08x15 - Knee Deep

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to a very
magical Tool Time.

That was just a
cheesy video effect.

On today's show, we're
gonna have some real magic.

That's right. Heidi is
going to introduce us

to two of the world's
biggest prestidigitators.

Not on this show you're not.

No, no.

A prestidigitator is a magician.

Oh.

Phew.

Well, in that case,
you're wondering

why would you have a
magician on this show?

That's because I
think magic is cool.

In order to spice Tool Time up,

we're gonna turn Tool
Time into Cool Time.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Penn & Teller!

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

Oh, wow! This is great.

Great to have you on the show.

Oh, it's great to be
here. I'm such a...

I'm such a big fan of Tool Time.

Teller, how about you?

He doesn't talk.

An assistant who doesn't talk.

I'd like to switch. I've
got bucks right here...

Where's my wallet?

AL: Oh, that's great!

He's very good. He's...

That's the really tough one.

They are very good, huh?

So, what other tricks are
you gonna show us today?

We're gonna show you
the Houdini box escape!

Houdini box escape!

We have a perfectly ordinary
box here. Solid plywood.

Need someone to examine it,

make sure there are no trapdoors
or secret panels or anything.

Anybody?

Tim, why don't you
examine it here?

You're the expert on structural
integrity. Check it out here.

Check it out. Check
it out on the inside.

Be sure to check
the bottom there.

Make sure there
are no trapdoors.

No trapdoor.

You want to make sure there's
no catch there or anything.

All right.

Just check it out
there. There we go!

TIM: Hey!

There we go.

Watch your fingers.
Watch your fingers.

There we go.

How are you doing in there, Tim?

TIM: I'm in a box!

All right!

Okay. So, what happens now?

Well, if he were Houdini, he'd
be escaping in about seconds.

But since it's Tim,
it's gonna be awhile.

Get comfortable.

TIM: What?

Excellent trick!

TIM: Shut up, Al.

So, what do you want to
do? It's Al's Tool Time now.

All right. Well, can
we saw this in half?

How about we saw Teller in
half? He's coming right over here.

TIM: Hey, let me out
of here! It's my show!

PENN: Yeah. Was
your show. Hurry up.

Look at this. So, you
can saw him in half.

What would you like
to use? What tool?

Well, why don't we use the
Binford power handsaw?

TIM: That's too much saw for Al!

Save your oxygen.

This works most of the
time. Go ahead, give it a sh*t.

You'll be okay.

There you go. Beautiful.

Oh, nicely done. Nicely
done. Beautifully done.

Beautiful. Now, let's just prove
you went all the way through.

There it is!

I did it! All right!

Now, are you okay?

He's fine. He's fine. Yeah!

You want to see how it's done?

TIM: I'd like to
see how it's done.

Okay. Just... Well,
we're not murderers.

So, we just have Teller squished
up in the top half of the box.

AL: Tim, you got to see this!

That was so great.

Then you just find
some flunky backstage

and use him to play
the part of the feet.

There he is! Escapo!

Very nicely done, Tim.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Penn & Teller!

Hey, Jill. Hi.

What you working on?

Oh, I have to write this
essay describing myself

for the PhD
application to U of M.

Well, tell them you're brilliant,
insightful and a great humanitarian.

I am?

No. But they don't
know that, right?

Brad, I can't screw this up.

Some of us aren't soccer stars who
can count on getting a scholarship.

In fact, some of us are stuck working at
the zoo, hosing out the penguin house.

Well, that explains those
feathers in the lint trap.

Oh, your friend
Jim called, Brad.

Oh, yeah.

He must be calling about that
party he's having Saturday night.

The ladies are gonna
be rolling through there.

Saturday night's
all right for Brad.

Actually, Saturday night's
kind of big for me, too.

Chilly Millie's eggs
are gonna hatch.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Hey, guys. JILL: Hi.

Say, did you guys
catch Tool Time today?

Yeah. I actually did.

You watched Tool Time?

Yeah. I was trying to
avoid writing my essay.

I was desperate.

But, yeah, I really liked Penn
& Teller. They were great.

Yeah. You know, but some of the
die-hard tool fans got to me after the show

and said they're missing the
regular, basic Tool Times, you know?

Wonder if I'm
alienating my fan base?

Don't worry. He'll forgive you.

Hey, guys. Hey, Mark.

