01x06 - Reflection

[bunniefuu]

Look, man, I got to be honest with you.

If I was inventing hell,
it would look a lot like this.

Hell...

Really? I think it's clean.

No, not this place.
This, this whole situation.

It's not that bad.

I mean, our lives depend
on each other for, like, eternity?

That's my own worst personal nightmare.

Alan. Alan.

Come on.

No, man, it's... it's not you.

It's... [sighs]

I don't want to be attached to anyone.

I want to just at least maintain
the illusion of free will, you know?

Aah! f*ck! f*ck!

[sighs] See, I didn't feel that.

[groans]

I'm sorry, man.

I just had to be definitively sure that,
you know, we're not the same person.

- I just wanted to rule it out.
- Well, we aren't.

- Okay.
- I think you've already tried that.

Right, right. You're right.

Well, if it's not that,
then what else could it be?

[Alan sighs]

[Alan] Three sisters.

No sisters. No siblings at all.

- Are your parents alive?
- Yeah, you?

What happened, irritable bowels?

Oh, wow.

You starting a cleaning supply company?

Well, you...

you got some ash on the table.

Man, take a chill pill, okay?
It'll reset when we die.

Hey, hey, could you not
touch my stuff, please?

- I have it organized...
- Uh-uh. f*cking A.

...in a very specific way.

Man, you play this?

No, not since it came out.
It is the worst.

You know, this is one of the first games
I helped design.

Well, that's something we have in common.
You designed it. I played it.

Yeah, you and every other dude
between the ages of 18 and 35.

- Why do you think this sucks?
- It is impossible.

I spent six months trying
to get out of the snake room

before I realized whoever designed this
probably didn't bother to play it.

- Let me tell you something. You? You?
- Yeah?

You don't think I played my own game?

Uh... I'd bet my life on it.

Well, that does not mean much
given our present circumstances.

You created an impossible game
with a single character

who has to solve everything
entirely on her own.

That's stupid.

Watch and learn, baby face.

[video game chimes]

[Nadia] Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

There you go.

You little bitch.

I say...

the trick is
you got to find a labyrinth keeper.

You know, she's based on Tatum O'Neal
in Paper Moon, but with my hairdo.

They call that an Easter egg.

Be careful.

[character screams]

[Nadia] Mea culpa, this sh*t
is f*cking harder than I remember.

Do you mind smoking outside?

Look, if I smoke outside,
then I could die.

And if I die, you die.
So basically, you're welcome, all right?

Don't be so f*cking uptight, man.

- Hey, how did you die?
- [Alan] Oh.

Um... [sighs]

- Crushed in rush hour traffic.
- Uh-huh.

Slipped in the shower.
Uh, bathtub electrocution.

Um...

Open manhole.

Right, but, you know, the first time?
How did you die that first time?

I don't know. I can't remember.

What do you mean you can't remember?
I remember my first time.

I was hit by a car.

Honestly, all I remember
is suddenly being in my bathroom

and then just reliving the same day.

You don't remember your first death?

Mm-mm.

[video game character screams]

[Nadia scoffs]

Look, your first death could be
what started this whole thing.

Why?

I mean, maybe it's not, but...

honestly, it's the only unknown factor
that we have.

Johari window.

You know, it's a known unknown.

We got to trigger your memory.

W... Wait, how?

You see, lucky for you,
I know a professional.

Darling, that is not how I work.

I see patients regularly for years
before even trying EMDR.

Right, right. Uh... hypnosis.

Or, um... I don't know, ayahuasca?

[Ruth] Listen to me.

I'm a therapist, not a shaman.

Would either one of you like some tea?

[Nadia] No, no, no tea.

Ruth, you have a gas leak.

Okay? I will call it in
while you're in session.

- Please don't roll your eyes at me.
- No. No. No, no, no.

I... No.

I don't need to go to see a therapist.
No offense to you, but I...

People thinking that I'm crazy
is one of my biggest fears.

- That's fine.
- No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

We do not use the word "crazy"
in this house.

Look, has Nadia ever told you
about her mother?

Ah, here it comes.

Nadia's mother was a brilliant woman,

- just like Nadia.
- Eye roll.

But she would get fixated
on little things, and...

She'd read somewhere that purple is
the color of the seventh chakra healing,

so naturally, she wore nothing but purple
for an entire year.

And, oh... the mirrors.

Don't get me started on the mirrors.

One day, she shattered them.

And when I came to take Nadia to school,
well, the mirrors were gone

and there was glass everywhere.

I think
there were some shards in your hair.

And that's a wrap.

- It wasn't that bad.
- It was that bad.

