08x26 - The Long and Winding Road" (Part 2)

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Previously
on Home Improvement.

(SCREAMING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That's not very ladylike!

Somebody call security!

If you're gonna turn this show into
a three-ring circus, I might just quit.

Sorry to lose you.

You were a good man.

Honey, a very prestigious
colleague of Dr. Hanover's

has offered me a job at his
family clinic in Bloomington.

Must be a pretty screwed up
family if they have their own clinic.

This is really an incredible
opportunity for me. This man is amazing.

You're serious about
moving to Indiana?

Don't forget my
car's in the shop.

So, I'm gonna take your car
and drop you guys off at school.

Wait? What makes you think you
can just take my car just like that?

Because I paid for
half of it "just like that."

Looks like we're gonna do this.

Yeah.

Move to Indiana.

Yeah. You having
second thoughts at all?

No. You?

No. No.

I guess I'll feel
better, you know,

when I make this
call to Dr. Lee,

tell him I've decided to come.

Yeah. I think you will.

So, have a great
Tool Time grand finale.

You guys okay with
this move to Indiana?

Yeah. I think so.

Well, I'm totally depressed.

This move's gonna be
hard on all of us. It really will.

Not about the move, Dad.

I'm a little depressed my "daddy"
is driving me to school in my car.

We're talking about family. It's
way more important than any car.

Well, it's just as
important as a car.

More important than some cars.

Dad, check the
gauge! We're out of gas!

Don't worry about it.
We've got plenty of gas

to get you guys to school
and me to Tool Time.

Dad, we're on "empty."

It's a fuel gauge.

"Empty" doesn't mean empty. It's
just a guide. Don't you know that?

We got miles left.

And it's only . to
get you to school...

Another . to Tool Time...

You add those
together, you, um...

Well, you add them
together, you know, and, uh...

I don't know what it is,
but I know it's less than .

(CAR SPUTTERING)

Well, that miles
went by rather fast, huh?

You know, it just seems like
yesterday you guys used to sit in my lap

and hold the
wheel while I drove.

Hey, don't get any ideas.

You know, that's gonna be
the hardest part about moving.

So many memories here.

This is where you guys grew up.

Group hug.

Oh, man!

Dad, we're too old for this.

You're too old for a group hug?

It's back to
individual ones, then.

♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad boy

♪ You make me feel so good ♪

(YELLING)

Mom! What?

Dad's cussing. I'm not cussing.

He said a bad
word. It wasn't bad.

Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn."

I did not say "damn."

Now you did.

Hey, Dad, I heard
a good joke today.

What was it?

Okay.

What did the moron
have for breakfast?

I don't know.

This morning you had
scrambled eggs and toast!

♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad boy

♪ You make me feel so good ♪

It's not that big a deal.

I mean, I've had
detention before.

It's the first day of school!

No one ever gets detention
on the first day of school.

I wouldn't say no one.

No, it's gonna take
a minute to boot up.

I still have that old
chip on it. Not much power.

Are you saying this
thing needs more power?

Lemme open it up. I can
make this thing go faster.

Well, why don't we
just save you the trouble

and throw it up
against the wall?

BOTH: Oh, man!

♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad boy

♪ You make me feel so good ♪

Oh, so now you're telling
me what I can and can't write?

You're acting like
some tyrannical fascist.

Did he just call me a dinosaur?

Sex is, uh... It's like a car.

The best idea

is to keep the car in the
garage for a long, long, long time.

And then, somewhere in
the future, the distant future,

when that garage door opens,
you gotta think, "Car cover."

Guys, will you clean
up this pigsty, now?

Yeah. We'll get right on it.

(SIGHING)

Ah, look at this picture
of the kids. This is what?

The summer of
. Aren't they cute?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Brad. I'll take that
change from the gas money now.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe next time you'll fill
up the t*nk like I asked you to.

Hope you learned
something from this.

Yeah, that the "E" stands for
"empty," not "extra miles."

I'll tell you one
thing. If I had built this

car, it'd have an
extra fuel t*nk in it.

Dad, if you built this car,
we'd be taking the bus.

Hey, if there's one thing Dad knows
how to do, it's build a car, okay?