What's the buzz about
Tool Time around school?

No one's ever heard of it.

Hey, what's this big wet spot?

Oh, it looks like the hallway
toilet overflowed. I'll shut it off.

JILL: Oh, no! Like
we need this right now.

Would you go downstairs in
the basement and get some rags?

Sure. I can't believe it!

We're gonna have to pull
up the rug and dry it out!

Fix the toilet!

You know, honey, as usual,

you look at a broken toilet as
half-empty, I look at it as half-full.

This is a perfect project to get
Tool Time back on track, huh?

Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

No Tool Times in the
house. It's disruptive.

You always end up
breaking something else.

This broken toilet's too good
an opportunity to pass up.

It's like that guy
that saw a spring.

He said, "That's not a
spring. That's a Slinky."

Welcome back to
Tool Time on location.

Today, we're gonna do a
great old-fashioned Tool Time.

It's a hands-on
one. You'll enjoy it.

That's right. You get to
watch us in the bathroom.

That's not all. Later, we're
gonna replace carpet padding.

What a show!

Okay, this toilet
overflowed through the

top of the t*nk due
to a broken float valve.

Now, first you want to drain
the t*nk, loosen the nuts

and remove the old
ball-cock assembly.

Al's looking to do a similar
procedure with his own doctor.

Right now, Al's gonna show us how
to install a high-tech float mechanism.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

Oh, I'm sorry. Cut! Sorry, guys.

What's so important you
gotta interrupt the show?

I need my earring and my mousse.

Your earring's probably in
your mom's jewelry case.

If you're looking for a
moose, go to a VFW hall.

Okay, now we're gonna show you

how to deal with any water
damage that may have occurred.

In this case, it also damaged
some of the carpet pad.

And the drywall in the ceiling.

We're gonna show
you how to replace both.

That's right. What could be a
better hands-on Tool Time than that?

I started this show,
what? Nine years ago

with just a dream and my hammer.

And the best assistant that
minimum wage could buy.

HEIDI: Oh, my God! Brad!

AL: Are you all
right? Cut, cut, cut!

TIM: Are you all
right? BRAD: My knee.

Your knee? You hit your knee?
Okay, okay. Does this hurt?

Yes. What kind of hurt is it?

Pain! Okay. What kind of pain?

Pain!

It's an emergency! Emergency!

Don't panic...

Quick! Get a doc!
Doctor, emergency!

It's a good thing Binford has a
paramedic standing by, you know?

Right here. Right
this way. This way.

He fell down the stairs.

You might want to look at the
guy that's at the bottom of the stairs.

How's Brad doing?

Oh, his tests are almost done.

He'll be out of
Radiology in a minute.

I don't understand why I
couldn't go in there with him.

Because you've had so many
X-rays you glow in the dark.

I'm gonna check on Brad.

Tim, don't touch anything.

(BEEPS)

(TICKING)

(TICKING RAPIDLY)

(FLATLINE)

Okay, Brad.

Dr. Brown is gonna come by
and give you your X-ray results.

Okay, now, use
some of your weight.

Ready, one, two, three, go.

Okay, Brad, if your dad
tries to touch anything else,

just hit him with this.

Will do.

How you feeling?

I feel terrible. I
mean, this sucks.

I have a game to get
ready for on Sunday.

I'll bet you'll be okay
by game time, huh?

I came as fast as I could.
Oh, my God! My poor baby.

What did the doctor say?

They just got the X-rays, and
we're waiting for the results.

How did this
happen? It was a fluke.

You know, he wasn't
watching where he was going.

He just tripped down the stairs.

Wait, wait. This is
my fault? No fault.

No, no, no. It's because
of his stupid Tool Time.

Oh, "stupid" Tool Time?
Yes. Stupid Tool Time.

Dad, you left the carpet
in the middle of the stairs!

I didn't leave it there. It
wouldn't have been there

if you'd waited to
come down the stairs

after we'd finished the scene.

Hey, hey, hey, there's
no point assigning blame.

Yeah, well, he
started it. I did not.

Did, too. Did not.

Did, too.

Guys! Guys, knock it off!

The important thing is it's
gonna get taken care of, okay?

TIM: Yeah.

Hello, Brad.

Oh, hi. Hi. I'm Jill Taylor.

Dr. Brown. Hi. Hi.

Hey, Dr. Brown. I
know. Tim Taylor.

