01x05 - Superiority Complex

[bunniefuu]

[dance music playing in the distance]

["Front" by Vex Ruffin playing]

You think he's gonna propose?
Ugh, what a bummer.

Okay, yeah. I'll talk to you later.

[Nadia] Hey.

Welcome to yesterday.

I'm so glad you made it.
And look at that, great posture.

- [Alan] Thank you.
- Yeah.

Not a lot of people at this party
can say that.

- Come on, I'll show you around.
- It's a cool place.

♪ I've got the strength
But you feel it, oh ♪





Why do you think this is happening to us?

I'm... I'm pretty sure
that it's purgatorial punishment

for being a bad person.

What is this bad person?

I mean, you know, there's h*tler
and then there's, uh, everybody else.

Even Wile E. Coyote.

Yeah, he's out there.
He's looking for a hot meal.

- Are you having a stroke?
- No. Uh...

That guy that Beatrice
cheated on me with, he's here.

- Don't look.
- [Nadia] Just take it easy, all right?

Point him out later,
and I'll bust his f*cking knee caps, okay?

But for now, you and me got bigger fish
to fry. Life and death stuff, huh.

- [Alan] Geez.
- [Nadia] Eh.

[Alan] What is that?





My new theory is that it's
an incredibly dense gravitational field

that's gaining consciousness
and is now deliberately f*cking with us.

Kind of the black hole meets
They sh**t Horses, Don't They?

Yeah, my bathroom
doesn't have a black hole, so...

This isn't gonna be very fun
if you keep rejecting my theories.

You rejected mine.

Yeah, because it was
morally simplistic and narcissistic.

I mean, the universe is moral,
but it shares your views on morality.

We'll try your way.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, great.

- What were you doing in there?
- Who is this guy?

Uh, have I ever done anything, you know,
memorably bad to either of you?

Yeah, you said I shouldn't adopt
those two Neapolitan mastiff puppies

'cause I have a small space,

but they needed a home
and I could've made some changes.

Okay. Do you want to get in on this?

Oh, no, no. I love that you're a c**t.
It makes me feel morally superior.

Okay, that's a good way
to not judge people.

Is there anything else?

- Yeah.
- Who?

- Gina.
- Okay.

When you said Gina wasn't really my type,
I really took that to heart.

I mean, if it weren't for you,
I'd be married. I'd be living upstate.

I'd be raising two mastiffs.
I'd have a completely different life.

- Shall we open it up to the group?
- Yeah, that's a great idea.

Okay, okay. No problem.

Ding dong.

[Nadia] Gather 'round, gather 'round.

Great to see you and you and also you.
Okay, so hi.

Me from the party.

I just want to say...

thank you all so much
for coming to celebrate tonight.

What good people. Uh...

It means a lot to me,

and something else
that also means a lot to me

would be if you would tell me
if you think I'm a bad person,

or maybe I've committed
some serious misdeeds,

and you could come
and talk to me about that tonight

would be super f*cking hot. Okay?

For my birthday,
tell me if I'm a bad person.

Okay, cool.

- Uh, thank you so much, Nadia.
- Thank you.

I would like to dedicate this night
to Chong, my uncle,

who also had a hard time saying thank you.

- [glass clink]
- [cheering]

[Maxine] To Chong.

- Love you, Chung.
- Chong.

- Chong.
- Chong. Chong.

This is why she's acting like this.

Okay, check it out.

I gave everybody here an opportunity
to tell me I'm a bad person.

Nobody did it because I f*cking rule,
so... there goes your theory.

- [John] Hey.
- [Nadia] Hey.

It's been a while.

Yeah, I guess for you it has, huh?

[John] You look... You look real fantastic.

Well, I wear the same thing all the time.

Hey, man.

- Hey.
- I'm John.

Oh, this is Alan.

He's basically a child that the universe
has tasked me with babysitting.

- Would you say that's a fair assessment?
- Sure.

Uh...

Speaking of kids, how's Lucy?

She's doing great.
She just won the Gwendolyn Brooks prize

for her poem on the Statue of Liberty.

That is great. Lucy is great.

John and I were a thing for a year.

How do you know she's great?
You never met her.

I mean, you were supposed to meet her,
but you backed out.

She backed out, new guy.

I had every intention
of meeting her, all right?

I just, uh... overslept.

I even had a book I was gonna give her.
Emily of New Moon.

