07x24 - The Birds and the Frozen Bees

[bunniefuu]

** (harmonica)

Darlene,
is there more juice?

Yeah, but it's frozen...

and it's on a stick.

All right,
who's freezing bees?

I am.

Quick question,
freak boy. Why?

So I could
thaw 'em out.

Didn't they come
thawed out?

Yeah, but see,
if you freeze a bee,

then use a magnifying glass
to thaw it out,

it'll come back to life.

Is that really true?

I don't know.

He was wrong about that
nail through the worm thing.

It's true.
Just thaw 'em out
and they fly away.

Oh, come on, D.J.
That's impossible.

No it's not.

Come on, I'll show you.

Oh my God, he's actually
gonna unfreeze a bee!

D.J. is gonna take
something that's dead
and bring it back to life.

That's like playing God!

I'm sure God was thrilled
by that comparison.

Ooh, nice. We haven't
cooked out in a long time.

It just takes
a minute.

I feel like there ought
to be spooky music playing.

( imitates spooky music )

Please, please
be a k*ller bee.

Why don't you just zap it
in the microwave?

Tried that.
Blew up.

What are you doing?
Bringing a bee back to life.

Okay.

You know, Deej, bees are
really intelligent creatures,

and they're
amazingly devoted.

I read someplace
where if you k*ll one
then the whole hive

comes and finds your scent
and kills you.

Actually, his scent
tends to k*ll them.

See, see, look.

Oh my God, Darlene, look!
It's a miracle.
The bee's alive!

Truly he is the son of God.

See, I told you I could do it!

** ( harmonica )

So, you guys want
to toe tag?

When I started watching
the trial I was certain,
and now I'm not sure.

Well, there's no doubt
in my mind, Jackie.

F. Lee Bailey's
definitely drunk.

Has "bored to death"
ever actually happened?

Don't' pretend like
you're not into it, Darlene.

Why else did you go get
that Marcia Clark haircut?

Jackie, if you can
tear yourself away, you want
to go see a movie with me?

No way. I've followed
this from the beginning.

I know the second I leave
it's finally gonna start
getting interesting.

All right, Mom,
I'll go with you.

But this time I pay
and let you in the exit door.

No. Going would just mean
having to take a shower
and put on underwear.

Go ask David.

Too much history there.
It'd be weird.

You live for weird.

Darlene, go with David.

My biggest regret is I lost
touch with the guys I dated.

Doesn't the Health Department
keep them records?

I just don't think
David and I can have
a friendly relationship.

Well then, you know,
you're throwing away
something good.

'Cause I always stayed friends
with all the men I was with

after the sex stopped.

Your father,
for example.

Well, I'd like
to be friends with him,

but I just don't know
that it's possible.

Anything is possible, Darlene.

For example, last week
I, by myself,

refilled the ice trays.

Roseanne, lighten up.

She's gotta be
comfortable with it.

Take your time.

Many people have tried
to push me into doing--

David!

On the other hand,
Darlene, you're not
getting any younger.

What's going on?

Oh, Sidebar, huh?

Uh, hey, David.

Hey.

You want to go to a movie?

Don't you think that'd be
a little uncomfortable?

Could you two drama queens
just get over it?

Do you have any feelings
left for David?
No.

And do you have any feelings
left for Darlene?

Well, I respect her
as a person--

Blah, blah, blah.

Okay, so it's just
a movie. You can go.
It doesn't mean nothing.

If it's okay with you,
it's okay with me.

Okay, let's go.

Now remember,

no expectations,
no attachments.

Just a couple of buddies
hanging out.

They're gonna
get back together.

I'm so amazing.

I ever get up off this couch,
I'll be unstoppable.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Conner.

What are you doin'?

I'm borrowing Dan's
long needle nose pliers.

He said they were
in this drawer.

Well, you don't
live here anymore

and you got to knock
before you come in.

What if you came in here
and I was naked

and I was using them
needle nose pliers?

I'm doing something
for Becky, okay?

Well, Becky doesn't
live here anymore either.

You gotta knock before
you just come in here.

( sighs )

( knocking )

( knocking )

( knocking )
Hey!

Were you ever planning
on letting me in?

Oh, it's you!

Well, it's really rude
to show up places
unannounced, you know.

Why don't you go over
to your house and call
me up on the phone

and then maybe
I'll let you in.

I don't believe this.

( door slams )

I didn't know
we were having waffles.

Well, that's life
in the Conner household.

One unexpected surprise
after another.

So...

you and David got in
pretty late last night, huh?

You waited up for me?

No, I didn't wait up for you.
I waited up for David.

In case you didn't know,
he scrapes my feet at night.

So where did you go
after the movie?

We got a bite to eat.

And?

And he had a burger.

Yeah?

It was a little dry.

Oh, spill it, Darlene.
Don't think of me
as being your mom.

Think of me as like one
of your girlfriends at school.

In that case,
I should tell you that

all the other girls always
make fun of your clothes.

