06x03 - The Bye-Bye Sky High IQ m*rder Case

[bunniefuu]

(STAMMERING) You're a thief!

(g*n f*ring TWICE)

Those were g*nshots!

PETER: This is Peter Falk. Here are some
scenes from the next episode of Columbo.

All the members are tested.

And they have to rate
in the top two percent.

Here I've been talking with the most
intelligent people in the world

and I never even noticed.

It might have
been a woman.

I think he was k*lled
before we heard the sh*ts.

The sh*ts we heard
were on that record.

It's a terrific puzzle.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

MIKE: I wasn't that bright.

So there I was, me, a welder,
in the Sigma Society,

with an IQ right at
the top of the scale.

And my first thought was,

"What a crummy world,
where somebody as smart as me"

"is nothing but
an ordinary welder."

Then I...
I got my head straight

and I figured it out that it
was a pretty sensational world

where even welders got a high
enough IQ to be in a Sigma Society.

MIKE: Not that there's anything
wrong with being a welder.

Because I'm gonna tell you
right now that there's nobody

in this room can even begin
to do what I can do.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

You know what I heard
about the Sigma Society?

I heard that with all your brains,
the one thing you can't figure out,

the one problem you can't solve
is what you're all doing here.

I mean what we're all
doing here.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(BOO-HOO PLAYING)

You've got me crying for you

And as I sit here and sigh

Says I,
"I can't believe it's true"

Boo-hoo,

I tell my mama on you

The little game
that you played

Has made her baby oh so blue

You left me in the lurch

You left me waiting
at the church

Boo-hoo

That's why I'm crying for you

Someday you'll feel like I do

And you'll be
boo-hoo-hooir too

Boo-hoo

You've got me crying for you

And as I sit here...

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Thank you, Mike, thank you.

Jason, in all due respect to Mike's
lecture on feelings of inadequacy

I thought we were gonna hear from a
computer engineer on intelligent machines.

May I ask the program chairman if he still
intends to bring in outside guests?

I'm afraid I was very busy
at the office today.

Didn't have time.

Try to do better.
Good.

Thank you, Mike, thank you, Mr.
Wagner, thank you, Bertie.

For new business,
ladies and gentlemen,

I have the committee report
on neighborhood crime.

They strongly recommend the
purchase of a burglar alarm.

Miss Eisenback has prepared a study
of the various units available,

the advantages, disadvantages...
Good evening, Mr. Brandt.

Good heavens, I am late.
JASON: Prices and so on.

Oliver, we were just
discussing a burglar alarm.

Dear me. I didn't know we had
anything won'th stealing.

Unless, of course, it's Bertie's
incredible brain power.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I understand the Russians
have been after him again.

(GIGGLING)
Huh?

Huh?
Hey!

Okay, g*ng. That's it.
Meeting's adjourned.

(CHUCKLING)

That, my dear, is the total
history of Bertie's life.

Does the joke always
have to be at my expense?

You two at it, again?
Again and forever.

Friends forever. Partners forever.
Right, Bertie?

Bertie.

Friends.

There's a good little fellow.

Something wrong?

I think I just
drank my contact lens.

It's there. I found it.
I'm sorry.

Always sorry.

What are you
up to, Caroline?

Making an inventory of everything in the house.
For the insurance.

Don't you have to go around
to look at things?

Don't have to look.
I remember.

Imagine.

While this wine was still
in a French cellar,

you, Caroline,
were being put together

by a confluence of data
processors and memory banks.

Oliver,
I have to talk to you.

I want to talk to you, too, Bertie.
Pick a page.

.
Pick a number.

. Even.

Odd.

Come along, Bertie.
To the library.

The drinks are
on Bertie or on me.

A dollar says
Brandt wins again.

It's only luck, you know.

Page , correct?
Yes.

Word?

.

All right.

OLIVER: Here we are.
Carina or carina.

Six letters. Even.
Drinks are on you, Bertie.

Interesting. Carina. We seem
to have forgotten our biology.

Carina is a part
resembling a ridge

as on the projection
on the breastbone of a bird.

And that is
the word for today.

I didn't come up here
to play games, Oliver!

Nor did I, Bertie.

You've always enjoyed tormenting me.
Don't be a fool.

School, college,
even our own firm.

I've always been
the butt of your jokes.

I've always been your friend, Bertie.
Surely you know that.

Come on, Bertie,
I never taunted you.

I only tickled you.

(GIGGLING)

Stop that!

Stop! Will you? Stop it!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Stop it!

No! I'm through running!

(PANTING)

I know.

I know. I know what you've been
doing in the office, Oliver.

I know how you've been
stealing from our clients.

I took the trouble
to examine your accounts.

I know you have.
I'm well aware of it.

Oh?

Are you aware that I intend
to expose you?

Well, in that case,
I intend to k*ll you.

We were friends.

I could never hurt you.

I couldn't hurt you either.

(GIGGLING)

(STUTTERING)

You're a thief!
Bertie.

