04x16 - Bachelor of the Year

[bunniefuu]

- OK. OK.
- The show is over and it's still smoking.

- l did this for a reason.
- That would be?

Now the crowd knows what happens
when you overcharge a battery.

lt swells up and does this.

- Hey. You seen this month's Detroit Life?
- Not yet.

Guess who's one of
the sexiest ten bachelors in the city.

- Someone we know?
- Someone on the show.

l bet it's Marv.
l've always found Marv attractive.

Marv's OK, but he's no Vic.

lt's not Marv or Vic.
lt's Al.

- (Tim) Who?
- (Al) What?

- Congratulations, Al.
- Thank you.

l must say l'm... l'm very flattered.

l must say l'm very frightened.

''What woman wouldn't wanna cuddle up
with Detroit's rugged Mr. Fix-lt,

''Al Borland?''

''Along with his trademark humility,

''Al displays a quiet competence
and an understated sense of humor.''

So understated, no one gets it.

- Obviously someone did.
- Huh?

''His big, beaming smile
matches his big, beaming behind.''

- lt doesn't say that!
- Well, it should.

- Well, wait a minute. You're in here.
- What's it say?

''As usual, the Borland charm
is a much-needed antidote

''to the overblown macho displays
of the accident-prone host Tim Taylor.''

Accident-prone!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

All right, give me another problem.

OK. ''Bill's car goes miles per hour.
Mary's car goes miles per hour.

''How long will it take
for each of them to go miles?''

All right.
What size motors do they have?

What?

- ls it a*t*matic or manual transmission?
- Dad!

The answer is Bill, three hours,
Mary, two.

Thanks.

l shouldn't be helping you
with your math homework.

You're not.

What's your English assignment?

Well, l have to do a report
on the most interesting person l know.

(sighs)

l was born in middle Michigan.

- lt was an autumn birth. A breech baby...
- Dad. Dad.

l'm not sure you're
the most interesting person l know.

l'm not sure he's the most interesting
person in this room.

- Maybe l'll do Wilson.
- Wilson?

Wilson? What interesting thing
is he gonna tell you?

- Well, how about his dinner with Einstein?
- Wow! He had dinner with Einstein?

Really overrated guy.

lf he knew so much about gravity,
how come his hair stood up like that?

You should write the story about me.

l think l'll stick with Wilson.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Mom.

Hey, Brad. Who's the most
interesting man that you know?

Wilson.

Did you see this magazine? Al was voted
one of the ten sexiest bachelors in Detroit.

Which explains why all the single women
l saw were heading towards Cleveland.

l can see how some women
would find Al sexy.

l guess if you never saw
another man before.

You just don't get it. Sexiness
is something that comes from the inside.

lt's something that you exude.

lt's my opinion that anything Al exudes
should stay on the inside.

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor. Whoo!

Thank you, everybody,
and welcome to Tool Time

l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.
You all know my assistant Al ''l Wish l...''

(cheering)

Well, l guess we all read the article,
didn't we?

l love you, Al.

Thank you.

lt's nice to have you ladies in the audience.
We're talking about French doors today.

- We wanna talk about Al.
- Yeah.

Actually, Al and French doors
share something in common.

They're both things l like to slam.

The thing about putting in doors is
you want to secure 'em, straighten 'em,

plumb 'em,
and make sure that they're straight.

Could you move
so we could get a better view of Al?

- ls this better?
- Well, now l can't see.

Ladies, this is a tool show, OK?
All right?

We're gonna use shims here,
as he hammers...

Excuse me.
Could l ask a question?

Oh, gosh darn it, why not?

Has Al ever been married?

lf we're gonna ask questions,
they should be about French doors.

Would Al be more likely
to marry someone who had French doors?

Actually, l'm partial to women
with all sorts of doors.

Dutch doors, sliding glass doors...

Keep going.
Any other kind of doors?

No.

What kind of windows
does Al like in a woman?

Actually, l'm partial to bay or louvered.

Or broken.

And l would like to thank Jill
for introducing me to llene.

And, llene,
here's to another great months.

lt's been the happiest
months of my life.

That is so romantic.

Sure is. l want pork.

Hi. l'm Shelly,
and l'll be your waitress this evening.

l'm single, l want a relationship,
and l like long walks on the beach.

l'm starving, l want pork,
and l'd like a glass of water.

We have some lovely appetizers
this evening.

May l recommend the raw oysters?

- Are they fresh?
- l shucked them myself.

- Sounds great. l'll have that.
- l'll have the... Shelly, we're hungry too.

She just took one of her long walks.

(imitating Shelly)
''l shucked them myself.''

Everywhere we go, the women
have been flocking to his flannel.

There is nothing worse in this world
than a flagrant flannel flocker.

Excuse me. l don't mean to interrupt,
but, Mr. Borland, l just have to tell you

you're even more handsome
than you were in the magazine.

- Can l have your autograph?
- Please, call me Al.

l'm such a fan of your show.

