03x01 - Lovely But Lethal

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Lang, the phone company
tells me

that you've only had this
number for a few months,

and that it's
a private number.

Someone who mixed up the ingredients,
falsified the formula...

You're under arrest
for m*rder.

You see, this Mr. Smith has some sort
of formula that he's trying to sell.

I found out that they actually use
poisons when they make cosmetics.

Belladonna, aconite.

I need that formula.

Make me an offer.

Beautiful, isn't she?
Every time I go to the bathroom, there she is.

Next victim, please.

Plasma and sutures
ready, nurse?

Oh, shut up, Karl.

Take courage, sir.

Just think how many years Dr.
Frankenstein must've spent on his research.

Yes.

But he only made
one little monster.

He didn't live
in our jungle.

He didn't have
to succeed.

He didn't have to...

Oh, never mind,
that's enough.

A miracle.

That's all I want.

That's all we've ever wanted.
Right, Your Majesty?

Here's another variation
on the caftan theme,

this one flowing and soft,
in a soft print,

and with its sparkle and
glamour right down the front.

Viveca, darling, what are you doing
here, peddling false eyelashes, huh?

David, love, where did you
get the new hairpiece?

Surely you don't make
anything that clever?

Oh!

Still my lover, huh?

Now, don't be embarrassed because
I caught you at a fashion show.

I used to butter up the designers,
too, when business was bad.

Well, if those girls are wearing
a sample of your new eye shadow,

Lang Cosmetics is in trouble.

My, what a sweet
little dress.

Don't waste your amm*nit*on,
honey.

My secretary, that's all.
Shirley Blane.

Sorry, love.

Viveca. Seriously, darling

I-I-I've been watching Beauty Mark's
stocks go down the last two months. Now...

Well, since I always like
to help a compatriot

if they seem to be
in trouble...

Mr. Lang, why don't you just
go gobble up a pill company?

It isn't surprising,
of course.

You haven't hit with a really
good new product since you, uh,

pirated those French lipsticks
two years ago.

Is that where you stole
the silly eye shadow?

I'll always think of you
as the queen of cosmetics.

But if things
do get too bad,

if you ever do need

to get out of this crazy
rollie-coaster business...

Oh, David, you innocent lamb,

are you in
for a surprise.

Excuse me, Miss Scott.
I think you dropped your program.

Oh, yes, how silly of me.
Of course I did.

Bye-bye, darling.

I'll send flowers
to your funeral.

Voila.

Yes.

The sun. I love the sun.

The Fountain of Youth stuff
I'm not happy with yet.

And Vanish, I threw out.

It sounds too much like
old-fashioned vanishing cream.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Miracle is right.

Because it is a miracle.

Imagine, a harmless cream that can
actually make wrinkles disappear.

It's like alchemy.

It's the dream
of the centuries.

It's what women have longed
for since ancient Egypt.

Well, I went ahead and reserved
the network television time.

But our credit's
not very good,

so unless we can start
mass production

by the end of the month...
Of course we can.

And I want you to be ready with full-color
inserts for all the fashion magazines.

Darling, we're going to put
them all out of business.

When David Lang sees the...
I told you...

Your Majesty.

Murch, dear.

Dear, come in.

We were just talking...

Yes, yes.

The fruits of
a whole year's labor,

my most sublime
accomplishment,

the dream of all mankind,

the dream to
save all our skins.

You're wobbling.

Yes, and I have hastened,
my queen,

from a final secret
testing of this elixir,

this m-masterpiece
of my chemical genius.

Who told you to do
any more testing?

What if one
of your models talks?

I thought my orders
were quite clear.

On the basis
of last week's reports...

Those reports were wrong.

It was a fluke.
I jumped the g*n.

One little sample
that broke down.

I tried combination
after combination since.

This miracle of ours will never be any
more useful for concealing wrinkles

than axle grease.

I got your note on the back
of the program, dear,

but I really haven't time
to talk right now.

Oh, I... I just thought
that you might like

to see something
that Mr. Lang did today.

Today I could care less
what that devil did.

Not that I'm not grateful for my
little pipeline, you understand.

Is something wrong,
Miss Scott?

Acid stomach.

What have you made
a photocopy of now?

Oh. A check.

He didn't see me
do it, of course,

but Mr. Lang went to the bank and got
that check himself this afternoon

and then he came back and
locked it in a desk drawer.

I'm happy that David Lang
has $ , to give anyone.

Who's Harry Smith,
his bookie?

No, that's not his real name.

It's the name of a man who... who's only
been to the office once or twice,

late at night,
when nobody else is there.

Except you, of course.

Hmm.

I appreciate
your efforts.

Oh. I was only there because Mr.
Lang wanted to trick him.

You see, this Mr. Smith has some sort
of formula that he's trying to sell.

And Mr. Lang asked me to bring
in this older friend of mine

and Mr. Smith rubbed some of
the formula on... on her skin.

Then when Mr. Smith was gone,

Mr. Lang tried to take scrapings
from her cheek to analyze.

Go on.

Yes, but there wasn't
any left.

Because whatever there was,

I got.

What is that?

Well, on this really old woman

that Mr. Smith brought
with him the first time...

Watch.

Oh, sweetheart, you've got a
smudge right there by your eye.

I do?

Yes, but I'll...
I'll rub it off for you.

Here, come sit down.

That's right.
Sit right down.

Now, uh,
close your eyes.

You know, that must be
cigarette ash.

I smoke much too much, too.

Mmm-hmm.

