03x36 - The Safe Place

[bunniefuu]

Good evening,
interns, patients
and curiosity seekers.

One of the marvels
of television is
its educational value.

A few years ago,
only a handful of people

could have witnessed this rare
and delicate operation.

Now, because of television,
millions may witness
this event,

including the subject herself,

for we are going
to present her with a film
of tonight's proceedings

together with a projector,

to say nothing
of a beautiful charm bracelet.

Each charm to represent
a phase of the operation

with replicas
of each organ removed.

Incidentally,
we call our program

"This is your..."
a sentence we don't finish

until we see
how the operation turns out.

And now, gentlemen,
you may make the incision.

Uh, stop.
This is a dramatization.

Uh, just a moment.
Uh, just a moment.
We forgot the anesthetic.

However, I have something here
that will put anyone to sleep

in just seconds.

This is a new account, Piper.

I want you to see that
it's given every courtesy.

Why certainly, sir.

Is everything all right?

All right, sir?

Oh, you mean in the office.
Oh, yes, sir, perfectly.

The counter business
a little slack, but then
it usually is about now.

Well, that needn't affect
our general morale, need it?

Oh, it certainly
need not, sir.

I think everyone's
working at tempo.

If not allegro, then
certainly sostenuto, as we
musically minded might put it.

Yes.

I'm surprised at you,
Miss Manners.

You're gonna get me fired.

That's the last thing
I'd want.

Don't forget
our luncheon date.
: sharp.

Oh, but...

Mr. Piper?

Good morning, Mr. Manett.

Good morning.

The usual s?
That's right.

Make it used ones
this time, will you?

Last time you gave me
new bills, they kept
sticking together all night.

I found myself putting
more than I wanted to
into the pot.

Pot?
Yeah.

You know, poker.

Oh, so you're
a gambler, Mr. Manett?

Well, only technically.

Gamblers are guys
who think money talks.

Poker players listen
to the cards.

I make a living
playing the cards
against the gamblers.

Now don't tell me you're
against gambling, Mr. Piper.

Oh, by no means.

As long as it's within
one's means, of course.

Well, I figure
it's the way you're made.

With some people
it's sport, you know,
like golf or anything else.

Me, I got to exercise
the old cranium.

Pretty strenuous exercise
it is, too.

You got to train for it
like any other exercise.

See, one of the secrets
of my success is training,
Mr. Piper.

Is that so?

Most guys
I do business with drink.

I don't.

Before I get in a game,
I go home and sleep.

By the time the other guys
can't tell the treys
from the aces,

I'm still alive
and sandbagging them.

Mr. Manett, forgive me.

I don't know if you're
aware of it, but we have
a new manager in the branch.

Oh.

And, well,
you know the old saying
about new brooms?

Oh, sure, I get you.

I suggest if you want
to keep your account
in this bank,

you'd better not discuss your
profession quite so loudly.

Oh, I forgot.

Might get the place
a bad name, huh?

Thanks, Mr. Piper.

Miss Manners.

Oh, yes, Mr. Farnsworth.

Would you file these,
please, put them in the vault?

Yes, thank you.

All set? Let's go.

I can't possibly, Mr. Piper.

Mr. Farnsworth just gave me
these bonds I have to file
and return them to the vault.

But we'll miss our table.
Can't you do it after lunch?

I daren't leave them
just lying around.

Oh, is that all?

Oh, Mr. Piper.

There we are.
Safe as Fort Knox.

Well?

Well, okay.

No more, Mr. Piper, really.

The name is George.

That's very nice of you,
but all the same,
I think if you don't mind

I'll just keep it Mr. Piper.

Tell me, my dear,
what's wrong?

Wrong?

Yes, what have you got
against me?

Nothing.

That is...

Nothing.

I'm too old for you,
is that it?

I don't know how old you are.

Well, let's say you'd like me
better if I was younger.

It's not a matter
of likes or dislikes.

May I be honest?

Isn't that what I'm asking?

Well, a girl has to look out
for herself, doesn't she?

And not that I listen
to gossip,

but from what I hear,
I'm not the first girl you've
asked out from the bank.

And if what they say is true,
it never comes to anything.

