07x05 - A Night to Dismember

[bunniefuu]

Does everybody
know what time it is?

[audience] Tool Time!

That's right! Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

- Whoo!
- [applause, cheering]

Hey. Wow.

I am Tim "The Tool Man"
Taylor. Welcome to Tool Time.

Of course, you all know
my assistant, Al Borland.

[cheering]

Thank you.

This year we're kicking
off Halloween week

with a very special event:

- Pumpkin racing.
- [man] All right!

[cheering]

That's right. On this very ramp,

Al and I will be racing our
pumpkins in the first annual

Tool Time Gourd-O-Rama.

[cheering]

- Well? We all ready?
- I was born ready.

Interesting.

Let's compare our
pumpkin-mobiles.

- [Heidi] Here you are, Tim.
- OK.

Well, mine first!

- [audience] Whoo!
- Thank you.

Well, I built my Borland beauty
according to the rules set down

by the Pumpkin-Racing Council
of Manhattan Beach, California.

It runs on independent axles

and it is powered
entirely by gravity.

And nobody knows
more about gravity than Al.

Let's take a... [laughs]

Let's take a look at
this bad boy. Yeah.

[cheering]

This is a graphite tube frame,
independent suspension.

And under the hood, a two-cycle,
ethanol-powered chain saw motor.

Excuse me, Tim, but according
to the pumpkin-racing bylaws,

section one, paragraph one,
word one, "No engines allowed."

[speaks French]

Well, sure you can joke. But for
seven years you've been putting

an engine in everything
you can think of,

and then you have
an unfair advantage.

[grunts] All right,
tell you what.

How about I give
you a head start?

Great!

Al?

[straining]

Nice advantage.

Gentlemen, start your pumpkins.

[motor revving]

I win!

Cool. Yeah. All
right, I'll be there. Bye.

Who was that?

One guy on the team's having
people over for Halloween.

He wanted to tell
me what to bring.

I don't think that Mark has
any plans on Halloween.

Could you take
him along with you?

Mom, I'm supposed to
bring the chips, not the dip.

What about you and Lauren?
You're going to a costume party.

Yeah. We're going as the scariest
people we could think of: Republicans.

- [bell dings]
- Why don't you take Mark along?

That's a little too scary.

- Hi, Randy.
- [Jill] Hi, sweetie.

How are you?

I heard that Al creamed
you in the pumpkin race.

You know, that's the trouble
with Halloween in this country.

There's too much
emphasis on winning.

I'm worried about Mark

spending Halloween
alone in the house here.

Or worse, with that weird
new friend of his, Ronny.

He's been moping around
the house a lot lately.

When I was his age, I was
always doing productive stuff.

Whether it was reading
car magazines or...

That was really
all that I ever did.

- Hey.
- [Tim] Hey, Mark.

[Jill] Oh, hi.

Hey, Ronny!

Just back from glee club?

- I need to borrow
the video camera.
- What for?

Well, Ronny and I are in a film
class and we're making a movie.

- A movie?
- Wait, wait. Let me guess.

A fun-filled romp with some
musical interlude numbers.

Fred Astaire and Ethel Mertz.

- It's a horror film.
- That sounds really cool.

I was hoping the
family'd be in it.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Gosh! I haven't acted
since high school.

'Course, that was just
a couple of years ago.

That was a joke.

Good one.

Come on, Ronny. Let's
go work on the script.

Nice talking to you, Ronny.

Well, it was encouraging.

I mean, he's finally
interested in something.

And it's gonna include
the whole family. It's good.

- Little problem.
- What?

- My contract demands.
- Which would be?

I don't work cheap. I
do not do nude scenes.

[Jill laughs]

Unless it's
integral to the plot.

- Ready?
- Yeah. Uh, wait. Yeah.

OK, we're rolling.

Halloween film, take three.

And action!

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Hi, sweetie.

How was your day
at the office, Jim?

[Tim laughs]

Peachy, Lil.

Say, I got the Dithers account.

[gasps]

Which means that
washer/dryer combo is all yours.

What a fella!

Now we can be the
family of tomorrow today.

Look, it's our two
sons, Chad and Andy.

Hey, great news, Mom and Pop!

As you know, I'm very
athletic. And today, as always,

- I scored
the winning touchdown.
- [Jill gasps]

Crackerjack, son!

That's wonderful! Have a cookie!

- Thank you.
- And how was your day, Andy?

Dandy! [chuckles] I've
been accepted into Harvard

and every other college
in the western hemisphere.

That's wonderful!

Have a cookie.

We certainly are blessed to
have two such smart children.

No, Father. It is
we who are blessed.

Because we have
such great parents.

[all] Ah!

- [Mark] And cut.
- [Tim] Ew.

Honey, [laughs] are you sure
you want it that exaggerated?

It was perfect. Come on, Ronny.

Let's go out in the
backyard for the next scene.

