08x22 - The Mentor

Episode transcripts for TV show, "Everybody Loves Raymond". Aired: September 13, 1996 – May 16, 2005.*
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
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08x22 - The Mentor

Post by bunniefuu »

All right, everybody,
you're welcome in my home,

unless you sit in my chair,
touch my remote,

or are married to me.

Frank, that's how
you talk after church?

Yeah. My prayers
weren't answered.

Next time,
pray for hair.

I hate to break it
to both of you,

but God stopped listening
to you guys a long time ago.

- What's for brunch, Marie?
- Ham.

Excellent. I shall put on
my ham pants.

We're going outside.

Okay, but stay
out of the mud.

I don't want you getting
your nice clothes all--

oh, at least
they're gone.

You want some help
in the kitchen, Marie?

Oh, thank you, Amy.

- Yeah, I'll help, too.
- Oh... okay.

Don't lean too far
into the oven, lady.

So Father Hubley had
a wonderful sermon today,

don't you think?

Yeah yeah, the old guy
can still bring the heat.

Liar. I saw you sleeping
through the whole thing.

No. No no,
I heard it.

Yeah? Okay,
what was it about?

It was about the sins

of sticking your big ugly face
in other people's business.

Have fun in hell,
Raymond.

You'll be bartending there,
don't worry about it.

I'm gonna be bartending
upstair-- damn it!

Good morning.
Does Frank Barone live here?

What did he do?

Nothing.
I-I'm just an old friend.

Friend?

Are-are you his family?

Who wants to know?

Yeah. Yeah yeah,
he's our father.

I'm Ray.
This is Robert.

Well, my name's
Sam Gilula.

I haven't seen Mr. Barone
in about 25 years.

He's a great man,
your father.

Did you say
Frank Barone?

Yeah. When I was a teenager,
I used to work after school

at the same company
as your father.

He was
a real mentor to me.

Mentor?

You sure
you don't mean tormentor?

Damn it, Marie.

The elastic is completely sh*t
on these pants.

- Mr. Barone?
- Who are you?

Sam Gilula!

"Sammy boy"
from Pelk Accounting?

Oh my God!
Sammy...

aren't you a sight
for sore eyes?

Bet it's nice to see
those pants again, huh, Sam?

It's great to see you again,
Mr. Barone.

How about this kid, huh?

"Mr. Barone"
he calls me.

You two never
called me that.

Sammy boy,
what have you been up to?

Well, actually, I'm finally
going into business for myself,

opening up my own office-supply store
right here in Lynbrook.

Maybe you've seen the signs--

"The Office Supply Bin--
Bin there, bought that."

Yeah...

yeah, I know that sign.

It's right next
to the billboard

with the bikini lady
riding the beeper.

Yeah.

So, anyway, since I was
in the neighborhood,

I just wanted to come by

and thank you for being
such an inspiration to me

all those years ago.

I owe a lot to you.

Don't mention it, kid.

You like ham?

Come on,
strap on a feedbag.

Thanks, but no, I've got to
get back to the store.

We open in a week,
and I've got a ton to do.

But it would mean
a lot to me

if you'd come by
and see the place sometime.

Well, yeah.
Well, how about right now?

Really?

Dad, we're just about
to sit down to eat.

I don't wanna take you
away from your family.

Yeah yeah.

I'll go put on
a nicer shirt.

I can't imagine what
it must've been like

growing up
with a dad like him.

You wanna take this,
or should l?

It was a magical carpet ride.

You know, it's funny,
the whole time I knew him,

he only ever mentioned
having two girls.

Well, I mean, that Sam
seemed nice enough.

- Yeah.
- I guess, but what I don't get is--

how come we never
heard about him before?

Dad never mentioned Sam
to you, Ma?

Not a word.

What if it turns out

that Sam is
Frank's illegitimate son?

Hey, yeah!

Maybe Frank's one of those guys
with a secret life.

You know, like maybe he's got
another family in Florida.

That would be the only family in Florida
trying to escape to Cuba.

That's good.

I gotta say, Dad really
seemed to like that guy.

No no. Your father
doesn't like people.

Hey, everybody.

Look what I got
at The Supply Bin.

Hey.

Here you go, kids.
Have fun with these.

What do you got?

Hey, you should see
Sam's place.

You know how many different kinds
of envelopes he's got there?

85.

32.
Don't be a wise-ass.

These are jazzy.

I'd better get back.
It was really nice to meet you all.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye-bye.

Oh, and thanks again,
Mr. Barone.

