01x10 - The Storm

Episode transcripts for the TV show "k*lling It". Aired: March 31, 2022 –; present.
Rags-to-riches sitcom about class and capitalism, Craig is a bank security guard living in Miami and struggling to make ends meet.
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01x10 - The Storm

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[sharp ringing]

- Brock?
- Bro, can you hear me, bro?

Come on, baby. Come on, Brock.

- Brock!
- Can't get 911.

No f*cking recep... [screams]

- Shit!
- [raspy voice] Is it that bad?

- What? No.
- No, just, uh, you look great.

Got your standard
number of eyeballs.

[tense music]

[raspy voice] Hey.


We're taking you
to the hospital.

We couldn't get an ambulance,
but this is just as good.

I'm basically an EMT
since I took a CPR course

seven years ago when I
worked at the water park.

[crash] [all yelp]

- [groans]
- No seat belt.

I'm not normally back
here when it's moving.

I'll just

[squeals] Ah!

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, I guess you'll just
have to get used to women

throwing themselves at you

what with how normal
your face looks now.

[billboard rattling] Oh!

- Ah!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Okay. There you are.

Brock, right? Nod
if you can hear me.

I'm Dr. Mandril.

I'm going to be
operating on you today.

You're going to be fine.

Your friends got
you here in time.

They saved your life.
You're in good hands, mm?

[medical machine buzzes]

You know, I really
hate lying like that,

but his last thought shouldn't
be, "I'm going to die."

This way, he croaks
on a high note.


You didn't give him the gas yet?

- No, sorry.
- What the f*ck, Ryan?

Jesus f*cking Christ!

Would you knock him out already?

Yes, Doctor.

You are going to be just fine.

Don't worry about a thing, okay?


[gritty music]

♪ ♪

Welcome back to our
coverage of Hurricane Annie

brought to you by
Sombrero's Mexican Grill,

home of the original
cheeseburger quesadilla.

Cheesy, beefy, caliente!

Use Sombrero's online ordering

for curbside delivery,

the perfect option if
you're on the road this week

fleeing the storm.

Which may be a lot of you.

It looks like Annie is
going to make landfall

as a category four,

prompting talks of
mandatory evacuations.

- Ah.
- [clears throat]

Well, thanks for
coming back in, guys.

I wanted to let you know
we caught Carlos Ramirez,

AKA "Condom Carl."

Did he say what happened?

He won't talk, but
it's all on video.

So it's open and shut.

The D.A. said I can return
your personal items.

So we got a set of keys
and a couple of phones

and I believe this is yours.

Thank God. It's been so hard
to sleep without a pillow.

What? I'll flip it over.

Um, what about the grack sack?

The big bag with
the python eggs.

That was Jillian's too.

No, those were Brock's.

That's why he got
sh*t, isn't it?

What's the story there?

- No stories.
- They were... they were Brock's.

Well, if you can get
Brock to sign for them,

I can release the eggs and you
can sort it out yourselves.

Yeah, but he's in a coma.

I don't think he's gonna
be signing anything.

And the python hunt
ends in six days.

After that, they're useless.

Well, if he's incapacitated,

a family member could
always sign for him.

- The f*ck?
- Ugh.

That's Pete. Pete the pig.

We borrowed him from the DEA.

He's so cute.

Yeah, he's cute.

He's also a huge
f*cking assh*le!

Can pigs be assholes?

He swallowed my
Bluetooth, so you tell me.

- What does Pete the pig do?
- He's a super sniffer.

We actually got him to
locate Condom Carl's g*n.

He dropped it at the
scene. It vanished.

The chief seems to think
it's in the grass somewhere.

So now we all have to put up

with Pete's f*cking
bullshit, all f*cking week!


It's so dumb because
the g*n's long gone.

Long gone? Gone where?

I have a theory about that.

I believe it was
eaten by a snake.

Can snakes eat g*n?

- Oh, yeah. Looked it up.
- They eat everything.

License plates, alligators...
Heck, even people.

People? That's... that's crazy.

So what I did was I contacted

the Department of
Water Management.

Every d*ad snake that
comes through there,

they're gonna cut it open,

examine the stomach
contents, and let me know.

I bet we'd find that
g*n in one of them.

[tense music]

f*ck. They're cutting
open snakes now?

What happens when someone
catches the one that ate Noah?

Aww, I didn't know
his name was Noah.

I'd rather not humanize him.

Can we please call
him "the body"?

Well, they'll find the body,

all the body's bones,
all the body's wallet,

or pictures of the
body's nieces in it.

La, la, la, the body
had no one who loved it.

The body was all alone.