You can't thr*aten me
out of it!

I'll tell the whole world
what you are!

What a pity.

Oliver.

Oliver, I'm talking to you!

Yes, I hear you.
I hear you, old friend.

(g*n f*ring TWICE
WITH sil*ncer)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(TURNS VOLUME DOWN)

I really did love you, Bertie.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah? Who? Long distance?

Tonight, children,
the drinks are on Bertie.

(ALL CLAPPING)

Congratulations again, Oliver.

CAROLINE: What was
the word, Mr. Brandt?

Carina. C-A-R...

Well, with a capital 'C', Carina is a
constellation in the Southern Hemisphere.

This was not capitalized.

Well, then it's like
the breastbone on a bird.

Phone's for you,
Miss Eisenback. Memphis.

That's my daddy.
I've been trying to reach him.

It's his birthday.

She's been waiting
for his call.

Oliver got lucky again.

Daddy?

Why don't we got out and get the
living room put back in order?

Why not indeed?
Come on, come on. Gentlemen.

You watch that drink.
I'll watch it.

The club's insured
through you, isn't it?

Yes, and very well.

Fire? Theft?

The works.

EISENBACK: Okay. It's wonderful here.
The weather is so nice.

Then if we are
already covered,

why on earth bother spending
all this money on a burglar...

(g*n f*ring)

(THUDDING)

(g*n f*ring)

Those were g*nshots!

(CLANKING)

Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Oh, my God! Bertie. Bertie.

Unlock it.

Take Caroline downstairs.

I think he's dead.

(EXCLAIMING)

You mustrt look.

You better leave.

Come on.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(POLICE DISPATCHER
CHATTERING ON RADIO)

POLICEMAN: Could you all
go inside, please?

Would you like
a drink, Oliver?

What? No, no.

Well, it's clear enough some
neighborhood hoodlum finally broke in.

What was Bertie
trying to protect?

A few bucks in his wallet?
His manood? I mean, what?

Excuse me. Mr. Brandt?

Yes.

Would you come
with me, please?

Are you guys
all done in there?

Yeah. He's wrapping it up.
Good.

Good night, Sergeant.
Good night, George, Harry.

Now, would you just wait here
please, Mr. Brandt?

May I ask why?

Sure. Somebody
will be along.

(WHISTLING)

They know who did it?

No!

Oliver Brandt, sir?

Lieutenant Columbo,
Homicide.

I thought maybe you'd like to be up here
away from all those people down there,

being that the victim was
your friend and partner.

I'm really quite upset.
I do appreciate the courtesy.

This Sigma Society, sir,

I understand it's some kind of a club.
But to tell you the truth

I don't understand
what kind of a club it is.

Why it's a private club. International.
We're just one chapter.

All the members are tested.

And they have to rate
in the top two percent.

Two percent of what, sir?

Why, intelligence, Lieutenant.

Top two percent
in the world?

Is that what the pin means,
sir?

Here I've been talking with the most
intelligent people in the world

and I never even noticed.

May I ask, sir,

what is it that you people do
in a place like this?

Well, we meet, discuss,
enjoy each ether's company.

Scientists?

Not necessarily.

Like a think t*nk?

No, no, no. Nothing nearly
as grand, Lieutenant.

People come to Sigma from all walks
of life, all kinds, all types.

There are , of us around the world.
We're really quite ordinary.

Except for this.

Well...

But you're not ordinary.

Brandt and Hastings.
That's a very important accounting firm, sir.

I heard of them.

Well, very kind of you, Lieutenant.
But, it's quite true.

We handle...

We...

(SOFTLY) Oh, dear.

Well, just a few
minor questions, sir.

Some of the ladies say that they
heard music coming from up here.

Bertie must have put on
a record on after I left.

You see, we were playing
a word game,

looking things up
in the dictionary.

On the floor, sir?

He must have put it
on the floor.

(TOY TRAIN RUNNING)

You mean to tell me,
Mr. Brandt,

that these very intelligent people
still like to play with trains?

Some of us do.

Poor Bertie did.

Well, I'll tell you,
that's a relief to hear.

Because I'll tell you the truth, I could
play with something like that forever.

Caroline Treynor.
That's the one.

I beg you...
Our youngest member.

She's a member too?

Fourteen?

Amazing. Okay.

Now, Caroline, she was standing
in that doorway there.

And she says she didn't hear any
footsteps going down those stairs.

Now, everybody else
heard the burglar.

That is, the man
that k*lled Mr. Hastings.

May I ask you, sir,
what did you hear?

I don't remember.

(WHISPERING) Don't remember.

MIKE: Okay.

Thirty seconds.

COLUMBO: Exactly what I got
when I timed it.

We didn't start up there the second
we heard the sh*ts. That's right.

We were stunned for eight...
Maybe seconds.

Good. That means
seconds passed

between the time that you heard the sh*ts
and the time you arrived in the library.

Is that right,
excuse me, Mr...

