That's what I'm talking about.
- Where'd it go?
- It never came out.
Here we go.
- Dad!
- f*ck!
- f*cking f*ck!
- Dad!
- Somebody help me! f*ck!
- Somebody please help!
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!
- Somebody please help!
I don't get it.
If there's 100,000
pythons in the Everglades,
where the f*ck are they all?
Hello, Jillian, why
you on the phone?
- Focus up.
- I'm very focused.
It's just that I'm getting
all these texts from this guy,
Nate, who I met at Dominine.
I don't know how to respond.
- "Where'd you go?"
- "Did I do something wrong?"
Jillian, did you
ghost this dude?
Yes, but only because
he's handsome and rich,
and he thought I was rich,
too, for some weird reason.
Probably because I said I was.
Good. You made the right call.
You can't start a relationship
on a foundation of lies.
Lying always ends bad.
Yes, you're right, definitely.
But have you seen the
movie, "Maid in Manhattan"?
J-Lo lies to Ralph Fiennes,
and they still end up together.
Plus, all of her maid friends
get promoted to management.
- Yeah, that's J-Lo.
- You're not J-Lo.
Okay, you're J... actually,
I don't know your last name.
It's Glopp, like the
sound lotion makes
when it hits the floor.
Uh, yeah, I don't see things
working out for J-Glopp.
You mad at me about something?
What?
No, no, I'm sorry. I
don't know who I'm mad at.
Honestly, I thought
this Rita Gaines thing
would work out, and we wouldn't
have to be back out here.
- f*ck Rita Gaines.
- I hope she gains weight.
Come on, don't be fatphobic.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I hope she gains cancer?
That's much worse.
I hope she gains
a little decency.
Would you two shut the f*ck up?
- The f*ck?
- Huh?
- What's happening?
- What the f*ck?
- I mean...
- Who the f*ck is this?
- Damn it.
- You scared all the snakes off.
What the f*ck are you wearing?
It's a ghillie suit.
Well, I like the
name, very cute.
No, there's nothing
cute about this,
unless you think it is cute to
dress like a U.S. Navy SEAL.
I think it's cute to
dress up like a tree.
I bet it's a fun way
to feed the birds.
- It's camo, all right?
- It breaks up my silhouette.
Makes me invisible to the prey.
Dad, do I have to
wear this thing?
It's a thousand
degrees out here,
and it smells like sh*t.
- It smells f*cking fine.
- It smells like gasoline.
It's not gasoline.
It's an expensive
snake pheromone
that I bought off a very
reputable online dealer.
The pythons find it alluring.
People can't smell it.
Oh, I can definitely smell it.
Yeah, well, then you must
be the one human being
that can smell snake pheromone.
So you should be in
a f*cking museum.
You got scammed, Dad.
Yeah, well, at least I didn't
get a D in math, Corby.
Yeah, that's because I
can never do my homework
because I'm always editing
your stupid videos.
I'm trying to set
you up for life.
Would you rather know geometry
or be proficient
in Adobe Premiere?
- Math.
- No one gives a sh*t
about triangles anymore, Corby.
Now, this is our
snake territory.
We called dibs.
So go someplace
else and f*ck off.
Suit up, son.
- Bye.
- Bye, Corby.
- Nice to see you.
- Corby!
There's the f*cking thief.
Well, f*cking finally.
It's been two days.
All I had to eat were these
Dominine brand energy bars.
Oh, you should be thanking me.
Those things are gold.
They're all I ever eat.
And I never have
to sh*t, like ever.
Seems dangerous.
What's dangerous
is how much work
I'm getting done while
you're sitting on the can,
wiping your f*cking ass.
Now, you stole from me,
and I don't like
being stolen from.
I ain't steal from you.
I was conducting
my own business.
Selling access to
my f*cking event.
This guy took all my sh*t
when he tossed me in here.
So you already
have all the cash.
Yeah, the problem is you've
been in here for 48 hours,
while that money's been in
Jarren's sweaty little pocket
instead of in the
markets making a return.
And I don't know if
you know this about me,
but I make money make money.
