02x18 - Beef's in Toyland Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

Dad, did you remember
to ask the boat mechanic

if we could add armored plating

in case a vengeful Triton
rises from the deep?

Oh, and did you ask him
if we can add

- a photo booth to the boat?
- Yeah, with fun props,

like a little top hat
and a giant mustache on a stick.

No, I forgot to ask them
about those things.

And, also, I don't want to.

All right.
Looks like the water pump broke.

Should be about a week to fix.

- I'll call you when it's ready.
- A week?

I haven't been off the water
that long

since I was accidentally stabbed
at Vera's birthday party.

That woman does not
like surprises. Or me.

A week off the boat
is gonna be hard for you, Dad.

Ooh, you could take up a hobby.

What about a mime workshop?

I think you'll find, once you
start miming, it really...

pulls you in.

Hey there, Beef.
Couldn't help overhearing.

I've got the ears of a gazelle.

I hear my neighbor Daxon's
pleasure moans every time he eats.

I'll have what he's having.

Since your boat's
gonna be out of service,

I'd love to have you aboard
my boat for the week.

- I could use the help.
- No. I mean, that's a kind offer,

but I have a lot of little things
I've been meaning to do at home.

The mitten bin is a disgrace, and
I need to reorganize the cereals.

I saw a Cap'n Crunch
in with the Cheerios

and it gave me a cold chill.

Well, if you change your mind,
just give me a holler.

Or even a loud whisper.
I'll hear you either way.

JUDY: Hey, Dad, why
didn't you take Londra

up on her offer? I know your life,
your lover, your lady is the sea.

Yeah, remember when
we went to Anchorage

and you were medically diagnosed
with land sickness?

In my opinion, a captain shouldn't
work aboard another captain's ship.

Putting two captains on one boat

is like putting two cobras
in one sack...

they might k*ll each other
and they'll definitely

- ruin the sack.
- No. Not the sack.

Dad, couldn't you let go of
your captain-ness for one day?

I wish I could, Judy, but I once worked

a day aboard my friend Gordon's boat.

His captaining style
was an absolute nightmare.

He left a bucket on the deck
and I stumbled on it.

Then I called him
"slightly reckless"

and he called me "overly worried."

- Whoa.
- I wouldn't want to get into

a vicious exchange of words
like that with Londra.

If I need to feel
the motion of the sea,

I can try standing
on Ham's beanbag chair.

Oh, yeah. And I could throw
a glass of salt water in

your face and make dolphin
noises, if that would help.

Thank you, Ham.
I believe it would.

WOLF:
Ooh, this one is from

Jeremy Piven's
Piven on the Edge line.

- What do you think?
- I like it.

I want to try a new look, but I'm
just not sure I can pull it off.

The guy who wears this hat
is a total maverick.

He's the guy that leans
against the wall

in group photos and tells
Brenda to hold his calls.

You can be that guy, babe.
Tell me to hold your calls.

- Calls my hold!
- You'll get there.

[gasps]
Honeybee, this is not a drill.

We got a five-alarm smoke show
burning up my retinas.

HONEYBEE: My God, that's
enough handsome for five men.

He's an Elite.
No, an Elite Plus.

- No, he's a Star Elite.
- Are you sure, Wolf?

We've never ranked a Star Elite
in person before.

I mean, what's a guy like this
even doing in Lone Moose?

Probably filming a movie called
Hunk City: The Mayor's a Hunk.

You know what,
I am gonna buy a hat.

But the one that touched his head.
Maybe hotness is contagious.

The science
isn't settled on that yet.

You get the hat
and snap a pic real quick,

and then we need to enter
this guy into the system.

I'm gonna delete
some of our wedding photos

to make sure
we have enough storage.

Whatever you have to do.
Just get the sh*t.

All right.
Time to do some land jobs.

♪ ♪

FEMALE VOICE:
Hey, sailor. Where you been?

It's me, the ocean.
Come back, Beef.

I wish I could,
but my boat is broken.

