04x12 - Twas the Night Before Chaos

[bunniefuu]

Merry Christmas.
lt's Yule time here on Tool Time

Merry Christmas. You know, Christmas
always reminds me of my childhood.

l used to build a snowman every year.

l used a carrot for its nose,
cookies for its eyes, licorice for its smile.

Ah, that's a great story, Al. Unfortunately,
Al's mom usually ate the snowman.

One year.

She used the carrot
to make coleslaw.

Today's Tool Time
isn't about a plaid lad's Christmas.

Today's Tool Time
is about a man's Christmas.

And nothing says Christmas to a man
like a block of ice and a Binford chainsaw.

That's right.
And today's special Tool Time guest

uses a chainsaw
to make beautiful ice sculptures.

That's right.
Our guest, Chas Jensen,

is here for the Plymouth
lnternational lce Sculpting Spectacular.

So let's give him a warm... Wait.
Let's give him a cool Tool Time welcome -

Chas Jensen!

- Welcome to Tool Time
- Thank you, Tim.

- Chas.
- Thank you, Al.

Now, rumor has it
that you can actually make

a Christmas tree out of
this block of ice in seconds.

- l can. Would you like me to demonstrate?
- We didn't invite you on the show to sing.

OK.

(applause)

You know, that is fabulous.

However, the presents you put under it
should be waterproof.

Oh, no.
lt's the Christmas lighting contest again.

l hope you're not gonna go overboard.
We could try a little subtlety for a change.

Got it covered.

Oh, Tim!

- They were all out of the big ones.
- Right.

- Hey, no running in the house.
- Mom, l have to go to the bathroom!

Hey, hurry up, Mark, get outta there.
l gotta go really bad.

- Why don't you use your bathroom?
- l can't.

Aunt Nancy's in there
giving the babies a bath.

- Use ours.
- Uncle Marty's in there,

and he took five magazines with him.

Go get some of those stick matches.
Whoo!

l'm out.

(Jill) Tim?

Will you please
set the highchair up for lunch?

l'll just eat at the counter.

Oh, it's so great
to have babies in the house again.

Yeah. There's nothing like a little
projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays.

Oh, come on.

Gosh, l think this is going to be
the perfect Christmas.

You're not kidding. l think this year, my
decorations are gonna b*at Doc Johnson.

No. l was referring to your brother's family
being here, and my parents coming.

Don't set yourself up.
Every year your parents come,

you end up locked in your bedroom going,
''Why did l even invite them?''

Know what present l'd like your dad to give
me? Call me ''Tim'' instead of ''Hey, you.''

lf you heard what he called you behind
your back, you'd be happy with ''Hey, you.''

- (doorbell)
- Oh, they're here.

Mom, it's so wonderful to see you!

lt's amazing you're seeing us at all.

Your father didn't use the turn signal once,
all the way from Texas.

- Hello, dear. Hello, Tim.
- Hi, Lillian.

l didn't use the signal because
there was no one behind me, Lillian.

Then what was that truck
that almost sideswiped us?

He had no business being on
the interstate, big truck like that.

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hey, you.

- Grandpa, Grandma!
- Here come the crew!

- Hello! Give me some sugar.
- Grandma.

All right, men.
Here's your mission.

There is a vehicle in the driveway
that needs unloading.

Dismissed.

- lt's packed to the ceiling with presents.
- Charge!

Your father piled the presents up
so high in the back seat,

he couldn't even see out the window.

Don't blame me.

l wanted to put the presents in
the front seat and you in the back.

That would have certainly
made things more pleasant for me.

Oh, it's gonna be a perfect Christmas.

- Would anybody like some eggnog?
- Oh, no. Your father can't eat eggs.

l can eat eggs.
l just don't know what the hell ''nog'' is.

Oh, look! You remember Tim's brother,
Marty, and his wife, Nancy.

And this is Claire,
and l think that's Gracie.

