08x18 - Love's Labor Lost" (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

Does everybody
know what time it is?

Tool Time! Tool Time!

That's right! Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

Thank you all very much.

Thank you.

I am Tim "The Cool Man" Taylor.

And, of course, you all know
my assistant, Al "Pine" Borland.

All right. Well, today we're going
to talk about ski maintenance.

Well, why did you bring your
mom's toothpicks out here?

For your information, these
skis were handed down to me

by my father, who used
them in the Olympics.

Get out of here. Your
dad was in the Olympics?

Actually, Tim, he
was a biathlete.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Wow.

I don't know why I bother
sharing anything personal with you.

That makes two of us.

These skis are made of hickory.

A testament to good
old-fashioned craftsmanship.

Well, and these skis are
made out of stainless steel.

A testament to how much
money you can blow at a ski shop.

No matter what
kind of skis you have,

it's a good thing to
keep them maintained.

Right. Which brings us
to our first guest today,

ski maintenance expert,
Dolph Schmetterling.

(ALL CHEERING)

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

How do you do? Welcome.

Hi, Tim. Good to have you.

Thank you very much.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Klaus!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Sorry about that. Schmetterling,
that's a German name, correct?

It means butterfly.

Well, you must've been
a pretty big larva as a kid.

Is that supposed to be funny?

Not if you don't think so.

I don't.

All right. So, Dolph,
why don't you tell us

something about ski maintenance?

Glad to, Al.

I brought with me this Wintersteiger
automated ski service station.

Look at the size
of this bad boy!

Bad boy is right.

This Micro model does
belt-sanding, base-edge tuning,

deburring and cold waxing.

It does everything
but cook your schnitzel.

If I were you, I'd keep my
schnitzel away from that thing.

All right. Well, why
don't we show them...

The audience how this
thing works. All right, Dolph?

Well, Tim, I thought we'd show
them how to maintain vintage skis first.

Nobody cares about
those old Popsicle sticks.

Never talk that way
about wooden skis.

(IMITATING GERMAN
ACCENT) I won't.

While these two guys are
stuck in the nineteenth century,

I'll show you how this thing
works. One-man operation.

Wax them? Set them in like
this, turn this thing on like this.

Nein, nein.

Apparently, you put it on nine.

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Mark, check out this
brochure from Boyne Mountain.

They got some new lifts, they got
some groomed slopes. It's looking great.

Wow! "Featuring hair-raising
slopes and teeth-rattling halfpipes."

I love halfpipes, yeah.

I love copper pipes.
I love exhaust pipes.

Yeah, I can't wait
to get up there.

Honey, I don't know
why you're so excited.

You know, you're not gonna
be able to ski on that knee.

Oh, I know.

There's bound to be a
few ski bunnies up there

that want to cozy up next
to an injured soccer stud.

Just don't tell them
you tripped over a rug.

Go with something
a little more manly,

like you were chasing
the bulls in Pomona.

Pamplona.

See you, guys. Bye.
Have a good day.

Bye. You too, guys.

Honey, this is supposed
to be our winter vacation.

You sure you don't
want to go with us?

No, not this year. I have
to finish my master's thesis.

Got a headache?

No, no. Just really bloated.
My period's all screwed up.

Hey, hey! Hey!

Sorry. Hello?

Oh, hi, Patty.

How are you doing?
You ready to go?

You don't have
time for some coffee?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Okay.

Good morning,
Patty. Morning, Tim.

That was a great
Tool Time yesterday.

We were pre-empted.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that.
I was just trying to be polite.

Well, in that case,
your hair looks fabulous.

I'm glad you're driving
today. I've got k*ller cramps.

Again? Yeah.

And my period's been
unbelievably heavy this month.

(TIM SIGHS) Yeah?

Excuse me.

When was the last time you've
been to see a gynecologist?

I don't know. It's been a while.

Yeah? How long a while?

I don't... Maybe like
a couple of years.

I've been really busy.

Yeah, but I think it's time.

Yeah, I know.

It's bad, though, you know? It's like a
dam burst and the floodgates opened.

I gotta get to some
higher ground.

Hey, Marty. Hey.

Getting your stuff
ready for the ski trip?

It's gonna be great. We're
snowmobiling this time, too.

Plus, a five-hundred-foot
vertical drop,

sixty-mile-an-hour shushing.
Bam! It's gonna be great!

What are you doing next weekend?

Taking my girls
to Barbie Expo ' .

It's gonna be kind of fun. I understand
they're unveiling her new Vette.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hi, honey.

Oh, will you do me a favor?