So you owe me interest,
say 18%, 18% of
- 21,000.
Holy sh*t, you made
21K selling wristbands?
Yeah, all it cost me
was one $400 ticket.
'Cause I don't know if
you noticed about me,
but I make money make money.
Hey that's Rodney's
catch phrase.
Hey, at least he used
it right, Jarren.
- Sorry.
- Don't apologize!
Jesus Christ, have you
read any of my books?
- Yeah...
- Don't answer that.
I know you have.
You're obsessed with me,
and it's f*cking weird.
Now, you got one day
to get me my money.
Or else.
m*therf*cker.
The "or else" is implied
by the silence, you dunce.
You never add anything. You
never f*cking add anything.
f*ck! Let's go!
I just didn't think
every relationship
that starts with a lie is bad.
We never would've
become partners
if I hadn't pretended
I drove a Mercedes.
And yet here we are,
tromping through the
swamp empty-handed.
Jury's still out on
where this is headed.
Help!
- Is that what's his name?
- Corby.
- Help!
- Please, come here!
- Oh, sh*t!
- Oh, my God!
- The snake is choking him!
- What happened?
- f*ck, get it off.
- Please help.
- What happened?
We were laying down, and
it just crawled in there.
I was invisible.
It's 'cause I look
like the swamp.
Hey, I'm gonna find the head.
Oh, my God, it's going
all the way around.
- Here, use the bolt g*n!
- I got the head!
Here's the head, it's
here. It's by his waist!
- Dad, Dad, Dad!
- Hold still, hold still.
Don't sh**t my d*ck off.
- Dad!
Oh.
- What the...
- Why are you in a thong?
'Cause it's f*cking
hot in there.
I'd be naked, but the
suit chafes my penis.
The suit you just put
a hole in, by the way.
Thanks for that.
Oh, sorry for saving your life.
Yeah, you didn't save my life.
You ruined my take.
I was pretending
to be strangled.
Build tension for the video.
That's right, hot sh*t. Smile,
'cause you're on camera.
Are you f*cking serious?
Where's the camera, Corby?
What? I dropped it.
- I got scared.
- Did I call cut?
You weren't breathing.
- Goddammit!
- That is method acting, son.
You've done enough
of these to know
that's part of my process.
It looks like you've
peed yourself.
That's just snake pee.
The snake peed on top of my
penis when he got scared.
Right on top.
I'm sorry we ruined your video.
Here you go. We'll just
be taking our snake.
- Like hell you will.
- It's my snake.
- How?
- But we k*lled it.
Yeah, well, I could've
k*lled it any time I want to,
but if I k*lled too
easily, there's no story.
And I'm a f*cking storyteller.
So sorry, tough sh*t, my snake.
f*ck it, look.
We'll turn it in together
and split it, all right?
Just put some clothes on and
clean the pee off yourself.
All right.
I don't drink. You know why?
It's 'cause when guys go
out, they go hit the clubs.
They go to the bars.
What they're telling the
people around them is,
"My job's done for the day."
Well, f*ck that. My
work ain't ever done.
Yo, that dude is crazy, man.
Yeah, he dumb as hell,
but he's rich as sh*t.
I'm like this.
Rich and dumb.
A man can make some
money off that combo.
That's not how the system works.
I can't just split a snake.
It's 10 feet of snake.
Five feet of snake for him,
five feet of snake for us.
Every submission
needs a tag number,
and the tag number has
to go with the head.
And I'm already
having the worst week.
Sarah's pissed at me because
of all this Nick stuff.
And then I got my tongue
pierced three days ago,
but then it got infected,
so I had to take it out.
Now it's so painful
that I can't eat.
And I'm so f*cking hungry.
And now you guys
are yelling at me?
- Nobody's yelling at you.
- Who cares about your week?
- Doesn't matter anyway.
- You're wasting your time.
You're too far behind.
Too far behind?
- Far behind who?
Him.
Who the f*ck is that guy?
What's up, Carlos?
Five pythons in one day.
Hey, save some for
the rest of us, man.
Save...
A lot of eye contact.
I thought what you
said was very funny.
Thank you.