Oh, that's very gratifying to hear.
Tim and l always try to do our best.

Who's Tim?

- Oh.
- Bye.

Uh, excuse me, miss.
You forgot something.

She didn't forget anything, Al.
She just gave you her phone number.

Can you believe that woman?
She could see you were with him.

Going for Al,
maybe she can't see.

Anyway, llene, tell us what's going on
in the fast-paced world of orthodontia.

Oh, it's very exciting. l just got back
from a symposium on overbites,

and the most interesting thing happened.

What are you doing, Al?

Waving.

l'm in the middle of a story.

Well, l was just being polite.

l feel l have a responsibility
to my public.

Your public?
A few days ago you didn't have a public.

Well, yes, l did.
They just didn't know who l was.

You know, the way you're acting
l'm not sure l know who you are.

Well, l'm still
the same old Al Borland.

Hey.

- Excuse me. l'm going to the ladies' room.
- llene, l... l didn't...

- l think, um, l'll go with you.
- l'm right behind you, girls.

l suppose l can hold it.

What is llene so upset about?

When you're out with llene,

next time you wave at a strange woman
you'd better be riding in a float in a parade.

Well, it's not my fault that... that all
these women are paying attention to me.

- You're a real babe magnet right now.
- l wouldn't go that far.

(woman) Hello.

Hello, l'm Al Magnet. l-l mean, Al...
Al Borland, and it's very nice to meet you.

- Christine Dempsey.
- Christine.

Sorry to bother you,
but, um, l've broken my heel,

and l read about
how good you are with your hands.

You know, l have a tool kit
for just such an emergency.

He also has an emergency inflatable raft
in case the kitchen floods.

You know, the kitchen... kitchen?

Oh, boy.

You have a very lovely foot.

A very lovely knee.

And a heck of a thigh.

l wouldn't go any higher, Al.

Your hands are so warm.

Well, l've always had
very good circulation.

You're about ready
to be put out of circulation, Al.

Al!

l-l'm sorry, um...

Uh, Christine.

llene, Christine.
Christine, llene.

- llene is my friend.
- Your friend? l'm your friend?

- My good friend.
- Girlfriend.

Girlfriend. That's the word
l was... l was looking for.

What is happening to you? You were
flirting with all these other women.

- lt's like l don't even exist.
- llene, that's not true! lt's...

Oh... Excuse me, please.

Hi, Al.

Sir?

Need more butter.

Well... l think that
they're talking out there.

l cannot believe he acted that way.
He flirted with every woman here.

- Those women were coming on to him.
- He's like a different person.

Good. Usually he's out clog dancing with
his mother. He's acting like a normal guy.

You think it's normal to ignore a woman
on your -month anniversary?

l don't think it's normal
to celebrate a -month anniversary.

Give the guy a break.
He's just living out every guy's fantasy.

- Excuse me? Every guy's fantasy?
- Every guy's fanta... Single guys.

You know, married guys don't have
fantasies. They're taken away from them.

lt's a good thing,

'cause then you get to... you know,

give all your attention to your wife,
year after year.

You know, month in, month out,
day after day until you're dead.

You've just swept me off my feet
all over again.

- Where's Al?
- He left.

Oh!

Wait. Shelly, we could use the...

You're k*lling your tip, Shel.

- lf you're not gonna finish any of that...
- Tim! Sorry.

Well, llene just refused to talk to me.
She got in the cab and left.

Well, l don't blame her.
Now, get in your car and go after her.

- l'm not sure l wanna do that.
- You didn't do anything wrong.

- No, l didn't.
- That's not what you think, is it, Tim?

lt's not?

No.

What do you think?

l don't know. Ask her.

He thinks that ever since you read
that magazine article

that you've lost that...
that teddy-bear quality we all love.

He still has that. lt's just every girl
wants to squeeze the stuffing out of him.

That's right. Everywhere...

Tim,

you should tell him if he keeps
behaving like this he'll lose llene,

the best thing that ever happened to him.

- The only thing that ever happened to him.
- That's not true.

Would you please be serious
and talk some sense into him?

You want me to tell him that being wanted
by every girl in Detroit is bad?

- Yes.
- And do that with a straight face?

Yes.

Al...

l can't say that.
l can't do it.

You're gonna sit there
and not say anything?

l'll say something.

Al, call the waitress.

Tell her we want pork.

(long. low music note)

- What are you doing, Wilson?
- Randy, l'm making an alpenhorn.

You see, in Switzerland
they use these to herd sheep.

- Are you getting a sheep?
- l'm playing it in the alpenhorn quintet,

and you boys are welcome to be my guests
at the annual horn and yodel fest.

Sounds like a rockin' good time, but
l'm going to that clarinet and noodle fest.

- Hey, Wilson, can l talk to you?
- Well, yes. l'm all ears, Mark.

l have this report due
on the most interesting person l know,

and l picked you.

- Why, Mark, l am so flattered.
- Did you really know Einstein?

l not only knew him,
l had dinner with the great scientist.

