01x04 - Alan's Routine

[bunniefuu]

[water running]

Ten.

["Piano Concerto No. 4 in G Major,
Op. 58: III. Rondo: Vivace" playing]

- Play affirmations for success.
- [device chimes]

[automated female voice]
Affirmations for success:

I am beautiful.

[Alan] I am beautiful.

[automated voice]
I am loved and deserve love.

[Alan] I am loved and deserve love.

[automated voice] I am in control.

I am in control.

- I am beautiful.
- I am beautiful.

[automated voice]
I am loved and deserve love.

I am in control.

I am beautiful.

I am loved and deserve love.

[door opens]

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

Thank you very much.

Nice kid.

- [automated voice] I am beautiful.
- I am beautiful.

[automated voice]
I am loved and deserve love.

I'm loved. I deserve to be loved.

- [automated voice] I am in control.
- I'm in control.

- [John] Maxine invited me to your party.
- I'm in control.

- [John] Are you here?
- Yeah, I know, but, uh...

I'm trying to find this guy
I met the other night.

[John] Oh. Wow, okay.

Well, that's a... That's a good way
to make me feel special.

Right. No, no, no,
it's not like a sex thing.

It's... He's a homelss guy.

[softly speaking to himself]

[softly] I'm in control.

I'm in control.

[exhales]

Okay, bye.

You're early.

- You look...
- Thanks.

- What's up? You seem a little...
- You always say that.

- I always say...
- Yes, always.

Routine is an incredible thing, Beatrice.
We become what we repeatedly do.

Is that one of your affirmations?

- Where are your bags?
- Where are your bags?

- We need to talk...
- To talk. Yes, let's talk.

It seems like a great time to talk,

on the night before we leave
on a week-long vacation

I've been planning for months.

I need a drink.

What's up, Bea?

You seem nervous.

Almost as if it's occurring to you
in this moment,

maybe, possibly that this is
gonna be harder than you thought.

- Did somebody tell you...
- You're going to break up with me? No.

No, you did.

Stop playing these mind games.

What is the point of all this?
To humiliate me? To make me...

- feel bad?
- Yes!

That... That wasn't supposed to happen.
That...

Uh...

[exhales]

No. No.

This is the problem. You're always
trying to fix every little thing.

I can fix things. I just did.

I... I can't do this anymore.

- You need help.
- I was gonna propose.

I'm sorry.

I'll see you next time.

- [rock music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

[Alan grunts]

[sighs]

- [g*nshots in video game]
- Oh.

[g*nshots continues]

[sighs] Oh, God.

f*ck!

Break up or... birthday?

Birthday.

All right.

[belches]

[bottle clanking]

[video game g*nshots]

[groans]

[horn honks in distance]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[keyboard keys clacking]

[classical music playing]

[grunts]

[exhales]

[breathing heavily]

[elevator dings]

Oh, hey. I thought you were away
for the weekend.

- I broke up with my girlfriend.
- Oh, no.

Yeah, so you don't need to feed Boba Fett.

- Oh, okay.
- What was it we decided on?

Fifty for the week, right? Here's 100.

Wow. Okay.

Thanks.

This is actually really great
because honestly,

I probably would've k*lled that fish.

Ah, um, can... Can I ask you something?

Sure.

We live in the same building and we see
each other, you know, around. Um...

What's your take on me?

- I don't have one.
- No.

Really. I mean, like,
if you had to choose...

Like, if you weren't paying me,
I never would've spoken to you.

Okay. Um, thank you.
Thank you for your honesty.

- [sighs]
- [door closes]

You're sh1tting me.

You were gonna propose.

[stammering]

Ever since I've known you,
it's been Beatrice.

I mean, nobody gets through
long distance in college.

She's the wrong person for me.

Yo...

You just blew up your whole life
and you are serial-k*ller calm about it.

Do you think it's possible
to correct your life?

I find myself in this position of finally
being able to do things the right way.

You know?

Why don't you come over for dinner?

Sheree and I would love to have you.
Friday night.

Yeah.

Whenever Friday happens, I'll be there.

[elevator dings]

[woman] I was just gonna reach out.

[elevator dings]

[elevator dings]

[doors opens]

Hi, I'm here to see Dr. Zaveri.

- Hi.
- Alan, what's wrong?

What are you doing here?
Do you have a cold?

Oh, no, I just wanted
to tell you something.

Aren't you supposed to be at work?
You can't skip work.

- I'm trying to tell you...
- You can't go skipping work again.

Whatever it is you want to tell me,
it can wait until later.

I proposed to Beatrice.

Did she say yes?

Yes. Yes, she said yes.

- [laughs] Of course she did.
- [Alan laughs]

Oh!

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

- Me too.
- [both chuckle]

You just wait and see.
This is gonna change everything.

- I know. You're right.
- Mm-hmm.

[elevator dings]

[automated voice] Going up.