There.
Keep your eyes shut.

There.

Thank you, ma'am.

You're welcome.

Isn't that
incredible?

Wrinkles just disappear,
and it lasts all day.

Oh, Viveca, I don't know
if you can b*at him to this...

but you know how anxious I am
to find a better position.

And the thought
of a man like David Lang

getting his hands
on a discovery like this

just makes me sick.

Shirley, tell me one thing.

What does Harry Smith
look like?

Well, he... he's... he's
about medium height,

thick brown hair,

not more than years old.

Why isn't your husband
home yet?

Mrs. Kelly, I do not pay
my lawyers to play squash!

You tell him...

Oh, never mind.

Dd

So that's where it was.

How did you get in here?

You still keep it
in the flower pot.

Well, at least you haven't
forgotten that.

There are a lot of things
I haven't forgotten, darling.

What are you
going to do with that?

Don't you know?

Peddle it to David Lang
as a sample of your wares?

Don't worry, dear.
I'm alone.

Poor old Murcheson.

If he only knew.

He really did work
a miracle, didn't he?

He had some help.

Sure he did.

Someone who mixed up the ingredients,
falsified the formula,

stole it,

and is now going to sell it
to the highest bidder?

Yeah, something
like that, I guess.

No. Nothing like that.

Because we're going to
put the thief away.

Are we?

Hello. This is Viveca Scott.

Yes, Scott.

I'm a personal friend
of the Chief's.

I want to be put through
to him right away.

Yes, I'll wait.

You still like those, uh,
tequila cocktails

with the organic
cactus juice, right?

I've always thought that was
an appropriate drink for you.

What's the matter, love?

Are the police closed
tonight for inventory?

You slimy little snake.

Oh, no, Vivi.

I'm your hairy
little teddy bear.

Remember me?

What do you want for the jar?

Uh-oh.

You can have the jar.

But, uh,

it isn't worth very much
without the formula.

We'll have to negotiate
on that.

Where is it?

It's not written down
anywhere?

It's mine.

Is it?

You stole it!

Prove it.

Karl, I need that formula.

Our sales are down. We've lost
some exclusive outlets.

And that louse David Lang
is closing in on me.

Miracle. I need a Miracle.

Make me an offer.

I never knew
you had a sense of humor.

Remember, if we call you
the inventor,

you'll get royalties
on the gross.

Say, um...

%%% on each unit?

It's not enough, Viveca.

Not nearly enough
for a miracle.

What do you want?

You want me?

Mmm-hmm.

Darling,

we have no problem.

I've always liked you.

It was only
a matter of respect.

Frankly, I didn't know
you had it in you.

Are you surprised?

Mmm.

But I like it.

I'll bet you do.

Now you know, love,

I always like to mix a little
business with pleasure.

The formula is...

What else?

What do you mean,
"What else?"

Uh-uh!

Now that's no way
to speak to your...

new partner.

Partner? Never
in a million years!

Well,

it's either that or you go
to work for David Lang.

What do you say, babe?
It's up to you.

Partner.

You have no idea

how long I've waited
for this moment.

Waited and planned.

And now...

No thank you, darling.

You're not going to make a sucker
out of me like you did Murcheson.

There was a time I'd have
given you anything.

Now, quite frankly,
I wouldn't give you...

Oh!

Karl?

Karl. Karl.

Morning, Lieutenant.
Would you like to see the corpse?

Uh, no, thanks. No.

I'll just talk
to the doctor.

Hey, Lt. Columbo!

Find something
in there?

No, my breakfast,
that's all.

What time did they get you up
this morning, Sergeant?

About an hour ago,
Lieutenant.

A kid looked through
the window there

and spotted the body right
here, just after daylight.

What was this guy,
some kind of scientist?

A chemist.

He worked for
Beauty Mark Cosmetics.

He must have had two jobs,

because we found these smaller
pay stubs in the desk there.

And I also found his bank
book in there, Lieutenant.

And this magazine I found
over there on the table.

What is that, a microscope?

Yes, sir.

And, oh, Lieutenant, here's
some notes the doctor made.

You know, I haven't seen one of
these things since high school.

And there's
a blood stain.

The doc seems to think this will
match up as a m*rder w*apon.

However, I haven't
found any prints.

He was hit from behind,
Lieutenant, by a heavy object.

You know,
you better be careful.

Feels like there's some
broken glass on the floor.

Apparently they broke
a drinking glass.

Anyway, Lieutenant,
it's all in here.

He d*ed from
a fractured skull.

Excuse me one moment,
would you, Sergeant?

Hey, Lieutenant,
what are you looking for?

Salt for my egg.

I usually carry
a shaker in my pocket.

Here, here's salt.

That's just flour.

Maybe once,
not now.

Something else
was in there.

Oh, yeah.

What do you think
it was?

I have no idea,
Lieutenant.

, , , ,
, , , .

Eight-sided bottom.
Octagonal.

Yeah, looks that way,
looks octagonal.

Hey, Lieutenant, this just might fit
in with a theory I'm developing.

As you've probably noticed, this
is a hippie neighborhood, right?

And this guy Lessing had a lot of
chemical supplies lying around.

Suppose somebody thought
they were dr*gs.

Or maybe they were dr*gs.

Because... I want to show you
something, Lieutenant.

He didn't get paid very much
by Beauty Mark.

Lieutenant.

Beautiful, isn't she?

We haven't really checked on
who that is yet, Lieutenant.

You don't know?

No.

She is Beauty Mark.