Not that it has to,
of course,

but with younger men,
there's always a chance
that it may become serious,

whereas, as everyone says...

Who is this everyone
you keep referring to?

Well, the girls at the bank.

I see.

Well, you can't expect them
not to talk, can you?

Well, as I said,
with a younger man,
there's always a chance

they may be willing
to take a gamble.

But when you're older...
My dear,

I don't think anyone's ever
been able to reproach me
with being afraid of a gamble.

As a matter of fact...
Well, look who's here.

George, you old so and so,
what are you doing here?

This is my brother.
Miss Manners, a fellow
employee at the bank.

Oh, how very nice.
Hello.

Must be very pleasant having
someone as agreeable as you
around all day, Miss Manners.

Fred.

Oh, George, I been wanting
to get hold of you.

Got a proposition
that might interest you.

Tell you what, I'll give you
a call sometime this evening.

Nice meeting you,
Miss Manners.
Thank you.

Yes, then we can have dinner
and take in a picture.

Oh, you can't, huh?

Well, maybe you could stop in
for a drink anyway.

Just a second, Barbara.

Who is it?

It's me, Fred.

Come on in.

You'll have to excuse me,
Barbara. I'll call you later.

Mmm-hmm.

Bye, my dear.

You certainly live it up.

Well, I hope
you're not gonna be long.
I have a date this evening.

Most every other evening,
eh, Georgie Boy?

You certainly know
how to pick 'em.

That was quite a doll you were
having lunch with today.

May I?

What do you want
to see me about?

George, have you ever thought
about what's gonna happen
to you in a few years' time?

You're gonna be on the shelf,

pensioned off,
given the old buzaroo.

And on what? Half your basic?

Things aren't gonna get
any cheaper.

You aren't gonna stop wanting
what you've always had.

And what you want
isn't going to get cheaper.

Food, wine, girls.
Particularly girls.

Pardon my vulgarity,
dear boy.

No. No, I won't pardon it.
You are vulgar.
Disgustingly vulgar!

Do you think I haven't faced
the problem of retirement,
of old age?

I'd give anything not to have
to face it. But don't worry,
I'll find a way.

That's my boy.
That's my Georgie Boy.

I always said
you had it in you.

Oh, shut up.

No, no, I mean it.
You may not have been
in the dough,

but you've always lived
like you were.

And what you've had,
they can't take away from you.

As for what's to come,
well, that's what
I want to talk to you about.

What you need right now
is the kind of investment
that'll bring you in

that extra bit of cash
to make things easier
for you when the...

Okay, okay,
put it any way you like,

but what you need
is additional income.
Am I right?

Well, boy, I've got
the very thing right here.

As nice a little proposition
as ever I've had to deal with.

Now, really, Fred.

No, no, this is solid.

Look, I've got the figures
right here to prove it.

All that's wrong is that
it's been run into the ground
through sheer incompetence.

Now here, look.
Just take a look at that.

I can't believe it.

How anyone could have let
a fine business
like this run down.

His old man built up this
business. Now all he thinks
he has to do is milk it.

And, boy, has he milked it.

Not that it couldn't be put
back on its feet again.
And that's where we come in.

Right now, a - share
would cost us only $ , .

$ , ?
He'd soon run that
into the ground.

Then we'll be able to take
over the whole shebang.

Just a little maneuvering.

And how much of the $ ,
are you prepared to put up?

Oh, come on, now, George.
You know how I'm fixed.

But you must have a nice
little nest egg stowed away.

Must I?
Sure.

And if not, well,
there are ways and means.

I mean, a man in your position
with all that ready cash
at your disposal.

Are you by any chance
suggesting that I embezzle
the bank's money?

Don't tell me
you've never thought of it.

Of course, I've thought of it.

I'm sure a great many tellers
have weighed their chances.

And not one who hasn't had
the sense to realize
that he hasn't got a chance.

Okay, okay.

Personally,
I'd rather take a chance
on a straightforward holdup

than try to bamboozle
the bank examiners.

There isn't a trick
those babies aren't down to.

All right, forget it.

Embezzlement.

No.

Really, my dear Freddy,
why not blackmail?

