07x02 - Clash of the Taylors

[bunniefuu]

Still peeling potatoes?

Potato.

Takes longer to peel these
things than it does to grow them.

Wow. I'm surprised you haven't
developed the Power Peeler.

Hey.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Great news.

I got accepted in a
special program at school.

I'm gonna be
counseling families.

Well, congratulations, Jill.

I am so excited.

I get to implement some of these
techniques I've been studying.

If you get stuck, try my
counseling technique.

"People, people, get over it!"

Tim, as helpful as that is,

I think kindness is a
more effective approach.

- Mom, there's no food.
- I use compassion
and sensitivity

- to nurture people,
like a flower.
- Mom, Mom!

- What?
- When are you gonna
go to the store?

I'll go when I'm
good and ready to go!

If you don't like the food in the
house, go to the store yourself or starve!

Now, that flower you
were talking about...

Did you say
"nurture" or "t*rture"?

We're having
potatoes again tonight?

Yes.

This electric potato peeler will take
all the hassle out of peeling potatoes.

[engine whirring]

[doorbell ringing]

I got it.

Hey, what's up, Ronny?

Hey, Mark, wait. Why don't
you introduce us to your friend?

Fine. Ronny, that's my
mom. That's my dad.

- [Jill] Hi.
- Hey, Ronny.

'Sup?

Was that a...?

Was that a boy wearing a dog
collar or a dog with a boy's head?

Well, I finally got my next
topic for the school paper.

I'm gonna write about what local
companies are doing for the environment.

- That's a fantastic idea.
- Why don't you write
about Binford?

They've got programs.
Recycling, water conservation...

They even tried to get
your dad to carpool with Al.

You can only love your
planet so much, honey.

Writing about Binford
sounds like a good idea.

I'll get you some pamphlets. They've
got a bunch on their environmental policy.

Probably cleared a rain
forest just to print them.

You know, Randy, I was a
social activist in high school.

I was involved in the
feminist movement.

Went to rallies where hundreds
of women b*rned their bras.

I cheered those women on.

Well, Dad, you always have been
known for your great social conscience.

In high school I spent eight months
trying to save an endangered species.

- Really? Which one?
- The muscle car.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hansen. I'm
Jill Taylor, your counseling intern.

Nice to meet you.

Well.

Before we begin,

I'd like to talk a little bit
about my methodology.

I am an avid proponent of
emotionally-focused couples therapy,

which is founded on the belief that
couples hide their primary emotions

and instead exhibit
secondary emotions,

which result in
negative interactions,

such as pursue-slash-distance,

or blame-slash-withdraw.

Serving as a defense against the
more vulnerable primary emotions.

Any questions?

Are you the only therapist
or can we get someone else?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Potatoes again.

- You bet.
- What have you done
to my peeler?

What was once electric
is now pneumatic.

[engine whirring]

I can shear pounds
of potatoes in six seconds.

[engine whirring]

You must be so proud.

I have my days. How did
your first day of counseling go?

Don't ask.

This couple did not get that
secondary reactive emotions

lead to negative interaction.

Wow.

Some people are so thick.

Dad, I was just doing some
research on Binford for my article.

- Did you read the pamphlets
I gave you?
- Then I got on the Internet

and got Pollution Watcher's top
ten list for Detroit. Binford's on here.

Binford made the
top ten? All right!

No, Dad, it's a list of the
top ten biggest polluters.

Binford?

I didn't know Binford had
a problem with pollution.

They don't have a problem!

These environmentalists
tend to overreact.

You know, just like the dentist.

Those wussy dentists that scurry out
of the room when the X-ray goes on.

Dad, it's right on the printout.

You know, just because you read it
on the Internet does not make it true.

You want to find the facts? I'll set
up an interview with Bud Harper.

You think the president of Binford's
gonna want to meet with a kid?

Maybe I'll remind him the kid's
father is Binford's biggest TV star.

Who just spent a whole week inventing
the world's stupidest potato peeler.

Get back to me with those
third quarter projections, OK?

Yeah. OK, bye.

- Hey, Bud.
- Hey, Tim, how's it going?

- Pretty good. Yourself?
- Great.

- You know my son, Randy.
- Of course, I do.

How could I
forget the little guy?

You still on the
soccer team, huh?

Uh, no, that's my
older brother, Brad.

Oh, oh, oh, you're
the karate kid.

No, that's Mark.

Oh. Well, what do you do?

I'm a journalist and I have
some tough questions for you.

You better come clean,
Bud, or your name will be mud

- in the Lakeside High Reporter.
- Oooh. We can't have that, huh?

- Can we start now?
- Well, sure.

Sure, I'll be happy to answer any
questions, young man. Have a seat.

Well, Mr. Harper,
according to my sources...

According to his sources!

[clears throat]

According to my sources, your
company has a poor pollution record.

How do you respond?

Son, Binford is a
responsible corporate citizen.

