07x14 - The Critic

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Murray? Yeah?

I just got a challenge from the guys at
Channel 10 for another softball game.

I want you to catch. Oh, hey,
no, Lou. I don't wanna catch.

What difference does the position
make? Pitch, catch... who cares?

Who's gonna pitch? I am.

You pitched the last time. You always
pitch, Lou. Come on. Let me pitch.

Oh, all right, you can
pitch. I'll catch. Thanks, Lou.

Let's see. I'll get
Fred to play first.

Uh, what about, uh, me?

What do you mean what
about you? What about you?

Well, Mr. Grant, you are gonna include
women on the softball team, aren't you?

Oh, come on. Don't start with
that. It's been such a nice day.

The sun was shining.

The birds were chirping. Mr. Grant,
there is no reason in the world...

that softball should
be exclusively male.

Or that you should
think only of the men in

the newsroom when you
are choosing your team.

No reason. Nothing to do with glands
or physical size. There is no reason.

Okay, Mary. Okay, okay, you're
right. What position do you play?

Name some of the positions.

I'll keep you in mind.

Guys, just heard about the
challenge from Channel 10.

Kind of short notice, but I'll
keep my pitching arm in shape.

[Chuckles] Never mind,
Ted. Murray's gonna pitch.

What do you mean Murray?
Why Murray? Lou said I could.

Well, it's my turn, Lou.

I mean, let me pitch.
I mean, it's not fair.

Please, Lou.

Let him pitch, Murray.

No, Lou, you
promised I could pitch.

Mr. Grant, I take it all back.

I never want to hear
women doing this.

Ted, Murray's gonna pitch.

Well, if he pitches, I'm not
playing. You will if I say so!

Okay, I'll play.

But I'll play lousy.
I'll do everything

wrong, make a laughingstock
of the newsroom.

That's all we've ever
asked you for, Ted.

Let's go, newsies. Hop to it.

Come on, Lou. It's time for
the station manager's reception.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll get my jacket.

Reception? I don't know
anything about a reception.

Who's it for? Karl Heller...
Professor Karl Heller.

Oh, oh. Professor Karl Heller.
That's different. Why didn't you say so?

Ted, do you have the
slightest idea who Karl Heller is?

Well, of course I do, Mary.

He's a famous... scientist.

- Uh, no.
- Psychiatrist.

- No.
- Podiatrist.

The governor of Minnesota?

You don't even know
who our governor is?

Well, they keep changing
every three or four years.

Karl Heller is a friend
of the station manager's.

Former Harvard professor.
You must have heard of him, Ted.

He's been on all the talk shows. He's
always writing articles for magazines.

He'll be teaching a few
courses here at the university.

Oh, big deal. You know
what they say about teaching.

Those who can, do.
Those who can't, don't.

As I told Johnny Carson, five minutes is
inadequate to review a book of any merit.

But for this piece of
trash, it was excessive.

[Laughing]

Gee, I kind of liked that book. I
thought it had real atmosphere.

So does a garbage dump,

but they don't
expect you to read it.

I think maybe I'll
get another drink.

Karl, I'd like you to m-meet Mary
Richards, the producer of our news.

- I'm charmed.
- How do you do?

Tell me, Miss Richards, are all the
women in Minneapolis as lovely as you?

Yes.

I just adored your
article in Harper's, Karl.

On modern theater. Oh, yes.

I love the theater. I just
saw a revival of My Fair Lady.

What a perfect show.

Well, I personally have nothing
against derivative schmaltz.

Granted, it has flaws.

But I don't see how a
marriage of second-rate Shaw...

with third-rate operetta can
produce anything but drivel.

Not a... Not a great show by
any means. But the costumes...

Hollow pomp draped
in fruity decadence.

Check.

I think I'm gonna, uh,
just... I'll get another drink.

I think the proper function
of drama should be...

to shatter our complacency
and to scar our souls.

I do that on my show.

Professor, I'm Murray Slaughter.
I've enjoyed your writing.

Thank you. Thank you.
I'd rather you hadn't.

What we enjoy, we forget.
What irritates stays with us.

That reminds me. Do
you know Ted Baxter?

Professor, I understand
you're aces in the brain game.

Of whom is this
person doing a parody?

We had a couple of
eggheads in my family.

And yet I'm the one who became
rich and famous. Funny, isn't it?

No, not really.

One never goes broke
underestimating the public's taste.

