04x22 - The Right Price

[bunniefuu]

Good evening,
fellow creatures.

I've been working
as an aeronautical engineer.

I'm developing safety devices.

Well, it was better
than the last time.

For a moment,
I thought I was out of a job.

Tonight's drama is called
"The Right Price. "

For those purists who
like to see the connection

between my part of the program
and the story,

here it is.

$ is
my share of the net.

Did you hear?
$ for me.

$ .

My figures
are correct.

I suppose you think I'm trying
to cheat you out of $ .

I wouldn't
put it past you.

Let me see that!

You've got a seven instead of
a three in the second column!

Seven instead of three. Oh, you're
a real lightning calculator, you are!

I was out of my mind
to become your partner!

You wanted to buy in, I
accepted. Business is business.

And you've robbed me blind
since the first day!

Say that in front of a witness and
I'll haul you into court for slander!

Get your friends, if you
have any, and I'll tell them!

Anytime you want
to dissolve the partnership...

Oh, sure! Now that we're finally
showing a profit at last, thanks to me.

Thanks to you, my foot! When I
think of that $ you loaned me...

When nobody
else would!

...at % interest. Not even
a loan shark would make me

pay through the nose
the way you did!

Every company in town
slammed the door in your face.

You came to me. You begged
and touched my heart.

Heart! You mean that adding
machine under your ribs?

Oh, shut up! I'm
too tired to argue.

I'm going to bed.

You and your success! And I
believed you when you proposed to me.

And I thought I was marrying a
woman, instead of a Comptometer.

Lucky for you my first husband
had a genius for business.

You mean lucky for him he had a
genius for sitting by open windows,

or he'd still be married to
you instead of being dead.

Turn off the light.
I want to read.

Fake!

Did you hear?
Not one cent!

Yes, dear. I heard you.

Not a cent.

Good night, Fort Knox.

Jocelyn?

Jocelyn,
wake up.

I think I hear
somebody downstairs.

Jocelyn,
wake up.

Jocelyn.

Move an inch
and boom.

Take a seat, pal.

What?

Go ahead,
take a seat.

I don't feel like sitting down
at the moment, if you don't mind.

Oh, that's all right.
I'm easy.

Can't you steal what you
want and get out of here?

Oh, I'm in no hurry, pal.

Well, I'm cold and I'm sleepy.
Go ahead, rob me and get out.

First, I want
to ask you some questions.

What questions?

You're a businessman,
ain't you?

I most certainly am.

Then you know how important
it is to do things workmanlike.

For instance, where do you
keep the sterling silver?

In the dining room.

Lead the way, pal.

Junk. Anything else?

Over here.

Ah. Too heavy.

Can't you take
what you want and go?

I'll get it later.
Let's you and I sit down.

You're certainly a great
one for sitting down.

Well, my feet hurt. I do a
lot of traveling, you know.

Hey, you don't seem upset,
me robbing you.

We're insured.

Oh. Well, that makes it
nice for all of us.

Can't talk business on these chairs. How
do you eat off of them? They're so hard.

I keep telling my wife that.

Hey, let's you and me go in the living
room, light a light and have a little chat.

I don't feel
like a chat.

Lead the way, pal,
if you don't want to get hurt.

You give a lot of
orders, don't you?

Now, light the lamp.

Ah! Glad to make
your acquaintance, Mr.?

Mort Bonner. I'm in women's
apparel. Who are you?

Just call me the Cat.

I read that once in a story. "Call me
the Cat," the handsome burglar said.

What do you want
to talk about?

A deal.

What kind?

A good deal for you,
a good deal for me.

I'm never opposed
to a deal, if it's fair.

Well, all you have to do is
help me with a good haul here,

and we collect a bundle
from the insurance company.

You're a businessman,
ain't you?

Highly successful.

Well, then we can do business
like it's done all the time.

Honestly?
No. Not honestly.

I robbed a guy's house one night
in Flushing, a real show place,

and he reported
$ more than I heisted.

Did he collect?

% successful
for both parties concerned.

Hello? Who?
Oh, Mrs. Robinson.

No, there's nothing wrong. I just couldn't
sleep, one of those nights. Insomnia.

Well, thank you very much.
Good night.

One of the neighbors saw
the lights, got worried.

We don't usually
stay up this late.

Hey, you got
any smokes around?