This is the greatest gift
you've ever given me.

I gave you three children.

Yeah. But none of
them came out this clean.

♪ Oh, switchblade
Lit cigarette in his hand

♪ Steel-toed boots on the
accelerator Oil leaking out of the pan

(IMITATING MOTORCYCLE ENGINE)

♪ Switchblade, three two-barrels

♪ Getting there
as fast as you can

♪ All juiced up like a hot
carburetor Spitting gas on the fan

All right, under the
car. Man territory.

♪ Switchblade!
Switchblade! Seven come

♪ Switchblade!
Oh, he's all right ♪

I'm addicted to cars.

Well, duh!

I'm thinking of checking
into the Henry Ford Clinic.

Dad, can we stop?
I'm really hungry.

How can you be hungry? Your
mom just cooked us breakfast.

Did you eat it?

It was good oatmeal.

It was scrambled eggs.

Bad scrambled eggs.

Yeah. When I get married,

I'm gonna make a woman prove
to me that she's a good cook.

That's why you're gonna
be , alone and very hungry.

Come on! Cooking has
nothing to do with a relationship.

Your mom and I
have a good marriage

because we share an
honest, mutual respect.

How could you say that?

Why do you always bug
me during the football game?

Did I bug you during childbirth?

No. But you bugged
me during conception.

Little gas ball.
Moving... Moving.

(BELCHING)

Ahh!

This is real attractive.

I just read this survey,

and it said that some couples,
no matter how busy they are,

still make love
five times a week.

With each other?

Where were we?

It's kind of hard to remember.

This will refresh your memory.

(BELCHES)

Can't we just... Can't
we just... No, no...

One time. Just think,
think, think. No... No... No...

But... Home-automated
system! No! No!

We never actually said that we
weren't gonna have another baby.

I've said it. I've talked about
it. I know I've talked about it.

I mentioned it on Tool Time.

Oh, great. So
people know about it?

Do you remember babies
at all? Dirty diapers. Colic.

: a.m. feedings!
: a.m. feedings!

I don't have the
energy for that anymore.

You don't have
the energy to say,

"Wake up, Jill, the
baby wants you"?

Sorry. I'm sorry!
Mark was right.

(GROANS)

You shouldn't have double
onions on those chili dogs.

Hello.

Your mom and I have had
our share of disagreements,

but in the end, it doesn't
matter, you know?

Because one of us
always apologizes.

You? Yup.

It was a good thing that you
had Wilson here to help you out.

Well, he's learned as much
from me as I have from him.

Tim, would you mind
listening while I ruminate?

No, go ahead. Use the
bush over by the gazebo.

There was a time when I
thought my extensive research

into ancient tribal cultures,
obscure scientific data,

the thoughts of great philosophers
would never come in handy.

Then you moved in.

I like to create, Wilson. Everything I
do I want to make bigger and better.

Well, Tim, this obsessive
desire to create partly happens

because men feel
inferior to women.

(GRUNTS)

It's because we
can't bear children.

I don't mind the boys that much.

Wilson, you're not
making me feel any better.

Well, excuse me! Why do I always
have to be Santa's little helper?

Well...

I mean, I have
wants. I have needs.

I have issues. But does anyone
ever come to the fence and say,

"Wilson, do you have
a problem?" I mean, no!

It's just "Me, me, me, me!"

You know, Tim, I'm reminded of
an old philosopher who once said,

"You have to give
a little, take a little..."

"Let your poor
heart break a little."

♪ That's the story of
♪ That's the story of

♪ That's the glory of love
♪ That's the glory of love ♪

(HONKING)

Hey, there.

I get recognized everywhere.

Dad, he was honking
because you took up two lanes.

He was thrilled to see me. That's
why he was waving his hand.

Dad, that was only
part of his hand.

He was saying, "Tool
Time is number one."

Does everybody
know what time it is?

Tool Time! Tool Time!

Hi. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And you all know my assistant,

Al "This Land is" Borland.

JILL: Oh, my God!

What is this thing on your head?

It's a little piece of table.

What happened?

Oh, Mr. Negativity
Al distracted me,

and I got my head
cemented to this table.

They had to take a saber
saw to get me off of that table.