[Forced Laugh]

Karl and I were just
discussing theater.

Oh. Well, I'm a
movie buff myself.

I love to watch
'em on television.

That's where they belong.

Come on. You must
like some movies.

Well, at its best,
which it seldom is,

a film can be powerful.

There was one absolutely first-rate
Ukrainian film at the last festival.

It was called Blood
On a Dog's Face.

It was about deformity.

Oh, boy.

But somehow, the subtitles
missed all the whimsy.

Maybe I should
get another drink...

for when I finish this.

You wanna know something?
That guy's a pain in the neck.

I have an even
lower opinion of him.

Well, have you all
m-met the guest of honor?

Oh, sure have. And
what do you think?

Haven't stopped
talking about him.

Ah, good. Then you're gonna
love the brainstorm I just had.

I, um... I feel that the
Six O'Clock News...

has become, uh,
bland and predictable.

- What?
- Well, it lacks
c-controversy, Lou.

And I was just thinking,
wouldn't Karl be a great addition?

To what? To the news.

Critic-at-large. Regular
spot once a week.

Books, movies,
restaurants, theater, m-m-m...

You name it.

Critic-at-large?

Well, let's try it one night,
Lou. See how it goes.

I like the idea myself.

But, uh, why are you so set
on the idea of using Karl Heller?

Because he's honest, Mary.
Because he says what he really thinks.

And I prize that
quality above all others.

Ah, well, in that case, would you like
to know what I really think of this idea?

No.

[Ted] ...a surprise turn of events
when a plucky grandmother...

climbed the tree herself, snared
the fugitive canary in a handkerchief...

and fed it to her cat.

Shh. Karl Heller's coming on.

And now it's time to introduce
WJM's new critic-at-large, Karl Heller.

We hope you enjoy
him. But it's just a tryout,

so if he bombs, he goes right down
the old... [Imitates Toilet Flushing]

And now the distinguished
Professor Karl Heller.

Karl, what are you
going to criticize tonight?

When I accepted the job as
cultural watchdog to this metropolis,

my immediate question was,
"What sort of people live here?"

At first glance, this
town might appear to be...

an enclave of benighted yahoos.

Well, I couldn't agree more.

Unless, of course, that's bad.

I wondered, are their
cultural pretensions...

as vacant as their smiles?

Is this really the heartland of what
Mencken called the "Booboisie"?

He just called our entire
audience boobs and yahoos.

Maybe that was just a teaser.

Maybe he was kidding. Hmm.

It is said that a people get
the culture they deserve.

In the nights to come,

we shall try to find out exactly why
no first-rate art has ever been created...

in this big, but
intellectually famished...

arid and sterile city.

[Clears Throat] This
is, uh, Ted Baxter...

saying good night
from Phoenix, Arizona.

"Intellectually famished"?
"Arid, sterile city"?

How could he say
that about Minneapolis?

That is the cruelest
man I have ever seen.

I think I'm in love.

[Phone Rings]

Hello?

[Phones Ringing] Wait a minute.
That is not our responsibility, mister.

- We don't... Hello? Hello?
- Yes, I know.

[All Phones Ringing]
No. Yes, I know.

No, it was not our
idea. [Murray] Hello?

No, really, I... No.

No, no, we are not
responsible. [Laughing]

No, no, that does
not reflect our opinion.

I think we have just witnessed the shortest
career in the history of television.

[Phones Continue Ringing]
Well, how was that for openers?

How was that? You
wanna know how that was?

Fifty-five c-calls. Fifty-five
angry phone calls...

through the switchboard
in one minute.

I can't believe it. You should
hear the calls we're getting h-here.

Listen, Karl, I know I said I'd like you
to appear on the show once a week.

But I've changed my mind.

Once a week isn't enough. I'd
like to make this a n-nightly event.

Well.

And speaking of nightly events, I think
we ought to get to know each other better.

Mel, what are you doing? You yourself
said we never had so many complaints.

Exactly, Lou. C-Complaints
mean c-c-controversy.

And c-c-controversy
builds ratings.

Well, if controversy
is all you want, Mel,

why don't we just have Mary
here deliver the news topless?

Let's see how
this works out first.

What a man, Mary.
And what poise.

Oh, he really knows
how to treat a woman.

Not once did I
have to yell "Start."

That's the worst game I ever
played in my life. Were we lousy.

Really miserable.
We just looked rotten.

Our entire team got one hit.

♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪

- And guess who got it.
- [Ted] Hey, guys.

It's just a game. Matters
not who won or lost.

Only that I played great and
the rest of you sucked eggs.

Ted, just because you got a lucky
hit doesn't mean you played great.

Lucky? You call
my hit lucky, Murray?

I do. With two outs in the ninth
and us 26 runs behind, Ted,

I really don't believe anyone
was expecting you to bunt.

And how many lucky
hits did you have, Lou?

[Laughs]

Let me see. What was my
average? One out of three.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. I walked.

That doesn't count. One
out of two. One out of two.

Not bad.

Let me know the next
time either of you bats .400.

Mr. Grant, does this mean we may
have heard the end of softball for a while?

No, Mary, it does not mean that.

It means that we're gonna shake
this team up, have some practices,

challenge Channel 10 again
and b*at the daylights out of 'em.

Oh, Lou, you are so
adorable when you're childish.

Aw, come on.

I imagine, at your age,
everyone seems childish.

Must be my maternal instinct.

Right now, I have an overwhelming
urge to diaper your head.

Mr. Grant, the reason
I ask that question...

is that, if we could table
sports for just a while,

I would like to discuss
our resident critic.

Yeah, you're right.

We're gonna do
something about that jerk.

Well, now wait just a minute.

I will not have Karl Heller
called a jerk by anybody.

You may not agree
with the man's opinions,

but he is charming,
witty, intelligent...

Mary, I wondered, did you
have any plans for this evening?

And desperately hard up.

I've been given the
name of what is purported

to be the best French
restaurant in town.

I just wondered if you
care to dine with me tonight?

Well, I... [Lou] Uh...

Uh, uh, would you excuse
us for a minute, Karl?

Mary, can I see you for a moment?
Something important came up.

Just stay right there. We'll
be right back in a second.

It's really not important.
She'll be right back.

Mary, now I think
you'll agree with me...

that I seldom get
involved in your social life.

[Scoffing Laugh]
Are you kidding?

You constantly get
involved in my social life.

[Laughs] Right.

Okay. Mary, since I constantly
get involved in your social life,

I think you'll agree with me
that one more time won't hurt.

She'll be... She'll
be right out, Karl.

Now, somebody's got to talk to
Karl about toning down his reviews.

And nothing puts a guy
in a more receptive mood...

than good food, good wine,

and the company
of a beautiful woman.

Now, I am going to ask
you to go out with Karl...

for the good of the station
and everybody involved.

So, Mary, please,
for everybody's sake,

won't you go out with him?

Sure. I was gonna
say yes anyway.

Ready to taste the wine now,
sir? No, thank you, not yet.

I would like to give it
a little time to breathe.

I think it has breathed
sufficiently, sir.

I will be the judge of that.

As you wish.

The shrimp is
just delicious, Karl.

Is it fresh? It looks frozen.

Well, I don't know. It doesn't seem
to really matter though. It's very good.

But, Mary, it should be fresh.

It would be an outrage to serve
frozen shrimp at prices like these.

Let me try one.

Fresh. Very fresh.

Everything all right? Fresh.

Uh, fine. Thank you. It's fine.

I thought his manner was a
little perfunctory, didn't you?

Perhaps I should speak
with him. No, no, no, Karl.

Please, no. Everything
is just lovely. Really.

And thank you very
much for inviting me.

Mary, I have to
confess that I have a

weakness for the company
of beautiful women.

Well, thank you very much. I have very
high standards in women, as in everything.

Well, that's very nice...
Only the best will do.

Would you like some
wine? Yes, thank you.

Sommelier.

I will taste that now, please.

Actually, Karl, that's something
that I wanted to talk to you about.

I think your standards
are a little too high.

- How so?
- Well... [Clears Throat]

On the news, we are
supposed to appeal to the public,

not just to the
intellectual elite.

But you never seem to
praise or recommend anything.

You can be too
critical, you know.

You really think
so? Why, yes, I do.

Just being negative isn't
really being constructive.

But if you were to point out some
of the good things about our city...

and be encouraging
and supportive...

This won't do. I
beg your pardon?

This wine is bad.

It tastes fine to me, sir. Monsieur,
I do not care how it tastes to you.

Would you kindly
bring another bottle?

[Waiter] I'll speak
to the maître d'.

How dare they? How do they
have the gall to serve wine like that?

I don't know.

Karl, is it really important
enough to make such...

I tell you how they dare, Mary. The
public puts up with it. People are cattle.

