01x02 - A Damned Man

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Our Flag Means Death". Aired: March 3, 2022 - present.*
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Stede abandons his life of privilege to become a pirate in the early 18th century.
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01x02 - A Damned Man

Post by bunniefuu »

Someday soon, France
will rule the globe.

Obviously.

Finally... the entire world
will have access to good bread.

Really good bread.

Hang on what's this?

But it was too late.

Blackbeard!

Blackbeard was upon 'em.

- Whoa!
- History's greatest pirate,

and my former boss.

No, no, no, no.

: Look into the
eyes of Blackbeard.

Wait, wait, so you're saying
Blackbeard's head... is made of smoke?

When he needs it to be.

Wow.

And his eyes glow?

Yes.

But do his eyes also float?

- 'Cause his head is smoke.
- I never said that they floated.

- And how big are they?
- Uh, they're just regular eyes, but, uh...

You guys getting this?

- Mmm.
- Wow.

Anyway...

That's when I leapt into action.

Ahh!

And then, Blackbeard was like...

You saved my hide, Pete.
I am forever in your debt.

Just happy to be on
the team, Blackbeard.

From this day onward, you'll be
known as the Dread Black Pete,

my right-hand man.

Oh, wow, imagine that.

I was with him until the flip.

We're not calling you
the Dread Black Pete.

Wait... who's steering the ship?

- Did it move?
- No, Cap'n.

Ugh, really? Not even a little?

We may need to start
eatin' some of the crew.

I recommend we
start with Lucius.

He's young and succulent, huh?

What?! Buttons

we've just run aground.
Happens to everyone.

We don't need to start
eating each other.

Aye, no, no, of course not.

Not until...
absolutely necessary.

It won't be necessary.

- Won't be necessary.
- No.

Until it's absolutely necessary.

- Which it won't be.
- No.

Please, assemble the crew.

We'll figure it out.

All right, Cap'n.

Ooh...

Please move.

Bolloxed this one up well
and good, eh, Baby Bonnet?

You're dead, and
I'm not listening.

: Little Baby Bonnet broke

his little baby boat
on the big bad beach.

- Fat-ass.
- What?!

I'm not even fat.

Fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat

with your stupid, fat face,
and your oily, fat head.

Well, at least I'm alive.

You're a child with a toy.

Who's now a m*rder*r.

- Murdering little...
- : Enough!

As many of you have noticed,

we have run aground...
a little bit.

- Are we gonna have to eat each other?
- Most likely, aye.

No, no, we have plenty of food.

- For now.
- For weeks.

We can eat for weeks, so there's
no need to eat each other.

I'd like to view this
as a holiday of sorts.

You know, a vacation.

What the hell's a vacation?

Oh, well, it's a, it's
a period of leisure.

Your time is yours to
do with as you please.

Perhaps, there's
a hobby you enjoy.

Or maybe you do nothing at all.

The point is to rest our bodies

as well as our minds.

What is the punishment
if we don't?

No, there's no punish...

Look, there's literally
no way to mess this up.

Just hit the beach,
rest, and have fun.

Okay.

Can my vacation be
torturing the hostages?

I was thinking more along the
lines of relaxing activities.

Oh, I do find torturing hostages
relaxing. Particularly this lot.

I'll just take them to the brink
of death. I won't go all the way.

Let's say no to t*rture.
I think. For now.

I think perhaps take
them for a walk?

Air them out. They are
smelling a bit. Not your fault.

Why not... uh, bake 'em a pie,

and, and give 'em back rubs?

- Oh, is that what Blackbeard would do?
- No!

He'd stick hot pokers
up their assholes!

- Ooh!
- Ooh, yeah, yeah.

Right, just the walk.

Thank you, though. Have fun!

Yeah, go!

Oh, Oluwande, Jim.
Can I have a word?

I'm having a bit of a hard time
adjusting to being a mur...

- A mur...
- Spit it out, you stuttering imbecile.

Mur-der-er.

A m*rder*r. Eh?

You're not really a
m*rder*r though, are you?

I mean, you was, you was sort
of... around when he d*ed.

No, no, you're
right to protect me.

But I callously and
wantonly took a man's life.

