07x11 - Bright Christmas

[bunniefuu]

This will be my most
exciting lighting display ever.

The guys at the power plant will be
working overtime for this bad boy, huh?

You might want to read this
flyer. I found it in the mailbox.

It's from the lighting
contest committee.

"Because certain rooftop
displays have exceeded the bounds

of prudent energy
consumption and good taste,

this year's lighting contest
will be strictly regulated."

They're pulling the
plug on you, Dad.

What makes you think
this has to do with me?

It says right here, "To be referred to,
henceforth, as the Tim Taylor clause".

This is bunk. This
is bunk. Come on!

"Electricity is limited to
two -amp breakers."

Who can work with that?
"No bulbs over watts."

Ha, ha!

"Maximum height
of elves, three feet."

What kind of elf
is three foot tall?

This one's gonna k*ll you.

"Nativity scenes may include only
characters mentioned in the Bible."

Which means no
more Three Stooges.

Those were the Three Wise Men.

Really? Then why were they
poking each other in the eye?

To break up the trip.

What is that smell?

I'm making us a
special Christmas cake.

It's really cool. It's got pineapple
and mangoes and papaya.

It's a fruitcake.
Everybody hates fruitcake.

I know that. This is not a fruitcake.
This is a Christmas cake with fruit.

"Cake with fruit." Reverse that.

- "Fruitcake."
- Don't take it out on me

just 'cause the neighborhood put
the kibosh on your lighting display.

You say "ki-bosh,"
I say "pish-tosh".

- I got Wilson to be my partner.
- To help you do the roof?

No, no. He's gonna give
me two -amp circuits.

He's not decorating his roof. I
get his allotment of electricity.

I get more wattage.

It means I can make elves
the size of Shaquille O'Neal.

I can't believe Wilson would go
along with this after reading that flyer.

I'm not sure he read it.

Where are the boys? I need help.

Picking up Mom from the airport.

Listen, um... when she gets here
I want you to be extra nice to her.

Oh. Now you tell me. I
just short-sheeted her bed.

No. You know, I want this to
be a really great holiday for her.

It's the first one since Dad d*ed,
and she's bound to be depressed.

If anything will lift her spirits, it
will be the new lighting display.

Guess who's bearing
frankincense this year?

Come here. I want
you to see this.

Look.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

It's your mom and
dad at their wedding.

I found it in her house after
the funeral, so I had it restored.

I'm gonna give it
to her for Christmas.

They did a nice
job restoring this.

They were able to airbrush
a smile over your dad's scowl.

No, that's a real smile.

You said he never
smiled at their wedding.

No, he never smiled
at our wedding.

- Oh, Tim! Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas, Lillian. How are you?

- It's good to see you.
- Hi, Mom.

- Hello, baby.
- Can I take your coat?

- It's so good to see you.
- Merry Christmas. I love your hair.

- You look gorgeous.
- It's so cute.

How was the trip back
with Brad from the airport?

It was a lot less scary
than when I ride with Tim.

I never knew Detroit
had stop signs.

Roundish red things.
Yeah, I've seen them.

Oh, Jill, the tree
looks beautiful.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

Well, except for
this spark plug here.

That's right. Every year Tim
sneaks auto parts onto the tree.

And on Easter we
have a muffler hunt.

Mom, there's a present that I
want you to open while we're alone.

Oh, no, no. It's
not Christmas yet.

No, this one's kind of personal.

I want you to open it while there's
not a lot of other people around.

Speaking of having other people around,
there's something I need to ask you.

Would you mind if I invited a
friend to join us for Christmas?

- Oh, a friend!
- He's really very nice.

He.

His name is Parker
and he's an engineer.

He's going to be visiting people
in Detroit during the holidays.

Is... Uh... Mom?

What are you saying? You're
seeing someone? Like dating?

[chuckling] I guess that's
what you would call it.

We've been going out
together for a couple of months.

I really like him.

