04x35 - Touché

[bunniefuu]

Good evening amigos.

I feel the day of the illiterate
swordsman has passed.

They seem to be spending
so much time writing

but they are neglecting
the really important work

skewering opponents.

It's a very unhealthy
state of affairs.

Take this gentleman for example.
Listen.

He couldn't possibly win a duel.

Yet he can write words a minute.

Now here is someone who
can neither duel nor write.

But can speak volumes.

And insists on doing so.

Back early today Mr. Fleming.

Yeah, I took about a yards walk into
the woods with my young friend here,

sh*t the lid off a can and
decided I needed a drink.

Smartest decision I made this year.

Arnold, I'd like a bourbon sour,

one of those triple-action
specials you do so well.

- What about you?
- Uh, the same please.

What time did I stop
drinking last night?

I'm not sure.

You...

left here at in the morning

but you were carrying a
full bottle by the neck.

Did I er...
did I talk a lot?

Let's just say that you talked.

Well I don't see why I should be
bending your ear with my troubles.

Secondly, I've only
met you yesterday.

It was about her wasn't it?
My wife.

Yes, sure.

You talked about her quite a bit.

But that wasn't topic A.

You kept saying that you
wanted to k*ll a man.

And you went to
some lengths about it.

You know...

I told you about...

...my wife, how she cheats on me.

She makes up...

for every man she meets
except her own husband.

Well you were fairly
graphic about it Bill, I...

I can't say that you
skip many details.

You know...

I'm thinking about it academically.

Academically in a moose's eye.

I must have had a hole in my head the
size of an apple the day I married her.

Cute little free wheelin'
year old cupcake

and me just passed
Saturday before.

Sure I could k*ll Baxter.
Now if you really really want to know...

- Thank you, Arnold.
- Thank you.

Look it's, it's none
of my business but

why this exclusive
grievance against Baxter.

From what you've told me
he's not exactly the only one.

Well, let's say he's the reigning favorite.

The only one in the pack that
I used to consider a friend.

That makes a difference, you know.

Man my age and two of them
carrying on like monkeys.

Course I could k*ll him.
The only trouble is he won't fight.

No, that would never do at all.
I mean your...

Your fists would be considered
lethal weapons in a court of law.

You were...

You were a professional fighter once.

How did you know that?

I read an article about
you just a few weeks ago

in Hunting And Sportsman's annual.

Ah... that.

Why try to shrug it off Bill?
Look I was...

I was as impressed as the editors.

Let me give you the sample rundown
as they had it in the magazine.

Bill Fleming ex-lumberjack,
professional...

...prize fighter.

Prospector, w*r hero...

...lumber tycoon.

And millionaire.

Not necessarily in that order, well.

Well, here's to you, I won't
pretend I wasn't impressed.

Go ahead and enjoy yourself.

Arnold, how about a refill?

I was ahead of you
this time Mr. Fleming.

Now, just what is that supposed be?
Hot?

It's for plucking olives
from martinis, Bill.

No...

self-respecting saloon...

...would be without one.

I was thinking of that...

...same article I read.

It said that you've
managed to put together

the finest private collection of
dueling weapons in California.

That's just icing on the cake you know.

Waiting for a bold personality,

if you get what I mean.

I was collecting the stuff

because I was trying to keep that popular
sports in the legends still alive, you know.

The house is hung with
them like cooked spaghetti.

They dangle everywhere.

Believe me, right now I wouldn't trade you
a good fish Kn*fe for the whole lot of them.

I was trying to be somebody or something.

But I never am going to be.

Damn Baxter.

Cocky rooster.

Never worked a day in his life,

never fought his way
out of a paper towel.

He didn't need a
phony prop like that.

There he is with Laura
now in my house...

the two of them...

as cozy as lice in a locket.

- Bill?
- Hmm?

Did you ever think of...

Did you ever think of...

challenging Baxter to...

well, to a duel?

What?

I know that sounds...

As I said before I'm only, you know,
I'm only speaking academically.

Academically I've learned, you know,

since I'm been talking to
you smart young fellows.

It means you're wrapping a b*mb in
a package that look like lb of fudge.

Alright let's just say that the whole
thing, it you know, fascinates me.

Why?

Well you talk last night and
again today how you like to...

...k*ll this Baxter and
in a technical sense

and not m*rder him.

Am I close to the truth?

Close to it?
You're sitting right on top of it.

As much as I hate Baxter I like
the gas chamber even less.

All I want to do is belt him in
the mouth about three times,

wring his neck and then throw him
through a tightly locked window.

Bill...

you're a throwback to the
days of the old wild west but,

but for an ex professional fighter I'm,

I'm afraid that wouldn't be
the most strategic approach.

As I told you before I'll be

taking my bar examination
in the spring, so I'm more...

fascinated by the...

by the legal than the personal
aspects of your situation.