[stops tapping]

[elevator screeches]

[woman yelps]

[automated voice] We are experiencing
a temporary power outage.

[alarm sounds]

[woman] Get your phones! Call 911!

No, no, no, no, no!

Get down, everyone!
Everyone, lie on your backs!

Get down, get down, get down!

Hey, man. Didn't you get the news?
We're about to die.

It doesn't matter. I die all the time.

Me too.

[people screaming]

[elevator thuds]

["Piano Concerto No. 4 in G Major,
Op. 58: III. Rondo: Vivace" playing]

[Alan] f*ck.

[knock on door]

[Nadia] f*ck.

["Gotta Get Up" playing]

[water going down drain]

♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪

♪ Gotta get home
Before the morning comes ♪

♪ What if I'm late, got a big date ♪

♪ Gotta get home before the sun comes up ♪

- f*ck.
- [knocking on door]

[knocking continues]

All right, just give me a second!

♪ Gotta let the people know
I'm gonna be late ♪

♪ There was a time when we could dance
Until a quarter to ten ♪

♪ We never thought it would end then ♪

- Hey, Alan.
- There was a woman on the elevator.

Yeah, women don't like to take the stairs.

♪ We used to carry on and drink
And do the rock and roll ♪

♪ We never thought we'd get older ♪

You are loved and deserve love.

I'm in control. I'm beautiful and loved.
I deserve love. I'm in control.

I am beautiful and loved.

[horns honking in distance]

So, um...

You haven't said anything
since you got here.

You're scaring me.

Sorry. Um...

Where were we? Um...

[sighs] What's up, Bea?
You... You look nervous.

Almost as if it's occurring to you

that maybe, possibly, all these things
are gonna be harder than you thought.

Somebody told you about Mike?

Mike?

You slept with Mike?

You f*cked the gingerbread man?

- Don't call him that.
- You...

[chuckles]

You call him that.

Oh... I'm... I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, I'm gonna throw up.

Hey, you... You cheated on me

with that elitist,
condescending nightmare.

You never even met him.
You're not even interested...

Is he the one that you're always
on the phone with when I get here?

Is this... Is this why you two have been
meeting up for your dissertation

about Philip Roth or whatever?

For the millionth time,
it's Updike and the suburban imaginary.

[Alan exhales]

How could you do this to me?

It just happened.

And it kept on happening.

And it got... harder and harder
for me to tell you anything.

You're sensitive.

If I said anything that wasn't in complete
agreement or wildly encouraging...

you were gonna lose your sh*t.

Or maybe...

I don't know.

Even hurt yourself.

So, I...

That's when I realized that...

there was never gonna be a right time
for me to tell you anything.

f*ck!

[breathing heavily]

If there are two, one kills the other.

[keyboard keys clacking]

[shaky breathing]

[door opens]

- [Liana] Hi.
- Hey.

I'm Liana. Welcome to Garrett's.

Are you looking for anything special?
Mother's Day or birthday?

Look, I think we can both tell
that I'm not really a purchasing type.

Um, so I appreciate you helping me
despite having no other customers.

Well, it beats doing this crossword.

You know that condition
where you can't remember people's faces.

Facial aphasia?

Yes.

I have that, but with names.

Oh, come on. You're f*cking with me.

I mean, people really like
to f*ck with me, so just...

No, no, no, it's a real condition.

Mmm, what's that called?

It's, uh...

it's called name aphasia.

Yes, it's a very serious condition.
You can google it after I leave.

Anyway, uh, my boyfriend came in here
and he bought me an engagement ring.

Congratulations. That's wonderful.

Thank you so much. It's terrific.
It's an exciting time. Uh...

I want to make sure
that he got me the right ring.

Okay, so he's about six feet tall,
early thirties.

He's got, like, disturbingly good posture.
You know, like, he stands very erect.

Like this, but a spine.

Oh, yes. He kind of looks
like Derek Jeter,

who, like, obviously goes to the gym
all the time,

and he's incredibly buff,
but not 'cause he's vain,

he's just really compulsive, right?

Bingo. That is my weirdo.

Yeah. He came in here about 20 times.

And then he ended up picking
the most basic ring.

No offense.

No, not at all. Uh, do you know his name?

Do I know your boyfriend's name?

Yes.

Okay, listen, this is really weird.

Would it k*ll you
to go look in the back?

I think you're lying to me,
and I think it's time to go.

I'm not lying to you.
Maybe you're lying. Maybe you're a liar.

It's your boyfriend!

Yes.

What, are you accusing me
of sleeping with your boyfriend?

Listen, I'm a professional.
Do you understand?

You know what?

I think you're just in here
trying to find things out

'cause you want to sell something
that somebody gifted you.

You want to bring it
to a pawn shop or what?

- I don't know, but it's time to go.
- So you don't have the name?

- Out! Go! Now!
- No problem.

You know what? I applaud your instincts.

