01x06 - The Hard Place

[bunniefuu]

So the fire spread
from the putt-putt

to the strip mall next door,

damaging the tanning salon,

the bong store, and
the Boost Mobile.

Damn, a Florida trifecta.

[chuckles]

So can you tell me why
you were at the putt-putt

last Friday?

Well, we were following
this guy, Carlos.

He's pretty cool.

Smokes, rides a motorcycle.

And why were you following him?

'Cause he was winning
and I was losing,

and I ain't a loser.

We just want to know
how he's doing it.

I wanted to see if
he would go on break

and take off his shirt
and drink some iced tea

and spill a little on his chest.

But we didn't learn anything.

Walked away empty-handed.

Shirt stayed on the entire time.

What a f*cking tease.

So then, you didn't discover

that Carlos Ramirez was
secretly raising snakes

out of the maintenance shed?

What?

Cheating m*therf*cker!

Well, Mr. Ramirez seems to
think that you found out

and b*rned the snake
shed down for revenge.

He thinks we did that?

Does that mean he
knows who I am?

Does he know my name? Tell
me exactly what he said.

Look, obviously, we
would have been pissed

if we had known what
Carlos was up to,

but we wouldn't have
set his shed on fire.

We would've kept the
snakes for ourselves.

Yes, that's what I said.

See?

It was all clearly an accident.

Ramirez was using a
bunch of the heat lamps

to keep the snakes
warm, started a fire.

- It's open and shut.
- Thank you.

Everybody stuck to the story?

- f*ck yeah, man.
- I kept it tight.

100%.

Except for when I
instantly panicked

and said I was in
love with Condom Carl,

and then I made that
the core of my alibi.

f*ck, we were all supposed to
say the same f*cking thing.

I'm sorry. I got flustered.

- And sex sells.
- Sells what?

I don't know. I'm flustered.

- It doesn't matter.
- They think it was an accident.

We're in the clear.

Hey there, team!

Sorry to startle.

Jim Gallant, AIS.

Jim Gallant, AIS.

Jim Gallant, AIS.

What's "AIS"?

Alvertus Insurance Syndicate.

We had a policy with the Family
Fun Times Adventure Park,

so we're gonna take a
pretty big hit on this fire.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, thank you for saying that.

But it'll be fine because once
I prove one of you did it,

AIS is off the hook.

Yeah, well, we didn't
do sh*t, Jimbo.

Here, let me give
you one of my cards.

Now, you peanuts better
not stick around too much,

or I might get a payday.

[laughs]

I'm just joking.

Oh, you're a fun crew.

I'm pumped!

Who's pumped?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

So how are you feeling
about Jim Gallant?

I thought he seemed pretty nice.

He's trying to put us
in prison, Jillian G.

I don't feel like you get
a great read on people.

- Oh, definitely not.
- I get tricked a lot.

You know what this is?

It's the universe punishing me.

I got greedy and tried
to steal those snakes,

and now I have to pay.

But we all have alibis.

Corby's gonna say that
he saw Brock at home

the night of the fire.

And I'll have my
friend Scary Steve

say he saw me in my billboard.

Who's Scary Steve?

He's just a guy at
the parking lot.

He always bangs on my car and
says, "Good night, bitch."

- We can trust him.
- [sighs]

And you've got someone
at the gym, right?

I didn't see anyone,

but you have to enter
a time in the logbook,

and I said I got in two
hours before I actually did.

See? Everything's okay.

[phone rings]

Oh, it's Nessa. Give me a sec.

Hey, baby. What's shaking?

Hey, Dad, I was just calling

to make sure you were
planning on voting today.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Today is the election.

Uh, yeah, I'll get
over there if I can.

Dad, it's historic.

It's the single most important
election of my lifetime.

You're 11 years old.

It's the third election
of your lifetime.

If you don't vote and I lose
the right to my uterus...

Ah, don't put your uterus
on the table like that.

I'm trying to win
this snake hunt,

and I haven't caught
anything today, so...

Fine, I'll keep making my calls.

I wonder who's next.

