04x02 - Don't Tell Momma

[bunniefuu]

- Today, Al and l are talking about cranes.
- A subject near and dear to my heart.

- Al here is kind of a crane nut.
- Yes, Tim, l am.

As a matter of fact, after my stint in the
navy, l spent a year as a crane operator.

l've lifted some mighty heavy loads
in my day.

You make this so easy.

Even before that, as a youngster,
l used to build model cranes.

And l ended up
with quite an eclectic collection.

Marv, you wanna come in
and get a closer look at all this?

Now, l have to say
l'm especially proud of my first crane.

l spent the better part
of sixth grade crafting it.

lt's made entirely out of Popsicle sticks.

Enough said, Al. Anyway, tomorrow,
on a special live edition of Tool Time,

we're gonna watch the actual operation
of a -ton hydraulic truck crane.

Right. We're gonna teach you
the key of using a crane.

lt takes teamwork
and communication using hand signals.

Right. l can demonstrate that
using these models right here.

The crane operator
sits inside the cockpit here.

The signalman is over by the Porta Potti.
That'll be you. You go over there.

All right. Well, let's see just how well
nonverbal communication can work.

- (imitates engine)
- Tim?

- Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
- Tim. Tim.

What do you do when l do this?

You yell, ''Come on in.''

- No, that means to use the main hoist.
- Yeah, yeah.

All right, now,
what does it mean when l do this?

Let's party! Ow!

No!
lt means to hoist the main load.

Didn't you study the manual at all?

A real man doesn't need a manual.

All right. lf you're so smart, show me
the hand signals for swinging the crane.

Oh, hello, boom!

Sorry, Al.

Uh...

Well, l guess that's it
for the hand signals.

Actually, Tim, l do have another hand
signal for you, but it's not in the manual.

Aren't you gonna eat breakfast, Mom?

No, l have a test this week. When l have
a test, l get so anxious l lose my appetite.

- That stinks.
- No, it's great.

Going back to college
is like a built-in diet plan.

l could be a size six by midterms.

- See ya, Mom.
- Hold it. Up against the wall. Spread 'em.

Mom.

Just hand over the rubber band sh**t
now. l know you have them.

- Man.
- You too, baby face.

Hey. l'm not packing a piece, Mom.
l'm not.

l told you guys to stop making these.

We need 'em for protection
against Vinny McGurn.

Look, if you have trouble,
just tell the bus driver.

He's more afraid of him than we are.

Have a good day.

(Tim) There's mud
on your license plate holder.

(whines) Stay away from my car.

- And what's this weird mark on the door?
- What mark?

Looks like a scratch
someone tried to cover up.

Oh, that.

l got a little scratch on the car
and l touched it up.

- Touched it up with what?
- You know, touch-up stuff.

What kind of touch-up stuff?

Nail polish.

- Nail polish? You trying to k*ll me?
- Oh, come on, Tim.

lt matched perfectly.
Red Passion Delight.

What are you using for a dipstick?
Your lipstick?

Tim, it was just a teeny tiny scratch
on the bottom of the door.

Somebody nicked me
at the grocery store.

Didn't you park
where no one else could park next to you?

Row three, slot .

l am so sorry.
l lost that book you made me,

Guide to Parking Spaces
in Lower Michigan

- Where are your keys?
- What for?

After l do that Tool Time sh**t,
l'll take it to my body shop guy.

No. lt's my car.
l don't want you to take it.

Get your hands off my purse!

- Just use the Mustang.
- Tim, just leave it alone.

l'm fine with my car the way it is.
Mind your own business.

You know what's gonna happen.

That scratch is gonna rust.

That rust will cause corrosion,
which will eat away at the car,

which will, in turn,
eat away at me,

leaving me a sad,
pathetic, worthless man

who just sits around the house moaning,
''My car is wearing makeup.

''My car has got makeup.''

Just take the keys.

Oh, and while you're out,
pick me up some green eye shadow.

l noticed a nick on your lawn mower
and l wanna touch it up.

(Tim) She puts nail polish on a Nomad!
I've told her this is a classic car A classic!

Tim. Tim!

Where have you been? We go on air live
in two minutes. Come on!

l know.
l got in an argument with Jill.

She scratched the car
and tried to fix it herself.

Looks like a pretty good match.
What is that? Red Passion Delight?

Scotty, this is Tim.

- Scotty. He's our job site foreman.
- Good to meet you.

Glad to meet you.
l watch your show every day.

Good.
Do l get to run that baby?

No. Like l said,
l watch your show every day.

Al, it's a pleasure to have you here
as guest crane operator.

Thank you. l hope to make my former
colleagues in Local proud.

OK, guys, stand by. We're going live.
Here we go. ln five, four, three...

Hi, and welcome
to a special live edition of Tool Time

Today, we're gonna show you the
operation of a -ton hydraulic truck crane.

