08x13 - Whose Side Are You On?

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys.
Daddy's pulling in.

Hurry up and finish
your meatloaf.

I like your new haircut,
Mommy.

Thank you, honey.

Do you think
Daddy'll notice?

I don't know.
You wanna bet?

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Sure!

Which side do you
want to take?

I bet he won't notice.

I was gonna
take that one!

Okay, he's coming.
Hurry up. Quiet.

Hey, Gladys Knight
and the Pips.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Daddy.

Hmm. Where's the mail?

It's right behind you.

Hi.

Hey. Hmm.

What's up?

Nothing.

Looks like somebody
had a glass of wine.

No no.

So, what?
What are you doing?

Nothin'. Just...

Iooking at you.

You're drunk.

Look at this.

They spelled NCAA
with three A's.

How do they not
catch that?

Ta-da!

What? What's so funny?

We bet Mommy you wouldn't
notice her haircut, and we win.

What did you think I was doing,
checking for lice?

No no.
Listen, I noticed it,

I'm just--
no, it looks good.

It totally compliments
your... head. Yeah.

Daddy, you didn't notice
my haircut, either.

I-- no, I did, I did.
It's totally different.

I didn't get a haircut.

Nice one.

Ha. Very funny.

You know, Ally,
you shouldn't do that.

One day you're gonna
want me to notice,

and now you're
the Girl Who Cried Haircut.

Hey, guys.

Daddy, can you help me
with my homework?

Ah, forget that.
Listen. Listen.

I thought of a funny bet
that we can do to Mommy, okay?

We'll turn on the TV,
and then we'll bet

how long it takes her
to say, "Turn it off."

Ha ha!

But I don't get it.

Yeah, Mommy's bets
are funny.

Well--this is funny.
This--

wait a minute.

Does Mommy do other bets
besides the haircut one?

Yeah.

Like what?

Well, sometimes
when you call

and say what time
you'll be home from work,

she bets us what time
you'll really be home.

It's funny 'cause
you're always so late.

Ha ha. Yeah. Yeah,
that is funny, yeah.

What else?

She bets us what you'll forget
at the grocery store.

And if you did
the laundry.

And how long you'll take
in the bathroom.

I always say "infinity."

Hey, no TV
during homework.

Ha ha! I win!
I win the bet!

I win the--
ho ho, Mommy!

That was hilarious, huh?
All right!

Yeah! That was funny.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing. I bet that you
would say, "Turn the TV off,"

and you did!
So predictable! Whoa!

Man, that was classic, right?

Wait, I don't understand.

You bet that I'd be
a responsible parent?

What's so funny?

Not Daddy.

What?

No, I always thought
that Raymond's sense of humor

was wonderful.

Here, Raymond.
I brought you this cake.

Half is for me and Amy.

Robby, I said I'd bring it
over to you.

I'll supervise the cutting,
thank you.

Hey, this is cool,
this is cool.

I'll bet half
of Grandma's cake

is still better than
a whole one of Mommy's.

Excuse me?

Raymond, that's not nice
to say out loud.

No. No no,
it's fine, Ma.

We're just making
funny bets, you know?

Okay, so who wants to bet
that Mommy's cake

probably isn't as delightful
as it should be?

Kids, you want to finish
your homework upstairs, please?

Yeah okay,
go upstairs.

You wouldn't want
a bedtime snack

'cause all we got
is Mommy food.

Ray, what is your problem?

- Yeah, what's going on?
- I'll tell you what's going on:

She bets the kids
that I'll do stupid stuff.

Are the betting windows
still open?

I don't understand.
What are these bets?

They're just jokes.

You know, like we bet whether Ray
would notice my new haircut,

which he didn't.

Well, maybe he was
just being polite.

Yeah yeah.
Maybe your haircut's junky.

- Now, you listen to me.
- I'll bet I won't.

- What's gotten into you?
- What do you mean?

Hold it!

I made cake...

and before another
cross word is said,

why don't we just
all sit down and have some?

It's my world-famous
chocolate-layer cake.

Oh--

Frank!

Look. You can see
the imprint of his face.

That's your half.

Ray, I don't understand
why you're so upset.

You're always
making jokes about me.

Yes, I am-- to my friends.
Not impressionable children.

Take another look
at your friends.

You--

your bets are
turning the kids against me.

What?! Ray, we're just
having some fun.

No, you're poisoning
their minds!

Those kids, they used to think
that I was Superman!

I'd come home every night

and they'd run up to me,
"Yay! Daddy's home!"

But now they don't,

because you're home all day

painting me to them
as some big dumb doof!

Don't ever quit painting,
Debra.