I mean, her real name
is Viveca Scott, but, uh...

Listen, every time I go to
the bathroom, there she is.

I'm...

Really.

As long as I
can remember,

on every one
of my wife's jars

on the lotion, on the tubes,
on the cream...

I guess you're
not married, huh?

No, I'm not.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

The kid's boss is outside.

Now? Her?

Lieutenant,
I told you it was a kid

who first spotted
Lessing's body, remember?

Well, that kid worked
for a travel agency.

And it's his boss
that's outside.

Be right with you.

That's right, this Mr. Lessing
placed a hurry-up order

for all sorts
of reservations,

plane tickets
yesterday afternoon.

Well, when I couldn't reach him
by phone last night to confirm,

I got a little worried because
it is a common racket, you know.

So I didn't have
my breakfast this morning.

I sent the boy
over here to snoop

while I started
canceling reservations.

Excuse me, sir.
These are tickets to where?

Oh, Paris, uh, George V,

then a week on the Riviera.

All deluxe accommodations.

And he was to leave
first class today on a .

Naturally, I had to
guarantee deposits.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Sergeant, I thought you told me that Mr.
Lessing was hard up?

His latest bank statement shows that
he had a balance of less than $ .

But here, on the back
of this magazine,

he apparently
did some doodling.

There's dollar signs,
figures...

He did it, or
somebody else did.

Yeah, anybody can
do this doodling.

There's no check
on the handwriting.

Excuse me, Lieutenant.
This Mr. Lessing

was to have been
in my office this morning

with a check
for more than $ , .

Hear that, Lieutenant?

Lessing must've been
expecting some money.

It's a funny kind of pencil
to doodle with.

All right, Adele, enjoy it.

It's your first drink
of the day.

All right, Sylvia, come on.

A little more, a little more violet, Teddy.
Just a touch.

Good. Good.

Good for you?
Sure.

Ferdy, I thought this was
going to be a lipstick layout.

But of course, love.

Just wait till they
open their mouths.

I mean, just wait until you see
what I've created for you.

Dd

Can I help you, sir?

I guess I came in
the wrong door. Sorry.

All right, Laura.
Enjoy it.

Miss Scott, right?

Yes.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

I didn't mean to intrude.

You know, upstairs they
told me you'd be down here,

but this is some
building you got here.

I mean, you got
everything... Do I know you?

You don't know me, ma'am,
but I sure know you.

Every time I shave,
there you are.

It's a pleasure.

My name is Lt. Columbo.
I'm from the L.A.P.D.

Uh, do you have
a moment?

Oh, um, uh,
c-carry on, uh, Ferdy.

Come this way, please.

All right, Adele,
let's take it from the top.

m*rder*d? How horrible.

Yes, it's terrible.

What did you say
his name was? Lessing?

Oh. Not that nice young man
in Dr. Murcheson's department?

The chemist, ma'am, yes.

Yes.

But I understand he was
going to be fired today.

Oh, well, I had nothing to do
with him, Lieutenant.

Poor boy. I wonder
if he had any family?

No, ma'am, he didn't.

You know, in that connection,
maybe you could help me out.

I was upstairs, and I wanted
to ask about him,

but somebody in the laboratory, you
know, they wouldn't let me in there.

Like Fort Knox around here.

I had no idea you had
such top secrets

in a nice ladies'
business like this.

I'll fix that,
Lieutenant.

You can go anywhere you want
and ask anything you want.

We have no secrets
from the police.

Oh, thank you.
I knew you'd say that.

Yes, let me have
Darla, please.

Just from the type
of person you are.

She's not? Oh.
How long?

Oh, no, never mind.
I'll call back.

You know, I gotta
tell you honestly that, uh,

I feel like I've known you
for years.

I feel you're like a member
of the family.

I mean, you're like, uh...

like Lydia E. Pinkham.

Oh, well...

Thank you. Oh, well...

Uh, my secretary
is out right now,

but I'll take care of it
as soon as she returns.

I, um, can't help but think
you're wasting your time.

But if you'd like to talk
to my personnel director,

he could probably tell you
more about Mr. Lessing.

No, I've already spoken to him and
he showed me Mr. Lessing's file.

Oh, listen, you know,
in that connection, uh,

there was something funny
about that, you know.

It was the only file folder
in the whole cabinet

that had been
shoved in backwards.

I... I don't understand.

I'm sure it don't
mean anything.

I was just
wondering about it.

Because personnel
files are confidential

and the file
is usually locked.

So, I was just curious who might have
a key and who wouldn't have a key.

Well, um, I have one, and, uh,
probably a dozen other people.

I could get you a list
if you like.

No, that won't be necessary.

Maybe later.

I won't bother you anymore.

No trouble, Lieutenant.

Oh. Lieutenant,

you will let me know
the minute you have any idea

who that poor boy's m*rder*r
was, won't you?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Dd

Oh, yes, Dora, um, there's
a Lt. Columbo in the building.

I think he's on his way
up to the lab now.

Would you please see...
Miss Scott.

There is something maybe
I ought to tell you right now

because it might not
have been a m*rder*r.

I think it was a woman
that k*lled him.

You do?

Or at least a woman
was there last night.

You see, on the back
of this television magazine

that just must have come
in the mail just yesterday,

there was a lot doodling.

Black figures, black numbers,
and dollar signs.

Yes?

Mmm.

Well, they were written
with a black eyebrow pencil.

I spotted it right away because
that's what my wife always uses

when she makes out
her grocery list.