I love that book.

Why'd you even bring her up though?

You're supposed to ask people
about their kids. Okay?

It's polite. It gives everybody a moment
to pretend there's gonna be a future.

- I'm gonna get a seltzer.
- Okay.

Oh, hey, they have alcohol
over there too, so...

No, no, no, no, no. That's his deal.

He's like sober, white-knuckling it
so he doesn't drink.

That's why he's such an assh*le.

Oh, I thought it was
because you were pissing him off.

Alan, sexualizing self-hatred
is the hallmark of any relationship

that begins with extra-marital infidelity.

You skipped out on meeting his daughter
and you broke up his marriage?

With the amount of guilt,
I'm surprised you're not a Jew.

Thanks, man.

[sniffs]

- What?
- Let's do it.

Let's meet Lucy.

I wanted you to meet her
when we were together.

Please?

[John] Okay.

I have breakfast with her
every Monday and Friday.

Tomorrow morning then.

Thank you.

[Maxine] I think there's
a lot of merit in copying.

I'm interested
in plagiarism as an art form.

But haven't you wondered why visual art

no longer carries
the weight it did 30 years ago?

- I've literally never wondered that.
- The internet.

AIDS.

The AIDS crisis, it wiped out nearly every
meaningful critical voice in every medium.

So now, the artist's intention
is buried in a sea of likes and thumbs up.

But if the intention's still there...

If it's clear, it doesn't matter
what the critic thinks.

What are you, a collector?

I don't really understand art.

My dad used to say that I don't have
a single creative bone in my body.

So we're talking about your dad now.

I'm really into dads.

- I'm a dad.
- [Maxine] Ah.

- You want a refill?
- Yes, Dad.

You keep that, I'll get another one.

I'm not really good at this stuff.

You seem to be
so comfortable with yourself.

Bringing up AIDS at a party.

- I'd never have the balls to do that.
- [liquid pours]

Is that what she likes about you?

I'll tell you what.

If you would politely excuse yourself...

I might be able to find out.

Thank you.

["Diamond Veins" playing]

[Nadia] Pancake breakfasts...

private cars...

You know, all my mother gave me
was a subway token and an eating disorder.

You're a good dad.

She's gonna be great.

But, you know, it's a tricky age.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I was right about that age
when life stopped making sense.

Hey, all I wanted to do was be left alone,
hole up with books all day.

Man, you know what?

I still got Emily of New Moon
at Ruth's house.

I think I should just go grab it
and give it to her. Ah?

It's late. How about we give it to her
another time?

Come on, man. I'd like to do it tonight.

[classical music playing]

She's just f*cking everybody,
and I'm watching like an idiot.

[glass shatters]

- [cell phone thuds]
- [John groans]

[Nadia] Sorry.

What time is it?

[Nadia] Uh, 6:00 a.m.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm gonna go to Ruth's
and get that book for Lucy, okay?

- I'll see you at breakfast.
- Okay, babe.

[John groans]

You okay?

My bones hurt every morning.

You should get checked for Lyme disease.

[Ruth coughs]

[Ruth] Damn it.

[coughing]

God.

[Ruth sighs]

[flies buzzing]

- [Nadia] Hey, did you find it?
- [Ruth] Yes.

Way in the back of the armoire.

[Nadia] Ooh.

Ah, thank you.

[Ruth] Okay.

You know I keep all your stuff.

I even have the Valentine's Day card
you made me in fourth grade.

I mean, your mother
was a little unstable around that time,

and oh, I told her, I told her,

I'm not trying to replace anyone.

I'm just trying to be here

for a little girl
who could use a little help.

[exhales] It was the decent thing to do.

Sure.

Oh, oh, oh.
Did you lock the door behind you?

[Nadia] Yes, I did.

Hey, Ruth, if you were gonna die today,

would you be ready for it?

Like would you feel at peace
with your life?

Yes and no.

So, how do you get to just yes?

[Ruth] You don't.

See, holding two incompatible ideas
in your head at the same time

and accepting both of them...

that's the best of being human.

Yes, no, good, bad, life, death.

Wax on, wax off.

Tomato, tomato.

- Potato, two potatoes.
- Okay.

- All night, all day.
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Okay, okay.
- Right?

- Okay, okay.
- Come on.

Look. Right now,

I'm looking at you as you are today

while also looking at you
as that peculiar little girl I knew.

