08x11 - Home for the Holidays

[bunniefuu]

Merry Christmas and welcome to
Tool Time. We're live on Al's rooftop.

Now, here's the star of the
show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Thank you, Heidi. I am Tim...
Well, "The Yule Man" Taylor.

And, of course, you
all know my assistant,

Al "Be Home for Christmas Just
Like Every Other Night" Borland.

Well, today, we're
gonna show you

the proper way of putting up
Christmas lights on your roof.

Heidi here's
installing a GFI outlet.

A GFI is a ground
fault interrupter.

It prevents people
from being shocked,

something I know
an awful lot about.

Now, I've already
done the wiring.

I brought the conduit
in from the attic.

Make sure that the lighting
strands and the extension cords

are heavy-duty UL-approved
and marked for outdoor use.

That prevents electrical fires,

something else I
know an awful lot about.

That's right. And Al and I have
taken the ultimate safety precaution.

We're not allowing Tim
to do any of the work.

Anyway, I'm especially excited
about decorating this year.

This is my first Christmas
in my new house.

Actually, it isn't your house. He rents
it from me, so it would be my house.

Well, technically, I...

Technically, the
windows are mine,

the roof is mine,
the house is mine.

Getting into the
holiday spirit early, I see.

Ah, yes. Windows,
bathtub, sinks, faucets.

Mine, mine, mine,
mine. Aren't they, Al?

Mine, mine, mine...

Well, this actually is
my first Christmas...

Mine, mine, mine!

In Tim's neighborhood,

which makes me eligible
for the annual lighting contest.

Ooh. I'm shaking in my Sorels!

But in the spirit of
healthy competition,

I've decided to give Al some of
my cool decorations from last year.

Well, thank you,
Tim. It's nothing.

I'll say.

We got some tangled lights

and, uh, a melted elf.

Well, actually, he prefers
melted little person.

Speaking of melted
things, we'll be right back

after these words
from Saginaw Cheese.

Cheese, it's good!

DIRECTOR: We're clear!

All right, everybody.
Look, I need two...

Thank you, Milton. All right.

Wendy, would you get some
powder up here on Al's nose?

He looks like a glazed donut.

Well, Tim, I'm not gonna need
your throwaway decorations.

I'm gonna win with my own.

Al, I've seen your Christmas
bonus. I don't think so.

I may not have as much
money as you do for decorations,

but I have a partner.

A partner?

Hello.

Hey, Trudy!

Your girlfriend's your partner?

Yes, she is.

Hi. Hi.

The rest of the decorations have
arrived and they're really cute.

In this competition,
cute doesn't cut it, sister.

I think we'll be fine.

Wow. What is that?

Hey, Mrs. Borland. That
red's so slimming on you.

Okay, we got the graham
crackers for the window shutters,

and the licorice
for the gutters.

I just need those Red
Hots for the doorknobs.

Where are they? They
used to be right here.

Here. Hide the box.

What are you doing?

Taking candy from
his younger cousins.

He should be ashamed of himself.

Nice try, Cinnamon Breath.

You should be ashamed of
yourself for selling out your brother.

And yet, oddly, I feel great.

(LAUGHING)

Go to the store and
get me some more.

Okay, now, where were we?

Oh, no.

Claire put her
shutters on backwards.

I wanted to do
it like Uncle Tim.

Good girl.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Hey.

Look at our gingerbread house.

Ta-da!

Who supervised the construction?

I did.

Who gave you your permits?

Mrs. Claus. Uh-huh.

Well, licorice gutters...

That's not for the gutters, it's
supposed to be for the plumbing.

I think maybe I better
get my hands on this.

No! We want it to
last till Christmas.

Why, you...

No, no, no! Away!

So how did it go at Al's?

Well, Tool Time was all right.

Al has resorted to cheating for
the Christmas lighting contest.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.

Al's not half the
cheater you are.

So you had your Christmas
with your mom this morning?

Yeah, we got lots
of presents. Great.

Aunt Jill, what do you
like most about Christmas?

Well, I like the whole
spirit of the holiday.

Peace on Earth,
goodwill towards men.

Borland's Santa's toast.

What is that?

What does it look like?

It's a wise man
with a harpoon g*n.

'Tis the season to be packing.

Hey. Where have you guys been?

Dad sent us over to Al's to
check out his roof decorations.