When she goes into her purse,

that's the only kind of pencil
she can ever find.

Then you're wasting your time
here, aren't you, Lieutenant?

What do you mean?

Talking to a redhead.

Brunettes use
black eyebrow pencil.

Dd

Do you know if he had
any girlfriends?

Now, how would I know
if he had any girlfriends?

I just work here,
that's all.

No, I was just thinking, uh, you know,
maybe somebody here in the company?

Because you can't help noticing, there's
an awful lot of female employees around.

Models, Lieutenant.

I mean, you don't think they'd be interested
in a mere chemist's salary, do you?

Besides, this guy Karl
was one of those guys

that stuck pretty much
to himself.

Guy with a lot of ambition,
you know what I mean?

I guess he figured if you
can't bed the mother hen,

why waste time
with the chickens?

Mind if I ask you
something?

What are you doing
all this for, anyway?

Because whenever they stop one of these
projects, I gotta get rid of everything...

the papers, the test
materials, everything.

Why?

To keep the other companies
from finding out.

Come on.

What was that project Mr.
Lessing was working on, anyway?

Who knows? They never
tell anybody anything.

Just her nibs
and a few top executives.

Gee whiz, you'd think that you were
building secret weapons around here.

Why, we're not?

Do you have any idea how much
the women of America spend

to make themselves beautiful?

Anyway, whatever it was,
it didn't work

because everybody
in this section got canned.

Oh. Really?

Uh. Excuse me just
one minute. Um...

What's the matter?

You got to throw this out?

Yeah, of course.
Everything goes.

What would I use this
for, anyway?

I mean it's got no label,
it's got no writing, nothing.

Every test product has a
special container, Lieutenant.

Like the one
you're holding.

Here, let me show you.
Hold this.

Now, there were only
a dozen of these.

It's a way of coding,
that's all.

Coding, you know
what I mean?

Different colors,
different shapes.

And one is missing.

Hmm.

You mind if I keep this?

For what? They've all been sterilized.
There's nothing in them.

Oh, well, it's sort of nice.
You keep things in it.

Cuff links, tie clasp.

I kind of like the bottom.

Eight sides.

What do they call that,
octagonal?

Oh, Miss Scott, your phone's
been ringing and ringing.

I know, Dora.
Never mind.

I don't want to be
bothered yet.

Don't let anyone in to see me
for a little while.

Miss Scott!

I'm sure glad
I caught you.

I want to thank you
for letting me look around.

Boy, this cosmetic business.

It sure is a long way from just
hair curlers and face grease.

You know, I had no idea.

Fellow showed me an eyelash, it
was made out of real live mink.

And the third floor, they
don't do anything up there

but cook up perfume for men.

Am I right?

Right.

What's the world coming to?

Well, come back anytime you
like, Lieutenant, and find out.

Thank you. I think
I've seen enough.

Oh, listen. There's one other
thing I wanted to ask you about.

Uh, the fellow that Lessing
worked with, Dr. Murcheson.

Uh, I can't find him, and I was
wondering whether you could help me?

Apparently, he goofed up on some expensive
project that he was working on.

Gee, I've seen this picture
every day for years.

You're a beautiful woman.

At any rate, uh,

I've got Dr. Murcheson's telephone
number and I've called him,

uh, but I haven't had
any luck. Can you help me?

Well, just try
the nearest saloon.

I'm sure that's the only place
he's welcome anymore.

Say, Miss Scott,

can I ask you
a personal question?

Yes.

It's, uh...

Well, you know, it has to do
with these pictures.

You always wear
a beauty mark.

Only this morning,
you don't have it on.

Oh! Is that all?

It's just one of those things I
never do before lunchtime, darling.

Bye-bye.

No, what I was
wondering about was, uh,

how you put
those things on.

I mean, do you stick them on,
or do you paint them on, or...

Well, I can tell
you're not interested

and your mind's
someplace else.

Don't worry about it.
I'll ask somebody else.

Oh, no, Lieutenant,
I don't mind telling you.

I use an eyebrow pencil,
of course.

A black one.

Bye-bye, ma'am.

Goodbye, sir.

Um, extension , please.

Hello, I'd like to speak
with Miss Shirley Blane.

You mean she
hasn't come to work...

Oh, I see.

Oh, no, uh, I'll call back.

In about half an hour?
Thank you.

Hello?

Hello?

Hung up.

Phone was ringing
every few minutes,

so I thought
I'd answer it.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, I'm very sorry that I
wasn't here to help you, sir,

but I've been very busy
taking dictation.

Now, what can I do for you?

Yes, I...
May I get that for you?

Thank you.

All those cigarettes yours?

Yes.

May I tell you something?

Yes.

Whenever I see a pretty young girl
like you doing all that smoking,

I say to myself:

"Why does she
take the chance?"

Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute.
My cigar.

Now, you were telling me
that you're...

Yeah. I'm Lt. Columbo.
I'm from the L.A.P.D.

Isn't that a shame?

Good-looking
young guy like that.

Yes, I haven't had
a chance to read it yet.

Why are you
here, Lieutenant?

Oh, I just want to see
Mr. Lang for a moment.

The girl in the outer office
said maybe you could slip me in.

May I tell him
what it's about?

Oh, don't bother,
I'll do that.

You don't mind if I borrow
that paper, do you?

No.
I'll bring it back.

Sorry, Lieutenant.
Karl Lessing.

I never heard
of the man.

You mind taking
another look?

Well, I never met him, either,
as far as I can remember.

Now, why would I?