Okay, Ray, if the bets bother you,
I can certainly stop.

- Good.
- Fine.

But there is another solution.

You want them to think
you're Superman?

I am!
I am like Superman!

I'm not talking about just
walking around in your underwear.

Walkin' in the underwear!

Let me ask you: Would Superman
have called me tonight to say

he's running late at work
even though I could hear

Gianni's PlayStation
in the background?

Look! Up in the sky!
It's Bad Husband!

That's right.

Debra?

May I say something
as an impartial observer?

Wouldn't your time
be better spent

talking things out
with Raymond,

instead of turning your children
into gamblers?

Marie, I try to talk
to Raymond all the time,

but he doesn't listen.

You don't know
how bad it can get.

There's a chocolate-covered
old man

sitting on my good couch,

and I don't know
how bad it can get?

This is a good husband.

Any time you want
to trade places,

just say the word.

I mean, if I were 40 years younger
and he wasn't my son--

Okay, Ma.
All right, all right.

And Raymond is also
an excellent father,

which Frank,
I can assure you, was not.

I spent most of my time
shielding these boys

from his bad moods.

That's right.

Every night Mom
would secretly tell us

how bad a mood Dad was in
on a scale of one to five.

Yeah, I remember.

One meant
regular grouchy,

and five meant
"Run! Run for you lives!"

That's right.

You remember
what a skinflint he was?

That's right, I remember.

I remember you said, "Skinflint's
the perfect word for your father,

because he's
cheap and bald."

Hey, how about the imitation?

- No.
- Yes, do it!

- Do the imitation, Ma.
- No no no.

Come on! Do it!

Well, he had this way
of bellowing at me.

"Marie, food!
Marie, drink!

Marie, Maalox!"

Oh my God.

What?

You did it too.

Did what?

Tried to turn us
against our dad.

Just like Debra.

Ray, that's ridiculous.

I don't do anything
like Debra.

Yeah, that's a little nuts,
Raymond.

Oh, really?

You don't think that Mom wanted us
to think that Dad was a jerk?

Well, correct me
if I'm wrong,

but I think he is a jerk.

Of course
you think that now

after 40 years
of anti-papa propaganda!

Don't you remember
when we were kids

and Mom would sit you down
in the kitchen

for one of her chats?

That never happened to me.

Well, I remember
that was my whole Saturday.

Dad would be
at the lodge,

and Mom would sit me down
and just go on and on

about how
she can't stand him,

and she doesn't know how anybody
can live with him, and...

And then when she was finished,
I'd get a Cadbury egg.

Marie, why would you have such
a personal discussion with your son?

And why didn't you ever
have it with me?

And you're doing
the same thing.

What? I-I just made
a couple of bets.

Don't kid yourself, lady.

Take a look
in the mirror.

All right, all right...

that's enough, Raymond.

You have been hurtful
to both me and Debra today,

and I think you owe
a full apology to me.

Oh, I'm gonna apologize...
to Dad!

Raymond!

Excuse me...

my father likes cake.

Robby!

Oh, you're talkin'
to me now?

Because I believe
you still owe me half a cake

and a couple hundred
Cadbury eggs!

Hey, Dad.

Hey, my cake!

I was lookin' for that.

Hello, little fella.

Mmm... mm.

So, if I'm thinking right now
that he's a slob,

that's Ma's fault?

All right, look.

Hey!

Listen, Dad.

Uh...

in the past,

I may have been
under the impression

that you were maybe

not such a good guy.

But I'm starting to think

that I may have been
led to believe

that you were worse
than you are.

Okay? So I'm thinking

that maybe
you're not so bad.

I--

I guess I just wanted you
to know that.

Am I dying?

No, Dad,
you're not dying.

Then turn the TV back on.

Dad, listen.

Ma used to talk bad about you
behind your back

when we were kids.

Every Saturday she would sit me down
and complain about you.

And?

Well, that doesn't bother you?

What would bother me is
if I had to listen.

Hello.

Oh no,

don't even try it,
Mom, okay?

I'm talkin' to Dad now, all right?
You had the first 40 years.

Dad, Mom's the reason
that I think you're cheap and bald!

You didn't get that
on your own?

No! No, she didn't
give me a chance.

She was always
complaining about you.

So men are allowed to do
whatever they want,

and the women just
have to put up with it.

This is the problem
with America!

You're right.

You should leave America.

And it didn't stop
with the talking.

I was reading letters at camp

about how my Mommy's husband
wasn't emotionally available!

This was the news
from home.

Look, this is crazy.

Somebody milk me.

You see?

That's why I had to go to you.
Who else was there?

Anyone have a noose?