Ooh, Marco.

[growls] Marco.

He's so engaged with this stuff.

I'd be surprised if he
hasn't voted already.

Nessa, look, I promise I will
find my polling place and I...

- I already checked.
- It's the same as Mom's.

We're on our way.
I'll send a pin.

Meet you there. Bye.

[line clicks]

f*cking democracy.

All these people here to vote?

It's gonna take forever.

Well, I'm sorry about this.

I know it's a drag,

but it means a lot to
Nessa that I'm here,

and I can't let her down.

Plus, you've got to b*at Marco.

No, I'm here for Nessa.

I don't care about Marco.

I mean, it's okay, but you're
kind of obsessed with him.

He's all you've talked about
for the whole ride over.

I talked about Vanessa too.

As Marco, as part of your
very long impression of him.

I'm not sure you're allowed
to do that accent, by the way.

I'm not obsessed with Marco!

[funky music]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Dad, you made it!

[chuckles] Aw.

Hey, Camille.

I printed you a voter's guide.

- It's Hillary versus Tr*mp.
- Seems like a easy choice.

Yeah, but do you know who's
running for comptroller?

No. Do you know what
a comptroller does?

- No.
- Okay.

Well, I'll take your guide,

but I want to acknowledge
that we are both uninformed.

I will not be
acknowledging that.

[chuckles]

Here we go! Hey, kiddo.

- Hey, Marco.
- I brought waters.

- Oh, look.
- It's Camille's friend.

Love your teeny duffels.

These are ultra-light
camping chairs.

18 ounces, including
the stuff sack.

You're a stuff sack.

What was that?

I said, you're a stuff sack.

But I said it quietly because
you weren't meant to hear it.

Well, I just want my
ladies to be comfortable.

Did you bring anything?

I brought myself,

which is meaningful because
I should be out working.

Any by "working," you mean
nailing snakes to your hand?

Sorry I couldn't
be a valve salesman

like you, Marco.

- [vocalizing]
- Of course.

Okay, so let's go
over this guide.

No, no, no, no!

You don't get to
stay. That's cutting!

I didn't switch shifts

to have someone come
and cut in front of me.

Ma'am, this is my family.

Bullshit!

He's the dad. She's the mom.

You're just somebody
who want to cut.

He is not the dad.

- He brought them chairs.
- He brought them water.

He's the dad.

Thank you for your
support, Jackie.

Who the f*ck is Jackie?

She's my line friend.

Just go to the back
and wait your turn.

- Fine. Fine.
- I'll go to the back.

Everybody's gotta
listen to Jackie,

mayor of f*cking Line Town.

Her word is God.

Hello? Angelica?

What the f*ck?

[dogs barking] Oh, no.

No. Please, no. I'm
dropping. I'm dropping.

Look, I've dropped!
I've dropped!

- No, please! Please!
- It's okay, my angels.

- You're okay.
- Please, stop!

Jillian, stop
scaring your sisters.

I didn't bring
keys in this time.

[whistles]

[sighs]

The way you treat my
girls in their home.

[sighs]

Did you Photoshop the dogs
over me in that picture?

Your father never got to meet
the girls before he passed.

I wanted a picture
of us as a family.

Couldn't you have just
put them next to me,

and then we would have
all been in it together?

I'm not a computer
expert, Jillian.

I don't know the answer to that.

Okay, well, I guess I'll
just scoop up my mail.

Sorry I let it pile up.

Wait, this is what you
sent all those texts about?

There are only
three letters here.

This is just a flyer
for a party barge.

I can't keep holding space
for you in my space, Jillian.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Craig, hold up.

[sighs] You can
slow down, you know?

My pace, my business.

Why you walking all
up on me, Marco?

No, I came here to tell you
that I got offered a new job.

But still valves, though.

You can't turn your
back on valves.

Valves need you.

It's a good job.

A promotion with a big raise.

But it's in Columbus, Ohio.

Mm, well, don't come
back now, you hear?

I want Camille to come.

I asked her to marry me.

Oh. Okay.

