08x23 - Trouble-a-Bruin

[bunniefuu]

It's not like Tim to be late.

We go on in a couple of minutes.

He said he was going out for an
hour. He should be back by now.

(GROANING NERVOUSLY)

God! Well, maybe
something happened.

Hey, what a day!

My dream lunch. Two for
one on pierogies from Stan's.

Tim, you had us worried sick!

I thought you were
dead in a ditch! Al?

Pierogi? You betcha!

Me, too.

You guys hurry up.
We got a show to do.

Well, you may not want to do the
show once you find out what Binford did.

"To whom it may concern,

"only Binford
tools are to be used

"on Tool Time
effective immediately."

So what? They always
send me this memo.

One more and my
whole door is covered.

Well, this time our
CEO means business.

While you were at
lunch, Bud came in

and confiscated every
tool that isn't a Binford.

Ooh!

Every tool we got
out there is a Binford.

Well, now, not every...
Don't worry about it.

Let's just do the
show, all right?

HEIDI: Okay, everybody.
Five, four, Well...

three, two...

Does everybody
know what time it is?

ALL: Tool Time!

That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And of course, you all know
my assistant, Al Borland.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

All right.

Now, all of us take our car to the
mechanic now and then for a tune-up.

But do we really
know what they do?

I do.

Sorry. I'm just excited
'cause I know the answer.

There's nothing I like better
than giving a car a tune-up.

Tightening belts,
new spark plugs,

oil change, scraping
my knuckles.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, yeah.

Quickest way to find out what's
going on is to use a diagnostic machine.

We'll get... Where's
the diagnostic machine?

Oh, let me guess.

It wasn't a Binford.

Well, everyone, I guess you showed
up for no reason, thanks to my...

(CROWD GROANS)

No, no. Thanks to
my friends at Binford

who removed my
diagnostic machine.

I'm supposed to do a tune-up!

How the hell am I supposed
to do it without the machine?

I know.

You have the answer, Al?

By using our Binford hand tools.

Hand tools?

That's right! Trusty hand
tools made by Binford.

All you need is a Binford
screwdriver to listen for valve noises

the old-fashioned Binford way.

Heidi?

(ENGINE STARTING)

Now, if you find
this as dull as I do,

why don't you
contact the CEO here?

He's Bud Harper, care of Binford
Tools, and tell him Tim sent you.

Always the kidder.

Now, you want to take this and
place it against the valve head

with the handle to your ear, making
sure to keep away from the alternator belt,

the fan belt, and most
importantly, the electrical coil.

Look at Al. Putting
on a good front.

But under that bearded grin,
he's just as mad about this as I am.

You're a real trouper, Al.

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

Been there.

BRAD: Hey, Mom. Hi.

Did the mail come in yet? No.

Gosh, you'd think the post
office is trying to t*rture me.

I mean, they know I'm waiting on
these college acceptance letters

and all of a sudden
the mail's coming late.

Well, it's all a diabolical
plot masterminded

by the CIA, the
FBI and Bill Gates.

Really?

And you're going to college?

Honey...

Hi, guys.

Hey, Dad, where'd
you get the mail?

From the mailbox. Duh!

I came and got it at lunch. I was
hoping for my new lingerie catalog.

There could be
important news in here.

You know the important news?

Bud has turned a good tool
company into a fascist dictatorship.

So what, he's gonna
declare w*r on Home Depot?

You know, this is serious.

We're not allowed to
use any tools on the set

that don't have the
Binford logo on them.

And since Binford doesn't
make any automotive tools,

I can't do any
car-related Tool Times.

That's ridiculous.

I knew they were giving
you problems down there.

I didn't know they
would go this far.

Oh, this is just the beginning.

They start taking away
your diagnostic equipment,

the next thing you know
your money looks different

and you're waiting in line
for vodka and toilet paper.

Hey, Mom, Dad! What?

I got a letter from UCLA.

Really? What does it say?

It says I'm still a candidate
for a soccer scholarship.

All right! Hey! Good deal.

Yeah. I thought I'd lost my
chance after that surgery.

But I guess I still got a sh*t.

It'd be great if you got into
UCLA. What else does it say?

It says they want to come see me at the
Irish Hills Tournament, and check me out.

That tournament is next weekend.

You're not supposed to play
on your knee for another month.