You can ride on a dolphin
and marry a mermaid.

Which mermaid?

- Joan Wetzel.
- I'm gonna snap out of this

and go sand that splinter
in the door frame.

No!

So, Dad, how was your day off?

- Good. I was just...
- [laughs]

Amazing.
Breaking news on our end:

there's a big-time hottie
on the loose in Lone Moose.

He's the first non-celebrity
to qualify

for our handsome man
ranking system.

So, how does your handsome man
ranking system work again?

It's pretty intuitive. But okay.
Star Elite is the best.

It's reserved for men whose
handsomeness knows no bounds.

Uh, prime Paul Newman, Clooney,

Idris Elba, Chris Pine,
Daniel Dae Kim.

The top of the tops.

Below that,
Elite Plus and then Elite.

They get the ranking
based on raw animal looks

as well as their performance in
subcategories, like Adonis Points.

That's when their face
is helped out by a great bod.

You've also got
Brooding Beauties.

HONEYBEE:
Preppy Giuseppes, Space Studs,

Dead But Doing It For Me.

Sorry, this is all pretty obvious.
Don't mean to overexplain.

- That would not be possible.
- Oh, could you rank the male

model who does all the print ads
for Cool Cuts in Ketchikan?

Ham, come on.

I would ask that you please
take this process seriously.

- I think he's cute.
- Cute?

Cute doesn't even get you
in the conversation.

Is Ronald a good-looking guy?
Sure.

Is he a Keanu? A Brad?

A Momoa? No-noa.

- Mmm, Momoa's all Adonis points.
- Judy gets it.

What about that nice young man,
Oscar Isaac?

I'm glad you asked.
He's a rare find.

And, quite frankly, he is the future.

He's a gorgeous man
whose looks let us know

what is possible
at the upper levels.

And he reminds me
of our mystery head-turner.

Ugh, I wish
we could've seen him.

Well, I may have snapped
a quick photo!

Uh, boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing.

He is the hottest guy
to ever set foot in Lone Moose.

[whispers]
What are you doing here?

BEEF: Well, Rolf and Pietr,
you're my last jobs.

Uh, yeah. Back in the
pretzel business, Rolf.

And now you won't
be cold, Pietr.

[German accent]
"You have my thanks, Beef.

Pretzels, they are my life.
But..."

[sighs deeply]

[high-pitched, accented]
"He's doing the deep sigh

because he misses the ocean."

[regular accent]
I can understand that.

[German accent] "It is true.
I was once a great captain,

with command of my own ship."

"And I was training
to be a captain

before I got stuck
in this beer stein."

"If I had a ship,
we could voyage across

"the living room's carpet to find
a new home on Fireplace Island."

"Und visit the nudie beach."
"Pietr."

"What? I just want
to take one little look."

"Well, we don't have a boat,
so it doesn't matter."

"If only we did."

[regular accent] Well, I don't know
anyone who could make you a boat,

and I myself am a grown man
who doesn't play with toys.

So good luck and Godspeed.

Okay, fine.
I made you guys a little boat,

but I'm not gonna stay here
and play with it, so...

Rolf, I am so excited for
our journey to Fireplace Island.

And you will make
an excellent captain.

Let us celebrate with a drink
of the beer from my stein.

I've been wondering
about the bathroom situation

- with the stein.
- Oh, ja, I pee in here.

I can barely taste it, my friend.
Anchors aweigh.

[giggles]

[giggles] I'm so glad that
we are doing this together

and that you never became
a captain.

Me, too. Otherwise
I would also want to be captain

und then I would not be able
to be your first mate.

WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!

Are you fellas forgetting
your Brunhelga?

Oh, sorry. We did not know
you wanted to go.

To Fireplace Island?
Everyone wants to go there.

Oh, ja, see the fireplace poker,
visit the nudie beach.

It's what our popular local song

"I Would Love to Go to
Fireplace Island" is all about.

Plus, I just refilled
my mustard jar,

- so I'm all packed.
- Wunderbar!

