07x06 - The Niece

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Home Improvement". Aired: September 17, 1991 - May 25, 1999.*
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Tim the "toolman" and his wife Jill raise 3 children with the wise neighbor Wilson.
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07x06 - The Niece

Post by bunniefuu »

Will you put down that shade? I don't want
Wilson to know about the surprise party.

You won't believe who just RSVP'd.
Albert Einstein's nephew, Corky.

- Corky Einstein?
- Yeah.

Yeah. He and Wilson went
to sleep-away camp together.

Let's not forget the most
important guest at this birthday party.

Wilson's niece.

Oh, yeah. Her too, but the '
Studebaker she's driving down here.

- That was Wilson's dad's car.
- His mom was gonna sell it.

But I convinced her...

to give it to Wilson instead.
It's a fabulous idea, I think.

And as his birthday present to
Wilson, he's gonna fix it all up.

You know, maybe if I
click my heels together,

I can get back to
Kansas before dinner.

That's a really good idea.

Is Wilson's mom coming?

No, no. She couldn't make it.
She's in Nebraska chasing twisters.

Hey, everybody! I got the photo!

Ooh, I can't wait to see this
picture of Wilson as a little boy.

[Jill] Aw.

- [doorbell rings]
- There's the Studebaker!

Will you not drool over the
Studebaker and spend a couple minutes

- being polite
to Wilson's niece?
- All right, I'll wait.

Hi, I'm Willow.

Hi, I'm Jill. It is so
nice to meet you.

Come on in. Meet
the family. This is, uh...

No, wait. Let me guess.
I'm picking up a vibe here.

Brad, Randy, Mark.

And judging by the scent of
Pennzoil, you must be Tim.

- It's -W all-weather.
- [Jill laughs]

- Can I take your bag? Whatever?
- Yeah.

Willow Wilson. Cool name.

My full name is Willow
Branch Leaf Wilson.

But I pruned it back. [laughs]

- Can I get you anything?
- No, that's all right.

I had a butterscotch
rice cake in the car.

Eating in a classic Studebaker?

I'll get the crumbs out
of there with my car vac.

Wilson's told us
so much about you.

He said that you were a
German Philosophy major.

Yes. It was a great stepping
stone to the work I do now.

- What do you do now?
- Give massages.

Very cool. [laughs]

- [phone rings]
- I'll get it.

What exactly is the connection between
German Philosophy and massage?

Read a little Nietzsche
and see how tense you get.

- Ah!
- Hold on a minute. Just a minute.

- Willow, it's, uh... It's for you.
- Oh, yeah.

I gave your number to a few
people. Is it David, Felipe or Cameron?

Is it David, Felipe or Cameron?

OK, OK. Settle down.

Sergei.

Ugh! I don't want
to talk to him.

He's an insensitive egomaniac
who refuses to share his feelings.

She won't talk to you
because you're a guy.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Wilson. Yeah. Could
you help me with the hot rod?

Well, the boys can't.
They're... being punished.

So's Jill.

Just take a minute.
Please? OK, great.

He'll be here in a
couple of minutes!

My relationship with Sergei

was outwardly passionate
but inwardly cold.

I'm sure you've been
in relationships like that.

[exhales] Tons.

- Brr.
- [Willow laughs]

Wilson's coming!

Willow, Willow, come!
Um, hide out in the garage.

- OK, OK.
- Duck down in the car.

When you pop up, don't
block the view of the dashboard.

[doorbell rings]

[Jill] Hey, Wilson. Hey,
you gotta watch your step

because we've had
an electrical problem.

- How badly was Tim hurt?
- [Jill laughs]

[Wilson laughs]

[all] Surprise!

- [Tim] Gotcha!
- Oh, my gosh!

Look at all these people!

Corky Einstein from bunk seven!

I can't believe all of
you did this for me!

Wilson, you mean so much to
me and to everybody in this room.

- Oh, thank you, Jill.
- Hey, Wilson, come with me.

I got a great surprise.
Come on! Come on!

- Happy Birthday, Wilson!
- Were you surprised?

[laughter]

All right, all right!
Come here! Come here!

