01x02 - Kickoff

[bunniefuu]

Florida Snake Hunt 2016.

Hmm.

Total length of snakes.

No more than two pieces.

Head must be included. Oof.

$20,000 grand prize.

How to k*ll big snakes.

If you ever you catch
a Burmese python,

make sure you k*ll
it on the spot.

Oh, my God!

Their teeth are
so long, so sharp.

They just puncture right down.

- You gotta protect yourself.
- Gloves, heavy boots.

You need a swamp vehicle.

Firmly pin the snake
behind the head.

- Try not to hesitate.
- Ew.

Take a c*ptive bolt
g*n or air p*stol.

So this might be the largest
python I've ever caught.

Draw an imaginary X on
the back of their head.

Boom! One sh*t
destroys the brain.

Here we go.

- Aw, sh*t.

Oof.

Hey.

Oh, yeah, I guess it was, like,

pouring rain till,
like, one minute ago.

The weather is crazy.

I don't care what Marco
says. Climate change is real.

I believe in climate change.

Doesn't take two people
to answer the door, Marco.

Were you just hiding
a bike in our bush?

God, seriously?

Why are you so obsessed with me?

I am not obsessed with you.

I live here. It's my bush.

Now it seems like you're
obsessed with bushes.

I am not obsessed with bushes.

Yeah, you are, and it's weird,

because it's not even your bush.

- It's in front of my house.
- That you rent.

You're borrowing that bush.

- Well, at least I have a bush.
- You're a bush borrower.

- You live in an apartment.
- You're a bush borrower.

Bush borrower.

I'm having a little car trouble.

- That's right. You were there.

I was hopin' I could
borrow yours for work.

Psh, you don't work.

I do work, Marco.

I'm starting a saw
palmetto farm...

- Ooh.
- Which is a billion-dollar

international industry.

By the way, I got a
huge investor meeting.

It's big stuff.

I was hopin' I get the
car just for today.

No... no.

Yeah, Marco don't
need to go anywhere.

He's gotta hang around.

He's on bush patrol.

I'm not obsessed with bushes.

And yet here we are,
talking about bushes again.

5:30? No problem.

Hey.

Name, email, phone number.

Okay.

Welcome packet.

What's the whistle for?

Does it scare the snakes
away or call them to you?

Yes.

- Hello.

Hello.

I'm Wayne Persons, and
I'm here to welcome you

to the second annual South
Florida Python Challenge.

All right, a few
quick reminders:

Hunting must be done

at approved competition
locations, all right?

Hooks, tongs, and
bags are permitted.

Not permitted are:

Traps, expl*sives,
chemicals, smoke.

Dead snakes are
counted by the foot.

Fertilized eggs inside
a snake or inside a nest

are counted as
two feet of snake.

Oh, a nest. Ooh, boy.

- That's the dream right there.
- Mm.

You know a big
female can pop out

about 100 eggs at a time, huh?

I'd like to see her body
bounce back after that one.

Now, before we begin, please
join me in a moment of silence

for last year's
champion, Boone Finnigan.

He was an honorable man

who passed away far too soon.

Was he eaten by a snake?

No. He sh*t himself.

- Oh.
- He was depressed or whatever.

Actually, he used the
prize money to buy the g*n.

- Damn.
- All right, that's it.

Let the games begin.

Whoo! Yeah!

Corby, come on. Stop
sh**t' me from below.

Rise up. Get some
flattering angles.

Little tricep.

It's a camera, not a magic wand.

I make huntin' vids for YouTube.

That's my cameraman.

This child?

He's my son.

But I'm a professional.

Got about 150,000 subscribers.

I don't say that
to intimidate you.

I don't feel intimidated.

Well, you should.

It's a lot of subscribers.

150K makes me an MTI.

Mid-tier influencer.

Pretty soon, you'll be a UTI.

Upper-tier influencer.

I know what a UTI is, okay?

My father has dementia.
He gets them all the time.