- Do you think you can jump this far?
- Ja, I can do it.

I'm the best jumper in my
family since Wilhemina d*ed.

From jumping.
Here I come.

"Whee...."

WOLF: I got to return this hat
and face the truth: I'm just

not the kind of guy who can
pull off a style like this. Look!

No. No, no, no, don't look.
Play it cool.

Uh, pretend to be asleep.

[whispering]
I'm sorry. I'm freaking out.

Oh, my God. It's him.

The Lone Moose mystery hottie.

FEMALE VOICE: Star Elite.

We got to talk to him.

[chuckling awkwardly]

Um... hello?

Hey! I haven't sexy you
around before.

- I'm sorry?
- Oh, uh, begorgeous.

A-Are you, uh, stunning in town?

- [groans, whimpers] Oh, no.
- Do you need some help with something?

Oh. Um, okay.

- Hi. I'm Wade.
- Nice to meet you. I'm Honeybee,

and this is my husband, Wolf.

And I'm Wolf. Uh, uh,
what brings you to Lone Moose?

A high-end modeling job?

[chuckles] No. I'm actually
here visiting my aunt.

And I wanted to come check out
the Lone Moose Mall.

I just really like shops.

And it's always interesting
to see a new parking lot.

Yeah, Lone Moose
rips so hard, brother.

Hey, Wade, we would be
terrible Lone-Moosers

if we didn't offer to buy you

a Welcome to Lone Moose
welcome lunch. Huh?

I love lunch.
I tend to eat it after breakfast.

Not right after,
but a few hours after.

Great. And we have a hookup
at the Point & sh**t.

We can get you five percent off
any family portrait set.

Oh... my... God.

Should we all go get
a group photo right now?

- Should we just do it?
- Uh, actually,

I still have some shopping to do.

I need to get one dozen pairs
of white socks.

But I guess lunch
would be okay afterwards.

Yeah, totally. Let's just see
where the day takes us.

Okay. I'll, uh, meet you
at the food court in two hours?

[chuckles]
Not if we meet you first.

I'm sorry,
did you want to meet sooner?

Two hours is perfect.
See you then.

Not if we see him then first.
[laughing]

Brunhelga, I'm so glad you
could join us on our journey.

Pietr is my first mate.
You can be my second mate.

What do I do,
spread mustard on the deck?

Dip the ropes in mustard?

Don't worry.
I'm here to help you.

I'm the captain.

Ja, we just listen to him
und everything will be fine.

It's a big responsibility
to be the captain.

So big, in fact, that
I can't express it in words.

I can only express it in...

- I hope he says "a sea shanty."
- ...a sea shanty!

♪ Well, gather around
and I'll tell you a tale ♪

♪ Of a man named me
who loves to set sail ♪

♪ I enjoy being captain
but I don't ever gloat ♪

♪ 'Cause if things go wrong,
I go down with the boat ♪

'♪ Cause if things go wrong,
he goes down with the boat ♪

♪ He's in charge of the barge,
he's the skip of the ship ♪

♪ With a pipe in his mouth
and a pretzel at his hip ♪

♪ He looks to the sea
and he looks to the sky ♪

♪ And he makes good decisions
so we all don't die ♪

♪ When it comes to captains,
I think Rolf's a genius ♪

♪ And he doesn't mind
I have no legs or penis ♪

♪ No, he doesn't mind
that I have no legs or penis ♪

♪ I'm in charge of the barge,
I'm the skip of the ship ♪

♪ With a pipe in my mouth
and a pretzel at my hip. ♪

[humming a tune]

Okay, so what's the plan?

Obviously, we become
best friends with Wade,

probably go on a life-changing
road trip together.

- But then what?
- I don't know.

- But this guy should be acting in movies.
- That's it. That's it!

Oh, we already have
a videography company,

so why not branch out into
celebrity management, too?

So we'd sign Wade as a client?

- Okay, but what does a manager do?
- We get him jobs in Hollywood.

He could be the new the Rock.