Listen, Raymond,

I spent the best years
of my life

trying to get an ounce
of compassion out of this man,

and he gave me nothing.

Well, don't tell me,
tell him.

You gave me nothing,
Frank!

Thanks a lot, Ray.

Just leave him alone, Ma.

So, this is whose side
you're on now?

No, I'm the son.
I'm not on anybody's side.

Well, I am!

Since it's been you and Raymond
all these years,

it's gonna be
me and Dad now.

That's right--
us two against you two.

Right, Dad?

Sure.
Get me some milk.

All right!

And I'm also available to talk
behind Raymond and Ma's back.

I hope you're satisfied,
Frank.

You've caused a schism
in the family.

Aw, knock it off, Marie.

Didn't you hear? Ray's done
buying your boo-hoo baloney.

Yeah, especially since
I just found out

that Debra's doing
the same thing.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

She makes bets with the kids
that turn them against me.

- Wives.
- Yeah.

Wives!

A father lives
for moments like these.

Here's your milk, Da--

Ah!

This milk might
have expired.

Listen to me, Ray,

your brother's a candy-pants.

But guys like us,
we've got to be strong.

Because the truth is,

your mother was gonna complain
no matter what I did.

So I figured,
the hell with it!

I'm gonna do what I want.

Right?

Well, uh...

okay.

Right!

Because the more
the wife yammers,

the more you can't listen.

I've been through
46 years of

"Why can't you be
a better person?!"

Look at me!

Am I a better person?

No.

I win!

- Hey.
- Hey, listen, I was thinking about--

I'm sorry.

No no, I'm sorry.

Oh, well okay,
but I just want you to know

that I'm going to try
harder around here.

So... you know,

you can shut down
the casino, okay?

Look, I even got you that yogurt
you said you wanted.

Oh...

well, this is sour cream,
but I appreciate the effort.

Oh. Hmm. Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Nobody's gonna bet
against you anymore, hmm?

And you know what?

From now on, I'm only going to
build you up to the kids.

- Hmm. Yeah?
- Yeah.

Like what?
What are you gonna say?

You know,
all the good stuff--

you're sweet,
you're funny,

you're a great guy.

Huh. All right.

That's all good.

When are you going
to say that?

All the time.

Hmm.

- How about now?
- What?

I mean, what do got
going on now?

The kids are just
sitting there, and...

I don't know,
l-I'd kind of like to see this.

Ray, that's so awkward.

Can't I just do it
when it's natural to do it?

Come on...

I got your sour cream.

You know what?
I'm gonna do it.

Okay.

Wait wait wait
wait wait wait.

Wait. Wait.

Go.

Hey, kids,
I wanna talk to you.

Hey, we were
watching that!

Should have waited
for the commercials.

Listen, I wanna
talk about Daddy.

What's the bet?

Um... ahem...
no, you know what?

We're actually not going
to do betting anymore,

because I think it's left you
with the impression

that Daddy's... not so cool.
And Daddy is cool.

No, he is!

You know that.

You know that, right?

Listen, I just want you
to understand

that when were doing
all that stuff,

Iike betting on haircuts
and the grocery store

and "ls Daddy
zipped up today?"

Listen...

I want you to know

that I think your daddy
is a great guy.

He works very hard,

he has a lot of fun
with you guys,

and we're lucky
to have him.

I love Daddy very much.

And you know what?

I would rather be married
to him than Superman.

You would?

Yes, I would.

Hey! What are you guys
doing here?

Hey!

Oh! I've been
looking for you.

What's going on?

We were just saying
how great Daddy is.

You're great, Daddy.

My my! Where's this
coming from?

Aw, you guys, you--
you're great too.

Okay, guys,
it's time for bed.

No!

Come on, guys.
It's bedtime.

How about if Daddy reads you
a bedtime story?

Yeah!

Oh.

Uh... I wanted to watch
the Knick game.

Yeah, you know what?

Forget the Knicks.
I wanna read!

All right, guys,
Superman's coming.

He's gonna
read you a story,

but he's gonna read it superfast
so he can watch the Knicks.

Wait a minute. Superman wants
to use his superpowers.

Ah, you wore
the lacy ones.

Hey.

Hey.

What do you got,
a new sweater?

Yeah.
Amy gave it to me.

I been getting
compliments all day.

Yeah, it's pretty good, man.

Oh yeah?

How much you wanna bet
Mom won't even notice?

I'll bet you she will.

You're wrong
and you're on.

- Hi, Robby.
- Hey, Ma.

- How's Amy?
- Fine, Ma.

Excuse me, Robby,
I have to get to the sink.

Aha! I win!

Congratulations.
Your mother doesn't notice you.

Hey, what's with
the ugly sweater?