So what's Vanessa gonna
do without her mom?

No, Vanessa will
be coming with us.

The f*ck you say?

Camille's okay with this?

Camille's not sure.

She was worried about
how you'll react,

so I need you to tell
her that it's fine.

- It's not fine.
- You're not taking my daughter

to dipshit Columbus, Ohio,
f*cking Valve Town, USA.

They don't even
have a sports team.

They have the Blue Jackets.

Who the f*ck are
the Blue Jackets?

It's an NHL team.

You are not making my daughter

a hockey fan, Marco!

I'm actually gonna
double my salary.

Congratulations.

What you gonna
make now, 40 grand?

I'm gonna make $120,000.

[stammers]

So? Well, still, it's valves.

It still sucks.

I can afford to
give your daughter

a life that you will
never be able to give her.

If you could think of
anyone but yourself,

you'd want this to happen.

Ouch.

[sucks teeth]

That was like watching a
puppy with a pig's ear.

You got torn to bits.

[chuckles]

Hey, remember me?

Jim Gallant, AIS.

- What the f*ck?
- Are you following me?

[chuckles] Of course not.

That would be harassment.

I'm just here to vote.

[sighs]

But it is a happy coincidence

because AIS does have a
few questions for you.

I don't have to
answer any questions.

- You're not a cop.
- Actually, I am a COP.

A completely optimistic
person. [chuckles]

Now, you told the police
that your friend, Ms. Glopp,

dropped you off at...

Oh, I gotta talk to my
family for a second.

I'll be right back.

[tense music]

I'll hold your spot, bud.

[cackles distantly]

- No, no, no.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Could I just talk to my daughter

for one second please, Jackie?

My daughter and my ex-wife
and her fat boyfriend?

Hey, baby, listen, I
gotta get out of here.

What? Dad, you can't leave.

You asked me to
come, and I came.

This hasn't been a
pleasant experience for me.

We are still here
for you, honey.

[chuckles] You know what?

Forget I said that.

I'm staying.

But we gotta speed this sh*t up.

I'm gonna go see
what the holdup is.

[steady hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

How long is this line?

- Excuse me...
- Shh!

- Miss...
- Shh!

- Miss, I just...
- Shh!

I just want to know how long

this entire process
is gonna take.

It took me 4 1/2 hours.

4 1/2 hours? sh*t!

I need you to sign here,

then take this ballot and
go over to the other line.

Other line?

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

f*cking democracy.

[breathing shallowly]

Take deeper breaths, honey.

- So can they really deport me?
- Yes.

Any narcotics-related offense
can jeopardize your green card.

Oh, it wasn't a
narcotics-related offense.

I took a pill bottle
off a dead man,

but only because it
was his dying wish.

I don't know for sure
that Silas was grateful,

but he has visited me
several times in my dreams

and tried to kiss me.

So I don't know if you want to
bring that up in court, or...

Look, honey, immigration
law is nebulous.

It really comes down
to the judge you get.

And lucky for you,
they all trust me.

They know when I say I'm
working with a good kid,

that's a good kid.

Thank you so much.

And before we get started,

there's just the
matter of my fee.

It's usually 500,

but I can bump you down to 350

with a ten hour
per week minimum,

so you're only
looking at $10,000,

unless the holidays slow the
process, which they will.

Does that sound good?

[somber music]

♪ ♪

"You won't pay a dime."

Why are you doing this?

Why am I doing my job?

I love my job.

There's no way you
get paid enough

to stand in line for hours,

waiting to talk to somebody
who's never gonna talk to you.

Actually, AIS is
an industry leader

in employee compensation,
pension contribution,

and advancement opportunities.

It's a great American company
with a long tradition.

A long tradition of following
Black guys to polling stations?

[chuckles]

I'm glad that we're friends
now and we can joke like this.

- We're not friends.
- Well, then let's change that.

Quick, two truths and a lie.

For me: I'm Jim Gallant, AIS,

I'm gonna find out
who set that fire,

and I'm allergic to dogs.

- I don't...
- The dog one was a lie.