And you just made a
very powerful enemy.

Okay.

Okay.

- I'm sorry...
- Corby!

Come on. Put the camera on me.

Get this turn.

Ooh.

Hey!

Oh, what's up, Jillian G.?

- You're here.
- That's so awesome.

We're gonna be unstoppable.

When we team up... you know
you can enter the contest

with a partner.

- Okay, but...
- do I need a partner?

Snake hunting is so
much easier with a team.

Everyone knows you need
a grabber and a lookout,

and I'm very good at grabbing.

I'm sure you're a
great grabber, but...

I need all that prize money

to buy my saw palmetto farm.

Okay, but are you sure
you can do this alone?

There is some very
intense competition.

Take a look around you.

Camo guy, camo guy,
flannel shirt, camo guy,

and look at this old-timer.

He looks like he knows the
swamps better than anyone.

That guy's so old,
insects think he's dead.

A fly just landed on his eye.

He's staying super still
as a hunting technique.

Any second, he's gonna snatch
it right out of the air.

Okay, well, the camo
guys mean business.

I'ma take my chances on my own.

But best of luck to you.

I'll see you out there.

Okay, well, just so you
know, I'm gonna destroy you!

Hit me up on Uber if
you ever need a ride!

Looks like you've got
a car again, though,

so you probably won't need to.

"The Business b*ttlefield."

Chapter one: "Getting
Ready to Brawl."

Here's a question I ask
all my entrepreneurs:

What do you, Bill Gates, and
Jeff Bezos have in common?

You're probably thinking,
"Rita, not much."

Wrong.

You all have the same
number of hours in a day.

It's what you do with that.

Hey there, Mr. Independent,

Mr. Single Rider.

How's the hunting?

Pretty good. You?

Oh, it's going great.

I'm actually glad you
didn't want to partner up,

because I found someone else.

He's really wonderful.

Oh, yeah? Cool. Where is he?

- He's here.
- He's just slumped over a bit.

The bumpy road put
him right to sleep.

You sure that guy should be
out in the sun hunting snakes?

His name is Silas,

and he's actually
quite spry for his age.

You'd be surprised.

Another fly just
landed on his eye.

It's not his fault.

He takes a medication that
makes his tears sweet.

Cool. Well, I'm glad it
all worked out for you.

You found somebody that
you're very excited about.

Yes, I am very excited.

But if you're having
any regrets now...

- Nope.
- I would just think

that seeing how happy
I am might make you...

- Jillian, I'm good.
- What the hell?

Are you trying to replace me?

What? No, no.

I was just trying
to make him jealous.

He was gonna be all, "I
do wanna be partners,"

and I was gonna be all,
"Psych! You had your chance.

Later, loser."

Oh, well, all right.

You stay away from us,

or I'll slit your throat.

He's a feisty one.

This morning, he told me if I
didn't stop tapping my fingers,

he'd bite them off one by one.

- Oh.
- Anyway,

have fun going it alone.

The people who
really want success

will do anything to get it.

Yes, you may run
into a mountain,

but mountains are
made for climbing.

It may not always be easy,

but you have to get comfortable

being uncomfortable.

I always tell my entrepreneurs
that the road to success

is not a road.

It's an obstacle course,

and that's a good thing,

because once you get to
the end of your journey,

you realize the journey
never actually ends.

There's always a new
mountain to climb.

But now you're prepared.

You've taken every test
and dodged every b*llet.

You've been under the g*n and
had your feet to the fire.

Gotcha!

Ow!

f*ck!

Oh, f*ck.

Ugh, sh*t.

Ah!

Oh, sh*t.

Gah! f*ck!

- Yo, Craig.
- Damn!

Hello... hello?

Craigory! Brah, you okay?

I think I just broke my foot.

So sounds like snake
huntin's goin' great.

- I'm bleeding here, Zay.
- Shut up!

- Don't get mad at me.
- Why'd you answer the phone?

'Cause I just
called an ambulance.