It was really great to be able
to talk with you again.

Okay, Sammy,
I'll be by the store real soon.

All right, great.
Bye, now.

Marie, ham.

On the table congealing.

You know, Frank,
just out of curiosity,

what exactly did you do
to inspire this fellow?

I don't know.

I guess I just have
that effect on people.

I think Sam's been spending too much
time sniffing the Magic Markers.

Hey, knock it off.
He's a real good guy.

I'd like to know something:

Who is he, Frank?

Who is he?

I told you, he's a kid
who used to hang around the office.

How come you never
told me about him?

I don't know.

Just tell me,
is he your son?

What?!

Oh, Marie!

We were just
joking about that.

Who was it, Frank?

Harriet Lichtmann?

Oh, come on!

Is this boy really
Sammy Lichtmann,

your love child?

Love child?!

You're nuts, lady!

Oh, yeah?

You think I don't see
he's bald?

You missed brunch today.

You missed a ham, Frank.

And in 47 years
of marriage,

you have never turned
your back on pork!

Calm down, Marie.

What the hell
is going on?!

Nothing, Dad.
It's just funny

that you had such an effect
on this guy.

I mean, he's even saying
that you were his mentor.

So?

"So."
Okay, here we go.

What's so funny?
I can be very inspiring.

Oh, now he's inspiring, okay.

Hey hey, stop laughing,
you morons.

All right, sorry, Dad.

No, you're great,
you're great.

You should tour the country

spreading
the Frank Barone gospel--

"Close Your Mind
and Open Your Pants!"

"Hygiene
and Other Wastes of Time."

"Find Yourself--
Just Follow the Smell."

You know what? We could make
some money if he goes on tour--

charge $10 to get in.

$20 to get out!

Ah!

Okay, fellas,
I think that's enough.

It is Sunday.

No no no, it's fine.

You two are
a real pair of jokers.

I'm glad
I came home for this!

Marie, I'm gonna
have brunch at the lodge!

You know,
why did I worry?

Who else would
sleep with him?

So, how are you?

Fine.

Yeah? You sure?

What, are you trying
to kick things off here?

No.

No, I just wanted
to talk to you.

Oh, I'm kind of reading.

I just thought you and Robert
seemed a little upset today.

Well, no,
we weren't upset.

No? About your dad being so friendly
with that Sammy guy?

What do we got
to be upset about?

It was funny.

"Close Your Mind,
Open Your Pants!"

I just--
I made that one up.

"We'll charge them 20--"
that one we've done before.

We've done that one.

Oh, and this whole thing
doesn't bother you?

No... Iook, what are you
looking for, okay?

I-I know you like to think

that I'm a lot more
complicated than I seem,

but please, trust me,

nothing much going on
up there, okay?

Really.
See, look, listen.

There's very little in there.

It's just a couple of golf balls
knocking up into a pair of breasts.

That's it.

So, you know, could you go analyze
somebody else, Dr. Quack,

'cause I'm fine.

Okay. I'm sorry.

By the way, what was that crap
about mentoring?

I mean, you know how
he mentored me and Robert?

He'd say, "Quit being a baby
and suck it up!"

That's right.
"Suck it up, Nancy!"

Those were his great
words of support,

second only to: "Get off
your pity pot, and act like a man!"

I heard that
when I was four,

the first time
I fell off my bike.

You know, maybe--

And then he goes
and he hugs this guy.

What is he doing
hugging this guy?

You know
when he hugged me?

The closest he ever came

was when he wrapped
his arms around me

to drag me away
from a cake he wanted,

you know?

And it was my birthday.

You know, Ray, l--

He's hugging this guy!
What the hell is that?!

- Ray?
- What?!

- You wanna have sex?
- No!

Yes!

So, Mom, did Dad and/or the ham
ever come back?

One came back
inside the other.

You don't need
to make me lunch, Marie.

I'm taking Sam to the lodge
to meet the boys.

Frank, wait.

What do you want?

Amy and I think that you

and Ray and Robert
need to talk.

Whoa whoa.
No, we don't.

We never said that.

Yes, you do.

You wanna talk about
this whole Sam situation.

You wanna clear the air
and get out your feelings.

Debra and I discussed it
at the mall.

I hate that damn mall.


Ray, why don't you start

by telling your father
some of the things

you were telling me
last night?

- You too, Robert.
- I don't need to.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

Then why'd you punch a hole
in the headboard last night?

I thought I heard
a mouse back there.

It's a good idea, Robert.

Tell your father
how he failed you.

