07x13 - An Older Woman

[bunniefuu]

- OK. A buck says
Brad goes to the party.
- All righty.

Another dollar says Brad's been feeling
like a loser since Angela dumped him.

And there's no way
he's going to that party.

Well, we all know
Brad's a loser.

But I still say he's
going to the party.

You're betting on
Brad's social life?

Actually, I'm
betting against it.

Gambling on your brother's
broken heart. That's really nice, guys.

Still time to get into the Brad party
pool? I got a buck says he's not going.

You can't bet
against your own son.

- Why? How are you betting?
- [Jill scoffs]

I would've gotten in the action
earlier, but I pulled my back out.

- How'd you do that?
- Don't ask.

I decided I'm not
going to the party.

- Yes!
- [both laugh]

All right, thank you very much.

Your lack of self-esteem
has made me a very rich man.

- Brad, you have to go
to this party.
- You think so?

You can't stay locked
in your room forever

just cause you got dumped
by dingbat, motormouth Angela,

who, by the way, I really liked
in case you get back together.

- I'll go for a little while.
- All right.

- All right.
- All right. I'll be back by : .

- You don't have
to come back early.
- How about : ?

You're staying out till past
midnight, no more arguments!

- What's that smell?
- I don't smell anything.

Oh, man! You still haven't
learned how to load a dishwasher.

It's a subjective thing, honey.

Look, the Salvador
Dali Collection.

- [sighs] Did I miss breakfast?
- And lunch.

- When did you get in? About : ?
- Yes, I did.

Did you meet somebody?

Yes, I did.

He met somebody.
Isn't that adorable?

- What's her name?
- Samantha.

Samantha.

Adorable. What is she like?

Well, she's really cute, she loves
sports, and she drives a ' Camaro.

Camaro? Adorable.

- So, when are you
gonna see her again?
- [doorbell rings]

Soon as I open the door. She's
taking me to the Red Wings game.

Red Wings? Adorable!

- How you doing?
- Hi.

Meet my mom and dad.
This is Samantha Hayes.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- I'm Jill.
- Hi, Samantha. Tim Taylor.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Brad was telling us
about you.

- Well, good things, I hope.
- Yeah.

Before we let you out, there's
a few things we need to know.

- Uh, Dad...?
- I'm doing this
for your own good.

Samantha, that
Camaro... is it a big block?

You'll have to
excuse my husband.

He gets very
concerned about his son

getting mixed up
with the wrong... car.

You guys go to the same school?

No. Samantha
goes to Wayne State.

- College?
- Yeah. I'm majoring
in communications.

- I want to be a sportscaster.
- She knows everything
about soccer.

Great. So you're
one of those kids

that sh*t through
high school to college?

No. I started when I
was . I'm a junior now.

Yeah, we're both juniors.

Except you're in high school.

Oh, it's hard to believe.

Brad is more
responsible and polite

than the college guys
I've gone out with.

- You raised a real gentleman.
- I didn't know
we were finished.

- Well, we should be going.
- Bye.

- OK. Bye, guys. Have a good time.
- Nice to meet you. Have fun.

All right.

Well, I really
wasn't ready for that.

Wait, wait. Hold it. If she went to
college when she was , she's a junior,

that would make
her... well, older.

She's at least .

- Who's ?
- This girl
Brad's going out with.

What would a -year-old
woman want with Brad?

Maybe where she lives she's
not allowed to have a dog.

Are you OK with this?

Yeah. She seems
like she's very nice.

- Brad's just a boy.
- Oh, come on, Mom!

Younger girls date older guys all the
time. No one says anything about it.

- You have a double standard.
- He's right.

I love you. But sometimes
you can be a bit sexist.

Well, it's our
two-week anniversary.

We should go somewhere
special for dinner.

Yeah. How about...

[both] Chinese!

- I know this great place.
- Hong Fat's?

- You know Hong Fat?
- I knew him when
he was Hong Thin.

I knew you were gonna say that.

- You did?
- Yeah.

I just can't believe I only
met you two weeks ago.