Then Rodney Lamonca's
gonna k*ll me.

Oh, it's not gonna be
a regular death though.

He's gonna probably
hang me from a building

or make me lick
poison off some money.

- What?
- I don't know. He's f*cked up.

Relax, okay?

I read online it only
takes three weeks

for a snake to
fully digest a deer.

Humans are basically deers.

But it hasn't been a few weeks.

It's been one week, Cregory.

There's over 100,000
pythons in the Everglades.

What are the odds someone's
gonna catch that one?

That snake was 20 feet long
and white with red eyes.

f*cking biblical f*ck

couldn't be more
conspicuous if he tried.

Nobody's going out to the
swamps this week anyway,

not with this storm coming.

Thank God for global
f*cking warming.

That's the spirit.

- [sighs]
- Too bad about the grack sack.


Guess it's all over then.
No more saw palmetto farm.




we could maybe ask
Corby to get the eggs

from the police station for us?

He's a nice kid.

He might feel kind of bad

that his dad basically
stole them from us.


I mean, it feels
a little ghoulish.

Seeing his dad is in a coma.

And we were sort of responsible.

- True, true, true.
- Good point. Good point.

Except we're also responsible
for saving Brock's life.

- Yeah.
- We drove him to the hospital.

Got him there before
he lost consciousness.

If you think about it,
we're kind of heroes.

Corby's gonna be so grateful.

Of course he's gonna
give us those snake eggs.

"Anything for you guys because
you saved my dad's... ".

He died this morning.

[soft somber music]

I'm so sorry, Corby.

If you need anything at
all, we're here for you.


But didn't you guys
say you needed a favor?

- What? Definitely not.
- Us?

- We're here for you, champ.
- We're not heroes.

- We're just friends.
- Friends without motives.

And we definitely
see the potential

of up to 6 million
customers losing power

in the wake of the storm.

These outages may outlast
emergency generator capacity,

so we're recommending
hospitals transfer

all high-risk
patients out of state

to avoid mass casualties.

This emergency update
was brought to you

by the all new bacon
crammers from Burger Load.

[radical guitar music plays]

Now you're crammed
with knowledge!

Crammed deep up in
there! [radio turns off]

- Can't believe Brock's d*ad.
- Yeah.

But I've been around so much
death, nothing's shocking.

You know, I've won this
dress to 17 funerals?

17 funerals is
too many funerals.

- Well, there was my dad.
- That was a heart att*ck.

And then my friend
Amy. Overdose.

But then the other 15 was when
I was hired to be a mourner.

- That's a job?
- Uh-huh.

It's so unpopular people don't
seem like they died friendless.

And I was great at it. I
can start sobbing on demand.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's just a skill
I've always had.

Don't know why.

[softly] Probably because
of my deep well of sadness.

Hey, about the eggs.

I think we should tell
Corby to pick them up

before the contest ends so
he can claim the prize money.

Feels like the
right thing to do.

- He lost his dad.
- We both know how tough that is.

Yeah. God.

Of course, my dad didn't
steal someone else's

bag of snake eggs
before he died.

Neither did mine.

Seems like a
relevant distinction.

- Very relevant.
- I mean, that was our dream.

And Brock took it from us.

We'll be...

We're giving Corby the
eggs and that's that.

Guys, I feel like
God sent us Brock

to remind us that
life is precious

and to make as much content
as you can while you can.

Yo, I'd be lying if I said I
wasn't a little jealous though.

The kingdom sounds
sick. [laughs]

[soft indistinct chatter]


We met at the DMV.
Matt, Brock's friend.

Yeah. I remember you.

You were having an
affair with his wife.


I don't know why it's necessary

to be bringing up old
shit at a funeral.

I'm just saying
that's how I know you.

You were sleeping with his wife.

That's the only context
I have to put you in.

Okay, cool. So what?

You just sit around talking
about old shit all day?

- You started talking to me.
- Okay...

Did I say anything to you? No.

I'm done now. I'm done.

- All right.
- Well, good job, home wrecker.

- What the...
- Excuse me.

Hi. I'd, uh...

I'd like to thank
everyone for coming.

I know my dad was a lot.

A lot of anger,
a lot of yelling,

a lot of saying the
word f*ck or shit.

Or when he was really mad,

he loved to call people
dick less skunks.

- [soft laughter]
- He called you that.

But you know, there
was a lot of good

that came with my dad as well.

A lot of laughter,

a lot of learning,

and most importantly,

there were always a lot

of surprises!

- Oh!
- That's right, f*ck!

You can't get rid
of me that easy.

- Whoo!
- Oh!

- We did it again!
- We prayed him back to life!

- [laughs]
- Let's go!

