06x06 - Halloween V

[bunniefuu]

What's that?

Dead guy.

Nancy, this is
an eating establishment.

Are you crazy?

You can't tie up
a whole table for four.

He doesn't look
very realistic.

Next year
i'm springing
for a real dead guy.

Well, he looks
pretty good
to me, Roseanne.

He looks like
he d*ed in his sleep.

Give me that Kn*fe.

Yes, here at
the lunch box,

The customer
is always right.

Hey, wait.
You're not Leon.

Well...

Spiders,
blood, corpses.

You know, charmed
as I am by all
your accoutrement,

I still feel
the need to remove
the fake vomit.

Oh, it's wet.

Well, that plastic stuff
never fools anybody.

You mean this is--

No. We just
doctored up some
of the loose meat.

What did you do
to it to make it
look like that?

Surprisingly little.

Have you decided
what you're wearing
to dan's lodge party?

Well, we were thinkin'
that you and me
and Dan and Roseanne

Would go as
the cleaver family.

Oh, yeah, look at this.

I'm beaver cleaver.

And Dan gets to be
June cleaver,

And you can be ward,
and I get to be wally.

I don't know, you guys.

I kinda already had
something else in mind.

Oh, my god, you're not
going to shave your head

And go as that
stop-the-insanity
woman again, are you?

No, but I don't think
I should

Spend the whole evening
with you guys.

I don't think Dan
would have a good time.

What are you
talking about?

I don't think Dan
likes me very much.

Well, of course
he does.

Look, i'm very sensitive
to these things.

When I tell Dan
that you said that,

He is going to
come over here

And set
everything straight.

He's going to
hug you so hard

That you're going
to be leaking
silicone for days.

Then you think
he really does like me?

Yes, already.
Everybody likes you.

God,
you're so annoying.

[telephone rings]

Lunch box.

Oh. Hi, Darlene.

Hey, if this is about
you not coming home
for Halloween,

You better have
a damn good excuse.

Well, I was
in a horrible accident,

And i'm just a head.

And?

Something came up.

There's this
Halloween party here,

And the thing is
this guy asked me
to go with him,

And i'm thinking
about going.

This isn't like a date
or nothin' is it?

No, it's
no big deal.

Just please
don't tell David.

Well, gee, I don't know.

Come on. It'll be like
our little secret, ok?

Ok, fine,
i'll do this for you,

But you remember us
when i'm about

And I need help getting
your dad into his truss.

Hey, mom, thanks
for being there.

Yeah, well,
it was my shift.

Ok, bye.

Bye.

I cannot believe
what Darlene
just told me.

She's cheating
on David.

I never thought
this would happen.

We're like girlfriends.

Well, at least
the waiting is over,

And I survived
my annual Roseanne prank.

Can you imagine
the shock

When I sat down at my desk,
only to discover--

Ooh, oogie, boogie,
woogie, boogie, boogie.

[scoffs]
frankly, Roseanne,

I'm disappointed.

What's that?

Ah, that's my pranks,
dirty tricks,

And flat-out mean stuff

I plan to do
to my loved ones list.

Let's see--David,
David, David. Aha.

Well, you may want
to wear a helmet to bed.

Have you figured out
what your costume's
gonna be

For the lodge party?

I'm not going.

I mean, if Darlene
were gonna be here,

I'd give it a try

But she called and
said that she has to

Study for a test
on Halloween night.

Well, yeah. Well, you know,
that's school for you.

It's either a test
or something else.

So i'm not
gonna do anything.

Oh, but, David,

You can't
not do anything.
This is Halloween.

It's the
one night a year

Where you're supposed
to break all the rules.

And you're a conner now.

I just cannot allow you
to sit here at home

And be good and nice
and well-behaved.

People will
begin to talk.

[door slams]

Hi, honey.
I'm home.

Grr.

Ow!

I told you to get
salted crackers.

David:
i'll be outside.

Ow!

Well, what have
we here, my pet,

Your little
prank list?

Yes, but you
shall never see it.

I'm putting it
in the vault.

I'm coming in
after it.

Ha ha ho.

Gimme, gimme!

Dan?

Yes?

