09x16 - The Finale

Episode transcripts for TV show, "Everybody Loves Raymond". Aired: September 13, 1996 – May 16, 2005.
Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
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09x16 - The Finale

Post by bunniefuu »

-Sohow is it?
- Great.

How much more do we
have to eat before dessert?

This ain't your night, kid.
I made dessert too.

- Hey, Ray.
- Hi, Daddy.

Hey, Deb.


What is it?

- Oh, you just came from the doctor.
- Yes.


He said that my adenoids
have to come out.

All right, so I guess
you have to have it done.

Is that it?
That's your attitude?

- Come on.
- That's what you say?

"Go ahead, Doc,
cut that fat boy up."

Honey, I understand
that you're nervous,

but this is a very
common procedure.

And they don't cut you up.
They go in through your mouth.

Well, I don't like people
going in through my mouth!

You've been getting
sore throats for two years.

Your snoring is getting worse,
you're having difficulty swallowing...

- Me too.
- Eat your food.

We will all be so much happier
when you get this done.

- Right, kids?
- Yeah.

That's 'cause you think
Mom's gonna take

the insurance money
and buy everyone a pony.

Your throat hurts,
doesn't it?

No. No, look,
I want a second opinion.

This is your
third opinion.

Those doctors, they just want money.
I don't trust them.

I want an expert.

I got your message,

Don't let them
touch you!

I won't, Mom.

I won't.

Debra doesn't care, Ma.

She actually said that

getting your adenoids
out is no big deal.

It's a very big deal.

They want to take a piece
of my Raymond away.

I have all the medicine
we need right here.

I made you some
minestrone soup.

All right, children, you don't have to
eat any more of that.


Sit down.

Okay, here.

Now put your face
right in here,

Iike that,
and breathe in.

It's all good for you.

Marie, you really think food is gonna
take care of Ray's adenoid problem?

I think good food will.

Marie, what did you do
with that soup?

This soup is not
for you, Frank.

I've been smelling
it all day,

and then you
take it away?

You soup tease.

Come on, guys, stop.
Cut it out.

No no no.

There's enough for everybody.
Just take it easy.

The soup is for Raymond.
It's his medicine.

Why don't you just quit
babying him, Ma, huh?

They should just rip out your adenoids
and be done with it.

Yeah, just go in,
drop your drawers,

bing bang boom.

Drop your drawers?

Do you even know where
the adenoids are, Dad?

Sure, around back with
the rest of the "oids."

All right, guys, come on.

- It's a little crowded in here.
- Yeah.

You know what you need?
A bigger table.

No, I don't. I don't
need a bigger table.

I need you guys
out of here.

Aww, wook at wittle Waymond,

all upset, 'cause they're gonna take his
little adenoids out.

Forget about it.
I'm not doing it.

Yes, you are. What kind
of example do you think

you're setting for the kids?

Yeah, and while you're in there,

have the doctor look at
your unenjoyable testicle.

It's undescended, Dad.

Yes, and do you
enjoy it that way?

Raymond has
his adenoids out,

the whole world has to stop.

Oh, Robert, it's okay.

He feels better that we're here.

Oh, he has no feelings.

The only reason I'm here
is because Ma knows

that I'm the same
blood type as him.

Not everything's
about you, Robert.

And keep your
sleeves rolled up.

Maybe I had other
things to do today.

Enough. This is
what a family does.

We stick together.
We support each other.

Stop looking
at my veins!

Come on.

This week has been
bad enough as it is.

Ray's been driving
me crazy.

Last night he woke me up--
"What if the nurse's top is unbuttoned

and the surgeon
gets distracted?"

All right, stop it, stop.

I'm going to the powder
room for a moment.

And when I get back,
I expect everyone

to have a proper
look of concern on their faces.


- Debra... Barone?
- Yeah.

How'd it go?

Mrs. Barone, are there any
allergies or conditions

your husband may have
neglected to tell us about?

What do you mean?

We're having difficulty bringing him
out of anesthesia.


He should have been out by now.
He's not responding.

His blood pressure's dropped
below a certain level.

- Robert...
- What is it?

- What?
- He's not...

- What? Raymond?
- What's happening?

He's not waking up.

Let me go in there.
I'm his blood type.

No no, listen to me.
He is my brother.

I can wake him up.

- Raymond!
- Sir, sir, please.