- ["Highway to Hell" playing]
- What is happening?

♪ Highway to hell ♪

both: Jesus!

Brock is alive! He has risen!

Thank you for coming.

Thank you. Thanks
for coming, man.



Oh, bring it in.

- You guys saved my life.
- [smooches]

[grunts] Oh.

- That was crazy.
- Are you all right?

- f*ck no. No.
- My eyeball got vaporized.

Just, pfft, yeah.

But that b*llet gave
me some other powers.

You know, I'm like a
f*cking superhero now.

- What kind of powers?
- Do you have enhanced hearing?

What? f*ck that shit.

I'm rich now, which is the
greatest f*cking superpower

of all, you know
what I'm saying?

I made tens of
thousands of dollars

when I uploaded that
video of me getting sh*t.

It's been viewed over
15 million times.

- Damn.
- Yeah. I don't know.

People just love to see
all that blood spraying

out the back of my head...
I'm a worldwide sensation.

In fact, some chick in
Indonesia, she DM'd me.

She asked me to get married.

- And what did you tell her?
- I said, "f*ck no."

You know, it's
probably some dude

living in his mom's
basement in Toronto,

jerking it to the idea of
sticking his cock in my socket.

- Oh, God.
- And I told him

that, you know,
I'm already taken.

Got my little strawberry
shortcake here.

American dream,
guys. American dream.

- Getting sh*t in the face.
- Getting sh*t in the face.

That's right. I
cracked the code.

Oh, hey, guess who was in
the hospital when I woke up?

They're these pills you
take to dehydrate yourself

so you look hot
for selfies. Yeah.

In fact, the whole fake
funeral was their idea.

Brock, we so stoked
for this vid, baby.

It's gonna pull
some huge numbers!

That's what I'm talking about.

That's my guy.
That's my guy now.

Hey, since the snake hunt
is ending in two days...

We wanted you to know

the police have those
python eggs for you.

- Yeah, um, let me guess.
- You want 'em for yourself.

Well, we actually came to
make sure Corby got them

- when we thought you were d*ad.
- Yeah.

But since you're not...

And since you're doing
so well financially...

Hey, I blackmailed you for
those eggs fair and square.

Okay? So I'ma drive down
to the police station.

I'ma take 'em for myself.

[tense music]

But I can't drive because
I have no depth perception.

So will you guys take me?

Cheesy, beefy, caliente.

- Cheesy, beefy, caliente.
- [laughs]

If you want your
python eggs, follow me.

Sorry about the chaos. We're
worried about flooding,

so we gotta empty
the evidence room,

make sure nothing
gets destroyed.

Your eggs though
should be right...

Oh, shit. He ate 'em.

Who the f*ck is this?

Pete the pig!

You assh*le.

Told you.

- That little pig f*ck!
- He ate all but six of them.

Maybe it's karma.

Maybe you shouldn't have tried
to steal our prize money.

- Hey, you know what?
- f*ck off, okay?

I wasn't gonna actually
keep the eggs from you.

I was gonna give 'em to you
as a surprise on camera.

Check this out. [Whistles]

Hey, boys! Come out, come on.

This is my crew. [Laughs]

Viral philanthropy.
It's huge on YouTube.

You know, you give
cash to strangers

or Yeezys to teachers.

See the one with
the homeless guy

where they're giving
him the Apple Watch?


- He didn't actually want it.
- Got pretty violent.

But look, the point is this.

This video was gonna be
life-affirming as shit.

A creator finally
makes it, giving back.

Yeah, f*ck it.

Just 'cause I
don't have the eggs

doesn't mean I
can't give you this.

[soft music]

That's $20,000.

- What?
- Yeah.

From the Rawboned
guys, for the funeral.

We were gonna get a
f*re rig for the casket

to make it look like I was
literally coming up from hell,

but couldn't get it
shipped out in time.

- Wait.
- Are you serious right now?

- This is fake, right?
- This is for a video.

f*ck no, it's not for a video.

Guys, last week, I... I
thought I was gonna die.

I mean, I was on that table.

All I could think about
was my son, you know?

And just how much I...

I didn't want Corby to
grow up to be like me.

I've walked this
Earth for 42 years.

I can't think of a single
person whose life is better

because they met me.

[thunder rumbles]

This is my chance
to make that right.

- I, uh...
- [laughs]

I don't know what to say.

Thank you doesn't
seem like enough.

Thank you is all I need.

♪ ♪

f*cking love you, man.

Love you, brother.

Definitely gonna
need to go again.


I said we're definitely
gonna need to go again.

Guys, I want you to bring
it in a little closer.

