04x04 - The Eyes Don't Have It

[bunniefuu]

And so, in conclusion,
l'd like to emphasize once again...

Thank you, Heidi.

...that if your home is lightly trafficked,

you can't go wrong
with a Saxony plush carpet.

As you can see, it's very luxurious,
and has a nice nap.

l think the audience
just had a nice nap.

l think not. Choosing a carpet
is a very important decision.

lt's something you live with
and walk on for years.

So are you, Al.

On the other hand,

if your carpet is heavily trafficked,
well, you can't go wrong with a nice Berber.

And here we have a lovely example.
A nice wheat-colored Berber.

And Berber's nice 'cause you don't
have to cut it. You just go to a Berber shop.

- Are you through joking around?
- Yes.

l was just trying to stay awake
till we get to the good part. The tools.

Al, tell us about the tools.

These are the tools of the trade
when putting in carpet.

What we have here is a porcupine roller,
duckbill shears...

What?
Are you laying carpet at the zoo?

Yes, l'm carpeting the zoo.

As a matter of fact, l'm thinking of putting in
walrus-to-walrus carpeting.

Well, all that carpet humor aside,
what we have here is a porcupine roller...

Yeah, yeah. These tools are fine
if you're laying a small piece of carpet,

but what if we want
to carpet a larger area?

- And that would be?
- The Silverdome.

How long would it take to lay
Astroturf using these wimpy tools?

You wouldn't get past
the ten-yard line.

Porcupine roller.
This wouldn't do diddly for a large area.

What we need
is a ''more power'' porcupine.

Heidi, my ''more power'' porcupine, please.

Oh! Oh!

Here you go, Tim.

- Thank you, Heidi.
- You're welcome.

There is no such thing
as a gas-powered porcupine!

lt all depends on what it had to eat.

(engine starts)

Watch how beautifully this seams
our lovely wheat-colored Berber.

Well, way to go, Tim.
And what would you call that?

Shredded Wheat Berber.

(Mark) l don't think
we should be steaming open the letter.

My teacher said
to give it to Mom and Dad.

- We're doing this for you, dork.
- lf you don't know what the teacher said,

then you don't know
what lie to tell to Mom and Dad.

l don't have to lie.
l didn't do anything.

Right, Mark. Teachers always
send home notes like that.

''Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, Mark didn't do
anything. Just wanted to try the new pen.''

Hey, guys, how many times have we
told you about steaming open letters?

lf you're gonna do it, use the teapot here.
Much more steam comes out of this thing.

That's good, Tim. Why don't you
teach 'em next time how to pick a lock?

You think they're ready?

Let me guess - a note from school.
Which one of you is it this time?

- Not me.
- Not me.

lt's me.

(both) You?

Your first letter from a teacher.
All right!

You're a man.

You're in big trouble,
but you're a man.

- Mark, what's going on?
- Nothing.

Well, then, why does your teacher
want to meet with us?

- l don't know. l didn't do anything.
- Mark...

l use that line on your mom all the time.
lt hardly ever works.

lt never works.

- Tell us what's going on.
- Nothing. lt's nothing.

So what do you think the problem is?

He does well in school,
maybe the teacher doesn't like him.

How could she not like him?
Mark is adorable.

Oh, come on. ln fourth grade
l was adorable. My teacher hated me.

Fifth grade teacher didn't like me. Sixth
grade teacher had something out for me.

Seventh grade was a nightmare.

Tim, are you noticing a pattern here?

l had a string of bad teachers.

- Where's the electric can opener?
- Tim.

Oh, yes. horse, whoa!

We never did find that thing, did we?

l guess we'll find out what's going on with
Mark when we meet the teacher tomorrow.

- What time's that?
- Three o'clock.

l can't do three o'clock. l got Tool Time
till : . Push it back to : .

No, can't do that.
l got a class at : .

Can you leave there at :
and make it there by : ?

No, not if l'm taking Randy
to football practice at : .

Brad's got saxophone at four.
And isn't Mark's distemper sh*t tomorrow?

- Flu sh*t.
- Whatever.

l forgot about that.
OK, OK, OK.

How about this? l will meet Mark's teacher
at three and find out what's going on.