Well, I guess that just changed.

I'll just accelerate
my rehab schedule.

Double your workouts.

No, I don't want you to rush it.

I mean, there's a rehab
schedule for a reason.

We'll just talk to his physical
therapist, who will adjust his schedule.

Or he can just work out with me.

Call the therapist.

When Bud gets back
in, tell him that I called.

This is unbelievable!

Every time I call
Bud, he's not home.

I keep getting some guy that sounds
just like Bud talking through a thick sock.

Sounds like he's
trying to duck you.

I'll show him. I'll call him
back and pretend I'm not me.

(CHUCKLES)

Hi, guys. TIM: Hey, Brad.

JILL: Hi, honey.

Are you limping? What?
Did you hurt your knee again?

Yeah, it's a little sore. I tried doing
ball-handling skills for the first time.

JILL: Here. TIM: Well, go
sit down. I'll get some ice.

Brad, you were
supposed to take it easy.

Here, let me see this.

Oh, man! Look how swollen it is.

Don't panic. A
little swelling is...

Mongo Jerry, look at
the size of that goiter!

Guys, it's just a
little fluid, all right?

Professional athletes
get it all the time.

But you're not a professional
athlete, you're a high school student.

Who's trying to get into
UCLA, the only way I know how.

Well, if it still looks
like this next weekend,

you're gonna have to
consider another school.

Mom, without a scholarship I
couldn't get into a school like UCLA.

No kidding!

I don't think you should
risk hurting it again, honey.

This does look pretty bad, Brad.

Oh, so now you're
against me, too?

No one is against you. Honey...

We're not against you. I just don't
want you doing something foolish.

I think we should call
Dr. Hennessy and see what he says

before we make our decision.

Think we can get an
appointment with this short notice?

(SCOFFS) Drop my
name, they'll send a car.

Any messages from Bud? Nope.

But we did get another memo,

this time about wardrobe.

What about wardrobe?

Well, apparently, we're
supposed to wear these.

What are we? Gay exterminators?

Are we actually supposed
to wear these things?

Actually, one of us is
supposed to wear this.

If Borland puts
that on, I'm walking.

How long can a knee exam take?

My personal best, about six
and a half minutes, indoors.

Been there.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hey, Bud. Where
the heck have you been?

I've been trying to get a
hold of you for three days.

What's going on at work?
Binford's... They're insane...

Hold on. Did you just
call me a chicken nugget?

What? Hold on. I can't...

Wait a minute. Bud,
hold on. I can't... Bud?

Yeah. Where are you?

Bud? Bud?

Hold on. Bud,
come on. I can't...

(GRUNTS)

Sorry.

I lost him!

I think he's at the Big
Boy on Woodward.

Maybe you should tail him.

Tail him?

Yeah. He'd expect me.

Just once I'd like to be
inside that head of yours.

You wouldn't last five minutes.

No.

Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, would
you like to come in now?

Yes.

So, how's my boy?

I'm fine.

Oh, look at this. He blew
it out again, didn't he?

Oh, no, no. It's just inflamed
because Brad's pushing himself.

It's a slight setback.

Are you saying
he shouldn't play?

Oh, I didn't say that.

So, then I can play?

I didn't say that either.

I get the feeling
you get sued a lot.

Well, look, Brad's knee should be
around percent by game time.

percent! That's
like a B-minus.

All right!

But percent means that there's
an increased chance that he'll get hurt.

Well, yeah... Yeah... But what if
he only plays percent of the time?

That would eliminate the
percent chance of injury!

BRAD: All right!

Welcome to my world.

Look, Brad could
get in there, you know,

play the game of his
life and be fine, but...

On the other hand, the knee's
not as strong as it normally is,

so there is an increased
chance of serious injury.

What do you mean
by "serious injury"?

Well, if he hurts it again

there is always the possibility of more
surgery and chronic knee problems.

Wow. This is a tough decision.

Boy, it is!

What do you want
to do? Play or not?

I'm playing.

All right. Decision's made.

No!

The decision's not made.
We haven't even discussed it.

Mom, Dad and I just did.

Yeah.

Excuse me. He's years old. I
think we still get to have a say in this.

I say that what he's
doing might be foolish.

And I say it's not.

Well... I think we
need a third opinion.

Doc, what do you think?

Well, you know, I got a patient
on crutches who's waiting.