I thought you were
them calling back.

Wait, you already
called an ambulance?

I thought you just
broke your foot.

I also nailed
a snake to my hand.

- What was that?
- I couldn't hear you.

I also nailed a
snake to my hand!

Is it still on there?

Hey, Face Time me real quick.

I wanna see this sh*t.

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

- Not doin' great, Jillian G.
- Ah!

Oh, you f*ck up.

Look at that.

You got him right in the brain.

At least he didn't
feel any pain.

Oh, I'm so glad this dead
snake is comfortable.

I'm gonna try to
pull the nail out.

Maybe it won't hurt.

I read somewhere that there's
a part of the human hand

that doesn't have any nerves.

Not that part!

Silas, you're on
tons of medication.

Do you have any painkillers?

- I've got diclofenac.

- What are those for?
- I have no idea.

I just eat whatever
jangles in my pocket.

But he can't have any.

- Damn.
- He's the enemy.

I hope you die out here.

I'm not taking some old
man's mystery pills.

Besides, I already
called an ambulance.

Craig, do you have
health insurance?

No. I mean, I had it,
but then I got fired.

That's a shocker.

You really don't wanna
call an ambulance.

Having them come
all the way out here

is gonna be so expensive.

Can't be that expensive.

- Like, $1,500.
- What? sh*t.

That's how much they charged me

when I fell off the water slide.

I have debt collectors
calling me to this day.

That's why I have to answer
all unknown calls as...

A little boy named Simon.

Just don't answer
the unknown calls.

But what if
I've won a sweepstakes?

Well, I obviously don't
have $1,500 lying around.

- f*ck!
- I could take you to my friend

who's a doctor.

She'll see you for a
couple hundred bucks,

maybe for free because
she's my friend.

We're really good friends.

The amount of times you
said she's your friend

makes me feel like
she's not your friend.

But if
she's a doctor...

Oh, she's a great
doctor and my friend.

- Screw it.

What have I got to lose?

Ah, sh*t.

Guess we gotta tell
them to turn around.

They're gonna charge you anyway.

They bill you as soon
as you make the call.

But I can get us out of
here. Hide the snake.

- Hide the snake?
- It's nailed to my hand.

Just put it behind your back.

Okay, act natural.

Big normal smiles.

We got a call about a man

with a snake nailed to his hand.

Oh, well, sadly none
of us are that man,

but good luck in finding him.

But now you mention it, I
did see someone like that.

Okay. So where?

He went to the bathroom.

That's his car back
there with the billboard.

He'll probably go back to it.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

You're all just
out in the swamp,

unrelated to the call?

Yup.

We're having a swamp day.

Lil' swamp romp.

We're a family.

This is my husband
and his father.

My father?

Anyway, we better get going.

Get in the car, boys!

Mum's driving.

Whose mom are you?

I'm the mother to
two young sons.

They're no longer with us.

But I'll always be a mother.

Oh, now to just grab
the nail g*n and...

Oh, yeah.

And we're off!

I can see the snake
on your hand, man.

Don't know what
you're talking about.

You called us out here.

We need to get your
name and information.

- Go, go, go.
- Silas, meet us at the car!

Are you worried about
leaving your car back there?

Why, because that
billboard is my livelihood

and it contains all my
worldly possessions?

A little bit, but
I'll figure it out.

Let's just get
you to the doctor.

Hey, thank you for helping me

with the ambulance back there.

My pleasure.

And I was thinking

neither of us is gonna
win this thing alone.

If you did wanna team up,

I could invest my half of the
prize money in your business,

and you could make me a partner.

I knew it.

You're throwing me to the curb.

Oh, I'm sorry, Silas.

But you're really
not a great partner.

You're slow. You're mean.

- You think everything's a snake.
- I'm not mean.

Come on, Silas. You're a d*ck.

- All right.
- I'm sorry if I'm competitive.

But I need to earn that
money to pay for my funeral.

Wait, Silas, are you dying?

