03x21 - Guest for Breakfast

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

I just happened upon this
abandoned breakfast table.

It was set for two persons
and is complete,

down to the morning paper,
which was lying on the floor.

With, incidentally,

a b*llet hole through it.

It looks as though someone's husband
missed the : this morning.

In fact, he may have
missed it for good,

for the b*llet seems
to have struck him

between the society section
and the want ads.

While you are watching tonight's show,
"Guest for Breakfast,"

I think I shall help myself
to some toast.

First, however, let us pause

for the unseemly sight
of a man toast to himself.

Your breakfast is ready.

Yes, I know.

I heard the charming clicking
of all the little push buttons.

You know, my dear,
you don't prepare a breakfast,

you launch it
like a guided m*ssile.

Interesting comparison.

I wonder where I could
get a warhead.

Oh, no, I've already
taken the precaution

of leaving a letter to be
opened by the police.

Quite unnecessary.

I'd insist on taking
the credit for it.

Out of common decency,

I shall refrain from commenting
on the coffee.

If you had an ounce of decency,
you'd have replaced me a year ago.

With a robot?

Yes. It could perform
all your functions.

If that's a subtle way of throwing
Sylvia Lester in my teeth,

I'm already well aware
of her function in your life.

Yes, well, someone had to fill it.
I abhor a vacuum.

A perfect description
of Sylvia.

Now, you're leading
from weakness, my dear.

Sylvia is a success,
both as a writer and a woman.

But not in that order.

Otherwise you would never
have published her books.

Well, you're rather
a classic figure, yourself,

a sort of Galatia in reverse.

When I fell in love with you,
you were a lovely woman.

And you've turned
into an ivory statue.

Oh, stop flexing your brain cells,
Jordan. It no longer impresses me.

Give me that.
This is the way a marriage should end.

Not with a laugh,
but a sneer.

I don't mind telling you that
famous dry wit you're so proud of

gets soggier every year.

That's probably the neighbors,
complaining about the noise.

Your noise!

Yes?

If you're a salesman,
I'm sorry...

Just a minute.

Close the door.

I'll do nothing...
Close the door I said!

Is there anybody else here?

Yes. It so happens my husband is.
If you don't...

Who else?

No one.

Any kids?

No. No kids.

You got a maid?

We do for ourselves
in the country.

You sure?

Why should I lie about it?

Lady, now I've been
on the run all night.

It's gotten down to where
I either get caught or I don't.

It's a pretty thin difference.
Either way, I ain't got much to lose.

You have.

So you better remember that.

Now where's your husband?

He's in the kitchen.

Well, show me.

Well now, this is a highly
interesting development.

And after all those stones
you were throwing at me.

Tell me.

Are you ahead of schedule
or is my watch slow?

Jordan, please.

You must forgive my wife.

She always forgets her manners
in a time of crisis.

I'm the husband, Mr...

What is this?
What are you...

Well, perhaps
you'd like a cup of coffee.

At your peril, of course.

Jordan, for heaven's sake.

But you probably have
already learned

that dear Eve's coffee is
not exactly pure nectar.

Okay, stop talking.

Well, I remember you said something
about wanting a warhead.

But I rather expected poison.

Don't be a fool.
I never saw him before!

I'll have some of that coffee.
Come on, move.

Now look here, I want...

I already told your wife
how it is.

The cops are after me.

I k*lled two people yesterday.

Only the first one counts.

You can figure that out,
can't you?

Coffee, I said!

Yes, I think I grasp
the general meaning.

Well, you hang on to it then.

I suppose in return for sparing
our lives, you want money?

Money? It might have done
me some good once.

Fix me something to eat.

Mister, where I am now,
money can't buy me a thing.

Have you got a car?

Yes, I'll get you the keys.

Hold on there a minute.

We're not going anyplace.
I'm staying here till dark.

Get back!

Well, in that case,
perhaps I'll see you before you leave.

You thinking
of going someplace?

Oh, you needn't worry,
I don't use the car.

I take a train into town.

Not today.

Oh, yes. Particularly today.

You see, I have
a very important appointment.

And if I don't show up, somebody's going
to wonder what happened to me.

Someone might come
here to investigate.

Where do you work?

Hobart and Paisley Company.

We publish books.

Yeah?

Name some of them.

I hardly think that would
verify my claim.

You see, we don't have
a line of comic books.

Did you think
that was funny, mister?

Do you want them
to be your last words?

If you think you can
think up something funnier,

I'll give you just one minute.

You're quite right.

It wouldn't want that
as an epitaph.

It was in bad taste.
I apologize for it.

Yeah, all right.
We'll go in the other room and sit down.

Come on.

Come on.

Go on! Get!

I been on the run all night.

Anybody makes a sudden move...

My hand's shaky.

I could start sh**ting
without knowing it.

Now, what about this
meeting of yours?

It's scheduled for : .

It's not going to start
without me.

They'll wait an hour and
then they'll start checking.

Okay. You can go to your meeting.
But she stays here.

No!

Wait a minute, Jordan.

Now any cops show up,
you've got yourself a dead wife.

When you come back,
you come back alone.

