01x05 - Cheater Cheater Cookie Eater

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- [clock ticking]

- Wait for it.

Wait for it!

- Watching people

play Slap att*ck

always makes me so nervous.

Not me.

I've famously got

nerves of steel.

Slap att*ck!

My famously fragile nerves!

[clock ticking]

- [buzzer blares]

- Slap's over!

Count your cards, dummies!

Why is the hand so mean?

And how are you so good

at this game?

- [rolling]

I'm Roy.

I'm good at...everything.

- The fastest slap

I've ever seen.

Except for Wanda

when I try to eat a...

[whimpers]

Shoe.

- Quit yappin',

and count your slappin'!

- How does it know

I'm not counting?

Just count, dear.

Don't anger it more.

- I've got...68.

What you got?

I've got a joker,

the instruction card

that came with the game,

a receipt, three of clubs,

and somehow a Blu-ray copy

of "The Lion King 2 1/2:

Simba's a Lawyer Now."

How did this

come out of the machine?

Great legal thriller.

- It's dark,

but it's important.

- Class dismissed!

- Gah, people!

- Toi toi, loves.

Toi toi!

- Dang, Mom,

That class was double-C quicc!

- Well, we were forced

to cut class short

because your father

had a Big Feeling.

- A what?

- A Big Feeling.

Your father had one,

so we had to cut class short.

Roy, can you handle this?

- Roy doesn't know

what a Big Feeling is--

- Once a month,

every semiprofessional dancer

has a Big Feeling

that they have to dance out

in order to move on

with their lives.

So he did know.

- I've seen a lot of my mom's

Big Feelings over the years.

You know, one time

she had a Big Feeling

while she was driving the car.

I had to grab the wheel.

I was seven.

And I'm a ten.

Anywho,

your father saw a ladybug,

and it reminded him

of a tragedy

he experienced as a boy,

so now he's gotta dance

that Big Feeling

right out of his

semiprofessional body.

Hi.

I'm better now.

Bye.

- Oh, thank goodness.

That was a particularly big--

Cookie Scout cookies!

- [shrieking]

Feeling!

Oh, hey, Roy!

Hi, I'm Cassidy.

I don't believe

we've met before.

What's your name?

We've met several times.

We're in all the same classes

and actually did

a project together

on the origin

of our first names.

Cute!

So do you guys

want to buy cookies?

- [shrieking]

Cookies!

[clears throat]

Sorry.

I have an allergy to...hats.

- I'm trying to win

the Mother-Daughter

Cookie Selling Competition.

And if you win,

you get a prize.

- Like what?

- Oh, a cool, clear phone.

- [shrieking]

Clear phone!

What's a clear phone?

- It's a clear corded phone

where you can see

all the innards,

and it's amazing!

- Got it.

What's going on with your mom?

- Buckle up, she's about

to have a Big Feeling.

- Super scary when her voice

gets all high like that.

- You could also win

tickets to Shakespeare Con.

- [shrieking]

Shakespeare Con!

- But what kind of person would

want to go to that snooze fest?

- [shrieking]

'Tis I!

We'll just take a box.

We will take no such box.

Get those devil biscuits

out of my sight!

Okay.

Wait a second.

I know who you are.

My mom always calls you

Runner-Up Ray-Ray.

- [laughs]

- [laughs mockingly]

Well, that's funny,

because I always call

your mother--

line?

- I'm sorry, what?

- I don't--what?

What's my line?

What insult should I call

her mother?

- Farty...

- Foot.

- Tell your

farty-footed mother--

line?

I'm just gonna go.

- Yeah, I think

that's for the best.

- You two, get your booty-o's

to the studio.

This Feeling will

only take a minute.

[upbeat music]

♪ Four hours later ♪

I never won the Mother-Daughter

Cookie Selling Competition.

I never got my clear phone.

And to make matters worse,

I was cursed

with a son.

Oh, don't say that.

- Shh, there's no talking

during Big Feelings.

As I was dancing,

the chances of winning

the Mother-Daughter

Cookie Selling Competition

came crashing,

crashing, crashing...

Crashing!

Down, down...

down.

- [clapping]

- Oh, yeah, Mom.