Jason Danziger.
I'm the president.

Mr. Danziger. Then when
you arrived in the library

you saw the other door
slam shut.

Now, when you heard
someone running away,

did he go down the stairs one step
at a time, two at a time, how?

One at a time.

You don't agree, madam?

No, no, no, no. At least two at a time.
He was really flying.

Heavy man, sir?

I'd say so.

Do you agree, sir?

Not necessarily.

Average man.

EISENBACK: He sounded
light to me.

I think he was a woman.

Well, that clears that up.

(CRICKET CHIRPING)

I must say,
after this dreadful affair,

it would be a comfort to have
a policeman as a member.

Lieutenant, do you happen
to know your IQ?

Mine, sir?
Oh, no, sir.

No, they took it in the Army
but they never told us.

I'm certainly not
in your league, sir.

You might
astonish yourself.

Do you enjoy riddles,
puzzles, that sort of thing?

Well, I enjoy them, yes, sir, I do.
But I don't have any feel for them.

Now, Mrs. Columbo, she's
a whiz at crossword puzzles.

Here's my car, sir.

You might consider
testing yourself.

Lieutenant, I'm gonna
give you a little problem,

to test your powers
of logical thinking.

That'll be fine, sir.

It's what we call
a minimum information problem.

Minimum information?
Practically none.

Now, in a room, are several
sacks of gold pieces,

as many sacks as you like.

Each sack contains several
of these gold pieces.

Again, as many as you like.

Right. Got it.

One sack, however, is full
of artificial gold pieces.

And they weigh differently.

Uh-huh.

Now, the solid
gold pieces weigh...

Let's say, a pound each.
And the artificial pieces weigh whatever you like.

Well, what about a pound
and an ounce?

Splendid. Why not?

Now, you have a penny scale.

So I put the penny in
and I get a card

and that tells me how much
the weight of the gold is?

Exactly. But you only
have one penny.

Now, which sack has
the artificial gold pieces?

That's it?
That's it.

That's a hell of a puzzle.

(CHUCKLING)

Gee whiz.

You know,
I got a puzzle myself, sir.

As I understand it,
you people,

you were all downstairs
when you heard the sh*ts

and you ran upstairs to the library.
And that took about seconds.

But during that time,
all the k*ller had to do was

take the wallet out of your partner's
pocket and remove the money.

Ten seconds.

What did he do
with the rest of the time?

I mean, seconds, sir.

That's a long time to hang around
after you just k*lled a man.

Yes, a logical question.
Very good. I agree with you.

I'm gonna think about that puzzle, Mr.
Brandt. You can count on that.

Good night, sir.

Good night.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(CAR HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

VIVIAN: Oliver, is that you?

Yes, love.

(SIGHING)

How do you like it?

I bought it for you.

Quite lovely.

Oh.

(SIGHING)
You're moody again.

You look exhausted.

(EXHALING)

What's that?

What? What is it?

Just some mud.

What have you
been up to? There.

Oliver,
are you all right?

No. Vivian,
it's Bertie.

He's dead.

What?

At the club.
He was in the library.

He was alone.
A burglar got in.

Oh, Oliver.

sh*t him twice.
The police came.

You must be feeling awful.

I was always the lucky one.
He had no one.

He had us.

I have you.

Poor Bertie.

We must put Bertie
out of our minds.

We'll take a trip.

We'll buy some clothes.

I'm sure you will.

Oliver.

You have been behaving
very strangely lately.

My best friend is
dead, Vivian.

But, darling, we're alive.

Let's enjoy life while we can.

I don't want to spend it
watching your grieving, dismal,

sweet, intelligent face.

Quite right.

Please forgive me.

I wonder if you'd be
kind enough to tell me

where I might find
Mr. Brandt's office.

Through the double doors. Mr.
Brandt's secretary will help you.

Thank you very much, madam.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for Mr. Brandt's secretary.

He'll be right back I'm George Campanella.
May I help you?

No, no, no, sir.
Just waiting for Mr. Brandt.

Well, he's not my responsibility.
Not anymore.

He'll be right back.
Just have a seat.

(CLATTERING)

Yes, can I help you?

Thank you very much, sir.
Just waiting for Mr. Brandt's secretary.

As of today, I am
Mr. Brandt's secretary.

You are?

I just met Mr. Campanella.

Oh, I am sure you did.

My predecessor considers
himself quite a big deal.

Is that a fact?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir,
police. And you are...

Alvin. Alvin Metzler.

Until last night,
I worked for Mr. Hastings.

A fine man.
I hope he rests in peace.

This is about Mr. Hastings?

Yes, sir.
Bertie Hastings, the deceased.

I'm looking for Mr. Brandt.

Mr. Brandt took
an early lunch.

Sometimes he walks in the park across the street.
South side of the building.

South side of the building.
Thank you very much.

What is that,
womers lib in there?

They don't let ladies do
that kind of work anymore?

It's still legal. The partners
prefer male secretaries.