- I was there.
- So was I.

Why... Why mirrors?

Reflection.

Proof of existence.

Another pair of eyes.

See, that's why therapists are important.

Without them, we are very unreliable
narrators of our own stories.

Okay.

Okay, I... I... I will...
I'll give it a try, just this once.

Okay, I was wrong. I accept it,
but we got to figure out how you d*ed.

I told you that wouldn't work,
and therapy is one of my biggest fears.

It's like if you said
that you were afraid of spiders

and then I was like,
"Here's a bunch of spiders."

Ruth isn't a spider. She's got more
of a praying mantis vibe,

which, as somebody
who's always been allergic to bees,

I find highly comforting.

That's weird. I'm allergic to bees, too.

Seriously? Oh, so I guess we run
into a bunch of f*cking honeybees now.

[screaming indistinctly]

[buzzing]

[knock on door]

[knocking on door]

[opens door]

Okay, new plan. Hear me out.

What if I go through your night with you?

We recreate what you did that first time.
Maybe I see something that you didn't.

Look, you don't understand.

You get to relive
your fancy birthday party with...

awesome people that you don't even like.

And I have to relive
the worst night of my life.

I don't want you to see it.

Alan, I have seen some sh*t.

Okay? Whatever happened that night...

you're not gonna surprise me, I promise.

[Alan sighs]

- Come on.
- [Alan sighs]

All right, what did you do first?

The first time I lived this cycle,

I didn't know she was on the phone
before I went in, so... so, um...

we should wait until she's done.

[Beatrice] I just hope
he is not planning to propose.

I was planning on proposing
on the original night.

I... I didn't hear any of this.

[Beatrice] I spent months trying to get
through to him, but he doesn't seem...

She's talking to that guy named Mike.

The one she cheated on me with? The one
who was at your party? The douchebag?

- A pseudo-intellectual white guy?
- [Beatrice] I have to tell him tonight.

- That's Maxine's friend.
- [Beatrice] Okay, bye.

[Alan sighs]

[Nadia] Huh.

Huh. So this is the famous Beatrice.

Alan. Who's this?

Ah. Uh...

I'm... We just ran into each other
on the street.

I gotta take a leak. Is that okay?

- Sure.
- [Nadia] Thank you. Tiny bladder.

[door closes]

Oh. Uh, real quick.
Do you have any cottage cheese?

Who eats cottage cheese?

Look, it's how I maintain my figure,
all right?

- The bathroom's over there.
- Thank you.

Who the hell is that?

It's a long story.

- She's helping me out with something.
- [Beatrice] I thought we were going away.

You and I both know that's not
gonna happen, so let's get this over with.

Look, I know
we're supposed to leave tonight,

but I've just been thinking a lot
about our relationship.

We've been together
since we were kids and...

basically, you're like my best friend.

But if I'm honest with myself...
this isn't what I want.

I want more for my life.

I want to make mistakes.
I want to get my degree.

There's so much I want to do, and you
just want to stay exactly the same.

I love you, but...

[sighs]

...I've been taking care of this, us, you,
for the last nine years, and...

I just can't help but realize
that I've been worrying about you...

and managing us,
and it's just becoming a job.

And I already have a full-time job.

Oh, you have a job?

Yeah.

I'm working on my PhD in literature.

Wow, that is totally useless.

I'm so sorry. I actually...
I just came over

because I wanted to tell you that
these gluten-free crackers are dynamite.

Who do you think you are?

I think I get the picture.
So you think you can do better.

It's interesting, 'cause I actually think
that Alan over here

is way out of your league.

No one asked you, okay?

Where... Where'd you get this art from?

Is it, like, all from Urban Outfitters
or just a couple of the pieces?

[Alan chuckles]

Who is this woman?

Are we done here?

[Alan chuckles]

[Nadia] All right, great, man. Come on.

[Nadia] Yeah. Yeah.

All right, keep the crackers.

This guy right here

can maintain erections
like few men I've known, all right?

And you're gonna miss out on all that,
so meditate on that.

[crunches]

[door closes]

Stupid.

- [door opens]
- [Alan] Oh.

I know she's not gonna remember
any of that, but that was so great.

It was great. You were amazing. Thank you.

You know what?
I really was f*cking amazing.

I gotta tell you, man.
I never stick my neck out for anybody,

but I feel like f*cking Rocky right now.

Hey, 'cause the thing is
it's so great every time.

This little bitch f*cked you,

and this time, you went in there
and f*cked her.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

All right, so, what happened next?

[Alan] Oh.

[dance music playing]

[sighs]

So, is this about as drunk as you were?