- Would it be all right
if he joined us?
- Sure. It's fine, it's great.

Whatever's gonna make
your Christmas good for you.

I can't tell you how happy that
makes me. I was nervous to tell you.

Oh! Well, now you've
told me and now I know.

So, there's nothing for
anybody to be nervous about.

Let me show you his picture.

I brought a picture along
with me for you to see.

Here it is.

He has a duck tail and
you're wearing a poodle skirt.

Yes, it... it was Fifties Night

at Karaoke Pete's
Tandoori Kitchen.

Oh!

Parker does a mean
Blue Suede Shoes.

Yeah, I... I see
he's wearing some.

He's... He's just a wild man.

[chuckling]

Now, how about that
Christmas present?

Oh. You know, now that I look
at this, this isn't the right one.

I'm gonna have to look
for it and give it to you later.

All right. I'm going to call Parker
and tell him that he's invited.

- I can't wait
for you to meet him.
- Me, too.

[door opening]

- [door closing]
- Look at this.

A Partridge in a pear tree.

Tim.

Mom just told me that she's...

bringing a date for Christmas.

Why doesn't she bring a whole box?
You can put them in your "Christmas cake."

No. Come here.

His name is Parker. She's been
seeing him for a couple of months.

[quietly] Wow.

That's, uh, kind
of soon. I mean...

- How do you feel about that?
- Well, I was in shock.

I mean, I'm starting to give
her this photo of her and Dad,

then she starts talking
about this other man.

I didn't feel I could give it to her.
Do you think I'm overreacting?

No. I think you're
taking this very well.

My mom waited years to start
dating and I still think it's too soon.

It's obviously a little awkward
for me, but it's not about me.

So I'm gonna be supportive and when
Parker gets here we'll be hospitable.

It'll be easier for me. He's
not shacking up with my mom.

Whatever I can do to help.

See, Parker, here's my problem.

Even with... Even with
Wilson's allotment of electricity,

I still can't get these mechanical
things to work properly.

If I'm reading this right, this
doesn't say anything about voltage.

- [grunting] Huh?
- You can use a volt line
for your appliances

instead of the standard .

It takes the same -amp
breaker, but doubles your power.

[grunting] Yeah. Double your
power, double your fun. Oh, oh, oh!

Let's go to the garage.

Would you like to know
where Parker and I met?

Uh-huh. OK.

In the frozen vegetable
section of the supermarket.

Nothing says romance like
a bag of frozen succotash.

We chatted a little
more in paper goods,

and ended up exchanging
life stories in pet food.

By the time you got to
checkout, you were an item?

It didn't go quite like that.

You want to know what
we did on our first date?

Yeah, sure.

Parker took me dancing.

- I thought you hated dancing.
- No!

Well, it was your father
who didn't care for it.

Do you and Parker
go dancing a lot?

Every Saturday night.

A couple of weeks ago he took me
to a square dance festival in Austin.

You drove up for the day?

Well, actually we
made a weekend of it.

It's a great idea. I'll run
a line from the garage.

Parker figured out how to get more
electricity and not break the rules.

- This guy's sneaky. I like him.
- You're pretty sneaky yourself.

You figured out how to
use a motor from your dryer.

You're taking apart our dryer?

I'm taking apart
the dryer for you.

It's for the holidays.

You won't have to do laundry
until way into the new year.

Guess what, Tim asked
me to come to Tool Time.

[Lillian] Oh, that's wonderful.

Just remember, if Tim uses words like
"tweaked" and "souped up" and "uh-oh,"

you run like hell.

If we're gonna make the
Johnsons' for dinner we better go.

Oh, they're Parker's
oldest friends in the world.

I'm a little nervous
about meeting them.

- They're gonna love you.
- Oh.

- How could they not?
- Wait. What time are you
gonna be home?

You don't have to wait
up, honey. I have my keys.

- See you later. Have fun.
- [Lillian] Bye.

Parker's a great guy.

Hey, how would you feel about
him becoming part of the family?