We are committed to
protecting our environment.

Then why does Pollution
Watch call Binford, and I quote,

"an egregious
environmental offender"?

Why aren't you doing anything to
reduce emissions from your plants?

He's quite the little
Dickens, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

But what the little
Dickens doesn't know is,

we're in the planning stages of a
new emission reduction system.

But even at our present rate,

all Binford plants fully comply
with government regulations.

There you have it, from the
horse's mouth. No offense.

None taken. Tim,
how's your golf game?

Pretty good. Broke .

- Yeah?
- I got two golf carts.

Well, isn't it true that Binford buys
pollution credits from other companies?

- Yes, it is.
- What are pollution credits?

Each company in an industrial zone is
allotted a certain amount of emissions.

If one company doesn't
use their entire share,

they can sell pollution
credits to another company.

- A good example
of corporate teamwork.
- It's corporate bull.

Binford's found a loophole
to pollute more than it should.

- Don't you think that's sleazy?
- Wait.

What we're doing is legal.
We won't need the credits

once our emission
control system is in place.

- How long's that gonna take?
- Roughly ten years.

- Ten years? That's a joke.
- Hey, let's not be rude here.

Wait, Tim. He doesn't
understand how business works.

You see, rushing a plan
like this could affect jobs,

and Binford's
financial well-being.

What about the well-being
of the environment?

Without clean air to breathe, you
don't have customers to buy tools.

Besides, do people really
need types of hacksaws?

People do!

Mr. Harper, I was
always taught to believe

that Binford was a
company that cared.

It seems all you care about is
making money no matter who you hurt.

I think this interview's over.

Thank you very much
for your time, Bud.

- Come on, come on!
- Dad!

You were completely out of line!

Binford's out of line, sweeping
their pollution problem under the rug,

- so they can maximize profits.
- Quiet down, all right?

When you get older you'll understand
not everything is so cut and dry.

I understand right now, Dad.

You're taking the company
line. You're a sell-out.

- You called me a sell-out?
- I called you a sell-out.

Then again, to be a sell-out, you'd
have to have principles to begin with.

Hey! I not only have
principles, I'm your ride home.

I'll take public transportation.

Hey, don't use your
fancy words with me.

It's called a bus!

I'm going out.

OK, have fun.

- [whispering]
- I'll get it.

Ronny left his
dog collar upstairs.

Oh.

Wouldn't want to go anywhere
without that dog collar.

They could throw
you in the pound.

So, Ronny, what's been going on?

Stuff.

You know, Ronny,

I know it's difficult for
adolescents to be forthcoming

with unfamiliar
authority figures.

It's understandable. Teenage
years are a particularly alienating time,

you know,
developmentally speaking.

I am the kind of person who's
interested in young people

and willing to listen,

in a non-judgmental,
unthreatening manner.

Later.

What did I say?

Stuff.

Later.

- What's wrong?
- Stuff.

Randy completely
embarrassed me in Bud's office.

He called me a sell-out.

That doesn't sound like Randy.
He's always so sweet and polite.

That's over. We'd be
better off with Dog-boy.

Hey, how was your bus ride?

Mom, I'm going
to write my article.

Not until you get
the facts straight!

So, now you're telling me
what I can and can't write?

You're acting like
some tyrannical fascist.

Did he just call me a dinosaur?

Where does he get off,
writing about Binford?

- It was your idea.
- Oh, throw that in my face.

Randy is young and idealistic.

He's gonna get carried away
with things that are important to him.

What if this is
just the beginning?

What if he tells us we can't
wear leather or eat meat?

Or he starts falling
in love with dolphins

and he says we've got
to throw out all our tuna?

I'll only say this
once. I love my kids.

But I will never,
ever give up my tuna.

Later.

[Tim muffled] Welcome
back to Tool Time

and our entertaining look
at fiberglass and its resin.

While we're waiting
for our resin to dry,

why don't we go to our
question and answer section?

All right, who has a question?

- Yes, sir?
- Has your swimsuit
calendar come out?

It just went on sale in
the Tool Time gift shop.

Can we wait till
after the show, fellas?

- [men] Aw!
- Yes?

I just put up a fence. What's the best
way to keep the wood from rotting?

Well, you want to use a sealant
that contains copper- -quinolinolate.

Easy to use, fun to say.

- Next question.
- I do.

- Yes?
- I'm re-doing
my kitchen countertops.

Can I lay the new
laminate right over the old?

You can, as long as you prepare
the surface and the countertop is flat.

Or if it has a square
backsplash, just like Al.

- Anyone else?
- I have another question.

What do you say about Binford being
one of the worst polluters in Detroit?

- Where did you hear that?
- My kid brought home an article

- from the school paper.
- I can assure you
that Binford Tools

is an environmentally
responsible corporation.

- Next question.
- Come clean, you bearded phony.

Bearded phony?

Wexlo Industries, which is
located just downriver from Binford,

didn't have to buy
pollution credits.