Well, you know, he wasn't
actually a scientist

like it says there
in the paper.

You know, really, he was just
an assistant chemist.

You mean over at Beauty Mark.

I read faster
than you might think.

Well, I've been there a few times, of course.
I mean, after all,

Viveca Scott is one of my
oldest and dearest friends.

So it's quite possible that I've
run into him sometime or another.

Oh. But really, Columbo, look, this is one
of the biggest businesses in the country.

I... I mean, there are literally
thousands of chemists in cosmetics.

Now, why you should come here and
question me about some unknown,

I... I just don't understand.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

Hey, I gotta pay that. Um...

One moment.

That's it.

That's what?

Mr. Lang,
the phone company tells me

that you've only had
this number for a few months

and that it's
a private number.

Well?

Well, I was sort of wondering why
this Karl Lessing would have it.

You see, my office told me that
they found this number scribbled

on a small piece of paper
in Mr. Lessing's wallet.

Well, why the devil didn't you
say that in the first place?

Well, I wanted
to make sure first, sir.

You see, even the phone company
makes mistakes, and, uh,

inasmuch as this number was the only
thing about you that anybody found...

Yes, of course.
I mean it... it just never...

Wait a minute.

Hmm.

Find something
there, sir?

Well, there are a lot of young
chemists in and out of here.

You know, we pay the highest
wages in the business,

so naturally they come here
looking for jobs.

Just a second.

Shirley, come in here
a minute, will you?

We do know Mr. Lessing
was expecting some money.

And maybe a lot of money.

Now, don't get ahead
of yourself, Lieutenant.

I haven't offered
anyone a job for months.

Oh, Shirley,

look, have a look here, huh?
It's not a very good picture,

but there was a young fellow in here
the other day, maybe once before.

I didn't have time
to talk to him.

Doesn't look familiar.

Lessing?

No, that's the wrong name.

But he was about, uh...

Well, average height,
curly hair.

It was something like, uh,

Johnson,
Jefferson maybe.

Oh.

Well, you may be right, sir,
but you didn't ask me

to fill out a card on him
or anything like that.

That's all that there was.

I'm afraid I didn't hear
anything he said, Lieutenant.

I'm very sorry, sir,
but you see, I'm so busy

I don't have time to notice
everyone who comes into the office.

Why would he
change his name?

If he was already working
for Viveca?

She demands devotion
from her handsome young men.

Oh, I don't mean it
in quite that way, no.

Well, protocol,
discretion, who knows?

I still can't figure out how he'd
get your private phone number.

Unless he looked
at it, Lieutenant?

Just as you did?

Mmm.

Sorry I couldn't
be of more help.

Me, too, sir.

You see, this Lessing was
up to something, I think.

But this cosmetics stuff
is such a complicated thing.

I mean, all this top secret
research going on,

and people spying
on other people's products.

So, you know, I thought maybe
you could give me some clue.

If you're questioning the American
system of free enterprise, Lieutenant,

you've come
to the wrong place.

Besides, here at Lang, we don't need
to bother with that sort of thing.

$ raise.

Did you ever hear of anything
so insufferably male?

Then what did he say?

To that silly
policeman?

You don't think
David Lang

would let himself
be concerned

with anything human
like a m*rder, do you?

Maybe.

If you're so sure that the man
he wrote the check to,

that Harry Smith,
is really Karl Lessing,

then maybe they got
into a fight

over the price of the
formula or something.

They were trying to cheat
each other, weren't they?

And you think
that Mr. Lang k*lled him?

Oh, no. No way.

You see, I saw that picture in the
newspaper first this morning.

And then, when Mr. Lang came in
and noticed it there on my desk,

well, he didn't say a word.

But I thought for a moment
he was going to faint.

Oh, uh...

Dear, may I see that?

I'm sure it's not
your size anyway.

And then do you know
what he did?

Shirley, we can't
stay here all day.

Well, he said he was going
downstairs for just a moment.

But where he really went
was the bank.

I know, because I've got
a girlfriend over there.

And do you know
what he did?

He deposited that $ , check
right back into his account.

Well, so what? That still doesn't
mean he couldn't have m*rder*d...

Oh, no, I'm positive he...

$ .

I wonder if I
could afford that.

I really have to go.

I know, but, Viveca, dear,

if Mr. Lang didn't k*ll
that nice young man,

then who do you suppose did?

Shirley, dear, why don't you come
out to the farm this afternoon?

You know,
take that same back road.

There's something
I want to talk to you about.

But how can I leave
the office?

I mean, Mr. Lang might have errands
for me to run, but I don't know if...

All right,
if you can't make it.

I just thought...

Well, we haven't
talked about you yet.

: ?

How about : ?

Good.

That same place
that we met before.

Good.

Why, Miss Scott, I didn't see you.
Is there something we can show you?

No, just slumming
my way to lunch. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Legs up. , , , .

, , , .
, , , .

, , , .
, , , .

Together, girls,
together. Legs up.

, , , .

Up, up.

, , , .
, , , .

, , , .
, , , .

, , , . Together girls, together.
Legs up.

, , , .
Up, up.

, , , .
, , , .

, , , .
, , , .

Legs up.
, , , .

File in here, girls.
File in line here. File in line.

All right, girls.
Lay down. Lay down.

... ... ... .

... ... ... .

That's right, girls.
Be happy.

, , , .
, , , .

Lieutenant!

Legs up!

What on earth
are you doing here?

Oh, nothing much, ma'am.

So what kind of place is this, anyway?
You know, they...