Graduate accountants.

That way they learn
the business and they move up.

Now why didn't
I think of that?

Then they get
secretaries, right?

Girl-type secretaries.

This fellow, George, the one
that I just met in there,

he used to work for Mr. Brandt.
I guess he just got promoted.

Right.
A full-fledged accountant.

I hope Alvin was polite to you in
there because he's very upset.

So Alvin thinks he
should've gotten promoted?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Who can figure bosses?

You know, sir,
that new secretary of yours,

that's a man you can
really depend upon,

that... Alvin?

Alvin?
Yes, Alvin.

He tells me how much you like to
come to the park after lunch,

and here you are,
just like he said.

Mind if I walk along, sir?

No, no.
I'd be delighted.

I also met your other secretary,
the one that's the accountant now.

Yes, George.

George.

Would you do me a big
personal favor, sir?

My pleasure.

You see, I have this nephew, he's
studying to be an accountant.

Isn't that terrific?

Yeah. I mean, the young
people today, you know,

all they wanna be is movie
stars and football players.

Now this boy, he wants
to be an accountant.

And I said to myself,

"Who could give me better advice to pass
along to my nephew than Mr. Brandt?"

I mean, you know firsthand how this
fellow George worked himself up.

Well, that's because
our firm has a policy

of rewarding skill and dedication
rather than seniority.

As far as your nephew is concerned, I suggest
he gets all the education that he can

and then, when he starts to work,
to apply himself assiduously.

Mr. Brandt, thank you very much.
That's very good advice.

And I am going to...

Where did you get
the ice cream cone, sir?

From a vendor across the park.

Oh.

Well, I was gonna get one,
but that's too far.

Look at that, sir. Today is my lucky day.
I'll be right back.

Delicious, sir.

Just delicious.

Yes, I know, Lieutenant.
I'm thoroughly addicted.

Addiction.

That must explain
the umbrella, sir.

My umbrella?

Well, it's such
a beautiful day, sir.

I have to figure that you
always carry an umbrella.

Another addiction, sir.

Excuse me.

Well, actually no, Lieutenant.
I had forgotten my umbrella

at the Sigma Club and
I stopped by to fetch it.

Well, now...

I suppose you're wondering why I
should bother on such a lovely day.

That's what I was asking.
The umbrella, yes, sir.

In order to serve, an umbrella must be available
at the first collision of seasonal clouds.

The debut of a
California drizzle.

Now then,
we must consider.

Where shall I be when
the first rain strikes?

Shall I be at home?
In the office? In my car?

Shall I be at the club?
At lunch?

Now we're dealing
in probabilities.

Right, sir. Probabilities.

Options, you might say.

Options indeed.

Now, in the final analysis, I spend
just hours per day at my residence.

However, there are other factors
to be considered in this equation.

Time at the office, time at
the club, time en route,

and, dear me, we have not
even mentioned weekends.

Time on the golf course.

On top of that, I may be called upon
at any hour of the day or night

to confer with a client.

Where then should one keep an
umbrella ready for instant use?

Upon consideration of these
and other variables,

I have come to the conclusion,
sir, that the one,

the only proper place
to lodge an umbrella,

giving one the best play in the
game of avoiding being rained upon,

that place is precisely
at home.

Good day, Lieutenant.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mr. Brandt.

Yes, what is it, George?

These private accounts
you were interested in, sir.

I thought, what, with
this being tax season,

you might prefer to work on them
at home, at your convenience.

Yes, how very thoughtful
of you, George.

Why don't you drop them by
this evening on your way home?

I'd be happy to.

(TICKING)

I have a theory, Lieutenant.

I know how
the m*rder*r did it.

There never was any burglar.
Somebody planned to k*ll Mr. Hastings.

Planned? You really think so?

I think he was k*lled
before we heard the sh*ts.

Because we never heard
the real sh*ts.

The sh*ts we heard
were on that record.

On the record.
sh*ts on the record.

I don't know. I mean
that's a very good idea,

but I just played that record
four separate times.

I don't suppose I could've
missed those sh*ts.

But I could play it
again and see.

That's okay,
Lieutenant.

I didn't realize you played
the record at all.

Well, you keep thinking, Caroline.
I can use all the help I can get.

And anyone who can come up with an idea
as good as the one that you just had

can also come up
with the answer.

And I'm gonna tell you
something else.

You not only have
a terrific mind,

you're also
a remarkably pretty girl.

You know something,
Lieutenant?

That's the very first time
anybody ever told me

they liked me for my body
instead of my mind.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Sorry.
Excuse me! I'm sorry.

Forgive me, sir.

Well, it's a funny thing,
you know.

You're just the person
that I was looking for.

Would you mind stepping inside
for just one moment, sir?

I was looking for
you too, Lieutenant.

What a coincidence.
Let me ask you something, sir.

That big dictionary on the floor,
does that look peculiar to you?

Well, it should be
on the stand.