See, I am so proud to
spy for you for Christmas,

the holiest holiday of the year.

Cut the crap. What
did it look like?

It's awesome.

His nativity scene's more
convincing than the original.

All right, here's the plan.

Take Bobby Ram Dass, put
him on the roof and sight him in.

All right?

I'm gonna get some high-powered
binoculars and meet you out there.

Okay, which one of you girls wants
to put the Christmas tree angel up?

What's wrong?

Are you scared to get up on
the ladder? I'll hold you up there.

We always used to put the
angel up with Mommy and Daddy.

And now they're fighting.

I am so sorry.

Look, I know that this
must be awful for you guys.

But, you know, there's
one really good thing

about your new arrangement,

and that is you get to
have two Christmases.

You get to have two
whole sets of presents.

Oh, yeah.

Feliz Navidad, everybody.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

JILL: Randy!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What are you doing? Oh, my God!

I sent all your
presents to Costa Rica!

That's all right.

How did you get here?

Well, you know, Lauren
had some extra bonus miles,

and I thought, "I can't spend
Christmas without my mom and dad."

Yeah! Huh?

He gets to spend Christmas
with his mom and dad?

Claire!

I'll be right back.

Uh, this is their first
Christmas since the separation,

and they're not really
taking it that well.

But you're looking great.

You gotta get out here.
Baby Jesus is smoking.

Uh, I'll be right back.

Look, Randy's here. Hey,
Randy, what's going on?

Brad! I'll catch you later, man.

Oh. Hey, Randy, I
heard you were back.

TIM: Mark, grab
the fire extinguisher!

Bye.

Okay.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas
to you, too, Randy.

Have a cookie.
Don't mind if I do.

Oh, my God!

Randy, I thought I told
you that Mark and Brad

are pigs.

The family I'm
staying with has pigs,

and believe me,
they're a lot neater.

Well, I know the
conditions aren't ideal,

but at least you'll get to
bond with your brothers.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah, I'm just a little afraid
of what we'll be bonding with.

Oh, God!

Well, if it gets really bad, you
can crash on the couch upstairs.

Mom, Grandma's on the phone.

Guys, will you clean
up this pigsty now?

Yeah. We'll get right on it.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

Man, that was awesome
what you did to Dad on the roof.

Gosh, you nailed him
with that fire extinguisher.

Thanks.

Yeah. How'd you get Dad?

Oh, you're not gonna
believe this, Randy.

First, he snuck up
behind Dad, right?

And then, he...

And then, Dad...

Oh, man, that was funny.

Well, I guess you
had to be there.

So, uh, how's Puerto Rico?

Costa Rica.

Then, I guess you
didn't get my letters.

Oh, you know what we should do?

We should turn
the lights out tonight

at the same time, so Dad
thinks he's blown a circuit.

Oh, yeah. That would get him
back for making us spy on Al.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, where's
my good sports coat?

I need it for church tonight.

I think it's over there.

Uh, it's a little wrinkled.

A little wrinkled?

It looks like the oldest
lady in our village.

Wipe your feet off, everybody.

Oh, that was a
wonderful service.

What did everybody
think about the sermon?

I thought it was too short.

I could have used
another half hour.

You were gone during the
sermon. Where were you?

Uh, I was in the sacristy, having
a moment of private prayer.

Oh.

Did you pray for a
chili cheese dog?

My prayers were answered.

Hey, everybody,
gather around the tree.

It's Christmas Eve. We
get to open a present.

All right! Oh, here. Open mine.

I got everyone
something really special.

Do you mind if the
girls open theirs first?

I promised them they
could do that. No, that's fine.

All right. All right, girls.

And then off to bed.

Toolboxes?

Cool.

They're from the Little
Miss Binford collection.

Thanks, Uncle Tim.

Ah, Merry Christmas, you guys.

Okay, okay, off to bed.

I don't want to go to bed.

Can I bring my toolbox?

No, no, no. You
take them upstairs,

you'll start hitting
each other in the head.

Save that for Christmas morning.

Can Aunt Jill read
us a bedtime story?

Oh, I can do even
better than that.

I can tell you a story about
Christmas when I was a little girl.

No, thank you.

They get smarter every
year. Don't wait for me.

Be up in a minute!

(SIGHS) It's a pity those poor girls
can't have their whole family together.

