02x02 - Coney Island Baby

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[grunts softly]

Where is my money?

Grandma?

Yeah, uh...

Let me just start by saying
I am as mad about this as you are.

I knew it. You stole from me.
My own daughter.

No, um, not me.

I mean, well, yes, me,

but, uh, I'm not even me right now,

and it wasn't even technically me, Nora.

It was actually...
it was this guy, Chez, uh,

Chez Carrera.

Uh, and let me just say, this guy
is really on my shitlist too, Grandma.

[speaking Hungarian]

[in English] Oh f*ck.

A little early in the morning
for Hungarian, huh?

Hmm? [continues speaking Hungarian]

[in English] All right, let me guess.

This is about how we were, um, Hungarians,

uh, big sh*ts, intellectuals, uh,

then the Nazis came, stole everything,

put it on a gold train.

I know, I've heard it
a million times before.

Hey, I guess we're just cutting out
the middle mom now, right?

[speaking Hungarian]

[in English] This and this.

[continues in Hungarian]

[in English] This junk.

You do nothing but take and take.

Those coins
were the only security we had...

For when h*tler comes back.

I know. I know.

Regimes change,

currencies become obsolete,

only gold remains, yeah.

We Vulvokovs exist in the sweet spot

where paranoia meets hyperinflation.

[sniffles, sighs]

I've upset you.

Uh, hmm.

[inhales]

All right. Uh...

Hey, what's Hungarian
for, uh, "In the end, it's just money,

we'll get through this together..."

Oh!

"...and the, uh, the baby is a chance
for a new relationship"?

You had no right.

You cannot undo this. This is done.

You know, for you, yes.

For me, it's a little more loosey-goosey.

What's that "loosey-goose"?

Mmm.

Well, you know, just to say that, uh,

I'm on it, all right?
I just need to find this m*therf*cker.

Such a disappointment.

All I went through.

You wouldn't have made it out alive.

[Nadia] My God.

That is a f*cked up thing
to say to your daughter, huh?

Ah... [scoffs]

You know what? f*ck all this.
I was trying to be nice,

but let's not pussyfoot
around the sick dynamics going on here.

You lorded that money over her head
her entire f*cking life, yeah?

Meantime, she cast you
as the evil puppet-master

with herself as the victim head case.

Cut to the end of the story,
it was meant to be my inheritance anyway.

Ipso facto, it's mine,
conventionally, and by proxy, huh?

Not yours, not Mom's, mines.

[chuckles]

Sorry to be a c**t.

Why are you talking like this?
c**t and f*ck?

Noraleh...

[Nadia sighs]

...wait.

Don't go.

This...

this is f*cked.

[police sirens wailing in the distance]

[inhales]

You know what, Vera?

I love you.

All this aside, it was great to see ya.

Seriously.

Peace out, all right?

[jazz music playing]

How the f*ck does anyone find anyone
without the Internet around here?

- Good morning.
- [woman] Good morning.

Touché, paper.

Terrific.

Okay, let's see.

For Carrera.

Carrera...

Chezare...

Does this m*therf*cker even exist?

[scoffs] Too cold for this sh*t.

[phone cable snaps]

You're coming with me.

His name is Chezare Carrera.

- [man] Chezare Carrera?
- [Nadia] Yeah.

Uh, incidentally,
not the father of this baby.

Uh, also, not in the phone book.
But so many Campbells.

A lot of Campbells. Anything else?

Do you know where he works?
Does he have a job?

- Does he have a family? What's up?
- Uh, I think he works robbing me.

[chuckles]

Uh, I'm not sure you understand
exactly what it is we do here.

Well, I don't need to.

Uh, do you know what a... a Krugerrand is?

- [man] I definitely don't, ma'am.
- Yeah, it's pretty obscure.

Uh, it's a South African gold bullion.

Well, on average, you're looking at
roughly $1800 an ounce.

Now granted, those are millennial prices,

but I don't want us
to get off track here, Derek.

Cool. I'm still not sure
where this is going.

My grandparents were holocaust survivors.

Wow, okay. I'm sorry to hear that.

- [Nadia] Well, that's not on you.
- I know.

So anyway, after the w*r,

a lot of survivors became paranoid
about putting their money in banks.

My grandmother, however,

well, she... she acquired 150
of these bad boys.

- How much money are we talking?
- Ah, great question.

Now, you see, the price of gold,
it fluctuates, right?