I was way more drunk.
I don't even remember how drunk I was.

Oh, I get it.

Uh, hey, bartendress.

- Hello. Uh, more drunk, please.
- [woman] Here you go.

- Yes, thanks. Great.
- Yeah.

I knew she was unhappy.

I don't know why I thought proposing
would be a good idea.

Sometimes Hail Marys
are the best Marys we've got.

You ever been married, engaged?

You know, I've thought about it,
I've thought about it,

but then I realize
that's just a base instinct

mostly for suckers
and, you know, mediocres.

And so, I move on. I get over it.
I mean, I don't really think it's for me.

I think I'm meant to be alone.

Not many people could go through
what we are going through.

Mm-mm.

That's pretty.

Oh, this. This was my mother's.

It's a krugerrand. You know what that is?

May... No. No, I definitely don't.

It's a South African gold bullion.

It goes for about $1,500 an ounce.

Whoa. Cool.

I told you my grandparents
are Holocaust survivors, right?

No, we basically just met.

I'm sorry about...

It's not on you.

Anyway, after the w*r, you know,

most survivors were a little bit paranoid
about putting their money in banks,

so my grandparents acquired
150 of these babies,

and then my mother,
'cause she's a f*cking piece of work,

she spent them all except for this one.

How much is 150...

You know,
the price of gold fluctuates, but, uh...

if I had to guess,

$152,780.86.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

I know this, because why?
Because it was my f*cking college fund.

But hey, I got
a pretty necklace, right? So...

- Your mom, she... she sounds...
- [Nadia] Great.

Uh, so, what happened after this?

Um... [exhales]

Um, I'm trying... It's hazy. Um...

You know what, man? Don't work too hard.
I mean, it's only eternity.

Hey.

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

Why... Why am I the only one
who's being interrogated?

You're involved in this sh*t too,
so it's whatever.

Midnight? Where were you at this time?

I was taking care of business.

[Nadia clears her throat]

Look, you promise
you're not gonna flip out?

Yeah.

I was f*cking Mike from the party.

[Nadia groans]

Beatrice Mike?

[Nadia] Yeah. What are the odds, right?

I mean, like, she's cheating on you,
he's cheating on her.

Ipso facto,
it's like we all f*cked Beatrice.

I mean, you the most, of course,

but, you know, in a kind of fun
g*ng-bang way, it's like a mash-em-up.

- You f*cked Mike from the party?
- Oh, here we go.

Okay.

You... You know what?

You know what?
This is not about my first death.

This is probably because
you were f*cking that Irish...

that Irish f*cking gingerbread
fisherman-looking m*therf*cker.

All right, man.

First of all, I mean,
this guy's hands are so f*cking soft,

there's no way he's done
a day's worth of hard labor in his life,

let alone that, you know,
hardcore fishing.

And second of all, the sex was,
I want to say, mediocre at best.

Like medium, you know?
And there's no way that it set off

a whole world-bending multiverse

wonderland f*cking splitting-level sh*t,
all right?

[Alan groans]

Let's slow down.
Bukowski's not your greatest look.

I can f*ck you better than Mike.

Wow. It looks like someone just threw
a gauntlet right into my puss-puss.

Let's have at it.

- [Nadia] That's right.
- You want to see how a gingerman fucks?

- f*ck yes, I do.
- [Alan] Uh-huh.

[both moan]

Call me Beatrice.

Beatrice.

Hey, I'm cheating on you.

All right, but you're gonna
f*ck me anyway.

Then you're gonna marry me.

I'd f*ck anything, huh.

I'd f*ck f*cking...

pizza.

- Where'd you go?
- Pizza and all.

- Come on, role play. Don't pass out.
- I'm Mike. Yeah, I'm Mike.

I'm fat Mike. I'm gonna f*ck it right.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, you... You wanna...
You wanna just...

- You wanna just f*ck right now?
- Yes.

[Alan grunts]

Yeah.

[Alan growls]

f*cking rats.

Hey. Hey, Horse.

Hey, man.

Uh...

Uh, Nadia. Yeah.

It's me. I'm your friend.
You gave me a haircut.

I don't know you.

All right, be cool, man.
Look, look, look, what size are you?

What do you mean?

Come with me.

All right.

Where the f*ck are we going?

I got plants.

I prefer casual acquaintances
over closer relations

and strangers above everybody else,
'cause humanity's a f*ck, man.

I had this business partner once
in the '90s

when we were creating the dark web.

And he got arrested because it was a scam
and our government is a scam.

And once I saw it was all just bullshit,
I just dropped out completely.

How do you know that you're real?

Huh?