Spill it, Darlene,

or I'm gonna make you
go with me to see
the movie Nell.

All right.

David and I
had a good time

and I'll deny
saying this later,

but I'm glad
you got us to go out.

That's it?

Yeah, I mean it was just
real comfortable and natural,
you know?

The guys I go out with
at school,

they always try to say
something really witty

and they expect me
to applaud or something.

Yeah, your dad
looks at me that way

whenever he picks
the right vowel
on Wheel of Fortune.

You know,

I kind of got the feeling
that David might want
to get back together.

Really?
What about you?

Well, I wouldn't mind
getting back together either.

I think that's great, Darlene.
I'm really happy for you.

Thanks, Mom.
And thanks for butting in.

Yeah, well, this time
I hope you guys stay together

'cause you know
this is getting tough on me.

Next time I'm just
gonna use duct tape.

Morning.
Hi.
Hey.

No, no, no,
don't hang that up.
I'm expecting a call.

You know, David,

if you're not
busy tonight,

I'm really in the mood
for some Yahtzee.

I was kind of hoping
on going out tonight.

Oh, really?

What, you and Darlene
gonna go see another movie?

Uh, yeah, why don't we?

Uh, no.
Actually, I have a date.

Well, David, a date
is an easy thing to break,
you know.

Uh...

I could do it for you.

It'd be fun.

What's the little
bitch's name?

I am not
breaking this date.

I've been trying to get
this girl to go out with me
for months.

Well, that's cool.
I got to study anyway.

Mrs. Conner, could you
recommend a good restaurant
I could take my date to?

I'm not your pimp, David!

Whoa!

That smells...

Well, it doesn't smell good,
but it sure is big.

Just the way
you like it.

What's in there anyway?

Meat, vegetables,
cheese, fruit--

I don't know.

Something wrong, honey?

( sighs )

Darlene still
loves David, okay?

So I got 'em to go
to this movie together

and now David's got
a date with some other girl
and Darlene's really upset

and I feel like
it's my fault

and I don't know
what to do about it.

( exhales )
Well, call me
when dinner's ready.

If you leave this room now,
you're having seconds.

Why do you always need me to
tell you not to get involved

right before you get involved?

Does it help psych you up?
Does it make it extra fun?

So I shouldn't
get involved?

I should just leave it
to God whether they
get back together?

Yeah.

But he has so much, Dan,
and all I have is
this kind of thing.

And the diner.

Did you ever think that
maybe it'd be better if
they didn't get together?

I mean,
David's doing great,

and Darlene's doing
big things in Chicago.

Maybe she shouldn't be
tied down to someone
here in Lanford.

Yeah, well, maybe I
shouldn't be either.

Why are you so intent
on getting them together?

'Cause I love my daughter
and I love David.

No new people!

Look, I hate to say this,

but if David's dating other
people,

he's probably not
interested in Darlene.

Oh yeah?
David, come in here!

What are you doing?

I'm going to find out
whether he loves her or not.

And if he does, then I'm gonna
make him get back together.

And if he doesn't?

Hey.

So, David.

Uh...

This girl you're going out
with tonight, you like her?

Yes.

That's nice.

You like her more
than you like...

say, me?

Just answer
the question, son.

That's not really
a fair comparison.

That's a good point.

What would be
a fair comparison?

Oh, I know.

Do you like her more
than you like Darlene?

I don't know.

Is that painful subject?

Sort of.

Why, David, because you
think maybe there's a lot
of unfinished business?

What are you
getting at?

Nothing. I'm just talking
about your new girl.

No, no, you're not.
You're talking Darlene.

See, I wonder why you
keep bringing her up.

I don't.

Hey, it's okay if you don't
want to talk about this, David,

but you really
don't have to start

playing all these
head games with me.

Okay, I see
what this about now.

Look, if Darlene thinks

I want to get back
together with her
or something, I don't.

God, we broke up
almost a year ago.
I'm over it now.

See, I told you.
He loves her.

Where did you
get that from?

Well, it's so obvious.

Didn't you see the big
moony look on his face

when he started
talking about her?

That's the same look
you get every year when
the McRib comes back.

Hey.
Hey.

Big date tonight, huh?

( chuckles )

Are you wearing cologne?

No, I just ate a cough drop.

Ah, nice.

So, I had fun
last night.

Yeah, I love
crappy movies like that.

Yeah, me too.

And dinner
afterwards was fun.

Yeah, I liked my burger.

Yeah.

Wow.

Meat is some
crazy stuff, huh?

What's going on, Darlene?

Nothing. I just...

Well, I suppose that
if I had something
to tell you

and it was
really important,

that now would probably
be the right time.

Yeah?

No, nothing. I guess
I should have been

more creative
with my time.

You know, when I take
my spine to the shop

I always get a loaner.

Look, I just changed
my mind, all right?

Oh, that's such bull, Darlene.

You know you love him.

So go in there,
take a deep breath,

and say all those things
to him that you used to say

to that Scott Baio poster.