Don't you think you should
go to the emergency room?

I was just there. They
said I wasn't a priority.

Why? Was there a guy with a
whole table stuck to his head?

What do we need?

More power! More power!

(GRUNTING)

Come on, guys!

(GRUNTS)

Jam it in the light.

Stuff like this.

(YELLING)

Here you go, Tim.

(YELLING)

The one good thing about Tool
Time being over is no more accidents.

We still have a house.

You know what they say.

Every year, over ,
accidents occur in the home.

And , of those
occur in our home.

All right, Dad.

Let her rip.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I think we should say a prayer first.

Please, Lord. Don't
let our house blow up.

♪ I get knocked
down But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked
down But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked
down But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked
down But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

Ground. We're looking to ground.

Yellow, see?

The sun is yellow. It heats the
ground. That's how they name stuff.

Is that car running?

(TIM SCREAMING)

Oh, shake it off.

♪ I get knocked
down But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked
down But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

Oh!

TIM: It's okay. The ground
seems to have broken my fall.

♪ Get knocked
down But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down

♪ I get knocked
down But I get up again

♪ You're never
gonna keep me down ♪

You know, Marge,
it's kind of gratifying

to be here in the hospital
and not be a patient.

See you, "Tool Man."

Hey, buddy.

Well, maybe you can have
that feeling another day.

Hey, thanks for the ride, Dad.

You bet.

Yeah. Go get 'em at Tool
Time. Yeah. Break a leg, huh?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Hey, guys?

I probably don't say this enough
to you two, but I love you guys.

I'm really happy the way you
guys turned out, you know?

You're smart,
hard-working, honest boys.

Here's the rest
of that gas money.

I knew you were holding out.

Get out of here.

BRAD: Later, Dad. Love you.

Have a good day, Dad. You, too.

MARK: Love you.

A lot of memories.

I'm perfectly happy being
married to a man who thinks that

PBS is something that
women get once a month.

Honey, it is much safer for
a man to get a vasectomy

than it is for a woman
to have a tubal ligation.

Says who? The Wives
with Knives Club?

A woman? You brought
me here to see a woman?

I didn't know she was a woman.

My gynecologist just said

that Dr. Kaplan was
the best urologist in town.

How am I supposed to talk to a woman
about what's going on in man land?

Man land? Now you got a
theme park between your legs?

Demolition derby...
Ooh. Sexy wife...

Could you hold that thought
until about : tonight?

Wait a minute.
This thought here?

That... That would be the one.

What causes sibling rivalry?

Having more than one kid.

You fired the granite guy?

Did you hear what I
said? He came on to me.

What did he say? You had
a nice outfit or something?

He kissed me.

What did you do?

I... I pushed him away!

Well, you should have fired him!

I did fire him!

You fired the granite guy?

It's always been my
fantasy to be with a man

who enjoyed doing
the same things I do.

You know, like taking me to
the opera, the ballet, the theater.

That's my fantasy too.

Really? Uh-huh.

If I could find that man, I
wouldn't have to go myself.

Our wedding was so beautiful.

I am so glad that I didn't let
anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Who tried to talk you
out of marrying me?

Oh, no one. You know, just

my mom, my dad,
my sisters, my friends,

the minister, the postman,
some guys down at the mailbox.

♪ It's hard to say goodbye

♪ You're much more than a friend

♪ When good times
becomes memories

♪ They never really end

♪ Like ancient rites of passage

♪ It's time to carry on

♪ We caught
lightning in a bottle

♪ As we went along

♪ We've got it all

♪ Wouldn't change a minute

♪ We've got it all

♪ Never will forget it

♪ As years go slipping by us

♪ You know we will recall

♪ These times
we've found together

♪ We've got it all

♪ Long goodbyes
never suited you and me

♪ You know if God is willing

♪ We'll go on eternally

♪ We've got it all ♪

(SIGHS)

I can't believe this
is my last Tool Time.

Well, those miles
went by rather fast, huh?

I tell you to fill the
car up, do as I say.

I hope you learned that.

Yeah, I learned that the "E"...

I'll tell you one thing. Wilson's
learned enough from me,

you know, to fill a bushel
basket full of pears.