02x04 - iHire a New Assistant

Episode scripts for the TV show, "iCarly". Aired: June 17, 2021 to present.*

Moderators: Riverbunny1313, Idamaged212

Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise



Carly and her friends are in their twenties as they learn to balance work, home and their social life.
Post Reply

02x04 - iHire a New Assistant

Post by bunniefuu »

Good morning, Mr. Mint.

Here's your breakfast, Radical Rosemary.

Rise and shine, Jim.

You're giving off very
strong lonely widow vibes.

I'm watering my plants
for my new iCarly PlantCam.

It's a livestream so viewers
can pop in at any time

and check on their progress.

It's become something of a soap opera.

Yeah, I can tell by
looking at his leaves,

Jim is the evil twin.

Why are you dressed like the
Grim Reaper on casual Friday?

I am trying on my new outfit

for when Granddad Shay visits next week.

I'm hoping if I dress
like an old person,

it'll help us bond.

I'm also gonna dye my hair white.

Why would you do that when you
could just stop dying it brown?

Just be cool.

We haven't seen Granddad in forever,

and I really want this
visit to be a good time.

He's like the only family we have.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

He's not the only family we have.

We also have dad and that lady

who claimed to be our sister
right when she needed a kidney.

Granddad? What are you doing here?

I realize I'm a week early.

Traffic was a lot
better than I expected.

- (GIGGLING)
- Oh, Carly!

My little gumdrop.

It's been quite a while.
I've really missed you.

Aw, me too, Granddad.

Spencer.

So close, we don't even need a nickname.

Hey, let's all go around
and say what we like

about each other's life choices.

Patches on your elbows?

- Huh?
- Oh, do you need a loan?

No, Spencer spent two years

decorating this whole place himself.

He picked all the
furniture, every tabletop,

every light fixture.

Impressive.

I did two tours in Vietnam.

Well, I haven't just decorated.

Lately I've been
spending most of my time

focusing on my new business.

That's right, I have a business.

It's new.

I do business there.

You wanna see my coin collection?

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

What do you need, Radical Rosemary?

More water? Less water?

Sparkling water? Use your words!

(PHONE RINGING)

I'm so busy. Work texts, PlantCam,

shopping for wigs that, let's face it,

I'm never gonna buy.

Harper keeps saying that
I should get an assistant.

But it usually only comes
up when it's her turn

to unload the dishwasher.

I just wish I had more time
to spend with you, Granddad.

Don't worry about me, Carly.

Since I retired, I've gotten
used to being lonely and bored.

I spend most of my days watching re-runs

of Third Rock from the Sun.

Let me go through my schedule

and find time for us to spend together.

Uh... no.

Not then.

Why did I write "panic
att*ck" with a smiley face?

Carly, you have no system.

Here, let me show you mine.

Those all just say "watch
Third Rock from the Sun."

(SIGHS) If they stop rerunning that
show, I don't know what I'll do.

Granddad, that system
is actually amazing.

Wait. You should be my assistant!

Think about it.

You're bored, you're super organized,

and you love unloading the dishwasher.

Unless you think it'd be weird?

No, I think it'd be a great way
for us to spend time together.

I'll start right now.

Clock me in, Gumdrop.

Also, when's lunch?

Why do you need to call your doctor

about an irregular cycle?

Is your Peloton broken?

There it is. There's the weird part.

Now, the menu is not finalized yet,

but check this out.

I took my smoothie pops, aka "smops,"

and I made them with juice.

Behold the J-Smop!

So, they're just Popsicles?

Yeah, but I copyrighted J-Smops.

Okay, I have to go.

I'm auditioning hamsters
for a therapy position,

and parking's a nightmare.

How do you audition
hamsters for therapy?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Some hamsters can be more
empathetic than others.

I'm just kidding. I
buy a bunch of hamsters,

and the ones who don't
run away get the gig.

Yeah, you better go.

Finding a parking spot in Seattle

is like finding a quiet Aries.

(LAUGHTER) Right.

(LAUGHING) So true!

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Don't even get me started
on how an Aries gets gas!

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- HARPER: Bye, Pearl.

Total Aquarius move.

- Not that he would know.
- Yeah, not that he would know.

Agreeing with Millicent
makes me feel young.