- Oh, Best Big Feeling yet, Mom.

- Brava! Brava!

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm better now.

We should go.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Yeah.

As much as I don't want to be

anywhere near

what's going on right now,

I think I have a way

to get me tickets

to Shakespeare Con

and you that clear phone.

- [screams]

- I'm listening.

- What if you and I

entered the Mother-Daughter

Cookie Selling

Competition together?

You get your clear phone, I get

tickets to Shakespeare Con,

us gals get

a little bonding in.

- Vivian, do you know

the definition of insanity?

- Of course, it's trying--

- Trying the same thing

over and over again

and expecting

a different result.

Result, yep.

Well, I tried

against Cassidy's mother,

Cassidy Senior,

and failed many times

and went a little...

[laughing]

Shall we say nutso-butso.

[laughing and sobbing]

It's true.

- Which is why I won't

ever enter it again.

- Well, just hear me out--

- Honey, she's already

heard you out.

- I'm having

another Big Feeling!

[screams]

Crashing, crashing,

crashing, down, down.

Down, yep.

♪ ♪

And get thee to a funnery

at yon Shakespeare Convention.

For at Shakespeare Con,

nary a soul shall

makest thou feel as a weirdo

simply because you yearn

for smart people things.

I yearn for such things.

What ho?

Alack and alas,

tickets hath been sold out.

So...sorry, I guess?

Wait, Sam, are they even

gonna air this commercial?

announcer: Shakespeare Con!

You're not going,

unless you happen to win

the Mother-Daughter

Cookie Selling Competition.

- Ugh, I want to go

to Shakespeare Con so bad.

- Why don't you just wish

for tickets?

- You can't just wish

for tickets to Shakespeare Con.

"Things won are done.

Joy's soul lies in the doing."

What?

It's Shakespeare.

The bard would want me

to earn those tickets.

He also wrote, "No legacy

is so rich as honesty."

That's from

"All's Well That Ends Well"--

- [groans]

- Which is titled

pretty ironically 'cause--

- Will get on

with the wishing already?

Forsooth.

I wish Rachel would

wake up tomorrow

and want to team up

with me to enter

the Mother-Daughter

Cookie Selling Competition.

[both cheer]

Viv. Viv. Viv.

- Vivian!

- [screams]

Hi, honey!

Oh, what time is it?

5:30am. I let you sleep in.

Now, put this on,

tweeze your brows,

and meet me downstairs.

We've got cookies to sell!

[brassy music]

- ♪ She's a stranger from afar

and he's a local star ♪

♪ And now they're family ♪

♪ And they have OddParents,

Fairly OddParents ♪

- ♪ Normal floaty fish ♪

- ♪ Until we grant your wish ♪

- ♪ OddParents,

Fairly OddParents ♪

♪ New shirt, blue skirt,

instant dessert ♪

♪ Swim wear, lazy chair ♪

♪ Chocolate square,

time to share ♪

♪ Gold throne, clear phone ♪

♪ Dino bone, silly clone ♪

- ♪ OddParents,

Fairly OddParents ♪

♪ It flips your lid

when you are a kid ♪

♪ With Fairly OddParents! ♪

♪ In real life ♪

[upbeat music]

- Hey, I put on

my Cookie Scout outfit,

or my scout-fit.

- What?

- [screams]

What--what's on your face?

Isn't it obvious?

- No.

- [sighs]

It's camouflage face paint.

We're gonna spend the morning

hiding in the Cassidys' bushes

hoping to spot their

master cookie selling plan.

Now paint that face.

- I'm good.

- That's funny.

I could have sworn

you wanted to win.

- I do want to win.

I just--

Then put on the makeup.

Hey, Mom!

Going to basketball practice.

Big championship game

next week--

Is first prize a clear phone?

Because if it's not

a clear phone,

I don't want to hear about it.

Of course not.

I'm gonna be outside.

Not because you're, like,

acting funny or anything.

I just like it.

Outside, that is.

I gots to go.

Cosmo, Wanda!

I don't know what happened,

but my mom's got

clear phone on the brain,

and I need to get Viv and me

as far away from her

as possible.

- Newsflash, this was

all because of Viv's wish.