When they said
you were up on your farm,

I thought, well, maybe
you were raising avocados.

Don't tell me you've
never heard of a fat farm?

Oh, this is a fat farm.

Gee, you know,
it looks more like a temple.

So this is a place
where people come to reduce.

Oh, And, uh, mmm,
body revitalization.

We have a whole program here:
Beauty, and hair design, uh...

But our main emphasis
is on, uh, reducing.

I see.
Get the leg up.

This would be a terrific
thing for my wife.

You know, she's got
a little problem...

Well, we'll put her on the list.
Um, it's only $ a day.

Now, did you have
something to say to me?

I think we ought to forget
about that waiting list

and see if I can find
a more inexpensive...

As you can see, Lieutenant,
I... I'm on a very tight schedule.

If you didn't have anything to
say, I really must be going.

Oh, ma'am, listen, don't worry about that.
You go about your business.

No, I'm not gonna interfere
with your schedule.

You do whatever you have to do and I'll just
tag along and don't you worry about it.

You know who I met today?
A fellow named David Lang.

Had some very nice things
to say about you.

I can imagine.

But you know what?
It's just possible

that this Mr. Lang might know
more than he's willing to admit.

I mean, about what Mr. Lessing
might have been up to

and how he expected to get
more money... Lieutenant,

David Lang hasn't told the truth
about anything for years.

You know, I was
wondering about that

because, you know, you're so different,
and that's what I admire about you.

When you don't like somebody, you... you
just come right out and you say it.

I mean, when you fired Dr.
Murcheson, and Lessing, and everybody else.

Lieutenant, I have
to go in this way.

I'm afraid you're just going to
have to come back another day.

Ma'am, you just do whatever you have
to do and don't worry about me.

I certainly don't want
to interfere with anything.

Nude sunbathing,
Lieutenant.

I'll be in town tonight if
you'd like to call me then.

Uh, no, that's
all right, ma'am.

No, I'll just wait
right out here.

You do whatever
you have to do.

Uh, oh... oh, I just
thought of something.

Uh...
Uh...

Didn't you say you wanted
to talk to Dr. Murcheson?

Uh, yes, but we haven't
been able to find him.

Oh. That's because
I found him.

He's right through
that door.

Go right, straight down the
corridor, and to your left.

Oh, fine. All right, well.
Thank you very... Uh, I'll...

T-talk to you later.

Viveca.

Viveca, where have you been?
I can't wait.

Mr. Lang just thinks
I've gone to the store...

Listen, love,
we can't talk now.

Oh! Oh, let me get it.
Let me get it.

Goodness.

Uh, that Lieutenant is here,
so we can't talk now anyway.

I bet he'd be rather curious if
he saw us together, wouldn't he?

Well, no one ever has.

Yes, but there's really no
reason why not, is there?

Well, no.

Let's just, uh, wait till this silly
business is over with, that's all.

Let me walk you
to your car.

That's my kidney! Oh!

Help! Whoever you are,
come liberate me.

Olga.

Fight for your sex!

Oh, good, take off
your raincoat,

dressing room over there, and
take off your clothes, please.

I'll be right with you.

Don't let her do it. Stand up,
man. Stand up. Fight!

They'll be taking over
the world.

Now, you stop that.
We already have.

I'm a policeman and I'm here to see a Dr.
Murcheson.

Oh. Dr. Murcheson,
a policeman to see you.

Oh! Rescue the Marines!

Get out of here. Out.

Ah, you're a naughty boy.

And I drink too much.

And you drink too much.

Thank you very much.

Ja.

You're all nice girls.

You know, it would have
done you some good, but...

What a way to sober up.

Uh, Dr. Murcheson, my name is Lt.
Columbo, I'm from the L.A.P.D.

I know, I know,
Viveca told me.

You're looking into
Karl Lessing's m*rder.

Poor kid.

As matter of fact, I am
looking into the m*rder...

But I wanted
to ask you something.

You know, I'm surprised to find you here.
I thought that she was angry at you.

You don't understand her yet,
do you? Nobody does.

I don't quite follow
what you're saying.

Because she knows
I'll always love her.

That's all.

Because I understand.

The Goddess of Beauty, sir,
never changes.

That's why she is
what she is.

That's all I want, Viveca.
Just... just to be like you.

But with my present
lousy job, it's...

Of course, dear.

I'll find a place
for you.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

On the executive level?

Because, you know, that's really
the only way to do anything.

But there just
isn't time to...

What're you looking for?
Did you lose something?

Oh, my cigarettes.
I must've dropped them.

Oh, no, wait.
Someone will see you.

I have some.

This will hold you.

Thanks.

I didn't even know
that you smoked.

There's a lot we have to
learn about each other.

But we will,
don't worry.

Whew.

Taste terrible?

I'm not surprised, with the
amount of cigarettes you smoke.

I think that's our first order of
business, to get you the cure.

Maybe in Europe.

And then we'll start
fixing up your office.

On the top floor,
right next to mine.

Yes.

Thank you, Viveca.

I won't ever tell
anybody anything.

Don't worry.

Bye.

Goodbye, Shirley.

Oh!

Couldn't you
find, uh, Murcheson?

Oh, yes, ma'am,
I found him, but, uh...

I guess he doesn't
know very much,

or he can't remember
very much. One or the other.

Well, I'm sorry you
wasted your time here.

Well, actually, ma'am, it was
you that I wanted to talk to.

I'll tell you what
I was curious about.

Do you have a moment?