- Okay, that's another 32 feet.
- Sign here.
32 feet?
- Explain Carlos, please.
- Who the hell is Carlos?
- Who is this?
- Doesn't make any sense.
I don't know, but
he's gonna win.
He's k*lled like 20
snakes in four days.
- Oh, my God.
- 20? How the f*ck?
We've got 3 1/2, and I
thought we were doing good.
Perfect puncture wound,
right between the eyes,
every g*dd*mn one.
- He's a snake ninja.
- So we should give up.
We've been wasting
our damn time.
No, we call a truce.
Quit fighting until
we can figure out
how to b*at this guy.
Two archenemies teaming
up to vanquish common foe.
It won't matter.
Even if we combine our snakes,
he'd still be kicking our asses.
How does he find so many?
I bet he's got a
secret hunting ground.
We should follow him and
see where he finds them.
- Follow him from where?
- We don't know where he lives.
Nah, I know how to find out.
Okay!
Forgot I had this fucker on.
You ever WOWO, work
out with oxygen?
Gives you more energy,
faster recovery, it
keeps you looking young.
Here's a fun game. How
old do you think I am?
49.
- 49?
- What, are you f*cking dumb?
No, I'm 42, but I look
31, and f*ck, I feel 14.
I had a wet dream last
night, m*therf*cker.
So you got my money or what?
I got something
better than money.
I got a proposition.
I'm willing to
come work for you.
Why the f*ck would
Rodney want that?
What do you provide?
I mean, it seems like
you could use someone
who's not afraid to
get their hands dirty.
Ooh, I don't like what
you're insinuating there.
- I'm a legitimate businessman.
- Yeah?
I checked every penthouse
and top floor apartment
sold by Lamonca
Development Group
over the last six years.
They're consistently
10% above comps.
Because I build
premier f*cking units
with premier f*cking materials.
Maybe, or maybe given how
many of your units are sold
to newly formed shell companies,
you're just laundering
money for foreign oligarchs.
All right, I'm impressed.
- You can't hire this guy.
- He's a con man.
You think you get a f*cking
say in this, Jarren?
Do the f*cking elves
get to tell Santa
which kids were naughty?
- No.
- What do the elves do?
- Nothing.
- They're just short losers.
Short f*cking losers who
live in Santa's shadow,
you f*cking elf.
Welcome to Team Rodney.
- I don't understand.
- What are we doing here?
- It's my house.
- Gotta access my footage.
Gotta get on the Wi-Fi.
Don't wanna stream that sh*t
over cellular, f*ck up my data.
But why can't we just go inside?
- 'Cause my wife's inside.
- I don't wanna surprise her.
- Why?
- She hates surprises, okay?
She's gotta schedule, and I
just show up out of the blue.
You have any idea what
that's gonna do to her?
Nothing.
Doesn't seem like an
imposition at all.
Can't you just text
her you're here?
- And surprise her with a text?
- This guy just doesn't get it.
You wanna know what's gonna
happen if I go inside?
My wife's gonna see me.
She's gonna want sex.
Okay? We don't
have time for that.
- Dad.
- Not the way I do it.
- Dad.
- Sorry, Corby.
Just 'cause you're a virgin
doesn't mean that I am.
I found the footage.
Can we just look at
the footage already?
Here we go.
m*therf*ckers that got canoes...
This is the intro from
the kickoff event.
Guess what I got?
Here we go. Here
we go. Okay, boom.
That's that
m*therf*cker's motorcycle.
And that's his plate.
How's that help us?
My best friend Matt
works at the DMV.
I'll run the plates,
get us an address.
I'm gonna track this
son of a bitch down.
You... you still wish
we'd gone inside?
- Absolutely.
- This has all been so weird.
Corby.
- I want you to hang back.
- Why?
'Cause I'm the pop,
and you're the baby,
and the baby don't
ask questions.
Okay.
Also what we're about
to do is illegal,
and I don't want you involved.
I'll stay here and babysit.
I'm twice your height.
I can't run a
stranger's plates, bro.
I just don't wanna lose my job.
Wuh-buh, wuh-buh.
