07x10 - The Dating Game

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, looking good, Al.

Thank you. I've been experimenting
with those new volumizing shampoos.

- Mm-hmm.
- Now I've got fluff!

Oh, guess what?

I ran into Ilene
at the health club.

- I am so happy for her.
- Happy about what?

- You haven't heard the news?
- What news?

- Nothing, nothing.
- Heidi, come on, come on.

- Come on, what news?
- Al, she's engaged.

- What?
- You know, I could've
heard it wrong.

- I...
- Oh, boy, engaged?

That happened so fast.

She...

Ilene's changed her
whole life around.

And, and... I've done...

nothing.

But, your hair looks so good.

Does everybody
know what time it is?

- [all] Tool Time!
- That's right!

Binford Tools is
proud to present,

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, whoo!

[audience cheering, clapping]

Thank you, Heidi.

Thank you, studio audience,
welcome to Tool Time.

I am who I am,

I am Tim "The Tool Man."

And, of course you all know
my assistant, Al Borland.

Today we're talking
about sharpening tools,

'cause as we all know, a
dull tool is a useless tool.

And nobody wants
a dull, useless tool.

So what do they do?
They just replace it with a...

more exciting, probably
better looking tool.

Or they sharpen it.

Which is what Al and I will do
today, showing you how to sharpen

with this professional
Kn*fe-sharpening system...

Al? Got a minute?

Got the whole rest of my life.

It'll just be me, all
alone with my tools.

A guy could do worse. [chuckles]

Let's start with
garden tools, can we?

The simplest way to do that
is use a two grit whetstone. Al?

Huh?

What's the matter with you?
Are you on that all-corn diet again?

Uh, to sharpen your
garden tool, you'll wanna...

take the whetstone, uh,

across the surface of the blade,

in strong, smooth strokes,

following the, the
curve of the blade.

In a former life, Al was
a motivational speaker.

Let's talk about knives,

these are chef's knives,
stainless steel with carbon in them.

They're very expensive,
so a good rule is

not to use too much pressure.
Pressure must be exact.

Well, what do you know
about pressure? You know.

I'm almost
and I'm still single.

You keep this up, you'll be
, single and unemployed.

As I said, these knives are
pricey, you want to pay attention, Al.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm just saying,
with proper care,

these tools can always be a
precision cutting instrument.

Great show, everyone.

Almost.

Al, what's the matter with you?

I just found out
Ilene is engaged.

Ooh, that's the problem. Oh.

- I thought you were over her.
- I am.

But, the point is,
she's moved on.

She's... found somebody else.

All I've done is switched
to a shampoo with jojoba.

What do you expect, a woman
to pop out of a Prell bottle?

Al, you're a bouncin'
and behavin' guy.

- You just gotta get out more.
- Well, I get out.

Heck, I'm over at your house
twice this week for dinner.

I mean get out and meet some
women. You gotta get back in the saddle.

- [sighs] You're right.
- I know I'm right.

- What am I waiting for?
- What?

- Back in that saddle!
- Saddle!

- Back on that horse!
- Horse!

Lasso that future Mrs. Borland.

Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay!

[both shouting]

Howdy! You wanna
go out Saturday night?

[tapping keys]

So, when's dinner?

: , same time it's
been every night this week.

Al, um, weren't you supposed
to have a date tonight?

Well, it wasn't really a date.

This lady selling Amway
said she might call back.

Wow.

Shouldn't you be home,
waiting for the call?

No, I gave her this number.

And if she doesn't call
back, that's alright too.

'Cause I'm here with the people
I love and people who love me.

[door opens]

Borland, you still here?

[shouts] Boys, dinner's here!

So, chicken, huh? Uh-oh!

You always forget
the moist towelettes.

Do I? Where is my mind?

Not to worry, I got some
emergency towelettes in the car.

Emergency towelettes...

and he can't get a date?

- Chicken.
- Oh, no.

- You know how much
Al likes chicken.
- Al likes anything.

Just hide the drumsticks
so we don't all starve.

Tim, this is ridiculous. He can't
just spend all of his free time here.

I've got a paper due Friday,
I can't get any work done.

He's driving us nuts.

He keeps following me around,
asking me how I meet women.

Amazing. A grown man
as desperate as Mark.

I've got to find him a woman.

Why doesn't he
go on the internet?

He tried that.

He ended up having coffee with a
-year-old stripper named Vince.

Got the towelettes!

I also found some
packets of hot sauce

in case tomorrow night
we go "south of the border."

Al... it's not that we don't
love you coming over for dinner

- night after night after night.
- After night.

But, um, I was thinking
that maybe, I don't know,

you could go out into
the dating world again.

Have you ever considered
going to, like, a singles bar?