- She wanted to bond

with your mom

and win tickets

to Shaky Pearl's condo.

- Shakespeare Con.

- Oh, thank God!

Pro tip: don't ever go

to Shaky Pearl's condo.

That lady drinks

way too much coffee.

I'll go anywhere.

I've seen her like this before,

and trust me,

it gets bad.

- There's a Slap att*ck

tournament in Jaunty Carlo.

That's the jauntiest place

on earth.

Perfect!

I wish

for a Ten-Minute Super Jet,

a sweet hotel,

and a sick travel fit.

There's your clothes.

Give me five minutes

on that Ten-Minute Super Jet,

you'll have a hotel,

when you land,

and can I come too?

- Bro, one-hundo!

Tight!

- Don't you think

people will be suspicious

if they find out you took

a Ten-Minute Super Jet

to Jaunty Carlo?

They won't ask questions.

I'm Roy.

- And I'm Cosmo

AKA Mr. Nerves of Steel--

eek, a person!

[grunting]

I gots to go.

- You gotta cut loose?

- [yelps]

Thank God.

You're not my wife.

- Yeah, she's coco-loco, dawg!

Well, we gotta get out of here.

I know, but to where?

We'd be lucky

to make it to Pacoima

on such short notice.

- First of all, Pacoima's

actually better than you think.

Second of all,

what if I told you

I could get

us a Ten-Minute Super Jet

to Jaunty Carlo

in 4 1/2 minutes?

- I would not ask

any questions.

Is that so?

I would, however, insist

that we scream "Boys' weekend"

at the same time.

both: Boys' weekend!

♪ Boys' weekend ♪

♪ Boys', boys' weekend ♪

♪ Also featuring Cosmo ♪

'Cause I'm a boy.

[quirky music]

Vivian, you look amazing.

Thank you.

Even more bland than usual.

There she is.

Now, put this on.

That's a diaper.

A pink one.

But let's save

those sharp-eyed observations

for the bushes, shall we?

Hurry up now.

Less gripin', more diapin'.

- How does diapin' help us

win the competition?

- We'll be observing in

the Bushes Cassidy all morning

hoping to spot their master

cookie selling plan.

We won't have time

for bathroom breaks.

I need a minute.

Soldier!

Take the pink diaper!

Oh, I gots to go.

- You're the third person

I've heard say that today.

Well, Rachel's lost it.

I want to win,

but not if it means

spending all day diaper-peeing

in the Bushes Cassidy.

- Well, Cosmo jetted

to Jaunty Carlo with the boys.

Yeah, I know.

My dad just sent me this video.

- Viv, Roy is amazing

at Slap att*ck.

[buzzer blares]

Another win, young man!

- [all cheering]

- Let's go!

- He's very focused

on winning the tournament.

Maybe too focused.

I think he's even wearing

a diaper.

A fine masculine pink,

but still.

Hope my wife

isn't going too far.

Love, your father.

Me, Ty Turner.

How do we turn this thing off?

Can't just be the End button.

- Must be nice just to avoid

all your problems.

- Sure.

- Wait, that gives me an idea.

I'll just quit.

Problem avoided!

Exactly.

Phone, wallet, keys, diaper.

Hey, honey!

Ready to spend the day

squatting, spying, and selling?

Yeah, about that.

I think I want to qui--

- [doorbell rings]

- Hold on!

I desperately want to know

what you're gonna say,

but the ding has donged,

and I need to open

the--Cassidy!

- Well, well,

if it isn't Runner-Up Ray-Ray.

Is that mud on your face

or poop?

It's none of your business.

But it's also not poop.

Right?

- What do you want,

Cassidy Senior?

- Oh, I heard you were

back in the cookie game,

which I found shocking,

considering how often

you crumble.

- [laughs]

Good one.

[laughs mockingly]

Well, you are...

line?

- I got you.

[clears throat]

Methinks thine brains

are as dry as biscuits

after a yearlong voyage.

It's Shakespeare.

- Well, let me make

something Shakes-clear.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [in slow-motion]

No.

Boop, boop, beep, boop.

You only dialed four numbers.

Hi, Mommy. Can you hear me?