Okay? Get the intimacy here.

Okay, hey, I need
the envelope back.

I thought you said
this wasn't a video.

- Of course it's for a video.
- Okay?

I mean, I meant
everything I said,

and of course you
can keep the money,

but I gotta do
numbers on this one

'cause, you know, I'm
losing a lot of cash.

And hey, not just a thank
you. You know, like, come on.

I need you, like, crazy
and yelling, screaming.

You know, maybe
somebody throws up.

I can start sobbing on demand.

- I can scream real loud.
- Let do it.

- Boom!
- What?

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- This is crazy!

- Oh, my God!
- This is crazy!

I don't know how to
thank you enough!

Thank you so much.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Both: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Holy shit!

- Craig!
- Jillian!

[both laugh]

The bank. We gotta go
to the bank right now.

I think they might
have closed early

because of the storm.

I will deposit this in the ATM

120 at a time if I have to.

Come on, come on, come on.

[engine turns over] [sighs]


I know this isn't happening
'cause of Brock or Condom Carl

This is happening 'cause
of you, Jillian Glopp.

You found the eggs. You...

[soft music]

You saved me.

We should deposit
this in your account.

You should have control over it.

Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it should probably go in
your account since I'm not sure

I'm gonna be able to partner
with you on the farm.

What? What you talking about?

I might lose my green card

and get deported
in a couple weeks.


It's because I stole
Silas' pill bottle,

which was a
drug-related offense.

- Do you have a lawyer?
- What's your lawyer say?

Yep. She says she can take
care of this no problem.

- Okay, great.
- That's great. Very great.

- Except I can't afford her.
- [sighs]

- But don't worry.
- I'm gonna represent myself.

To prepare, I've been watching
a lot of that show "Suits"

through the window of a house
I park my car in front of.

I can't hear the dialogue,

but I've picked up some
very powerful hand gestures.

I am pointing. I am pointing.

Now I am crossing my arms.

Jesus. Why didn't you tell me?

- You've been busy.
- And I don't know.

Maybe I'll be happier. I
mean, I live in a billboard.

How much worse can my life get?

At least in Australia,
they have free health care.

But you wanna stay, right?

I mean,

it was my father's dream
to make it in America.

And being here and trying
to follow in his footsteps,

it's really the only thing
that lets me still feel

connected to him,

or connected to anything.

Without that,

I really think I'd just
be floating in space.


♪ ♪


Yeah. This is more important.

- I can't.
- Yes, you can, Jillian.

Okay? It's yours.

Take it, pay the lawyer,
and come to Camille's after.

I'm not letting you ride out
a hurricane in a billboard.

You okay? What are you doing?

I'm trying to give you a hug,
but the seatbelt's locked up.

It'll release in a second.

You know, you can
just unbuckle it.

- Oh, right.
- [seat belt clicks]


♪ ♪

Man, that shit is foolish.

She's a friend, plus
it's her money, Zay.

I mean, dude handed
the envelope to you.

That's your problem.

You're always trying to
look out for everybody else.

You know, what you
even doing here

helping me put up
plywood, anyway?

You called and asked me to come.

Yeah, well, it's f*cked
up that you said yes.

I mean, don't get me
wrong. [drill whirs]

I love that your dumb
ass is the way it is.

But ain't nothing
in this for you.

You know I ordered delivery

and didn't even ask you
if you wanted anything?

- What kind of delivery?
- Islas Canarias.


While you was working,
I got croquetas.

- Damn!
- Mm-hmm.

Doing the right thing
is never a mistake.

- I believe in karma.
- Karma.

All I know is the one time
I was gonna break the rules,

the one time,

the f*cking putt putt
immediately went up in flames.

Lake on f*re and
everything. Bible shit.

So if that's not the universe
sending me a message,

what is it?

Just a random
f*cking event, Craig.

I mean, thousands of folks

gonna lose they homes
in this hurricane.

You think they did anything
to deserve this shit?

- No.
- What about every other person

who entered the python
challenge and didn't win?

- Are they bad people?
- No.

What about Nemo's mom
in "Finding Nemo"?

You think she got what
was coming to her?

We don't know what Nemo's mom
did before the movie started.

We don't know how she was.

If that's what you
got to tell yourself.

Nemo's mom was a computer fish.

What are we even talking about?

Why you think the
pythons take over, hm?

It's because they...
They're good,

or it's God's will,

or it's because they
big and they mean,

and they don't give a
f*ck about anyone else?

I think there are complex
biological factors at play...

It's because they don't
give a f*ck about anyone.

That's who wins. That's
how the world works.

That's not how the world works.

The world is not all snakes.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Ain't nothing but
snakes all the way down.