(grunts)

That's right. We're gonna be using this
crane to pick up and set a three-ton beam

which will be used as a diagonal brace,
also known as a kicker.

So you could call this
a kicker picker-upper.

l don't think so, Tim. Why don't l hop in
the cab? We'll get things started.

Before you do, let me show our viewers
some of the controls.

- Tim, maybe l should be... Tim!
- Hold on a minute.

Marv, as long as you're up here, let's get
a look at the controls. Let me show you.

This lever here swings the entire crane
back and forth. Right, Al?

That's right, Tim, but don't touch it.
Get out of the cab and l will raise the beam.

Well, since l'm in here, l can't think of
any reason why l shouldn't raise the beam.

l can think of about .

- This is the lever to raise the beam, right?
- Yes, but don't... No, Tim!

l'm doing it.
l got it! l got it!

l'm beaming up, Scotty.

- OK, Al, now what?
- OK, hit the foot brake.

Lock the beam in place.
Right now.

OK. Now, get out of the cab.

Tim's getting out of the cab, and l'm going
to move the beam right into place.

As you go out, be careful.
Don't hit the brake release.

OK. This is the lever
that would swing the beam?

Yes, it is,
but, Tim... Tim!

- Al, are you all right?
- (Al) Marv, look out!

Tim, your foot!
Don't hit the brake release!

What?

(# taps)

Hi, guys.
ls your mom home?

Yeah. She's upstairs studying.

Do you think
she saw Tool Time today?

- (Randy) No, l don't think so.
- Great.

But we did.

Hey, don't worry, Dad.
Mom's always wanted a compact car.

You guys didn't tell her, did you?

No. We thought it'd be more fun
to watch you tell her.

You might have to wait
'cause l'm not gonna tell her for a while.

l don't know. Mom's pretty smart.
As the weeks go by,

she's gonna notice
she doesn't have a car.

When she does,
you'll have to tell her you totaled it.

No, no, no. lt's a classic.
You don't really total a classic.

l can rebuild it
from the existing parts.

Until l figure out how long that's gonna
take me, l don't think we should tell Mom.

OK. Then we also don't have to tell her
that we got kicked off the bus today.

Wait a minute. Wait! Whoa, whoa! What
do you mean, you got kicked off the bus?

Well, let's just say
there was an unfortunate incident

involving some glue
and Vinny McGurn's butt cr*ck.

As of three o'clock,
he's closed for business.

Guys, as much as l appreciate
a practical joke,

and this was a good one,

this has been bothering your mom and l.
l gotta tell her about this.

OK. Then we have to tell her
what we saw on Tool Time

l'm not making a deal here.

Well, here comes Mom.

You...

Deal.

Oh, hi.
Did you take my car to the body shop?

Yes, l did.

Well, how does it look?

Well, l'll tell you what,
can't even notice the scratch.

Good.
l'll be glad to have it home again.

lt's gonna take a little longer
than l thought.

Oh, no. You're not gonna have 'em do
a bunch of other stuff to it, are you?

No. We're just fixing
what's wrong with it.

When you get it back,
it'll be like a whole new car.

Oh, l didn't get to see your
location Tool Time, though. How'd it go?

- Great. Tremendous.
- Smashing.

(loud rock music plays)

Hey, guys, turn it down!

- Turn it down!
- Huh?

Have you seen my abnormal psychology
book? l need it for my test. l can't find it.

Huh. Don't try telling the teacher that.
Believe me, it never works.

l had it at school
at the library on Monday.

l brought it home.

Oh, no!
lt's gotta be in the car.

- The station wagon?
- Yeah. l'm gonna go to the body shop.

- Mom! Don't do that!
- No, don't do that, Mom!

l don't think the book
is in the station wagon. l saw Mark with it.

What would Mark be doing
with my abnormal psychology book?

Maybe trying to figure out
what's wrong with him.

Mark, have you seen my psych book?

(Mark) Yeah.
l saw it in the station wagon.

Just stay here, lock the doors,
and be nice to Mark.

Mom, seriously, it's not...

- Oh, hi. Can l help you?
- Oh, yeah. l'm Jill Taylor.

My husband brought my station wagon
here. l need to get a book out of it.

Oh, yes.

We'll be putting in
a lot of overtime on your job.

Overtime? For that little thing?

Boy, l'd like to know
what you'd consider a big thing.

Oh, please.
l've done way more damage than that.

Really?

Let me give you one of my cards. And
please, you feel free to call me anytime.

Well, after we finish with this bodywork, l
don't think l'm gonna be needing any more.

- How long do you think it's gonna be?
- Best-case scenario?

A year.

- A year?
- Hey, we're really busy.

No, look, l think there's been some kind of
mistake. My car is the red Chevy Nomad.

No mistake.

This makes no sense.
Look, can l just see my car?

Of course. Sure.
lt's right through here.

(Jill gasps)

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

My car! My car!

Ah, you know, l have some good news.

l think l see your book down there.