Oh, aren't they little angels?

Yeah, take a good look.
They're clean.

We're clean.
lt only happens once a day.

lf you're thinking about a career,
think army.

All he ever talks about
is the army, the army, the army.

- You'd think he'd never retired.
- Never should have.

After spending two days in a car with you,
the Korean w*r was a picnic.

Well, l really enjoyed
my two days riding with you.

Of course, l could've had more scintillating
conversation with a crash dummy.

- You calling me a dummy?
- Would you please just stop...

- Jill?
- ...standing there,

so we can talk about Christmas lights?

Tim is entering a contest.
Tell them, honey.

l'm entering a contest.

Get down here. Let's see what Grandma
and Grandpa got us for Christmas.

- Hear anything good?
- No, l don't hear anything.

(both) Clothes.

Oh, there they go.

Don't stay out too long.
When you get back,

you can help me put the icing
on my famous sticky buns.

All right, Grandma.

Now, don't worry, Jill. You can
go back on your diet after Christmas.

l'm not on a diet, Mom.

Oh! Oh, oh, well.

Then you don't have to worry at all.

So, are you and Dad OK
in Brad's room?

Oh, as OK as we are anywhere else.

You have no idea
what your father's like these days.

Right. l'll grease those baking pans...

Ever since he retired,
he just sits like a lump in his den,

and watches the same old w*r movie
over and over and over.

- Margarine or butter?
- Patton

He's seen it so many times, l know
everything that George S. Patton ever said.

''OK, men. We're going through those
enemy lines like crap through a goose.''

- Well, about these sticky buns...
- And l can't get him to do anything.

l thought we'd get to travel,
and go to ltaly,

do all the things we never had time to do
when he was working.

Just when l thought we'd be getting closer
together we seem to be growing apart.

Mom, don't you think you ought
to talk to Dad about this, not me?

Well, it's no use.
He's established a stronghold in that den.

l'd have to put a grenade under his
Barcalounger to get him out of there.

(Colonel shouts) Lillian!
Where'd you put my tape of Patton?

l want to show it to the boys.

l threw it out of the window in St. Louis.

lf you're serious,
we're going back to get it!

All right, all right. l'll find it.

Tim, Tim, wait a second.
l want to talk to you.

Not now.
l gotta go light up a camel.

l talked with my mother.
She's upset with Dad.

l know l said l wouldn't get involved, but l
think l have to say something to my father.

Before you do, let me say something.
Don't say something.

This is not their usual bickering.
lt seems like they're really unhappy.

Well, of course they are.
They've been married years!

(martial music and g*nf*re on TV)

Look, girls.
There's General George S. Patton.

He was the most powerful
m*llitary leader in the world.

Phew! Speaking of powerful.

l think one of those babies
just dropped a b*mb.

There they are.

Oh, they were crying,
so l decided to calm 'em down

by letting 'em watch
Patton's invasion of North Africa.

At home, we just put them to sleep
with old tapes of Tool Time

Whoa! Somebody's
stinking up the joint over here.

Randy!

Boys? Boys, would you go upstairs for
a while? l want to talk to Grandpa alone.

We're right in the middle of Patton

Well, go upstairs and ask your grandma
to act out the rest of it for you.

Hey, Brad,
will you take Claire up to Nancy? Here.

Bye-bye.

What are you doing?
l was watching my favorite movie.

l hear that's what you spend most of your
time doing now, watching old w*r movies.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Your mother been talking to you?

Dad, it's not uncommon when a man
retires to go through something like this.

Something like what?

Well, l think that you're experiencing
a little bout of depression.

You know, this is just like you.

The second we walk through the door,
you stick your nose in our business.

Now wait a second.
l've been trying to stay out of this.

The second you walked in,
you started arguing.

That's not true.
We started arguing in Texas!

Well, it's , miles.
You could have finished by Missouri.

Doc Johnson's amazing.
l swear his Santa looks real.