That's what I thought.
And another thing.

The medical examiner says that
both b*ll*ts entered the body

at exactly the same angle.

Now if the k*ller fired
and then the body fell.

Then he fired again,
like you all heard...

Then the b*ll*ts would've
entered at different angles.

Yes, I would say so, sir.

That goes right along
with my su1c1de theory.

su1c1de?

You mean he sh*t himself in the
chest, then fell to the floor,

then did it again?

One thing, sir.

How did he get
rid of the g*n?

Part of his plan.
He had to.

Had to?

Get rid of the g*n.

I sold Bertie
his life insurance.

There's a su1c1de clause
in the policy.

If I can ever be
of any help...

su1c1de clause.
I can guess what that is.

If he kills himself
your company doesn't pay.

So he had to
hide the g*n.

Now,

I think he had it

on some sort
of elastic tether.

Elastic? Oh, that's
very interesting.

(EXCLAIMING)
He fired the first sh*t,

the rigging probably triggered
the second sh*t.

And the g*n just snapped away.

Where to, sir?

Two possibilities.

Out the window.

Screen on the window.

I don't know how the g*n...

Then, if you'll
take the trouble

to glance up the chimney,

I am sure you'll
find the g*n.

You're not gonna believe this, sir.
But I...

You see, I...

You already checked up there?

Don't get me wrong, sir.
I never thought of the g*n being on the elastic.

I mean, I just happened
to look up there

I mean, it was just because the...
All the lab boys, you know,

they were vacuuming the rug and they said
that there was powder carbon around.

Well, anytime, Lieutenant.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, you poor man.

Why didn't you park
in the driveway?

Well, I have an oil leak
in my car, madam, and...

Wouldn't you know it.

Just tonight my wife decided

to try out a new spot remover
for my raincoat.

Why don't you put
your umbrella over there?

Do sit down, Lieutenant.

Oh, would you
look at that?

That's the same Victrola that
they have down at the Sigma Club.

Yes, Oliver donated it.
One of his clients makes them.

You know, the one at the club is working very funny.
Every time you push the play button

the needle drops down right in the
middle and always in the same spot.

Oh, I think
I can explain that.

It has a computer. A memory.

So, say you wanted to
play a Sinatra record.

How about this one?

Really, Inspector?

Well, why not?

Well...

Say you wanted to hear the second
and the fifth track of a record.

You can set this, so that
it skips all the others.

Just by pushing those buttons?

You can even set it

so that it plays the same
track over and over again.

And it also
switches itself off.

Isn't that something?

A glass of wine,
Lieutenant?

Oh, thank you
very much, sir.

Sir, here I am, playing with
this beautiful machine and...

What a coincidence.

What I was going to
ask you, sir, was

the m*rder*r wouldn't have put
the record on up in the library,

and you didn't do it.
So that means Mr. Hastings did it.

Now did your friend have any
particular liking for Tchaikovsky?

Bertie had a tin ear.

He understood nothing
and liked everything.

Tchaikovsky included.

That's exactly what
your secretary Alvin said.

I see. Well, I suppose
Alvin would know.

He was with Bertie
for almost a year. Please.

Oh. It's getting very late, sir.
Mrs. Brandt.

But you haven't touched
your wine.

Some other time, madam.
Thank you very much.

I'll see you out.

One more question, sir.
About those sacks of gold.

If I put them all on the scale and
then take them off one by one.

No. You use your penny.

You get a card. You have
one reading on the weight.

Right. Got it.

I'm gonna work on that
tonight with Mrs. Columbo.

VIVIAN: Good night,
Lieutenant.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi. I'm Suzy.

Hi, Suzy.

I've tried Esalen, Primal
Scream, Pyramid Power,

Synanon, a black mass
in San Francisco,

open marriage, est, TA, TM,
I'm OK, You're OK,

and I'm still a target.

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
We've met.

Nice to see you here.

(LAUGHING)

It's really very crowded
here, madam.

I'm terribly sorry.
I enjoyed it.

I'm Suzy. He's George.

How'd you find me?
Alvin?

I don't like to talk
behind people's backs, sir,

but I don't think
Alvin likes you very much.

Now do you come here often,
Lieutenant?

No, madam.
My first time.

Listen, what else did he
tell you, Lieutenant?

I can tell, sir, that
you're the kind of man

that has a lot of
terrific plans for himself.

But I think you ought
to think about something.

Let me buy you
a drink, Lieutenant.

Thank you very much, madam,
but I'm working.

As a matter of fact, I can't think
of a time when I wasn't working.

You see, sir,

here I am telling you
something, sir.

Any accountant who is
aware of a felony,

he becomes an accessory
to that felony

unless he reports it
to the proper authorities.

I like the way
you wear your hair.

What I'm saying is...

Oh, thank you very much, madam.
I like the way you wear yours.

What I'm trying to say,
George, is

I really don't think you're gonna be able
to make it to the top with a police record.

I don't think so.