Pick me up at the gynecologist's
office in about an hour.

Patty dropped me off,
but she couldn't stay.

You're not feeling any better?

No. In fact, I'm bleeding really
heavily. I'm going through a tampon...

Honey, honey, honey. Yeah.

All right, all right.
I got the message.

I'll pick you up at the
gynecologist's at : .

Bye.

That's about the only good thing that
came out of my separation with Nancy.

No more gynecologist stuff.

No more midnight tampon runs.

You can never
get the right kind.

"You idiot!

"I said the super,
not the slims!"

Pads, panty liners. There's,
like, four thousand different kinds.

Maxis, minis...

Absorbent, super-absorbent,
with baking soda?

My favorite. My favorite.
Ultra-slim overnights,

with wings.

Excuse me. I've got to pick
up my wife, Jill Taylor, at : .

Oh, I'm sorry. The
doctor's running late.

I guess I'll just wait here.

Oh, there's a seat right there.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You have enough room?

Plenty. Yeah, thanks.

Well, normally, I'm only half this
size, but I've gained pounds.

Do you have any
idea what it feels like

to be bloated and
constipated at the same time?

My last pregnancy
I gained pounds.

Oh, did you have
trouble losing the weight?

No, I left half of it
in the delivery room.

Damn!

-pound kid. That
must have hurt.

The baby was eight pounds.

The rest was amniotic
fluid, afterbirth and discharge.

I'm sorry, we must be making
you really uncomfortable.

You think?

Are you going to breastfeed?

Yeah.

But I'm not looking forward
to those sore nipples.

And the leaking.

Excuse me.

Do you have any
magazines for men?

You know, like Car and Driver, or
Hooker and Handgun, something like that?

I'm sorry, we don't
get much call for those.

How about Jack and Jill?

I haven't read that issue.

You want crayons?

Do I?

Mr. Taylor, Dr. Fields
would like to see you.

I was just gonna color
the magic box first.

He's with your
wife in his office.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Lloyd, it's been awhile. I
haven't seen you since...

Since I delivered Mark.

You know, his head
finally did round out.

Okay. So,

why are we here?

So, you know all those female
problems I've been having,

the cramps, the
heavy bleeding...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're caused by a large
fibroid tumor on my uterus.

A tumor?

I'm afraid Jill's gonna
need a hysterectomy.

Forgive me, but explain to me
again what a hysterectomy is.

Well, it's where we
remove her uterus.

It's major surgery.

Oh, boy.

The good news here is that these
fibroid tumors are almost always benign.

Ninety-nine percent of the
time. That's what you said, right?

That's right.

Well, how will having
no uterus affect her?

Will we have to get
her a special dog?

He is joking, right?

You can't be sure
% of the time.

It just means that I'm not
gonna have any more periods,

and I can't have
any more children.

We already decided on that.

Yeah, I know, but I...

You're just talking about a partial
hysterectomy, right? Not a total?

There... There is
a "totalrectomy"?

Well, sometimes we also
have to do an oophorectomy.

Yeah.

Where you remove her "oophs"?

Her ovaries.

If you take my ovaries, then that's
gonna throw me into early menopause.

I'm really... I am not ready for
hot flashes and mood swings.

I know you're not.
Jill, at this point,

I see no reason that I'd
have to take your ovaries.

But

we can't be sure
until we get in there.

Until "we" get in there?

How many people are going in
and how long are they staying?

When do we have to do this?

I can work you in on Friday.

Friday? That's too
soon. If you need surgery,

there's no reason
to wait, honey.

I have to finish my thesis. Can't
we do this, like, a week after next?

No. Unfortunately, I'm leaving
on Saturday for three weeks.

I don't think it's a good
idea for you to wait that long.

Well, I guess I could just try
to finish my thesis by Friday,

and whatever I don't finish,
I'll just do while I'm recovering.

Good. Then I'll schedule you.

You have any questions?

How long do I have
to be in the hospital?

About three days.

I've got a question.

Why do those maxi
pads need wings?

It's my own stupid fault.

I put off going to the
doctor for two years,

now I got a tumor the
size of a cantaloupe.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

How do you think I feel?

I've got this hideous
thing growing inside me,

I didn't even know it was there.

I hate the whole idea of
surgery and anesthesia.

I hated it, too, the
first or times.

But I've come out smelling
like a rose, honey. It'll be all right.

Honey, all you've
ever had removed

were things that you
swallowed, got stuck to, or sat on.

I'm gonna go lie down.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah. Just tell me
it's all a bad dream.

Hey, Dad. Look what Ronny
lent me for Boyne Mountain.