You don't wanna lose your
precious paycheck, huh?
Huh, you're not gonna be able
to take care of your sister,
to afford her
around-the-clock care?
Come on, how's she doing,
by the way, anyway?
Not great.
We're just trying to keep her
comfortable at this point.
Then goddammit, Matt, huh?
You never been afraid
to break a few rules.
What happened to Matt Wendro
who stole the f*cking SAT book,
gave it to the whole
g*dd*mn school?
- He got caught.
- We all got caught.
No one in our grade
went to college.
We didn't need to
go to college, okay?
You still went down there
and partied every weekend
with those guys anyway.
- Hey it's cool, man.
- Let's find another way.
No, no, hey, hey,
hey, come on, come on.
- I know about you and Robin.
- What?
- I know about you and Robin.
- What are you talking about?
I know that you're
sleeping with my wife!
Hey, can I ask you something?
Sure.
So there's this guy,
and I really like him,
but he thinks I'm
someone I'm not.
Is this something
you should talk to
one of your adult friends about?
I'm going to, but
they're all so busy.
So what do you think?
Right. Um, I don't know.
Kind of seems skeezy to me.
I played "Call of Duty" with
this guy named NinjaKillz,
and I thought he
was around my age.
But one day I heard his wife
yelling at him about a DUI.
Turns out he's actually a
50-year-old dude from Arizona.
Maybe NinjaKillz was scared
to tell you the truth
because he thought
you wouldn't like him.
- He's older than my dad.
- It's creepy.
Right, totally.
But have you thought about
maybe going to meet up
with him in person to see if
you have a real connection?
To Arizona?
This all started because
you and NinjaKillz
really liked each other.
Are you gonna throw away
something so special
just because of one little lie?
Do you want me to
hook up with this guy?
No, I'm trying to get advice
for my own thing, Corby.
God, you don't get it.
Come on, Brock, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Well, I heard you. Okay?
I came home to surprise
Robin, I heard you,
and then the next time
I came home, I saw you.
And then there was
another time I came home,
but I didn't go in the house,
but you were having sex
against the Nest Cam.
- Nest Cam?
- Jesus.
- Why didn't you say anything?
- Because I don't care.
You know, it's all about
my elbow injury anyway.
I can't put pressure
on my right elbow.
So I can't be on top during sex,
which is, like,
my best position.
It's my go-to.
It's the one I grew
up doing the most.
So it's only natural.
Robin's gonna be
with somebody else.
But as soon as my
elbow is fixed,
well, then I'm back on top.
On top of my wife,
on top of my life.
I wanted to tell
you so many times.
Well, it would've been
a boring conversation
because I know
everything anyway, okay?
Been there, done that,
and I'm okay with it.
All right?
Then why are you bringing it up?
Because I can still
pretend like I care,
even if I don't.
I can pretend like I don't mind
that I'm an
embarrassment to my son,
and I can pretend
like I don't care
that I've lost my best friend
and my wife at the same moment.
I could pretend like
I have never felt more alone
in the whole f*cking world,
and I can pull it off, too,
because I am a great actor.
I'm a storyteller, and
I bring stories to life!
- I'll run the plates, man.
- You gotta calm down.
- I am calm, all right?
- This is acting!
Goddammit.
Classic shakedown.
You need to talk
to somebody, man?
About what?
Here, but it's not a
residential address.
The bike is
registered to an LLC.
Family Fun Times Adventure Park?
Excuse me.
Hi, we're looking for this guy.
He has dark hair,
a scar on his face,
kind of a lone wolf vibe.
- You mean Condom Carl?
- No, his name's Carlos.
Well, Condom Carl has a scar
on his face, and he works here.
He like, fixes the
windmill and mops up vomit.
Plus, he picks up like,
a sh*t ton of condoms.
Why are there a
sh*t ton of condoms
at the putt-putt course?
'Cause there's
holes in the fence,
so high school kids sneak
in and have sex here.
Then Condom Carl
picks up after 'em.
He made this like,
weird condom stick
with a nail on the end, so sad.
- That's his snake stick.
- No, it's for condoms.
