is this man's--

this Fred's calm, polite,
"I'm not a bit angry, I'm
just sitting here on the couch

"with my legs crossed,
wearing this shirt" crap!

When anybody can see that
inside, the man is seething
with rage.

Fred?

Well? Gee. I don't know.

Um-- do you think there's
something wrong with this shirt?

Oh...oh, my.
[Jackie] What?

Oh my oh my oh my.
What, you think he's
hopeless, doctor?

No, the tape wasn't
recording the entire time.

Stupid, stupid--

Oh. There we go.
All right.

Now, would you mind
starting again?

Well, from-- ?
The beginning.

Yeah. Something about
Fred, wanting things
"same same same!"

You know. "Rage!"

Something about dragging me
from the back of the car?

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Fred spoke. Ha ha!

Or I think that was you, Fred,
wasn't it? 'Cause I wouldn't
recognize his voice.

Okay. There we go,
and we're back.

Uh, it's just like, maybe
in the morning, like you just
say "Pass the toast..."

So Fred just sat there
in the office like a deer
caught in the headlights.

I love that look
on a man.

Even if Fred did clam up,
at least I got a couple
things off my chest.

This tea feels good.
I don't know why my throat's
so raw!

What are you two doin'
home in the middle of
the day?

I just picked D.J. up
at the bus depot.

Why, wasn't there enough
droolin' freaks around here
to keep ya happy?

It seems him and Lisa
skipped school today,

and took the bus to
downtown Chicago,

and didn't have enough
money to get back.

What? You went to Chicago?

Yep. And the bus company
let 'em ride back free,

them made 'em wait
at the station,

while they called me
away from work to come
pick 'em up.

Well, I didn't wanna go!
Lisa made me!

Whaddaya mean,
she "made" you?

She made me! I mean,
you see her! You know
how she is!

Well, you've seen me,
and you know how I am, too!

Now you go in there
and kiss that TV goodbye!

Can't believe that kid!
I gotta get back to work.

Hey hey hey! I could
use a little help here.

Oh, no! A man,
helping a woman out?

That's a step backwards!

But you cleanin' up
your own mess?
That's the future!

All right, let's get
this over with. D.J.!

Hi, Mom!

Son, I am going to
punish you so hard

that they're gonna throw
a benefit concert for you.

What are you gonna
do to me?

Well, I don't know
that yet. But I do know
it starts with this.

Go to your room.

For how long?

Bring a shaver.

I'm so mad at him--
Well, of course you are!

D.J. did something terrible.
You have to punish him.

Not him, idiot! Dan!

I hate it when he's right.
Now he's gonna think he can

give his opinion over every
little major thing.

I can't believe that little
girl was manipulative enough
to get D.J. to go to Chicago.

Man, she is a natural.

She's obviously been
married before.

Well-- can't blame
the whole thing on her,
Roseanne.

I mean-- did you ever think
that D.J. might be mimicking
what he sees around here?

The way little Lisa
bosses D.J. around

is exactly the way that
you boss Dan around.

I don't boss Dan around.

I am trying to put him
in touch with his
submissive side.

Roseanne! Admit it.

You're bossy!

Bossy.

Is a farmer who turns
a pig

into a glazed ham
bossy?

I am not saying that
you and Dan don't
respect each other.

I am just saying that,
as an objective third party,

I see how it can
appear.

Well, D.J.'s smart enough
to know that things aren't
always the way they look.

He isn't stupid, Jackie.

Even though he did wear
his shoes on the wrong
feet for years.

What?
Oh, I'm just waiting
to hear you say

"You might be right,
Jackie."

Yeah? I'm waitin'
for chocolate air.

Where you goin'?

I'm going to go show D.J.

what terrible things
could happen to him

in a great big city
like Chicago.

Don't you think that you
and Dan should talk to him?

Why? What do I need
Dan for?

Roseanne, have you
been listening?

Well, I was listening!

But then I stopped talking,
and it all got really boring!

Hey!
Hi.

What are you doin'?

Me and Andy are
goin' to the park.

Ah.

You mind delayin'
the park a little?

I'd like to talk.

Oh, now you wanna talk.
When it's free.

When it's $ an hour,
you're a block of wood.

Well, I wanted to talk
about our therapy session.

See, after the ringing
in my ears stopped,

I thought that you
probably had a point.

Really.
Yeah.

Maybe I am angry.