You throw pretty
good for a girl.

What do you got
against Keith Partridge?

He's not dating your mother.

I just... I can't believe
the way that she's acting!

It's like Dad never
even existed.

And the way she goes on and on about
her tawdry square dancing weekend.

Come on, it's just
square dancing, honey.

I could just see the two of
them, do-si-do-ing around naked.

It gives new meaning to the
words, "Grab your partner".

And you! You! You! You're going
out of your way to be chummy with him!

I'm being hospitable because
you, you, you asked me to!

You asked him to
come to Tool Time.

You never asked my
father to come to Tool Time.

Your father hated Tool Time.

He'd never go. He said, "I'd
rather watch a test pattern."

How come you never took my father's
suggestions about the Christmas lights?

Jill, your father never gave me
suggestions. He gave me orders.

OK, yeah, he was gruff.

He was a very difficult person, but
that doesn't make this any easier.

It seems like Mom's happier with
Parker than she ever was with Dad.

That's not the case. It's
because it's a new relationship.

I've got to talk to Mom
about this thing, the way I feel.

- No, no, don't.
- Why not?

It's Christmastime. It's no
time to tell people how you feel.

Does everybody
know what time it is?

- Tool Time!
- That's right.

Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Thank you.

Wow, what a good audience.
Good for you. Thank you, Heidi.

Welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Yule Man" Taylor.

Of course, you all know
my assistant, Al Borland.

- [cheering]
- Thank you.

Well, it's almost Christmas,
and Christmas is a time...

[both] ...for giving.

Right. And for you
last-minute shoppers,

the "Tool Man" here's got a
selection of last-minute gift ideas.

And to start us off, we have
the Binford Sleep Enhancer.

It's for you guys who
can't drift off to sleep.

It produces sounds to
help you deep, deep sleep.

We have "Primeval
Forest," "Babbling Brook"...

Boring. Boring. I like this one.

[racecar engines running]

Ahh.

Indy cars going
miles an hour. [snoring]

All right. What do we have next?

I have a big surprise.
I'll be right back.

In the meantime, why don't we look
at some stocking stuffers from Binford?

This year, say "Merry Christmas"
with how-to videos starring Tim and Al.

Right. Show your loved ones how to
get rid of that annoying hum from lights

in Silence of the Lamps.

And learn when to use nails
instead of adhesives in Glueless.

And my personal favorite,
The Nutty Compressor.

They loved this one in France.

And Tim has one
more gift to show us.

He said it was a red wagon.

What would a grown man
want with a little red wagon?

[engine revving]

Oh, boy.

Wilson, what are you doing?

Well, I'm trying to
black out my windows

so I can finally get some sleep.

- Insomnia?
- No, no, no. "Timsomnia."

- [chuckling]
- [Tim] Here they go!

[electrical buzzing]

Do not look directly
into the Jesus.

Oh. I brought you a present.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, boy, that's heavy.

Jill, is it fruitcake?

No, it's not a fruitcake!
It's a Christmas cake.

It's made with mangoes
and papayas and...

Oh, hell, it's a fruitcake!
Fruitcake! Fruitcake! Fruitcake!

[sighs]

I'm sorry, I'm just upset
about this whole thing

with my mother and
her new boyfriend.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Tim says I should wait till
after the holidays to talk to her,

but I'm acting so crazy. I'm throwing
baked goods at Keith Partridge.

I don't know. What do you think?

Well, he's no Greg Brady, but...

No!

I mean, what do you think
about whether I should talk to her.

Well, I agree with
the poet William Blake,

who said, "I was
angry with my friend

I told my wrath
My wrath did end".

Yeah, but if I talk to her it
could ruin her Christmas.

If you don't, it could
ruin everybody else's.

Wilson, I want to show
you Santa's sleigh.

- Not now.
- It'll take a minute.

- Just a couple minutes.
- I want to show you.

What if I say the wrong
thing and she gets hurt?

