04x23 - Tool Time After Dark: Parts 2

[bunniefuu]

lt's springtime on Tool Time
You know what that means?

Yes, l do, Tim. lt means you're
having me clean your patio furniture again.

Boy, it's a mess this year.

There are simple solutions
for taking paint and rust off.

Although one solution would be
not to leave your furniture out all winter.

Then we wouldn't have any rust, wouldn't
have a show and you wouldn't have what?

A very small paycheck.

The first step in restoring it is to take off
as much surface rust as possible.

That's right. You can do that
with a wire brush, with a sanding cord,

or steel wool,
which l prefer.

lt's slow,
but it's very cost-efficient.

l hate the word ''slow.''

That's why l just chuck an abrasive wheel
onto my drill and let her fly.

Of course, you always want to
check the chuck before you turn it on.

Let's just chuck the chuck, OK?

Move on to a more powerful method -
the Binford series orbital sander.

- (motor whirs)
- Oh!

lt's great for the large areas -

the back of the chair,
the bottom of the chair, or the bottom of Al.

All right. Another method of rust removal
would be to dissolve it with naval jelly.

You got jelly coming out of your navel,
you got bigger problems than a rusty chair.

l got a method that'll outshine your
wire brushes, flosses, ointments, salves.

Heidi, my hot-air g*n, please.

- Here you go, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.

A hot-air g*n does not remove rust,
it removes paint.

This one does both.
l made a few adjustments.

This'll take the paint off a battleship.

Something a lot of our viewers
have on their patio.

Just back off.

- Maybe they use battleships, Al.
- l know.

Huh?

No rust. No paint.

No chair.

- (Tim) All right. Bolts off?
- (Brad) Mine's rusted on.

We need the pneumatic wrench.
Or l'll get a hot-air g*n.

(all) Oh, no. No way!

Just making sure
you guys still watch Tool Time.

Guess what?
My sister Carrie is coming to visit.

(all) Oh, no.

Come on. Carrie's fun. She always brings
you nice gifts from someplace exotic.

Oh, yeah. Last year she brought us
knee-socks and lederhosen.

Hey! l liked the lederhosen.

Now all you need
is some pantyhosen.

Tim, do you have to groan
every time Carrie's coming to town?

Yes. Because l know what will happen.
She'll make some remarks.

You'll think she's criticizing you.
You'll get upset and end up criticizing me.

l don't need my sister
to come to town to criticize you.

Besides, l love Carrie.
l'm just not gonna let her push my buttons.

l've heard this. The same thing you said
when your sister Robin came for Easter,

when your parents came for Christmas
and weird Aunt Betty for Thanksgiving.

Your point would be what?

You have a problem
with relatives or holidays.

Carrie and l are gonna be just fine.
l haven't seen her in so long.

l'm looking forward to Saturday.

Saturday? Perfect.
l won't be here all day.

l'm helping Marty and Nancy
move into their new house.

That's happening Saturday? You can't
leave me with Carrie. She drives me crazy.

- Your sister is a freelance photographer?
- She travels all over the world.

She knows how to tell people
to ''say cheese'' in languages.

- She sounds like a real cheese whiz.
- (baby cries)

Oh, we'll be right back.

She is amazing.
This job that she has just fell into her lap.

She's one of those people who's always
in the right place at the right time.

lf she were to lose her balance
stepping off a curb,

Robert Redford would be there to help her.
That actually happened. Really.

- So are you and your sister close?
- Yeah. We get along really well.

Sometimes. Sort of.

Not really.

She just drives me crazy.

My sister and l used to drive each other
crazy too, but we worked it out.

- What did you do?
- We stopped talking to each other.

l really envy Marty and Tim.
They're so close.

- You idiot! You big idiot!
- Stop calling me an idiot, will you, please?

lf you'd stop acting like an idiot,
l'd stop calling you an idiot.

- Big fat idiot.
- l heard that.

All right, guys. Come in this way.
Watch the door.