Pearl loves astrology

and I want to be able
to talk to her about it.

Ooh, let me do your birth chart.

It's like the old saying,
"Teach a man to fish

and he'll catch a Pisces."

(LAUGHTER)

Ooh, girl, let me catch a breath!

That is fully hilarious
for those in the know.

Just plug in the time and
location of your birth,

and your mother's pelvic angle.

Thirty-one degrees.
Very auspicious angle.

Very sad I know that.

Huh.

Moon. Pisces.

The Fourth House?!

Oh, this is bad. Bad, bad, bad.

What? Does it say I'm gonna die?

Worse! Your birth chart

is a perfect match to my birth chart.

We're soul mates.

(LAUGHING) What?

- No, we're not.
- I know!

I mean, she is so out of your league.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're lucky Harper
even knows your name.

Come on, Harper. This
whole thing is bogus.

Your skepticism balancing my whimsy?

But of course.

We're perfect for each other.

(WHIMPERING)

Are you crying?

Damn you, Mom, and your
scheduled C-section.

This J-Smop is hitting.

I'm working, not shopping!

Not for your lowly assistant
to judge, but here goes.

Those shoes are ugly.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

- I am kinda hungry.
- Ah.

You could have one of my
pre-prepared morning snacks.

FYI, they're all yogurt.

It helps me go.

Key lime pie?

Granddad, you are
begging for a promotion.

(CHUCKLES) And I booked you a collab.

- Seriously?
- Mm.

I'm surprised you know what a collab is.

I looked up a list of
young words on the web.

I do not wanna be a cheugy!

So, who's the collab with?

Me and the coins.

Hmm. Let me think about it.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll get that.

That's your assistant's job.

Carly Shay's office.

Pot guy?

My granddaughter is not a druggie!

The ' s are over! You lost!

It's not the pot guy,
it's my pottery guy.

- Oh.
- My babies are finally growing up

and gonna be able to
move into bigger homes.

Oh. Sorry I messed up that call.

You know, I could use a list
of my job responsibilities.

Sure, I'll write
something up for you later.

how 'bout you type it up now?

Size font. None of
that sans serif crap.

And while you're up,
I'll take a Werther's

and a cup for my teeth.

Ah, your steak au poivre
at : in the morning.

I have no follow-up questions.

It's for Granddad. I
made him my assistant

so we can spend more time together.

Then why are you getting him a steak?

I guess I somehow kind
of became his assistant.

No fair, he always picks you!

You know what, why don't I have Granddad

come here and have lunch?

Then, you can show him the restaurant

and he can show you his teeth.

Which reminds me, can I
get a thick, clear cup?

Granddad can't come here,
he'll rip this place apart.

I at least need to paint
a mural on that wall.

You're right. Granddad
will probably look

at that blank wall
and be all, "In my day,

"we didn't have blank walls.

We had one bone and we made
five weeks of soup out of it."

Hey, Carly. Are you mad at me?

- No, why?
- Because I asked you

if you wanted anything from
the grocery store earlier,

and you replied, "No.
Period. Bye. Period."

Oh, no.

Granddad must be replying
to my texts from my computer.

- Mm.
- Everyone knows old people

are the worst texters.

They don't get digital nuance.

Yeah, well, he's also yelling
at people in the iCarly comments.

He's logged in as you and it
looks like you told someone

to go die in a jalopy fire.

I don't know what a jalopy is,
but the rest sounds pretty mean.

What am I gonna do? I
can't fire my own Granddad.

One banana almond smoothie
with five strawberries

- and a splash of apple juice.
- That's mine.

I ordered the same thing.

That doesn't mean we're soul mates.

- You guys want straws?
- BOTH: No straw, long spoon.

(GASPS) I told you!

Our two hearts b*at as
one, you gorgeous dumbass.

Wow, Granddad Shay,

that was a really
interesting coin presentation.

Thank you, young lady.

Guess you could say
I'm a "coin-fluencer."

You're a real "coin-tent creator."

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Look at that, we both
coined new phrases!

And that's it for our
first episode of...

BOTH: My Two Cents!

"Coin-tent creator"?

Not my proudest moment.

But he pays me $ every time
I laugh at one of his jokes.

And say what you will,

Granddad brought a ton of
viewers to your livestream.

