08x04 - Taylor Got Game

[bunniefuu]

It's the closing minutes
of the World Cup.

Brad Taylor steals the
ball and dribbles to the right,

cuts back to the left,
sh**t! It's a goal!

Goal, goal, goal!

(WHOOPS) Goal!

Oh, yeah!

So you're studying
hard today, huh?

Yeah. I'm practicing
for the SAT test.

Is this the part where
they ask you to make rain?

No, I was just
taking the math test.

Gosh, it was so hard I'm
scared to find out my score.

Well, let's add it up.
How do we do this?

Well, I already did the
adding and the subtracting.

You have to take this number
here and divide it by four.

Well, don't worry.

Math is just simple logic.

Let's see, two, two...

Well, Dad, when you divide,
shouldn't the number get smaller?

I've been dividing since I
was a kid. That is your score.

Forty-two hundred, baby!

Dad, the highest
possible score is .

You know what? I bet you
added a zero to the .

Don't be silly. You add a
zero to , you still get .

Yeah, you're right. Hi, guys.

Hi.

So what do you think?

New hair?

No!

New pants?

No! New couch! New couch!

BOTH: What new couch?

I cannot believe that
you didn't notice it.

It's been here since
early this morning.

I spent six weeks picking
this thing out. I love it. Love it.

I'm gonna lie down here
and never get up. Ever. Never.

Well, Mom, I got a
on my math test.

What? Oh, my God!

You're never gonna get into
UCLA with scores like that,

no matter how well
you play soccer.

I know, but I hate math. I'd rather
hit myself in the head with a hammer.

Don't be too
sure. It really hurts.

Does everybody
know what time it is?

ALL: Tool Time!

That's right! Tim,
Tim, he's our man!

If he can't fix it, Big Al can!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Heidi. Thank you,
Heidi. Thank you.

(HEIDI IMITATING TRAIN)

Thank you, Heidi. Thank you,
everyone. Welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The
School Man" Taylor.

And, of course, you all know
my assistant Al "Husky" Borland.

AL: Thank you.

Welcome to our
Tool Time salute...

BOTH: Food fight!

To college. To college.

In today's competitive college
environment, a young man needs an edge.

That's why we've taken that dorm
room and given it the old Tool Time twist.

Ladies and
gentlemen, say hello to

the man's dorm room!
The man's dorm room!

Now, at first blush, this may look
like an ordinary college dorm room,

but let's scratch that surface
a little bit and go deep.

The operative word in this
dorm room is "efficiency."

Most college students
don't have time to do laundry,

so it piles up, cluttering
the workspace.

Hey, roomie, what are we
gonna do with all this laundry?

Not to worry.

We've modified this
little trash compactor.

Aha!

Perfect.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

(BELL RINGS)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Hard to believe there's weeks
of my dirty underwear in there, huh?

Suppose your kid has a
Chemistry final tomorrow.

He's got to do well,

but the professor's got this silly bias
against students that, I don't know,

blow up the chemistry lab.

Allegedly.

To help students
stay up late studying,

our dorm room
has that added thing

to give them
that jolt of energy!

An oxygen bar.

Yes, it comes with domestic...

Mmm, Seattle.

And imported.

(COUGHS)

Mexico City.

Well, moving on.

Well, after a late night,

most students have a
hard time getting up on time.

So we've created a fail-safe wake-up
system with three stages of alarm.

Well, for the light sleeper...

(ALARM RINGING)

I'm up.

For the moderate sleeper...

(HORN BLARING)

What was that?

Just five more.

For the stubborn sleeper...

(SCREAMING) Get up!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

I've added one
more little thing.

What?

Let's say you're having the
captain of the cheerleaders over

for a little
late-night studying,

and you don't want
Flannel Boy listening in.

AL: What?

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Aren't you supposed
to be studying?

Yeah, Mom wants me to be
studying, but I'm all out of brain space.

All right. Well,
take a little break.

Let's play a little out here.

No, that's cool, Dad.

Come on. Just do it.

(IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER)
Do it now. Come on. Work it. Work it.

Work it. Don't turn your
back on me, girlie man. sh**t.

Go easy on your dad, Brad.

(BRAD CHUCKLES)

Hey, do I smell pork
by-products over there?

Yes, indeedy. These are
bangers fresh from England.