- What's going on here?
- Why are the moving men here?

l had a guy to refinish
our floors, right?

Tim said he had a better guy.
He's a bigger idiot than Tim.

No one's a bigger idiot than me.

The floors aren't gonna be dry for two days
and they gotta unload the truck.

- Here? ln the house?
- Yeah, 'cause of my brother.

The idiot?

Marty, l was just trying to help.

lf you wanna help, just butt out of my life,
will you, you big butthead?

Hi hi! Guess who's here
and can stay a week.

- A week?
- Oh, Jill. You look great.

So wholesome,
like an ad for oatmeal.

Nobody can pull off that suburban
housewife look like my big sis.

- Tim, a whole week.
- Timmy!

Come on over here
and give me a big wet one.

- l don't think you've met my wife.
- l don't think l've met you.

Actually, you have.
A couple... eight, nine times.

Marty and Nancy. And these are
their twins, Claire and Gracie.

Oh! Brothers, babies, boxes.

l love this.

lt is so nice to know
that there are still people like my sister

leading their simple little lives
in their cute little houses,

making delicious little meals.

l hate her little comments.

She's not talking about you. lt must be
another sister. She said ''delicious meals.''

- Say cheese.
- Cheese.

Oh, perfect. You know, l brought those
to you all the way from Thailand.

You put them on your fingers and you do
the traditional Thai dance - the Fon Leb.

We are a Fon Leb-bing bunch of guys.

Hey, Mark, come on! Let's see
what you look like in your present.

l really don't know about this.

We do.

Oh, it looks darling on you,
sweetheart.

lf l were you,
l'd go change, sweetheart.

- Cute robe, Mark.
- Yeah, right.

So did the boys like their presents?

Oh, yeah, they love them.
l hope Tim likes his kimono.

Well, l guarantee he'll like it
as much as that kilt you gave him last year.

Do you have to
photograph me folding socks?

Jill, l'm a photographer. l love
taking pictures of people in their element.

Folding socks is my element?

No. l mean you're taking care
of your family. That's terrific.

ln fact, l'm thinking maybe one day
l'd like a family to take care of.

Really? l've never heard you
talk like that before.

Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons
l came to visit.

l wanted to take
a close-up look at marriage,

see what it's like, day in, day out,
make sure it's not too mundane for me.

Oh. So this is like you're visiting a museum
and l'm the boring-sister exhibit.

Oh, no. l just wanna see
how you put up with your life.

- l don't put up with my life. l like my life.
- Of course you do.

You know, l've gone back to school,
l have great kids.

Well... A great marriage.

Oh, yeah. l know.
Tim is great.

l could see myself
with a guy like him.

On the other hand,
l just wanna make sure l don't settle.

- Like l did for Tim?
- No, l didn't say that.

Well, that's what you implied.

Right after you told me
my life was mundane.

- You are being very self-centered.
- Me, self-centered?

Yes. We're supposed
to be talking about me.

You know, l happen to be at a crossroads
here and l try to talk to you about it.

And all you can do is yell at me
and fold your stupid socks.

Well, you act like
all my life is is socks.

Hey, honey.
Got any clean socks?

All right.

Tim, you took a big step today admitting
that you were wrong about the floor guy.

Putting me in a headlock didn't hurt.

Nancy wanted me to resolve my fight
with you by talking about my feelings.

l really appreciate
that you didn't go that way.

- Marty, l can't find Farmer Fred.
- Who's Farmer Fred?

This stuffed toy we use
to get the kids to fall asleep.

Yeah, you know, you pull his pitchfork,
he makes barnyard sounds.

''Moo'' goes the cow
and ''quack, quack, quack'' goes the duck...

Marty, l got the idea.

- You remember where you packed him?
- Sure. Go ahead. l'll bring him right on up.

Thanks.

(snickers)

- You have no idea where you put him.
- No.

Do me a favor, will you? You look out here.
l'll check the boxes in the garage.

My sister is impossible.
She's been following me all day,

snapping pictures and making
condescending remarks about my life.