I see why they trust you
with all these jewels.

Mmm. A bunch of malarkey.

Bye.

[sighs]

Come on, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Alan Zaveri.

Hmm.

Looks like somebody really likes shawarma.

- Wanna talk about it?
- What?

The break up, man.

- Oh.
- Beatrice. This Mike assh*le.

Yeah. No, I mean, I...

I don't think there's anything to...
to say.

How long has this been going on for?

I don't, um...

I didn't really ask.
I didn't really ask a lot of things.

I would have asked...

so many things. I mean...

I never really liked Beatrice.

What?

Yeah, I mean, I never said anything mean
'cause she was just always... there.

You know, Sheree cheated on me once
when we first started dating.

You never told me that.

Yeah, we actually went
to couple's therapy and everything.

I don't know.
Eventually things just got better.

But I wanted to know everything:

how many times it happened,

where it happened,

who was this guy.

Was she gonna do it again?

- I don't. I can't.
- Why?

I don't do therapy.

I know you don't,
but it's worth a sh*t, okay?

And Sean helped me and Sheree
get through our problems.

I mean, having a third person there
really kind of gave us perspective.

I can... I... I can do it by myself. I can.

No one can do anything by themselves.

[buzzes repeatedly]

Oh, hey, Coco.
Uh, I'm Alan's buddy, six L.

- His buzzer's broken. Can you let me in?
- How do I know you're not a m*rder*r?

My sparkling personality?

- How many people have you m*rder*d?
- None.

That's what a m*rder*r would say.

[Nadia] Really?

Do I know you? What the f*ck is this?

Hey, man, I tried to jimmy your lock,

but I guess that sh*t
only works in movies, huh.

How did you find me?

Uh, we're neighbors.
I live around the corner on Fifth and B.

- No, no, thank you. No.
- Oh. No, I'm not selling anything, dude.

Do you think it's weird
that we live in the same neighborhood?

Do you think it means anything?

Do you think we're dead?
That we're the same person?

You know, I got a couple of theories
that I'm working on.

Us being the same person
is my current favorite.

How would that even work
that we could possibly...

Check it out, check it out.
Can you feel this?

Does it hurt? Is it hurting you?
It's hurting me.

Okay, stop. Just...

Hey, look, pal.
I'm not so sweet on you either, okay?

But right now
you're the only lead I've got.

- Lead?
- Yeah, you know, uh, clue.

To get out of this,
whatever this is, this situation.

There is no way out of this situation.

And, personally, I liked it.
I had control. I... I knew what was coming.

And then you showed up
and led me down this weird path,

like a carcinogenic Siren.

- You're welcome.
- No, I'm not thanking you.

You showed up and everything has gone off.

I... I learned something
I really didn't want to know.

Beatrice, my girlfriend for nine years,
has been cheating on me.

[Nadia] Whoa. That's very heavy.

If you'd like to meet up again, I will be
at my birthday party yesterday night.

- You're restarting on your birthday?
- Ah, yes. Yes, I am.

The party's at the old yeshiva on Tenth
and A, all right? You can't miss it.

And I can tell that you're really bent out
of shape about this Beatrice character,

but, you know, we literally just met,
so, like, none of this is on me.

[Nadia sighs]

From what I gather,
we are in this together.

["Symphony No. 2 in D, Op. 36-4.
Allegro Molto" playing]

[inhales] Or...

if you think about Faulkner's influence
on William Styron...

Styron's protagonist...

and living with the legacy
of sl*ve-holding territories...

it lays...

very nicely
on top of the counter narrative...

of German concentration camp survivors.

So we have a hero...

right, who's... who's haunted by,

but maybe romantically

- compelled by the horrors...
- [door opens]

Excuse me, this is a private office.

[indistinct yelling]

[Mike] f*ck you!

[grunting]

Jesus Christ!

- [man] Hey, hey, what's going on?
- [Mike] Hey, man, get off of me!

- [man] You need to walk away.
- [Alan] No!

- You need to go, sir.
- f*cking Christ.

- You're an assh*le.
- Who are you?

I'm Beatrice's boyfriend.

[exhales] Ah.

- [Alan] Yeah?
- You're, uh... You're Alan.

- Yeah.
- You know this man?

[Mike] It's...

We're fine. You can go.

No, no, no, you don't know me.

Listen, Alan. We can talk about this.

[screaming]

- That's enough, all right? That's enough!
- Okay, I'm going!

Alan... she's unhappy, man.

I'm just her excuse to leave.

Go to hell.

[panting]

- How's my face?
- It's fine.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Good.

'Cause the mirror's gone, so I...
I can't tell.

["Irhe" playing]

[electricity crackles]

[electrical current hums]

Twelve.

[water going down drain]

["Piano Concerto No. 4 in G Major,
Op. 58: III. Rondo: Vivace" playing]

[sighs]

It's gone.

[chuckles]