So, on average, on a given day,

uh, last time I checked,

$280,451.21.

sh*t.

- Oh that's big money. Okay.
- Oh yeah, big money.

It would've been my college tuition
and probably a racehorse.

- So anyway, you can see my predicament.
- [Derek] Yeah, I can see that.

Let me take everything you know about him,

and, uh, give me two or three weeks
to track him down.

- Two to three weeks?
- You know somebody who can do it faster?

Oh, well, not someone, somewhen.

Uh, I got a little tool
called the World Wide Web.

That sounds nefarious.

Oh, you have no idea.

Anyway, uh, we tried.

Thank you so much.

- Keep the phone book.
- Sure.

Yeah, I can't take it where I'm going.

Well, shouldn't carry much anyway.

- Yeah.
- Watch yourself getting out.

- Oh sure. Thanks.
- Here you go.

- Careful. Coming through.
- You be careful getting upstairs.

- All right. Adios.
- Have a good night. Get home safe.

Weird-ass person.

Lot of problems.

[upbeat music playing]

[train brakes screech]

[indistinct chatter over PA]

[cell phone dings]

Ah, what do we got here?

All right, I'm coming.
I'm coming, assholes.

[cell phone dings]

Jesus. Why don't
these f*ckers give me time?

[cell phone dings]

Hey. Okay, bada-bing.

I'm working on a new piece
in which I give my audience a Kn*fe

and I dare them
to divide my body up into zones.

It's called "The 38th Parallel."

Splendid.

Oh, thank you.

White meat or dark meat?

Oh, you girls go ahead.

Max thinks borders
are an oppressive delusion,

like the stock market.

[scoffs] No,
we've always needed boundaries

to understand where we end
and others begin.

It's not always splitting the baby.

But when it comes to the Korean w*r,
I am the baby.

Mmm.

Ruthie! Back on top.

Uh, I'm so sorry
that I did not make it back last night.

Crazy, crazy next-level sh*t went down.

Found the Valium.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Now look,
I'm just gonna go lie down for a bit.

You just leave the dishes.

- Come on, I'll help you upstairs.
- Oh, bless you.

Thank... [coughs]

- Ruthie.
- Thank you.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm okay.

[Lizzy] You have to be careful
with this stuff.

Betty Ford was addicted to it.

[Ruth] Yeah,
as was every other woman in suburbia.

- And listen, as you know, I treated them.
- Oh yeah?

- [Maxine] Where were you?
- [Lizzy] Who did you treat?

Ah!

Uh...

Would you believe me if I said
I picked up this guy at the Public Enemy

and ended up almost f*cking
my dead mother's boyfriend?

Yes, I would. That's kind of the issue.

- Nemo...
- [inhales]

...the doctors were very concerned.

They found a lump in her neck.

They did a fine-needle aspiration
and a chest X-ray.

And it's a little weird, no?
You chasing Ruth's ambulance?

Fetishizing death is not incompatible
with genuinely caring.

I know this is difficult.

I did six months
as a puppeteer in hospice.

She's not dying, Maxine.

Anyway, soon, I'll be able to afford
all the best doctors

and all the classiest X-rays.

I mean, I love Ruth. She knows that.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

[upbeat music playing]

[typing]

[Nadia] Huh.

The Bronx, baby.

- Open up.
- [banging on door]

Hey. Hello.

You're two hours past your window.

[exhales]

You're not the cable guy.

Ring-a-ding-a-ling-a-bell?

Yeah.

Google and I did a deep dive on you.

- What?
- [Nadia] Excuse me.

- Ex... What?
- [Nadia] Coming through. Choo-choo.

Aye. Yeah.

[door closes]

Excuse me. What can I do for you?

Besides screwing me and my dead mother,
both of which you've already done?

What?

If you're trying to remember,
her name was Nora.

Nadia?

[whispers] Ah-ha!

Oh, wow. Of course I remember.

Nora was a good person.

We had a good run.

Oh yeah. Yeah, a great run.

And at the finish line,
I got the medal, right?

But only one.

[chuckles]

This is about the gold?

[chuckles]

Oh my God, kid, look around.

I haven't got your money.

I'm not exactly, uh, King Midas.

You know, if I was you,
I would drop the whole thing.

Really.

Uh, look, man, I didn't really come here
to have the thief

give me advice
on getting back my family inheritance.

No, what I mean is, it's a Coney Island.

What do you mean?
The last stop on the D train?