Thanks to you we have a
spanking new CAT scan machine!

So, Doctor, am I gonna be
ready for the game on Sunday?

Well, I'm afraid you won't
be playing soccer for a while.

What?

You probably have
a meniscal tear.

Looks like you're
gonna need surgery.

Surgery. It's that serious?

I can't believe this.

Well, you know,
as soon as it heals,

it'll be as good as new, right?

It will be as good
as new, right?

Well, it's hard to say.
Here. Let me show you.

The meniscus,
which is right here,

is a cartilage disk which acts like
a shock absorber for the knee joint.

I see.

It's like going over potholes
without your suspension.

Yes, Mr. Taylor,
it's just like that.

There's no way to assess the full
extent of the damage until we get inside.

Well, should we schedule
the surgery right away?

Well, first I want to send
you to an orthopedic surgeon.

He'll do an MRI to make
sure my diagnosis is correct.

And until then,
Brad, stay off that leg.

Okay. Well, thank
you, Dr. Brown.

Okay.

This is a total nightmare.

I mean, with a blown knee, I
might never play soccer again.

This could ruin my
entire scholarship.

Now, you don't know that.

No. And if that was
eventually the case,

we could still pay
for your college.

And you'd be able to park
closer to the school then.

Dad, I'm not even gonna get into
college without a soccer scholarship.

If it wasn't for your stupid Tool
Time, this would've never happened!

It wasn't my stupid Tool Time.

Yes, it is. There's no
point blaming your dad.

Come on, Brad!

Look, I'm sorry this happened.

But we're not even sure
how serious this is yet.

Yeah. You don't even know
if you're gonna have surgery.

Yeah, or my career
could be over.

Let's not talk like that.

No. Wait.

Sometimes it's helpful to play
out the worst-case scenario.

All right. So, let's play out
the worst-case scenario.

All right.

I've blown my knee, my
career's over, I never get a job,

I spend all my time sitting
on the couch, watching TV

and picking potato chips
out of my cheesy mustache.

Yeah, thanks! I feel great!

That works much better
in my Psychology groups.

Hey, Brad. Do you want us to
drop you by Jim's soccer party?

Yo, Brad?

Honey, do you
want a ride or not?

Yeah, I'm just dying to listen
to people talk about soccer

while I limp around like
some washed-up loser.

Well, do you want to go to the
Saginaw Cheese Awards banquet, huh?

Yeah, your dad's nominated
for Car Guy of the Year again.

He's gonna get the Lifetime
A-cheese-ment Award.

I'd rather sit here and relive
the highlights of my youth.

Okay. Well, you know, maybe
it's better if you get some rest

before the operation, Monday.

We'll see you later.

So, what do you want to do?

I want to sit here and think of
all the reasons why life sucks.

Hey, cool.

(WILSON CHANTING)

Hey, Wilson.

Hey, Wilson.

Oh. I'm sorry, Brad.
I was just meditating.

Aren't you cold out here?

Well, when I chant "Om
mani pa-toe-me foom"

I'm trying to
commune with nature.

But now that you mention it, I
am freezing my pa-toe-mes off.

Yeah. Living next to my dad, you're lucky
your pa-toe-mes are still in one piece.

Well, obviously you're still
upset with him about your injury.

Shouldn't you be
inside, resting that knee?

Yeah. But if it
wasn't for my dad,

I wouldn't have
to rest it at all.

You know, Brad, you remind
me of an Iban tribesman.

Yeah. I get that all the time.

You see, the Iban
live in Borneo.

And they believe that evil spirits
are the cause of all their misfortunes.

So, every night they dance and they
put on these strange wooden masks

to drive the evil spirits away.

So, what does that
have to do with me?

Well, like the Iban,
we'd all like to believe

that outside forces are the
cause of all of our problems.

It gives rationality
to our universe.

But the truth is, sometimes
accidents just happen.

So, you're saying that it's
not my dad's fault that I tripped.

And it was more
or less bad luck?

Yeah, I suppose so.

I think the thing to do
is just hope for the best

and be open to
exploring new paths.

You know, the British
author, J.M. Barrie said,

"A man's life is like a diary in
which he means to write one story,

"but ends up writing another."

Yeah, I know. But, Wilson, I mean,
soccer's always been part of my life.

You know, it's, like, who I am.