But the thing that
really made me mad...

She says the reason
she's staying a whole week

is so she can observe
how miserable our lives are.

lt won't take a week.

You think our lives are miserable?

Of course not. l'm joking.
l'm trying to cheer you up.

Well, l'm upset.
lt's no time to cheer me up.

Got it. l'll wait till you're in a good mood,
then l'll try to cheer you up.

l don't know why l talk to you.
Couldn't you be supportive?

All right, all right. l know it's horrible
having a sister like Carrie.

From the moment l met her,
l realized she's an obnoxious woman.

Why are you attacking my sister?

l thought that's what we were doing.

l can trash her
because l'm doing it out of love.

Besides, she does have
a few good points.

First time l met her, she was delightful.
She's attractive, fun, the kids love her.

- She's got a good job.
- Please don't go that far.

From now on, you tell me how far
you want me to go and l'll go there.

(Thai music)

- Wilson, what are you doing?
- Well, hi-de-ho, neighborette.

See, l am dancing the Fon Leb.

Your boys gave me these nails as a gift.
They are so thoughtful.

- Did they also give you some litchi nuts?
- Yes, indeedy.

l even nibbled on some while l was
trying on the kimono that Tim gave me.

My family always believed it's better to give
than keep anything my sister gave them.

- So the gifts came from Carrie?
- Mm-hm.

She is such an interesting woman.

Could l talk to Wilson? l got
a couple of minutes before l go to work.

- You'll have to wait.
- l can't wait.

l'm sorry, we only have one Wilson
and l'm using him.

You know, neighbors, l am a friend.
l'm not a rest room.

Sorry, Wilson. Tim, l know you wanna talk
to Wilson about me, but l was here first.

Well, hurry up.
l don't know how long l can hold it.

So Jill, what did you
want to talk about?

Carrie.

You know, when we were kids
we were so close.

We shared a room,
we told each other everything.

- Now we get together, all we do is fight.
- Why do you think that is?

l don't know. Ever since high school,
we've been going in different directions.

Well, sometimes it is difficult
to find a way back to each other.

Maybe l just need to face the fact
that we're never gonna be close again.

Well, Jill,
l wouldn't give up hope just yet.

l'm reminded of the th century
English poet, Christina Rossetti,

who wrote, ''There is no friend like a sister
in calm or stormy weather.

''To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray.''

Wait, which one of us
is going astray?

Well, if you lose the relationship,
maybe both of you.

Just great.
Look at the time.

Now it's off to work l go
without my ''hi-de-ho.''

Welcome back to ''Spring Spruce Up
Week'' for your backyard.

We'll show you how
to maintain your wooden deck.

- lt's a heck of a deck.
- This deck is a wreck.

- Really? Let's check.
- Marv, if you wanna come on in here.

As you see, we have a sagging beam
that needs to be reinforced.

Now, the best way to do that is to sister
a matching beam right next to it.

Wait a minute. What is it with women
and their sisters fighting?

Why can't they fight like men?

- What does this have to do with decks?
- Follow me on this.

When two brothers are fighting,
one gets decked, fight's over.

l believe you're making
a gross generalization.

My brother and l have never resorted
to v*olence to resolve an argument.

Come on. There was never a punch
thrown between little Cal and little Al?

No. We always settled our differences
with compromise and a nice cup of tea.

- Get real.
- You wanna ask him? He's backstage.

- Your brother's here?
- Yes, he is.

- He flew in for Mother's birthday.
- (applause)

Thank you.

l'll relay your well wishes to her when we
take her out for her birthday smorgasbord.

Good luck getting her attention.

Well... l think the audience would like
to meet Al's brother. Wouldn't you?

Yeah!

All right.
Let's give a big, warm Tool Time welcome

for Cal ''He's gotta be
better-looking than Al'' Borland.

(applause)

l don't see any
family resemblance, do you?

Well, actually, l take after Father
and Cal looks like Mother.

And a fine-looking woman she is.