Oh, Ma, please. Don't start.

Don't use that tone with Mother.

There was no tone.

Tone. There was no tone!

Tim, what do you think?

I think all these
wrenches are metric.

All I'm saying, Marty,
is that it's a shame

that you couldn't have worked
something out, at least for the holidays.

Right, Tim?

I wonder how big
my head is in metric?

Look, Nancy's the one
who's being impossible.

And there's nothing
I can do about that.

And so, to compensate
for your inadequacy,

you lash out at the
woman who gave you life.

You should be ashamed.

Shouldn't he, Tim? Huh?

That's one sizable melon.
Look at that baby, huh?

Look, guys, why don't we just
open up some more gifts, huh?

TIM: There's a good idea. Yeah.

Here, open mine.

Look at this.

It's to "Mom, Dad, Brad, Mark,

"Uncle Marty, Uncle
Jeff and Grandma."

Lot of people to be fitting
in a little box like that.

Dehydrated sea monkeys?

Okay.

Cards. And on the card,

"A tree in Cabo Blanco rainforest
is being protected in your name."

So later on, we can go
down and cut it down, huh?

Great gift.

You know, Uncle Marty, I
only put your name on the card

instead of yours and Nancy's.

I hope that's all right.

Nancy might get the house,
but you hang on to that tree.

Oh!

Those poor, poor girls.

Mom, stop.

It's my fault. I shouldn't
have brought it up.

It's nobody's fault. Come on.
Let's open some more gifts.

What about that?
Yeah. Open ours.

All right, cool.

Yo, Randy. Mark and I went in just
the two of us 'cause you weren't here.

You guys went all out on the
wrapping paper again, didn't you?

A chasing light
set. This is great.

Yeah, for the
manger on the roof.

However, there's
no lights in the box.

That's because
they're already up there.

No way!

You turn those babies on,
it's gonna be a Disco Inferno.

Silent night fever! I like it.

I'm gonna go check
it out. Come on!

You guys want to come
out and check out the lights?

TIM: Come on. Come on,
everybody. Come on, Mom.

Very nice.

If I'm gentle with this harpoon,

I think I can save the buttocks.

What kind of sick individual
would do this to Santa's little helper?

Just a scosh to
the right, Balthazar.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Merry Christmas, honey.

You want some coffee? Yeah.

Gosh, I'm so glad
you came up early.

We've hardly had
a chance to talk.

Yeah, I know.

Things have been a
little crazy around here.

So what's going on with you?

Well, you know, a lot of things.

I'm working on
this new program...

It's Christmas!
Let's open presents!

Only yours. Nobody else's.

Good morning. Merry
Christmas, etcetera...

JILL: Good morning.
Merry Christmas.

So, anyway, this program is
where we take these trees and we...

Okay. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.

MARTY: Hey! JILL:
Merry Christmas!

Hey, the girls want
to open presents.

Oh, those blue
packages are from me.

Yeah. And me.

What'd you get them?

Uh, I'll let you
know in a minute.

I hope you didn't let your
mom buy Carrie's present.

No. I buy the presents
for my girlfriend.

Besides, I wouldn't want Mom
walking into that kind of store.

Come on, Aunt Jill.

Oh, they don't want to
open presents without you.

It's all right. We'll
talk later. All right.

You'd think a Santa that
big would be easier to hit.

Al's gonna blow you out
of this competition, isn't he?

Perhaps, if he wants to
get all competitive about it.

But for me, Christmas is more
of a religious holiday, Marty.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(LAUGHING)

No, no, no. I'm roasting
chestnuts on an open fire.

And might I wish you a
Merry Christmas, Randy?

Well, Wilson, you can wish all
you want, it won't make it come true.

Noel not going so well?

No.

I had this great picture of what it
would be like coming home for Christmas,

Mmm-hmm.

So far it hasn't
been like that at all.

Well, things are
bound to be different

with Marty and the
twins living in the house.

It's not that.

It's just ever since I got home, I
just feel like I don't fit anymore.

In what way?

You know, everyone's so
busy doing their own thing.

I mean, no one cares about
what's going on with me.

Every time I say something,
they look at me like I'm from Mars.

Ah, been there.

I guess it's like Thomas Wolfe
wrote, You Can't Go Home Again.

Well, that's very good, Randy,

but Frank Baum wrote,
"There's no place like home."