Or maybe that's just
something you made up

so you can have an excuse to
act like a selfish assh*le.

At the end of the
day, I have Nessa.

I have Camille. I have Jillian.

None of them are
snakes, by the way.

But who do you have?
Let's play a little game.

Who does Isaiah
have on his squad?

Uh, Dame? Rodney Lamonca?

You have nobody. [Thunder booms]

You all alone out here, Isaiah.

So please don't tell me
about your grand theory

of how the world
works because...

- Camille's moving, you know.
- To Oakland.


[pensive music]

She's taking Vanessa.

- [scoffs] No, she's not.
- That's bullshit.

She texted me because
my boy Drew ships cars

all across the country
and she wanted his number.

I promised her that I
wouldn't say anything to you,

but then it really helped
me win this argument.

♪ ♪


What the f*ck?

[wind whooshing]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[thunder booming]



I don't understand
what's happening.

We already went through
this two weeks ago,

with dumb f*ck Marco and
dumb f*ck Columbus, Ohio.

Remember? You chose me over him.

So you want to
move to California?

You wanna take my daughter
14,000 miles away from me?

Or a thousand miles, or...

I don't know the distance.
How far is Oakland?

A good life involves her dad.

I can help you.

That's not true.

[soft dramatic music]

- Yes, there is.
- I almost had it today.

I promise you. I can do this.

I can f*cking do this!

[thunder booms, wind whooshes]


It's okay, baby.

It's just the power.

♪ ♪

I gave the money to the lawyer.

They were closed,
but they sent someone

through the storm
to take my deposit.

Lawyers love money.
"Suits" was right.

Yeah, okay. Good.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Can I borrow your car?

Right now? Why?


I'm going snake hunting.

[determined music]

♪ ♪

I mean, you said that
very dramatically,

and it was definitely cool,

but there's a
hurricane right now.

I really don't think you
should be going out there.


[engine turning over]

If you're going, I'm going.

It's okay. You don't have to.

Craig, we're partners.

Now, as someone who's
often winging it,

I find the lack of
forethought here exhilarating.

But also, what is the plan?

We're at fifth place, 25
feet of snake out of first.

The six eggs from the
grack sack gets us 12,

so we just need to find a 13
footer before the contest ends.

Right. That makes sense.


The only tiny
little problem I see

is the life-thr*at
winds and rain.

It's actually great
because it means

nobody else will be out
hunting in this weather.

[thunder booming]

Right. Totally.

This is great.

[engine starts]

♪ ♪

- [screams] Craig, slow down!
- Oh, it's f*ck'...

Look out! [Screams]


The billboard keeps
catching the wind.

It's gonna pull us off the road.

I mean,

I guess we could always just
turn around and go home.

We're not turning around!

This is gonna work out.

The universe will
provide. I promise.

f*ck it. I'm going out there.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God!

This is crazy! It's pitch black!

We're never gonna find
anything out here!

We'll find something, Jillian!

We have to!

- I can't see anything!
- Can you see anything?

It's so f*cking dark, Craig!

Well, we gave it a go,
and that's what matters!

We can probably go home now!


Oh, my God!

There's nothing out here!

Craig, I wanna believe in you,

but I don't think the
universe is gonna send us a...

Oh, shit.

Is that the snake that ate Noah?

Yep, that's him.

What you think?

16 footer?

- You don't have to do this.
- What about Isaiah?

Nothing but snakes,
all the way down.

[Phantogram's "Cruel World"]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm putting you
out of your misery ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause, darling,
you're dragging me down ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I wish I could
say that I'm sorry ♪

♪ But I'm over that now,
I'm taking you out ♪

♪ It's a cruel, cruel world ♪

♪ ♪

What is this?

♪ ♪

♪ I used to see
beauty in people ♪

That, my friend, is $20,000.

♪ But now I see
muscle and bones ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You know I never
wanted to hurt you ♪

Zay, it's me. Listen.

♪ But I'm sorry, my
friend, this is the end ♪

You gonna want to run.

♪ So I'm saying my goodbyes ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Goodbye to my good side ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It only ever got me hurt ♪

♪ And I finally learned ♪

♪ It's a cruel, cruel world ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's a cruel, cruel world ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Erase you from my mind ♪

♪ I'm sorry, but I ♪

♪ I'm cutting all the ties ♪

♪ So I'm saying my goodbyes ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Goodbye to my good side ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It only ever got me hurt ♪

♪ And I finally learned ♪

♪ It's a cruel, cruel world ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's a cruel, cruel world ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Cruel, cruel world ♪

♪ ♪

Not a doctor. Shh.
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