- Hi, are you the Barones?
- My brother's in there. Raymond!

He's fine now.

His blood pressure's
returning to normal

and he's coming out of it.

This happens sometimes--
it's a form of hypertension,

but he's perfectly all right.

Thank you.

You can see him
in a few minutes.

Oh... oh my God.

- Okay, but it was fine.
- Yes.

He said it went fine.
It went good.

I noticed the nurse
was still buttoned.

Okay... okay, now listen.

What happened in there--

nobody tells Ray.

Or his mother.

Okay, here you go.

Got you every sports magazine
I could find,

including "Women's Volleyball."

Oh. Oh, well, let's see
what's going on in that sport.

So, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling good.

You know, my throat,
it hurts just a little bit.

But... this might help.

- How are you doing?
- Good. I'm good.

You want some of
my ice cream?

No. No no no.

You enjoy that.
That's for you.

I made a swirly.


I got some on my blanket
and some on my pajamas.

- I don't care.
- Oh, okay.


'cause I got some
on your pillow too.


What's up?

Nothing, just thinking.

Just... tomorrow...

everything I have to do,

all the stuff--
you know, make breakfast,

take the kids to school.

I have some
grocery shopping.

We need chicken
and some green beans...

and cereal...

and shampoo
and potatoes and...


Then I have to pick up
the dry-cleaning.

They still have
some of your shirts.

And then get the kids and...

take the boys to soccer...

get new uniforms--

they're really cute.

And I thought you could meet us
at Marco's for dinner, maybe.

You know, just get a pizza
and then go home and...

put the kids to bed...

and then maybe we
could watch a movie.

- Time of the month, huh?
- No.

No, Ray.

- No, I'm fine.
- Oh.

- Really.
- All right, okay. Okay.

You know, I could pick up
the dry-cleaning if you want me to.

I don't want you to.

You always bring home
somebody else's.


I guess this new voice,
it's pretty sexy, right?

I'm sorry, do you wanna
finish your ice cream?

Oh, it won't even
have time to melt.



What are you doing?

Just thinking.

What's the matter,
the TV broken?


Look, if you're worried

about Robert eating
that last piece of pie,

why don't you go down
and get it right now?

Frank, get the pie yourself.

I don't want the pie.

What, a guy can't just
touch his wife's shoulder?

Frank, it's late,
and I'm not in the mood.


this ain't that.

You know, I was thinking...

sometimes I say stuff,
like, you know...

"you're old,

you got a big mouth...

you're a pain in the ass."


well, now I'm in the mood.

No, I don't know
what the hell I'm saying.

It's just that I'm glad we're...

you know?

All right, Frank.

- What's going on?
- What?

Well, something's wrong.

You don't just say no to pie,
and touch my shoulder,

and think.

You have been acting weird

ever since we got back
from the hospital today.

Uh, on second thought,
I do want sex.

You're so beautiful,
I can't resist you, honey.


Since when do you say that?

Usually all I get is,
"Hey, come here a minute."

What is it, Frank?
Just tell me.

Okay, it's no big deal now,

but you gotta promise
not to tell anybody I told you.

Of course I promise.

What is it?

When you were in the hospital
and went to the bathroom,

the nurse
came out and said

they were having a little trouble
waking up Ray from the knockout stuff.


But two seconds later,
he was fine.

Perfectly fine.

My son almost dies,

and you don't tell me?!

He was fine.
Where are you going?

- What is wrong with you?!
- He's fine.

Marie, wait.

Hey, come here a minute.


Oh, Raymond.
Oh, my sweet Raymond.


Whoa, Ma.

Ma, please!

I knew one day
this would happen.


What-- what are you doing?

Marie, come on, get out of there.

Come back across
the street with me.

I'm not speaking to you.

Even better.
Just get out of there.

Frank, what did you do?

- I told her what happened.
- What?

She b*at it out of me.

Would somebody please tell me
why my worst nightmare

is coming true?!

All right, look.

You almost bought the farm
during the adenoid thing,

and your mother's making
a big deal out of it.

What do you mean?
What happened?

You had a little trouble
waking up, but it was nothing.

If it was nothing,
why didn't anybody tell me?

Well, wait a minute.

Get off me, Ma.

What happened?

Hold it.

I am the mother.

And when the mother
goes to the bathroom,

you have to tell her
everything that happened

while she was in there.