Way more than you usually get.

You filmed that on my livestream?

Well, what happened to my PlantCam?

Turns out there was
a change of "plants."

(LAUGHING)

Granddad, this is my channel.

Do you think Oprah lets her granddad

do coin shows on OWN?

No, and that's the only difference

between you and Oprah.

Thank you, Carly.

For the first time since I retired,

I feel a real sense of accomplishment.

Actually, the first time
was last week at Skybucks

when I successfully
ordered a frappuccino.

Well, I don't wanna
take it away from you

if you're really enjoying
making these coin videos.

Maybe we can do a collab.
Your coins, my plants?

Pass.

Actually, Granddad and I have
a list of stuff for you to do

while we rehearse the next segment.

It's an appreciation of
the Brasher Doubloon.

People need to know about the Brasher D.

Do they?

Of course, they do! It's the Brasher D.

I get when I agree with him.

Okay, what kind of therapy
animal would you suggest

for a -year-old woman
with a fear of flying?

Well, we could be responsible
and recommend a small dog.

Ooh, or we could be
bad, give her a snake,

and wind up with a plane
full of new customers.

Pearl! I have something to tell you.

Fredward and I are soul mates.

Excuse me?

Harper did my birth chart

so I could learn more about
astrology to impress you,

and our charts are a match.

A perfect match.

Can you please tell Harper

that this doesn't mean anything?

I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

The stars have spoken,
and we must listen.

What?!

You're very practical. Taurus?

Yeah, dude.

But I also did Freddie's chart,

and, well, your mom
and I have been texting

ever since she put a
tracking device on my car.

- (MOUTHING)
- But he and I,

also a perfect match.

Now, we just have to see who
matches with him physically.

Only one way to do that.

Here? Now?

(CLEARS THROAT)

The three of us?

BOTH: Salsa dancing.

Wait, what did you think
we were talking about?

Salsa dancing.

Okay, so to recap.

I'm a perfect match for both of you.

Two of us want to date each other.


Two of us have absolutely no interest

in dating each other,

and we're gonna solve
this with salsa dancing?

Well, you wouldn't solve
it with a Viennese waltz.

That would be insane.

I'm not the coin-fluencer's assistant!

He's my assistant!

I agree, it's not going well!

What are you doing?

I am swamped.

Granddad gave out my email on the show.

Can you believe that? He knows my email.

I thought Millicent was his assistant.

Nah, she's his number
one, I'm his number two,

and you're kind of like our intern.

It's kind of amazing
the show is so popular.

Mm, not really.

They come for the buffalo nickels,

but they stay for the silver fox.

Apparently, Granddad is hot.

Spencer, I'm forwarding
Granddad's emails to Carly.

You're not responding fast enough,

and your tone could use some work.

Fine, let's see if Granddad's Gumdrop

can handle the deluge!

(PHONE CHIMING)

Ugh!

Granddad, we need to talk.

Oh, Mr. Shay can spare minutes

Thursday of next week.

This isn't working.

All I wanted was to spend
quality time with you.

But, I'm sorry.

I have to... fire you.

(WHISPERING) Pack your bags.

(SOFTER) Please.

You're f*ring me? Huh?

That's an interesting wrong decision.

(PHONE CHIMES) After I answer

these last few emails.

I don't wanna leave you in a lurch.

Who is Vinny?

He's an old friend.

Why does he say he's going
to "quaff you in the noof"?

(PHONE CHIMES) Oh, wait.

"Sorry for the typos. I'm driving.

Meant to say I'm gonna
s*ab you in the neck."

He's like an old friend and an enemy.

I wish there was a colloquial term

to describe that relationship.

He also thinks I stole
my coins from him.

Well, why would he think that?

Because I stole my coins from him.

I lost them to Vinny in a poker game,

so I broke into his
place and took them back.

Coin heists? Nemesis?!

If you're a supervillain,
you have to tell me.

Granddad, you have to give
the coins back to Vinny.

He's on his way here to k*ll you.

You mean us. Vinny's
not big on witnesses.

I'm not giving these coins back.

They've been in the
family for generations.

Your great-great-grandfather
stole 'em fair and square.

You're gonna risk your life over coins?

It's not like they're front row tickets

to Ricky Martin.