What do you think?

Well, I think you
can go home again

as long as you realize you may not
be coming home to the same home.

Yeah, I mean, that
makes sense. Uh-huh.

I mean, why did I think
time would just stand still?

You know, I've often
wondered the same thing.

I've got a machine
down in my basement

that can slow it down,
but I just can't make it stop!

Wilson, why did I even
want things to stay the same?

Well, Randy, as you
venture out on your own,

it's only natural for
you to want home to be

the same secure place
that you left behind.

Wilson, I just want someone
to notice that I'm here.

You know, I could go all
the way back to Costa Rica

without ever getting a chance
to talk to my mom and dad.

Well, you can't let that happen,
now. You have to find an opening.

Let your voice be
heard. Sing, "Hallelujah!"

Go Tell It on the Mountain!

Blow your Trumpet, Gabriel!

Remember the Alamo!

Wilson? I get the point. Huh?

Thanks. Right.

And, Randy, thank you for
buying me that tree in Costa Rica.

Oh, you like it? Oh, I love it.

I can hardly wait to go
down there and climb it.

Well, you might want
to wait awhile. Hmm?

It's only three inches tall.

(CRASHING) TIM: Heads up.

I got it, Dad!

What were you
talking to Wilson about?

His nuts.

Well, it looks like one
of your guys went AWOL.

Second time today.

You working for Borland?
Answer me, soldier!

So anything I can help with?

Yeah, yeah.

Fuse went out on one of
Santa's little bodyguards.

You gotta go in
through his armpit there.

There you go.

So tell me a little
bit about Costa Rica.

Well, it's cool.

Come on, "It's cool." Give
me more information than that.

Do you still like
living with that family?

Yeah.

You know, it's a little weird
living with a strange family,

but, you know, it helps that I
come from a strange family.

Hi, guys.

Hey, honey. Watch
your step there.

Okay. I brought up some
hot chocolate for you.

Remember that time
that we went camping

and I made it with melted
candy bars and toothpaste?

I didn't make it that way.

So what are you guys doing?

We're talking about Costa Rica.

Yeah? So?

You still love it there, honey?

Yeah. It's great.

It's just kind of
funny, you know.

Every time Lauren
and I get together,

all we seem to
talk about is home.

You probably miss Tool Time.

You know, I miss my friends.

I miss writing for
the school paper.

I miss Arnold Schwarzenegger
movies in English.

(GRUNTS)

How do they say "Hasta
la vista, baby" in Spanish?

(CHUCKLING)

You know what I also miss? That
Chinese-food place we used to go to.

What was that? Fu Wong's?

Yeah. Fu Wong's.

Fu Wong's closed. That's right.

What's it now? It's
Tanaka's Sushi and Live Bait.

Good.

Gosh, you know, home is
definitely not the same home.

Come on. Things haven't
changed that much.

Dad, come on.

Things have definitely changed.

I mean, Tanaka?

You know, we've got three
new people living in the house.

Mark's, like,
five inches taller.

Brad and him are
actually getting along.

I just feel like a
guest at a hotel.

With armed bellhops.

You feel like an outsider
at this house now?

Well, we haven't been
much help, you know.

We've hardly spent
any time with him.

It's not your fault.

You guys are just
getting on with your lives,

and I'm having
trouble keeping in step.

Well, Randy, regardless
of who's living in your room,

or what's growing in there,

this is always
gonna be your home.

Thanks, Mom.

I guess since your
dad and I are living here

in the middle of all these changes,
we haven't even noticed half of them.

(SCREAMING)

TIM: It's okay.

The ground seems
to have broken my fall.

Then again, some
things never change.

Wow, what an
awesome lighting display.

Yeah. Those figures
look so lifelike.

At least now we know why Al won.

Yeah, it's amazing what a little
blood, sweat and grand will do.

Maybe next year, honey.

Oh, they're gone.

Now can we get down from here?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, no. My feet are frozen
to the roof. Help me, Al.

I can't. I'm stuck
in the chimney.

What are we gonna do?

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Over here!

You know what I also miss?

That Chinese restaurant
we used to go to.

Fong Wu's? Yeah.

Fong Wu's closed.

Now it's Achmed's...

They closed.

Now it's Achmed's Falafel
and Discount Cigarettes.

I'm trying so hard.