Of course you're right,

but we just didn't
want to upset you.

What about me?
How could you not tell me this?

If somebody dies,
you gotta tell them.

You didn't die.

Yeah, but what if I did?
I would have never known.

And besides, now that
I think about it,

I think I saw a light.

- Come on.
- Yes.

And also I thought I heard someone
who sounded like Uncle Gus.

Uncle Gus died
eight years ago.

How did he look?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I've been feeling
a little weird all day.

What if--

what if I lost
some brain functions

while I was under, huh?

Look at this.
Look at this.

I'm walking weird.

That's because your mother
was just on you.

No no no.

I'm walking
a little lopsided.

All right,
you're fine, Ray.

- Hop on one foot.
- Yeah?

- What's your address?
- 320 Fowler.

- What town?
- Lynbrook.

What's my birthday?


Oh my God!

No. December 9.


Wait a minute.
How about this thing?

So I guess now we'll
watch Raymond do anything.

- He found out what happened.
- Wait a minute, he knows?

Yes, and I know too, Amy.

Wait a minute.
Everybody knows?

How long was
I d*ad for?

You weren't d*ad.
The nurse came out,

said they were having
a slight problem,

and the doctor came out
30 seconds later and said you were fine.

Okay, but...
but for 30 seconds

you all thought
I might be d*ad.

What'd everybody do?

You weren't d*ad.
It was 30 seconds.

30 seconds is a long time.
What went through your head?

30 seconds--
okay, go.

"l have to plan
a funeral.

I have to raise
three kids myself.

On the other hand,
I can start dating, yeah.

You know what?
I'm gonna need some shoes.

You know who's cute?



What? I mean, what?
You didn't think of anything?

Hey. I was there and
I saw your wife fall apart.

I never saw her
look like that.

And I'll tell you, I never
wanna see her look like that again.


A little.

What about you, Robert?

What? It was nothing.

Oh, no, now I remember.

I was thinking,
with that nose

you're gonna need
an open casket.


On the way home, "You are
the Sunshine of my Life"

came on the radio,
and he had to pull over.

- Amy!
- It's okay. He's your brother.

He is not the sunshine
of anything.

We're going.

And by the way,
I pulled over

because I thought
I hit a cat.

That's right.

All right, Marie, let's go.

No, I can't go now.
Oh, Raymond...

Oh, come on, you got the rest of
your life to blubber all over him.

All right. All right.

No, just one more.

Next time this happens,
I get to be there.


You like me.

You know...

What, Ray?


Nothing, it's just...

I know.

You like me too.

Me too.

So why are you still
standing over there?

Oh, that's right,
you were all hot for me.

Maybe I didn't wake up.

Plus, after this
we've got ice cream.

- Hey, Alvin and the Chipmunks.
- Good morning.

- Hi, Dad.
- French toast. Cool.

You don't want any of that batch, Ray.
I b*rned it.

- No, I don't mind it.
- Have mine, Daddy.

- Your father's unbelievable.
- Give me my tools!


He broke my stove.

You asked me to work on it.

Yes, I didn't tell you
to hit it with a hammer.

That stove's been asking
for it for 35 years.

I don't know
where to eat now.

- Good morning, everybody.
- Hey.

Hey, what do you got
there? French toast?

No no, don't worry,
I'll make something.

- Yay!
- All right, sit down.

Uncle Robert's hungry and big,
and if you don't wanna get eaten,

move out of the way--
thank you.

- This isn't so terrible.
- What do we have here?

Here, have some fruit
in the meantime.

Who wants grapes?

Ray, I think it's getting a little
too crowded in here.

Yeah, it is.

You know what?

We need
a bigger table.

All right, who would like some
chocolate-chip pancakes?


You're being cute?
What, are you gonna

have syrup all over
your chin now, right?

Yeah, very funny. By the way,
what good was that operation

if you still sound
exactly the same, huh?

Give me my hammer.

I'm glad it sounds the same.

He's got a beautiful voice.
He could have been a singer.

Ma, where do you come up
with this? A singer.

That's right. Here, this
one's for you, Robert.

All right, stop it,
please. I'm eating.

Hey, Dad, hit me
with the hammer.

Don't tease him like that.

Ma, put bananas--
bananas in the pancakes.

- You're a wonderful singer.
- He is a wonderful singer.

Not green bananas, though,
'cause they make me all...
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