Go on.

Throat.

What I was curious about
was, uh,

if the m*rder*r stole something from Mr.
Lessing that night...

What makes you think
something was stolen?

Well, you see, we know that Mr.
Lessing worked on a modest salary.

Now we find out that he's planning
this big expensive trip to Europe.

So, obviously
he's expecting...

Lieutenant, I really don't know
what you're talking about.

But I have over a dozen ladies out
there waiting for my encouragement.

Please excuse me.

You don't mind
if I just tag along, do you?

No! I-I'm sorry.
I really am.

But you've taken up
enough of my day.

Alice.

Up.
You're cheating.

Remember your goal.
Now, come on.

Harder. Come on,
that's a girl.

That's it, Mary.
Pay attention, now.

Up!

Up!

Uh, Charlie.
Yes?

Uh, pick up the tempo
a little, I'll be back.

Come on, girls. Up!

Down. Up.

You really are a very stubborn
man, aren't you, Lieutenant?

Do you actually believe that I
could've had anything to do

with that poor
Mr. Lessing's death?

Is that why you're
chasing me?

Miss Scott, are you aware that Karl
Lessing had a photograph of yours

which he put in his dartboard
and which he used as a target?

A what?

Now don't get excited.
It doesn't mean anything.

A lot of people wanna
throw darts at their bosses.

You know, as a matter of fact,
a while back here

there was a captain of detectives,
and he and I didn't get along.

I used to have fantasies
about him.

I always had my hands
around his throat.

You belong in a museum.

Have you ever been
in Lessing's place?

Lessing's?
Don't be ridiculous.

I'll tell you why I
asked that question:

Because we have
a little problem

trying to figure out
how the perpetrator got in.

Now, it occurred to me that, you
know, a young guy like that

might have girlfriends
that he'd give a key to.

But why would one of the girlfriends be
interested in one of those red jars?

A what?

One of those red jars.

You know, the kind that you used
in your last research projects?

Because the measurements fit.

There's no doubt that
what was in that flour tin

was one of those
eight-sided red jars.

So maybe Mr. Lessing knew something
about that research material

that Dr. Murcheson didn't.

Look, I don't wanna interfere
with your exercising.

You go back and do
what you were doing.

But listen, you know,
that's all just speculation.

That don't mean anything.

Uh, what I really wanna do is clear
up some gossip I keep hearing.

And this will be
my last question.

Miss Scott,

you're a beautiful woman,
you got a lot of life in you.

A handsome young man
comes to work for you.

Mr. Lessing is
an attractive single man.

And you heard that I might've dated
him a couple of times, is that it?

Well, that's quite true.

Do you know how long ago that was?
That was two years ago

and there've been
hundreds since then.

I like young men, Lieutenant,
lots of them.

And if that shocks your ancient
masculine double standard, I'm sorry.

Sorry, ma'am.
I didn't mean to upset you.

I'd better run along.

You've been very cooperative.
Thank you very, very much.

, . Up!
, , , .

Oh, say, you wouldn't know what
poison ivy looks like, would you?

I mean, when you get it?

Like right here
on this finger, here?

Uh...

I'm afraid I don't.

Broke out a couple of hours ago.
Itches like the devil.

You know, I got a nephew
out at U.C.L.A.

He's resident
dermatologist out there.

He said it sounded
like poison ivy.

A dermatologist?
Well!

Then it must be,
uh, poison ivy.

Yeah.

I tell you, the only
problem is, I...

A guy down in headquarters,
Sgt. Kiester, German guy,

his hobby is horticulture.
You know, plants?

Uh, he told me there is no poison
ivy in Southern California.

Not enough moisture.

Well, then maybe
it isn't poison ivy.

Then I went out to U.C.L.A.

I showed it to my nephew.
He looked at it.

He said it is poison ivy.

Lieutenant

I did not k*ll Karl Lessing.

I couldn't k*ll a fly.

Oh. Miss Scott, wait.

I just couldn't stop him.

The cleaning girl
had the door open.

It's all right, Dora.

Lieutenant.

Miss Scott.

Wanna compliment you on your office.
It's very impressive.

Well, thank you.
What can I do for you?

Dora, as soon as
the directors arrive,

would you please
send them right in?

Actually, I just
came here to apologize.

It will only take a second.

Apologize for what?

I thought
I upset you yesterday.

I regret that. However,
what's done is done.

Uh, did you happen
to see this?

Oh, yes, I heard about that.

She was a very pretty girl,
wasn't she?

You didn't happen
to know her, did you?

No, I only asked because she was Mr.
Lang's secretary.

As a matter of fact
we did meet once.

Just the other day.
She was with David at a fashion show.

We spoke, but
that's all. Why?

Mmm.

I just thought maybe you
could help me, that's all.

Tell you, this guy David Lang, he's the
toughest nut to cr*ck I've ever run into.

But listen, never mind.

That's my problem.

There was nothing wrong
with this, um,

Shirley Blane's death,
was there?

Well, in a bad car accident like
that, it's kind of hard to tell.

But one of the doctors,

he thought her eyes
were sort of dilated.

Well, what does that mean?

Could be dr*gs.
A quick-acting poison.

You know what I found out?

I found out that they actually use
poisons when they make cosmetics.

Belladonna, aconite.

Not that much anymore,
Lieutenant.

No, huh?

Not anymore.

Mmm.

But there was one thing
they found.

A copy of an enormous check from Mr.
Lang to a fellow named Harry Smith.

