07x14 - Tim 'The Landlord' Taylor

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.

Wow! You're home late from work.

I stayed at the mall
and did some shopping.

You guys have no
idea how lucky you are.

When I was your age,
the closest thing to a mall

was a Walgreen's with a
FotoMat in the parking lot.

Man, between that and black-and-white
TV, your life was a living hell!

- So, what's in the bag?
- Oh, that's my old shirt.

Check out the new one I bought.
You've never seen anything like it.

Actually, I think I have.

[both] Oh, man!

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.

Evening...

Evening, Humpty, Dumpty.

I guess you're wondering
why we're both wearing this.

No. I was wondering why
anyone would wear that shirt.

Do you remember that
investment property?

Oh, the house on, uh,
Grant or Shadeland?

Shadeland, right. They came down $ , .
I, um, I think they're ready to sell.

Do you think it's wise to tie up
your money in a rental property?

The price is right. We're
gonna fix it up, rent it out, then...

Why are we discussing our
financial choices with you kids?

Two kids dressed like
a pair of lava lamps.

- You want to take
a look one more time?
- That's a good idea.

- Get the dishes, set the table.
- What's for dinner?

Whatever Randy decides to make.

Hey, think pork.

If that's the school uniform, I
am not going to high school.

Welcome back to
Tool Time on location.

Thank you, Heidi. For those
of you who just joined us,

My wife and I bought this
rental property as an investment.

We're gonna show you some tips and an
economical way to make this a makeover.

Nothing brightens a room better
than fresh paint. First thing...

We've just taken a tour of the kitchen
where we're gonna have to retile.

A lot of nice stuff
in that kitchen.

I can't believe how
beautiful that vintage stove is.

Oh, you're just excited. He found a
-year-old French fry in that stove.

- Let's inspect
the living room.
- Right.

And after that, Tim is
gonna take a look at the den

while I figure out what
to do in the bathroom.

You're just now
figuring that out?

No. But I figured out why we're
doing this show on renovation.

Once again, Tim gets
all his work done for free.

Wow! Mr. Cynical. I'm just
here to do good work, OK?

Any renter's gonna love these.

A fabulous addition to
any home. Don't you think?

This is a tool show, not the
Please Rent My House channel.

Mr. Snippy today, isn't he?

I think someone didn't get
their hot links this morning.

These glass doorknobs are in great
shape. I think they're a little loose.

My wife and I are gonna
go in a different direction.

Upgrade them
with brass fixtures.

No! You can't get rid of these.

This is part of the house's
charm. I love these doorknobs.

Well, don't get too attached
to them. They'll turn on you.

Next to fresh paint, replacing carpet
is the quick way to update your place.

I don't think so, Heidi.

Why re-carpet when the floors
are a beautiful peg and groove?

- [Heidi] Ooh!
- A big plus for any renter.

You know, Al, I think
you might be right.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Jill.

My business
partner, my wife Jill.

You taping? I don't
have makeup on!

Oh, you look fine.
You look fine, honey.

I'm gonna put the shower
curtain in the bathroom, all right?

That's a beautiful pattern for a shower
curtain, a big plus for any bathroom.

Once we get this fixed up, any
renter's gonna love this house.

Yes, they will.
In fact, I'll take it.

Thanks, Al. We'll be right back
after these messages from Binford.

OK, let's move to the
den. Get that set up.

I'm trying to rent this place.
Don't joke around, OK?

I'm not joking. I really
would like to rent this.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

You'd be the perfect renter.

Do you want Al living right
around the corner from us?

We can carpool! Hey!

You're not helping
your case, Al.

I've been wanting to get out of
that bachelor apartment for years!

I would love living here!

Al is clean. He's quiet.
He'd be the perfect tenant.

I was Tenant of the
Month times last year.

- What do you think?
- Please?

Don't beg, you look
like those circus poodles.

[hums circus music]

I don't know. Well, why not?

Oh, yes! All right! Oh,
I'm gonna love living here!

Look, I'll even
have a coat closet!

Well, congratulations, Al.