Okay, you're right.

David's all I ever
think about. I can't
stand us being apart.

Damn this lousy w*r.

Well, he likes you.

He does?
How do you know?

Uh, because...

posing as a person who cares
for him and feeds him,

I slowly earned his trust.

And he said
he still likes me?

Yeah. Well, he didn't
exactly use those words,

but he was fidgety
and he couldn't look me
in the eye,

so he might as well
of said it like that.

What exactly did he say?

That he didn't like you.

Well, gosh, I guess
I better go back
on the pill.

No, trust me.
Trust me on this, Darlene.

The guy is nuts about you,
but he's not gonna tell you.

You're the one that's
gonna have to stick
her neck out here.

Why me?

Because he's a guy.

See, and guys can't
talk about their
feelings that much.

That part of their brain
is totally undeveloped.

There's mostly just like
a big pocket of fat in there

to keep the head
from laying over to one side.

Well, I can't
tell him either.

Yeah, you can.
You can tell him
you like him, Darlene.

Or you can do what
your dad did to me--

punch him in the arm
and run away.

No.

You're scared.

I don't believe it.
Here I thought you were

a big strong brave woman
that could handle anything

and you're sitting here scared
to death of little Kenny G.

That's not it.

It's just...

Well...

I know that David is
the one that I really want.

Well, I wanted
the buy-in bag

to carry those
foot-long hot dogs, Darlene,

but I never spoke up.

The result?

Unhappiness.

I've dated a lot
of guys at school,

and they all suck.

If I go in there
and he rejects me,

I just don't think
I could take that.

I don't see any reason why
he would reject you, Darlene.

Okay, well, I do, but he's
not as perceptive as me.

God, I'd reject me
if I was him.

I mean, I dumped him
and I hurt him really badly.

I really messed
this whole thing up
and it's all my fault.

I just... Please don't make me
go in there and find out.

All right, I'm not
gonna make you do anything
that you don't want to do.

Thanks.
Yeah.

Okay.

I'm not gonna even
mention it again.

Appreciate it.
Yep.

'Course you know
if you don't go after him,

you're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life.

You promised.

I know, dear,
but I lied.

Goodbye, Mother.

Okay, well, I guess you
made your final decision.

So all that's left now
is just to find

a comfortable chair
and pick a liquor.

I'm putting on my coat.

You know, I almost
let your dad get away
from me once.

Really?

Yeah. Uh...

It was in high school
and we had this big fight.

And I told him that
I hated his guts, you know,

so started seeing
this cheerleader.

And they were like
all over each other.

And then, one time
after a big football game,

he was standing there
with all of his friends

and I had to force myself
to go up to him

and tell him I was sorry
and that I wanted him back.

Wow, that must have
been really hard.

All right, I'll do it.

David, just shut up
and listen for a minute.

I need a pencil.

Okay, look.

I still have a lot
of feelings for you, David.

And I want us to get
back together, okay?

So, I guess
I kind of love you.

But you probably
don't love me anymore

and I don't blame you
after the way I treated you,

but I had to tell you
because I think it
would be stupid

for me not to tell you
when there's a chance

that we might
get back together.

I just don't
want to get hurt.

I won't hurt you,
Darlene.

So, are we back
together again?

Yep.

Except I have
that date tonight.

It's just a movie.
I should be back by .

We can start
going out then, okay?

Okay, fine.
I was just wondering.

How do you plan on seeing
a movie with two forks
stuck in your eye sockets?

Or, you know,
I could stay in tonight.

Boy, you know,
if you and me ever team up...

phew.

Cheerleader, my ass.

Hmm, man.

Not only does O.J. have

the best lawyers
money can buy,

he's got the best witnesses

money can buy too.

Hey, you're Marcia Clark!

What are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted
to come by and thank you

for all the support
you've given over
the past few months.

No problem.
I think you're great.

You know, you've got kids,
working hours a day...

I mean, where do you
find the time?

I'm a single mom.
I make time.

While I'm doing laundry,

I go over D.N.A. evidence.

While I'm making
sandwiches for the kids,

I look for baloney
the defense is throwing at me.

And today, while I'm
grilling Kato Kaelin

in front of an audience
of millions,

I'm cleaning my oven.

Well, when do you sleep?

Whenever F. Lee Bailey
opens his mouth.

I just can't believe
how great you are.

I mean, to be able to keep
your sense of humor with
all you're going through.

And your horrible ex-husband
trying to take your kids away.

Well, you know how
the ex-husband stuff goes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Well, I should be
getting back.

No, no, no. Come on,
take a load off.

Let me cut you off
a slice of cheese.

Oh.

Where'd you get that
big bloody Kn*fe?

Oh, this?

Well, last summer when I was
visiting Darlene up in Chicago,

I found it in this big field
right by the airport.

Could I borrow that?

Sure.
Okay, thanks.

I think it'll
come in handy.

Bye now.
( chuckles )

** ( drums, harmonica )