U-Uh, no offense
to the old the Rock.

Yeah, but how do we do that?

Uh, we'd probably make
some-some phone calls?

You know? To the people
who give out the Hollywood jobs.

A-And emails, of course.
Can't forget that part.

And we should probably
get an assistant.

I'm gonna be nice to her,
but every once in a while,

- I'm gonna have to be firm.
- Ooh, maybe this can help us.

There Will Be Mud:
A Hollywood Survival Guide

to Get You Winkin' Like Lincoln
by Daniel Day-Lewis.

Ooh, or maybe this one: I Did Do
That by the guy who played Urkel.

Comrades, we have
made good time,

and our voyage nears its end.

Should we sing the song
praising the captain again?

- ♪ Well, gather around and I'll ♪
- JUDY: Dad?

- ♪ tell you a tale of a man... ♪
- Oh, hi.

- Whoa. Um, what are you doing?
- [laughs]

[regular accent] I wa...
I wasn't playing with toys.

I was just organizing
this boat on the carpet

and-and now I'm done.

So, you built
our little figurines a ship?

- It seems that way.
- And you're acting out a scene

pretending to be a captain
on an imaginary boat?

- Yes, I guess I was.
- Dad, this is very weird,

but also fun
that you're doing this?

I'm all in. Can I be Pietr?

I've always wondered what it's
like to be trapped in a cup.

Remember? That's how I broke
Mom's oversized wineglass.

Oh, right, that's when she
started drinking from a vase.

- So, what's the story?
- Well, Rolf is a competent captain

with the respect of the crew.

And Pietr wanted
to be a captain,

but he got trapped in a stein.

- Hmm.
- What do you mean, "hmm"?

Maybe we should shake things up

and, uh, I'll be
the captain for a while.

[scoffs] There are two things
you don't shake up, Judy:

sodas
and the chain of command.

And now, let us
resume our voyage.

[German accent] Well, Pietr, we should
be at Fireplace Island very shortly.

JUDY: [German accent]
Hmm, I feel like we'd miss out

if we didn't visit Coffee Table Cove.

Some say there's treasure
buried beneath it.

But as the captain, I wouldn't
want to risk our voyage

when we're so close to being done.

Okay, mm-hmm, but what if I took
over as captain for a while

and you could just sit back
and enjoy the fun voyage?

No, my beer-bottomed boy,
we have been over this.

I can't just stop being a captain.

It's who I am deep down
to my little porcelain bones.

But maybe I have
captain bones, too.

You have beer bones, Pietr.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
you two are just cranky

because your systems
are low on mustard.

Everyone, open up for a scoop.

Feeling flustered,
eat some mustard.

[laughter]

Do you guys want to share
some of my plain white rice?

It's finally cooled
to room temperature.

I could put some salt on it
if you want to go there.

Actually, Wade,
why don't you share

- some things about yourself?
- Yeah. And don't leave out anything.

Give us all shades of Wade.

Okay, uh...
well, I was born in Anchorage.

Mm. Fascinating. Go on.

Uh, I love to laugh.

[cackles]

Oh, same, buddy.

- And a special skill I have...
- Here comes the boom.

is that if there are
two forks on a table,

I can always tell which one is
bigger just by looking at them.

Wow, looking forward
to seeing that, Wade.

- So what kind of work do you do?
- Oh, I'm a temp.

I guess I haven't
really found my calling,

but I'm pretty good at Excel,
so it's working out fine.

Well, ring, ring, Wade. Your
calling has maybe just arrived.

What do you know about the biz,

aka Hollyweird,
aka Tinsel Township?

Um, not much. My friend
Wendy used to have Cinemax.

Well, it's all about who you know.
Uh, do you know Tom Cruise?

Babe, he doesn't know Tom Cruise.

Listen, Wade, you ever
watch a movie and think,

- "I could do that"?
- Nope, nuh-uh.

I get terrible stage fright.
Yeah, stages are very scary to me.

I got trapped inside one
once at a magic show.