Oh! And with that big back yard,
I'll finally be able to get a dog.

Oh, I'm sorry. No pets.

OK. But, boy, this is gonna be
a nice place for mother to visit.

Like I said... no pets.

I'm gonna pick up Samantha.
We're going to the movies.

Hey, um, Randy and Lauren are going
to the movies, too. Can you take them?

Hey, Randy!

What are you doing? We
agreed this was my shirt night.

Before Samantha told me
this was her favorite shirt.

Lauren said this
was her favorite shirt.

I don't want a girlfriend if I'm
gonna have to wear that shirt.

Mark, it's not the
clothes that matter.

You'll be rejected
based on who you are.

Brad, it's his turn to
wear the shirt. It's only fair.

I've only got a year to wear
this shirt before I grow out of it.

He's got the rest of his life.

Yeah? And you have the
rest of your life to learn math.

Hey, hey, hey! That
is enough, guys!

We're just gonna flip a coin. Whoever
loses takes the shirt back to the store.

- Mark, give me a quarter.
- You know, I'm gonna
need that back.

All right, Brad. You're
the oldest so you pick.

- Tails.
- Heads it is. You lose.

[yelling]

Hey, and, uh, while you're up there,
you might want to rethink the pants.

- Oh, finally I can
get some work done.
- [clears throat]

Aren't you forgetting something?

I love you.

I know. I know.

There was a long line
at that photocopy place.

I got the documents
for our tenant.

Wait, this is what
you had copied?

Uh-huh.

You're making Al sign, what
is this, an -page lease?

It's a business venture, honey.

I'm doing this to protect
us and to protect Al.

Oh, I see. You are protecting your
best friend by asking for references?

You'll notice I gave
him a glowing one.

According to this
sworn statement here,

his apartment manager says

that he once neglected
to clean out a lint trap.

Yep.

I had to grill that old lady six
hours to get her to rat him out.

I can't believe it! You
asked for Al's credit history?

You got it. Look back here.

, he bounced an $
check at Cheese World.

Ah, here it is!

Captain Jerky's
Meat-Curing Kit. [exhales]

[knocking]

Hey, Tim. It's open.

- Hey, Al. The place looks great.
- [Al sighs]

I brought over your
signed copy of the lease.

Without a forklift?

I can't believe you had
me sign an -page lease.

You know, my last lease was
two pages. Don't you trust me?

Al, of course I trust you.

I got one little addendum I want
you to sign, though, right here.

There you go.

[sighs]

A "no gravy in the
bedroom" clause?

As long as I'm here,
anything else you need?

As a matter of fact,
there is. You know what?

The, uh, the sink in the
kitchen here is leaking.

And this window up here
seems to be a little bit stuck.

Just get a washer for the faucet
and put some silicone on there.

Here you go.

Well, you see, I'm the tenant.

And repairs would be the
landlord's responsibility.

Come on. Tenant, landlord... let's
not get hung up on the labels, buddy.

Well, you want to go by the
book, I'm going by the book.

And according to section
, paragraph seven,

uh, you "are
responsible for all repairs

or I have someone do it
and take it out of the rent."

Buddy, buddy, buddy...

Close examination of the spirit of
this lease will inform you that that's...

a sign for renters
that are not handy.

You are very good
with your hands.

Speaking of which,
here you go. Right there.

All right. I will sign
your addendum.

Good. Uh-huh.

Date it.

OK.

Now you fix my house.

Come on.

You wouldn't be ashamed

to have someone else
repair stuff you could do?

Not in the least.

You really want me fixing this?

You wouldn't be my first choice.

But...

I'll be right here behind you

watching every move
you make, "buddy!"

Tim, you're using the
wrong wrench on that faucet.

[Tim] You ask me to fix your house.
Now you don't trust me to do it right?

[Tim grunts]

I didn't trust you
before I asked you.

Thanks to your credit checks, they
don't trust me at Cheese World anymore.

Al, would you hand
me the WD- , please?

Sorry, landlord. No can do.

According to Public
Act Number of ,

that's not the
tenant's responsibility.