Yeah. It kind of feels like we've
known each other our whole lives.

How was I lucky enough
to meet a guy like you?

Well, I guess we were at
the right place at the right time.

Two strangers
reaching for onion dip.

So, when was the exact moment

you knew I really,
really liked you?

I guess when you met my parents
and you didn't run away screaming.

OK, Samantha. I got it.

You want to meet Brad for
dinner at Bangles at : .

OK. Bye now.

Dinner at : .

Just a couple of years ago
he was going to bed at : .

A couple years from now
we'll be going to bed at : .

Brad has spent every available
moment with Samantha for the last month.

They're going too
fast. I don't like it.

I'm not so sure. His schoolwork
isn't suffering. His job's OK.

He's coming in every night at curfew.
Samantha's a better parent than we are.

- Hey, everybody!
- There's a note
for you on the counter.

- Nice jacket.
- Oh, you like it?

- Yeah.
- Samantha helped me
pick it out.

She says "dress for
who you want to be."

Who do you want to be?

I don't know. I just figure I'll put on
the clothes and see who I turn into.

You've been learning an
awful lot from Samantha?

It's great. You're not gonna believe,
she wants me to take her to Tool Time.

Yeah?

There's something seriously
wrong with this woman.

Funny. I'm starting
to like her a lot.

She's thinking
about being in TV,

she wants to see what
it's like to tape a live show.

Brad, do you think maybe you're
moving a little fast in this relationship?

We're moving fast because
we really like each other.

Brad, I think the point is she
is three years older than you.

And, um, we're
just worried that...

maybe you're
getting in too deep.

You're three years
older than Mom.

Look how deep I'm in.

Thank you. Welcome
back to Tool Time's salute...

[electric razor buzzing]

[both] ...to shaving.

It's been grooming week.

We've been cutting, clipping,
moussing and foaming.

Now we tackle the
mother of all problems,

removal of unwanted facial hair.

That's right. Every little boy
remembers peering over the sink

watching his father shaving.

In your case it was
your mom, wasn't it?

[imitating] "Al, stop staring at
me! Get me another beer, will ya?!"

Tim?

Shaving equipment has
come a long way over the years.

Right. Today we have a
lot of things to choose from.

Double-edged, swivel head, disposable,
and a wide array of electric shavers.

But for the purist, nothing
beats the cut of a straight edge.

- Right, Al?
- That's right.

Look out! My thumb!
Oh, my God! Just kidding.

Today we're gonna
show how close it shaves

by shaving Al's
beard. Right, Al?

I don't think so, Tim.

I've grown rather
fond of this beard.

You call it a beard. I
call it a runway for Fritos.

[audience laughs]

In barber college they
practice on a balloon

to get a handle on a straight edge
so they don't nick their customers.

I've got my own
version of the balloon.

Why do you put my face on everything
you're about to mangle or destroy?

Because your butt won't fit.

Why don't we take
some audience questions

while Tim lathers up this
ruggedly handsome balloon?

All right, any
questions? Yes, sir?

No matter what kind of
razor I use, I cut myself.

What do you recommend
to stop the bleeding?

Grow a beard. [snorts]

I recommend a styptic pencil.

Don't use toilet paper.

Otherwise, you have squares over
your face with the red dots in them.

Looks like your face is covered
with little Japanese flags.

Very embarrassing
down at the VFW Hall.

All right. Um, well, why don't
we... Heidi, some more questions?

OK. Who else has a question?

Yes, Brad?

Ladies and gentlemen, this handsome
young man is Tim's oldest son, Brad.

Uh, yes. I'm a twice-a-week shaver with
a pretty light beard. What should I use?

A big brown crayon.

Brad, introduce us
to your friend there.

Oh, I'd love to. This
is Samantha Hayes.

She's a communications
major at Wayne State

and she plans to
be a sportscaster.

Is she your girlfriend, Brad?

Well, actually, as of
today, this is my fiancée.

- [audience murmurs]
- Fiancée?

Well, yes. We just
decided to get married.

Why were you joking
about getting married?

I was trying to do
a serious show.

