07x01 - Quest for Fire

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to a brand new season.

Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

[cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to a new season.

I think, therefore I am,
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my assistant.

He eats, therefore
he is, Al Borland.

We have a sizzling
hot show for you today.

So, let's get cooking.

It's barbeque week
here on Tool Time.

[fanfare playing]

Barbequing goes
back to primitive times

when cavemen rubbed two sticks
together to cook their carcass du jour.

Nothing like an all-you-can-eat
brontosaurus buffet.

But stay clear of
that pudding. Plonko!

Nowadays, you can cook your
meat on this three dollar portable unit,

or cook like a king

with this $ ,
gas cooking unit.

[Tim] Built-in dishwasher,
disposal, CD player.

And, in a pinch,

an a*t*matic hibachi cook.

For purists there's
nothing like charcoal.

They think the true measure of a
man is how fast he can light his coals.

Yeah. Of course a woman thinks it's
how long a man can keep his coals lit.

There's a gentleman in
Indiana who used liquid oxygen.

He got his charcoal
ready in three seconds.

There's a handsome guy here in
Detroit who says he can b*at that record.

You may be wondering how Tim's
going to b*at that three second record.

I'm not wondering. I got
hold of my buddies at NASA.

They gave me their secret.

Rocket fuel!

Rocket fuel's made with LOX,
but this don't go on no bagel, baby.

This is liquid oxygen with
a skosche of hydrogen,

and for fun, a little
soupçon of cilantro for flavor.

We're trained professionals.
Please do not try this at home.

Ah, there you go.

Heidi, my fire-starting
device, please.

- There you go, Tim.
- Very high-tech. It's a stick.

Two-point-six seconds.
A new world record!

- Tim, it's a little
out of control.
- Don't worry about it.

- Don't panic.
- [Al] Stay away
from the barbeque!

It's OK, all right?
It's fine. It's done.

[roaring]

[Tim on TV] Don't worry about
it. Don't worry. Don't panic.

[roaring]

OK. I'm all packed.

How was the Tool Time?

Amazing. Dad just launched
a barbeque into space.

Dad has been acting
weird lately. Even for him.

You're telling me. He woke me up
in the middle of the night last night

to talk about existentialism,
vis-a-vis Tool Time.

- Dad actually used
the term vis-a-vis?
- Oh, yeah.

Then he had this great revelation
coming out of the bathroom.

"If a man flushes the toilet
and no one's around to notice it,

did it really flush?"

Boy, does he need this vacation.

I wish we were going tonight.
Lauren and her family are there.

- Did you talk to her?
- Yeah.

She says the weather's
perfect, the water's nice.

The only thing missing is moi.

That's French for "me".

What's French for "barf"?

Mark, did you remember
to pack your bathing suit?

[Mark] Let me check.

What is the deal with you wearing
nothing but black clothes lately?

I like black.

He's trying to create an image
for himself: bleak and desperate.

It's working.

Boys, go upstairs
and get your suitcases.

I want to pack the car tonight so
we don't have to do it in the morning.

- [sighing] Hi.
- [Jill] Hi.

What a great day, huh?

I did some soul-searching.

I got a brand-new power soaker.

And my barbeque grill was
spotted over Roswell, New Mexico.

Life is good.

Life sucks.

- What's wrong?
- Angela broke up with me.

- I thought she was crazy
about you.
- She was.

Now she's crazy about some
guy with a brand-new Firebird.

Oh, Brad.

With a V- ?

Mom, I can't go on this
trip. I'm too bummed out.

Come on, son. It'll do you no
good to sit around here and mope.

Well, your dad's right.

Come up to the lake and mope.

You'll have no time to
mope. None of you will.

I have a big surprise for
you when we get up there.

Guess what it is.

Seeing Angela up there is the
only surprise that'll make me happy.

OK, hint number one. This
surprise won't make Brad happy.

[Tim] Guess what the
surprise is, anybody.

[Jill] Once we get there you'll
start acting like a sane person?

[Tim] Way off. Guess again.

[Randy] We've spent the
last four hours guessing.

[Tim] You're still not
even close. [taunting]

- [Jill] All right.
- [Tim] Oh!

Now, Tim, just think
about this for a second.

If we guess the surprise

we will be depriving you
of the thrill of surprising us.

You'll be depriving us of the
joy of experiencing your surprise.

Profound, but not profound
enough, vis-a-vis the quid pro quo.

"Quid pro quo?"

Look, it's beautiful.
It's exactly the same.

Not exactly. They
fixed the plumbing.

Now, when you turn on the faucet,
it doesn't sound like mating whales.

I'm going over to see Lauren.

No. I want you all unpacked
before anyone goes anywhere.

And no one's gonna
fight over the good bed.

What does it matter? I'm gonna cry
into my pillow no matter where I sleep.

That's the spirit.