And now I have to live with it.

But how does one...
move past such a thing?

What's he saying?

He says you don't... You know,
when you k*ll, y-you die as well.

Good one.

Hey, guys! What on
Earth are you doing?

- We're doing vacations.
- We're unwinding.

That is not what I
was talking about!

Right. What are we doin' then?

Should we hit the beach?

Eh, I have a wax nose
and a fake beard,

- so, uh, that'll kinda be like t*rture.
- Yeah.

I'd absolutely m*rder
someone for a bath.

I am starting to smell
like the rest of you.

Oh, Captain has a tub.

If you want, I can, I can watch.

Um, keep watch

- like by the door.
- No, I, yeah, I, I know.

- So no one comes in.
- I know what you meant.

- I, I, I, yeah. Mm-hm.
- Yeah.

Um.

- Maybe we do our own things today?
- Yep.

- Yep, cool. Sweet.
- Let's do that.

Um, um, yeah.

f*ck off.

Okay, come on. Let's try
a more calm activity.

Like lying flat on
the beach in the sun.

Or, maybe I'll go and
check the gunpowder?

Or, Wee John, you can just leave
the gunpowder alone for today.

Eh, I'm gonna go check it.

- Captain!
- Roach.

Need some clarification:

Are the hostages
also on vacation?

They wish! No.

Prisoners don't get vacation.

So, they can't do whatever
they want then? No, no, no, no.

Ah.

Roach... where are the
hostages right now?

They requested to take
a pee, in private.

Captain Badminton: Pathetic.

I'm forming a small search party

to retrieve the
hostages from their pee.

Oluwande has agreed to join me.

And I need one more volunteer.

Black Pete?

Having Blackbeard's former right-hand
man along would be a tremendous asset.

Yeah, right.

Can't argue with that.

All right.

This way.

Blackbeard's m*rder*d quite
a few individuals, hasn't he?

Damn right.

How does he process
that? Did he ever say?

When Blackbeard kills
man, woman, or child

he just gets on with it.

It's like breathing for him.

Wait, he kills children?

Well, it has to be
a really bad kid.

- He's not a bloody monster.
- Oh, leave it.

You know you're the only one that
believes he's worked for Blackbeard?

- No, really?
- All right.

I've had about all I'm
gonna take of that.

- Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
- Okay.

- I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it.
- We're losing focus.

- Babyface.
- Let's just keep walking.

- Hey! Don't!
- Don't f*cking call me babyface.

- He's callin' me babyface.
- Babyface, babyface.

Well, Olu, don't take the bait.

- Ah! No, no!
- Oh my god!

- Help!
- Stop shouting.

Help!

What are you whittling?

This... will eventually
be a harpsichord.

Really?

I love vacation!

No, it kinda resembles
a sharp carrot.

Wanna wager I can name a
thousand different sea creatures?

- Um, I'm not...
- Starfish!

Sea bass.

Wild Alaskan salmon.

- Pufferfish. Spiny fish.
- f*ck the beach!

Pomatomus saltatrix which
is Latin for bluefish.

You got your tigerfish, dogfish.

Other kinds of jellyfish. Don't
wanna get stang by one of them.

Send you into a
tunnel of despair...

What kind of f*ckin' idiot
runs his ship aground?

And this lot managed to take
English officers hostage.

Word is, yeah.

Spotted 'em on deck
before they ran aground.

Those hostages will
fetch a pretty penny.

Let's take a closer look.

Day twenty-eight on the I am.

Because of the heavy
price on my head...

I'm trapped in this disguise.

In a prison of my own making.

This price of revenge is steep.

I'm at wit's end.

Sweating my
proverbial balls off.

f*ck it.

Dugongs, noodlefish,

- sea lions, sea tigers, Loch Ness Monster...
- Hello, friend.

I thought this
isle were deserted.

It is, mostly.

We're merely humble
wanderers passing through.

Is it just you
then... in your party?

We've three more in a bush,
plus a couple of hostages.

You're not ghosts, are ye?

Hello?

Uh, could someone fill us in on
what's happening here, please?

- Anyone?
- You're in a cage.

- Oh, you speak English. Wonderful.
- Mm.