I... I love dogs. [Laughs]

I'm allergic to tree nuts.

Now you go.

You're Craig Foster,

you live in a gym,

and what time did you get
back there last Friday night?

- Honestly, I don't know.
- Check the logbook.

- I did.
- It has you getting in at 7:15.

- So I got in at 7:15.
- We're done.

Absolutely, but there's
one little problem.

I also checked the
security footage.

- How?
- Do insurance men get warrants?

Not usually, but
Troy, the gym manager?

- f*cking Troy!
- Nice guy.

Well, I don't think that Troy
much likes you living there.

And the footage shows
you getting in at 9:27.

Now, let me think.

You don't have a car,

you weren't at the gym,

you weren't with Ms. Glopp.

Scary Steve said that she
was alone in the billboard

when he banged on it.

I just remembered, I
was with my daughter.

I had to go to my
ex-wife's house

to talk to her about a problem
she's having at school.

[laughs]

Hey now, we got
ourselves a new alibi.

That's a fun little development.

Yeah, so you're
gonna be deported.

No, I spoke to another lawyer

who said that immigration
law is nebulous

and it comes down to
the judge you get.

- Oh, good to know.
- Let me jot that down.

That's a lot of butts.

- Yes, I am a doodler.
- [chuckles]

So you didn't know that about
the nebulousness already?

I don't really work
in immigration stuff.

I mostly deal with local issues.

You know, air boat
tragedies, Dad's law.

You've heard my jingle.

♪ She took the kids ♪

♪ And she took the house ♪

♪ And now it's time
to get revenge ♪

♪ Dean Trovia ♪

You haven't heard it?

No, it's... it's catchy, though.

Look, you can
become a specialist

in anything nowadays.

Watch.

I'm just gonna search
for "green card"

and "drug misdemeanor," and...

The Internet's out! [Chuckles]

You get the idea.

Now then, there's just
the matter of my fee.

Oh, but your billboard said,
"You won't pay a dime."

Mm, yeah, "You won't pay a dime"

is from when we're
suing somebody

and we're gonna
take their money.

You know, real law. Good law.

For your type of sh*t, there's
a $7,000 upfront retainer,

and that's against an
hourly rate of 350 bucks.

You gotta pay the best
to be with the best,

you know what I mean?

Is that your ex-wife up there?

I think I'll hop over

and see if she'll
corroborate your alibi.

Um, yeah, that's her,

but Camille wasn't
there Friday night.

It was just me and my daughter.

Oh, well, I'll just
go talk to Vanessa.

No, you can't talk
to my 11-year-old.

How do you even know her name?

Who are you?

Jim Gallant, AIS?

But look, if you're
uncomfortable,

I'm sure the cops would be happy

to have this conversation

now that your story has changed.

They can bring Ness in
through proper channels.

- No, no, no, no.
- Let's... let's not do that.

Yeah, well, I guess I can see

how involving your
daughter in a police matter

might send someone running
off to Columbus, Ohio.

[cackles]

I'll go get my kid.

Mm-hmm.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Hey, fam. Marco.

Hey, can I talk to
Vanessa for a sec?

Yeah, but can you take
me to the bathroom first?

Yes, absolutely.

- Really have to pee.
- I drank too much water.

- Yeah, that's my influence.
- 8 ounces eight times a day.

So you're bragging
about liking water now?

I'm bragging about
being healthy.

You're bragging
about being thirsty.

- Dad, I have to go.
- Let's go.

You really gotta
stop with Marco.

- You two fight like sisters.
- I know.

I'll try, but more importantly,

have I ever told
you about lying?

I feel like you're at the
age where I can tell you,

sometimes it's good to lie...

What the f*ck?

Oh, I'm sorry to startle.

If you're using the
facilities, I thought I'd join.

- Dad?
- It's okay, honey.

This is my... friend. We
met in line back there.

My name is Jim, but
you can call me George

because, boy, am I curious
about this "lying" thing.

Go on in, baby.

I'll be out here
when you get back.

Are you going for
creepy all the time?