He did k*ll a snake
that one time.
Oh, yeah, like eight months ago,
there was a big one
living in the castle,
and this guy stuck
his hand in...
Bit him.
Then Condom Carl had
to poke it to death.
All right, well, we're
clearly talking about
two different people here, okay?
Our guy's a snake slayer.
Not a f*cking jizz janitor.
Okay, well, Condom
Carl's over there,
so you tell me.
What the hell?
- Oh, here we go.
- Moving in for the k*ll.
Ah.
Whoa, how you liking that suit?
Yeah, feels good, feels fine.
From my Dominine line.
Sweatshop made, baby.
Yeah, I'm proud of
that. Tell you what?
I wish I grew up
in a sweat shop.
I'm jealous of those kids
developing a work ethic.
The only thing I was
doing at that age
was trying to figure out
which pillow to f*ck.
They're on the way.
Who's on the way?
Go ahead.
We're meeting Arty am Sikorof.
He's looking to purchase
three luxury apartments,
well over ask in cash.
In return, our
lawyers will forget
to report this
transaction to the OFAC.
Just say we doing
a crime, Jarren.
Be direct, or don't be at all.
You read my book?
You think I'm gonna
work for someone
and not read everything
they've ever written?
- Somebody's obsessed.
- Yes.
Obsessed with making money.
Are you not, Jare Bear?
Jare Bear, I like that.
Write that down so
I don't forget it.
You want me to write
down Jare Bare?
Yes, Jare Bear.
Write it down, Jare Bear.
Okay, I think I know
what's happening.
What if Carlos and
Condom Carl are twins?
I went to high school with
identical twins, Tim and Jim.
And the only way to
tell them apart was that
one of them d*ed of
a heroin overdose.
Okay, they're not
twins, all right?
Listen, we are getting our asses
handed to us by Condom Carl.
Something's just not
right about this.
If he works here full-time,
when is he getting the snakes?
And did you see him
double lock the door, why?
It's a putt-putt
maintenance shed.
You know, when my wife
started deadbolting the door,
that's when I realized
that something was going on
between her and
you know, surprises.
- We're coming back here.
- Tonight, after hours.
We're gonna find out what's
going on in that shed.
I'll take all three.
I'm prepared to do
5% above asking.
5? 10% or we're done here.
Then we're done.
Let me talk to my guys.
Give me the room.
5%? What the f*ck, Jarren?
5% is standard for
deals this size.
It's already 60 million,
and he's offering
another 3 for nothing.
There will be more
deals with this guy.
If we close, we
build a relationship.
f*ck that.
You think Santa Claus is out
there building relationships?
What?
Santa tells the
reindeer where to go,
the reindeer don't
f*cking negotiate.
We're not talking about Santa.
We're talking about $63 million.
- Which should be 66 million.
- This guy's rich.
What do all rich
people have in common?
They understand that time
is their primary asset.
I always say that.
This guy walks away
without a deal,
he wasted his time,
his primary asset.
So you have the leverage.
I say, raise that ask.
It's a bad idea, Rodney.
Okay.
So I talked to my guys,
and the price just went up.
It's now 12%,
Why don't you consider it a tax
for waste of my f*cking time?
I'll do 10.
My guy.
Welcome to Team
Rodney.
How late does Condom Carl work?
Can you turn that off?
I'm trying to stay
incognito here.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
It's that Nate guy.
He keeps texting.
Seriously, this again?
Text and say you're not
interested, J-Glopp.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't wanna be some old
child molester from Arizona.
What?
It's something that
happened to Corby.
- Oh, my God.
- Or almost happened.
I don't know. I wasn't
paying attention.
Maybe I should see him,
Nate, just to tell him that
I'm not interested in him.
- "Sorry..."
- Oh, no, don't.
- "To run off."
- No, don't text.
"Had an important
business meeting.
Don't send that.
Let's get together."
Craig!
Look, you clearly
wanna be with this guy.
And we were gonna
keep talking about it
until I told you it was okay,
so I'm telling you, it's okay.
Now, if you don't mind,
my life dream hinges on
whether or not we figure out
where Condom crawl is
getting these snakes.