- [boys bickering]
- [Randy] I get the bed!

- [Randy] No,
I'm not sleeping on this.
- Boys! Boys!

Just put the spring
back in the mattress.

Put some duct
tape over it, all right?

Any more lip, you'll just have
to wait longer for that surprise.

Hey, are you relaxed?
Boy, am I relaxed!

No, I'm a wreck. My
oldest son is heartbroken.

And my youngest son is
dressing like Johnny Cash.

They're teenagers, doing
the same stuff we used to do.

No, it is much harder to
be a teenager nowadays.

It's more competitive, peer
pressure's more intense.

Jill! Jill! We're on vacation.

More importantly,
I'm on vacation.

[knocking on door]

Hello?

- Oh, hi, Lauren.
- Is Randy around?

Randy? Oh, for the love of Mike!

I knew we forgot something!

- Hey, I missed you.
- Hi.

I missed you, too.

I came by boat with my
friend and my little sister.

- Do you want to go for a ride?
- Sure.

Whoa. Friend?

Sister?

You know we have
extra boys around here.

I don't think Brad and Mark are
gonna be in the mood for that.

Brad, Mark, there's girls down
at the lake that want to meet you.

- All right. Hey, Lauren.
- Bye, Brad.

I love being with
you on the lake.

I love being with you anywhere.

You're really different
from your brothers.

- You're so...
- Dark?

Yeah.

I like dark.

How do you feel about "dork"?

Jenny, I'm not just
interested in looks.

A girl's gotta
have a personality.

That's why Angela
was so perfect.

That's nice to hear.

Again.

I'm sorry.

I'll stop talking about her.

I don't know what's so
great about Angela, anyway.

As I recall, she was
a blonde goddess

who cleaned your room and
worshiped the ground you walked on.

You're right. She was awesome.

This is so much fun!

So I'm told.

- Are you tired of driving yet?
- Nope.

- Are you gonna let me drive?
- No.

Do you want me to drop my pants
and moon Rev. Hicks in cabin four?

Yep.

This is so peaceful.

Yeah. I just can't wait
until we get to be alone.

Alone.

I guess when it comes
down to it, all of us are alone.

Will you shut up?

- Slow down!
- What?

Slow down!

Look out!

[girls screaming]

That wasn't the surprise!

Wow. That's a big piece of meat.

Good thing they
re-did the plumbing.

How come your girls
didn't join us for dinner?

Oh, probably 'cause they're
still picking kelp out of their ears.

Jenny hated me. You think I
talked about Angela too much?

Brad, you did minutes
on how nice her teeth were.

I loved to watch her chew.

- Will you shut up?
- Guys, come on.

Let's not fight. We're
in a place we all love.

It's almost time
for that surprise.

Thank God. I'm so sick of the
surprise. I don't care what it is.

I don't care what it
cost. I want it over.

It will be. All I gotta
do is light these coals.

[all] No!

[Tim] No peeking. Follow
me. Watch your step.

We're almost there.
Watch yourselves.

OK. Uncover your eyes.

This is the big surprise?

- This is the old lodge.
- They haven't used it
in years.

- [creaking]
- You can tell.

There's broken windows,
cobwebs everywhere.

A moose with one antler.

I know it doesn't look like
much, but it will after we fix it up.

We?

We're gonna buy this place.

We're gonna what?

We're gonna buy this, sell our house,
say good-bye to Detroit, move up here.

Surprise!

- We're really
gonna move up here?
- Yeah.

Re-do the lodge,
fix up the cabins.

Next year we'll be living here.
It'll be a whole new start for us.

I'm years old. I haven't
even finished up my old start.

Tim, you can't be serious.

Why not?

Everyone in this family has
told me they want to live up here.

Yeah, when we're .

Eighty's just around
the corner, little man.

What's the difference where we live?
I carry my emotional baggage with me.

Boys, um, will you leave
us alone for a minute?

I need to talk to your dad.

Talk may not do the trick.

Go with electroshock.

I know you're thinking this is
gonna be rough on the boys.

- You and I can
get them over the hump.
- Honey.

Did it ever occur to you

that we have this little thing
back in Detroit called a life?

That's moving
too fast, you said it.

The boys are too competitive.
Too much peer pressure.

I don't want to leave it. What
about my psychology degree?

- I'll get my Masters this year.
- So we don't move
till next year.

I've done all the
legwork, honey.

There's plenty of nutcases
up here you can shrink.

Louie at the bait shop. Flonko.

What about Tool Time?

It's time for a change.
It'll be the best year ever.

Then I'll just hand
my tool belt down to Al.

I'll have to add a
few more notches.

Listen, this whole
plan is just insane.

I don't want to be uprooted from my home
and everything we've worked so hard for.

- You don't like this idea?
- I hate this idea!

Oh, come on, Tim.

You didn't consult any of us.
You didn't consider our feelings.