Just put the binoculars down. Give me
a hand with the Virgin Mary, will you?

l'm sorry, Marty.
Are you all right?

l don't know. l'm still numb
from when you beaned me with the pig.

Tim, can you come down here?
l need to talk to you.

- Can't it wait?
- No.

Aw! Marty, l'll be right back.

l really blew it this time.

l tried to talk to Dad about Mom
and now he is really mad at me.

We decided that
you weren't gonna get involved.

Young lady? Could l see you for a minute,
please? l am so mad at you.

- Great. Now they're both mad at me.
- Congratulations! Two for two.

Did you tell your father
that l said he was depressing?

l didn't say he was depressing.
l said he was depressed.

He said that you said
that l said he was depressing.

No, no. l said that he was exhibiting
all the classic signs of depression.

l don't think that
one semester of psychology

qualifies you to diagnose retired colonels.

l was just trying
to help you get through to him.

l don't need help
to get through to my husband.

Then why did you come to me
complaining about him?

l was just letting off steam.
lf you hadn't opened your mouth,

your father and l could have just been mad
at each other and had a lovely Christmas.

- Band-Aids?
- Um, upstairs, top three drawers.

- Which room?
- Every room.

Tim? Can you come down here?
l have to talk to you.

- Again?
- Yeah.

Oh, come on.

- OK, what did you do now?
- Hi-de-ho, neighbors.

Never mind.
l'll talk to Wilson instead.

l'm gonna install an escalator.

Wilson, l'm really having a problem.

Oh. Experiencing
a little seasonal stress, Jill?

My dad is having trouble adjusting
to retirement, it's driving my mother crazy,

so l tried to help,
and now they're mad at me.

Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

You got caught in the middle. That is
a familial landmine, and a Noel no-no.

Yeah.

Course, Tim told me
not to get involved...

Yes, l did.

But is it really so bad
for me to try to help my parents?

- Yes, it was.
- Shut up, Tim!

Well, Jill,
when parents are having problems,

it's natural for a child,
regardless of age, to want to help.

Did you hear that, Tim?

But it's natural for parents
to not want their children's help.

You hear that, Jill?

Wilson, what are you saying? What
am l supposed to do about my parents?

Well, l can tell you what they do
in the Nuer tribe in Africa.

They bring in a wise member of the tribe,
usually an older Nuer,

who counsels the disputing parties
and helps resolve their differences.

So what l need
is an objective third party?

- Exactly.
- Wilson, please!

No, Jill. l would love to,
but l'm going to a Filipino Christmas party.

- Well, when are you gonna be back?
- Couple of weeks. lt's in the Philippines.

Man! Well, there goes my fantasy
of a perfect Christmas.

Thanks anyway, Wilson.
Have a nice trip.

How about you, Tim? You would qualify
as an objective third party.

Forget about it. l'm the kind of guy
that likes to stand his ground.

Whoa-oa-oa-oa!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

- You all right?
- Oh, yeah. Oh...

Yeah, l just was tired
of using that ladder.

So, what did you get me
for Christmas?

Why?

'Cause l want to know
if l got you the same thing you got me.

l didn't get you anything.

Same thing l got you.

Those sticky buns
are for breakfast tomorrow.

You guys aren't sneaking any, are you?

No.

Why not?
Nobody's looking.

- Hey, Colonel.
- Hey, you.

- What are you doing?
- l'm watching Patton

How about pausing it and helping me
string these lights up on the roof there?

l have no interest in your battle
with an -year-old proctologist.

Yeah, you're right.
Guy's probably gonna win anyway.

You know how tough
those old navy guys are.

- Did you say ''navy''?
- (grunting) Yes, l did.

No way we're gonna
let a navy guy b*at us.

All right. With your help,
l think we can b*at the old doctor.

- Now, let me see the enemy.
- Watch your step.

Across the street there, red brick,
white trim. He's walking on the roof there.