Oh, my! It's a ' Studebaker.

It's a ' Studebaker Commander.
V engine, a*t*matic tr*nny.

- Tim, this is my father's car.
- Happy birthday, Wilson.

How did you get it here?

I drove it.

Surprise, Uncle Wilson.

Willow!

Oh, Willow! What
a perfect present!

We'll knock out the bumps
and fix the electrical system.

No, I was talking
about my niece.

It has been so long since I've been
around family. It is so good to see you.

It's great to see you too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Let's take a ride in the car!

Well, maybe later. Right now I've
gotta catch up with my long lost niece.

What about the long lost car?!

Oh, Rolf. Thank you for taking
time out from your psychiatry practice.

- Did you have a good time?
- I'm not sure.

I'll go home and analyze
myself and get back to you.

My mom and dad were hippies.
They split up right after I was born.

I lived with my mom in Berkeley
and then with my dad in Kathmandu.

- I was moving all the time.
- I know what that's like.

My dad was an Army colonel and we
were always moving around to bases.

Probably some of the ones
my mom tried to shut down.

[laughing] Probably. So
where do you live now?

I'm staying with friends in Chicago.
But it's just another temporary stop.

I'd love to be able to put
down roots somewhere.

You're lucky to be able
to have such a nice family.

I bet it feels great
to be grounded.

Yeah, especially when
Tim's doing electrical work.

All right, guys.
Finished with the dishes.

Who wants to go stare
at the Studebaker?

- No, thanks.
- Pass.

I think I'd rather
do the dishes again.

Excuse me, Jill. I need to go call
the airport about my flight to Chicago.

- I'll be right back.
- OK.

Oh, great punch. Great presents.

Great party.

Oh, Jill, it was so
hard to say goodbye.

Well, maybe you shouldn't
say goodbye to everybody.

- What do you mean?
- I was just talking to Willow,

and she really wants to
set down roots somewhere.

And I know this guy who lives alone
and could probably use some company.

Well, I don't think she and
Al would get along together.

Honey, I'm talking about you.

Well, nothing would make me happier
than to have Willow move in with me.

Why would a vibrant young woman
want to live with her middle-aged uncle?

Wilson, you are not some old fogy.
You're fun and you're family to her.

Well, I got a flight first
thing in the morning.

You mind taking me to
the airport, Uncle Wilson?

Well, not at all, unless you'd like to
stay in Detroit for a while... with me?

Wow! That's really nice.
I don't know what to say.

"Yes" would be good.

I've got tons of space. I
could clear out my Tiki room.

The Tiki room.
That is a great room.

And the parrot that lives in there
now just doesn't appreciate it.

I should warn you I'm not
the easiest person to live with.

I keep very odd hours
and I'm a little eccentric.

So is the parrot.

Well, I'd be willing if you
would. What do you say?

- Tell Polly to pack her bags!
- [Jill] Yeah!

Let's go for a ride
in the Studebaker.

I can't talk about the
Studebaker. Willow's moving in,

and I've got to get her settled.

Willow's moving in? It took a lot
of work to get the Studebaker here.

He wants to spend
time with his niece?

Tim, I know it sounds
ridiculous, but to some people,

family is more
important than cars.

Well, immediate family, sure.

But Willow is just
his brother's daughter.

The Studebaker
is his father's car.

You should be happy for Wilson.
He's finally got some family in his life.

Oh, finally? What
am I, smoked chub?

Where did he get the idea
he needed family anyway?

Jill, Uncle Wilson said it was you
who suggested that I stay with him.

I just wanted to thank you.

So it was you all along.

That's really hitting me below
the belt, I'll tell you that right now.

Hi. Welcome back to Tool
Time
and our special guest,

classic car collector,
George "Sparky" Anderson.

Now, Sparky, you've been
restoring automobiles for years.

How are classic cars
different from modern cars?

They're older, Al.

I mean, you gotta be at least
years old to be a classic car. Right, Tim?

- Right.
- And they don't
have the features:

Cruise control, anti-lock
breaks, uh, air bags.