As a matter of fact,
blackmail is far and away the
safest form of crime there is,

provided, of course, one takes
reasonable precautions.

You'd make
a pretty good blackmailer.

Don't be impertinent.

All the same, I fancy
I have certain qualities
that might have proved useful,

had I chosen to embark
on a life of crime.

But blackmail...
No, I don't think so.
I haven't the patience.

You know, that's my greatest
weakness, impatience.

Something more immediate,
more dramatic.

A m*rder, for instance.

Yes, why not?
Given the right subject.

Now, this client I was
telling you about, perfect.

Mixes in questionable circles.

Known to go around
at night with quite large sums
of money on him.

No one likely to be
seriously upset by his death.

Well, in every way
a suitable victim. Now,

all that remains is to choose
the time when he has
the required amount on him,

and to dispose
of the money in such a way
that it could never be traced.

Swallow it, for instance.

You know what I would do
in my position?

I'd rent a safety deposit box
at a suburban bank.

Under a phony name,
of course.

Good point. You're learning.

But I might not be able
to put the money into the box
for a few days.

So until that time...

You'd put it in a sock
and hide it in your dresser?

No.

No, I'd put it where
they'd never think to look,

where it would become
utterly invisible.

And where would that be,
Houdini?

You tell me.

Well, I will
as soon as it comes off.

In the meantime, you don't
mind if I look somewhere else
for the money, do you?

Hmm, Georgie Boy?

There you are, sir.

Good afternoon.

Mr. Piper.

I'm afraid that'll only leave
a couple of or so
in the account.

$ . .

Hey, that's all right.

Have you got all your accounts
figured like that?

No, no.

I'm afraid I'll have to go
to the vault for this.
It's quite a large amount.

The usual fifties.
Hey, why don't you rub it
a little for luck, huh?

Some of it may rub off on you.

I hope so, Mr. Manett.
I certainly hope so.

Fred, where have you been?
It's I, George.

Fred, you remember
that business proposition
you talked to me about?

Yes, well, is it still open?

Well, I'm expecting
a little windfall, and I...

Gambling?
Yes, in a sort of way.

I just wanted to know
if it was still open.

Good. Good,
then I'll let you know.

Good evening, Mr. Manett.

Well, good to see you,
Mr. Piper.

Not so loud, please.

You know how it is
with the bank.
I shouldn't be here at all.

Oh, yeah, Mr. New Broom.
Come on in.

Now, what's this all about?

Well, I think I overpaid you
this afternoon.

I mean, I'm short
on my cash tally

and the bank examiners are due
first thing Monday morning.

Well, let's just count
and see, huh?

Fix yourself a drink.

Thanks.

Say, you sound pretty chirpy
for a Monday morning, Mr. P.

Come into a fortune
or something?

Or something.

Good morning,
Mr. Martinson.

Good morning.

Good morning, my dear.

Good morning, Mr. Piper.

How about lunch today?
Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Now, now, I won't take no
for an answer.

Millie, there's something
very important
that I have to ask you.

Very important.

Look, Mr...

The boss wants you.
Sounds important.

What's the matter, Mr. Piper?
Nothing serious, I hope.

Serious?

Well, you look so strange.

Oh, it's... It's the thought
of what I have to ask you.
Until lunch, then.

Or, as they say in Italy,
arrivederci.

I just can't believe it.
I mean that it should be
one of our accounts.

Oh, come in, Piper.

Piper, this is Sergeant
Henderson from the police.

How do you do?

It seems that one of our
depositors has been m*rder*d.

Yes, I read it in the paper.

The name stood out
because Mr. Manett always came
to my station.

I was just about to come
and tell you about it
when you sent for me.

Well, go on, Sergeant.

What we found was
a checkbook on this bank.

The last stub in it showed
a check to be cashed
for $ , .

The money wasn't
in the apartment.

Yes, sir. He cashed
a check for that amount
Friday afternoon.

I gave it to him in s.
There's only or so
left in the account.

Good. You have
the serial numbers?

No, we don't
usually note them.

Well, at least we can
establish that he left here
Friday afternoon

with $ , in cash on him.

As of now, you're the only one
who knew he had it.