But, what's duelling got to do with it?

I'm getting to that.

I'm trying to tell you that
under California law

they still grant special
consideration to anyone who

damages

or for that matter

kills another person in a duel.

You see, there are all sorts of odd provisions
remaining on the statues from the days of

of Spanish rule.

Did you know that?

I don't know my left ear from
Yosemite National Park

but it doesn't mean
I'm not willing to learn.

Well, actually what I'm talking
about is pretty well covered

in section of the civil code.

You see, it still remains in the
minds of most of us that a duel

represents an affair of honor.

So that the conditions in your
own case they couldn't be better.

When you said before that your...

You said before that your wife's
affair with Baxter is on what...

...what you might somewhat call a

semi-public scale, haven't you?

You mean I've done everything
but sell tickets?

- Yeah.
- That...

plus the fact that Baxter was for a
brief time one of your closest friends.

I can tell you this right now the
average jury would vote you...

...three chairs now.

bottle of your favorite brandy
if you k*lled Baxter in a duel.

If I were able to...

represent you I could...

It's like a guarantee an acquittal.

Not that we're...

not that we're talking seriously of course.
We're...

...only speculating.

No, no, no, hold a minute.
Well, I'm gonna think.

Nah...

It's ridiculous, it'll never work.

A man who won't fight with his hands
hasn't much belly for any other things.

I know Baxter.

I go down there and he
just stand and smile at me,

he'll say "Hello Bill, help yourself".

Make me feel like a
assassin or an idiot.

A man can be made
to fight with swords.

Not Baxter, you don't know Baxter.

Any man, Bill.

If you goad him enough.

Stick him enough.

Keep it up is what I mean until

well, if he has a w*apon at hand, he's

he's going to defend himself.

Any kind of a creature will fight
under certain circumstances.

A saint, a worm or a...

...or your Mr. Baxter.

How academically you being now?

How academic would
you like me to be?

You live in California, don't you?

Sure, just across the border
about miles from here.

It's country like this, isn't it?

Ya, big.

Stick a pig nobody ever
hear him hollering.

You want a drink?

You want another drink?

No.

No I don't think so.

I can't afford to get drunk today.

Oh hello.

Why back so soon?

Isn't the hunting any good up there?

The hunting was lousy up there.

But I think it's going to
get better from now on.

Get up on your feet.

Come on now. Let's not spoil
the pleasant evening, old boy.

Are you drunk, dear?

Drunk as usual.

Not as usual.
This time a little differently.

Something new has been added.

Drunk or sober dear,

no man can impersonate the
Three Musketeers by himself.

This is not going to be
a solo performance.

I repeat my invitation.

Get up on your feet!

What's this supposed to be?

A parlour game to
end all parlour games.

I'm going to k*ll you.

Oh sure Bill, yes Bill.

Do you mind if I finish
my Martini first?

It's pretty strong for
kid's stuff, isn't it?

Get up, Baxter, get up!

Honestly, Bill.

It's alright, I think maybe you better
fix our boy a nice soothing drink

or else how he'll get his
head under the shower.

Now look Bill, all jokes aside,
now fun is fun.

Yes, so they tell me, especially
when the husband's away.

If you have the guts of a mouse,

you pick up that sabre and not make
me stick you like a side of beef.

You know something, he could be
just foolish enough to believe this.

I don't want to spoil anybody's party
but maybe you better just call the cops.

Stop it!
Are you out of your mind?!

Maybe I am. Maybe I am just
enough to get this job done right!

Stop it!

Bill listen.

Laura. Laura, talk to him!

I don't think he's fooling.

I don't think he's fooling at all.

They're only skin wounds.

You're just as healthy as I am.

You know as much about
swords as I do, anybody does.

Now pick it up and fight.

Can't we talk about it Bill?

Talk about what?

You're better off fighting than
you are bleeding to death.

I'm gonna stick you again!

Oh no, you don't!

Stand up and fight!

Hi Dan.

I kind of figured you'll be here.

What happened to you?

Oh, nothing much happened to me.

I k*lled a man that's all.

I figured you boys will
be entitled to know.

You k*lled a man.

I don't believe that.

You're er... not drunk,
are you Bill?

I'm not drunk at all.

I just k*lled a man in a duel.

In a duel?
Now I know you're drunk.

- Look, this happens to be ...
- and doomsday, especially for Phil Baxter.

I ran a sabre through his
belly about minutes ago.

Baxter?

You mean you came
back here early from...

Go ahead, say it Dan,
don't worry about my feelings.

I came back early and
I found him with Laura.

Well, it's not a surprise
to you isn't it?

Wasn't any secret, was it?

No Bill, I guess not.

As a matter of fact, I don't think
anybody will blame you too much.