Hey, Tim and Brad Taylor,

I'd like you to meet a
former student of mine

from Oxford, Simon
Downing-Chubb.

Hello, Taylors. How's it going?

Simon Downing-Chubb.

So what do you do?

I own a software company.

Actually, he owns one of the largest
software companies in England.

He's also a very
active philanthropist.

Well, I'm involved in a foundation that
fights poverty and promotes world peace.

Enough chit-chat.
What do you drive?

I've got a Bentley, two Jaguars
and I'm restoring an Austin-Healy.

Wow, I've got an
Austin-Healy myself!

I thought that was
Jill's Austin-Healy.

Technically, in the sense

that she owns it and
I'm not allowed to drive it.

Plus, neither one of
them can keep it running.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Well, it is British.

Well, you colonists
dumped our tea,

so we get back at
you with our cars.

JILL: Brad! Study break's over!

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Downing-Chubb.

So Brad's a soccer player?

One of the best
high-school players in Detroit.

Thanks, Wilson. I'm
soccer-mad myself.

I even bought my own team.

The Birmingham Chubbs.
Are you a soccer fan, Taylor?

Yeah, you know, it's
okay. I love the rioting.

Well, you know, if Brad has a
game in the next couple of days,

why don't you take Simon?

He plays tomorrow afternoon. Love
to take you if you want to go see it.

And after that, maybe you want
to take a look at the Healy with me

and tell me why the wipers go
on every time I honk the horn.

Sounds like a
problem with the radio.

Do all Americans
drive like that?

Yeah. We drive on the right
side of the road here, Simon.

No, I meant miles
an hour on the shoulder.

No, you see, my dad
calls that the passing lane.

All right, listen, guys, I gotta
kick around a few math problems.

Great game, Brad.
You were top-drawer.

That means "good job" if
you live in the mother country.

Want to go out to the garage
and check out the Austin-Healy?

Lead on.

Voila.

Oh, it's a lovely car, Taylor.

Thanks.

Just finishing having
it rebuilt, bottom up.

But there's something
really funky in the wiring.

All right, let's have a quick
peek under your bonnet.

Simon, we just met.

In England, they call
the hood the bonnet.

I know that.

It's just you Brits have a way of
sucking all the manliness out of a car.

I think it was the Americans
who came up with the car bra.

When you got a
nice set of headlights,

you want to support them
with something, don't you?

You know, I have to tell you,
Brad really is quite a soccer player.

He's talented enough to
play professionally in England.

You think he's that good?

Yeah.

I can't say the
same for your wiring.

What do you want to do?

I'll need a wire stripper and
a cold beverage posthaste.

Here's your wire stripper. I'll get
you your cold beverage post-toasty.

Hey, hitting those books, huh?

Yeah. I already hit them.
Now I gotta open them.

Guess what? Guess
what the Chubbster said.

He says you're good enough to
play soccer professionally in England.

No way! Yeah.

Wow! That's so cool.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Awfully talented,
frightfully good, absolutely marvelous.

Shaken, not stirred. James Bond.

Bond, James Bond. Dad. Dad.

No, Goldfinger. Dad! Dad!

No, Goldfinger. Dad!

p*ssy. p*ssy Galore.

I'm trying to study here.

Right! Right!

Study! The boy must study! I'll
tell Moneypenny immediately.

Honey, you're in for a treat.

Your first banger's
almost off the grill.

I can't wait. What's
in a banger anyway?

A veritable zoo-full of
English animal innards,

with just the right
amount of spices.

Yeah, I think I'll pass.

I've had enough
monkey in my diet lately.

Hi, Mom.

Hey. How are you doing?

Wait, what are you doing? Aren't
you supposed to be studying?

No, I don't have
to study anymore.

Right.

And what about the SAT tests?

No, I don't have to take them.
I'm not gonna go to college.

What? Yeah.

I'm gonna play professional
soccer in England.

You're looking at the
newest Birmingham Chubb.

What are you talking about?

What the hell is a
Birmingham Chubb?

Simon's team.

Who the hell is Simon?

The owner of the Chubbs.

We're not getting anywhere.

Simon's one of Wilson's friends.

Dad invited him to the game the
other day and he came and told me

I was good enough
to play professional,

and I said, "Yeah.
I'm up for it."

You're up for it?

What makes you think
that your father and I

would even consider
allowing you to do this?

Well, Dad was the one
that told me about it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Your father
knows about this? He's in favor of this?