Well, I could hardly be
expected not to know, could I?

I also know
of several other depositors

who left the bank with large
amounts of cash on them.

Okay, okay.
Now, just for the record,
where were you Friday night,

say between : p.m.
and : ?

In my apartment, reading.

Piper here has been
with the bank
for more than years.

He has an impeccable record.

Of course, he knew
that this man had the money.

But if you're,
with the slightest chance,

suggesting that Piper here
might have done it,

would he have left
his checkbook there
to lead you here, Sergeant?

Don't get excited,
Mr. Farnsworth.

At Manett's apartment,
nobody saw anything,
nobody heard anything,

nobody left any fingerprints
that shouldn't be there.

Ballistics probably
can't trace the w*apon.

So Mr. Piper could have
done it just as well
as anyone else.

Only he didn't.

Nobody whose been
a bank teller for years

would leave himself
that wide open.

So we'll just have to go
about it in the usual way.

Pass the word around
and wait till somebody starts
flashing $ bills.

Thanks for the information.

Don't mention it.

Sergeant, would it be
possible to avoid publicity
to the bank?

I'm sure there will be
some way that we can show
our appreciation.

There wouldn't be any way you
could do that, Mr. Farnsworth.

This is bad, Piper.
This is very bad.

We'll be blamed for having
accepted an account
from such a fellow.

But it was a good account,
Mr. Farnsworth.

Not that good, Piper,
not that good.

And suppose
that detective reports
that I tried to bribe him.

He won't. Besides,
they may never catch anyone.

In that case, we just
keep quiet and no one
need know anything about it.

Don't be a fool, Piper.

You know perfectly that I have
to report this downtown.

And then I have
to try to explain

exactly why
we took this account.

You may not know this, Piper,

but my name is being
considered for
a vice-presidency of the bank.

Now what do you think
will happen?

Oh, come now, Mr. Farnsworth.
I'm sure you're making
a mountain out of a molehill.

You think so? You think
they select vice presidents

from among branch managers
whose depositors get m*rder*d?

Even the way we carried it
will make it worse.

Green goods broker.

Yes, but you could hardly
be expected to know

the kind of green goods,
Mr. Farnsworth.

Look, they'll understand.

Understand nothing.

All they'll understand is
that I didn't know who
I was doing business with.

You said that he always came
to your station.

Now, do you mean to tell me
that there was nothing

to give you an inkling
about Manett?

I ask you a question,
I expect you to answer!

Well, perhaps Mr. Manett did
say things now and then that
may have made me suspicious.

But it was a good account
on the books. It was helping
the branch standing.

And that was good for you,
Mr. Farnsworth.

If I did wrong in keeping my
suspicions to myself, I did it
with the best of intentions.

You know what the road to hell
is paved with, don't you?

Mr. Farnsworth, I have had
over years service
with this company.

You just stated it was
an impeccable record.

I have never been
reprimanded.

If a reprimand is called for
in this case,

I will be ready to accept it
from those who've known me
much longer than you have.

What it boils down to is

that you didn't report
an account about which
you were suspicious.

And now you're standing
on your record

and claiming the right
to make one mistake, eh?

Well, I've got news for you.

I have absolutely
nothing to lose and perhaps
a great deal to gain

by taking decisive action.

Send in Martinson,
will you, please?

You, Piper, are fired.

You can't do that. My record.

I can't do that, huh?
We'll see about that.
Come in here.

Yes, sir?

Martinson, as of this minute,
you take over as head teller.

Very well,
I'll just count up...

No!

You tally out Piper's cash.

You heard what I said.

Give him the key, Piper.

The key, Piper, the key!

I can now report
that the operation was
a huge success.

Our patient now has
what she wanted:

perfect measurements,
, , .

So much
for Operation Operation.

Now a word from you know who,

after which
I shall toddle back.

I'm sorry to say that
after further consideration,

the girl on whom
we operated became unhappy
with the results.

She learned that two cannot
live as cheaply as one.

For one thing, she had to buy
a sidecar for her motorcycle.

Things like that.

So while she's
pulling herself together,

I would like to say that
I shall be back next week
with another play.

Until then, good night.