I thought this was
supposed to be a horror film.

- It's just one scene.
- Yeah.

For all we know, this may
be a piece of cinema history.

Oh, it's a piece of something.

Come on. We're doing
this to help Mark out.

And you know what?

Just for starting out, I think
it's a pretty damn good movie.

Not surprising.
Your favorite film

is Abbott and Costello
Meet Frankenstein.

Hey, that movie was important!
It was about relationships.

If this movie is bad, Mark
is just gonna be devastated.

He's gonna go back
to moping all the time.

Jill, you're jumping the g*n.

This movie, it's
bound to get better.

It could just be that it just
starts out with the happy family.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Once you get to know
and love us,

we get terrorized
by cannibals...

- Perfect! Yeah!
- Who rip up our flesh

- and eat us alive!
- Yeah!

A love story! I like it!

Let me in!

Let me in!

Let me in!

[both laugh]

Your face is all smushed!

You could drive a
truck up that nostril!

[Jill] These things are great!

[Wilson] Well,
hidy-ho, Taylor-teers.

- Whoa! Cool do, Wilson.
- [Wilson laughs]

So aerodynamic.

Actually, I'm dressed as a mad
scientist for my scene in Mark's movie.

You know, he's a
very talented director.

- Do you really think so?
- Uh-huh. He was very clear.

He knew exactly what he wanted.

I think it's gonna be
an excellent movie.

- What's the movie about?
- I have no idea.

Neither do we.

I just hope it's good and
he gets a positive response.

Yeah. Then maybe
he'll come out of his shell

and feel more
comfortable socially.

Well, the teen
years are difficult,

but we always manage
to get through them.

You know, when I was
Mark's age, my parents thought

that I was an odd duck.
And look at me now.

- Well, I finished.
- What did you do to it?

I modified it for my
rematch with Al. [groans]

This is the only gourd in the
city with an anti-sway bar on it.

I thought modifying was how

you got in trouble
in the first place.

I don't think so. I think
it's how Al built that track.

Come take a look at
old Tool Times with me,

and we'll look at that
episode in slow motion.

This is a classic
library, honey.

- "Repairing a Gas Heater."
- Or how to blow up a house.

Yeah. Oh, wow!
"Veneering a Table."

How to glue a
board to your head.

"Suburban House of Horrors"?

Where you b*rned down the garage

or filled the basement
with sewage?

- This is Mark's movie.
- Ooh!

- Where is he?
- He's asleep.

Really?

Too bad we promised
him we wouldn't look at it.

We could make sure
he's on the right track.

Get a better feel
for our characters.

For better performances
in future scenes.

- We made a promise.
- We always keep our promises.

- Do we?
- Not always.

I didn't think so.

- [up-tempo music plays on TV]
- Hi, honey. I'm home.

Hi, sweetie.

It's black and white. I look
good in black and white.

Unfortunately, I have
to live with you in color.

[Mark] Perfect parents.

The perfect sons.
The perfect family.

Except for the family
member they ignore.

The outcast, the
forgotten son, Clark.

But Clark's got a plan.

And when he's
done, they'll be sorry.

Very sorry.

[clears throat] Who's Clark?

[heavy breathing]

Hello, Dr. Wilsonstein.
I need a potion.

What is your pleasure, Clark?

I need something
that'll make my family

look as weird as
they think I am.

The Number Six. Selling
like hotcakes today.

- [cackling]
- [gong sounding]

You rang, Dr. Wilsonstein?

- Who's that?
- That is my assistant, Algore.

He assists me.

Algore,

I need four of my special
face-distorting potions.

I see you sampled one yourself.

I don't think so, Doc.

[cackles]

[laughing]

I don't think I like
where this is going.

Thanks to Dr. Wilsonstein,

I've turned my horrible
family into zombies.

Now I have the
whole house to myself.

- [Heidi] Oh, Clark?
- Well, almost to myself.

- More root beer?
- Don't mind if I do.

[both] Let me in. Let me in.

[Tim] Let me in.

Clark, parents.

What are you gonna
do about them, Clarkie?

I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.

It's time to say goodbye
to them... forever.

[cackling]

- [laughs] Hey!
- This is frightening.

It's twisted. It's
morbid. This kid's great!

I thought that Mark
was behaving strangely.

This is worse than I imagined.

What are you talking about?

He wanted to make
a hideous movie.

He delivered big
time. This stuff is great!

No. This film is about a boy

who thinks his parents
favor his brothers,

so he turns them into
freaks and kills them.

- It's a great premise!
- It's not a premise!

It's the way he feels about us!

Oh, stop that.

We don't favor Brad and Randy.
It's just simple Halloween fun.

No. This is a boy who has some
issues. We need to talk to him.

- We're not gonna talk to him.
- Why not?

He's interested. Let's not screw
up something he's excited about.

He's excited about k*lling us!

At least it's something.

Mom, Dad, we're almost
ready for your scene.