Look, there's been
a misunderstanding.

We're actually looking
for our hostages.

Two Englishmen. They smell
a bit like stale urine?

- Oh my god!
- Oh, Christ! You savages!

No... there.

Ah. Yes, we, uh, we didn't
think you'd eaten them.

f*cking r*cist.

- Hey! There he is.
- Oluwande: Hey!

- Need anything?
- Mm-mm, you're too kind. I'm good. Thank you.

- Just hangin' out.
- Oluwande! Thank god!

- Hey!
- They made you a drink?

Yeah, it's like a rum,
pineapple, coconut thing.

- It's really good. Try some.
- Ooh, yes.

- No? Oh.
- Oh... sorry.

Anyway, I had a good
old chat with the Chief.

Now, it seems the tribe's
had a little trouble with

light-skinned folks.

- Oh, the light-skins, dammit.
- What sort of trouble?

You keep k*lling us.

Oh, but not us.
We're not like that.

You can tell that to the
Chief... at your trial.

- Trial?
- What's that about a trial?

Oh, yeah, I wanted to
tell you about that.

I'm sure it's just a formality.

Oh... no.

It's not a formality, sorry.

Ugh, goddammit.

Uh, the Meeting of The
Elders is convened.

You guys have anything to say
for yourselves before we begin?

Yes, uh... I think there's
been a misunderstanding.

We're not colonizers.

They are.

We're pirates

not even particularly
murderous ones, at that.

Yeah.

Well, we've kinda
heard that one before.

First time light-skins, uh,

wiped out the tribe,
shame on them.

The eighth time? Shame on us.

It's nothing
personal... All right,

have any of you, uh,
k*lled anyone recently?

- Mmm.
- He has.

This insane person somehow
managed to m*rder our captain.

Black Pete: Stabbed him
right through the face.

Look at my head, Baby Bonnet.

You've ruined my head.

I probably have
children, Bonnet.

Maybe even several, who knows?

They'll never see Papa again.


They'll never see Papa again.

I'm a m*rder*r!

I'm a dirty, filthy m*rder*r!

Take me away! I admit it!

Uh, Chief, maybe, we
should have a break?

Yeah.

He's clearly very unwell.

- So, he didn't k*ll anyone?
- Nah.

He struck a man
with a paperweight.

- The rest was just gravity.
- Pff, called it.

No, you didn't.

Maybe I didn't say it out loud,

but I called it in my mind.

That doesn't make sense.

You can't call
something in your mind.

It defeats the
purpose of calling.

To be fair, I didn't,

didn't fully k*ll the man.

And my, my crew
was under thr*at.

But still, he haunts me.

Do you feel badly
this man is dead?

Honestly? No.

He was horrible,
even as a little boy.

Perhaps this guilt
concerns something else?

Goodbye, children. I love you.

Elder: Everything

is coming from you.

Until you resolve this guilt,

you'll continue to be haunted.

But there is no ghost
'cause they don't exist.

He's right, of course... Idiot.

Why does he keep insulting me?

Do you feel inadequate
in some way?

Good news. We've decided you
pose no thr*at to our people.

Only to yourselves because
you're mediocre pirates.

- No offense.
- No, you're right.

So you're free to go.

Thank you.

Great! In that case

we'll take our
hostages and leave.

Oh, no, they're long gone.

Excuse me?

Yeah, we sold 'em to some guys.

Right then... your
ship is this way.

Wait, you can't just
sell our hostages.

: We've gotta get them back.

Don't ask what
Blackbeard would do.

You're not up for it.

: Just call it, old chump.
You're in over your head.

You crash the boat,
you lose the hostages.

It's just... It's all so...

Pathetic!

Lily-livered little rich boy.

And that's all you'll
ever be, Stede Bonnet.

I am adequate.

- I'm sorry?
- I said, let's get our damned men back.

The hostages, I mean.

- Yeah, we, we got it.
- I got it, yeah.

I saw nothing!

It's important you know
how much I didn't see!

Ah! No, please! Are
you gonna k*ll me?!

- Absolutely.
- No, look,

I'm incredible at
keeping secrets.

My mom thought I
liked girls for years.

Yeah? The best secret
keepers are corpses.

