02x05 - iCupid

[bunniefuu]

That was "Careless Whisper"

by the innumerable George Michael.

That's not what "innumerable" means.

Oh, yes, it is. On Brother's Day,

we only say nice things to Spencer.

So yes, that was
definitely George Michael.

Isn't that right, guys?

- Obviously.
- Of course!

Innumerably!

You're a regular Kenny G.

Or a regular Craig Saunders.

Y'all don't know him. We went
to boarding school together.

But he could shred on the sax.

I went to boarding school.

You know, my mom played
Kenny G to me in the womb.

She read that playing smooth
jazz to a baby in utero

is supposed to make
them come out gifted.

With that? The gift of being lame?

Cut it out. Be nice to Pearl.

'Cause she's my perfect little cupcake.

You're my perfect little jellybean.

- We're the worst.
- The worst!

Yeah. You really do suck.

I thought you really liked Pearl.

What changed, Milli Vanill?

Look, I only trust her
as far as I can throw her,

which is not very far because
I'm and she's at least .

Thank you all for being here.

And a special thanks to my girl Tootsie.

It's just too bad she's
only allowed out once a year.

'Cause of my brass allergy.

Ugh, so frustrating. You're so talented!

So, everyone, raise your
OJ and beer "man-mosas."

To Spencer.

This drink is sweet and makes no sense.

Just like you.

- Thank you.
- To Spencer!

Ah, thanks, sis.

I'm honored to be your big brother.

Did I make sacrifices? Sure.

So I never backpacked through Europe

or finished law school

or toured with the U.S. cast of Stomp.

And maybe in a different world
where I wasn't a surrogate dad

to Carly, I'd have settled down
by now with my one true love.

Yet, a thousand meaningless
one night stands later,

I'm all alone.

But, hey, Carly's doing great.

Happy Brother's Day.

Happy Brother's Day.

I feel so guilty knowing
that I held Spencer back

from finding true love.

Don't blame yourself.

Your brother's an idiot.
Nice place, though.

What if I hire a really expensive

matchmaker for Spencer?

Oh, that's a terrible idea.

What if I already hired a
really expensive matchmaker

to help Spencer, and I
can't get my deposit back?

Then yay! Best sister ever!

Her name is McKenna Donatacci.

And apparently, she's
on this show called...

- Code Red Flags.
- Code Red Flags?

You hired the host of Code Red Flags

to find Spencer a match?

- Do you know her?
- Uh, yeah!

J'obsessed.

I've seen every single episode.

I even submitted an audition tape

once or twice or times.

She says that every single guy
is either one of two things,

a Red Flag or a Mr. Cool Guy.

What's a Mr. Cool Guy?

It's her prototype for the perfect guy.

Frosted tips, tasteful choker,

and tattoos in a language
he does not speak.

Oh, my God!

Hi, McKenna. I'm Carly.

And I'm Carly's roommate,
Harper. Huge, huge fan!

Can I try on your shoes?

In your mind you can.

So, Carly, before I fix up your brother,

I need to make sure
there are no... red flags.

Now, there are three in
particular that every man

should avoid.

Red flag number one: no roommates.

If he still splits the
rent, she shall not consent.

'Cause that's a red flag, y'all.

I love it when she says it.

Well, Spencer owns this very apartment,

so one for one.

Red flag number two:

Height.

One should just be tall.

If you're under five
nine, don't waste my time,

'cause that's a red flag, bitch!

"Be tall." It seems like
a hard rule to follow.

But Spencer does.

And red flag number three is immaturity.

See, women want a man who's confident,

but doesn't demand
attention at all times.

If he acts like a baby,
it's not even a maybe.

'Sup?

Oh, uh, Spencer! Your bonnet?

Uh, Carly, your face?

Spencer. Hi, McKenna Donatacci,
professional matchmaker

with an extremely high success rate,

and owner of four cars.

Mm. You're helping Harper?
She's single, and has no cars.

Spencer! Don't tell
McKenna I have no cars.

This is my gift to you.

You said you hadn't met the one.