What was funny about this
is that the bank tells me

that Mr. Lang drew this check the
morning before Mr. Lessing was m*rder*d

and brought it back,

and put it back
into his account

the afternoon
after he was m*rder*d.

Well, what does
David say?

What does a clam say?

Well, his closet
is rather full of snakes.

Once he opens his mouth
on anything...

No, but really, Lieutenant,
I think, uh,

just because David was once
a chemist himself

doesn't mean that he'd try to use dr*gs
on anything as horrible as that.

He was? He was a chemist?

Well, that might be
very helpful to me.

Thank you.
That just might help me.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I'm gonna get out
of your hair, Miss Scott.

I see you have
other things to do.

Bye-bye.

Say, I was going to show
you something funny.

Doesn't that
look awful?

But I tell you,
it sure stops the itching.

Incidentally,
that was poison ivy.

My nephew got
the report in this morning.

Oh, you poor thing.

But I tell you, that's not
the funniest part.

Here's the funny part.

You know, the problem was, where
did I get the darned stuff?

Because they don't have any
here in California,

except maybe
in one place.

Lessing's place.

Hard to believe.

What are those?

Oh, we always take a lot of photographs.
You don't want to see that.

Uh, here we are.

I guess what Mr. Lessing did was,
I guess he had a second job

and he worked for a medical
lab every once in a while.

Ah, that looks like Latin.

But I couldn't guess that
because I'd only taken Spanish.

But you know what that means?

Not poison ivy?

Exactly.

That's the extract of poison ivy.
That's called "urushiol."

And that's the stuff
that makes your hand itch.

Now, he must've had
a jar around,

you know, somewhere
around the apartment,

and somewhere I must've
touched it.

So I sent a whole crew of guys out there
and now they're going to comb that place

and see whether
they can come up with that.

Do you have the time?

I think I have mine.

Oh, dear.

Uh, Miss Scott,
I wanna thank you

for being so patient.

Mmm.

And I wanna thank you
for being so nice yesterday.

Oh, anytime,
Lieutenant. Goodbye.

Murch.

Oh, Viveca, not the whip.
I'm doing it.

I've got miles
on this thing already.

Murch, dear, I wasn't going to
bother you with this for a while

but I'm curious about something and
I just have to know the answer.

I love you. What else?

If I brought you a quarter
of a cup of something,

could you analyze
it for me right away?

Viveca, if it's
over proof...

Oh, stop
being foolish.

I'll call you
in a few minutes.

Oh, uh, Murch, um,

don't tell anyone.

Do I ever?

Sorry to disturb you, ma'am, but I have a
court order here to search these premises.

All right, you fellows check back in there.
You stand here.

Excuse me, ma'am.

This is outrageous.

Who's responsible for this?

What are you
looking for?

Let me put it
this way.

If you found a little red jar
with an eight-sided bottom,

would you get
promoted?

Just take it easy, lady.
Just take it easy.

I'm taking it easy.

As a matter of fact, I could offer
you a drink and help you search

if I weren't
so furious.

No luck yet, Lieutenant.
No luck at all.

Lieutenant, would you please do what
you have to do and get out of here?

How long is this
going to take?

Damnedest case
I've ever seen.

Will you answer me? How long
is this going to take?

I found the poison ivy.

That's good.
Where?

At Lessing's place.

I know at Lessing's,
but where?

It was in the bottom drawer
of the file cabinet.

The drawer was locked.

You were nowhere
near that drawer.

I know. I never
opened the drawer.

Still trying to figure out
where I got my poison ivy.

Poor thing. Still worried
about your itch.

You worried about yours?

No.

I couldn't help noticing,
ma'am, the past few days

you've been scratching
your hand and wearing gloves.

So?

Been out of state recently?

No.

Neither have I.

Lieutenant, you amaze me.

Number one, you don't even
know if I have poison ivy.

The doctor will tell us that.

Number two,
even if I do have it,

it has nothing to do
with Karl Lessing

because I never touched
that vial.

You're under arrest
for m*rder.

Sergeant, would you step out
of the room for a moment?

Hey, Lieutenant,
another second is all...

Don't worry about it.

Okay. All right,
fellows, let's go.

Did you ever have the feeling
when you're about to go on a trip

that you forgot something?

You know, just as you get in
the cab to go to the airport,

you have an anxious feeling that you forgot
something, that something is missing?

That's the feeling I got the first
time I saw that microscope.

I remember I turned
and I saw it,

and I said,
"ls that a microscope?"

I started walking toward it,

and I remember
the fingerprint man,

he was talking.

I didn't hear him good

because I was distracted by the
feeling that something was missing.

You know what I mean?

That can be very annoying.

It was, until an hour ago.

I ran into George,
my brother-in-law.

He's just back
from Mexico today.

He said,
"Take a look at these."

He knows that I love
family pictures.

He took these out, handed
them to me, and he said:

"These are the best slides
I've ever taken."

Slides.

Slides.

That's when it hit me.

Where there's a microscope,
there's always a slide.

You see, we got our poison ivy
in the same place.

We both touched the slide.

You touched it when you picked
up the microscope and hit him.

That's when the slide broke.

I got it when I put my hand
on the floor

and it touched
a piece of glass.

I remember because I said: "Fellows,
feels like there's broken glass here."

The fingerprint man, he thought the
glass came from a drinking glass.

Wow.

Very good, Lieutenant.

Officer!

Officer, take care
of Miss Scott,

and I'll be
right with you.

Um,

Give your brother-in-law
a message for me.

Something appropriate.