What's that? It's a grade-two ankle
sprain at worst. Just ice and wrap it.

Look, I don't think that Brad
should risk his health like this.

It's not his health. Listen
to this. Listen, listen, listen.

Only percent of
his knees are at risk.

He's only gonna play
percent of the time.

So, you times that
and you get... Five...

Hold on a second...
Fifteen times...

Dad... Hold it.
Just carry the five...

Dad, Dad... Wait a second!

Dad, forget the math, all
right? The decision's been made.

No. The decision has not
been made. Listen to me, Brad.

I know how important
UCLA is to you.

Believe me, I would
love to see you go there.

But you could start
out at another school

and try again for the
scholarship next year.

Mom, by then there's gonna
be a whole other recruiting class.

Okay? I'll be ancient history.

You got to strike while
you got starch in the iron.

Or, I mean... You got
to... You got to go while...

Wait.

Look, you have a long
soccer career ahead of you.

I'm just afraid if you risk
blowing out your knee now,

you're never gonna play
soccer again anywhere.

Mom, I can't
afford to be afraid.

You know, at least Dad
understands how crucial this is.

Is six a prime number?

Wow! What are you making
over there? It smells so good.

This is my hearty beef stew.

You must have quite a crowd.

No, no. No, no. No, just me.

See, I cook it up in bulk.

That way I have lunch
for the next five years.

Don't you get bored?

No, not at all. See, every
three years I add crackers.

So, what did the doctor
say about Brad's knee?

He said it's percent healed.

There's a chance
he'll hurt it again.

Oh. So, I take it
he's not gonna play?

He wants to. Tim wants him to.

I'm just worried
about serious damage.

Do you think I'm being
over-protective? Am I crazy?

Well, no, you're not crazy
to worry about Brad's health,

but, to an athlete, sports
are a microcosm of life,

a battle of wills, a test
of strength and character.

Proving yourself as a
man. Go, Conquistadores!

See, I was co-captain of
my high school chess team.

Not too many people
get hurt playing chess.

Well, that's not
necessarily true.

See, I dozed off once waiting
for my opponent's next move,

and the next thing I knew,
I was impaled by a queen.

And your point would be what?

Just that I understand
why a young man like Brad

would take a risk for
a sport that he loves.

Well, so do I. But you know,
what I'm worried about is

I just don't feel like
he's listening to his body.

I didn't listen to my
body for two years,

and I ended up having
to have a hysterectomy.

I lost my uterus, the
ovaries, the whole nine yards.

Oh, that reminds me,
I got to add onions.

(STAMMERING) I'm just...

I'm worried about
him taking this gamble.

I don't think he's even
aware of the stakes.

On the other hand, Jill, he
could be aware of the stakes

and he's willing to
take that gamble,

just like I was in my famous queen
C-four to F-seven gambit of .

So, you're saying that you
think I should let him play?

Jill, let me ask you something.

Did you ever go against
your parents' wishes

and take a risk that
involved physical danger?

Yeah, I did. Mmm.

I married Tim.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(COACHES BARKING ORDERS)

Brad's looking pretty
good, Mrs. Taylor.

Yeah. Well, I hope he's ready.

I'm glad you guys
decided to let him play.

Yeah. Well, moments like this
are kind of unbearable for a parent.

(CHUCKLING)

Then how do you explain Dad?

Can't hear you, Bud.

I never try to explain your dad.

The knee's feeling pretty good.

JILL: Well, good luck, honey.

Yeah. I'm gonna need it.

I guess the guy that's marking
me goes to Cal State Fullerton.

He's also on the national team.

You're gonna do great out
there, buddy. Come on. Right.

Hey, Dad. Dad, that guy
right there, that's Steve Smith.

He's one of the
coaches from UCLA.

You forget about him.

Keep your head on the
game, all right? Come on!

Right.

Be careful, honey!

Hey, which one of
you guys is "honey"?

(CHUCKLING PURPOSEFULLY)

Hey, Steve.

Hey.

Tim "The Tool Man."

Brad's father.

Oh, right. Right. Mr. Taylor.

Hey, that's a heck of
a boy you got there.

Yeah, he is. And I hear
you're a heck of a coach.

I got a little Tool Time combo
magnet, pen and key chain set for you.

I can't accept these.

NCAA regulations, huh?