They'll accept
anything. Well, I won't.

Something the matter
with the wine, sir?

Something the matter with
it? Yes, you might say that.

Karl, it really doesn't
matter. I don't want any wine.

Besides the fact that it has no
bouquet, no body, no character,

it is corked, cloudy, bitter,
overpriced and totally unacceptable.

Maybe that first swallow
just went down the wrong way.

I'm afraid my sommelier
doesn't agree with you.

I don't care whether your
sommelier agrees with me or not.

I am the customer,
and that wine is bad.

My shrimp was very
good though. Really fresh.

I know wine! And
this is an outrage!

Karl, please.

You charge $40 for a
bottle of wine that has turned.

And then you have the arrogance to
argue with me instead of apologizing.

You've just lost two
customers! [Whispers] Karl, no.

If you expect to
charge these prices,

then you better start treating the public
with courtesy instead of condescension,

or you won't have
any public left.

Come on, Mary.
Let's go. [Slaps Table]

[Patrons Applauding]

And next time, make
sure the shrimp is fresh.

Miss Larue later explained her
costume to Vice Squad officers...

by saying she was an
unemployed lion tamer.

Tonight, our critic-at-large turns
his attention to the TV scene. Karl.

Well, I wonder who Jack
the Ripper will att*ck tonight.

I think it is only fair that we
apply the same critical standards...

to television that we
do to anything else.

Very sound thinking.

Thank you.

I think our first task ought to
be to put our own house in order.

Just call 'em the way you see 'em, Karl.
Let the chippereenos fall where they may.

What you're watching
at this very moment...

is a classic example of what is
wrong with television in this town.

It is the pursuit of personality
at the expense of competence.

[Clears Throat] I'm
not sure I understand.

I'm sure you don't.

[Karl] Let's face it.

WJM is the biggest
offender in that regard...

From the dowdy frumpery of
the Happy Homemaker show...

to the bumbling, foot-in-the-mouth
delivery of a certain anchorman.

And backing them up right
down the line are dull writing,

inept staging and high-school
production methods.

Well, there you are.

The emperor has no clothes.

Tomorrow, we shall look at
some of the other stations in town...

and see if they fare any better.

Meanwhile, this is Karl Heller
saying let the viewer beware.

"High-school
production methods"?

"Dull writing." Boy, he
didn't miss anybody, did he?

Murray, be a good guy
and go buy me a g*n.

Mr. Grant.

Look, Lou, I don't like this any better
than you do, but we've gotta stay calm.

I'm calm. That's one of the
things the army taught me...

How to k*ll calmly.

"Bumbling"? You think that's a nice
thing to say about anybody? "Bumbling"?

My mother watches this show.

What's the matter with you?

If we dish it out, we
ought to be able to take it.

Okay, Karl, let's see
how you can take it.

Mr. Grant, please.
No, please. Don't.

Let... Let me handle this.

You... creep.

Who do you think you are?

What news show did you ever produce...
or anything else for that matter?

Mary, you don't have to be
a chicken to judge an egg.

Have you no sense of proportion?

Criticizing a multi-million-dollar
movie is one thing,

but to publicly att*ck the individual
workers at a tiny television station...

who are simply doing
the best job they can...

is nothing but sadistic
bullying by an arrogant snob!

Now hit him.

Lou, I'll flip you for it.

Come, come, gentlemen.
I'm not afraid of either of you.

- You're not?
- You wouldn't hit me, Lou,

because that would mean
that you can't take criticism.

And deep down, both of you
know that my criticism was just.

And in your business, you can't
att*ck old-fashioned honesty, can you?

So long as I deal in truths, no matter
how unpleasant, I have nothing to fear.

All right, Professor!

I have nothing to
fear from you either.

You're sensible,
rational people.

And sensible, rational people do
not throw either pies or punches...

at someone's face for simply
stating an honest opinion.

Only a fool would vent his
frustration in those ways.

[Laughing]

Well, he's fired.

How'd you work that? I didn't.

Apparently, the station manager
isn't that thrilled by honesty...

when it comes to his own shows.

You know, in a
way, it really isn't fair.

I know. I thought the
same thing myself.

I don't like what Karl said,
but the station manager did.

He wanted controversy.

He wanted him to att*ck things.

He wanted him to
say what he thought.

So, it was hypocritical
of him to fire him.

- Very hypocritical.
- Not right at all.

[Mews]