Those aren't even connected.

- Actually, you're coming

in crystal clear.

- You're right next

to each other.

- And we're right across

from a couple of losers.

[barks]

- Well, tell them

that my daddy, Cassido,

is selling our cookies

in the lobby

of every hotel he owns.

- Cassido owns a lot of hotels,

and everyone goes to the lobby.

That's true.

- Well, I'm afraid

we must be off.

We have a competition

to win...again.

[barks]

As Shakespeare said,

"Yeet yeet, mother-daughters."

Shakespeare never said that!

[snarling]

I hate them.

Me too.

[growls]

But wait, earlier you said,

"I think I wanna qui--"

but you didn't finish

because the doorbell

interrupted you.

Tell me exactly

what you were gonna say.

- I was saying

I think I want to...

Quickly crush them

in this cookie selling

competition.

Now let's go, new stepmom!

Let's sell some cookies!

Let's sell all the cookies!

[both grunt, howl]

♪ 14 hours later ♪

- We have sold

none of the cookies.

- Vivian,

I just want you to know

that even though we spent

five hours in the bushes

to no great effect

and another nine hours

selling only one box

of cookies,

to Shaky Pearl, no less--

- You two want to come over

to my condo, drink coffee,

and watch five straight hours

of potato sack racing?

- Not today,

not ever, Pearlina.

Copy that.

- Anyway, today wasn't

all that bad,

because we spent it together.

Just us girls.

And tomorrow, I think

we'll look back and say

we did a good thing.

Viv?

Vivian!

[screams]

Mama did a bad thing.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Rachel, what is going on?

Well, good news and bad news.

First, we won.

We sold the most cookies.

Yay!

- To ourselves?

- Uh-huh.

I looked it up

and there's no rule

against buying our own cookies,

so I repeat, yay!

Wait, what's the bad news?

- Oh, right. How do I put this?

[clears throat]

In order to buy

this many cookies at once,

I had to borrow a lot of money.

- How much?

- $50,000.

$50,000?

- Right?

Take that, Cassidys!

That was not necessary.

Anyway, how'd you borrow

that much money overnight?

- I took out

this ten-hour super loan

from this 12-year-old

millionaire that likes boats.

John Dollarbutts?

Nate Buxaplenty?

That's it!

- He's the worst.

He goes to my school.

Why would you do that?

- I was desperate!

I needed the money.

Clear phone.

Your beloved Shakespeare Con.

- Okay, let's just think

for a minute.

Oh, thinking. Great idea.

You go first.

- Okay, when are

the ten hours up

for this ten-hour loan?

- Uh...

[doorbell rings]

Now?

I sowwy.

Rachel, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry.

I will go downstairs

and fix this right now.

And before you say,

"Stop, you majestic Pegasus

of a woman.

You'll only make things worse,"

I promise

I won't make things worse.

Love you like a stepdaughter.

Mwah.

- Ugh, Wanda,

a little help, please?

- Looks like

you're in a real jam, honey.

Is it my turn to wish?

According to my ledger,

Roy just wished

for a fresh pink diaper.

- Wow, okay.

Well, I wish for $50,000.

[drooping brass note]

What happened?

- You can't wish

for money, dear.

It's against Da Rules.

- Oh, I wish I could

think of something.

Done!

[giggling]

- You know, I'd expect

this kind of thing from Cosmo,

but not you.

Oh, I miss him so much,

I just had to do

something stupid.

[upbeat percussive music]

♪ ♪

Oh, good, Viv. You're here.

You're not gonna believe this,

but I made things worse.

Vivian, old girl.

It would appear that the butler

has forgotten the shoes.

Huh?

- Oh, you know

the popular expression:

"A storm always brews when

the butler forgets the shoes."

Put in terms someone without

four yachts can understand,

you're in trouble.

[dramatic music]

I sowwy.

♪ ♪

[clock ticking]

[buzzer blares]

- And the winner of this

Slap att*ck tournament is...

Roy Raskin.

- Whoo!

Let's go, Jaunty Carlo!

- Hey, everybody, this is

my pink-diaper-wearing stepson,

and I love him!

Here are your winnings.