You go to my school, you can ask
anybody. I'm Brad the soccer dude.

But you can also be Brad
the nuclear-physicist dude.

Or Brad the
animal-husbandry dude.

Yeah. But I don't know
anything about physics.

And I really don't want to know what
it's like to be an animal's husband.

You know, Brad,
all I'm saying is,

there's a whole world out
there for you to explore.

So, there's gonna be a
lot of opportunities for me?

Yes, exactly. That's the spirit.

Let me ask you something.
Aside from soccer,

have you thought about what
you want to focus on in college?

Oh, yeah. I think
about it all the time.

Besides girls?

Then, no.

Well, that was
quite a night for you.

Yup.

Saginaw Cheese's
Car Guy of the Year

for an unprecedented
three years running.

And I just can't
seem to enjoy it.

Oh, come on, Tim. They
immortalized you in Gouda.

Yeah, but with Brad so mad
at me, this trophy of cheese

seems almost meaningless.

Hey, Mom. Hey.

Hey, Dad.

So, you decided to
go to the party after all?

Yeah. What smells so good?

My head.

Cool. How'd the
banquet go? It was great.

Three years running,
I'm the champ.

The Lifetime A-cheese-ment
Award, everything.

I met Mrs. Cheese, the Muenster
twins, everybody was there.

You sound like you're
in a better mood.

Yeah. I just realized
I was blaming you

because I was seeking
rationality in my universe.

That's some pretty
heavy thinking.

Well, you know
me. I'm very deep.

You been talking to Wilson?

Yeah, that, too.

Well, I'm glad you're not
mad at your dad anymore.

Yeah. I was just
mad at the situation.

I mean, it's really
nobody's fault.

That shows a lot of maturity, the
way you're working through this.

You know, I really should put
your father's head in the refrigerator.

I'm just sorry you got to
go through any of this, Brad.

Yeah. Me, too.

But I just have to use this injury as
an opportunity to think about my future.

Your future. You
got a lot of options!

I know. But then why do
I feel sick to my stomach?

Well, because
it's kind of scary,

thinking of your life going
in an opposite direction

than it was before
this, you know?

Yeah, I never thought I'd
have to think about this now.

I figured I'd be playing
soccer well into my s.

Yeah. The only soccer
player out there in a walker.

I'll get it. Hold
on, I'll get it.

It's too big.

You guys are just gonna have
to eat through the cranium tonight.

Good night, sweetie. Good night.

I'll be right up.

What were we talking about?

We were talking about
what I want to do with my life.

Well, you're years old.

I don't think we gotta figure
that out right now, do we?

Yeah. Well, that's
easy for you to say.

You knew what you were gonna do.

No, I didn't.

I figured I was gonna be a
Binford salesman the rest of my life.

I never figured I'd be the
head guy on a tool show.

Or would that be the big cheese?

Or the head cheese.

Look, I don't know what your
future's gonna bring and neither do you.

I just know that if you work
hard like you do at soccer,

you can be good
at anything, Brad.

Yeah, I hope so.

Listen, I'm sorry
I was such a jerk.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm hungry. You?

Yeah, I'm starving.

Hey, how about...
I don't know...

Macaroni and cheeks?

How about some
nose and crackers?

I like it.

I'll get a Kn*fe,
I'll cut the cheese.

Slowly, honey.

How'd the physical therapy go?

It went great.

They said I'm healing
really fast from surgery.

And they said I have a good
chance of playing soccer again.

All right! Where's your dad?

Oh, he's out in the backyard.

I think he's got a
little surprise for you.

No.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

Check it out.

No, it's Binford's new
experimental all-terrain chair.

Now you can heal
at miles an hour.

So you expect me to
ride this thing around town.

It's great. Two-cylinder,
horsepower.

This thing is wonderful.
All-wheel drive.

After this, we could go down to the
rest home and do some drag racing.

Old Man Brady's been
talking trash again.

Steering is pretty intense.

You just point it
where you want to go.

(CRASHING)

Hey, Brad, you
want us to take...

You want us to
take you over to...

Hey, Brad, you
want us to take...

Hey, Brad. You want us to...

Do you want us to drop you by...

It's gonna come
out like that, see?

Hey, Brad. Do you want us to
drop you by that Jim's soccer party?

Huh? You'd like to...

I'll get a Kn*fe,
I'll cut the cheese.

I just did.