07x16 - What a Drag

[bunniefuu]

- [both] It's Storm Watch ' !
- [fan whirring]

[fan stops]

Hi. I am Tim "The
Weatherman" Taylor.

And of course, you all know
my assistant, Al "Niño" Borland.

- [imitates wind]
- That's right.

We're here to show you how to
protect your house and property

from the ravages
of a winter storm.

It's gonna be a long winter.
Al's mom saw her shadow.

Which is hard to do because she
can't see her feet at this point, can she?

And later in the week, we expect
a huge storm to hit our area.

[deep voice] There's a cold front
cruising across the Great Plains.

Gonna collide with a
northeaster out of the southwest,

causing precipitous weather.

And a small-craft advisory.

In other words, it's
going to be windy.

Now, a storm can be devastating.

But there are precautions
you can use to protect property.

Right. Especially those
living along the lakes.

Tie down and secure anything
that might cause some damage.

The first thing...

Ha ha ha ha. Gee,
Al, funny as always.

All right, we've already
had a very bad ice storm.

What we want to do now to prevent
further damage is prune these trees.

That's right. You want to cut
back any rotting or dead wood.

Right. Or you can recycle that dead
wood and build yourself an assistant.

Now in some areas the wind is going
to get as high as miles per hour.

It's a good idea to protect your
windows by three-quarter-inch plywood.

Hey, guys!

Holy moly, guys! You oughta see
this branch near Wilson's house.

It's a disaster
waiting to happen.

It's got, uh, stress
cracks in it. Big ones...

- [branch creaking]
- Very, uh...

very similar to the ones
I got on this branch here.

Tim, are you OK?

We'll be right back with
some gazebo repair tips.

- Are you sure
you're all right?
- Yes, Al.

A big splinter in my
butt broke my fall.

Well, here. Let me give
you a hand with that.

[groans] Oh, I
guess we'll just...

- Well, hey! What's this?
- What's what, Al?

Looks like oregano. Does Jill
keep it out here so it stays fresh?

Let me see that.

- It's not oregano.
- Tarragon?

- This is marijuana.
- Jill cooks
with marijuana?!

No, you idiot. Somebody's
hiding this out here.

Oh... I can't believe
I touched this bag!

Oh, now my
prints are all over it!

- Oh, man!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! Calm down!

This makes me an accessory.

I could be charged with...
with possession of illicit dr*gs!

Al, Al, Al, stop, stop!
Think for a minute.

You found marijuana on my
property. What does that tell you?

I can no longer run
for political office.

[laughs] Yeah. Bye.

Look what I found.

This is a joke, right?
Is this what I think it is?

It was taped to the
underside of the seat out there.

- Oh, my God! It's marijuana.
- That's right.

Do you think that this
belongs to one of our boys?

Well, not unless we have a
chipmunk that has glaucoma.

You never know! There's
other possible explanations.

Could be one of your
crew. They could've hid it.

My crew doesn't smoke pot!

You can't be high when you do a
show like Tool Time. Look at the quality...

precision.

We gotta face this.
This is our kids.

I know. You're probably
right. Oh, God! Oh, God!

OK, just stay calm. We
gotta think about this.

Which one is it?

- Has any of them been
acting strange?
- All of them.

Have you noticed anybody
eating any more than usual?

- All of them.
- What about smelling funny?

All of them.

Well, this is it.
They've formed a cartel.

When they get home from school, we'll
just have to sit them down and ask them.

They're not gonna come clean. It'll
drive the user further underground.

- We may never
find out who's using.
- What should we do?

- We gotta trap them.
- Trap them?

It's Friday night. Whoever owns
this is gonna want it for the weekend.

My guys fix the seat. I put it
back. We go to Wilson's house.

We watch the guilty
party come and nab him.

I don't know. I don't like the
idea of spying on my own children.

There's your mistake,
thinking of them as children.

If we love them, we gotta
think of them as potential felons.

Don't call my babies "felons."

I said "potential felons."

Let me try the stakeout, please?

All right. If this doesn't work,
we're gonna be honest with them.

- And what if that doesn't work?
- We grill them,
shake them down.

Eventually one
of them will cr*ck.

Don't say "cr*ck."

[footsteps crunching snow]

- I don't believe this.
- I don't either. It's ten degrees here.

No, no. Brad is picking
his fingernail with a fork.

- That's disgusting.
- No, this is really
disgusting.

- He put the fork
back in the drawer.
- Gross!

- [Wilson] Here's
some hot chocolate.
- Oh, thank you, Wilson.

You're out here all the time.

Ever see the kids do
anything suspicious?

I haven't ever seen a thing.

I find it hard to believe

any of the boys would
experiment with cannabis.

My boys aren't flesh eaters.

I just don't get it.

We have been so much more open
with them than our parents were with us.

- We communicated with them.
- We respected them.

Where did we go wrong?

Hello?

Remember the dad?

I'm sorry, Tim, just sometimes

I tend to think of your
children as my own.

We should've
prepared them better,

shared more of our
concerns about dr*gs.

- [Wilson] Mmm.
- We shared up the yin-yang!