[chuckles] In our house, a Coney Island

is the thing
that would've made everything better,

if only it had happened,

or didn't happen.

My father couldn't work.

He got sick with polio
and wound up in an iron lung.

Now, if only he hadn't gone
to Coney Island that summer,

he wouldn't have gotten
the airborne polio.

But he did.

It's a fantasy.

It's an "if only."

Your mom and me and the gold...

it was all a Coney Island.

Hmm.

Wow.

That's a lovely story,

and I'm sorry to hear about
all that polio.

But now, I'm done playing footsie.

What I wanna know is,
where you went after you stole the gold.

Specifics, please.

Jesus Christ.
I'm trying to be a decent person.

Bullshit.

If she'd wanted you to know,
she would've told ya.

Okay?

May I ask you something about your mom?

She ever move away?

She ever get to be her own person?

You know, that was her...
That was her thing.

[scoffs]

Oh, you like squash?

[chuckles softly]

I was the, uh, Bowery Rec Center champion
three years in a row.

I'm a little rusty, but, uh...

I still got quads
like a stallion. [clicks tongue]

- Yeah?
- [old Chez] Yeah.

Legs are the bicycles on the ride of life.

[clicks tongue]

Thanks a lot, Chezare.

A real dirtbag, huh?

Real f*cking dirtbag.

It's nice to see you.

[whimsical music playing]

[train brakes screech]

[announcer] This is downtown local 6 train

to Brooklyn Bridge
approaching the station.

Next stop, Astor Place.

Membership card?

Oh.

Oh, would you let, uh,
Mr. Lincoln exercise here?

You can get a day pass for $3.75.

Okay, great.
Can I get one of those then, please?

[ball slamming]

[man] Oh man!

Oh.

- Uh, hello. Good morning, everyone, uh...
- We're in the middle of a game.

Uh, do you guys know, uh, Chez Carrera?

You one of Chez's girls?

Well, sure. Yes. Very cool.

He'll turn up.

He put a bun in that oven?

[chuckles]

Oh, wow, so you guys just really
don't know how sperm work, huh?

What are you talking about?

Men don't make women pregnant,
sperm are weak.

They only get the job done when the egg
beams them up to the Federation Starship

and then you make a baby. Uh...

What would you guys know
with your tight little 1982 gym shorts?

Really, it's a little titty twister,
but for dicks, huh?

Okay, haven't had coffee yet.
Good day to you.

- [door closes]
- It must be fun, man.

Chez is into some sh*t.

[ball slams, echoes]

Hey, Allison. How you doing?

Still me.

Don't sell my autograph.

[sniffles]

[exhales]

[whistles]

[locker closes]

Hey, knock-knock, you little bitch.

Jesus, Nora.

[exhales] You can't be in here.

Well, you see, I may look like Nora,
but I don't play games.

Just last night, I m*rder*d a rock,

I injured a stone, I hospitalized a brick.

I'm so mean I make medicine sick.

Okay.

Uh, you're Muhammad Ali now?

Last night, I got in bed,
the lights were still on,

got back out of bed, hit the light,

got back in bed before the light
turned out. That's quick.

I'm bad quick.

And I fight Mr. Tooth Decay.

So where are my f*cking Krugerrands?

[whispering] Shh! What is going on
with you? You're doing this again.

- What do you mean, "again"?
- You did this already.

- [Nadia] Huh?
- You got the money last night.

Nora, you came over
and got your money back last night.

You got a little more than that, actually.

I don't believe you.

You're a liar,

so you're even lying to me now,
or you lied to me 40 years from now

when you didn't tell me that
Nora got the money back.

What are you talking about,
"40 years from now"?

What's going on here?
What happened to your face?

You happened.

Last night.

I kind of enjoyed it.

- Oh yeah?
- [mumbling]

- Yeah.
- What happened?

What, you playing rubbing privates? Yeah?

- Well, uh...
- [Nadia] Yeah?

Where's my money now?

I gave you your money back last night.

- What did you do with it? Where is it?
- Uh, I don't know.

Oh sh*t.

- What?
- Of course. She bought the car.

- [sighs]
- [Chez] Are we still on for tonight?

Uh, I hope not. But knowing my mom,
then, you know, probably.

[clicks tongue]

[upbeat music playing]

[scoffs] Come on. Of course, yeah.

[sucks teeth]

Typical.

Good old Alpha.

Classic move, Mom.

Sorry, Nora.

It looks like Santa's gotta take
your little Spider back to the North Pole.