: No, wait!

Okay.

Look... Whatever you're
going through right now,

it's none of my business.

But I understand what it's
like to live in disguise.

Okay? Let's just say

not all beards are actual
beards, if you get my drift.

- What? Ah!
- Oh god! I'm sorry!

- I'm sorry!
- Oh, you are so f*cking dead!

Come on, keep moving. Hurry up.

Oh, look. Who the
hell are those guys?

I don't know, but they
look much tougher than us.

Pff, tougher than you, maybe.

Oh, okay.

Why don't you go down there and
confront them then, big man.

- The strongest out of us.
- Enough! Shh, guys.

I... They have backup.

Okay, here's the plan.

What is it then?

- Mm?
- The plan.

Oh, uh, shh, it's coming.

A diversion... okay?

- A diversion is what we need to do.
- Yeah...

Yeah, but you said,
"I've got a plan,"

as if you... You
gotta just go with it.

Shh!

Release us now, and I'll
ensure you're spared

a painful death at
the hands of our king.

Ooh, what say you, Fang?

I'm your king now, bitch.

Good day, gents.

I believe we have
dibs on those men.

Dibs, you say?

Yes. So, please, hand them over.

Quick as you can.
Oh, and by the way,

I will not be trifled with,

so don't even think
about trifling me.

You're trifling me.
I'm warning you.

Don't trifle. Don't you trifle.

Ooh!

You're quite skilled.

This is how you die.

Do you hear that?
This is the ghost

of the forest!

I didn't know this
isle was haunted.

It's obviously one of your men.

- But is it?
- Yes, it is.

: But is it?

- : Ivan!
- Oi, it's an island...

not a forest!

Ugh!

I've already ruined one
man's head this week,

and believe me,
I'll do it again.

Believe him. He's quite insane.

He does have the
eyes of a madman.

Sorry, you do.

What are your demands?

Well, I was thinking

a compromise.

I'm listening.

Well, uh... we'd be willing to

give up one of the men

if that would prevent
further bloodshed.

I think he broke my
nose. My nose is broken.

Oh, and by the way,

you are completely surrounded.

My entire crew... is
just beyond these trees.

Upon my signal, unleash hell!

Fine.

There's always another way to
resolve things, isn't there?

Stede Bonnet... Pirate Captain.

Izzy Hands.

This isn't over, Mr. Bonnet.

Good

'cause I kind of enjoyed it.

- Okay, get back. On my mark.
- Mm-hm.

Go, go! Quickly!

Pirates, my ass.

Ah, here we go. Easy.

Well, it's time
we took our leave.

Some men are not
built for adventure.

Some men should concern
themselves with gentler things.

I'm not sure what that has
to do with the price of fish,

- but I suppose...
- What I am saying is

you're more gentleman
than pirate.

- Ship's ready, Captain.
- Ah, lovely!

Keep well, my friend.

You're welcome to stay
with us, if you'd like.

He's gonna get you all k*lled.

That's very kind,

and accurate.

But I can't.

I've, kind of got someone
on the, on the ship.

Ahh.

- You're in love.
- What? No. Shut up. It's just...

It's just my friend.

It's just my friend.

I'm out.

You'll never amount to
anything, Baby Bonnet!

- You will forever be damned!
- What's that now?

- Captain Badminton: Damned!
- I can't...

Can't hear you.

Why can't one be a
gentleman and a pirate?

A Gentleman Pirate.

Ooh, that rings.

Boy, I've had an
epiphany! Where are you?!

I need you to write
something down!

Where is that boy?

Ooh! Oh god! No, please! I have
this whole thing with my back.

Guess I was just hiding
in plain sight, huh?

Well, there go those fancyboys.

Shame we couldn't m*rder 'em.

Even a little bit of
m*rder would've been nice.

- Yeah.
- Captain says follow that ship.

Oh, really? Why?

How should I know?
The man's half insane.

Just do it.

No one asked you
to f*ckin' think.

Fang: I hate it
when he does that.

It really hurts.

You should say
somethin' about it.

Ah, what's the point?

I can't believe that Blackbeard
wants to meet that ponce.

Ivan: What a knob.
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