You should have been
at the diner today.

The weirdest thing
happened.

Like, right out
of the blue,

Nancy comes up with
this thing where

She thinks that
you don't like her.

You do so!

I'm sorry, Roseanne.

She's the most
superficial person

I've ever met.

But that's
just her facade.

She's rude and selfish.

I know, but inside
she's just a scared
little girl.

And I know
who's scaring her--

A raging bitch
on the outside.

That is no fair,
Dan.

You know all your dumb,
stupid, idiot friends
that I hate?

I like them.

Hey, Roseanne,
I pretend
to like Nancy.

Well, then
you suck at it,

'cause she's
onto you.

Nancy's aware
of other people?

You're gonna go
in there tomorrow, Dan,

And you're gonna
tell her that you
like her,

And then you're
gonna give her
a great big old hug.

Well, then,

I'd just have
to come home

And peel off
all my skin.

I'm serious, Dan.
You've got to do it.

Or else it's gonna be
two hugs

And a nice little poem.

Roseanne,
i'm not gonna
tell her I like her

Because
I don't like her.

Well, I know,

But that's why
you have to go down there

And tell her
that you like her.

You never tell people
that you like
that you like them.

The only people
that you ever tell
that you like

Are the people
you actually don't like.

Ok, i'll do it.

Really?

Course not.

The only things
you have to say
you're gonna do

Are things you
have no intention
of doing.

So, uh, Dan said that
all Nancy ever talks about

Is herself.

Well, Roseanne,
it is kind of true.

No, it isn't.

What else
does she talk about?

I don't know.
I never listen to her.

I just saw
the saddest thing.

Oh, what is it,
Nance?

See that old lady
over there?

The bent gray one?

I see her.

I have that same dress.

What was I thinking?

I hate it
when dan's right.

So what did Dan think
about all of us

Going as the cleaver
family?

Oh, he thought
it was really cool.

And he thought of a way
to make it funnier, too.

It seems as though June,
ok, is so m*nled

That it's take ward,
wally, and the beaver

To carry what's
left of her around
in a mason jar.

Wait a minute.
If Dan is going
as June,

That means he's not
part of the group.

I was right.
He hates me.

No, that's
not true, Nance.

No, he likes you,
Nancy.

It's just,
you know,

He's not that
comfortable
in high heels.

Look, if the two of you
can't be honest
with me about it,

Maybe you don't
like me, either.

No, we like you,
Nancy.

I mean, maybe
not right now,

But, you know,
other times.

Well, if you hate me
so much,

Maybe I shouldn't
work here anymore.

Leon's been wanting
to buy my share.

Maybe I should just sell.

Gotcha.

Ah...Ha ha ha.

The whole thing's
a prank me and sis
here worked up

To make you think
that us and Dan
don't like you.

Ha ha ha ha.

Boo!

So Dan does like me,

And he's going to
come here and hug me?

Oh, well...I mean
he--he wants to,

But i'm just too
jealous to let him,
you know.

So, instead he's
going to pull,

Like, this great
all-time prank
on you.

On me, really?
Oh, oh, yeah.

Huge. It'll be huge.

Really embarrassing,
too. Feel better?

I am so touched,
I could cry.

Back in a sec.

I love to watch
myself cry.

Is Dan playing
a trick on Nancy?

He is now.

Hi, Mrs. Conner.
Hi, Jackie.

Hi, guys.

Who's the skirt
with David?

Huh, nice rack.

Hello, David.

Hello, david's
little friend.

This is sally knopp.

She's on the Halloween
dance committee,

And she asked me
to draw some posters.

So we came here...

Where you are...To work.

'cause, uh...

'cause that's
what we're doing...

Workin'.

I knew you'd be here.

Can we get
some pop, please?

Well, he says
that they're working.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Well, you've gotta
feel really guilty.

You're the one
that told David

To do something
for Halloween.

I didn't know he was
going to do her.

Well, what did
you think he was
gonna do?

I don't know.

I just didn't think
it was fair, you know,

Him sittin' there
all alone.

I want him
to have some fun.

Darlene's goin' out
with some other guy.

How the hell
was I supposed to know

He could get a date
with a normal girl?