Well, yeah. He seemed excited
when Simon told him how good I was.

They talked about the whole thing
while they were working on the car.

So while changing
a windshield wiper,

your father single-handedly
decided to change your entire future?

All right, who's ready
to suck down a banger?

You can get a salad,
too, if you want.

Tim, when I went
to work this morning,

I had a son who was
headed for college.

Now I've got a Chubb.

Dad, I talked to Simon. I'm gonna
be playing professional soccer.

What?

Don't act so surprised. You're
the one that told him to do it.

I have no idea what you
guys are talking about.

You invited Simon to
go watch him play, right?

You told Brad that he was
good enough to play pro.

Have you lost weight?

How could you tell Brad that it's
okay for him to play soccer in Europe?

I didn't say that. I just passed
on Simon's compliment, that's all.

But you know how much trouble
he's having with his schoolwork.

I mean, telling
him that was like

dangling a big, fat carrot
in front of a starving horse!

Well, I didn't know the starving
horse would eat the big, fat carrot!

Well, you should have!

Excuse me, guys. The
horse would like to speak.

Look, guys, this is a big opportunity
for me and I don't want to pass it up.

Brad, you said that you wanted to play
soccer in college. What about UCLA?

No, you guys wanted
me to go to UCLA.

This is a chance for me
to get on the soccer field

without k*lling myself studying.

Well, what if going pro
doesn't work out, Brad?

Yeah.

Dad, you know it's gonna
work out, you've seen me play.

Brad, you're gonna ruin your
chances to get a scholarship.

Mom, if I go pro, I
don't need a scholarship.

(SIGHS)

I don't believe this. You
actually expect us to just say,

"Oh, yeah. Great. Okay,
pack up, go to England"?

Well, you guys let
Randy go to Costa Rica.

No. No, no, no. That's
not the same thing.

He's down there for school. He's
still in an educational program.

Well, Simon says it's gonna
be a great experience for me

playing soccer and
living on my own.

What do you plan to
do for money? Yeah.

Simon says he'll pay
me £ , a year.

Simon says that's
plenty to live on.

That's simple for Simon to say.

If Simon says jump off the London
Bridge, are you gonna do that?

Simon wouldn't say that.

I say you are going to college.

And I say you're
going to college, too.

Okay, Dad, so you're
saying if you could've

gone straight from
high school to Tool Time,

are you saying you would
have gone to college?

Well, of course he would have
gone to college. Tell him, Tim.

You... They...

The... No, there's...

If that... Those...
They never...

No one called.

Tim!

There's... No, no, no.
That's all I wanted to hear.

No, no. I just stuttered
then. I didn't say anything.

What was that about?

Well, that question
caught me off guard.

Well, you're on guard now.
Go tell him to go to college.

Jill, look, if I had the
chance to skip English Lit

and go straight to Tool Time,
I probably would have done it.

That's fine for you, but that's not
the message I want our son to hear.

He asked me a question, I gave him an
honest answer. What was I supposed to do?

You do what most good
parents would do, lie.

Good arm, Wilson.

Well, thank you, neighbor. Simon
inspired me to dust off my cricket gear.

(SIGHS)

Unfortunately, I'm having
trouble controlling my googly.

Maybe you should
switch to briefs.

No, Tim. See, the googly is the
cricket equivalent of a curve ball.

Well, Simon certainly threw a
curve ball over here the other day.

Did you know that
he offered Brad

a contract to play for his
soccer team in England?

Well, Simon said that
Brad was a great player,

but Simon never said
anything about signing him up.

I am sick of what Simon says!

So I take it you and Jill don't
want Brad playing in England?

Jill doesn't. I'm not sure.

Brad doesn't care,
he just wants to go.

Oh, well, I understand their
positions, but why are you on the fence?

Well, you know,

Brad asked me if I could
have skipped college

and gone right to Tool
Time, would I have done that?

And I couldn't say that I
wouldn't have done that.

Ah.

And you're afraid if you told Brad to
do something that you wouldn't do,

you would be a hypocrite.

Exactly.

Tim, to be offered your
dream job at such an early age,

that would be so flattering.

I think anybody
would be tempted.

So do I.

You know, for example,
when I was young,

I had to choose
between going to Oxford

or becoming a professional mime.

That certainly would have
impacted our relationship, wouldn't it?