SUZY: Goodbye, Lieutenant.

You have some
very interesting friends.

I wish I were dead.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Lieutenant.

You bought that here?

No, I bought it
in the donut shop

because I was gonna eat it in the elevator,
but then I saw my friend here and...

I'm really terribly sorry.

Well, let me see.

Let's see now.

I can come back.

No, no, no, I'll have...

I'll have a donut.

I thought about
what you said, Lieutenant.

Sir, if it'll be
of any help to you,

I know that Mr. Brandt lost lots
of money on some stock options.

Alvin again?

So Mr. Brandt needed money.

Have you met Mrs. Brandt?

Yes.

Okay. I went back
to the office one night.

He was Mr. Hastings'
secretary at the time.

Well, there he was, replacing
some files in Brandt's office.

Confidential accounts that
Brandt handled personally.

Now this is when you were still Mr.
Brandt's secretary, right?

That's right.

Why would Alvin fiddle around
with your boss's accounts?

Because Hastings told him
to bring him the files.

He must've suspected that his
partner was engaged in some

creative bookkeeping.

Will that be all?

Yes, very nice. Thank you.

Creative bookkeeping?

You see, most of our work
is corporate.

But Brandt likes to handle some of
the individual accounts himself.

Old clients, mostly widows.

Are these widows, sir,
wealthy?

Loaded.

I checked the files and ran
some computer printouts.

And what's
the bottom line, sir?

Brandt has been sifting funds
from his clients' accounts.

A very nifty job.

So you told your boss that Mr.
Hastings knew what he was doing?

Congratulations
on your promotion, sir.

I'm always glad to
cooperate, Lieutenant.

Oh, good morning, sir.
I was just explaining to the Lieutenant that...

Sit down, George.
Finish your grapefruit.

I think I can guess
what you were explaining.

More tips for your nephew,
right, Lieutenant?

Right, sir. George
was telling me exactly

how a young accountant gets ahead.
Take my seat, sir. Please.

Sir.

He wasn't talking about his nephew, sir.
It's Alvin again.

(PHONE RINGING)

Good morning, Mr. Brandt. I...

What?

Good morning again, sir.
I thought you'd rather talk up here.

You're at my desk.

Oh, sorry, sir.

You realize this is
our busiest time of the year.

I understand, sir.
And I wouldn't bother you,

but I'm afraid that Mr.
Hastings might have been involved

in some nasty things
around here, sir.

I know this is hard to believe, sir.
But I happen to know

that he had his secretary

take some account files
from your office.

Alvin?

Are you suggesting a conspiracy
between Bertie and Alvin?

I hate to say this, sir,

but Mr. Hastings might have
been doctoring those accounts.

(SIGHING)

(STUTTERING) This comes as a
terrible shock to me, Lieutenant.

You'll have to excuse me.

Oh, yes, sir. I understand.
You'll certainly need time to think.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mr. Brandt.
What is it?

I owe it to myself to
express my dissatisfaction.

I was clearly in line for the
position that you gave George.

You dare tell me your position in this firm.
You niggling little twit.

You self-serving
ambitious lout.

Maybe Mr. Hastings took this abuse
from you, but I certainly will not!

And you'll take it, too,
Alvin, twentyfold.

You'll be a secretary here
until you're old and gray.

And if you try to work anywhere
else, I'll pull so many strings

that you'll strangle in them.

But that's...
Now, go back to your desk!

Suddenly, Alvin, you're a great,
choking stench in my life.

Get out!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(SLAMMING DOOR)

What was that?

What?

Well, the whole house shook.

The world is crumbling.
What do you expect?

What is wrong with you?

I have been betrayed, pursued,
and threatened by innuendo.

The least I could hope for is
some understanding from my wife.

It's the new negligee
I bought. Is that it?

It is everything
you have bought.

We are in trouble.
Oh, and of course it's my fault.

Well, you are the mother
of my predicament.

And now, little Oliver wants
to be mothered. Is that it?

I want what is due me!

Some affection,
understanding, gratitude.

Support in the worst of times.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I have embezzled funds!

And I did it for you.

Oliver, I've never understood
about business.

I belong to another part
of your life.

Do you understand
what I am telling you?

No. And I don't think
I want to.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oliver Brandt.

KLINE: Mr. Brandt,
this is Sergeant Kline.

Lieutenant Columbo and Sergeant
Burke would appreciate it

if you'd come by
the Sigma Club right away.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(CREAKING)

(RATTLING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(g*n f*ring TWICE)

Oh, there you are.

COLUMBO: Is that you,
Mr. Brandt?

It is, Lieutenant.

Come on up, Mr. Brandt.

You need anything else, sir?

No, that's fine.
Good night, Sergeant.

Good night, Lieutenant.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)

Oh, just in time, sir. Perfect.
I want you to see this.

Now I want you to see what happens,
sir, when the record finishes.

It was really very thoughtful of you,
sir, to give this Victrola to the club.

Well, I...
I enjoy giving pleasure.