You should have
seen me.

I looked so sad.

I'm so excited
about Dan's prank.

I can't wait to see
how I look surprised.

[telephone rings]

David, here's your drink.

Here, sally.

[ring]

Oh, sorry.

Lunch box.

Hey, mom.

Oh, hi...Uh, caller.

It's Darlene.

Oh.

Uh, listen, I just
made a decision
about something.

And I wanted
to talk to somebody
who'd understand.

When I thought
about goin' out

With that other guy
it made me realize

How much I love David.

I would just feel
too guilty
dating anybody else.

Yeah, yeah, that guilt'll
really eat you up.

You know, mom,
I think it's really cool

The way we can talk
to each other now.

Well, yeah, good.

I hope you remember this,

For, you know,
in case you ever

Get, like, in a big
fight or anything.

Do me a favor.

Keep an eye on David.

Make sure he's happy.

Yeah, happy.

Ok, sure.

Will do.

All right.
Talk to you later.

Well?

Well, Darlene says

She's not gonna go out
with this other guy after all

Because she just realized
how much she loved David.

Oh, and now david's
with another girl.

And you're the one
that pushed him into it.

Man, i'd hate to be
in your shoes right now.

You know,
I hope your baby

Doesn't grow
really long fingernails,

'cause sometimes
they like to hang on
on their way out.

Well, you know, Dan,
i've been thinking,

And I got way
too mad last night,

And I was
really a pain.

And i'm sorry,

And blah,
blah, blah--
love, Roseanne.

No way. Whatever you want,
I ain't doing it.

Why, Dan, your suspicion
truly hurts me.

After I was
so nice to you, too.

Gee, I wonder
what you can do

To make it up to me.

I know!

You can play
a prank on Nancy.

God b*at me to it.

Dan, if you don't
play a prank on Nancy

To show her that
we all like her,

She might sell her shares
of the restaurant to Leon,

And then he would
be my boss again.

And this affects me how?

Maybe you forgot
what i'm like

When I work for Leon.

[whistles]

Don't care for that.

[giggling]

What the hell
is that?

Hey!

You think you would
at least ask

Before you go
gettin' into
my cheese puffs.

Maybe they were
for dinner.

Sorry. Do you
want me to go out
and get some more?

No. Don't bother.

I'll just have
to make chicken
now or something.

You done
with your posters?

Well, yeah,
but now we're
working on costumes.

See, we're going to
the Halloween dance together

As Romeo and Juliet.

Six months after
the su1c1de.

Do you want
to stay for dinner?

We're not
having dinner.

I think i'm just
gonna go.

Aww...

Call me later?

Yeah. Promise.

Gee, do you like her?

Gee, do you have to
cheat on my daughter

Using my couch
and my cheese puffs
as your wooing tools?

I'm not cheating
on Darlene.

Sally's a friend.

You're the one
who's making me

Go out on Halloween.

Yeah, but I didn't
know you were

Gonna go out
as a horny teenager.

I'm telling Darlene.

You can't.

Yeah, hey, mothers
report back

About cheating
boyfriends, David.

It's in the bible.

Try reading it.

Come on, i'm just going
to the Halloween dance
with her.

Besides,
Darlene bailed on me.

Well,
she had that test.

All right,
Mrs. Conner, fine.

Go ahead and tell her.

But if you do,
i'll know that you lied

About me being
a part of the family

'cause you'd never
screw over one
of your own kids.

D.J., come here!

Excuse me.

D.J., you know
that girl in your class

That you hate
and that you call
the warthog?

What did I
ask her to do?

To kiss me.

And did she kiss you?

Yes.

And did I have
any reason at all
for doing so?

No.

You can go play.

So, you were saying?

[banging]

Does this bother you?

Yeah.

Good! How's this?

It's ok,
but it's not...

Nearly as good
as the sound
I can make

With this pan
and a kid's head.

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Hey, hey, did you
do that for Halloween,

'cause it looks
pretty good.

Do what?

Wear them glasses.

Cut the crap, lady.

All right, everybody
do as I say and
you won't get hurt.

Put your hands
on your head.