They reduced their emissions
and didn't cut one single job.

- I just don't have the facts.
- Then, read the article.

The facts are all right here,
in the Lakeside High Reporter.

This is where you're getting your
information, a high school newspaper?

It's time to get
back to our project.

- How about answering the man?
- [all] Yeah! Yeah!

How come every
time I drive by the plant

all that smoke is
coming out of the stacks?

[angry shouting]

They're smokestacks!

What do you expect coming
out of there? Whipped cream?

What do you want, huh?

- I think they're both in on it.
- [all] Absolutely! Yeah!

- This is a witch hunt.
- We want the truth!

- And we want it now!
- [all] Yeah!

You are out of order.

And you are out of order! This
whole audience is out of order!

You're nothin' but
a big flannel fraud!

[all] Yeah!

We'll be right back after these
messages from Binford Tools.

All right, that's it! Show's
over! Everybody get out!

[Wilson chanting
in foreign language]

[chanting] Wilson.

Wilson...

Wilson! What are you doing?

Well, I was in a state
of transcendental bliss.

I'd like you to return to the
state of Michigan, if you could.

I want to talk about this article
in the Lakeside High Reporter.

I haven't read it yet. I'm still working on
the New York Times and Calcutta Courier.

I don't get to the high
school papers until midnight.

Randy wrote an article in there exposing
Binford's poor environmental record.

I'm real angry about it.

Are you angry because
Randy wrote the article

or because of
Binford's poor record?

Both.

Not to mention the fact
that he called me a sell-out.

The information caused
a riot on Tool Time.

- I don't know what to believe.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm reminded of something the Polish
linguist Alfred Korzybski once said.

"Why can't my name be Johnson?"

[Wilson chuckling]

Korzybski said, "There are two
ways to slide easily through life:

To believe everything
or to doubt everything".

Both ways save
you from thinking.

Randy was thinking,
I'll give him that.

He sure was passionate.

But the way he presented
it was... obnoxious.

Tim, when you were Randy's age
didn't you have some burning cause

that you were passionate about?

Auto shop.

They tried to eliminate it from my
school and I fought to keep it there.

Everybody thought I was crazy.

I just fought harder.

Did it cause you to act
in an obnoxious way?

Uh-uh.

Not unless you consider hot gluing
the principal's door shut obnoxious.

Especially if the principal
was inside the office.

- And he was.
- [both chuckling]

See, now, Randy would
love to hear that story.

No, I don't talk to him about shop.
He doesn't get into that sort of thing.

But he does get into
passionate things.

Oh, yeah, he does.

Gets that from his old man.

Maybe he would like that story.

Maybe he would.

Thanks, Wilson.

You can go back to your
"transcen-dental floss" thing.

[chuckling]

Hi, Randy.

Hi, Dad.

Wait a minute. I want
to tell you a story.

- About what?
- A young boy and his goat.

That's more than I want to know.

No, wait.

The goat I'm talking
about is a Pontiac GTO

that I rebuilt in high school.

I couldn't have rebuilt
it without a shop class.

I wouldn't have had a shop class
unless I was willing to fight for it.

That was the endangered
species you saved?

Well, it was almost extinct.

But I felt passionately that kids should
have a place to work with their hands.

The school didn't want that?

It was a budget thing. But they weren't
gonna touch the music department.

I didn't relate to bass
bassoons and oboes.

I went to the principal and said,
"This will be handy. Get a flat tire,

can't use a jack, maybe you can
pump the car with a glockenspiel".

- Bit over the top, Dad.
- Exactly, it was over the top.

The way I put it,

a lot of people thought I just wanted
to destroy the music department.

All I really wanted to do
was save the shop class.

My passion got in
the way of my vision.

Dad, I never wanted
to destroy Binford.

I know, but it
came off like that.

I just got a little too intense.

You were like Jimmy
Olsen's evil twin.

And I definitely crossed a
line calling you a sell-out.

Thanks.

Maybe next time you meet
with Binford, it'll go better.

Next time?

Look, if Binford's acted
irresponsibly, Bud is the one to talk to.

And no matter, you're a
reporter. You've got to tell the truth.

Right. So, you're totally cool
with me writing a new article?

Yes. I'm not getting in the way
of your Fourth Amendment rights.

That's good, 'cause nothing sticks in
my craw like illegal search and seizure.

Hello. I'm Jill Taylor.

I'm your counseling intern.

Would you like to sit down?

I've been looking
over your case file

and I see that you're having
trouble communicating with your son?

Where is he?

You know, I think I'll be referring
your case to another counselor.

'Sup?

Later.

I am an avid proponent

of emotionally focused

[gibberish]

You've got to say,"Binford
has an environmental problem?"

I thought you said
that after. Oh, OK.

Get Pat some cheese!

OK!

That'll help. This helps.

Hold on a minute.

The goat I'm talking
to is a Pontiac GT...

[laughing]