[indistinct chatter]

What the...

Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's my mom's stuff.

Hey, sorry, lady, this is my... my stuff.

Your mother says no more paying
for the apartment, the clothes.

No more, just the baby.

She'll take care of you
because you are the mother of the baby.

Huh?

Oh, actually, the baby of the mother,
but, uh, let's not get into it.

Why did you steal this gold, Nora?

It was so important to her.

So much more than just coins.

Look, man, I'm really sorry, you know?
I'm trying to fix it.

Your family had so much life in Budapest,

and then one day,

poof, nothing.

No one left.

But you show her survival
no respect. [spits]

Look, uh...

of course I respect
my grandmother survived.

Why do you disgrace this enchantment?

Oh my God, Jesus Christ.
I mean, what is this, the occult?

We're Ashkenazi Jews, not wizards.

Yes, uh, this is translation problem.

Not enchantment.

Miracle.

An impossible thing happened to Vera,
and you stole it.

What impossible thing?

Nora.

Ugh, Ruth.

[Nadia] Ruth? Uh...

Holy sh*t, Ruthie.

Look at this.
Eat your heart out, Melanie Griffith.

Okay, stop. I've been trying
to track you down all day.

I'm... I'm right here.

I tried to pay her off, but...

- I don't come cheap.
- [young Ruth] Delia.

[Delia] Mm-hmm.

- How are you?
- [sighs] I mean...

- A widow has to worry about you.
- [Nadia] A widow?

[Delia] She has her own problems,

and she's running to the phone
every five minutes to find you.

[young Ruth] It's okay, Delia.

Keeps me on my toes.

I don't mind.

Uh, you know how to drive stick?

Do I know how to drive stick?

Okay. Yeah.

Sounds like a yes, okay?

Look, yeah, really,
you're gonna have so many husbands.

[young Ruth] Nora, I'm mourning.

God, you really
were a great driver, Ruthie.

- What?
- I said, it's good to see you smile.

[young Ruth chuckles]

[upbeat music playing]

- Oh God, this car is fun to drive.
- Yeah.

And you are absolutely right to return it.

It's the responsible thing to do.
I am proud of you.

- [chuckles]
- Ah!

Can I ask you a question, Ruthie?

Uh, what is wrong with my mom?

- Your mom?
- Yeah.

Um, she went through stuff
we can't even imagine.

Auschwitz.

I don't think
we'll ever get inside her head.

Or she was born that way.

Nature versus nurture.
But can we stop talking about this?

I don't love yelling "Auschwitz"
in a car dealership.

Well, who does?

You know, tell you what it actually is.

Epigenetics.

Yeah. Nature versus nurture doesn't exist.

You know who came up with that scam?

Francis Galton,

the founder of eugenics.

- What?
- Eugenics.

Nora.

Look at you, sprightly little thing.

You look so gorgeous.

Look at this. Turns out
I'm the Norm of this, uh, Cheers.

Eh.

Okay, nothing. Too soon.

Well, all you really need to know
is he's a cutie-pie alcohol abuser

in a loveless marriage, eh.

And I would like to return
one car, please.

Oh, you just bought it.
Is there some kind of problem?

Oh, all kinds of problems.

- Oh.
- Yeah, all kinds.

- It's a real change of heart.
- [chuckles]

[grunts] Nora, you're here all the time.
You've wanted this so long.

I just hate to see you...

Well, I am her therapist,
and this is all under my direction.

Well, I was just trying to be nice.
I don't need a doctor's note.

Uh, the car depreciates in value
the moment it's off the lot,

so I'm obligated to deduct a percentage.

Of course you are.

Well, just a smidge.

Wait, I paid for this in cash?
I figured I would have paid in gold.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Yeah. Well, fingers crossed,
it's all going in a trust for baby Nadia.

You're naming the baby after me?

- [exhales sharply]
- Well, that's a letdown.

- Okay. All right. I guess we're done here.
- [keys jingling]

Hey, uh, let's check the trunk.

Jesus f*cking sable fest.

Well, even Imelda Marcos
can't keep all the shoes.

Yeah.

All right.

[upbeat music playing]

Well, wherever she bought these furs,
they got the coins.

[music ends]

They're damaged.

I'll take the return,
but I can't give you full price.

[groans] Makes sense. Typical.

Uh, all right, great.
Well, we're all negotiators,

so, uh, there you go.

Big business, cash money.

Can I get my Krugerrands back now?