Jordan, you wouldn't?

You're not coming back.

You're the hostage, my pet.

What can I do about it?

This gentleman is
calling the sh*ts.

He'll come back,
if he wants to see you alive.

No, he won't!

He wants to get rid of me.

Why?

Because he hates me.

He's been trying to get
rid of me for a year

and this is his chance,
to get you to k*ll me.

Now wait a minute, Jordan.

She's hysterical.

I don't know whether
she is or not.

Maybe she's telling the truth.

Well, she isn't.
She doesn't know what
she's talking about.

Tell him about Sylvia Lester.

Who's that?

Well, she's an author.
We publish her books.

She's jealous
of every woman I look at.

Jealous?

Oh, that's really good.

After this, any time
you want to go to her,

I'll pay your way.

And you'll be able
to afford it

after you've squeezed me
of every dime for alimony.

Shut up, both of you!
Sit down, lady.

You get in there
and make a telephone call.

Tell them you're not coming
to the office today. You're sick.

And, mister, you're real sick.

You may not live through
the rest of the day.

Now where's the phone?

It's in the hall.

Hello, Mary?
It's Mr. Ross.

Would you tell Mr. Paisley
that I won't be in today?

I'm ill.

No, no.
I don't know what it is.

Yes, thank you. I will.

Look, would you give
my apologies to Miss Lester

and tell her
that I'll call her tomorrow.

Thank you, Mary.

Miss Lester?

That's the woman, huh?

Well, is it important?

Yeah, it may be
important, mister.

It may be real important.

You wanna know why?

Not particularly.

Those two people I k*lled,

one of them was my wife.

The other one was the guy
she was playing around with.

He broke us up.

Her fault, too.

But it wouldn't have happened
except for him.

So I took this g*n
and I k*lled him.

If they catch me, you know,

they'll ask me if I'm sorry
for what I done?

For her, yeah.
I wish I hadn't k*lled her.

But him, I figure he had it
coming to him.

Because that's the kind
that deserves k*lling.

Do you see how it could
be important, mister?

Because you're the same kind.

And I don't like you anyway.

You know a lot
of fancy words, Jordan,

and whenever you say them,
they come out dirty.

I apologized.

That make me
like you any better?

Now get back in here.
Get back in here!

Are we just gonna
sit here all day?

Maybe.

Maybe we won't
have to wait till it's dark.

If I took one of you with me,

I might get through
them road blocks.

He was so anxious
to get out, take him.

I might do that.

But I'd have to sh**t you
so that you wouldn't call the cops.

No, I wouldn't.

I don't care
what happens to him.

That's just the problem.
You don't care what happens to him

and he doesn't care about you.

You'd call the cops
so that he would get sh*t.

And he'd do the same thing.

Thanks for volunteering for me.
I'll go with you.

No. I mean...
Well, look at it this way.

You said
there'd be road blocks.

If you had a woman in the car,
they would be sure to let you through.

Maybe.

They might think I was
your wife, not even stop us.

That's much better, isn't it?

Give me a drink.

Oh, sure.

Now look here.
Before my wife,

my loving wife,
sells you a bill of goods,

you ought to consider
something.

What's that?

There won't be
just one road block,

there'll be
a whole lot of them.

You'll have to drive
night and day to get out of reach.

Well, you won't be
able to do that.

You're almost out
on your feet right now.

Somebody else is going to
have to drive part of the way.

I figured on that.

Yeah.

Well, my wife doesn't
drive a car.

Is that right, Mrs. Ross?

Don't listen to him.
He's just trying to confuse you.

The police would stop
a car with two men in it.

But they wouldn't
risk k*lling a woman.

Well, now,
why don't you turn on the tears?

That worked with me for years.

He never even knew
why I was crying.

You didn't need a reason.

You could turn it on
like a lawn sprinkler.

Is that the best you can do?

This is the moment
for a brilliant epigram.

It's hardly up to
the Ross standard, is it?

You must be
a very frightened little man.

You're not any
Joan of Arc, yourself.

Both of you shut up!

It makes me sick to my stomach
just to listen to you.

Get away.
You're no better than he is.

It ain't gonna bother me none
which one of you I have to k*ll.

Makes it easier for me.
I'm glad.

But that's not the point.

You've got to think of
which is best for you.

They won't sh**t at a woman.

The moment you go to sleep,
you're finished.

I'll relieve you.

I'll take a chance
on staying awake.

Where's your coat?

In the hall closet.
I'll get it.

Your name is Lacey,
isn't it?

Yeah, I read about you
in last night's paper.

Those killings,

they were un-premeditated,
weren't they?

They're both dead.

Not enough difference
to do me any good.

Yeah, well,
that's not what I meant.

I mean, you didn't have enough time
to make any plans, did you?

I'm making them now.

I'm gonna sh**t you.

Yes. Well, you brought
plenty of money along, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, it's still necessary,
even for a man in your predicament.

I mean, for instance,
my gas t*nk is almost empty.

And you'll need
to eat occasionally.

You've thought of all that,
of course.

No, I haven't got any money.

Yes, well, I don't have enough
to get to the main highway.