[straining] OK, what is
the tenant's responsibility?

I believe it's to pay the rent
and not eat gravy in the bedroom.

[Al crunching]

Al, are you gonna eat that apple
the entire time I'm fixing the doorknob?

No. At the rate you're going,

I'll be able to fit in
two pears and a plum.

After you've fixed this door,

I want you to take a look
at the, uh, chimney here.

Al, I don't have time for this.
A lot of this stuff you could do.

You're right. And for $
an hour, I would love to.

You'd charge me for this?

I'm just exercising
my tenant's rights.

This really isn't working out.

Maybe you should find
some other place to live.

What? Are you throwing me out?

- No.
- Good. Because
you can't evict me.

- Oh, yes, I can.
- No, you can't.

- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't. I'll sue you.

I have an ironclad lease!

That won't hold up in a
court of law. I know. I wrote it.

I don't believe this! You told
Al that you want to evict him?

That's right. Because he's the
tenant from hell all of a sudden.

He's chasing me around the house
making me do everything by the law.

Well... [scoffs] What about you?

I mean, you've done
everything to him

short of running
fingerprints on him.

No! You did not!

It may have been
a computer error,

but I think he's wanted in
Texas on mail fraud charges.

Oh, Tim!

I mean, it took him all
his courage, you know,

to get out of that
cramped apartment.

Then kick him out on the street.
How could you do that to poor Al?

Poor Al, my foot. How about
poor me? He wants to sue me.

And that bonehead would probably
take this right to the Supreme Court.

You won't stand a chance. Sandra
Day O'Connor's gonna love Al.

Gidget?

Have you thought about any
of the ramifications of this?

I mean, you two work together.
What's gonna happen to your friendship?

That will be for the
courts to decide, honey.

You're not going
to work this out?

No. Because even if I did,

I run the risk of Al forcing
me to snake out his toilets.

And that's a risk I'm
not willing to take.

If you're not gonna talk to
him, then I'm gonna do it for you.

Oh, good. Good luck.

Go over there and talk,

you'll end up sucking
asbestos out of his attic.

[clunking]

Wilson, if you need
firewood, I got plenty here.

You don't have to
chop down your house.

No, no, no, Tim. I'm just
knocking down some icicles.

One of my favorite things,

right up there with
spreading steer manure

on a hot summer day.

I'd rather spread steer
manure than be Al's landlord.

Really? I would've thought Al
would've been the perfect tenant.

That's why I gave him such
an enthusiastic reference.

- Maybe I went
a little bit overboard.
- [chuckles]

You're the only one that quoted
Shakespeare on a rental application.

So, you're saying objectively

that the person at fault is the
lessee as opposed to the lessor.

More or less.

Well, so what happened?

We're just disagreeing
over the lease.

So, I'm... I'm gonna
have to evict him.

Well, Tim, I'm shocked that
you would evict your best friend.

I'm more shocked that you
would make him sign a lease.

I'm new at the landlord thing.

I'm trying to do
everything businesslike.

Tim, let me ask, if I
was renting from you,

would you make me sign a lease?

Well... yeah.

Probably let you skip the... the
fingerprinting and the blood samples.

Tim, a landlord
doesn't have to do that.

They don't have to do that.
When I do something new,

I like to go at
it full strength!

Like the time you brought
home the riding mower.

I didn't have to put
horsepower in that thing.

I did 'cause there's
nothing better than adding...

- [Wilson] More power.
- [grunting]

There's a difference between
powering up a lawnmower

and lording it over
your best friend.

You know, Henry
Adams the historian said,

"A friend in power
is a friend lost."

I might've got a
bit crazy on that.

Twenty-one clauses and
that thorough investigation.

Well, what did
you gain from that?

Well, I lost my first
tenant, my best friend.

I've got a huge photocopy bill.

But they carved a head of me up
there at Cheese World. They set it out.

[knocking]

- Hi, Al.
- Hi, Jill.

Can I come in?

It's your house. You can
do whatever you want to.

I brought you a
housewarming gift.