Uh, I don't really have
trouble getting ladies,

but if it makes you happy, Carly,

I'll go out on multiple
dates with beautiful women.

Just no Caitlins. I'm
so done with Caitlins.

Finally, we can catch
up on The Good Fight.

Hey, you didn't watch any
episodes without me, right?

No. But I might've had
a dream with exact plot

of the next three episodes.

Oh, you are the worst liar.

You're the worst liar.

So, what are we thinking for dinner?

Lamb chops or spaghetti?

Oh, Pearl doesn't eat meat, so...

Lamb chops it is.

Great. So now you're gonna
bully my girlfriend too?

I smell a rat.

Mm. You've been talking
with Millicent, haven't you?

Yep. And if our little Milli Vanill

doesn't trust Pearl, then neither do I.

She's the first woman
you've seriously dated

since adopting Millicent.

I'm just looking out for her.

Who, Pearl?

No! Millicent.

Not that mousy-haired barnacle
you scraped off a crab trap.

She... saw me, right?

I'm sorry. She and Millicent
are struggling to get used to me

being in a real relationship.

They somehow figured
out a way to make sure

that I only get male Uber drivers.

Look, as long as you're living
under your mother's roof,

she is gonna treat you like a child.

Uh...

Just my opinion.

She does not treat me like a child.

Babykins, you want your lamb chops cubed

and not touching anything
else on the plate, like always?

My food can touch.

Oh. Are we sad eating or sex eating?

Can't help but notice the two plates

and the zero underwear.

I have met the lady of my dreams.

She's intelligent, she's funny.

I'm pretty sure she has two tongues.

I'm sorry I doubted you, sis.

You were so right to hire McKenna.

So, who is my future sister-in-law?

Morning!

Oh, hey, McKenna.

Whoa! Spencer has that same robe.

Good morning, beautiful.
How was your shower?

- Did you miss me?
- We're not there yet.

Yet!

Your coffee. You get
my special Carly mug.

Oh. Ah, look at that.

She's on both sides.

And the bottom.

Well, it's my turn to shower.

Hopefully, you left
me some strands of hair

stuck to the wall. Mwah!

We want details. Tell us everything.

Yes. Tell me more, tell me more.

Like did he have a car?

Are you quoting Grease?

I just feel very
uncomfortable right now.

Oh, well, you know how it goes.

I said I liked his art.

He said, "Then you'll
like my body even more."

I said, "Never say that again."

And then we had sex.

Look. Please don't
tell anyone about this.

A matchmaker should never
sleep with her client.

Aw. And I shouldn't have slept
with that lady at the library.

But she was hot. And very quiet.

This is so unprofessional of me.

Spencer's not even the type I go for.

Well, what's wrong with my brother?

I mean, it's not every day
you meet a Spencer Shay.

Brass allergy.

Guess who found the coolest fedora?

Or I can save that story

for when whatever this is blows over.

We know how much you like Pearl,
but we thought it would help

to get the whole picture.

We've done a deep dive on Pearl,

and trust me, the world does
not seem to be her oyster.

I have it on good authority

that she claps when the plane lands.

She orders ice cream in a
cone, then asks for a cup.

Okay, Princess Diana.

And I've seen her eat a banana
without peeling it first.

Oh, so you're not just bullying Pearl,

you're spying on her, too?

Peel and all? Is it even ripe?

Don't blame Millicent.

This was all my idea.

I'm gonna go polish your
old fencing trophies.

That always helps me blow off steam.

Millicent, now that my app's taken off,

your old dad has a little
extra lettuce in his crisper.

I think it's time we
look for a new place.

I do not think so. Good talk, though.

And that's why I'll be paying rent.

So I'm the one making the decisions.

From now on, just call me Rent Daddy.

Never. We can't move.

I hung a poster.

- Millicent...
- With a nail!

A unit just opened up in The Windham.

Look at this. Three bedrooms,

two bathrooms with Jacuzzis,

and Bette Midler's niece
lives in the penthouse.

And this... would be your room.

The view from my bedroom

is literally the one on this poster.

I know!

We need a fresh start, kiddo,

somewhere to put down roots.