And I'd like to focus
on that, please.
He'd love to.
Hey, here he comes.
Psst.
You didn't even see me.
It's 'cause I don't
have a silhouette.
Did you bring the bolt cutters?
It's warm.
Stinks like sh*t.
What the f*ck?
It's so hot in here.
It's because of all these
f*cking space heaters.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, sh*t.
Holy sh*t, they said
that Condom Carl
k*lled that python
in the castle.
Why is a snake living
in a putt-putt castle?
- It was laying eggs.
- Fucker found a nest.
He must have known
about the contest.
He kept the eggs, hatched them,
raised them to
full-grown snakes.
Never even stepped
foot in the swamp.
We should take pictures.
We can bring proof to
the water management guys
and get him disqualified.
No, we k*ll these snakes
and take 'em in ourselves.
Split it 50/50, make
it a two-team race.
And he won't be able to
prove we did anything wrong
without admitting what
he was doing himself.
- But that's not fair.
- Oh, no.
Oh, that's unfair
to Condom Carl.
How's he gonna feel when he
can't f*cking cheat anymore?
No, it's not fair to the
other people in the contest.
We're not the only people
who want the prize money.
A lot of people don't
get what they want, okay?
I didn't want my mom to sleep
with every f*cking Little
League coach I had,
but she did it anyway.
That's how this country works.
It's time you grow
a pair, missy.
Well, we're not gonna
do it, right, Craig?
Craig, tell him.
I say we take the snakes.
- Oh, oh, there he is.
- Welcome to mi casa.
Hey, you sure it's
okay that I'm here?
This isn't like a family
dinner or anything, right?
- That f*cking guy's here.
- It can't be that intimate.
Anyways, you crushed
it today, man.
And crushing it
makes you family.
Look, I'm just glad
that sh*t worked out.
I got you a nice little
welcome gift in my office.
Why don't you go check it out?
Oh.
What the f*ck?
Jarren?
- What do you think?
- You like that?
Wanted to put a bow on him,
but kind of ran out of time.
So what are you up to, Isaiah?
You trying to make
some money off me?
Man, I wouldn't try
to make money off you.
- Hey, relax.
- It's smart. I'm rich.
You should be trying to
make some money off me,
but this is a two-way street.
And if you wanna
make money off me,
you're gonna make money for me.
You get that?
I got you.
- I'm hungry.
- Let's go get some fajitas.
Fajitas!
No, this is wrong.
We're not gonna
take these snakes.
This contest is about getting
pythons off the street.
That's all we're doing here.
These were bred to be k*lled.
It's different.
We'll get Carlos kicked
out of the contest,
then we're tied for
first place again.
Until someone else cheats.
Are you even paying attention?
Everyone is lying,
and everyone is
getting away with it.
Condom Carl raises
his own snakes.
He's in first place.
Brock's wife is cheating on
him with his best friend.
This guy acts like
he doesn't care.
That's 'cause of
the elbow, okay?
- That situation's nuanced.
- You're lying.
You want that guy to think
you're rich, don't you?
You're the one who texted him.
Because I'm tired of
being the only one
playing by the rules.
The world's unfair, Jillian G.
Maybe it's okay if it's
unfair in our favor for once.
- Guys, guys!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, f*ck.
- sh*t.
- What the f*ck?
- sh*t.
- It's the gasoline!
- It's not gasoline.
- It's a snake pheromone.
Oh, f*ck!
- Get the suit off.
- Take the suit off.
- Get the suit off!
- sh*t!
Oh!
What should we do?
Should we call the
fire department?
f*ck no. We're trespassing.
Get the f*ck out of here.
Is everything at this
putt-putt flammable?
Why's the lake on fire?
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t. We gotta go.
To the Jeep, come on,
come on. We gotta go!
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
01x04 - Carlos
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Rags-to-riches sitcom about class and capitalism, Craig is a bank security guard living in Miami and struggling to make ends meet.
Rags-to-riches sitcom about class and capitalism, Craig is a bank security guard living in Miami and struggling to make ends meet.