Not a deal breaker.
We're talking more

about screen than stage.

Would you consider
nudity for the right role?

Nudity?
Guys, what's going on here?

- Is this...
- A huge career opportunity?

Yes. You just relax
and have some more rice.

We got it all covered.

Have what covered? Are you
guys from the temp agency?

Is this because I changed my computer
background to Winnie the Pooh?

Serena said it was okay.
I can change it back.

Everything's fine, Wade.
Just excuse us for a sec.

Wolf, could you join me
as I refill my Mr. Pibb?

Hey, who's this Mr. Pibb guy?
Should I be jealous? [chuckles]

Just a little marriage
humor there, Wade.

Nothing to worry about.

All right, I grabbed a boat
from the toy chest for myself

and I am ready to play
whatever this is.

Oh, no need to have
your own boat, son.

Just, uh, join our crew.
We've got plenty of mustard.

Ham, why don't
you go grab Helmut

and then just jump right in?
You'll pick it up fast.

Helmut? More like, hell yes.

[German accent]
Pietr, stop staring longingly

at Coffee Table Cove.

Come join us. We are going to
roll this barrel back and forth.

HAM: [German accent]
Oh, that sounds fun!

I'll be right down.

[all screaming]

Why, God, why?!

[regular accent] [gaps] Sorry, I
just lotioned, and now he's dead.

[regular accent] It's all right.
We'll just sweep his shattered body

off the deck, and I guess

- you can be Brunhelga.
- Great.

So, Pietr, you want
to go to Coffee Table Cove?

Yes, but Captain Rolf
won't allow it,

even though I am practically
a captain myself.

[regular accent] Well, there can
only be one true captain on a ship,

and on this ship,
the captain is Rolf.

[German accent]
Well, on this one, it's Pietr.

I am off to seek treasure
in Coffee Table Cove!

Captain of my own ship,
chooser of my own destiny!

Make way for Brunhelga.

See you later, pretzel man.

[sighs]

HONEYBEE:
Babe, I hate to say it,

but Wade will never make it
in Hollywood. He's too nice.

That town will break his heart
and throw it back

- in his perfectly-proportioned face.
- We... we can protect him.

Uh, we'll just get him
strong, silent-guy roles.

Wolf, you're not thinking
straight. You're hunk drunk.

We can't be responsible for
putting that sweet, simple man

into the jaws
of the Hollywood machine.

- Damn it, you're right.
- We got to face facts.

We're running a business here.
We have to drop him as a client.

This is the bigger one!
I'm sure of it.

- Ooh, Coffee Table Cove.
- We made it!

♪ I'm still the captain,
but nobody's here ♪

♪ I would love a glass
of my friend's pee beer. ♪

MOON:
[robotic voice] Permission to board.

Hello, large space robot.

What brings you to the sea today?

Well, I got home from school,
I mean, space,

and I couldn't find anyone
and here you are,

all alone on this beautiful ship,

just as I am all alone
on my spaceship.

Was everyone else
of your kind destroyed

in a space-pocalypse
at the hands of Blaba-bork

from the Bork System?

Oh, no, I had some friends
aboard my vessel.

But they departed
and now I'm all alone.

Holy crap, what's that?

- [growling]
- Scream sound.

Scream sound. Scream sound.

Coffee Table Cove
is everything I dreamed of.

Ah, a rare treasure.
I spot a very, very old pretzel

with peanut butter floating by.
[chuckles]

Aw, this reminds me
of Rolf und his pretzels.

Were we too hard
on that son of a bitch?

- ROLF and SPACE ROBOT: Help!
- What is that sound?

Is that Rolf?
And a space robot?

- Hey, champ, how you holding up?
- Uh, I'm good.

No changes, really, since
you guys went to get sodas.

Hey, buddy, you want to go
pick out a frozen treat

from I Dream Of Creamy?

- It's on us, big guy.
- No, thanks,

If I eat anything cold,
I throw up.

Drinks, too. Everything's
got to be room temp.