They drive like trucks,
sometimes get worse mileage

- and harder on the environment.
- Why would anyone want
a classic car?

[both] Because
they're cool! [laughing]

- I mean, these aren't
just vehicles.
- No.

These are works of art. I mean,
Tim, what would you rather own,

- a Buick or a Botticelli?
- A Buick.

It's hard to get Italian parts.

You're right, Tim. You're right.

Uh, in order to demonstrate,
I brought along a video

that shows some of my
favorite classic automobiles.

- Heidi, the video
monitor, please.
- [music plays]

- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi. Let's take a look.

Oh, look at that beauty.

' Olds coupe.

Four thousand
pounds of Detroit steel

- storming down the street.
- Boy!

Reminds me of Al's mom
looking for a smorgasbord, huh?

If I was to buy a classic car,
you know what it would be?

- What, Al?
- An "Al-fa Romeo."

Moving right along here, um...

That's a ' Chevy
Bel Air, isn't it?

Oh, look at that grill. She almost
looks like she's smiling at you.

The first time I was in the back
seat of one of those, I was smiling.

[laughs] You were with a girl.

No, I was just happy
to be in the back seat.

- Hm.
- I was kidding about
the Alfa Romeo.

- I know.
- I'd really like
a Cadillac Al-Dorado.

Or maybe an Al-Camino.

How about a Mercedes S-Al?

- Let's move on to the next car.
- Let me ask you a question.

Let's say a guy bends over backwards to
give a guy a ' Studebaker Commander.

- Oh, I love that car.
- Good design. It is.

And that same guy offered
to restore it for the first guy.

- I love that guy.
- That's right.

And then the second guy has a
distant relative show up. Let's say...

a niece. Who are you spending
time with, the niece or the car?

- Please, Tim! Isn't it obvious?
- It is to me. But tell the audience.

I'd spend time with the niece.

Nothing more important
than family, right?

Yes, exactly my
point. Of course it was.

We'll be back with more
questions after these messages.

Binford is proud to welcome our
new sponsor, Saginaw Cheese.

[all] Cheese, it's good!

- What smells?
- It's Brad.


What have you been doing,
rolling around in carpet freshener?

It's my new scent: patchouli. I
happen to know Willow likes it.

I'm gonna ask her to
go to the coffeehouse.

Better ask for a table outside.

So, what makes you think she's gonna
want to go to a coffeehouse with you?

Because after a guy like Sergei,

she's gonna want a man that
makes her feel secure and centered.

Like a high school
junior who reeks?

Maybe I should wash this stuff
off. I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey.

[sniffing] Ah, thanks
for vacuuming.

- Hi, honey.
- [Jill] Hi.

There's a guy on Tool Time
that shares your point of view.

That all watermelons
should be seedless?

No. That spending
time with one's niece

is as important as spending
time with one's classic car.

Oh. Well, duh.

Wilson is having such a good
time with Willow being here.

They've been going to
museums and poetry readings.

Last night they went to the
Estonian Comedy Festival.

They're famous for
their comedy over there.

[foreign accent] I am
Yergi. Welcome to the show.

I stayed at hotel so small my
goat had to sleep standing up.

- [Jill laughs]
- But I kid!

No. Willow, she's just like the
daughter that Wilson never had.

It's the best that
happened to him.

He's in his yard. I'm
gonna go talk to him.

There's no rush to
fix up that Studebaker.

I'm ready whenever he's ready.

[shudders] Hey, Wilson.

He's getting his costume for the
Renaissance Faire we're going to.

- Hi, Willow. That sounds like fun.
- Yeah.

So did the Ethiopian puppet
show and karaoke night at the VFW.

I've been to the VFW
thing with him. Yeah.

Nothing quite like two retired
admirals singing Muskrat Love.

Well, maybe next time,
you can go in my place.

I'm, um, going back
to Chicago tomorrow.

- Oh. What's Wilson
think about that?
- He doesn't know yet.

I figured I'd wait till after the
Renaissance Faire to tell him.

I'm afraid bad news
might affect his jousting.

What happened? You guys
were having so much fun together.

We were at first. But
now I'm feeling smothered.