Do I look like I'm dying?

- I mean...
- Well, you are...

- I wouldn't be a shock if...
- Advanced in years.

- The answer is no.
- I'm not dying.

Good.

And you don't have family

to take care of funeral stuff?

I got nobody.

And when you die in
Florida with no money,

you know what they do?

They cremate you.

Put you in a plastic bag

and throw you over
in a file cabinet.

Unless you're an unknown.

And then you get buried so
they can identify you later.

Stupid unknowns. They
get everything good.

I'm sorry, Silas.

Oh, don't be sorry.

When I win the 20 grand,
I'm gonna have a real burial

and a tombstone.

"Here lies Silas Humphries,

"treasurer of the Scott
Lake Business Council.

"Coauthored a report that
convinced the Dolphins

to build Joe Robbie Stadium
at its current location."

- Very long.
- It's a lot of information

- for a tombstone.
- It's a bit clunky.

- Yeah...
- I just want people to know

that my life meant something.

- How far is this doctor?
- I don't know.

The mall's, like,
ten minutes away.

The mall?

Okay, now, before you meet her,

I do have to come clean.

You were right.

I'm not really
friends with Tasha.

She rode in my Uber, and I
thought we really hit it off.

But she never responded

to any of the follow-up
texts I ever sent her.

I don't care if she's
your friend, Jillian G.

I care that she works
next to a Wetzel's.

Okay, wow. That is crazy.

It really is.

Do you know what else is crazy?

The fact that you
and I never hung out

after we totally hit it off.

I mean, I idled at
your destination

for, like, six
minutes so we could

finish our conversation.

- Remember?
- I think I was drunk.

Right, that makes sense.

That's so Tasha.

Can we hurry up and get
this thing off me, please?

Yeah, let me just fire up
the cool sculpting machine.

Cool sculpting machine?

Yeah, well, it's made
for fat-freezing,

but I think I can probably
get the snake real cold

and then just cr*ck it off.

But no, no, you gotta
give me anesthesia

and then sew me back up.

Yeah, this is a med spa.

I was really only trained
for the cool sculpting.

It was, like, a two-day
seminar in Boca.

That's why I get to
wear this cool coat.

- f*ck this. I'm out.
- Take me to a real doctor.

- Tasha is a real doctor.
- No.

We're not allowed to
represent ourselves that way.

They were very clear
about that in Boca.

- This is crazy.
- I should've never let you

talk me out of the ambulance.

I was just trying to be helpful.

You were trying to replace me.

Look, you have to
get over that, Silas.

But why, though?

Why you want me to be
your partner so bad?

We barely even know each other.

I just... really need money.

Every day is so stressful,

and I know I can't win
this thing on my own

or with f*cking Silas.

But then you came along,

and I guess I just don't have

that many people in
my life right now,

except for Tasha.

I literally don't
know your name.

Her name is Jillian G.,

and I'm sorry your
life is stressful.

But my life is stressful too.

It's only gotten more stressful

since the moment
I got in your car.

You might be the
most stressful person

I ever met in my life.

So now you're gonna drive
me back to Camille's,

and I'ma return her car.

Then I'ma get in a cab
and go to the hospital

like a normal person.

All right. Sorry.

Let's go to Camille's.
Who's Camille?

- My ex-wife!
- Right. Okay. Context clues.

I'll call you, Tasha.

I'm sorry about earlier.

I just thought you were
trying to steal my partner.

You can have
some... if you want.

Jangle, jangle.

- I'm sorry.
- My meeting ran long.

- It's my fault.
- I made us stop for milkshakes.

We finished them and threw
away the cups and napkins.

I'm Jillian, by the way.

These are my colleagues
from my new job.

It's a pretty great job.

I'd go into it, but I don't
want Marco to feel threatened.

- What's she saying?
- Is she buying it?

She still looks really upset.

She can read lips, Jillian G.,

and Marco can fully hear you.

Who's Marco?