Since l'll be near here,
l'll pick up Brad and Randy.

Drop Randy at football practice at : ,

Brad at the saxophone lesson at :
on the way to my : class.

You take Mark to the doctor
at four o'clock. Oh.

And make sure
that she checks that right ear.

l think he's got
that waxy buildup thing happening again.

He might have to have it irrigated.
After the doctor,

double back to the football field,
pick up Randy, come home, make dinner.

These should be ready about five o'clock.
l'll pick up Brad on my way home.

We should get there by six.
ls that good?

Yeah.

- One more time from the top?
- Oh!

Linoleum was invented in

by Frederick Walton of England.

Now, he discovered that linseed oil,
when left out in the open air,

became kind of a rubberylike substance,
very suitable for floor coverings.

Now, because linseed oil
is from the flax plant,

Mr. Walton decided
to call his product ''linoleum.''

From the Latin words linum for ''flax,''
and oleum for ''oil.''

He also went on to invent
a straight-line inlay machine,

so he was able to produce his linoleum
in various patterns.

Well!

That's all for our history on linoleum,

unless you'd have something
you'd like to add... Tim?

All right!
Well, please join us tomorrow

when we're back here
with the much-anticipated climax,

''Floor Coverings of the Future,'' or:

''The Vinyl Frontier.''

(theme music and applause)

- Wake up, wake up, wake up.
- l'm awake, l'm awake.

Great show, Al.
Really learned a lot.

Thank you. At least someone appreciates
the work l put into this linoleum show.

- l really do.
- Well, what was your favorite part?

Yes, Miss Keppert,
what was your favorite part?

Well, l found
every part equally fascinating.

- (Tim scos)
- Really?

Why don't we go have some lunch? l'll fill
you in on my lecture tomorrow on vinyl.

- Oh, OK.
- Which is Latin for ''snooze.''

Mark, we're leaving for the doctor
in five minutes.

Dad, don't forget to pick me up
right after football practice.

Beth's coming over to study,
l need time to shower.

You don't need to bother with a shower.
Do what l do.

- lt fools your mom, drives her wild.
- Cool. What is it?

Wear an auto freshener
around your neck.

Pine scent.
Rugged outdoorsy stuff. Women love it.

Well, if it doesn't get me girls,
it'll definitely get me squirrels.

Mark! Would you go get him?

- Hi.
- (Tim) Hi.

Brad, where are you? You got
your saxophone lesson. Randy, come on.

- How'd the meeting with the teacher go?
- She was very nice.

And very concerned about Mark. She said
lately he's been inattentive and withdrawn.

That's better than
loud and obnoxious like l was.

l don't get it. He's always loved school.
Brad? Randy?

Mark?
What does she think the problem is?

She doesn't know. She asked me if there
was anything unusual going on at home.

Do you think he's upset
about me going to school?

- Maybe he feels abandoned.
- You didn't abandon him.

l'm not as available as l used to be.
l have all these late classes.

- Library, studying...
- l don't think that's it.

Mark likes you out of the house.
We all do.

What l mean is that we're very happy
that you're pursuing your dream. Mark?

Brad, Randy, hurry up.
l'm gonna be late for class.

- So you don't think that l'm the problem?
- No.

Then it must be you.

l am not the one
that abandoned my child.

- That's what you think?
- No.

l knew l shouldn't go back to class
until they were .

Honey, honey, l was kidding.
lt was a joke, OK?

l'll talk to him
and l'll find out what's the matter. Guys?

Where's Mark?

Still trying to figure out
which sock goes on which foot.

Come on. Hey, pine! You smell
just like your dad. Beth's gonna love that.

(knock on door)

Come on,
we're gonna be late for the doctor.

Dad, l don't want to get a flu sh*t.

The doctor's office is a lot of fun.
You can play with the blocks.

Dad, only babies play with blocks.

Don't you call me a baby.
Come on. Come on, come on!

l'm trying to get this knot out.
Brad and Randy tied my shoes together.

And a fine job they did.

Oh, boy.

Your mom talked to your teacher. She says
you're not paying attention like you used to.

l'm paying attention.