No. My wife hates it when
I bring home cheesy crap.

Got it. This conversation
never happened.

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Don't worry, Brad.
You'll get him next time!

Go, Brad!

Why's he being so tentative?

Brad, take the sh*t!
You're wide open!

Heard the "wide" part.

Go, Brad!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Jill, don't go out there!

(BRAD GROANING)
Brad! Brad, you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

No, he's not fine.

Mom, would you
get off the field?

You're the one that's
gonna be getting off the field.

No, I'm not! Yeah, you are.

Before you play any more, I want
you to have that knee looked at

at the first-aid tent. Come on.

Keep the weight off it. Keep the
weight off it. Come on. Use me.

Honey, the next
time you go out there,

you might want to
put on a jock strap.

Are you coming?

Is it painful when
you bend your knee?

(GRUNTS) No. Not at all.

Then why did you wince?

Because you're digging
your nails into my neck.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Brad, I really have to
check out the other games.

I'm sorry I didn't get to see
you play more. Tough break.

Well, wait. I might
actually go in again.

Yeah. Yeah. Why don't
you just hang out a little bit?

If the trainer lets him go back,

you can really see
what Brad can do.

Well, I could probably
spare a few more minutes.

Okay, great! I'll hang with
you. I got a bunch of jokes.

Two pretzels were
walking down the street.

One was a salted.

Hey, Brad. Why don't you
put some weight on your knee?

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

How does it feel now?

It's loosening up a little bit.

All right, let me
take another look.

I see the bruise coming in.

Oh, I knew this was bad.

Actually, as long as there's no
swelling, a bruise is a good thing.

It means it's just a
blow to the muscle

and there's no damage to
the ligaments or cartilage.

So, this guy walks into a bar.

He hears a voice that says,

"You're very handsome today."

The guy turns to the bartender
and says, "Who said that?"

The bartender
says, "The peanuts.

"They're complimentary."

I got a million of these.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

A priest, a minister
and a rabbi.

They're playing Twister.

Oy vey!

So, what's up?
Can I go in or can't I?

Well, you didn't twist or
wrench your knee in any way.

So, it really depends
on how you feel.

You guys have to make the call.

Thanks.

(SNORTS) Great.

By the time we're done arguing
about this, the game's gonna be over.

Or we don't argue about it. You
play it safe and try for UCLA next year.

Mom, this is what I've worked and
trained for for so long, you know?

And I realize I'm only
percent there physically.

But I'm percent
there mentally.

You know? And I know you
don't think I understand the risk,

but I do.

If I go out there
and I injure myself,

I'm prepared to live
with the consequences.

Are you sure? Because
it's a big gamble.

Mom, if I don't go out
on that field right now,

I'm gonna wonder my whole
life whether I could have done it.

(SIGHS)

Okay, get out there!

Show them what
you can do. Go on!

So, the chief says, "Death
it is. But first, chi-chi!"

Hey, Brad's back in the game.

The natives are going,
"Chi-chi! Chi-chi!"

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Yeah, Brad!

Go, Brad!

(CROWD ROARS)

Wow!

If that's how he plays now, I can't
wait to see him at percent this fall.

Wait! So, does that mean
he's got the scholarship?

Well, his knee's obviously fine.
He's got my recommendation.

You'll be hearing
from us in a week or so.

Congratulations.

There's our college man!

Now we're gonna continue
with our week-long salute...

Stop for a minute.
You know, folks,

I've been doing this
show for years now.

And Binford shows their
appreciation by taking away all my tools

and making me
dress like a banana?

You know, I'm as much a
company man as the next guy,

but eventually a Tool Man's got
to do what a Tool Man's got to do.

And I'm getting out
of this stupid thing.

Yeah. Me, too.

Thanks, Heidi.

Al, you with us?

Uh, I don't think so, Tim.

Come on, Al. This is
about integrity, man.

No, I'd really...
I'd rather not.

Come on. I'd... No...

It's about unity,
Al. I... I... No!

Welcome to Tool
Time. Thank you, Heidi.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And of course you all
know my assistant, Al...

Hi, everybody.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

First they start taking away
your diagnostic equipment.

Next thing you know,
the money looks different,

you're waiting in line
for vodka and diapers.

Hey, Mom, Dad!

What?

(BRAD LAUGHING)