I don't wanna hear it.
I'll be at the lodge.

No, wait, Frank.

What's troubling your sons

is that it seems
you're able to achieve

a level of intimacy
with a stranger

that they so desperately--

- No!
- Okay okay...

Don't say that.
Nobody talks like that.

Then you say it!

Come on, tell him,
Raymond, tell him.

Okay, it's just...

we couldn't help
noticing that-that...

you really like
this Sam guy

and you were an inspiration to him
and everything,

and we...

kind of got jack.

Squat. Jack squat.

Jack squat--
give me a break.

Frank, maybe this is
the attitude--

Stop!

This is the attitude!

The same jack-squat attitude

that proves the thesis
of our discontent.

I don't know what
you're talking about,

but it sounds like
fruity whining to me.

Well, we're not whining,
we're pissed off.

Yeah,
he's pissed off!

You never gave us
the time of day,

so how do you think
it makes us feel

we find out there's a kid out there
that you're actually nice to?

Maybe he was
actually nice to me!

Did you ever think of that?!

- What?
- He was nice to me!

He respected me!

You guys never did!

How could
we respect you?

How could we respect a guy
who looks at you and says,

"Stop brushing
your teeth so loud.

I'm trying to watch
'Gunsmoke"'?

You did brush loudly,
Robert.

Are you helpin' me, Ma?

I was a great father.

Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

You gave us great inspiration,
great advice--

"Quit crying!
You got plenty of blood!"

"Don't screw up-- you're big.
Everyone will notice more!"

You're done?
Goodbye!

Wait!

You can't leave this way!

Out of my way, sister.

I may be new here,

but I know this family
well enough

to know that you boys
love each other,

and I know exactly
what you need.

What are you doing?
He'll eat you.

I think you boys
need to hug.

- What?!
- Agh!

I'm getting out of here!

You hugged Sam Lichtmann,

you can hug your sons.

I hadn't seen him
for 30 years.

If you people go away
for 30 years,

I'll hug you too!

I don't wanna be hugged.

All right, I think
Marie and Amy are right.

A lot of the problems
in this family wouldn't exist

if there was
a little more hugging

and a little less yelling.

So Frank,
hug your sons!

Get over there.

- Get off me!
- What are you doing?

I'm uncomfortable
with this!

Trust me,
you need this.

Open yourself up
to genuine affection.

Your wife is so q*eer.

I know.

Okay, come on,
let's go.

Put your arms
around each other, come on.

I'm late for lunch.
The lodge will know I'm missing.

You'd better hope
that your lodge is open

for three meals a day
for the rest of your life.

If you don't hug
these boys,

my kitchen is closed.

This is the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

Marie, I want
steak tonight!

All right,
could we stop?

The smells
from my childhood

are starting
to come back.

Did we have
a monkey?

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Sorry to interrupt...
whatever you were doing,

uh, but your grandson
told me you were here.

Hey, thanks,
Geoffrey.

All right, let's get going
to the lodge.

Actually, I can't go.

There's trouble
down at the store.

What gives?

The building inspector

slapped me
with 18 code violations.

It's really bad.

Oh, that's a pity.

It's a complete disaster.

I've gotta tear up the concrete floor,
redo the electrical.

My investors
are gonna k*ll me.

I just feel like shutting
the whole thing down.

Hey, man,
that really is too bad.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Aw, boo hoo,
woe is me.

Oh, Frank!

You know what I think?

I think you ought to
get off your pity pot

and act like a man.

I mean it.
Give me a break, Nancy.

That isn't
very nice, Frank!

What did I always tell you?

- "Quit crying and suck it up."
- What?

- Quit crying and suck it up!
- That's right.

Quit crying and suck it up,
you whiny baby!

Dad-- Dad,
what are you doing?

You're right,
Mr. Barone.

- Ho ho, whoa whoa!
- Excuse me?

I'm being a wimp.
I can handle this!

Okay, then quit blubbering.
You're making me sick.

Yeah! You see, this is
what I love about this man.

My own father
candy-coated everything.

"Oh, you're great.

You can do anything.
I love you--"

blah blah blah blah.

Thank you, Mr. Barone.

I'm hungry.

You two mooks wanna get
something to eat at the lodge?

Yeah. Why not?

You don't have to
go to the lodge.

I have a lot of food here
I can make.

Oh, that's funny, Debra.

Come on, I've got some
nice big steaks across the street.

Oh!

Steak it is!

Did that hurt
your feelings a little?

Well, stop your crying

and get off
your pity pot, Nancy!

You really are q*eer.
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