Okay. Let's do this.

All right! Let's do this!

But I do have one request.

- What's that?
- Dump Pearl.

- No.
- But even monkeys know

you peel the banana first.

McKenna said she wants
to keep things between us

"strictly business."

That it was a one night
stand and nothing more.

I feel so used.

Cool, but used.

I've never seen you like this.

I am indeed... forlorn.

Well, maybe McKenna just needs
to see you in a different light.

What, like dusk?

That's when bats come
out, and I cannot be chill

if I know they're up there.

You know her type.

- What, a Mr. Cool Guy?
- What's a Mr. Cool Guy?

It's how she dresses all
the guys on Code Red Flags.

Like a guy who gives
off a club promoter vibe

even at the grocery store.

If we turn Spencer into a Mr. Cool Guy,

he'll be irresistible to McKenna.

You really think this could work?

Yes, I do. And so should you.

Now, all hands in on three.

One. Two. Three.

- Mr. Cool Guy!
- Yippee!

We probably should've
gone over it before.

Hey.

Freddie!

This gift is almost as
good as those vintage

toenail clippers you
got me for my birthday.

Wait, what gift?

A son moving his mother

into a luxury high-rise building?

The ladies in my book club
are fuming with jealousy.

Danica bit her wine glass in two.

I filled Grandma B in

on all the details
about our new apartment.

Including the Jacuzzi jets.

You know you've made
it when your tub purrs.

Bacterial nightmare, but what a flex!

I'm sorry, Mom. Millicent misunderstood.

It's just the two of us
moving into The Windham.

- Oh, you and me?
- Ooh. Mom, no.

Me and Millicent.

But there are three bedrooms.

Yes, one for you, one for me, one for...

Let me guess. Pearl.

No. My office.

Our office.

I'll just use the kitchen.

There it is.

Maybe you're not thinking clearly.

Did you go number two today?

You get so cranky when
your pipes are clogged.

No, Mom. This is the decision

that's right for me and my daughter.

I can't be your little boy forever.

I'm a Rent Daddy now.

Oh, Mom, come on!

There's no way that means
what he think it means.

McKenna.

I am about to change your life.

My life is perfect.

Come in anyway.

This better be worth it.

I just left lunch with a
man who's seven foot five.

Oh, it will be.

May we present to you...

Mr. Cool Guy.

'Sup?

Oh. Is that every member
of Entourage I see?

Oh, no. That is actually your dream man.

And, incidentally, my
brother Spencer Shay.

Spencer? Are you in there?

I think so.

Note the skin-tight jeans,
the sole dangly earring,

the deepest of V-necks.

Behold the V.

Isn't he everything you
ever wanted and more?

Wow.

This is easily, without a doubt,

the biggest red flag I have ever seen!

What do you mean, I'm a red flag?

Put your two tongues in
my mouth and tell me that.

Look, normally, I would crawl
through that frosted-tip tundra

on my hands and knees.

But, people, he let his
sister do a makeover on him!

Who is she talking to?

It's classic codependence,
which is a big no-no,

as I say in my book, Be
Like This, Not Like That,

available wherever books are sold.

Oh, that reminds me. We
need to go to the bookstore.

The new spooky stories
are coming out tonight.

And we can read them under
the covers with a flashlight.

Ooh, don't tell me the
ending. No spoilers.

So, don't you find it weird

that you guys live in the same building?

Weird? I mean, it's not like

- we live in the same apartment.
- Anymore.

Mm-hmm. And don't you
have the same friend group?

Well, sure. There's
Carly's roommate Harper,

my neighbor Freddie,
Freddie's daughter...

Ooh, Freddie's mother.

I guess most of our friends
are in this building.

- Ooh, ooh, and... Wait, water?
- No, thank you.

Tell her your names
in each other's phones.

Sister Daughter.

- Brother Father.
- Mm.

You're right. We're like two globs

of tapioca at the bottom of a boba tea.

Delicious.

Impossible to separate.

Fixed it. I now put her in
my phone as Honey Sister.

I promise. You'll still see
us all the time, Grandma B.