You know, Tim, if you had been offered
Tool Time when you were years of age,

do you think you would have missed
anything by not going to college?

Of course I would've
missed college.

That's where I met
a lot of my friends,

and, you know, there's all
sorts of great stuff in college.

You know, panty raids, keggers.

(LAUGHING)

And Chemistry class. They
let me work with real stuff.

That's when you blew up the lab.

Allegedly.

College was more about expanding
my horizons. I learned a lot of stuff.

So there you go.

You know, it seems to me
you can have this talk about

college with Brad
without being a hypocrite.

What made you decide
not to be a mime?

I talked myself out of it.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

Brad! Brad! Brad! Brad!

What?

Turn that thing off!
I want to talk to you!

Well, if you're gonna
yell at me about England,

you can forget about it, all right?
I'm making my own decisions.

(YELLING) I'm not
here to yell at you.

I want to have a calm discussion

about pro soccer
versus going to college.

Dad, I just feel that the experience
I'd get playing professional soccer

would make up for anything
I'd be missing in college.

So you do admit you might miss
something if you don't go to college?

Nothing important.

Dad, and you
even implied earlier

that if you could have skipped
college, you would have.

When I thought about
it, I was wrong about that.

Dad, this is such a
big opportunity for me.

I mean, I'll be living on
my own, making money,

and doing the one
thing I'm good at.

What do you mean the
one thing you're good at?

You're good at a lot more
things than just soccer.

Dad, I'm a lot better on the soccer
field than I am in the classroom.

You worked real hard this year and
you got your grades up, didn't you?

Yeah, in high school. If I go to a school
like UCLA, Dad, they'll humiliate me.

Where did you get
an idea like that?

Grant Scott's brother
sent me a book from UCLA.

I couldn't even
understand the cover.

Well, you just gotta...

Jeez!

It's like a foreign language.

That's my Spanish book.

Dad, I'm talking,
like, a calculus book.

Well, you know, you're not
supposed to understand this.

That's why you go to college,
so you will understand it.

Dad, I'm not gonna cut it at
UCLA or any other college!

Okay? It's gonna be way
too hard! I'm gonna flunk out!

Wait a minute. Is that
what this is all about?

You're gonna run off to
England because you're scared?

No, I'm not scared.

You just said you were
worried about flunking out.

You're gonna go across the
sea, go over someplace else.

You know, I don't want
you becoming a mime!

What?

I don't want you to miss the
opportunity for an education

because you're
afraid of messing up.

Well, don't you ever
worry about messing up?

Have you ever seen Tool Time?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Look. Look, son, you get
stronger in life by facing your fears.

You were real worried
about going to high school

and you worked hard and
you got your grades up.

College is just
a step like that.

And you can do this,
Brad. You can do this.

All right, I'll think about it.

And think about this,

half of the starters on the World
Cup soccer team came from UCLA.

Dad, they finished last.

That's why they need you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You get into UCLA, I will build you
a dorm room of your dreams, man.

Just like on Tool Time. What
feature would you really like?

Heidi?

It's not a beauty pageant.
This is a fitness competition.

Hi, guys.

We were just watching
the Discovery Channel.

Yeah, right. Brad, Brad,
your SAT scores came.

I think I'll open
them a little later.

No. No.

No, we can't stand the suspense.

Here, Dad. You can
open them. I'll open them.

Hold on. Don't open
it yet. Don't open it yet.

All right, go ahead.
Okay, I'll go ahead.

Wait, wait. Not,
not yet. Not yet.

Brad, honey, relax.

Okay, go ahead.

(WHISTLES)

Eight-hundred-and-twenty-six
million, fifty-thousand and thirty-three.

Dad, that's my Social
Security number.

Hey, Brad, look. You got a
in math, in English.

Congratulations.
Congratulations.

Cool. I'm gonna go call Samantha
and tell her the good news.

Okay. All right.

Cool. Cool.

Do you realize how close we came to
having another son in a foreign country?

What's with these kids anyway?

Other people want
to come to America,

these kids just want to get out.

Do you think it's my cooking?

You combine that
with this couch, and...

Does everybody
know what time it is?

ALL: Tool Time!

(LAUGHING)

MAN: That's right!

(CROWD BOOING)

Simon says he's gonna
pay me £ , a year

and Simon says
that's plenty to live on.

Is there a cigar in this thing?

I know! I know!