He wants to be with me
every minute of every day. It's...

It's too much for me.

Have you tried talking to him?

It wouldn't do any good. The men
in my family are very controlling.

It doesn't seem right to just
skip out on the guy, though.

I don't think I have a choice. I
believe it's the Bhagavad Gita that says,

"A bird can only soar if
the sky has no bounds."

[grunting] Oh, yeah.
I can see it. Yeah.

You can understand how
being so confined invalidates me,

how it negates the
very core of my being.

[grunting] Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

- The heart goes with...
- See?

- See, you do understand.
- [grunting] Oh, yeah. Perfectly.

Why can't Uncle Wilson be
like you? You take in everything.

And then with a wise knowing
grunt, you convey your empathy.

[grunting] Well, it's just
something I do naturally...

If only every man
was as evolved as you.

[grunts] Yeah. It's
unfortunate, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, you're not gonna
believe this. I'm evolved.

And, um, Willow is gonna leave.

Oh, my God! She's leaving?
Wilson is gonna be crushed.

I tried to talk her out of it. All she did
was quote from In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

- What did you say?
- I tried to...

Hidy, hither and yon, good neighbors.
How fare ye this glorious eve?

How fare we? We
fare fine. How fare ye?

I've got an hour before
the Renaissance Faire.

How would you like to
show me the Studebaker?

Oh, great idea! I've always
said that there's nothing better

for companionship than a car.

When have you ever said that?

Tim, why don't you take Wilson
in the garage and show him

how fulfilling his life will be now that
he's sharing it with a classic automobile?

- Ah, got ya.
- Yeah.

Come hither. We will
repair to my repair shop.

- Verily, sire. Lead on, MacTim.
- [grunts]

There she is. With this Studebaker
by your side, you'll never be lonely.

Yes. When we get it all fixed up,
Willow and I can go on trips together.

Well, you could, but this
particular model of Studebaker

runs a lot better with
just one person in it.

You know, Tim, you and Jill
have been acting strangely.

Something very odd is
going on around here.

You know, a lot of guys couldn't
get away with that codpiece look.

But on you? Fantastic.

There's something you're
trying to tell me. What is it?

None of my business.
You should talk to Willow.

Willow?

She's... she's...
she's kind of unhappy.

- That's all there is?
- She feels like you're
smothering her.

- That's it?
- I think she wants to leave.

- Leave?
- [knock, door opens]

Hi. How do you like my costume?

Going as Mrs. Gutenberg.

I've never seen a
lovelier Bible printer's wife.

Uncle Wilson, what's wrong?

Tim, did you say
something to him?

I didn't mean to. He was... He
was fiddling with his codpiece

and it just popped out.

No. [laughs] Let me
rephrase that. What I...

I'm sorry, Uncle
Wilson. I, um...

I don't know how to put this.

- But there's this quote
from Joseph Conrad.
- The fat guy who played Cannon.

No, the novelist.

He said, "We live as
we dream... alone."

Yes. And as the French
essayist Montaigne said,

"In solitude alone can
man know true freedom."

You know what's interesting?

When you speak real slow like
that, French sounds a lot like English.

So... so you understand
what I'm saying?

Yes, I do. And, Willow, even
though I want you to live your own life,

- there's something
that I have to say.
- What's that?

I really want you...

to consider the
words of the Bible:

"He who is alone and falleth..."

"hath not another to
help him up." Ecclesiastes.

"Everybody loves
somebody sometime."

Martin-comma-Dean.

Willow, I'm sorry
I smothered you.

But I'm just kind of
new at this family thing.

So am I. I'm just not
used to this much attention.

Willow, I'd like you to stay.

Maybe we should give
this another chance.

And if, uh, you need any
advice, I'm right over the fence.

Thanks.

You know, Tim's a very wise man.

[grunting] Oh, yes. I know.

Let's say you're working on
your classic car in your garage.

You're hot and sweaty and
you need instant refreshment.

- What do you reach for?
- [all] Cheese!

- Oh, but not just any cheese!
- [all] Saginaw Cheese!

Cheese, it's good!
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