I can even send you
videos of Dad sleeping.

Oh, don't worry. I
already set up a nanny cam.

But I'll tell you a secret.

I might miss you even more than Freddie.

Just don't tell him. He'll be crushed.

Millicent, um, I have some bad news.

You're back to finish that fedora story?

It actually has a juicy twist.

Our application was
denied. We're not moving.

I think the best thing for our family

is to be with our whole family.

Long live the Bensons!

- No. Just the Bensons.
- Oh...

What... No.

Stop! Stop it!

For the last time, Pearl
is a part of my life,

which means that she
is a part of yours, too.

So get with it or...

Actually, no "or." End of sentence.

Freddie, I've never seen
you so assertive before.

Say more things like that.

Watch this.

Mom, if Millicent and I
are going to stay here,

then I insist on paying the rent,

but you have to start
treating me like an adult...

nay, a Rent Daddy.

Ugh!

Hey, Millicent, here's a thought.

How about we turn your poster
into life-size wallpaper?

That way you can still
have your waterfront view.

I can help.

Not a bad idea, Pearl. Not bad at all.

Want to go get tacos with me and Dad?

You can even sit at
the same table as us.

I'd love that. Millicent Vanillicent.

Don't try to do your own thing.

Come on, gals.

Ugh.

With all the money I'm saving in rent,

I bet I can get Pearl
on that no-fly list.

We'll see if she likes to clap
as the bus pulls into the depot.

Maybe we need some
space from each other.

One of us could move
out of the building.

Yeah, one of us could. Maybe you?

Sure. Yeah.

Why me, though?

Well, you rent. I own.

And with the market the way it is...

Oh, don't you talk to me
about the market, okay?

- I know all about the market.
- I know

- all about the market!
- Forget about the market.

McKenna Donatacci is leaving.

My problematic angel.

Look, as long as you two are enmeshed,

Spencer will never have

a meaningful relationship with a woman.

Trust me. I wrote the rules.

Which you can hear about on
Trust Me, I Wrote the Rules,

available wherever
you get your podcasts.

Now, hold on a second.

McKenna, you may be a gorgeous,
wealthy, best-selling author

and TV personality
with a beautiful smile

and illustrious hair...

But?

Yeah, and a great butt.

But you're wrong.

Maybe I haven't had

a meaningful romantic relationship,

but I raised the best
woman I know, my sister.

Aw, Spence. I feel seen.

And if Carly really is
a "helicopter sister,"

well, then, I'm the pilot inside of her.

Babe, no.

But what about all the things
you said on Brother's Day

about me getting in the
way of you settling down?

Carly, I chose to spend
those years raising you.

I don't regret one day of it.

Besides, I was five
"man-mosas" deep at brunch.

I could've said anything.

Like my real age, which, again, is .

- Yeah. .
- Mm.

Oh. Sorry, uh, two siblings hugging

a little weird for you?

Why is McKenna Donatacci crying?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, it's just so beautiful.

I wish I had a relationship like yours,

but none of my
brothers will talk to me

because I call all my nieces ugly.

What? I tell it like it is!

Well, I'm sure you can patch things up.

Open communication?

That's a green flag, chica.

True, although I don't love the optics

of you saying "chica."

But thank you.

So...

Spencer...

all dolled up with nowhere to go?

Tell me, have you ever
made love in a gondola?

No.

Yet another thing I missed
out on because of Carly.

Popcorn, anybody?

Oh, we're good, thanks.

Mm.

What are you guys watching?

It's Code Red Flags. McKenna
is roasting all of us.

Is it weird that I'm kind of excited

to hear what she says about me?

Carly Shay? She is not well.

Sincerely. Get help, girl.

I didn't even get a rhyme?

Well, at least you
didn't get red flagged.

Yeah.

And now, for this week's
eligible bachelorette.

Please welcome... Harper.

Hi. I'm Harper.

I'm a stylist from Seattle.

I'm mind your business years old.

And if your shirt has a team logo,

then, baby, it's a no-go.

And how tall are you?

Six foot one.

What? She said, "Be tall."

Ooh!

He hates these cans.