The finest.

If you'd like a snack,
we had roast beef for dinner.

Never eat this late at night.
Bad for the digestion.

Well, that's sensible.

You said a deal?

Yeah. Take if off
your income tax.

Robbery.

Say, is this
worth anything?

No, wedding present. Hideous.

Is this real crystal?

I wish it was,
it's just glass.

My cousin Selma
gave that to us.

What have you got of value? I don't
want to drag a lot of junk out of here.

The fencers ain't
what they used to be.

Hey, you help me out,
I'll help you out.

Is it a deal?

Well, generally speaking, yes.

But until
we discuss specifics,

it depends on
what merchandise you take

and how I can legitimately
chalk it up as loss.

You were right about
the spoons and stuff.

Junk.
Yeah.

We got that bunch of silver years ago
as a wedding gift from her family. Terrible.

Sure is. Same thing happens to me. You
take my wife's sister, Bessie. She's...

Say, have you got any cash
in the house?

$ , at the most.

Peanuts.

My wife's fur coat.

Mink?

Cost $ .

Now, we're getting somewhere.

No, she put it in storage
last week.

What about jewelry?

No, she doesn't like good stuff, just
the flashy cheap kind that has no value.

How did you even marry
somebody like her?

We all make mistakes.

Mort? Mort!

Yes, dear?

Who are you talking to
at this hour?

Nobody. Nobody at all.

Well, you woke me up!

I put on the radio, late news.

What are you doing?
Doing?

I was hungry.

Well, don't eat all the roast
beef. I want it for hash tomorrow.

Go back to sleep.

And don't make
a pig of yourself!

Go back to sleep,
I'll be right up.

Now, let's get
back to business.

Wait a minute. I want to make
sure she's gone back to bed.

How am I going to make a deal
with you when all you got is junk?

Let me think. The only money we
have is in the checking account.

No good.

I wouldn't stop payment.

If you was me,
would you take a check?

Not without
proper identification.

Then I guess
there's no deal, huh?

Wait a minute.

How about a check
that would have to be good?

What do you mean?

Suppose I arranged it so
it would be impossible for me

to stop the check without
getting myself in a real jam?

How?
Give me the proposition.

You may not be interested,
of course.

I'd need a real pro.

Oh, I've done more
than second-story your house.

I've been breaking and
entering since I was a juvenile.

Got four counts against me,
did a year at Leavenworth.

I need somebody
with more scope.

Well, I've done
a lot of things.

What kind
of things?

Worked the numbers in Jersey. Pulled
a couple of heists on the Parkway.

I was thinking of someone
who carries a g*n.

What does this look like,
a fountain pen?

I'd want it used.

Oh! You mean? Oh, well,
I don't like to brag,

but there's a few unsolved
jobs in the Middle West.

Yeah, I put a couple of
guys away in my lifetime.

Then, we've got us a deal.

Who do you want me to k*ll?

I assure you,
if there were any other way

of getting my wife to behave
like a human being,

I wouldn't be suggesting
such an extreme method.

No one knows better than me
how stubborn a woman can be.

Do you?

As a matter of fact, I can honestly
say I never could understand a woman.

They can be puzzling.

For instance, look at
us now, warm and cozy.

And this night snack, this
roast beef just hits the spot.

Will you have
another sandwich?

No, thank you.
That's what I mean.

You know, my wife would never fix me
so much as a toasted cheese sandwich

after I'd get back from a long job.
Stubborn and ungrateful, she was.

I didn't ask her for much,
just a toasted cheese sandwich.

But not her.
"Make it yourself" she'd say.

And me after a hard night's
work, my feet hurting.

Sometime I'd be real tired, you
know, from climbing over walls.

Sometime a dog would chase me.

All I needed was a little bite
to eat, you know, when I got home.

But would she make me a snack?

Not a chance.

How did you ever get
into this line of work?

I suppose I'm a nighthawk.

There must be other ways
of earning a living besides...

Other jobs get monotonous
after a time,

but with me, every locked door
is an invitation to danger,

every cop in the b*at's
an enemy.

It's the line of work
to keep a man feeling young.

One night I make
just a few bucks,

the next night, I might latch on
to a diamond ring worth a fortune.

It's the uncertainty of being a
burglar that makes the job worthwhile.

I didn't mean to talk
too much about myself.