He's got so many things up there,
l can't see which one is Doc Johnson.

He's the one wearing the rubber gloves.

All right, we got a lot of work to do.

Hand me the sheep,
you plug in the pig.

There you go.

Colonel,
it's great to have you on my team.

lt's great to be back in action again.

From what Jill says,
you haven't been too active lately, though.

Yeah, here we go.
Now there's another monkey in the middle.

l'm not a monkey in the middle.

l'm an objective third party,
like the African Manure tribe.

What the hell are you talking about?

Jill says you've been spending a lot of time
in the den, and Lillian's not happy about it.

Lillian doesn't understand
how my life has changed.

l used to command , troops,
who worshipped the ground l walked on.

Now l spend all my time with one woman
who vacuums the ground l walk on.

You're retired from the army,
not from life.

- l'm not retiring from life.
- You're retreating from your marriage.

An army man never retreats.

What are you doing
in the den all the time?

l'm watching the story
of the greatest m*llitary hero of all time.

How many scenes in that film

do you see Patton in his den,
sitting on his butt, looking for his remote?

Lillian?
What are you doing up at hours?

Well, l've been up all night.

Who could sleep
with the two of you stomping on the roof?

Oh, it was worth it. We're gonna surprise
the hell out of that navy butt doctor.

Well, you must be exhausted.
You never came to bed.

l was so excited,
l didn't think about the time.

Did think of some other stuff, though.

Like getting off my butt
and out of the den.

Where you gonna go?
The living room?

No.

l realize l haven't been much fun
to live with since l retired.

What would you think
about doing a little traveling?

Maybe going to ltaly.

Well, l've always wanted to go to ltaly.
Especially Venice.

Well, l'd like to take you.

- Oh, you would, huh?
- Yeah. We could...

We could, you know, see the sights.
Eat some pasta.

Maybe go on a gondola ride.

l thought you hated boats.

- A gondola's a boat?
- Oh, Fred!

Merry Christmas.

l don't know what happened last night,

but when we get back home, maybe
you'd better spend more time on the roof.

Jill? What are you doing there?

Have you been eavesdropping on us?

- No, l'm sleepwalking.
- You make coffee when you sleepwalk?

Yes. That way it's ready
when l wake up.

Oh, we should have some of these.

Who got into my sticky buns?
They're half gone.

The boys must have.

Those little scamps.

Daddy, l'm so happy. Looks like we're
gonna have that perfect Christmas after all.

- You bet.
- l didn't think you were listening to me,

but it seems like
some of what l said sunk in.

lt wasn't you.
lt was ''Hey, you.''

Tim?

You know, if you listen to what
he has to say, he's not such an idiot.

(Tim yelling) Whoa! Help me out!

Colonel! Colonel!

l need a little help out here.
Colonel!

Come on, they're coming.
The judges are ready to look at the house.

Let's go see it.

All l'm missing
is a real baby for the manger.

- He wouldn't really.
- He would, but we're not gonna let him.

lt's not like you don't have one to spare.

- (Lillian) You spent all night on this?
- (Jill) Well, l don't even see a manger.

They didn't see the Allies coming into
Normandy either. And you know why?

- (Lillian) Why?
- Camouflage!

Watch.

(Jill) Beautiful!

But you know what?
l still don't see a manger.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

(Jill) Wow! Oh, that is so cool!

Look, it just raises up right out of...

- Tim, did you make a hole in our roof?
- Oh, yeah.

Just a little one. l'll repair it to...

- Tomorrow...
- Oh, no!

Uh-oh.

Well, you know, l always wondered
what l would look like frozen.

Just look in the mirror, Al.

His belt's a little wide. Let me
take a little bit off that waist for you.

Tim, do not touch frozen Al.

l know what l'm doing, Al.

Oh, great!
Now you've taken a chunk out of frozen Al.

Sorry. Don't worry about it, buddy.