08x20 - Blabbermouths

[bunniefuu]

No, now,
here's the sweetest thing:

Every night
since our wedding,

Robert gives me
a little massage.

- Oh, wow! You are so lucky.
- Yeah.

Although he kind of doesn't
know his own strength

and sometimes
when he squeezes,

I feel like
I'm being juiced.

But it's very thoughtful.

Can't you just tell him
to lighten up a little?

I don't have the heart.

Plus, I usually black out
before I can say anything.

My Bernie does
cute things too.

Like, every night,

he shuffles in
in his pajamas,

he kneels by the bed,
and prays.

Aw...

You know,
when Ray kneels by the bed,

it's not so much praying
as begging.

No. No, Ray is
pretty sweet himself.

The other night,
when I woke up,

he was whimpering
in his sleep.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And then he said,
"Choo-choo gone."

Aw...

"Choo-choo gone."
How adorable is that?

He woke up and was
really embarrassed,

but he told me
he was having a dream

that he was in the park
with his mommy,

and the kiddie train left
before he got on.

Oh!

I am such a sucker

for that little-boy
thing in men.

It's so endearing.

Where's Marie?
I lost my shoe.

Come on, Robert.

You didn't play that bad,
all right?

I was just awesome.

Thanks. You always know
just what to say.

What are you worried about?
It's not like anybody saw you.

You were in the woods
the whole time.

So you just invited me in
to insult me, is that it?

Yes.

and to offer you
a mixed-berry juice box.

Hmm. I do like
mixed berry.

Here, I'll put
the straw in for you.

You won't be able to get it
anywhere near the hole.

I can do it myself!

Goodbye!

Why are you being
such a baby?

- Baby?
- Yeah.

I'm a baby?

A baby knows three words:
"Choo-choo gone."

What?

Nothing.

Ah!

Poom-poom!

Hey.
How was your golf?

W-w-what'd you do?
You told Robert my dream?

What?

My train dream--
"Choo-choo gone."

No, I didn't tell
Robert that--

oh, Amy.

You told Amy?!

I just thought it was sweet,
and so did she.

I didn't think
she would tell Robert.

No, it's not sweet.
It's personal!

I'm sorry. I'll tell Amy
to keep those things between us.

Wh-- no! No!

How about you just
keep them between us?!

Wait a minute-- what things?
She knows other of my things?!

Ray, just calm down.

What else does
she know, huh?

Does she know
you saw me that time,

shaving with
your pink lady-razor?

- I don't know.
- Come on.

Think.
Did you tell her?

Ray, this is crazy.

Do you expect me
to remember

everything I've ever told Amy
about you over the years?

Years?!

You've been doing this
to me for years?

Okay, l-I realize
you're upset,

and I will try
to be more sensitive.

But I do talk to Amy
about my life,

and, I'm sorry, but you happen
to be a big part of my life.

Well, I'm--I'm sorry
you and the other hens

don't have anything
better to do

than to cluck
around the henhouse

Iike a gaggle
of cluckety-cluckin' hens.

We're not clucking,
Ray.

We're sharing
our feelings.

Oh my God.

You tell her
about our sex!

Look, Ray, listen.
I don't...

she's my best friend.

Dump her!

- What?
- You have to dump her.

She knows too much,
thanks to your gossip.

Yes, that's right--
you're a gossip.

What are you doing?

I'm going upstairs
to take a shower

and I would rather
Amy didn't know what I wash

or how long I wash it!

Hey.

Oh, game's already on?

Yeah,
it just started.

Uh, say there, Dad,

how about passing me
some of those tasty chips?

Why, certainly, son.
Here you go.

Hey, animals, can you at least
eat with your mouths shut?

Oh, I'm sorry.
What's the matter?

Don't you like the way
we "choo-choo"?

Choo-choo.

"Choo-choo gone"!

- We got him. It totally worked.
- Yeah.

Ha ha! Very funny.

You wouldn't be laughing

if you knew what the dream
was really about.

Yeah, right.

Trust me.

I didn't tell Debra
the exact truth.

- Oh, yeah?
- What was it?

Okay. All right.

Remember Ellen Chulesky
from high school?

Oh, yeah.

She was a woman
among girls.

Well, in my class,

we used to call her
"Choo-Choo Chulesky."

So, anyway, in the dream,
it was no kiddie train.

It was just me
and Choo-Choo.

All aboard!

Oh...

then what does
"Choo-choo gone" mean?

Well, she had her way
with me and left.

Choo-Choo was gone.