That's it?

Well, for what you gave me,
yeah, that's it.

You're business owners, I get it.

But I'm sorry to inform you
there's been an error.

These Krugerrands
have been brought here by mistake.

- Mistakes? It's half our business.
- [man chuckles]

Listen to me, I need those coins.
They're meant to be for my daughter,

uh, you know, to give her something real

to make up for all the things
I can't give her,

which is, uh, a lot.

There's a lot of things.
I'm talking basic life skills, etcetera.

Oh no, here we go. [chuckles]

Always a sob story.

Do you need a bag?

What?

Jesus, look,
I... I need all of those, all right?

If my mom does not have all of those,

she won't make it.

She won't function.

I know this for a fact.

[young Ruth sighs]

He's gone anyway, right? [chuckles]

Yeah, that'll work.

Goodnight. Hail Satan.

[Nadia sighs]

Thanks, Ruthie.

[coins clinking]

[oldies music playing in bar]

♪ Never gonna let you go ♪

[inhales] Well, yeah, the ring,
it's too big of a sacrifice.

I don't deserve it. No.

I don't deserve you, Ruthie.

Oh, no one deserves what they get in life.
That's not how it works.

You know? What's the ring to me?

Sorry to be morbid, but it's a promise
from a dead man, and I would...

[inhales] I would rather
be alive with you.

Hear, hear to that.

Listen, you and me,
we got a long, long ways to go, all right?

- Hmm.
- I'm basically like an oracle,

just so you know.

- [young Ruth] Are you?
- Yeah. Basically.

Speaking of the future,

uh,

enough with the, you know...

You gotta stop f*cking smoking, man.
You gotta stop smoking.

[chuckles] Says the pregnant woman.

[Nadia] The baby loves smoking.

Me, I'm fine.
I got cryogenics, what have you, you know,

but you, uh...

- Oh yeah?
- [Nadia] Yeah.

Well, up yours.

Also, I want you to start
investing some money, okay?

I'm talking real money.

If you wanna make money,
put in some Tyson Foods, Grainger,

Illinois Tool Works, Apple products...

Nora. Nora! Nora.

I know you're trying
to make me feel better,

but I need you
to stop working so hard, okay?

- All right?
- What did I do?

[young Ruth] I just need you
to be right here with me.

Right here, right now.

Can you do that?

Okay?

- Right here?
- Please.

[inhales sharply]

- [young Ruth sobs]
- [sighs]

[sobbing continues]

[Nadia grunts]

[inhales]

[sobbing]

[coin clinking]

[phone line rings]

[on answering machine] Hi,
this is Nora, start talking.

[answering machine beeps]

Hey.

Nora.

Uh, don't freak out.
It's me, your daughter,

calling you from somewhere
on the space-time continuum

on the Upper East Side.

Uh, I'm inside your body,
so that explains the voice,

but don't be spooked by that, be cool.

Uh...

Yeah. So I guess I just wanna say hi,

and that I'm...

I'm really mad at you.

Uh, yeah, you just...

You mess up over and over,

and it's just
pretty f*cking hard to take, and, uh...

Of course, you'll probably wind up
with Chez for a couple years.

Uh, yeah, lo... lower companions,

water seeks its own level, etcetera.

And, uh, I don't know,
good... good for you.

Better than being alone, I guess.

Uh, so anyway, uh...

I'm bringing the gold back
to Vera where it belongs to...

I don't know, close this deranged
f*cking loop and bounce.

Um...

I hope that this can be
a second chance for you guys,

and that you don't just destroy things.

So, uh...

Yeah, okay.

Uh, I love you.

I tried my best. All right, yeah, bye.

[sighs]

[melancholy music playing]

f*cking...
This is why they invented cell phones.

[coins jingling]

[train brakes screech]

[train brakes screech]

Alan!

["Goin' Out Of My Head" playing]

♪ Well, I think I'm goin' out of my head ♪

♪ Yes, I think I'm goin' out of my head ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ Over you... ♪

Did somebody take my bag?

Did you see who took my bag?

Yo, did you take my bag?

f*ck! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

♪ 'Cause I can't explain
The tears that I shed ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ I see you each morning ♪

♪ But you just walk past me ♪

♪ You don't even know that I exist ♪

♪ Goin' out of my head for you ♪

♪ Out of my head for you ♪

♪ Out of my head ♪

♪ Day and night
Night and day and night ♪

♪ Wrong or right ♪

[song ends]