'Cause you f*cking nailed it.

I said, "Sorry to
startle," and I meant it.

I just need to make sure that
you're not coaching a witness.

A what?

Oh, good. Marco's here.

I'm sure he has an
amazing reason why.

Yeah, I saw this stranger
following Nessa to the bathroom

and I wanted to make
sure everything is okay.

Oh, everything is great.

I'm Jim Gallant from
Alvertus Insurance Syndicate.

I was interviewing
Mr. Foster here

about his role in
a probable arson...

What?

And I need to confirm his
alibi with his daughter.

Wait, his alibi involves Nessa?

He said he was at
your house, in fact.

Last Friday night between
the hours of 7:15 and 9:27.

Yes.

Yeah, Craig is always around.

He loves to intrude.

[chuckles nervously] I do.

And you're sure
about that time line?

Those hours specifically?

Mm-hmm, whenever
Craig is around,

I look at the clock a lot.

[laughing] He does.

Ah, well, if you
think of anything else

or you realize
you were mistaken,

I'll be back in line.

[chuckles]

- What was that?
- That was a huge favor.

Thank you.

Marco, look, I know we
had our differences...

- No, no, I don't give a sh*t.
- I didn't do this to be nice.

I saved you ass, and now
you're gonna tell Camille

that you're okay with
us moving to Ohio.

And if you don't,

I'm gonna tell your friend
I was mistaken about Friday.

Your choice.

[sighs]

[tense hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- [clicks tongue]
- Don't pinch!

Camille.

Camille.

I think Craig has something
he'd like to say to you.

I know Marco asked
you to marry him

and y'all are thinking
about moving to Columbus.

Who's moving to Columbus?

Oh, it's a great city, honey.

Guy Fieri is from there.

They actually made a petition

to rename it Flavor town.

Okay...

I was gonna jump in with
my own comment there,

but I wanted you to see
that reaction, Marco.

Camille, please.

I know you're not saying yes

because you're worried if I
can handle Vanessa leaving.

And I appreciate that,

but I have to say...

♪ ♪

Good. Don't move
to dumb-ass Ohio.

We had a f*cking
deal, you assh*le!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm interfering with
your dream of moving

to the most boring state
and becoming more boring.

I am not boring.

I'm actually 15 classes away

from getting my pilot's license.

What you gonna do with a
pilot's license, Marco?

- You don't have a plane.
- You can rent a plane.

Ooh, plane by the hour.

- Of course it's about him.
- It's always about him!

You let this loser guilt you
into doing whatever he wants.

- Hey, my dad's not a loser.
- He's an entrepreneur.

Thanks, baby.

You brought this on yourself.

Where's the insurance guy?

Insurance guy!

- Insurance guy!
- Marco.

- Insurance guy!
- Over here.

- Marco.
- Jim Gallant, AIS.

- I was wrong.
- Nobody came over last Friday.

Uh, Camille was
at a school thing,

I was watching "Ray Donovan,"

and Craig, I don't
know where Craig was,

but he sure as sh*t
wasn't with us.

Wow.

Looks like this cool
cucumber has gone dill,

because we got ourselves
one big old pickle.

- [dogs growling]
- I dropped.

I f*cking dropped!

Here I am. I
dropped. God damn it!

[whistles]

I don't know what
you want from me.

[paws retreat]

Are you back only
to t*rture my girls?

No, I might get deported

and I need money
to hire a lawyer.

Ooh, call What's-His-Name.

♪ She took the kids,
she took the house ♪

- Dean Trovia.
- Yeah, I tried him.

Even he's too expensive.

Hmm.

I just need a loan.

It's not a loan if I'll
never get paid back.

But you will.

I'm in this snake hunt, and
when me and my partner win,

we're gonna invest the
prize money in our business.

Can't you just use your prize
money to pay the lawyer?

I would, but I
promised my partner

I'd invest the
winnings in his idea.

Is that in writing?

Well, no, but we shook hands.

It felt very official.

I used my business voice.

Well, then, you have
a decision to make:

Help yourself and f*ck him over,

or help him and
f*ck yourself over.