[Ruth inhales]

[Ruth sighs]

[deep voice] Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh! There it is.

Well...

I may not be a mom,

but, hey, damn, I got this.

- [Nadia] Mm-hmm.
- [Ruth] Uh-huh.

Look, she's smoking, like you. Get it?

And St. Valentine was a big smoker.
Everybody knows that.

Oh, yeah.

f*cking bingo.

It's here.

You know, that was written by the same
woman that wrote Anne of Green Gables.

[Nadia] Yeah, of course.

Everybody loves Anne,

but I like Emily.

She's dark.

- You lock the door behind you?
- Yes.

You already asked me that, Ruthie.

Oh, I know. My memory's slipping.

There's... There's somebody
in the neighborhood.

I am making you tea.

But, personally,
I wouldn't touch the stuff.

[Nadia] "She despised Rhoda...

more than ever
for trying to get back with her."

You know, Rhoda was the c**t
in this story, obviously.

Here we are.

[knock at door]

[sighs]

f*cking God damn it, man.

[sighs]

[knocking on door]

[knocking continues rapidly]

[sighs]

[dance music playing]

- Gas expl*si*n.
- [Alan] Bike accident.

Listen, I know you think
I'm a moral narcissist,

but there are good guys and bad guys.

And I am definitely a good guy.

And that piece of sh*t, he...

he is a bad guy.

Okay, so then why are you
the one in purgatory?

Hey, happy birthday.

John.

Quelle surprise.

So, listen. Uh, remember
when I stood up Lucy

and you've been secretly
resenting me ever since?

Let's take her to breakfast
tomorrow morning,

make everything kosher copacetic, okay?

We can go to my place.

Let's take the fire escape.

It'll be fun.

[gasps] What's that?

- Come on.
- Whoa.

[Mike] You gotta stop getting
so worked up over him.

You've spent enough time
on this guy already.

I know it's a bummer, but come on.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it is a bummer.

It is a bummer for everybody involved,

except, it seems, to be for you,

which, you know, doesn't make any sense,

because if anybody deserves to be punished

for the rest of their f*cking life,
it is you.

You are f*cking garbage,

and someone needs to bag you up,

take you outside,
throw you into the East River,

and put everyone
who can smell your f*cking stench

out of their g*dd*mn misery!

God!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey!

- Yeah!
- Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

I don't know who the f*ck you are,
I don't know what's going on here,

but either you two suck each other's dicks
or get out of my apartment.

Okay? Come on.

I'm not sucking anybody's d*ck.

Bea, he's a sex addict.

- [Beatrice] Who?
- Michael. Mike. Your Mike. Your Michael.

Alan, you're so f*cking drunk right now.
I'm not gonna do this with you.

- I am not, okay?
- [Alan] Bea, he's a sex addict.

Don't bother calling me back,
'cause you're not gonna be sober.

- You need help.
- Please, Bea.

- [honking]
- [tires screech]

- [crash]
- [water running]

[water running]

- Gas expl*si*n again.
- Again?

I get hit by a car.

[Nadia] Oh, classic.

Hey, wait a second.

Are you telling me
that you're never dying on the stairs?

No.

Are you some kind
of a f*cking superhero or just a...

Do you think that we're dying
at the same time?

Hey, happy birthday.

Give me one second.

[snoring]

[horns honking in the distance]

- Up with Susan?
- Yeah, 'cause she was like doing that.

- What?
- She was choking her during sex.

Oh!

Yeah, she's a choker and sh*t.

Yeah.

It's kind of hot.

I mean, it is kind of hot,
but then the stalking started.

- That's not hot.
- Yeah.

This guy's been following us
for like five blocks.

What the hell are you even...

Back the f*ck up, m*therf*cker!

I said back the f*ck up, m*therf*cker!
Back the f*ck up, m*therf*cker! Back up!

Let's go! Let's go!

[keys jangling]

Three-one-one, you guys rock.

Listen, uh, I'd like to report a gas leak.

Yeah.

Yes, it is urgent.

Uh-huh.

You know, it's a big-time
f*cking emergency, actually.

[g*nsh*t]

[shaky breathing]

[Ruth] Nadia!

Oh, God. Look at me. Look at...

Oh! Nadia, no! Honey, please!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I thought it was a burglar.

They've been saying
there's somebody in the neighborhood.

[speaking indistinctly]

[knock at door]

[Nadia] f*ck.