We should've been
tougher on them!

If it were up to you, we'd
never let them out of their rooms.

That's right. A couple of
good, substantial police locks,

hungry rottweilers sitting out
there. [imitates dog growling]

I've read about kids and dr*gs.

But it never really hit home until
it happened in my own backyard.

It's ironic, isn't it?

First we rebel against
the authority figure.

- Then we are
the authority figure.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Our dope fiend
is making his move.
- [Jill] Which one is it?

- [Tim] It's Brad.
- [Jill] No, not Brad.

That's right. He's making his
move. He's going for... his coat.

[Wilson] I knew it
couldn't be our first-born.

It's been two hours. I'm
freezing. I want to go inside.

[Tim] Hold on...
wait, wait, wait!

- [Jill] What?
- [Tim] Randy.

Walking through the living
room, opening the yard door.

[Jill] Not sweet little Randy.

Don't let baby face fool you. He's
got "pothead" written all over his face.

- He's reaching
to pick up something.
- [Jill] The dr*gs?

- [Tim] No. It's his boots.
- I knew it wasn't him.

He's going back inside.

Ronnie just walked in!

- [Jill] Ronnie?
- [Tim] Mark's friend.

Mark didn't say anything about
Ronnie coming over. That's weird.

Oh, my God, that's it.

The dr*gs belong to Ronnie.
He's just hiding them here.

What a little jerk! Oh, wait a
minute. Wait a minute. This is great!

We're not the lousy parents. The
lousy parents belong to Ronnie!

Well, even if it's Ronnie's
pot, Mark could be smoking it.

Oh, that's true.

Thanks a lot. I get my
hopes up, you gotta crush 'em.

Why do you have
to be such a downer?

Don't say "downer."

[Tim snoring]

[Tim snorts, grunts]

[resumes snoring]

Tim?

Tim?

- Tim!
- [Tim grunts]

- What?
- Honey, I've had it.

- [grunts]
- Nobody's making
a move for the pot.

- I'm freezing. You're falling asleep.
- [Tim yawns]

Give me more minutes.

- OK, more.
- Yeah.

But not a second more than that.

You know, I'm gonna go out to
the car and get a thermal blanket.

[Jill] Tim!

Tim!

Well, what do you
have to say for yourself?

It's not mine. I was
holding it for somebody.

- Who?
- You don't know him.

Well, I'd like to know him.
What's his phone number?

He just moved in. I don't
even think he has a phone yet.

Just get in there.
Get inside. Come on.

I thought you guys
were going out.

That's what we
wanted you to think.

We were over in
Wilson's yard hiding.

You set a trap for me? That really shows
you have a lot of trust in your child.

We catch you with dr*gs and
you want to talk about trust?

Well, you raise a good point.

Sit.

I told you guys I was just
holding it for somebody else.

Do you think we're
a bunch of idiots?

You want us to believe

you're in the
marijuana-storage business?

- Is this your dope, or not?
- The truth.

It's mine. I came to pick it up
after the game and take it to a party.

- Well, now you're a supplier.
- No, Dad. A lot of kids
bring stuff.

What is it? A "pot luck"?

- Is this the only drug
you're doing?
- Yes.

- How much are you smoking?
- Not much.

- Once a week? Once a month?
- When I go to parties.

To kick back and mellow
out once in a while.

I see. So you kick back
and mellow out to your car,

get behind the wheel, and mellow
yourself right into a telephone pole?

You managed to
do that once straight.

- Or were you straight then?
- I don't get high and drive.

You were going to drive tonight.

Don't you guys think you're
making a big deal out of this?

If it wasn't a big deal,
why were you hiding it?

- Because I knew you'd freak!
- Why do you think?

Because what you're
doing is illegal here!

Don't you think you're
being a little hypocritical?

Well, why don't you
explain that to me?

You were alive during
the "hippie thing."

Are you telling me you
never smoked weed?

Don't turn this around.
This is not about us.

This is about you.

And... And you're
grounded right now

until we can figure out what to do
about this. Now get up to your room!

- Fine.
- Fine.

I don't believe that stuff. Pulls
this and says I'm a hypocrite.

Well, he's right, at least about
me. I used to smoke a lot of dope.

You don't tell him about that!

It was a long time ago when you were
in college. This stuff's is stronger now.

It was still illegal then.

- I should've talked
to Brad before.
- No!

He could have benefitted
from my mistakes!

You telling him that you
smoked pot, it's like endorsing it.

He doesn't need my
endorsement. He's already doing it.

OK. OK. Tell him the
truth about everything now.

How about the first time we had
sex? Huh? Rusty's barn dance?

♪ Bum bum bum-bum bum bum ♪

Yeah!

How about the time we
cheated on our S.A.Ts?

- I didn't cheat on my S.A.Ts.
- Oh, rub that in my face again.

I just think that being
honest with Brad

is our best chance
of getting him

to stop doing dr*gs.

We can't...

I'm guessing you're not
talking about Metamucil.

We... We caught Brad
with some marijuana.

- Wow.
- "Wow."

- You smoke this stuff
too, don't you?
- No!