That's the surprise!

The surprise will
be the day you do.

I was just trying to do something for
my family, and you don't appreciate it.

Any normal person
would see why I don't!

- Well, maybe I'm not normal.
- Maybe!

I'm going for a walk.

Whoa. What a
beautiful sand castle.

Why, thank you, my
beachcombing neighborette.

Wilson! What are you doing here?

I got a call last night that cabin
number four had opened up.

Apparently, Reverend
Hicks checked out in a huff.

Something about a full moon.

Tim.

[Wilson chuckling]

So, where is your
splendiferous spouse?

I don't know where he is.
Lately, I don't know who he is.

Yesterday when we got up here,

he announced that he
wants us all to move here.

Now that you mention it,
he has been acting odd.

He told me he was considering
becoming a part-time physicist.

- Tim?
- Mm-hmm.

Said he wants to contemplate
the origins of the universe.

Tuesdays, Thursdays
and every other Friday.

What is the deal with him?
He's all over the place lately.

Yeah. Tim reminds me
of the poet, Lord Byron.

- Byron?
- Mm-hmm.

Nah. The only poem Tim knows
starts with, "Hickory, dickory dock".

[chuckling]

No, Jill, see, Byron noted that
men of Tim's life experience

suddenly go through difficult times
and they respond in strange ways.

Byron said, "Of all the
barbarous middle ages,

that which is most barbarous
is the middle age of man".

So, you're saying that
Tim's having a mid-life crisis?

I'm not sure about that.

I do know he is at an age where he has
to come to grips with his own mortality.

I don't know. It's not like
Tim's wearing gold chains

and has a blonde on each arm.

Yet.

Well, the truth is that every
man struggles with middle age

in his own unique way.

[motor roaring]

[Tim] Whoo-hoo!

This thing is great!

- That was nice.
- Yeah, it was.

- I'm a little choked up myself.
- Me, too.

- Hi.
- Whoa.

- Cool castle.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm just k*lling time.

I've been waiting for your
father to come out of the water.

[sighing] Yep.

We always wait for
the ones we love.

Brad, you're still young.

You'll meet other girls.

I know, but how will any of these
other girls measure up to Angela?

Honey, I know this sounds trite,
but it does happen to everybody.

You're gonna find your
true love, just like I did.

I'm back and I've got crabs.

If that's true love,
I'm better off alone.

They're actually crawdads.

- I don't care. Get them away from me.
- Oh. I messed up again?

Tim, wait, hold on. I want
to say something to you.

OK, go ahead. Give it to me.

Uh... you know your whole
dream about moving up here?

I shouldn't have
dismissed it out of hand.

So, you don't think
it's such a bad idea?

Yeah, I do. But you don't,
and I should respect that.

You obviously want to make
some pretty big changes in your life.

I feel like wiping the slate
clean and starting over.

Does this have
anything to do with us?

Oh, come on. No, not at all.

I just need new challenges.

Nothing wrong with challenges.
You have to trash what's working?

I just know that there's a
lot of things I want to do.

If I don't start doing them
now I'll never get them done.

Tim, sometimes when a
guy gets to be your age,

he goes through this, um...

mid-life crisis.

Stop. I'm not going
through a mid-life crisis.

If I was, I'd be driving a Porsche
with a blonde named Chrissie.

Which doesn't sound
like a half-bad idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't have to date
Chrissie to go through this.

- There are other symptoms.
- Like what?

Like wanting to give up Tool
Time to become a physicist.

That's only part-time.

Wh...

You see how the
boys are growing.

You've got a new job.

I'm just left in the dust,

using foreign
phrases ad nauseum.

You feel like everyone else is moving
forward and you're standing still?

Maybe.

Like life is just
meaningless, without hope...

- A shell of the man
you once were.
- I'm not a shell.

- Full of desperation, pain.
- I'm not full of desperation!

I get the point.

- It's not quite that bad.
- OK.

I'm going through a tough time and
I'll figure out a way to deal with this.

Can you deal with this
without buying a lodge?

I'll try, but I want to
leave that option open.

OK.

And you know, it's not like you're
gonna have to go through it alone.

- I'll be with you.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

I want you around when I start
going through those hot flashes.

Oh.

- I hope you'll be sensitive.
- I'll try.

I'll try not to burst out laughing
when you wake up with a goatee.

I appreciate that.

I love you.

- Oh.
- What?

Did you shave this morning?

It is so beautiful here.

It would be nice to
live here someday.

Lou at the bait shop's
counting on you.

Did you really go around
looking for crazy people?

I don't have to. They find me.

Well, we should go
back and start dinner.

OK.

Oh.

Ooh. Something smells so good.

Somebody's barbequing.

Does ever...

- [man] Let's hold.
- [laughter]

More.

Boys! Boys!

Just shove, uh, that
spring back in the mattress,

put some duct tape over it.