Come on, Cal. You wanna tell us
about growing up with Al?

l don't think so, Tim.

He's got that Borland humor.

Yeah, the kind that isn't funny.

lt's hard to believe that all through your
childhood you never punched each other.

That's right.
l never felt the need to fight Al.

As l said, we always resolved
our differences with a nice cup of tea.

What are you - the Queen Mother?

No. But nothing like a cup of Earl Grey
to soothe sibling rivalry.

Of course,
l would have preferred chamomile.

Chamomile?
You never said anything.

Well, you never asked.

Cal, l can't believe this.

You hold back on your tea preferences and
then blurt it out on my television show?

Your television show?

For another thing, l'm getting sick and tired
of you always flaunting your success.

You're just jealous
because l have a prestigious career

and you're just a lowly physicist!

Boys, television show.
Live audience.

(uacking sounds)

Are you still playing with those ducks?
You're supposed to look for Farmer Fred.

They're helping me.

Come on, fellas.

- Where are you going?
- Oh, Jill, listen.

Something came up and l have to leave.
Thank you for everything.

Leave? You said you'd stay a week.
What came up?

Uh... An assignment.
lt's far away. l have to fly there.

Please don't go.

l know we got mad this afternoon,
but couldn't you just stay and talk?

l don't think that's a great idea. Every time
l open my mouth, l seem to upset you.

Well, not every time.

l was OK when you came in
and said hello.

Tim.

l love this thing.
lt always surprises me.

Look, l didn't mean
to make you feel bad.

l think it's great
that you're happy being like Mom.

Oh, please.
Don't use the M word.

Just because you jet around
and you have this glamorous life

and l'm, well, a wife and a mother,
why does that make me like Mom?

Well, why do you assume
l have such a glamorous life?

l mean, l spend half my time
trying to figure out what time zone l'm in.

l've lived in my apartment for five years
and l still haven't unpacked.

Do you have any idea what it's like
to live surrounded by boxes?

l gotta admit it.

l've been really jealous of you.

lt was hard for me
when you would call me and tell me

you were photographing Mick Jagger
under a waterfall in Tahiti.

l dreaded when you'd say, ''What are you
up to?'' and l talked about diaper rash.

Yeah, l dreaded that moment too.

Maybe one of the reasons l've been
oversensitive about your comments

is because you've
got to do those exciting things.

But look what you've got. Great kids,
a great husband, it's a perfect life.

Well, it's not a perfect life.

Hey, girls, remember these?

l rest my case.

Look, Jill, l guarantee you
your life is more satisfying than my life.

Well, what's wrong with your life?

l'm just not as happy
as l used to be.

Maybe l need a new career.
Maybe a husband.

Maybe l should just go
spend some time with the Dalai Lama,

who, by the way, hates it when you
walk up to him and go, ''Hello, Dalai.''

You know... Whatever it is
you're looking for, l'm sure you'll find it.

How can you be so sure?

You fell off a curb
and Robert Redford caught you.

Well, that's true.
Which reminds me...

Bob left a message on my machine
the other week and l never called him back.

Bob? l hate you so much.

Look, if you really
wanna make some changes in your life,

you're just gonna have to slow down
and think about what you want.

And...

if you wanna talk to me,

l would love it if you would call me.
l'm here.

Thank you.

l cannot find Farmer Fred,

but l did find something my parents
put in my crib to put me to sleep.

Baby's first ratchet.

(# ''Sisters and Brothers''
by Lawrence and Hart)

# Sisters and brothers.
brothers and sisters

# Ain't we. everyone

# Brothers and sisters.
sisters and brothers

# very father's daughter.
every mother's son

# Brothers and sisters.
sisters and brothers

# ach and every one

# Sisters and brothers.
brothers and sisters

# very mother's daughter.
every father's son

- lt's springtime. Know what that means?
- Yes, l do, Tim.

lt means you're making me
clean your patio furniture again.

And boy, is it a mess.

There's a... There's simple...
Oh, son of a...

All right!