I hope those explosions didn't frighten you, sir.
Just experimenting.

Soon.

COLUMBO: Finished. Now watch.

It glides across the record and
it goes to this point right here.

Then it goes back again, past
this point here, right here.

And then it goes all the way back again
and it rests on this whatchamacallit.

Now, I want you
to notice this, sir.

Here on this whatchamacallit.

Right here.
Funny little scratches.

Here and here.

Do you see those, sir?

Yes.

A tiny clamp with teeth.

Sergeant Burke thinks
baby alligator clamps.

Now a funny thing.

You remember Miss Eisenback
got a long distance call?

Yes, from her father.

In Memphis.

The call came in just after you left Mr.
Hastings and went downstairs.

Lieutenant Columbo...
And then the call was interrupted.

She had to hang up
when she heard the sh*ts.

If you say so.

Here it is.

I got this from the South Central
Bell Telephone Company in Memphis.

Here's the call from her father.
The date.

How long they talked.

All right.
They talked four minutes.

Which is almost exactly the same length of
time that the record player is set for.

Watch. I'm going to push
the play button.

Notice that the arm doesn't start at the beginning.
It starts in the middle.

And if you let that play, sir,
it will take four minutes.

And it does it every time.

Lieutenant, is this what
you called me out for?

No, sir. Not quite.

To tell you the truth, sir,
I have another reason.

Mr. Brandt.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

I know exactly what you did
and how you did it.

The gold sack puzzle, sir.

Mrs. Columbo figured it out.

You said that there were
these sacks of gold in a room

and that one of the sacks
was filled with phony gold.

And that the phony gold weighed
more than the real gold.

And that I had a penny scale
but only one penny.

And therefore only one chance
to weigh anything.

And I had to figure out which of
the sacks had the phony gold.

Am I right so far, sir?

Yes.

All right. Well, let's just
say there were three sacks

because I happen to have
three sacks here.

And we'll make believe that
this chocolate is the gold.

And each real gold piece
weighs one pound.

But one of these sacks
has the phony gold.

And the phony gold weighs
one pound and one ounce.

Am I right up to here, sir?

Satisfactory so far.

Follow me, sir.

We're going to the scale.
Yes.

And here's the scale.

COLUMBO: Now, one bag,
two bags, three bags.

Now we take one piece
from bag one.

We take two pieces
from bag two.

We take three pieces
from bag three.

How many pieces is that, sir?

Six.
Six.

So far so good.

We take all six pieces.
We put them on the scale.

Now if that were
a regular scale

and if all six pieces were the real
gold, it would weigh six pounds.

But if the first bag had
the phony pieces,

it would weigh six pounds
and one ounce

because I only took one piece
from the first bag.

And if the second bag had
the phony gold pieces

it would weigh six pounds
and two ounces

because I took two pieces
from the second bag.

Bravo, Lieutenant.

And if the third bag were
the phony bag,

it would weigh six pounds and three
ounces and so on and so on and so on.

Sir...

It's a terrific puzzle.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Must be fun playing
with these trains.

It'd be terrific if we just
had the time, right, sir?

Yes, it would be nice.

You know, sir,
it's a funny thing.

All my life I kept running
into smart people.

I don't just mean smart like you
and the people in this house.

You know what I mean.

In school there were
lots of smarter kids.

And when I first joined
the force, sir,

they had some
very clever people there.

And I could tell right away
that it wasn't gonna be easy

making detective as
long as they were around.

But I figured that

if I worked harder
than they did,

and put in more time,

read the books,

kept my eyes open, maybe
I could make it happen.

And I did.

And I really love
my work, sir.

I can tell you do.

If there's one thing
I've learned, Lieutenant,

it's that we all have
a cross to bear.

Including those of us
who seem most fortunate.

My problem is
just the opposite.

Born smart, as they say.

A blessing, you'd think.

I had no real childhood.
I was an imitation adult.

'Cause that's what
was expected of me.

Most people don't like
smart people.

Most children despise
smart children.

So, early on, I had to hide
my so-called gift,

conceal it from my own brothers and
sisters, my classmates, in the service.

Painful, lonely years.

You know, sir,
I never thought of that.

I wonder if all those
early bitter memories

had something to do
with my recent discovery

that I simply no longer care

even for my fellow
intelligentsia in this club.

I find them eccentric bores.

Mr. Brandt, now I've
got a puzzle for you.

Man "A" wants to
k*ll Man "B."

What am I told?

It's kind of a minimum
information problem, sir.

The men are in a room, sir.
Say this room.

Lots of people downstairs.

And Man "A," the k*ller,
he plans to use a g*n.

Then the sh*t would be heard.

Not with a sil*ncer, sir.

He also would have
to get rid of the g*n.

He would have to
hide the g*n.

So the k*ller brings
an umbrella with him.

May I see your
umbrella, sir?

An umbrella to conceal a g*n?

Audacious and foolhardy,
I would say.