- This is creepy.
- This is great!

I can't wait to do this scene.

And look at this.
These little wax heads.

They look just like
Randy and Brad.

Dad!

Gosh, this is awful! I
mean, look at this altar.

And the heads in the basket.

And the fog. It's
giving me the willies.

But he's decapitated
his brothers in such a fun,

- creative way.
- We're not dead yet.

Mark just wanted to see how
our heads would look in a basket.

I've often wondered that myself.

[Brad laughs]

We're gonna go
get our costumes on.

If you were gonna be
ex*cuted, how would you dress?

Very slowly.

Think that there's any chance
that Mark really wants to...

Whack us?

I think you got
the issues, Jill.

- I know. What am I thinking?
- [laughs]

He loves us. He's our son. He
would never even think of that.

Ready to die?

[laughs] Mark, Mark, Mark.

Just because it's a
horror film doesn't mean

everybody has to
die. Make it upbeat.

Go another way.
Have the freaks dance.

Have them do some
kind of sing-along.

You're an actor, not a dancer.
Your job is to say the lines.

OK! Let's die!

Dad, you first.

Good! Good, good,
good, good, good!

Gee, thanks, Ronny.

You always want a clean
surface for a beheading.

Let me look at that blade
there. Let me see this.

All right. Now, I hope you're
using hard rubber because

that plastic looks so cheesy.

- This is a real blade.
- What?

That's a little dangerous.
Come on, now.

It's only for this sh*t.

I need the light
reflecting off the blade.

Well, what about
latex or something?

Roll camera. And... action!

- Cut!
- Don't cut!

- You ruined my sh*t.
- Well, I'm sorry.

You have to come inside and
talk to us now! Let me have that.

- I have to finish my movie.
- We'll talk for a second.

We'll be right back out.

Hold still, Ronny.

Can we make this quick?
I got a picture to sh**t.

No, no. We are not
going back out there

until we've had a talk.

- This movie has us
very concerned.
- Why?

Because it's about a boy
named Clark who thinks

his parents favor his brothers.

So he gives them a potion

and turns them into
freaks and kills them.

- Too much information.
- You watched my movie?!

We did. We shouldn't
without your permission.

Now that we have,
we're worried about you.

- In spite...
- No. The reason
your mom's upset

is she thinks that the movie

is really about how
you feel about us.

If that's true, there's
a problem here, Mark.

- It's just a movie.
- But in the movie,

the lead character feels that
his parents favor Chad and Andy.

And your mom thinks that sounds
a tad bit like Brad and Randy.

You put your father
on a chopping block

and go after him
with a real blade.

You think I wanted to k*ll you?

Well, no. Of course not. No.

Maybe. I don't know.

We don't know what's
going on with you lately.

Nothing's going on. I
mean, it's just a movie.

The last months you've
been quiet and withdrawn.

Maybe that's just how I am.

You know, I'm not
like Brad and Randy.

Nobody's asking you to
be like Brad and Randy.

- You're different. That's OK.
- It doesn't seem OK.

What do you mean?

I mean, you don't
like my clothes.

- You don't like my friends.
- OK. OK.

Look, it is hard to come
downstairs one morning

and find your son suddenly

dressing, all the time, in
nothing but black clothes.

[laughs] Yeah. And
with black nail polish.

But, you know, given some
time, we're adjusting to that.

What about Ronny?

It might take a little
longer to adjust to that.

Look, honey, just because I
may not like one of your friends,

or your movie is so
good that it freaks me out,

doesn't mean that I don't love
you as much as I love your brothers.

And we want to support you

in whatever it is
that interests you.

- You're not just saying that?
- No. Of course not.

We're your parents.
We're here to help.

- You really want to help?
- [both] Yeah.

Let me chop off your heads.

OK! As long as it's
OK with your mom.

How can we deny our
youngest son this simple joy?

- But let's use the
hard rubber blade.
- Yeah.

You think he's
gonna be all right?

He's gonna be fine.

I hope he doesn't
continue to shut us out.

No. This movie's a
good expression for him.

It's great. He's talking.

True. He did tell us something
about what he's feeling.

- Yes.
- We know he
doesn't want to k*ll us.

I wouldn't turn
my back on Ronny.

Oh, no.

[Mark] Cut. Perfect.
Just need one more sh*t.

Mark, can you take these
stockings off our faces?

They're kind of hot.

- [Mark] Sure.
- [moaning]

All right, Ronny. Move the
basket a little closer to the cauldron.

Yeah.

[Tim] I feel so much lighter.

[Jill] Yeah, me too.

And that pain I was
having in my back... gone.

- No engines allowed!
- [speaks French]

I will just have to incur the
wrath of the pump... pump...

Just because we may have
a problem with one friend,

or your movie's so good
that it freaks us out, [laughs]

doesn't mean that we don't
love you every bit as much...

[laughter]

[Jill indistinct]