Well, are you going
to accept my offer?

I never knocked off a dame.

Don't mix sentimentality
with business.

Women ain't my specialty.

I assure you there's
no difference in technique

between k*lling
a man and a woman.

Give me a minute
to think it over.

How long do you need? You've
already had a beer and a sandwich

since I first made you
the proposition.

We'll say for a moment
that I agree.

The bedroom's upstairs,
first door to the left.

She's not a very heavy sleeper
from the way she yelled down.

We were talking too loud.
By now, she's fast asleep.

It would be easy to walk in
and point a g*n and boom.

Please, would you like someone to
tell you how to run your business?

Shh! I'm sorry.

A g*n is too risky,
firin' a sh*t.

Besides, I never take a chance
on a small job of robbery.

How would you do it?

Well, I tried strangling once.
That's a gamble.

I'll take your word for it.

And knives are too messy.
How about a pillow?

She sleeps on
a goose down pillow.

Good. You don't get a lot
of yelling and screaming.

Fine. Then you hit me over the head, take
a few things for whatever they're worth.

Yeah, but you haven't
set a price yet.

Make me an offer.

No. It's your wife.

Just a second.

How about $ ?

Are you kidding?
I can't afford any more.

That's an insult.

All right, I'll get
somebody else at my price.

He'll botch it up.
Messy.

Make it $ .

After all, I'm making it easy for
you. I deserve some kind of discount.

Oh, well, if you're looking
for a basement bargain.

What's your price?
Five grand.

You can't be serious!

I gotta live, too.

Have you bought food lately? Inflation,
world situation's shaky, and taxes...

You know what I paid
last year in taxes?

You pay taxes?

Sure. You think I want
Washington on my neck?

$ . Take it or
leave it. I'll take it.

It's a deal.

Stay where you are.
Put that g*n away.

Why, hello, Joe.

Oh, I saw a light
and wondered,

you and your missus don't
usually stay up this late...

A business friend of mine is discussing
a deal with me. A very big deal.

Oh! I guess time isn't important when
you come to discussing high finances.

Sometimes, we don't
reach a decision for hours.

You know, lately I've been wishing I
had been a businessman instead of a cop.

Hey, you don't know
the worries, the headaches.

Well, I'd be willing to have them,
and be sure of a nice fat bank book.

You know what I've got to show
for walking that b*at out there?

One uniform
and a gold watch.

But, Joe, what would men like me do
without men like you to protect us?

Oh, I just...
Look, Joe, any other time

I'd be very happy
to talk to you.

Oh, I'm sorry
I butted in.

No, you were
just doing your duty.

You know, there's been a lot of
burglaries around the neighborhood lately.

Uh-huh?

But, don't worry.
I'll catch him.

He'd have to be pretty smart
to get away from you, Joe.

Well thanks,
Mr. Bonner.

Well, I guess
I better be going.

And I'll be stopping by the precinct to tell
the captain what a fine job you're doing.

Well thanks a lot.
Well, good night.

Good night.

Oh, how's the wife?

As usual.

Well, that's fine.
I hope her health continues.

Thanks.
Good night, Joe.

Good night, sir.

I'm glad he called, it will
make me look even more innocent.

Ready?

Coming with me?

Better not.
I'll wait down here.

Okay.

Good luck.

What's happened?

It's done.
It was easy.

Are you sure?

Look for yourself.

Jocelyn?

It's done, ma'am.

The cheapskate,
offering you only $ .

I'm sure glad you and I
talked about this first.

So am I.

Make it out to cash, $ .

I think the lesson
that story teaches is,

if you want a job
done properly, do it yourself.

Naturally, Jocelyn and
the burglar were caught.

Personally, I don't
see anything shocking

about a person being
paid to commit m*rder.

I do it every week.

But now, I must do
some more experimenting,

which will take exactly,
I think, one minute.

Persons less tolerant than I,

might refer to that commercial
as a hard sell.

However, the sell I think of in
connection with that is a padded one.

I believe
I have at last designed

the perfect flying machine.

As you see, it has
its production problems.

It still has some bugs in it,

and the workers on our assembly
line are going to look rather odd

sitting on all those eggs,
but I'm optimistic.

Now, I wish to thank all
of you for your indulgence.

Next week, I shall be back with more
of the same. Until then, good night.