- Wow.
- Oh, yes, indeed.

Over appetizers he regaled me
with his theory of relativity,

and then when the main course came,
he spoke of other great theories.

Mark, are you familiar with photons?

Sure. l slept on one
at my friend Jimmy's house.

l think you're speaking of futons.

See, according to Einstein, light consists
of energy packets called quanta,

which later became known as photons.

Well, that's great, Wilson. But can you tell
me something about him that's interesting?

You know, Mark, l'm thinking
physics may not be your cup of tea.

- Mark, what are you interested in?
- Lots of things - cars, tools, sports.

Hey, guys.

You know, Mark, l may not be the person
you want to speak to about this.

Gotcha, Wilson.

Hey, Dad. Have you ever had dinner
with any interesting people?

You bet.
Felix Myman, the great plumber.

See, Mark? That's a lot more interesting
than Einstein and his theory of relativity.

Felix had a theory called ''clogativity.''
lt has to do with toilet paper and toilets.

Cool!

lt's a smelly theory,
but it's really kinda neat.

He came up with this thing - with enough
air pressure you could shatter porcelain...

- Tim.
- Where have you been?

- Guess what happened when l got home.
- Al, you're an hour late.

Well, l had a lot of calls to return
from my admirers.

lt's a good thing
l got this cellular phone.

Cellular phone, Al?

That's right. Oh, and listen,
if anybody asks, here's my number.

- OK, l'll drop it off at the pound.
- (laughs) Good one.

Anyway, when l get home, in the parking
garage two women are waiting for me.

Twins.

Maybe they needed
a place to park, Al.

Well, they wanted
to park Al, all right!

Those women really wanted to get
their hands on ''Detroit's rugged Mr. Fix-lt.''

And who could blame them?

- Can you hand me that sledgehammer?
- Why?

See if l can pound your head
back to the normal size.

l'm telling you, they really wanted
to get ahold of me.

- Part of me wanted to get ahold of them.
- Borland!

What would you do if you were single and
these women were paying you attention?

- l'll tell you what l'd do.
- Uh-huh.

- Twins?
- (laughs)

That's right. lt's becoming clear
that it's a big world out there,

and l shouldn't
limit myself to just llene.

- l hate to admit it, but l think Jill's right.
- About what?

Before llene came along, your black book
consisted of one number - your mom's.

Well, that's all changed now.

- Why? Because of one magazine article?
- No.

Did you notice they put
one zero extra on your salary?

They d...

You carry it around with you?

Oh, man!

So this is why
everybody was paying attention to me?

- No, that's not the only reason.
- Yes. Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

They picked you as most eligible bachelor
for a lot of reasons. That's just a typo.

You are a good hard-working guy.
You're ha-handsome in a way, you know.

- Hey, if l were a woman, l...
- Tim.

Yeah, you're right.

The point is there's a woman
that's always found you sexy,

and she didn't have to read it
in a magazine.

Yeah. And llene was the first one to
recognize my understated sense of humor.

Bingo.

Tim, do you mind
setting up by yourself?

Al, l am setting up by myself.

l gotta talk to llene.
l... l've really made a mistake.

Did you get any pictures
of those twins?

- Hi.
- ls llene here?

She's tightening some braces.

l'll wait.

See you next week, Tiffany.
Bye-bye.

- Al!
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

l came to apologize for last night.

You're my girlfriend,

and l never wanted
to do anything to make you upset.

Come on, Tiffany.

l know that l've really been
full of myself lately.

Yes, you have.

And it's just that nothing like this has even
remotely ever happened to me before. l...

l mean, it's... l've never been popular like
this, and l just didn't know how to handle it.

So what are you saying, Al?

Well, l'm saying that...

Detroit's... sexiest bachelor...

would really like to be with
Detroit's sexiest orthodontist.

Oh, Al.

(phone rings)

He's unavailable.

Oh, hi, Tim. Hold on.

- lt's for you.
- l told you never to call me here.

l always wanted to say that.

(Tim whistles) Al

Al? Could we? Al

Al

- l'll be right there.
- Al! Al

Tim needs me.

(mouths)

The teacher gave me a tough one today.
lt's about money.

- Hm. What's the problem?
- All right.

''Sam has $ .
Billy has nothing.''

Wait, wait, wait. Should use real money.
Eight bucks?

Yeah.

Four, five, six... cool.
All right, go ahead.

- All right.
- l'll be Sam. You be Billy.

That's $ .
One, two, three, four.

- Thanks, Sam.
- All right.

- That's two out of the four.
- OK. One, two.

- That's pretty simple. OK.
- All right.

All right.

- ''...how much does Sam have?''
- Nothing.

Exactly. Thanks, Sam.

Sam wasn't a real bright guy, was he?

l'm partial to women with all kinds of doors.

Dutch doors, sliding glass doors...

Well, l think we've...

- Garage doors. Back doors.
- Garage doors. Back doors.

Let's finish...

- Side doors...
- Side doors. Good.

Well, actually l like bay or louvered.