Wade, listen, you strike me as
a no-nonsense kind of guy, huh?

You give it to 'em straight,
no BS, no sugarcoating it.

We don't always get
what we want in life, Wade.

I wanted a tortoise once,
but did I get it? Yes.

But it turns out
they're a lot of responsibility

and they can open some cages
with their noses,

so he crawled out,
never to be seen again.

Is that what you want?

Are you asking me
if I want a tortoise?

The important thing
is to take things day by day,

just keep showing up,
and in the end,

you'll have taught this world
a thing or two, believe me.

Just promise me you'll stay away
from Hollywood.

I have a brother in Irvine
I might visit...

- Promise me!
- I promise!

- Now get out of here.
- What?

Let's not make this any harder
than it has to be, Wade.

Just go!
Go and live your normal life!

[crying] Get out of here!

So you guys aren't
from the temp agency?

Go, Wade, go.
You'll thank us some day.

- Okay.
- And take your rice, Wade.

It'll only remind us of you.

- I'm-I'm actually done with it.
- Take it. Take the rice!

You're right.
I might be hungry later.

I'm going to the hand towel store.

Do you guys need
anything from there?

No, but thank you, Wade.
That's a very kind offer.

Well, we dropped our first client.

Welcome to Hollywood.
We're in the game now.

Now, what do you think of the blond

in the sweatband near the ferns?
Is he golden god material?

Eh, he's more
of an Everyday Evan to me.

And the quest continues.

I can't save you.
I'm made of electronics.

- I can't get wet.
- Rolf! Rolf!

Help! My pretzel jar
is pulling me under.

My sensors detect
it hates the mustard.

Keep flinging.

- [grunting]
- [growls]

Brunhelga? Pietr?

You came back, even though
you were very angry with me?

Yes, Rolf,
we like you very much.

But it would be more fun
to play on the boat

if you let us
take turns being captain.

[regular accent] Sorry. It's just
genuinely hard for me to let go.

[regular accent] I know, Dad.
But when you're the captain

all the time,
you might miss out on things,

like hanging out
with Pietr and Brunhelga.

- Or Londra.
- I see what you're getting at.

Maybe if you let someone else
lead once in a while,

- you would actually enjoy it.
- I guess it's worth a sh*t.

Maybe Brunhelga could be captain.
Or the space guy.

My name is actually...
[robot noises]

...but Space Guy is fine.

Do you guys want me to turn the
boat over with my space lasers?

BEEF: [German accent]
Wait, you have space lasers?

Why didn't you just k*ll the bear?

Oh, yeah.
Well, you live and you learn.

You certainly do.

All right, Brunhelga.
You've got the wheel. Where to?

Space Guy,
set a course for the disco.

Hey there, Beef. Come to
check on The Mighty Kathleen?

Actually, Londra, if it's
not too late, I'd like to take

you up on your offer to go
fishing with you on your boat.

Oh, great. Climb aboard.

You want to take the wheel
for a bit?

Yes. Wait, I mean, no.
This is your boat.

I'm just gonna
sit back and enjoy

this journey with my friend.

Maybe I could be
in charge of the mustard.

- Do you have any mustard?
- Of course I have mustard.

It's in the galley
right next to my cat's ashes.

Rest in peace, Dr. Dumbass.

He was a rescue, I couldn't
bring myself to change the name.

Then I believe we're all packed.

Anchors aweigh, Captain Londra!

♪ ♪

♪ You wanna know how
the game is played? ♪

♪ Here's all shades of Wade ♪

♪ I love to have a water, no ice ♪

♪ To me, juice has just
a little too much spice ♪

♪ My favorite day
of the week is Thursday ♪

♪ I had a cupcake
on my birthday ♪

♪ When I sleep
I like it pretty dark ♪

♪ I do high fives
with my friend Mark ♪

♪ Fun fact: I'm afraid of eggs ♪

♪ I also do high fives
with my friend Greg ♪

♪ Wanna know
how the game is played? ♪

♪ That was all
shades of Wade. ♪