Dad, I'm not joking.

Samantha and I put a
lot of thought into this.

You can't. You've only been
seeing each other for a month.

Mr. Taylor, I know
it seems fast, but...

Brad and I clicked
from the beginning.

Put your clickers away.
This is ridiculous, guys.

I knew you were gonna react like
this. You should be congratulating us.

Waiter, get me some champagne.

And two juice boxes
for the bride and groom!

It doesn't matter what you say. We're
getting married. Let's get out of here.

Brad... Hey! Hey!

You can't get married!
You got homework!

Mark, have you seen the salad
spinner? I can't find it anywhere.

Yeah. I put it in the
dishwasher last night.

Oh, no.

[sighs] It's genetic.

- [door closes]
- [Tim] Hi.

Hi. One of our sons is
now melting plasticware.

Well, another one of our
sons might be registering for it.

What does that mean?

Brad and Samantha
want to get married.

Married? That's insane!

It's sad, really. Can
I have his room?

Would you excuse us
for a minute, please?

Listen to this. They announced
their engagement on Tool Time.

I tried to talk to him about
it. He just ran out on me.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What if she's pregnant?

[groans]

What if they're getting married
because they want to get pregnant?

She probably just wants to
get a hold of the Taylor fortune.

- There is no Taylor fortune.
- Not in cash. But we are tool rich.

[Jill moans]

- We've got to stop this.
- We gotta stop it.

- We can't panic.
- Can't panic.

We've gotta be diplomatic
so we don't alienate Brad.

We don't want Brad as an alien.

- Oh, uh, hi, Brad. Hi.
- Hi, Brad.

- I'll be up
in my room studying.
- Fair enough.

That was good. That
was calm. That was good.

Are you insane? What is the matter with
you? You're acting like a crazy person!

How could you even think
about getting married at your age?

Mom, Samantha and I love each
other and we want to build a life together.

Better build a small one.

Not much room up in that
bedroom of yours, is there?

Ever since I told you about this, all
you've been doing is joking around.

When exactly do you
plan to have this wedding?

We might not have the
wedding. We might elope.

- [Tim moans]
- Just tell me,
is Samantha pregnant?

No, Mom. She's not pregnant.

Are you getting married
just so you can have sex?

What is with you, Mom?
All you think about is sex!

[footsteps]

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just
staring at the stars,

trying to figure out
what it's all about.

- Yeah? What did you find out?
- Teenagers are nuts.

And Orion's belt actually
has some tools in it.

- Hi-ho, good neighbors.
- Hi, Wilson.

Pondering a distant galaxy?

Actually, we're wishing
that we were up there.

- Having a little
problem with Brad.
- He's not eating his veggies.

No... gettin' married.

Married? At Brad's age?

He'll have to sit at the children's
table at his own wedding.

We know he's obviously
too young for this,

but we can't get through to him.

And the more we argue with
him, the farther away it drives him.

Maybe you shouldn't
argue so much.

Great, just let
him ruin his life?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

The th century English
novelist Elizabeth Gaskell said,

"The wise parent nurtures
the desire for independence

in order to become a friend and
advisor when his absolute power ceases."

If an English novelist said that,
how come it's not in English?

He means if we expect
Brad to listen to us

we've got to be on his side.

- But we're not
on his side, honey.
- It's reverse psychology.

We have to pretend we are.

Well, that isn't the most
honest interpretation

of Miss Gaskell's words.

She won't complain.
She's been dead years.

Show a little respect. That's
Eddie Haskell's mom, right?

[music on video game]

- Here comes the groom.
- Shut up.

Hey, Brad, we were
thinking about places

to have your bachelor party.

How do you feel about
Chuck E. Cheese?

Yeah. The groom
gets free tokens.

I get enough crap from Mom and
Dad. I'm not taking it from you guys.

Oh, good, Brad, you're
here. We want to talk to you.

Oh, I am so glad
I'm not you right now.

- There's nothing to talk about.
- Now, wait, wait.

Look, we overreacted
about this Samantha thing.

We want to make it up to you.