Hey, great.

I got a little bad news, though.

I think we might have
to postpone the ski trip.

How come? Well,
something came up.

It's not an emergency, but your mom
has to have some surgery on Friday.

What kind of surgery?

Women's surgery.

Do you know what
a hysterectomy is?

Not exactly.

Damn.

I was hoping you knew.

Well, it's not serious as

if she were to get an
oompah-pah-rectomy.

What? Hold on a
minute. It's very simple.

If you were to
cross-section a woman,

inside, it looks like a
moose head with antlers.

And what they want to do is just

remove the moose head part of
that, and leave the antlers intact.

What? What?

Illustration would be good,
here. Think of your mom as a sink.

She looks good on the
outside, runs hot, runs cold,

but she's having a little problem
with the women plumbing department.

Her disposal is stuck
in the on position.

She has to have it removed,

because she hasn't seen a licensed
plumber in two-and-a-half years.

But, good news is, she doesn't
really need the disposal anyway.

I'm gonna go look
it up on the Internet.

Well, suit yourselves, fellas. But I don't
think it can get any clearer than this.

Come on. Up and at 'em, honey!
We gotta get to the hospital.

It's almost : .

Come on. Come on, come on.

Okay, okay. I think
I have everything.

I've got my clothes and the
hospital card and my thesis.

Why are you taking your thesis?

Well, I'm gonna be there for
three days. What am I gonna do?

Just lie around doing nothing?

Well, some people
use that time to heal.

What are the boys doing here?

They wanted to be
up when you took off.

(TEARING UP) That is so sweet.

Boys, come on! Get
up! She's leaving!

Bye, Mom. Good luck.

I hope it goes okay.

It's gonna be fine. I'm not the least
bit worried, and neither should you be.

By the time you guys
are having lunch at school,

I'm gonna be out of
surgery and back in my...

Well, I guess we should go.

Tim!

Tim!

Honey, we gotta
get going! Honey!

They're not quite ready for
you in the operating room,

so I'll be back to get
you in a few minutes.

JILL: Well,

I'll be right here.

Hey, Tim!

What are you in
here for this time?

Hysterectomy.

I guess that's
the only thing left.

Actually...

How are you feeling?

Fine.

I wasn't fine when I first
heard about the surgery,

but once I worked through
my feelings, now it's just...

I really want to go home.

I know you're scared.

What if they take my ovaries?
You know, once I get on that table,

that doctor has carte blanche.

Come on, he's not gonna
take anything he doesn't need.

The guy's not working
on commission.

I don't know.

He drives a really nice cervix.

Lexus.

I wish my mother lived nearer. She'd
be good to have around right now.

You've had way too
much Demerol, my friend.

Your mom drives you
crazy when you're sick.

Well, that's just about
little things, you know?

But this is big.

She's good with big.

And she'd keep you
company in the waiting room.

Don't worry about
me. I'm in the hospital.

I've got more friends
here than anywhere else.

That's true.

Are you ready, Mrs. Taylor?

No.

Yeah, you are. You'll be fine.

At : , you'll be out, good
as new. You will, honey.

I love you. I love you, honey.

I'll be waiting
for you right here.

Doc, I want you
to bag up the parts.

I'm gonna check your work.

MAN ON P.A.: Dr. Hart to
room . Dr. Hart to room .

Tim?

Hey, Wilson.

What are you doing here? What
are you doing coming out of there?

Well, I was delivering a baby.

I got a call from the
hospital this morning.

They were short of midwife.

Kind of a midwife crisis, huh?

I'm between births right now, so I
wanted to come out and see if you

had found out
how Jill was doing.

There's no word.

I mean, the doctor said this
procedure was an hour and a half.

We're going into two
hours and minutes now.

Well, I wouldn't be alarmed.
Surgeries are often delayed.

I hope that's it.

You suppose I could
borrow that getup?

Maybe I'll sneak in there
and see what's going on.

I think the hospital
would frown on that, Tim.

I just want to know that
she's okay, Wilson, you know?

I can't stand waiting. I feel
like my hands are tied out here.

You know, Tim,
Mahatma Gandhi said,

"The most potent
instrument of action is prayer."

I don't really have one
on the top of my head.

I'd love to say one right now that
I've always found very comforting.

All right.

(CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Shh.

Amen.

DR. FIELDS: All right. Let's give
her a couple of grams of ampicillin.

NURSE: You got it.
DR. FIELDS: We're gonna close.

I'll need a needle,
sponge, instrument count.

Give me a Pean clamp.

Give me some chromic.

We've got a problem here.
She's going into shock.