Vinny is not murdering Granddad.

If Granddad is gonna die, it
is gonna be from natural causes

or falling into a pond and drowning

'cause he was trying
to feed a specific duck.

I'll think of a way out of
this. Just leave it all to me.

Spencer, I really appreciate

you helping out your old Granddad.

And if you pull this off,

there is a crisp twenty-dollar bill

with your name on it.

Wait, so saving your life

and laughing at your
jokes gets the same amount?

Carly, shut up. I want
those twenty bones.

Thanks for letting us have
salsa night at your place.

Well, thank you for
being a part of my plan.

What plan?

My secret plan.

If you're gonna do a dramatic pause,

it's always best to do it with a...

...prop.

Isn't Spencer's restaurant great?

I like the cool blank wall.

I feel like it's saying,
"Hey guys, I'm just a wall.

So, why doesn't everybody
chill out and move on?"

I call it lazy.

In my day, you had a blank wall,

you put up a sign to "Join the Army."

It won't be blank for long.

It's all part of the... plan.

(COINS JINGLING)

What the hell are you wearing?

These are my custom-made
Spencer Shay salsa slacks.

(COINS JINGLING)

Wait, are those my coins
sewn into your pants?

They're slacks, and yeah,

it's all part of the... plan.

How are they...

Oh no, Vinny's here. I'm dead.

He looks both frail and scary,

so I'm relieved, but still terrified.

And now... I dance.

Spencer, if he sees your pants...

It's part of the plan!

- Give me my coins back.
- What coins?

The coins on your coin collecting show,

which I watched and
really enjoyed, by the way.

Hey, here's a fun different topic

to help us all forget about coins.

Can you believe they
have women pilots now?

Well, I'm ready for salsa dancing

to decide who I'm compatible with,

even though I've already
decided I like Pearl,

and astrology is ridiculous.

He still thinks it's up to him.

Oh, God, I hope we suck at this.

Not as much as I do.

(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Damn it, we're great at this.

You'll pry those coins out
of my cold, dead fingers.

I'll do it when your fingers are warm.

It takes two hours for
a body to cool down.

That Lena Horne is some hot dish, huh?

(COINS JINGLING)

Who is this kid?

He's my grandson,

and I'm as disappointed
as you think I am.

Spencer, if Vinny sees your pants,

he's gonna know where the coins are.

You gotta get out of here.

And now... we dance.

(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING, COINS JINGLING)

Our turn.

Let's dance like nobody's watching,

even though people are.

Look at them, working out
their problems through dance.

Why don't you guys try that?

Help less, Gumdrop.

All right, let's finish this.

See if you can handle
some of my signature moves.

Why?!

FREDDIE: Ah!

Freddie!

Do you know what this
means? We're a match!

Ooh!

Hold up, hold on.

Hey, girl, what's your sign?

Libra with a Leo rising.

Ooh, I'm a Sag with a Libra rising!

We're compatible!

I'm good. Freddie's all you.

All right, enough pleasantries.

Time for m*rder.

No, Vinny, wait!

Your coins are on these pants!

You're lucky the little
lady stepped in, Shay,

because you were about to tango

with Osteo and Porosis.

Thanks for saving my butt, guys.

Unfortunately, I can't pass those coins

down to you after all.

Actually, I think
you'll still be able to.

The coins will be hidden in plain sight

at Shay What forever.

Wait, then what was
sewn into your pants?

Oh, my custom-made
Spencer Shay fake coins.

All part of my... scheme.

Great job, Spencer.

Spencer, oh-ho!

I'm proud of you. There, I said it.

(CHOKING UP) Proud of me?

I'm just... so happy...

My whole life... Family hug!

(SOBBING)

Spencer, Carly, you
"coin" always count on me.

(SPENCER GROANING, MILLICENT LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Are you sure you wanna
drive back to Yakima tonight?

I don't want to overstay my welcome.

- You could never...
- Let me put it bluntly.

You're getting on my nerves again.

Good news, Granddad.

Looks like you and I could
be soul mates as well.

But there's only one way to find out.

- I thought you'd never ask.
- Oh!

(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)

And there it is.

There's the weird part again.


♪ ♪

Ooh!

MAN: He hates these cans.
Post Reply