As a cop, I shouldn't
be saying that.

As a friend, well...

There isn't much I can
do except call the Chief.

I know Dan, it's your job.

A sabre, Bill?

Oh you can bet it wasn't a Scout Kn*fe.

You've seen that stuff
I have up at the house.

Baxter.
Did he have a chance?

He had a sabre.

He had the same chance I had then.

Wouldn't you say?

Well like I said, I've got to
call the chief and the coroner.

They want to go out to
your house right away.

One other thing.
About your wife, she all right?

Depends on what you call all right.

If you mean that I do anything to her

the answer is no.

Maybe I should have,
maybe I even wanted to, but...

I've never been any good with women.

Chief is never going to
believe this, I'm telling you.

After all the times you me and
him went fishing together.

Another thing Bill,
a friendly tip.

Might be smart to call your lawyer

on that other phone before you do any
more talking to me or anybody else.

I got you.

Chief Brewster, please.

I don't pretend to make any
excuse for what happened.

If I told you I had any noble motive.

Other than satisfying my anger
and my humiliation I'd be lying.

It's well...

Just the case of I came home that
night when they didn't expect me.

I found the two of them together and

what happened after that
I've told you time and again.

How long have you
known Philip Baxter?

Oh, not too long about a year-and-a-half.

I didn't know much about his affairs
and there was a time there when I...

considered him a pretty close friend.

And then I began to hear things.

And I realized that it wasn't any
secret to a lot of people that...

my wife and Baxter were
carrying on together.

All I wanted to do was punch
his nose or break his neck.

Did you attempt to punch Philip
Baxter the night he was k*lled?

- No sir.
- Why not?

Well nothing would have
pleased him more.

See I was a professional fighter
in my younger days and...

Well I outweigh him lbs.

How do you believe it would have
pleased him if you had hit him?

Well the same way it
would please little guys

that don't weigh more
than a pair of wet socks

that used to throw
punches at Jack Dempsey.

Just in the hope that the champ
would clobber them one and...

...they could drag him into court.

Hey, Baxter knew I had money and he
wanted that as much as he wanted my wife.

I see.

Now Mr. Fleming...

I uh... I must ask you again.

If in this duel you fought with him,

Philip Baxter was equally armed?

Baxter had exactly the
same w*apon I did.

Thank you.

Well, it's good to have real friends.

- Mr. Fleming?
- Yes?

Mr. Fleming, the judge would like
to see you inside with Mr. Faber.

- Now?
- Now if you don't mind sir.

Sit down.

Now frankly gentlemen,

I feel that this jury, sentimental
as their approach might have been,

was entitled to return
a verdict of not guilty.

I think that my instructions to
them reflected my own feelings.

- You agree George?
- Oh, completely sir.

Good. Now we'll get on
to the matter at hand.

Now just as Bill was the beneficiary

of the liberal provisions of the
civil code in reference to duels

I feel that I must in all conscience

give due consideration to another
provision of section .

And I'll quote.

"If any person slays or permanently disables
another person in a duel in this state"

"the person must provide for the widow or wife
of the person slain or permanently disabled."

"And for the children."

"In such a manner and at such a cost"

"either by aggregate compensation
and damages to each"

"or by a monthly, quarterly
or annual allowance"

"to be determined by the court."

Well, having anticipated this,

I can tell you both that the deceased
Philip Baxter was a widower.

But he is survived by a son.

Bearing in mind the substantial
wealth of the successful duelist,

I've already decided to award the son

an aggregate compensation
in the amount of $ , .

Plus a monthly allowance
of $ , per month.

For life.

Well, isn't that terribly steep?

For a man's life?

What do you think Bill?

To be rid of Baxter

and a free man myself,

it's cheap at half the price.

I'll go in with you, Bill.

No, nevermind.

Just gonna throw a
few things in a bag.

You can drive me
back to that hotel.

I'm not sure if I heard
someone darling.

Music is so loud.

Well, hello dear.

Welcome.

I thought I heard you
stumbling around outside.

Can I make you a drink?

We have company.

You expect me to be surprised?

Yes dear.

Naturally I...

Why I never mentioned
to you before that I was...

Philip Baxter Junior.
After all that would have...

Wow that would
have spoiled the fun.

My feeling is that...

well, we should, we should
put the past behind us, Bill.

Since I'm gonna be your guest
for the next years or so.

Well...

would you mind
if I call you dad?

This is not quite the end of our story.

One duel later, Junior was dead

and Fleming was in prison.

I believe I see a very rich
and pompous landowner

approaching with another
-minute proclamation.

I shall return anon.

I'm quite excited.

I have here the very latest model.

It has tremendous
commercial possibilities.

You see this one
writes underwater.

Now if we can just get
the bankers to approve.

Next week we should be
back with another story.

Until then...

...good night.