But you may test your theory,
if you wish.

Oh, I don't have a g*n, sir.
Never carry one.

The k*ller has a g*n.

With a sil*ncer.
So you said.

You see, sir, the k*ller plans
to put the g*n in the umbrella

and then hide the umbrella
in the fireplace

and take it away
some other time.

Ah! But then there would
be soot on the umbrella.

You are absolutely right, sir.
There would be soot.

Now, there is a second use
for the umbrella.

You see these, sir.

They're like loud firecrackers.
We call them squibs.

Now the k*ller plans
to fake some sh*ts

because the victim
is already dead.

I suggest that the squibs would leave
bits of paper when they explode.

Telltale evidence.

That's why, sir,

the k*ller plans to catch
the shreds in here.

Most ingenious, Lieutenant.

But wouldn't the squibs
leave burns, scorch marks?

Now, this umbrella, for
instance, is quite unmarked.

You are absolutely right, sir.
But suppose this were the k*ller's other umbrella.

Oh, I forgot to
tell you, sir.

Last night when I was at your
house, I took the wrong umbrella.

Excuse me, sir.
Just one moment.

I took yours. It was
an honest mistake, sir.

And we're not allowed
to get evidence that way.

But as long as I had it,

the lab found burns
from the squibs.

And lots of soot, sir.

I see.

Now, tell me this,
Lieutenant.

How were the squibs detonated?

The k*ller is
a very intelligent man, sir.

Watch. I put the squibs
in the umbrella and the g*n.

We'll pretend
that this is the g*n.

Now, the k*ller

wedges the umbrella
up the chimney.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I am, sir. I am.
Absolutely serious.

Now, we'll just pretend that
this umbrella is up the chimney.

Now, these wires, sir.

They're attached to a battery

and the same kind of squibs.

Now, we'll just put these
in the umbrella.

And we'll run
this wire, sir,

right over here
to the Victrola.

We push the play button.

And we attach the wires here

and here, where I showed
you those scratches.

Preposterous nonsense.

Now the k*ller knows
when the record will end.

Yes, yes, you've
demonstrated all that.

And when the arm comes over
it will make contact.

First here exploding one squib

and then here
exploding the second.

But the body fell
between the two sh*ts.

Yes, sir. That's where the k*ller
has to take a very big chance.

The dictionary has a line
here, dividing it in half.

So it can be balanced
on the edge.

You see, sir? Like this.

Clever but too unpredictable.

Important for
the illusion, sir.

The sound of the body falling.

You've got it.
But impossible to time.

But this k*ller is
very smart, sir.

Can he make the book fall between
the two sh*ts? Oh, yes, sir.

How? Triggered by what?
I'll show you.

He would have to be a genius.

I think so too, sir.

Now I don't mean to imply that I
thought of this all by myself.

I mean, some of the smartest people in
the world are right here in this club,

and they helped me, sir.
They helped me a lot.

(SCOFFING) They're dunces,
the lot of them.

Mr. Danziger, the president of the
club, you wouldn't call him a dunce.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Well, it was his idea.
The book, the vibrations...

Vibrations?
What are you talking about?

The first squib, sir.
He really made it sound very simple.

When the squib goes off,
it produces vibrations.

And that knocks the book down.

That Danziger is a genius!

Vibrations? That nitwit.

The man who conceived all this, you've
made him out to be a bungling ass!

No! This is what
he would've done. This.

(FIRECRACKER EXPLODING)

There!

(LAUGHING)

There!

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

(PHONE RINGING)

Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Brandt.
He's right here.

For you, sir.

(RAIN PATTERING)

Yes?

I'm so sorry, darling.

Please come home.
Come to bed.

I need you.

Alas, my dear, I shall
not be needing you

anymore.

Was it the record player?

Yes, sir.

First it was
the record player.

Why would anybody
start it in the middle?

I should have
changed the cuing.

Extraordinary.
That bothered you?

Will you be
taking me in?

No, sir.
Someone will be along.

Lieutenant, what did
you say your IQ was?

I really don't know, sir.

It must be very high.

My own is...

We have a test here.

Oh, here.

I'm really not very good
at that sort of thing, sir.

You'll be surprised
at yourself.

Remarkable.

We can go directly to
the more difficult questions.

Ah, yes,
here we are.

Lieutenant, I'm going
to give you four words.

And you tell me
which one does not belong.

Asphalt, uncle,
delight, leave.

Which word doesn't belong?

Asphalt, uncle,
delight, leave.

Well, let me see.
We got Uncle Sam.

Dutch uncle.

Asphalt's the word, sir.

Because you can have
Turkish delight,

French leave and Dutch uncle.
All nationalities.

Lieutenant, have you ever considered
a different line of work?

Me, sir? No.

Never. I couldn't do that.

...Crying for you

And as I sit here and sigh

Says I,
"I can't believe it's true"

Boo-hoo,

I tell my mama on you

The little game
that you played

Has made her baby oh so blue