I mean, I was really hurt
that you went out with
this Pete guy--

Oh, yeah.
That reminds me.

I got to pick up
more salt for that wound.

Jackie. Please. Don't
get defensive on me.

I'm tryin' to say that--

I was partly
to blame for it.

Obviously, you weren't gettin'
what you needed at home.
Oh.

Well, yeah.
That was part of it.

And I realized
something else, too.
What?

We're very
different people.

See, that's what
I've been saying.

I didn't realize it
until now,

but we barely knew
each other when we
got married.

I know! We only had
a couple of dates.

And the baby.

I know it sounds
kind of boring, Jackie,
but I'm a homebody.

I really like just
having a beer, watching TV,
and then going to bed.

And I need more than that.
I need more excitement.

To live on the edge more.

I need to let the gas go
below a quarter of a t*nk.

And I am the kind of guy
that could never do that.

I'm also the kind of guy
that's gotta tell you,
that is so bad for your car!

I guess you didn't realize
you were gettin' somebody
so uptight, huh?

No. I guess-- you didn't
realize you were marrying
somebody so neurotic.

Guess not.

Well, we've got--
one thing in common.

We both got married
too fast, to people--

who aren't what
we expected.

Yeah.

So...

guess I'll...

take him to the park.
Okay.

[clearing throat]

You wanna come?

Yeah! Okay.

Hey! I got a great idea.
This time we'll do something
different.

We'll go to a different park.
I know it. It's got swings.

Small bites
at first, Fred.

Don't gobble.
Small bites.

[vacuum cleaner hum]

D.J., what are
you doing?

Gettin' a head start
on my punishment.

Well, Dan, that explains
those mints on our pillow.

Turn it off, son.

[vacuum shuts down]
We need to talk to you.

It's about Lisa.
Oh.

Yeah. See? We think
we figured out

why you picked her
for your girlfriend.

I didn't pick her!
She picked me!

What your mom means is,
we know why you keep
going out with her.

'Cause she tells me to!

Oh-- I wanna
like this girl!

Is something wrong?

Yeah, there is.

She doesn't treat you
very good, Deej.

And we think you're okay
with that because

you think-- that's the way
your mom treats me.

But you got it all wrong.

Yeah. See,
me and your dad,

we totally respect each
other. We're exactly equal
in this house.

And you know why?
Because that's
the way I want it.

I mean, sure, it may
look like she runs
things around here.

But-- there's a million ways
I get my own way around here.

Like what?

Give him an example.

Oh, okay! Heh. Last month,
your mom wanted to tune up
the truck.

But that's something
I like to do! So I said,
"No way!"

Yeah. And giving in
feels so good when
you love someone.

Point is, son, you can't
let yourself get pushed
around.

So I should only like
girls who are wimpy?

No, exactly the opposite.

You should like a girl
who's tough enough
to know what she wants,

but-- yet soft enough
to know how to get it.

And she should have
a very wealthy father

with an enlarged heart.

See, Deej, a strong woman--

is a joy forever.

But you always have to be
a very strong man.

Okay. I think
I got it.

Yeah, well, you said
the same thing about
long division.

Okay, I was going out
with Lisa

because I thought the lady
should boss the man around.

But that's wrong. Nobody
should boss anybody around.

Bingo! You pass!
We're proud of ya!

[laughs]
We sure are.

Does that mean I get
to go to the lake
with Lisa?

No, that means
you're grounded!

But your dad and I
are gonna go,

and we're gonna send you
a postcard.

I hate this!

[chuckles] We make
a heck of a couple.

Yeah, skip it, Dan.
The kid left the room.

Hey. I heard you in there,
talkin' about why you're
goin' out with Lisa.

So?
So I thought you were
goin' out with her

'cause she slips you
the tongue.

Yeah. But I'm not gonna
tell them that!

Where's D.J.?

He out back, cleaning
dog doo off my shoes.

Coulda stepped around it,
but I wasn't in the mood.

Listen, Lisa.

I think you're really
mistreating D.J.

Do you have any idea
the amount of crap

I gotta take at school
for bein' D.J.'s girlfriend?

Then why don't you just
break up with him, then?

'Cause he does do
one thing very well.

If you know what I mean.

Oh, God...

Hey, Deej! Whaddaya say
we show David what makes me--
stick around?

No. I don't
wanna see this.

No, it's okay.

God, I love this man!