- ls schoolwork getting too hard for you?
- No.

- Too easy?
- No.

- ls it about Mom going back to school?
- No.

- ls that kid in front bugging you again?
- No.

- Kid behind you?
- No.

Are you worried
about male pattern baldness?

Dad, will you stop asking me
a million questions?

- Nothing's going on.
- Stop, right now.

We are not leaving
till you tell me what's going on.

- Great. Then l don't have to get a flu sh*t.
- Wrong-o.

You're not missing it. And l'm
not missing playing with those blocks.

Maybe the doctor can find out. He'll have to
turn your little head and make you cough.

Forget about it, Brad.
You're not gonna get your own phone.

lt's not for me.
You see, Mom, l want this for you.

Explain to me
how you getting a phone benefits me.

Well, you know how
l'm always tying up the phone line?

Then you get upset and yell at me,
and then you feel bad about it?

Well, if l had my own phone,
you wouldn't suffer like that.

l'm touched by
your thoughtfulness, Brad,

but, actually, l don't mind yelling at you,
l find it's a good release for me.

Oh, hi, hi.
How did it go at the doctor's?

lt was a real drag.

Bunch of four-year-olds
were hogging all the blocks.

l mean with Mark.
Did he get his flu sh*t?

Was l right? Was it the ear?
Did he have that waxy buildup stuff in it?

No wax. Actually,
a small bird had made a nest in there.

Did you ask him
what's bothering him?

Yes. What's bothering him
is people asking him what's bothering him.

That's all you got? Did you ask him
about me going back to school?

- He's all right with that. l got no answers.
- Well, how did you ask him?

Were you sensitive?
Did you make him feel comfortable?

Oh, yes, he was quite comfortable. l served
hors d'oeuvres, made a perfect Rob Roy.

Rubbed his neck a bit, gave him a foot
massage. Yes, he was quite comfortable.

l'm serious.

How you approach Mark makes a big
difference. You can't joke around with him.

- l should talk to him.
- There's nothing you'd say that l didn't.

Well, there are certain things
that mothers are just better at.

l'm good at talking to my boys.
l might be better than you.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

No matter what stupid thing they've done,
they know l've done something stupider.

Well, can't argue with that.

l'm saying there's a very special bond
between fathers and sons.

There's a special bond
between mothers and son.

lt's a little thing
called the umbilical cord.

Hello? He's nine.
He's cordless now.

l resent you thinking
you're a better parent than l am.

- l did not say that.
- That's what it sounded like.

(doorbell)

l spend a lot more time
with my boys than most parents.

l'm caring, l'm understanding,
and l'm responsible.

- Hi, Beth.
- Hi. l'm here to see Randy.

Randy? Honey, did you pick Randy up
from football practice?

No. His caring, sensitive, responsible
father was supposed to do that.

Oh, yeah. l'm on my way.

l think Tim and Randy'll be back soon.

l hope so.

- So, how's school?
- OK.

Did Randy tell you
that l'm going back to school?

Oh, yeah.
And we both think it's really weird.

Well, aren't you an honest little thing?

Maybe you'd feel more comfortable

waiting for Randy in his room
until we call you for dinner.

- All right, thanks.
- Good. OK.

Oh, Mark, hi.
How are you doing?

Fine.

Um, l have some cookies.
Would you like some?

OK.

l feel really bad.
l've been so busy lately,

we haven't been able to have
our customary chats. How you doing?

Fine.

Um, l talked to your teacher
and she's kinda concerned about you.

She thinks that maybe
you're having a hard time with something.

- l'm not. Dad already asked me.
- Yeah, l know.

l just thought that you might
feel more comfortable talking to me.

Nope.

Oh, come on, honey.

You know that you always feel better
when you tell me what's wrong.

Nothing's wrong.
Man, you're worse than Dad.

Do the words ''umbilical cord''
mean anything to you?

- Hey, Brad?
- Yeah?

- Can l ask you something?
- What?

How do you get moved from the back
of the class to the front of the class?

Why would you want
to go to the front?

l don't know if you've noticed,
but that's where the teacher is.

l need to sit in the front.

Aw, sh**t!

Why?