Well, she won't if you just express
yourself in a sensitive and tactful way.

[electrical buzzing]

Tim, will you keep your
freakin' Santa out of my yard?!

Merry Christmas, honey.

Oh, Merry Christmas, Mom.

I told Parker to come over
around : if that's not too early.

Fine.

Jill, are you feeling OK? You
seemed a little quiet last night.

Mom, I have to talk to
you about something. Um...

I hope that you don't
hate me for saying this, but

I am uncomfortable
with you dating.

Oh, I see.

It doesn't have anything
to do with Parker. It's just...

so soon after Dad's death.

Well, it seemed soon to me, too.

That's why when Parker first asked
me out in the grocery store, I said no.

I thought it would be disrespectful
to the memory of your father.

So, you waited till you
got to the parking lot?

For your information, I
turned Parker down for weeks.

I spent a lot of sleepless
nights feeling guilty

for even considering
going out with him.

Mom, that's what
you should feel!

I mean, you were married
to Dad for years!

It was years.

And seven months. I don't need
you to tell me how I should feel.

Excuse me. I'm having some trouble
having to see you with another man.

It just seems like, I don't know,
like Dad has just been replaced.

Replaced?

Jill.

Your father could
never be replaced.

He's still so much
a part of my life

that it takes everything I've
got to let someone else in.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I just... I hadn't anticipated
how hard it would be for me to...

not have Dad here for Christmas.

Well, it's hard for me, too.

I mean, as much as I'm trying
to move on with my life, it...

[sobbing] Not having him
around just tears my heart out.

Oh.

You don't know how
happy that makes me.

Well, not happy.

- That sounded awful!
- I know what you mean, honey.

Oh, Mom.

Oh, now, come on now, come on.

Remember when you girls were little
and your father would get up on Christmas

and make his famous
apple pancakes?

Oh, yeah.

As soon as he left the
room we fed them to the dog.

Do you think that's
what k*lled the dog?

[laughing]

Well, it was sweet
of him to do it for us.

And nice of him to pass his
cooking skills along to me.

- Mom.
- Hmm?

You remember I wanted
you to open that present?

- Oh, yes.
- Would you do that now?

- Yes, thank you.
- Here.

Here you go.

Oh, look at that. There's
an air filter and a gas cap.

Oh, Jill.

I found it in your house
and I had it restored.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You were a beautiful bride.

Look at that lovely
alabaster skin.

No, I was pale 'cause I was
stuffed into that dress so tight

the blood couldn't
get to my head.

Of course, Dad's uniform is
perfect. Check out the sword.

That wasn't just
for show, you know.

What? You're gonna tell
me he cut the cake with it?

No, he used it to cut
me out of that dress.

[Randy] All right, Dad. Judges
are out front. Turn on your lights.

- Judges, you all ready?
- Ready.

- One, two, three.
- [switch clicks]

[♪ instrumental version
of Joy to the World plays]

- [music stops]
- Oh!

- [thudding]
- [glass breaking]

- Dad!
- [car alarms blaring]

Your Santa bounced
off three different cars.

What did the judge
think of the lights?

We'll let you know when
he regains consciousness.

Christmas is over. Your wife might
have got you stuff you didn't want.

So, what do you do?

I say exchange them
for some how-to videos

from Binford's new
home video collection.

Like this one, our newest,
Look Who's Caulking.

[Tim] The most important thing when
caulking is to get a smooth, even seal.

I like to use a harbor seal.

[Tim imitating seal]

- Right, Al?
- [Al] I don't think so, Tim.

Concentrate on the work or
there could be an accident.

[Tim] Actually, there's
already been an accident.

Mom!

I never knew Detroit
had stop signs.

Those octagonal
red things? Yeah.

Are those octagons?

Just... are they octagonal?

Well, I scared
myself with that word.

I never knew Detroit
had stop signs.

Ah. Those octagonal
red things. No.

I never knew Detroit
had stop signs.

Those are those octagonal red...