Oh, I tried that once.

I spent the whole
night alone at the bar...

building a fort out
of swizzle sticks.

Well, Al, you can't go to
a singles bar by yourself.

You need to take a friend with you, that
way you feel more relaxed and confident.

- I don't have
any single friends.
- What about Wilson?

- How about Benny?
- No, no, no, no.

We wanna attract
women, not repel them.

Well, OK, then, then, just
take a married friend, take Tim.

Excuse me?

Yeah, Tim would be willing to
go bar-hopping with you tonight.

- I would?
- That's great! Alright!

Hey, hold on a minute,
excuse me a second.

Back the open
marriage mobile up, OK?

You want me to go
out and look for women?

Well... oh, either that or

we could just have Al
here for dinner every night

for the rest of our lives.

Dad, if you love your family,

you'll go to the singles
bar, cruise for chicks.

Tim, you gotta hurry up and get to the
bar before all the good women are taken.

OK.

Aren't you the least bit worried
some woman might fall for me?

[laughing] No.

You're only gonna be there long
enough for Al to meet somebody.

That's not long enough for anybody
to fall... you gonna wear this tie?

What's the matter with this tie?

Well, it's fine for business, but it's
no good if you wanna get some action.

I'm not looking to
get any "action".

I know, but Al is and you're
supposed to be part of a team.

You gotta go upstairs and change
your pants. Wear those black jeans.

- The tight ones?
- Oh, yeah.

You gotta show off
that butt, you know?

- Why would I show off my butt?
- For Al!

I'm beginning to think going after another
woman wouldn't be that bad of an idea.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, well, OK.

You don't trust me, we'll just go
get a totally objective opinion, OK?

OK, Tim, spin for your
neighbor one more time.

What do you think? He's going
out. I want him to look good.

She says I should
wear tighter pants for Al,

I say I look fine,
what do you say?

Well, how does Al
like his men to dress?

It's not for Al, it's
for the single women

they're hoping to pick
up at the singles bar.

Oh, silly me, how could
I have missed that?

- It's not as bad as it sounds.
- I hope not.

Al's been really lonely, he's hanging
around our house way too much.

So, I volunteered Tim to go with
him to a singles bar for moral support.

I think this is ridiculous.

Well, Tim, there is no sacrifice
too great to make for a friend.

In the words of the very famous
wise men, KC and the Sunshine Band,

"Shake your booty."

Easy to say, it's
not your booty.

Actually, I've gone to far greater
lengths to help out a friend.

I remember when I was in
Japan, my old flame, Miyoshi,

was too ill to attend
a cooking contest.

So I donned her kimono,
applied a light blush,

and submitted her spinach
wasabi rice cakes to the judge.

So, for a friend, you
dressed up as a woman?

Oh, absolutely. I walked
away with first prize.

And a marriage proposal from
the vice president of Toyota.

- So, you see my point?
- What?

Go stuff yourself into those jeans,
then we'll talk about pick-up lines.

I can use the same
pick-up line I used on you.

I don't think she's really gonna
like, "Sorry I hurled on your shoe."

[music playing]

Wow, look at this place!

It's so hip and happenin'.

What am I doing here?

Same thing every
other guy is doing.

Trying to find a nice, decent
woman in a meat market.

All the women are so beautiful.

What are they
gonna want with me?

I don't know. Why don't you ask
those two girls over there looking at you.

[sighs]

- Come with me.
- You don't need me,
you're a celebrity.

- Hi.
- [both giggle]

[stammers] Uh, Tim, I believe
you had something to say?

Hi.

Yeah, that was it. Hi.

- I'm Kathy.
- I'm Donna.

And, you would be...

Good one!

You are from out of town?

No, we've lived in
Detroit all our lives.

Oh, well, have you seen
a show called Tool Time?

- No.
- Uh-uh.

- What is it?
- It's a very popular
television show.

- Oh. Cool.
- Really? Wow.

- And I'm the star.
- [both] Wow!

- Oh!
- Wow!

- Terrific.
- Yeah.

Anyhoo, where was I?

- Sheboygan - Sheboygan, yeah.

The autograph hounds would
not give me a moment's peace.

Oh, wow.

It must be wonderful to work
with a star of Al's magnitude.

What do you do on the show?

He assists me.

Actually, I stand around

and he takes sh*ts at my
grossly overweight mother.

- I've always had
a thing for sidekicks.
- Hmm.

Something salty?

But I think you're cute
enough to be the star.

We gotta go.

- Al.
- Huh?

You got that beard
moussing at : a.m.

- What are you talking about?
- We don't want
to be late for Jill.

- Jill's my boss.
- Oh.

- Oh, uh... I...
- You know, I gotta
get going anyway.