- Promise not to tell Mom and Dad?
- Promise.

- l can't see the board from the back.
- So? What's the big deal?

l'll have to get glasses.

Hi-de-ho, Taylor lads.

- Brad, l believe this is yours.
- Oh, thanks, Wilson.

Wilson, did you hear
what we were saying?

Just the part about not seeing the board
and needing glasses.

You're not gonna
tell my parents, are you?

Mark, that isn't my place.
But l hope that you will.

l can't. They'll make me get glasses,
and l'll look like a dork.

Mark, might l remind you
that Benjamin Franklin,

Sigmund Freud, Mahatma Gandhi
all wore glasses?

And l don't think that anyone
would consider them dorks.

l would.

l don't want to look like a dork.

Well, may l suggest an alternative solution
that will help improve your eyesight?

Here's a trick l picked up
from a Russian ophthalmologist

l met at a caviar-tasting festival.

Take a piece of paper
and you make a tiny, tiny, tiny little hole,

then you hold it up to your eye,

and it will correct your myopia
by allowing the eye to refocus light

upon a mosaic
of photosensitive receptors.

What?

lt'll help you see better.

- Wow! lt really works.
- Uh-huh.

And if you use two,

it's twice as effective.

This is great!
l'll never have to wear glasses.

And l won't look like a dork.

Mark, Mark, buddy.

Just tell me one thing.
What do l look like?

A dork.

Mom?

Oh, honey. l've been thinking.
l shouldn't be putting pressure on you.

lf you want to talk, l'm always here to listen,
but if you don't, l'm fine with that too.

- l want to talk.
- Good. Sit down. Pour your little heart out.

l can't see the board at school.

l think l need glasses.

ls that what's bothering you?
That's not so bad.

- lt's bad to me.
- Honey, lots of kids wear glasses.

You don't understand.
Some of the kids already think l'm a dork.

lf l get glasses, all of them will.

- Nobody thinks you're a dork.
- Then why do they call me ''dork''?

Well, because
some kids are just mean.

They think by calling you names
that makes them cool.

Let me tell you what real cool is.

Real cool is
feeling good about yourself

and not worrying
about what other people think.

What do you mean?

Well, let's use your father
as an example.

Your father does some things
that some people might consider dorky.

Like the time
that he froze his tongue to the hammer,

or the time
that he glued his head to the table.

But it doesn't bother him.

- You know why?
- Why?

Because he feels good
about who he is.

And you should feel good
about who you are.

- l should?
- Yeah. You are a great kid.

You are so smart,
and you're fun to be with.

- And you care about other people, right?
- Right.

Look, tomorrow, we'll go
and we'll get your eyes checked,

and if you need glasses, we'll just make
sure that you get some really cool frames.

- Think l'd look good in aviator glasses?
- Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

l'd fly anywhere with you.

- Thanks, Mom.
- Honey.

lt makes me feel so good
that we still have our special bond.

You know, that you feel comfortable
coming to me when you need to talk.

Well, you were the only one home.

They just pulled up. When Mark comes in
with the glasses, no comments.

No ''four-eyes,''
no ''goggle-face,'' nothing.

Oh, ''goggle-face.''
l've never heard of that one.

And you call yourself a Taylor.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, Mark.
- Well, how'd it go at the optometrist?

Oh, it was fine.
His eyes aren't that bad.

The doctor said that all he needs them for
is seeing the blackboard,

watching movies and driving.

Let's see 'em.

Aah!

- They look good.
- Yeah, they're pretty cool.

- Yeah, they're really nice.
- Thanks.

And if anybody calls you a dork, they're
gonna have to answer to us, all right?

That's right. We're the only ones
who are allowed to call you a dork.

l don't care what they call me. Mom says
Dad's a dork and he feels good about it.

Heh.

You called me a dork?

(whispers) l was trying
to build up his self-esteem.

(whispers) What about my self-esteem?

There's nothing you'd say that l didn't.

Well, there are certain things
that mothers are just better at.

l'm pretty dosh-garned good
at calking to my... to-to...

We're gonna be late for the doctor.

l don't want to get a flu sh*t.

The doctor sh... (stutters)