Ohh. The great big robber
gonna scare me

With his itty-bitty g*n.

I said put your hands
on your head, lady.

I know, but you didn't
say "baldy says" first.

I'm serious!

And stop looking
at my face.

i'm looking,
i'm looking

i'm memorizing
everything

Roseanne!
What are you doing?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm getting a prank
pulled on me.

I'm being robbed
by daddy warbucks.

Shut up! Everyone,
give me your money
and jewelry,

And you,
open the register.

Ok, but there's not
a lot of money in there,

So I guess i'll
have to give you

The keys to my house, too.

You know,
it's Delaware Street.

Lady, this guy's serious.

Oh, well, then
i'd better give him
my wedding ring, too.

Roseanne, that really
wasn't a prank!

Oh, please.
It reeks of Dan.

Wrong!

That's dan's prank.
Show her, sam.

Is there really
any point
in doing this now?

I mean...

I'm a little upset.

Show her!

Oh, no, my god...

There's something wrong
with this meat.

I'm gonna be sick.

Ohh...

Aah!

Aah!

Ah ha ha.

Are you serious?
Why didn't you tell me?

I did!

I gave him
my wedding ring.

Would you please
call the police,

And i'll try to see
where he went.

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha.

I knew it.
I told you I knew it.

All along I knew it.

Stupe-nagle.

Not bad.

Not bad?
It was great.

Yawn.

See you at work, Dan.

I got a delivery to make.
Good one, Dan.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha!

Stupe-nagle?

So...

I hope you have
Nancy's prank
all ready.

Yeah, I do.
Yeah?

And i'm keeping it
right here.

[whistles]

Heh heh heh heh!

That ain't no prank.

Well, it fooled you,

So it's bound
to mystify her.

That's all she's getting,
Roseanne.

I ain't gonna waste
no k*ller prank on Nancy.

She's not worth it.
I don't like her.

Oh, man.

Hey, Nancy, wait.
You don't understand.

You know, Dan--

Oh, my god!

Ohh...

Oh, I get it.
It's my prank.

You should go
look at your face

And see how
surprised it looks.

Go, go.

Look, he's still going.

You really do like me,
and I like you--

Aah!

Eww! I hope this
fake stuff washes off.

[whimpering]

Ha. You're funny, Dan.

Ha ha ha.

Come on, i'll take you
to the emergency room.

Man, i'm never going
to the hospital
on Halloween again.

Oh, come on, Dan,

When else can you
get your nose set
by a ninja turtle?

You went too far
this time, Roseanne.

You really embarrassed me.

What's this?

[gasps]

David brought
that girl
over here again?

They're not
in the living room.

They better not be
down in his room.

Wait a minute--
oh, man.

Don't go down there
all crazy and everything.

Surprise!

Darlene, you're home!

Darlene, we didn't know
you were coming home.

Why are you guys
acting so weird?

Did I interrupt
some sort of creepy
sex thing?

Uh, yes.
Come back tomorrow.

Well, I just
came to see David.

Is he downstairs?

Ohh! This is David.

He's going
as your dad.

He's just trying
to get the nose right.

David's with
that Sally girl.

What Sally girl?

Uh, sally girl,
you know,

That's one of those
a new kids' expression

For a guy's friend.

You know,
like homeboy.

Yeah. Right now,
David's downstairs

Hangin' with his
Sally girl Mike.

No, he's not.

Sally's his new girlfriend.

They were kissing
on the couch for, like,
a million hours,

And then they went
downstairs.

Don't move.

All right, young man.

Who taught you
to tell the truth?

Sally: aah!

Stop it!
You're hurting her!

You whore!
Darlene!

You tramp! You slut!

Aah!
Aah!
Aah!

Happy Halloween.

Sucker!
Sucker!
Sucker!

[everyone laughing]

Shut up, all of you!

You scared the hell
out of me.

Pranks are supposed
to be funny.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Conner.
It was my idea.

I just wanted to be
part of the family.

Oh, well,
then I guess
i'm proud of you.

Now, give me that head.

Come on, we'll go
over to jackie's.

[demonic laughter]

oh, yeah

[demonic laughter]

oh, yeah

[demonic laughter]