Why would you do that? Your
husband is trying to evict me.

Well, I think he's
totally out of line.

You really think that? Oh,
I'm so glad you think that!

Thank you! Oh!

And that is why I'm going to
fight him to the death on this.

You know, he may have his
money and his... his big-city lawyers,

but I have the sword
of justice on my side.

Jerky?

No. No, thank you. Al, this
doesn't have to end up in the courts.

I mean, you and Tim just
have to come to your senses.

Tim? [scoffs]

The man who has federal marshals
hounding me about some mail fraud rap?

Well, we all know that Tim
has a tendency to go overboard.

Yeah. Well, when he
goes overboard with me...

he turns the whole ship upside-down.
And I'm left holding onto my dinghy.

Well, it's just... you know,
he... he takes advantage of me.

- [Jill] I know.
- It makes me so mad!

- I just... I sink to his level!
- OK. What do you mean by that?

Well, I...

First, Tim makes me
sign this ridiculous lease.

And then when I ask
him to abide by the lease

and fix some things
around the house, he resists.

And that... you know, I retaliate by...
by finding more things for him to fix.

- Well, that's understandable.
- It gets worse than that.

Because once he
fixed everything, I...

I started breaking
new things on purpose.

- You broke things?
- Yeah.

That's sick.

It's also really, really funny.

You know, I've done similar
things to him for different reasons.

- You have?
- This one time,

I was really overwhelmed
with schoolwork.

He kept pestering me about
remodeling a bathroom or something.

So, I snuck out to
the garage and...

I... I squirted some motor oil

under the engine of his Mustang.

It kept him out of
my hair for days.

That's brilliant!

This other time,

I painted chicken
pox on Mark's face

so I wouldn't have
to go to a tractor pull.

This is a side of you
I never knew existed!

- Yeah. I'm devious.
- Yeah, you are. You're very devious.

- [Al snorts]
- [knocking]

- What's so funny?
- [both] Nothing.

You guys are laughing
over this lease?

I've been giving a lot of thought
about this landlord/tenant thing.

And we gotta work this out.

- You think so?
- Yeah. I don't want you out...

Well, you guys
obviously have to talk.

- No, we don't. I was done. I'm done.
- Bye!

- That was it. I don't have to talk.
- Oh, no, no.

She's right. We have some
issues we have to discuss.

I say we just let bygones
be bygones and start over.

- How about that?
- Oh, no.

It goes much deeper
than that, you know?

This affects the very
fabric of our relationship.

This is like talking
to Jill with a beard.

Now, Tim, I...

You know, I have
some things to admit.

I have been childish and petty and
unreasonable throughout all of this.

- I have a confession.
- Good.

You're absolutely right.

Well, obviously, you're not
ready to talk about these things.

Well, what the hey, you know? You
made the gesture and came over here.

And I admitted I was
petty and childish.

And you made the gesture
and came over here. And...

- And see you, Al.
- Apology accepted.

Uh, the truth is,
Al, you know me.

When I start something
new, I tend to go a little crazy.

It always affects the
people closest to me first.

And the truth is you're
a responsible guy.

And you can... you can
live here without the lease.

- [Al] Uh...
- Al, don't say another word.

Without the lease. Forget about it. The
lease is gone. Bye-bye. See you later.

- [Tim laughs]
- Well, thank you, Tim.

That was actually my
life insurance policy.

Well, here it is. The new shirt.

Congratulations, Brad. I... I know I
have never seen anything like that.

Now, you're not gonna go
out and buy one of these.

Oh, you actually
paid money for that?

Looks like you peeled
it off a dead clown.

Look who I brought home
for dinner, everybody.

- [Jill] Ah!
- Hi, Jill. Hey, Mark.

- Hey, Al.
- Ooh, nice shirt.

- You like it? I just got it.
- Yeah. Well, me too!

All right!

Forget about it. You
don't need this lease.

No, no, no, no, no...

There we go. OK.

He may have his money
and his big-city lawyers,

but I have the sword
of justice in my side.

- Is it in your side?
- It's right here.