Anyway, then I had to make up
the whole train thing

'cause the wife was there.

Ah, they're always there.

I didn't know Debra was
gonna go blabbing it.

I don't get it--
she has nothing better to do

than to talk about
my personal life?

Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.

That just shows the surprising
naivet? on your part.

For, you see,

it is always
the nature of the female

to gather
with other females--

And screech like a tree
full of Chinese monkeys.

Yeah well...

I don't do it to her.

I don't go around
telling everybody

that Debra burps
all the time.

Debra burps?

Yeah. Sometimes she gets
a nervous stomach.

It rocks the house.

Really?
Little Debra?

Oh, yeah.

One time, I saw her
burp a door open.

Hey. Hey.

- You know what Amy does?
- What?

Okay.

Sometimes when she laughs...

she pees a little.

What do you--

you mean, she-she pees
when she laughs?

Well, a chuckle
won't do it,

but if you really
cr*ck her up,

you might wanna put
some papers down!

Oh, man!

- Our wives are disgusting.
- Yeah.

They all got their secrets.

Wanna know a good one
about your mother?

No no no.

- We got the game.
- Don't need to hear it.

You know your mother's
famous homemade marinara sauce?

On more than one occasion...

store-bought.

- No!
- No! No way!

Yes. When she's in a rush,
out of the jar, my friends.

This is huge!

Well!

So, it's "homemade"

if you live in aisle six
at Waldbaum's.

Yeah, there you go!

Hey, look, you know
what else Amy does?

Hang on, let me
turn this thing off.

You know what?

I'm gonna make us
a pot of coffee.

This is great!

Listen, Ray,
I've been thinking a lot

about what you said
yesterday,

and I really am sorry.

I think you have
a good point.

Some things are private
and should just stay that way.

Thank you.

Apology accepted.

- Good night.
- Night.

Guess who pees
when she laughs?

I've got to tell you:
That's your worst come-on line ever.

I'll give you a clue.

First letter, "A,"
last letter, "Y,"

and don't ask me
the middle letter,

because I "M" not
going to tell you.

No!

- It's Amy!
- She does?!

Robert said if you get her
laughing hard enough,

80% chance
of flash flooding.

We have been friends
for years.

Why didn't I know that?

Maybe you're not funny.

So, wait a minute...

you and Robert
were gossiping?

Yeah--
and my father too.

You wanna know something
about my mother?

Look at you.

I've never seen you
this excited in bed.

Shut up and tell me
about your mother.

Okay. You know her, uh,
famous homemade sauce?

Yeah?

- You wanna know the secret ingredient?
- Okay.

Gasoline...

which she puts in her car
to drive to Waldbaum's

to go to aisle six
to pick up a jar of Rag?!

- No way!
- Yeah!

Wow!

Look...

I know it's a little early,
but happy anniversary!

So, your mother's a cheater.

Mm-hmm, yeah,
she sure is.

Wait a minute.

If that's what those guys
were saying about their wives,

what did you say
about me?

Nothing, I just...

I-I told them
that when you sleep,

sometimes you wiggle your nose
like a little bunny.

I do that?

Yeah yeah.

Yeah, it's cuter
on you, though.

Oh... I can't believe
you told them that.

What did they say?

They-- I think they said,
"Aw!"

Aw!

Yeah. It was cute.

You sure?

I'm telling you, for apple pie,
21 seconds.

You'll be very happy.

What's goin' on?

Just... heatin' up pie.

I'll have some,
but wash your hands first.

What's up with you?

You guys have got to get
your wives out of my house.

They're over there looking
at furniture catalogs.

I told Marie,
"At your age,

you shouldn't be looking
at any furniture,

unless it has a lid."

"Choo-Choo Chulesky"?

What?

Who is Choo-Choo Chulesky?

Ray, you'd better get back
into your microwave position.

Look, Debra...

it's not what you think!

I think you were dreaming
about another woman,

and you told me
a choo-choo train story.

No--

couldn't keep your giant
mouth shut, could you?!

I-l-l-wh--

I didn't say anything.
I swear!

Well, someone opened
their giant mouth.

I did.

I'm sure you had
your reasons.

Mom?

Your father told me

about your little fantasy,

and I felt I'd be remiss

if I didn't tell Debra
that her marriage was in peril.

Dad, why would you
tell Mom?!

I was proud of you!

You dream like a man!

That's great, Ray.

I'm telling everybody what
a sweet little boy you are,

and you're dreaming
about another woman.

Thanks a lot, Ray.