Yeah. lt's wedged.
lt's like, well, under the dashboard.

Eddie, Eddie. The kids called to say
my wife is looking for a book she lost.

- l gotta get it out of the car.
- Well...

l got no time. lf she sees the car,
she's gonna k*ll me. l gotta get that book.

You mean this book?

Look, she's here.
Hi.

How did you do this to my car?

You said she did it.

- That's not what l said.
- Oh, yes, you did.

Don't you remember? You said she parked
it under a crane and a -ton beam fell on it.

You're k*lling me here, Eddie.

Oh, sure. l get it. Everybody
always blames the body shop guy. Right.

Next he'll be telling her
l dropped the beam on it.

OK, let me get this straight.

First, you give me a hard time because
l get a little teeny scratch on the door,

then you let somebody
drop a building on it.

Not only do you not tell me
about any of this,

but you tell other people
that it was my fault.

lt could've been your fault.

What?

Maybe that scratch
weakened the entire structure of this car.

- That is such a crock.
- Look, this could've happened to anybody.

Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane.

And what kind of a crane operator
drops a three-ton beam anyway?

You know, we should just sue that jerk
for all he's worth.

Oh, we don't wanna do that.

- Why not?
- You married him.

Oh, no.

You did this?
You mean we've gotta pay for this?

l'm sure we got some
beam-droppage thing in our insurance.

Tim, why couldn't you
just leave my car alone?

Why do you have to obsess about
a stupid little scratch? This is just a car.

lt's a hunk of metal
used to haul kids to soccer practice.

This is not a hunk of metal!

This used to be a classic.

lt looks like a giant hot dog bun.

(howling)

(warbling)

(Wilson continuing strange noises)

Wilson?
Swallow a pigeon?

No, Tim. l'm ululating.

l didn't know men could do that.

No, no, no, Tim. Ululating is a Middle
Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow.

- What are you expressing now?
- Sorrow, because l can't ululate.

You want sorrow?
l'll give it to you.

Jill's car had an unfortunate accident.

Really?
What happened?

Let's just say it involves
a three-ton beam, a crane, and me.

Say no more.

lt started with such a simple idea.
l wanted to fix this little scratch in her car.

Bada-boom, bing, things dropping. Now
she's calling me... She says l'm obsessive.

Well, were you obsessive?

She doesn't know what it takes
to make a great finish on a car.

Two or three coats of acrylic lacquer.
Color sanding between each coat.

Two coats of base clear on there. hours
of sanding. Air-dry for a couple of weeks.

You pound it down with wax
bring out the shine, you buff it out.

Baby, you can see yourself in that thing.

Tim, do you know
what ''obsessive'' means?

l just wanted her paint to be perfect,
and there's nothing wrong with that.

What's wrong is Jill's inside, not talking
to you, and you're out here talking to me.

(grunts) Yeah, that is a little problem, yes.

Tim, there's an old folk saying,
''Obsessions are like fire and water -

''good servants, but bad masters.''

The point is, do you rule your obsession,
or does your obsession rule you?

Between you and me, l don't think she
knows how deep my love affair with cars is.

What do you mean?

When we were dating,
we'd go to the drive-in

and she thought
we were going there to make out.

Actually, l was going there
to check out the other cars.

That would get me excited,
then we'd make out.

Tim, l'm gonna keep this under my hat.

Hi.

How's your studying going?

Fine. Except l have a test in three days
and a book that l can see through.

Maybe it'll be an open-book test.

Ha ha ha.

l know l get crazy about cars, you know.
My car, your car, anybody's car.

But it's...
lt's like Bat Masterson said.

You can't get obsessed the way old people
drive through water if servants are on fire.

No, l guess you can't.

You know what we should do?
Buy you a new car.

- A new car?
- Yeah.

Anything you want.
l promise you won't hear a peep out of me.

Even if l want
a boring station wagon with no options?

- Peep peep.
- That's what l thought.

No, l would rather just wait
for the Nomad to be fixed.

l thought it was just a hunk of metal
that you didn't like.

l didn't mean it when l said that.
l was upset.

Actually, l love the Nomad.

l like it when l pull up to stoplights
and those car guys are there.

They always rev their engine.

Then l rev my engine,

- and waste 'em off the line.
- (grunts)

Lenny, l've got the insurance policy
right in front of me.

No, l'm sure there's gotta be a clause here
covering beam droppage or something.

Go back to that section...
What is it? ... B.

Yeah, all right.
The soup-up clause.

The part that covers me for personal injury
due to personal negligence.

Keep looking. Dropping a beam on a car's
gotta be in there.

And if by some chance it's not,
you should put it in,

'cause you never know
when something like that could happen.

You saw the show.

lt doesn't matter if l've got the Nomad
or a new car, you're gonna be on my case.

No, l won't.
Even if you park a new car under...

Even if you do something as crazy
as park a new car under a tree

filled with just-fed pig-pigeon...

(g*nsh*t sound eect)