Oh, f*ck.

[exhales]

[exhales] f*ck.

[exhales]

[dance music playing]

[Mike chuckles]

[Mike] You think he's gonna propose?

That's a bummer.

Yeah.

That's right.

Hi. I'm Alan.

- Yeah, I'm on the phone.
- Yeah, with my girlfriend.

Beatrice.

Bea, uh...
I'm gonna... I'm gonna call you back.

- Listen.
- Why you?

Why me what?

Bea.

She chose you, and you don't love her.
You're not faithful.

You never get punished.

So why you?

She didn't choose me, Alan.

The only choice she made was not you.

Nobody chooses me.

I'm the hole where a choice should be.

Oh, God. Alan.

I had a mace-induced asthma att*ck. You?

What if they keep going?

- Who? Who keeps going?
- Them.

I mean, everyone who's not us.

All right, I thought
that what was happening to us

wasn't hurting anybody else, but...

[chuckles]
...I mean, they're all in it, too.

What?

Fifteen times, Ruth has grieved for me.

In 15 universes, she's alone.

Wait. It's 15 for you, too? Did you count?

I know how to count, Alan.

Hey, happy birthday.

Hey. Okay, listen to me.

We are leaving,
and I am not going to get the book.

I'm going to tell your daughter
about Emily of New Moon.

- Understand?
- Yeah.

- Can you help me with this?
- Sure.

Sorry, I gotta make a call.

[woman laughs]

- What the f*ck?
- Oh, my God.

You want me to feel guilty?

Well, I don't.

I am not Beatrice's boyfriend.
That was your job.

Look, I know it's not up to me
to punish you.

But I don't have to make this
easy for you.

Who is Beatrice?
You know what? I don't care.

Listen, I have an early flight
to Sweden in the morning,

so you need to get out
so I can get it in.

Whatever.

If it wasn't you,
it would be some other woman.

Do I look like I care?

- I... I wasn't trying to insult you, ma'am.
- f*ck you.

[sighs]

She told me all about you, you know?

That you have mental problems,
that you're sick and you won't get help,

and she couldn't break up with you

because she was afraid
you would do something.

She calls you the gingerbread man.

She can call me whatever she wants.

[sighs]

I'll be right back, okay?

[John] There she is.

[Nadia] John, man.

This kid just gave me the finger.

[John laughs]

She's perfect.

Luce, say hi.

Say hi, baby. Say hi.

Pancake time.

Okay, John.

- Be careful.
- With what?

What's wrong?

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

- Do what?
- I can't meet her.

I could die in front of her, John.

- Die?
- Yes.

- What are you gonna die from?
- I don't know. The grate.

A car could run me over.
I mean, best case scenario, I...

[sighs]...disappear.

Don't do this.
Okay, please, I'm begging you.

Don't do this to her.

I can't have people
coming in and out of her life like this.

Exactly, all right? I'm not rejecting her.
I'm protecting her.

[John] Don't do this to her, please. Okay?
Don't do it to me.

I'm begging you. I love you.
Please don't do this.

Just come and say hi. Just say hi.

I wish I could. I really do.

I wish I could, okay?

Sorry. I'm sorry about everything.

All right? I got to go. I got to go.

[Maxine] Is cyanide sweet, though?

Is that why Jim Jones
put it in the Kool-Aid?

So the kids can't taste it?

[Lizzy] Jonestown was bonkers.

[Lizzy and Maxine speaking indistinctly]

- [Lizzy] Right?
- [Maxine] Yeah.

[Lizzy] But it's huge. I don't know.

[Maxine] Wait, nothing we do
will be as devastating as that.

- [Lizzy] Mm-hmm.
- [Maxine] Maybe...

I should start a religion.

- [buzzing repeatedly]
- Come on, man.

Please don't be f*cking dead.

f*ck.

Yay. Uh...

I'd like to report a gas leak...
every f*cking day, please.

Every day I'd like to report a gas leak.

Sorry for cursing. It's Ruth Brenner.

B.R.E.N.N.E.R, 311 East 12th.

Thank you.

Hey.

- Did you die?
- Did you die?

No.

- I think we're dying at the same time.
- [object clatters]

♪ All I need is some sunshine ♪

♪ All I need ♪

♪ All I need is some sunshine ♪

♪ All I need ♪

♪ The siren call beyond the treeline ♪

♪ With another one ♪