Thanks for making me
look like a total jerk!

Wait! I made it up!
I made it up!

"Choo-choo"
really was a train.

What are you saying?
You lied to them?

And here I was,
finally proud of you.

You are unbelievable, Ray.

No, you know what?
You're unbelievable.

You took something
that was private

and you blabbed it
all over town!

Yeah? You were a pretty good
blabbermouth yourself last night.

"Hey, guess who pees
when she laughs."

Guess who was right there
with me, laughing it up.

"Oh! Amy pees!
Ha ha, that's so funny!"

Yeah.

Robert?

I love you.

Amy! Amy!

Amy, listen, I'm sorry!

Sweetie, come on,
look at me!

We were all talking.
Everyone was doing it!

Debra belches
like a truck driver

and Ma uses Rag?!

Frank!

Ray!

That's what you told them
about me?! That I burp?!

You just made up
that cute little nose thing?

I didn't make it up.
Look, there it is!

Oh, all right!
All right!

A lot of things
have been said,

and I have no problem
facing the truth,

however painful it might be.

Now, about my sauce--

Frank, tell them
you're a liar.

What?

You ever want
to eat again?

I lied.

I'm a crazy old man
who lies.

Good.

And I'm glad
that you could admit that.

And you should all know better
than to engage in idle gossip.

What are you talking about?

You're the one who blabbed
about Choo-Choo Chulesky.

I do not blab!

What I do comes from love!

And if you wanna
know the truth,

Debra is the worst gossip
of us all!

Me?! You're the one
who once told me

Frank came to bed
with a toupee on for you.

What?!

This is an outrage,
Marie!

That was a hat
I found on the street.

Oh, really?

And what about what Debra
told Amy last July?

What?

Debra told Amy
that Raymond thought

that Amy and Robert's marriage

didn't have a chance in hell.

Marie,
who told you that?

Marie, I told you that
in confidence!

How could you tell Marie
I said that?

How could you tell Amy
what I told you?!

My marriage doesn't have
a chance in hell?!

Excuse me.

I didn't say
your marriage

doesn't have
a chance in hell...

the way that sounds.

All right, look.

There are certain things
a man says to his wife

when he's just trying to--
I don't know--

fill the silence!

Oh... now I understand.

You're a hateful jerk-face.

And what I mean by that

is you're hateful,
and you're a jerk-face.

Why did you have
to tell Amy that?!

I was just talking to Amy about
the stupid things men say.

We all do it.

Amy knew what I meant.
She was okay with it.

You were okay
with it, right?

Actually,
I was pretty upset.

That's why
she came to me.

Okay, see?
She was upset.

But you're
the one who said it.

Yeah--

hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You've been
walking around,

secretly thinking
I'm a hateful jerk-face,

but still acting
all fake nice to me?

I haven't been that nice.

A few months ago,
you got a haircut

and everybody said,
"Nice haircut, Ray," but I didn't.

How could you
do that to me?

- I mean, that's terrible.
- You hurt my feelings.

Still! You think somebody's
a hateful jerk-face,

you've got to tell 'em.

I have feelings too.

Hateful jerk-face.
Feel better?

You see? You made me
a hateful jerk-face.

Ray's right-- how am l
supposed to know I upset you

if you don't say anything to me?

I'm supposed to be
your best friend!

What about me?
I'm supposed to be her husband!

I'm your husband!

Don't you know,
after all these years,

to tell me immediately
when Raymond screws up?

You page me at work!

I must say, Amy,
before you came into the family,

we were all just open
with each other.

We'd say whatever
was on our mind.

And now...

we have to tiptoe
around your feelings.

That's not fair, Amy.

Yeah, Amy,
see what you did?

Ah, Jeez.
There she goes again.

Robert, get in there.

I don't know
what I did wrong.

I was brought up
to be nice.

I never say anything bad
about anybody.

What do you people want?!

All I ever wanted to do
was to fit into this family.

Oh, honey.

You do fit in.

I hate to say it, Amy,
but you do.

I'm sorry about that stuff
I said about you and Robert.

You definitely have
a chance in hell.

Thank you, Ray.

And that was
a nice haircut.

Thanks.
I switched barbers.

Aw, you see, Amy?

You do have a place
in our family.

And we will always have
a place for you.

Here you go, sweetie.

Robert,
I have to speak up.

You're k*lling me.

Women--
they're never satisfied.

Are you ready?

Oh, Frank, come on!

Don't turn around now.

It's not embarrassing.
It's funny!