Well, Tim, you know, if you
feel like hanging out a little longer,

then I could always just drive
you to work in the morning.

What kinda car do you got?

Tim.

Morning? Well, then you would...

Well, [clears throat] it was great meeting
you. Maybe we can get together again?

Hey, who knows? In the future,
down the line, our paths may cross.

How about tomorrow night?

[both] We'd love to!

That's great! Then the four of
us have a date right here at : .

I can't wait.

- Don't worry about the drinks,
they're on me.
- [both] Thanks. Bye.

What are you thinking
about? You got me into a date!

Well, I wanted to see Kathy again
and I didn't want Donna to feel left out.

And you... You were so cold to her,
she probably thinks you're not interested.

I'm not interested,
I'm married, you idiot!

Well, that's no excuse
for bad manners.

Let's talk about bad manners.

Lying for two hours saying
you hosted Tool Time?

[stammering] Ok, I did, but I can clear
all that up tomorrow night on our date.

Perfect. While you clear that up,
clear up why I'm not gonna be there.

No, no, no, you have
to come with me. Just...

fly with me one more
time, you're my copilot.

I'm not spending the
night here with a beautiful

woman who worships
the ground I stand on.

I'm gonna spend
the night with my wife.

Hey, Dad, you all ready
for your big date tonight?

It's not a date, I'm actually
breaking up with her tonight.

Already?

That was a short romance.

There was never a romance,
there never will be a romance.

Well, not with that attitude.

Fellas, the only reason I'm
going down there tonight,

is I don't trust Al to tell
that woman I'm married.

Maybe it's me, but shouldn't you have
told her you're married on the first date?

And you're supposed
to be our role model.

Whoa! Why are you wearing that?

- For the date I'm going on.
- You can't wear that.

If these pants were any tighter, my
navel would be under my Adam's apple.

Well, I know. I want
you to wear looser pants.

- You look way too sexy.
- I thought you wanted me
to look sexy.

To pick up a woman,
not break up with one.

So I dress like a slob?

Yeah, just dress the
way you normally do,

the rest will take
care of itself.

So, Kathy, what is it like

working for a company
that manufactures spools?

It's great.

Really? Where do
you learn about spools?

Spool school?

I'm gonna tell her
the truth right now.

And then you go
to graduate spool?

Just wait till I make
another date with Kathy.

- Tim, how do you feel
about marriage?
- Hate it.

What?

- Wow, how about kids?
- I had a vasectomy.

Really? That is terrific.

Well, it's not as
much fun as it sounds.

I have always felt that
marriage was very confining

and that kids greatly take away from
the raw power of the sexual experience.

[moaning]

Have you noticed the
mustard stain on these chinos?

I'm not looking at the
mustard, I'm looking at the buns.

Hello! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have to go to the little mechanics
room, Al, you wanna join me?

- Huh?
- Go change our oil.

- Huh?
- Flush our coolants.

What?

Pee.

- This charade's gotta stop.
- What?

We gotta tell those
women the truth.

Wait till after the
shrimp cocktail.

I'm tired of lying. I
hate her touching me,

I can't pretend to be
something that I'm not.

Perfect timing. Look, the
shrimp cocktail just arrived.

- Hey, before we eat...
- Hey, Tim, look! Tiger prawns.

[both growling, laughing]

Before we eat, I want
to make a confession.

You're not really
on TV, are you?

No, no, we are. But,
Tim is actually the star.

Yeah, they call
me "The Tool Man."

Ooh, I bet they do.

They call me the
married tool man.

Aww, man.

- But, but it's not his fault.
- No.

You see, I, I was
recovering from a break-up

and I was feeling uneasy
about dating again.

- So, I asked Tim to...
- Deceive my best friend?

And you lied to me.

Well, I hope this
doesn't affect our future.

It can't. Because
there is no future.

- [sighs]
- Just checking.

Does your wife know
you're at a singles bar?

It was her idea.

Oh, you showbiz people are sick.

[sighing]

I hate the single life.

Well, this singles thing is
a lot tougher than I thought.

I should never have lied to her.

No, you shouldn't
have lied to her.

But, she liked you for a while.

She did, didn't she?

It was a good first step.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't
have been here to take that.

Thanks to you, Tim, I... I've
gained my confidence back!

And I learned
something about spools.

You don't need me to find
women. You're, you're...

[chuckles] ...check out : .

No, : .

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Al Borland and I
would like to buy you a drink.

Oh, I don't drink.

Mostly I just sit here building
forts out of swizzle sticks.

Hello, again. I'm Richard.

You like jazz?

Not to worry, I've got
emergency towelettes in my car.

Emergency toilettes.

He can't get... toilets.

What's the matter with you
you just got... [unintelligible]