We've been thinking, we'd
like to have her over for dinner.

Why?

Well, if you're this serious about
her, we should get to know her better.

- So, you guys mean it?
- Yeah, absolutely.

I want to make
it really special.

- What's her favorite dish?
- Anything.

Chicken Cordon Bleu with
endive watercress salad.

We'll go with
your favorite dish.

Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots?

Mrs. Taylor, you
cooked a delicious dinner.

[Tim scoffs] If you're gonna be part
of the family, you gotta be honest.

OK. The brown
stuff is a little salty.

Roll it around in the green
stuff. It'll slide right down.

I'm glad you guys are
positive about our engagement.

- It's important to us.
- They had a little
trouble at first.

But then they realized how committed
we are and they came around.

- It's good for us, too.
- Oh, what do you mean?

We've been real worried about
putting three boys through college.

And now we just have to
worry about Mark and Randy.

Why, I still want
to go to college.

Oh, sure, honey. But, you know,
you're gonna be married and on your own.

So, you have to
pay for it yourself.

All right, that's fine. I mean, I'll
probably get a scholarship anyway.

If you don't, I'll get a job
when I graduate next year.

- I'll pay your tuition.
- No, you shouldn't do that.

If that happens, I just
won't go to college.

Brad, I don't want our children to
have a father who never went to college.

Children?

Oh, yeah. Children. Mmm.

Have you decided how
many you want to have?

I am very excited about
the idea of grandchildren.

- Oh, I'd like one of each.
- How about you, Brad?

Children?

Sure. You're gonna love them,

coming home to their chubby little faces
after a long night of delivering pizzas.

So, what makes you think
I'll be delivering pizzas?

I'll still work at the
sporting goods store.

Oh. Well, yeah. But, you're gonna
need a second job to support the kids.

OK. I see what you're doing
here. You're trying to scare us.

- It's not going to work.
- If your parents
are having a problem,

- we should talk this out.
- No, I'm through talking.

I talked to them. They said they
were supportive. It was just an act.

Let's get out of here.

Well, thanks for dinner.

It was... OK.

Well, that went well.

Did you see Brad's face when
he heard the word "children"?

- I think we had
a real effect on them.
- Maybe.

Or they could be headed across
the state line to get married.

Congratulations, Granny.

[sighs] I'm sorry you
had to go through that.

It's OK.

My parents are
gonna go ballistic

when I tell them
we're getting married.

You haven't told them yet?

No. I wanted to wait until they
made my next car payment.

Yeah. Well, at least we know
we're doing the right thing, right?

- That's right.
- Marriage
is gonna be great.

Yeah, great.

How soon were you
planning on having children?

Well, not right away.

I was thinking of
waiting a few years.

Five... ten.

- Is that too long for you?
- No, no. I was thinking
like , .

Brad, do you really think
you're ready to get married?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, how do you feel?

I think we should
slow down a little.

[exhales deeply] Man, I'm
glad to hear you say that.

And as much as I like you,

I mean, it would be kind of weird
taking my report card home to my wife.

I need more plasticware
for these leftovers.

[Jill] Oh, man!

- [Jill] Brad?
- Listen, before
you guys say anything,

there's something
I want to tell you.

You want to register
at Toys 'R' Us?

No. Samantha and I decided not to follow
through on this whole marriage thing.

Really? How come?

Lots of reasons. But none of this had
anything to do with what you guys said.

- No. Of course not.
- You're old enough
to make decisions.

That's right.

- Goodnight.
- 'Night.

Goodnight, honey.

Yes!

No wedding. This
calls for a celebration.

This proves that we can deal

with any crisis
that comes our way.

Here's to two parents
that can handle anything.

I'm going out. I'll
be back about : .

Was his hair pink?

Fuchsia.

What we're gonna do is, I'm gonna
use this practice balloon sent over by

the Straub Barber College.

Hey!

[both] I don't go
for that sort of thing!

I don't go for
that sort of thing.

You scared the
[bleep] out of me.

- I don't like to be scared.
- I don't like to be scared.