Is that a real "no" or
I-don't-want-to-be-in-trouble "no"?

It's a real "no".

- I think we can trust him.
- [sighs]

- [knocking on door]
- [sighs] Yeah?

- [Randy] It's me.
- Come in.

[chuckling] Oh,
man, are you in deep!

Did Mom and Dad tell you, too?

Yeah. How could you
bring dr*gs into the house?

I didn't bring them in. I taped
them to the swing outside.

Oh, that's much better.

I didn't even know you smoked.

I've only done it a couple times.
Come on. You've been to a ton of parties.

- Are you telling me
you never smoked?
- No!

I mean, the kids who are
always smoking seem so out of it.

I never pictured myself sitting,

contemplating the
meaning of string.

- Yeah. Well,
I don't do that.
- So what do you do?

I don't know. We just sit
around and talk about stuff.

- Like what?
- What do you care?

I'm just trying to figure out
what's going on with you.

You know, what's going on
with me is that I'm grounded.

- Where's Mom and Dad?
- They're in their room
talking.

- Good.
- Wait. Where are you going?

I gotta make a phone call.

What are you doing? Mom and
Dad told you to stay in your room.

- Just shut up. I know what I'm doing.
- You've certainly proven that.

Hey, Eric. [whispers]
Yeah, it's Brad.

No, no, no. I can't
take you to that party.

Yeah, I kinda got
busted by my parents.

Yeah. I won't be
smoking pot for a while.

- For a while?
- Hey, I gotta go.

So, you're just gonna wait till we get
off your back and start smoking again?

Brad, sit down, please.

[scoffs] Guys, come on. I mean,
it's not like I'm doing hard dr*gs.

You don't have to do hard
dr*gs to screw up your life.

Yep. And we know
that from experience.

- So, you were potheads?
- No! I was a beerhead.

But I was.

You were friends with a
girl who smoked a lot of pot.

And she got busted and
ended up going to jail.

And her family
wouldn't talk to her.

So, as I recall, her
boyfriend had to bail her out.

God knows what would've happened if
he weren't around. The guy was a saint.

- Was that
a story about you?
- No!

- Yes. Yes, it was.
- No!

And it's not the
whole story. I was...

I got stoned at a
Led Zeppelin concert.

I bought some dope that
was laced with something.

- What was it laced with?
- I don't know.

But I ended up in
the emergency room,

registered under the
name Charlene Fogelman.

You used a phony name so
your parents wouldn't catch you?

No. I thought I was
Charlene Fogelman.

Well, then how'd
you end up in jail?

Somebody turned me in.

I was messed up for
a long time after that.

She still hyperventilates

every time she hears
Stairway to Heaven.

But who doesn't?

Look, Brad, I know what
this is like, you know?

[sighs] When you're young,
you want to have adventures.

You think, "Nothing
bad can happen to me."

It's just not true.

Something bad can happen to you.

Why would you
want to take that risk?

[sighs] Your life's, you
know, on track now.

You don't want to get it off track.
You got so much going for you.

You got so much to lose. I mean,
how about your soccer scholarship?

And the trust of a
family who loves you.

Yeah. I don't want to lose
my soccer scholarship...

or the other thing.

"The other thing" is the most
important thing in your life.

Nobody believes in or cares
for you as much as we do.

I know that.

So? What now?

What are you gonna do the
next time you go to a party?

Which, by the way, will be
a very long time from now.

Someone wants you to smoke
some pot, what are you gonna do?

I'll just say, "No, thanks."

"Come on! Just a toke!
What's the matter?"

Dad, I won't take it.

What are you gonna tell
them when they ask why not?

I don't know. I'll just make
up some kind of excuse.

Here's what they tell us to
use at the counseling center.

Tell them that you can't smoke
because if you get caught again,

your parents are gonna
put you on drug testing.

Well, do you think my friends
are really gonna buy that?

Convince them.
Because it'll be true!

- OK. I get the picture.
- [Tim] Good.

Now this sensitive,
emotional moment's over.

You go back to your room and
I'll talk to you tomorrow after : .

- What then?
- Sentencing.

- All right. I'm sorry.
- All right.

- Do you think
we got through to him?
- I don't know.

I hope so.

We can reason with
him, tell him horror stories.

But when he goes out that
door, it's gonna be all up to him.

- He's a good kid, though.
- Yeah. I think so.

- God!
- [sighs]

Do you remember
when the worst problem

we had with Brad
was toilet-training?

Well, it makes sense.

Couldn't get him on the pot, now
we're trying to get him off the pot.

[groans] What a miserable day!

You're telling me!

First thing you know, you're
crashing through a gazebo.

Next thing you know,
your oldest son is on dr*gs.

Boy, I need a beer!

Brad's not driving or going
to parties for two months.

We went easy 'cause he
was the first one to get caught.

However, the next one
gets the book thrown at him.

- That's not fair.
- Well, no one said
life was fair!

You have the benefit of
learning from Brad's mistake.

In some cultures it's
the kid who screwed up

who's expected to
learn from his mistake.

Well, this isn't a fancy
country like France.

This is America,
where one person

can screw it up for everybody.