Wait. Context clues.

I know who Marco is.

- Okay, you met Jillian.
- We had small talk.

Marco offered nothing.

Now to just shut the door.

What the f*ck is that?

It's a Burmese python, Marco.

I'm doing this snake-hunting
contest for money,

and I accidentally
nailed it to my hand.

I know. I've been lying all day.

I'm the assh*le.

Yeah, I'm
goin' to the hospital.

I'll be fine. It's okay.

You can yell at me.

What? No, be angry.

You're supposed to be angry.

I don't need help.

I need you to be angry

because you expect more from me.

Like when a dog eats chocolate?

That's how you see me?

I'm an adult man

with a legitimate career plan.

I don't want your pity.

If you're not gonna
yell at me, I'm leavin'.

Let's go, Jillian.

Let's go, Silas.

Silas.

Silas!

f*ck.

He dead.

Can you bag this
up for us, please?

Sure.

I understand you
knew the deceased.

- Yeah, we were...
- We didn't know him at all.

Met him this morning. Never
even got his real name.

He just wanted us
to call him Pops.

So there's nothing you
can tell me about him...

Where he lived, where
his family's at?

No. He just said, "I'm Pops,"

and those were the last
words he ever spoke.

Well, I'll be back to
take your info down

in case there are
more questions.

- Happy to be of service.
- Take care of Pops for us!

What was that?

I took Silas' wallet
before they got here,

so he has no ID on him.

He's officially an unknown,

so now he can be
buried like he wanted.

Okay, but what about his pills?

Didn't the bottle in his
pocket have his name on it?

Oh, sh*t.

I'll go grab 'em. You
create a distraction.

- Create a distraction?
- You'll be great.

Hello.

Hey, I just remembered
some more stuff about Pops.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

He said he was
born in Tennessee.

Did he say where in Tennessee?

- He did.
- I ju... I can't remember where.

Maybe you could name
some places in Tennessee,

jog my memory.

Nashville?

No, it wasn't nothing like that.

- Memphis?
- Oh, don't be silly.

Can you name some
street addresses?

Street addresses in Tennessee?

Yeah, it was a weird number,

something I never
thought could be a house.

Hey, that junkie's stealing
dr*gs from a corpse!

No, I wasn't!

That's not what was happening!

I wasn't stealing dr*gs!

I was just...

I just wanted to touch
this dead man's d*ck!

No law against that!

There definitely is.

- Right, yeah.
- So I was stealing dr*gs.

But I'll just put
them back right now.

There they are. Back.

No! Come back here!

Almost there.

Jillian G.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I brought your house back.

Plus, I wanted to see how
much trouble you were in.

It's only a misdemeanor since
Silas can't press charges.

It's actually a good loophole,
stealing from a corpse.

You mean grave robbing?

I guess I do mean grave robbing.

Grave robbing is a life hack.

Yeah, well, anyway,

you were right.

I obviously can't do this alone,

and since you're
without a partner now,

I came to see if you're still
interested in teamin' up.

Really?

I thought I was the
most stressful person

you've ever met.

That was before I saw
what you did for Silas.

That was pretty cool.

Thank you.

You know I didn't
actually touch his d*ck.

I meant about the pills.

You knew him for,
like, 12 hours,

and he was kind of an assh*le,

and you were still
willing to go to jail

just to help him out.

I just wanted him to get buried

so his life meant something.

But I guess he's still not
gonna get that tombstone.

I actually had a
thought about that.

Ooh, that was a good day.

- Great day.
- See you tomorrow, partner!

Partner.

- Craig.
- Oh, hey, Mr. Palimides.

- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, what's goin' on?

I need to show you something.

- Is that your apartment?

Are you making p*rn
in my building?

- No, no.
- That's not my apartment.

I mean, I could see
where it looks like it

'cause of the layout,

but no, mine is
actually very different.

What the f*ck?

I want you out by tomorrow.

f*ck.

Not a doctor. Shh.