Do you think that we need people
to be, like, witnesses?

I'm here.

That's where you know.

I'm glad I lost everything.

Technology, cryptocurrencies...

It's all bullshit, man.

You don't need any of that stuff.

The more stuff you accumulate...

the more space you take up.

You know, people can't even pick me
out of a line up 'cause...

they don't remember me.

I'm a shadow, man.

I think I'm a shadow now, too.

Is that real gold?

Why?

It's too heavy.

Next time, get a plastic bag.

[keyboard keys clacking]

- Hey.
- Hi

How's the, uh, novel coming?

Ugh, I... I can't do dialogue. It makes me
feel like I don't know how people talk.

I think it's one of those things
like swallowing.

Like, if you think about it,
you can't do it anymore.

Like now I'm thinking about it
and I can't swallow.

- [Ferran] Huh.
- [objects clatter]

You know Alan. He was here that night.

- What night?
- Alan Zaveri, how do you know him?

[Ferran] We're good friends.

We worked at a cannery together in Alaska.

Wait, what?

Nah, I'm just kidding. We actually pledged
Alpha Delta in college.

That cannery thing though,
it's pretty good. I put in my novel.

[sighs]

As for my friend, keep the change.

- Thanks, Ferran.
- [Ferran] Yeah, have a good night.

[doorbell chimes]

Hey, Alan. Guess what, man?

[door closes]

We saw each other
on the night of our first loop.

Where were you?

I did not realize
that Howard Hughes was gonna show up.

You went through my stuff?

I didn't know where you were
and I couldn't find my shoes.

I started to look for them and then...
I just got away with myself.

- So then you went through my stuff?
- I cleaned.

Cleaned?

I... I found those under your bed.

Did it occur to you
that these were under my f*cking bed...

because I wanted them
under my f*cking bed?

Well, it will all reset like you said.

It will all just go back
to the way you had it.

f*ck you for going through my sh*t.
f*ck you for touching these.

f*ck you for being a f*ck face.
Get the f*ck out.

Nadia, I'm sorry. We... we need each other.
I need you. You need me.

Did I stutter?

Uh...

- I don't have any shoes, Nadia.
- Oh, my God, get the f*ck out!

- I'm sorry.
- Just get out of my f*cking house, dude!

[video game sounds]

[character screams]

God!

[classical music playing]

[sighs]

Looking at these old pictures
of me and Mom...

it just f*cked me up, Ruth.

Remember when she was trying
to get the Betty Boop trademark,

she had the licensing company.

There was all these Betty Boop towels,
Betty Boop clocks, Betty Boop watches.

- What the f*ck was that?
- Darling, you have to forgive her.

Look, don't you want
to move on with your life?

You know what, Ruth? Seriously...

[mumbles indistinctly]

Humanity... a little bit overrated, no?

We need other people.

Other people are garbage.

[Ruth sighs]

- Then forgive them.
- Oh, God.

That's what I do with you.

Just... try it sometime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chag sameach.

You have a gas leak.

[Nadia] f*cking no meat on these.

[jazz music playing]

[choking]

Throat.

Throat.

[choking]

[gasping for breath]

[gasps]

- [knock on door]
- [water running]

[knocking on door]

[knocking continues]

- Sweet birthday baby, having fun?
- Where'd it go?

- Where'd what go?
- The mirror in the bathroom.

What mirror? There's never been
a mirror in that bathroom.

It's a statement
on narcissism and waste...

and the beauty industrial complex.

[rings repeatedly]

[Nadia] Alan!

Alan, come on. Buzz me in!

["You Know What I Mean" playing]

Come on, man.

[door buzzes open]

♪ I ♪

♪ I can't take things slowly... ♪

- Hey, there are no mirrors, Alan.
- No mirrors, I know.

I know. Me too.

What is happening, man?
Why are they disappearing?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Look. I am sorry that I yelled at you
for just trying to be a nice person, okay?

I... I... I just...
I do not want to do this alone.

I'm sorry, too.

I... I need to tell you something. I... I...

I remembered.

- Alan, it's okay. You know...
- No.

No, listen to me.
I remembered my first death.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

I threw myself off the top of a building.

I k*lled myself.

♪ Please come and save me ♪

♪ Tell me what's wrong with my brain ♪

♪ 'Cause I seem to have lost it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am afraid of the light ♪

♪ Yeah, you know what I mean ♪

♪ And I can't sleep alone at night ♪

♪ Yeah, you know what I mean ♪

♪ 'Cause I am afraid of the light ♪

♪ Yeah, you know what I mean ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't sleep alone at night ♪

♪ Yeah, you know what I mean ♪