[solemn music]

Your choice.

♪ ♪

No, we are not doing this
in front of my family.

I have your card.
I'll call you later.

Mr. Foster, I'm going to
give you one last chance

to answer my questions.

Nessa, baby, I gotta go.

Where were you, Mr. Foster?

Where were you last
Friday until 9:27

when you returned to the gym?

The gym where he
lives, by the way.

- [laughs]
- Okay. God, that's perfect.

Why are you telling
them that, man?

Because I'm f*cking
sick of this sh*t.

I wasted my whole day on
this stupid f*cking case.

I thought you loved your job.

- Love my job?
- I hate my f*cking job.

You know what I love?

I love playing
guitar. I'm in a band.

I'm actually missing
a rehearsal right now,

and the guys are getting pissed

because it's the
third straight time

that I've had to bail,

and we've got a gig
coming up next week.

But I'll probably miss that too

because there'll probably be
another dumb-f*ck arsonist

trying to cover up some
other dumb-f*ck crime,

and I'll go to Jim
and ask for a day off,

but Jim doesn't care
about Battle of the Bands.

Jim only cares about climbing
the AIS corporate ladder.

Your boss is named Jim too?

Yeah, and it's
f*cking confusing.

And he gets my emails, so
I have to go by a nickname,

and they all call me J-Bone.

And you're gonna tell me
where you were that night.

"He was with me."

No, he wasn't, sweetie.

We've already established this.

No, not "me" me.

I'm translating. Mom.

- What? No.
- No, you were at a school thing.

What is she saying?

She was with me at the
motel, is what she's saying.

She's been cheating on
Marco with me, is the thing.

No, you... you wouldn't.

- What is she saying?
- Well, Jackie,

she's saying we've been
f*cking on Fridays.

You don't have to
translate that!

Wow.

You don't want Camille's
voice to be heard.

Wow.

You know what?

f*ck you,

f*ck this election,

and f*ck all of you.

I'm taking my chairs

and I'm f*cking... leaving.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Seems a little
complicated to fold up.

Ow! f*cking

f*ck.

Okay, then.

Well, I'll be leaving now,

try to get to my band rehearsal.

I can email you about our
gig, if you're interested.

That's okay.

[smacks lips] Okay.

[sighs]

Well, this day turned
the f*ck around.

Are... are you two...

No, I can't ask that question.

Okay. Um...

Are you two getting
back together?

No, baby. No.

No? Actually, I...

- That's a firm no.
- No. That's right.

- He is annoying.
- That's what I've been saying.

It was a mini-golf.

They have free Wi-Fi.

[sighs]

- Really?
- I'm not guilting you into this?

I like normal.

You sure you don't
wanna call it?

It's been a long-ass day.

No, Dad.

[phone buzzes]

[birds singing]

"Mille's."

"Not like that."

Oh, sh*t.

[relaxed music]

♪ ♪

Yo, Big C. Cregory.

What's goodie?

I see you.

Nice ride.

Why are you all dressed up?

And what kind of favor
do you need at dawn?

A big one.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[Modulations' "This Old
World Is Going Down"]

[funky music]

♪ Standing on shaky ground ♪

♪ ♪

♪ This old world is going down ♪

♪ Aha, aha ♪

♪ Standing on shaky ground ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ This old world is going down ♪

♪ Brother, yeah ♪

♪ The world ♪

♪ Today, oh ♪

♪ Is in so many pieces ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ People searching for ♪

♪ So many ways ♪

♪ Of releasing ♪

♪ We're hung up on
another drawer ♪

♪ Most of us have
never seen it ♪

♪ How sweet it would be ♪

♪ To wake up in the
morning and find ♪

♪ It was all a dream ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Standing on shaky ground ♪

♪ Yeah, ah ♪

♪ This old world is going down ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Standing on shaky ground ♪

♪ ♪

♪ This old world is going down ♪

♪ Yeah, oh ♪

♪ Yeah, they're gonna get
you, you better watch out ♪

Not a doctor. Shh.