But there are several places
where I can cash checks.

Let's go,
I've got the car keys.

How much?

Whatever you'd need.
$ .

Incidentally,
it's not a joint account.

Make out a check right now!

No. Why should I?

What have I got
to lose by refusing?

The only way you're gonna get
that money

is by taking me
instead of her.

If you need money...

He does.
And you haven't got enough.

I can outbid you.
How much you
got, Mrs. Ross?

I don't know.

She hasn't got
over $ at the most.

That's not enough, Mrs. Ross.

He can write a check for $ .

But the box.

He doesn't have
to write a check.

He keeps that much cash in a box
upstairs in his bedroom.

Let go upstairs, mister.

No, no, no. You see,
the box is empty.

I took all the money
out yesterday.

Show me.

Get up those stairs!

If there's no money in that box,
you're staying behind.

Now follow me!

There's less than $
in that box.

She says there's more.

No, no. She just said that
to get you up here.

She's out the back door by now.

I'm right here.

Come back here!

Now come on up here.

Come on.

Ross, come on out of there
or I'll blast that lock off the door.

You'd better not do that.

Neighbor's will hear the sh*ts
and call the police.

Is there a phone in that room?

No.

Okay. Come on,
we're getting out of here.

Oh, wait. We can't.

The moment we go,
he'll phone the police.

We wouldn't even reach
the highway.

They won't sh*t at us,
not with a woman in the car.

He might tell them
I'm running away with you or something.

You know he wants
to get rid of me.

Have you got a key
to that door?

No. There's a slide bolt.
You'll have to break it down.

You're to blame for this.

There's no money in there.
You tricked me.

You thought I wouldn't k*ll
you because you're a woman!

No, I wouldn't!

I don't care
what happens to him.

He doesn't care
what happens to me.

It's a lie and you tricked me.

Ross, come on out of there!

You've got the car.
You better take it and run.

I've got your wife, too.

Yeah. So you have.

You're not fooling me, Ross.

You want your wife!

You had me believing
you didn't care for a while.

But she tricked me
so you could get away.

She knew there wasn't
any money in there!

How very clever of you,
my dear.

Now let's see you
get yourself away.

I wasn't trying to help him.

There is money in there.
Jordan, tell him!

I'll give you one minute, Ross.

If you don't come out of there,
I'll k*ll your wife.

I've got a g*n at her head!
Do you hear me, Ross?

I'm going to take her downstairs
and turn the radio on loud.

If you listen real hard,
you can hear the sh*t.

Jordan!

Help me, Jordan!

Lacey!

I think you'd better
call for help.

Well, quite a desperado,
apparently.

I counted nine policemen.

You're certainly playing
the casual hero, for all it's worth.

But the shaky hands rather
spoils the effect, don't you think?

I never made any pretensions
to be a man of action,

but I've always been able
to rise to an occasion.

You?

Why didn't you tell the police
that I pushed his arm

and saved your pompous hide?

Well, I believe
I did mention it in passing.

Why?

What?

Why did you push his arm?

Well, I didn't stop to think.

Why did you come storming out of
the bedroom like a dime novel hero?

Well, I don't know.

Even the most civilized man, I suppose,
has some hidden, primitive emotions.

Oh, that's really funny.

Man and his mate.

Me Tarzan, you Jane.

I fail to see the necessity
for analyzing my actions.

You really should, pet.

That explanation will have
Sylvia Lester absolutely ecstatic.

Yes, well, the truth
of the matter is,

I don't really know
why I did it.

It's possible that I wouldn't
have done it for anyone else.

You mean a stranger?

No, no. You can include
Sylvia, if you like.

But I...

Still, I'm not sure
what my reactions would've been.

Of course it may be because
I am legally your husband.

What have conventions to
do with primitive emotions?

I refuse to indulge in any kind
of sloppy sentimentality.

I couldn't agree more.

I haven't seen you cry
in over a year.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to be
a lawn sprinkler.

I never really minded.

May I have a cigarette,
please?

Oh, of course.

Thanks.

Why did you push his arm?

You Jordan, me Eve.

As you have already guessed,

tonight's show illustrated
man's inhumanity to man.

His indestructibility
in the face of obstacles,

the senselessness of w*r,
the need for a dream,

the value of spiritual action
to combat the lust for profit.

And finally,
the corrosion of life,

the depletion of energy
and the frustration of love,

which result from
following a philosophy

of romantic opportunism
in an idealistic society.

Naturally we don't
believe any of that,

but we felt that the author
deserved to be heard.

Did you ever...

Did you ever have the feeling
you were being followed?

That something vaguely
ominous was following you?

I do. On this program.

Let's have a look at him,
after which I shall slink back.

You know, there are times
when I find myself

wishing my television tube
would blow out.

I'm sure you have
the same feeling.

But if you thought that was bad,

you should've tasted this toast,
burnt to a crisp.

However, it indicates to me
that it was the wife

and not the husband who was
the victim of this little faux pas de deux.

And justifiably, too.

She was no cook,
she was an arsonist.

Next week, we shall be
back with another story.

Until then, good night.