50,000 Jaunty bucks. Enjoy.

Wow.

- I remember my first time

seeing four bags of cash.

My name is Cassido Cassidy.

I'm the owner

of this hotel and lobby.

And I'm also, how do you say,

the owner of many questions

about how this boy

of a few years

in a pink diaper

wins the biggest

Slap att*ck tournament

in all of Jaunty Carlo.

That's just Roy being Roy.

Hi, I'm Ty Turner.

We're from Dimmsdale.

- Ah, I too call Dimmsdale home

when I'm not in Jaunty Carlo,

where I have noticed

that it is the boys

with the faces of angels

who cheat like devils.

- What?

I slapped fair and square.

- Now, you listen

to me, Cassido.

No one calls

my angel-faced stepson

a cheating devil

when I'm around.

Not unless they're prepared

to fight.

Dance fight.

Ooh, you in trouble now,

because my stepdad is

a semiprofessional dancer

with Big Feelings!

- I believe it is you

that is in trouble, my friend.

You see, I am

a fully professional dancer.

[Latin guitar music]

Well, I...

am fully intimidated

♪ ♪

- Roy, buddy,

our Ten-Minute Super Jet

back to Dimmsdale

leaves in five minutes.

You gotta wish us out of here.

I can't.

If you poof Ty with us,

he'll find out

about fairy godparents.

- Well, what are we gonna do,

baby boo?

Oh, I got an idea.

I just need to distract Ty

at just...

The right...

Time. Ty, watch out!

There's a ladybug!

- [yelps]

Where?

I wish that

the three of us were on

that Ten-Minute Super Jet

back to Dimmsdale.

- That was...how do you say--

nutso-butso.

I don't understand

how you possibly could have

made this worse.

Okay, here's the tea.

I paid back the ten-hour

$50,000 super loan we owed Nate

by taking out a new

ten-minute $50,000 super loan.

Also for Nate.

So we still owe him $50,000.

- Yers, but I bought us

ten minutes.

- Yay!

- Yay.

- I heard yaying,

which seems odd

considering what will happen

if I'm not paid in full

in two minutes' time.

- Your g*ons will

break our kneecaps?

Ha, you wish!

My g*ons will give you

a wicked case of...

[dramatic musical flourish]

Poison ivy.

[both scream]

Fear not, kitty cats.

both: Ew.

- You have two options

to relieve you of your debt.

One, you can be my friend

for a single afternoon.

No.

As expected.

Option two: a miracle walks

through that door

holding 50,000

in cold, hard cash.

Well, then, as the mangrove

says to the manatees,

"You, my whiskered

sea cow, are"--

I won 50,000!

In cold, hard cash.

- Ha, I thought

it might end this way.

Oh, hey. Sup, Nate?

[clicks tongue]

- Ahoy, ahoy, Roy.

You're looking healthy.

- Uh, Nate, would you accept

50,000 in Jaunty bucks?

With great pleasure.

Roy, give him all the money.

No time to explain.

[yelps]

g*ons, pick those up

and count it.

One, two, three...

50, boss. It's all here.

- Seems you've managed

to escape

the sticky tentacles

of my friendship.

Yes, friendship.

- You know,

they say friendship...

- Very important.

- Is like waiting on your yacht

hoping

for the perfect place to--

- You're still young.

You'll make lots of friends.

Okay, thank you.

[bush rustles]

Ahoy! I fell on a bush!

So how was your weekend?

[knocking on door]

- So you bought

all the cookies yourself?

Brilliant move.

As the past winners

of the Mother-Daughter

Cookie Selling Competition,

we award you

with this clear phone...

[gasping]

- And tickets

to Shakespeare Con.

- Thank you, Cassidys,

and on behalf of myself

and my majestic Pegasus

of a stepmother,

I'd like to say,

"Yeet yeet, mother-daughters!"

[both screaming]

Hey.

♪ Boys' weekend ♪

♪ Boys', boys' weekend ♪

[upbeat music]

I missed you, Cosmo.

- Did you do something stupid

'cause you missed me?

I did.

Did you do something stupid

'cause you're you?

Yes, with a capital W.

Oh, Cosmo.

♪ ♪